CYOA Page 142
Sep. 12th, 2013 08:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12Zack takes extra precautions on the stairs, just like you warned him -- and you don't think the squeak was enough to wake up Joel. You creep toward his room... he's moving!... just rolling over?... yep, still asleep. WHEW.
You return to your spot on the floor. Forgive me, Joel... You hear Zack closing the door behind him...
Shit! That was a little loud...
You're not close enough to hear him now unless he snores, but that may have woken him up. You listen for his footsteps...
Nothing.
He may have woken up, listened... reached out with his sixth sense or whatever the fuck he does... and upon not finding anything amiss, gone right back to sleep.
Except Zack is aMISS...ing. Ha. But he would have no way of knowing that; he's only concerned about someone breaking in. He's trusting you to keep Zack there.
Sigh.
You want to go curl up with Joel, but of course, that's not an option. I deserve to sleep on the floor, for betraying him. But... I'm doing the right thing. It's what Zack wants! And we shouldn't have control of his life. Whether it's because of the guilt or the discomfort, who knows, but it takes you a really long time to fall asleep.
You're having a bizarre dream about Boston (but... Maria's there?)... and a big-ass dragon that breathes out like, sprays of blood instead of fire? when you wake up to a bright light exploding in your face.
"Ellie. Ellie, wake up. The kid split."
"... ...what?"
"He's gone. You fell asleep." He kindly stops shining the light directly on you.
You're so groggy it takes you a moment to remember what's going on. ...Oh! "Oh shit! Fuck -- I only meant to close my eyes for a minute, Joel, I swear--"
"It's been hours since I went to bed. I did hear somethin' when you two came upstairs -- it registered -- but... do you have any idea how long you were awake? How long he was in the bed?"
You rub your eyes. "Uh... a long time... but I think I did more than doze off. I think I've been asleep for... a while. I'm soooooo sorry, Joel. God, I'm such an idiot."
"Did he fall asleep?"
"Um... yeah, I think so... yeah, he did."
"Get your shoes on. We may be able to catch him. Maybe he didn't leave the second you fell asleep. Maybe he woke up recently enough."
"I dunno, Joel... I feel like it's been a while. I didn't drool. You know how you drool when you doze off but not when you sleep for real?" Or it dries up or something... it's weird!
"Like I said -- he may not have left right away. C'mon, get up. Where's your light?"
"Maybe... he's just going pee?"
Joel sighs. "You don't really think that, do you?"
"...No. Guess not." You try to think of another reason not to go look for Zack...
"Don't you wanna find him? Let's get a move on."
"Okay." You reluctantly start putting your shoes on.
"I'll meet you downstairs. Maybe I can pick up his trail." And off he goes.
You can't get a good sense of how pissed off Joel is. He hasn't scolded you, but he hasn't said "it's all right," either, and you gave him a couple of opportunities to do so. Maybe he's just pouring his energy into finding Zack first... he's worried about him... aaahhhh I'm such a dick!
You trudge downstairs, your light clipped to your backpack... you're all set to do a legit search for the boy. You hope he's either really far away by now or has found a good place to hide out for the night.
Joel is too paranoid to leave a horse unattended, so you can't just ride with him and sleep with your head nestled on his backpack. He's also too paranoid to split up, so you don't even suggest it.
You know Joel doesn't like riding at night, but you feel like your flashlights do a pretty good job of illuminating the way. Joel's having a hard time seeing well enough to pick up any kind of trail, though. He gets the general direction right... but aside from that, you have no idea where the kid went. Your guess would be away from Jackson... but that would assume he knows which way that is; you don't know how good his direction sense is, or how much he was paying attention while you were riding. Joel decides that you two should just sweep the area until daylight, when you may be able to pick up a more clear trail.
It's a miserable few hours... or maybe it's only been one hour and the torture of the futility of it all is dragging it out all slow-like in your mind?... until the sun peeks over the horizon. You call for a pee break, do your business, then decide to see if Joel is more receptive to the idea of... telling you he doesn't hate you, basically.
He's ready to hop back up on his horse when you come back from your woodsy make-shift bathroom. "Joel, wait." You walk toward him... his face is impassive. Shit! You pretty much hurl yourself into his arms. "I'm soooo sorry. I feel like shit."
He doesn't even hug you back. "This ain't the time, kiddo. We gotta get back to where we started, see if the sun will help us find our way."
"In a minute." You look up, keeping your arms around his waist. "Do you hate me?"
He sighs. "Ellie, c'mon."
"Do you?"
"Of course not. Right now I just wanna find the kid."
Not the forgiveness you'd hoped for, but it's a start.
You still feel like you did the right thing, letting Zack make his own choice. So why do I feel so bad about it?
Because you deceived Joel. Duh. You tell yourself the ends justify the means, and all that shit, but... that's what you did. You just didn't expect the weight of the lie to be so heavy.
You can tell that Joel has noticed at least one thing: your heart isn't really in the search. He doesn't call you out on it, though. You let him assume what he will... that you're bored, or that you think it's a waste of time because it's so hopeless. ...which, you are, and it is! Your progress is so slow that you'll never catch up to the kid even if you are on the right track. And you can't be certain; Joel has followed multiple so-called trails that lead nowhere, causing you to backtrack, and basically has to follow his gut in the end.
By late morning, he studies the sky and frowns. "It's gonna rain. Any kind of tracks he may have left'll be gone soon."
The defeat in his voice seems to add a pound or two to your guilt. "Oh... yeah... I'm sorry, Joel."
"Let's go back an' get the rest of our shit. Maybe we'll find him if we take a different way back."
Neither of you believes it, but it could happen.
You watch him turn his horse around... and for some reason, you are overcome by an overwhelming urge to confess your sins right this second. But he'll hate you if you do that, you remind yourself.
...Maybe you DESERVE for him to! you counter yourself.
It's done. You're about to move on, and Joel isn't one to dwell on things... at least not out loud. So you'll be in the clear. As long as you can forget it...
If you can't live with the guilt and decide to confess your deceit, turn to page 217.
If you CAN live with it and keep your mouth shut, turn to page 223.
Carlos
Date: 2021-03-05 01:13 pm (UTC)RE: Carlos
Date: 2021-03-05 05:06 pm (UTC)