lumy12

Page One Hundred Forty-Five

If it turns out to be nothing, well... at least you'll probably be able to talk Joel into some make-out time? That's actually the deciding factor for you -- above safety concerns... even above it's what Joel would want me to do.

He's actually awake already as you approach the bed, before you reach his side. "Joel, it's me," you say, in case he doesn't know.

"What's wrong?"

"I think I heard something. I mean, I did hear something, but I think it might be... bad."

"Bad how?"

"Like... maybe someone came through the back door?"

"Shit..." He's putting his boots on now.

"It might be nothing," you add hastily. "It just... kind of sounded like the door... maybe... and I thought you'd want me to tell you." Suddenly you feel like the biggest--

"Good... that's good. You did the right thing."

--okay, so at least HE doesn't think I'm a big baby. Joel brushes by you, flashlight in one hand and one of his smaller guns in the other. You follow him into the hallway... down the stairs... at a creeping pace, but it's impossible not to make at least a little noise on those stairs. You don't say a word, knowing that he's listening hard.

He creeps around downstairs, careful around the corners or through doorways... and there's nothing.

"Okay, I feel dumb now," you whisper. "Maybe it was my imagination."

"I'm gonna take a quick look around outside anyhow, just in case. Go back upstairs an' wait for me, all right?"

"Shouldn't I go with--"

"Nah, I'll be fine. You can come down if you hear a gunshot or somethin'."

"It better be you doing the shooting, then!"

"Of course." He drops a kiss on the top of your head. "Go on."

You didn't bother putting your shoes back on, so you don't protest any further. Besides, it's obvious when he said "wait for me" that he wants you in the bed, right? If you're upstairs, the only other place he'd even think to look for you would be Zack's room, and it would be silly to talk (et cetera!) in there.

You ditch your jeans before climbing into the bed. Then you wonder if that's a jinx -- that undressing is going to somehow make Joel find trouble outside -- so you get up and put them back on. You're supposed to keep them on, Outside, but you hate sleeping in them. And you've caught Joel ditching his a time or two before! Before you two were even a thing... on that first fateful trip.

When you hear him coming back inside the house, you scramble to take them off again. You're back under the covers when he enters the room. "Nothing?" you ask.

"Nothin'," he confirms. "No signs of anyone around, that I could tell."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's fine." He sets the gun and light on the nightstand and perches on the bed beside you. "Guess it's my turn now, hmm?"

"Not yet..." You do your best to wrap him in your arms and tug him on top of you.

He obliges... and even kisses you, much to your delight. You thought he might be all "we can't do this with the kid right down the hall," but he seems cool about things...

...mostly. "Why are your pants on the floor?" he asks knowingly.

"Who needs pants?"

"You do. Your legs are gonna get cold."

"I have the blanket... and it's not like it's winter, for fuck's sake. Besides, I have you to keep--"

"Oh no you don't. I'm gonna go take my shift. Alone." He pulls away from you all too easily, retrieves your jeans off the floor, and drops them on your chest. "You might as well put 'em back on."

"I didn't just take them off cuz-- I mean, I do hate sleeping in them, you know."

"You never used to."

Ha! "Yeah I did. I just never said anything."

Joel looks at you thoughtfully. "You didn't complain much about anythin' back then."

"Neither did you. Cuz that would've required you to talk."

"Very funny. No, you were... agreeable to a fault, almost."

"Was not," you grumble. "I didn't like that you wouldn't give me a gun, remember?"

"...Mm, that's right. Well, I'm glad you feel you can speak your mind now."

"I... never didn't feel like that, really..." Okay, maybe a little. You wanted Joel to like you, and you didn't want to give him any reason to ditch you... but mostly, you just had bigger shit to worry about.

He leans in... only to kiss your forehead this time. "Get some sleep now. It's gonna be mornin' before you know it."

"Okay... 'night, Joel."

"Good night, baby girl. Love you."

"Love you too," you yawn-speak. You are pretty tired, you realize, now that you're all relaxed. You're pretty sure it's not Joel's turn yet (and you're very sure now that the whole guard thing is a waste of time; the kid is out) but you suppose there's no sense in Joel trying to get back to sleep now only to wake up in a little while, and you have no way of knowing what time it is. Joel's probably better at that because he takes some late night 'security' shifts that give him a better sense of where the moon is in the sky at any given time. And... well, he's just good at that shit. Hell, he can probably tell what time it is even when there's NO moon.

You fall asleep hugging your jeans, since you can't hug Joel.

You sleep surprisingly well, given the strange bed/surroundings and Joel-less-ness. Sleeping in weird places has never really been a problem for you (and if it ever was, the journey from Boston would've cured you of it!), but it feels weird not sleeping with Joel now. It's only been like a couple months... no, less than that, because even after we started kissing and stuff he was a big old prude about that... you eventually wore him down, like you always do. -Almost always, that is... but hey, you're still working on the sex thing! And you don't give up easily. One of these days you--

--OH MY GOD.

Oh my God! Did I fucking... I DID. I know I did! You left your 'journal' in Zack's room!

You scramble to get into your jeans. I don't know which would be worse: Zack finding it, or Joel-- fuck, of COURSE it would be worse if JOEL found it! It would be awkward with Zack, but you could talk your way out of it somehow. The kid might not even understand all of it. You don't remember how much you knew about sex at age ten; that was soooooo long ago.
But Joel... oh God please please PLEASE let me have shoved it far enough under the bed... DID I shove it under the bed? You might have! You race to the room -- which is now empty, so both Joel and Zack must be downstairs (and outside, since you don't hear them). You drop to the floor--

IT'S NOT HERE!

You search the whole room; you're sure you didn't take the time to put it in a drawer or in the closet, but maybe Zack or Joel did? Maybe they just flipped open to the first page and quickly lost interest in the 2013-girl's words... but why put it away? Maybe Joel caught a glimpse of something naughty and, prude that he is, didn't continue to read it... didn't realize you had written it... and hidden it away from Zack's innocent eyes. Yes! He would totally do that.

You ransack the entire second floor with this in mind. You check your own backpack, too. Nothing!

You return to Zack's room and stare at the carpet where you left the thing, as if willing the book to materialize.

"Ellie? What are you doin' up there?"

Joel's inside now... he must have heard your frantic searching.

"Nothing! Be right down!"

He's no longer inside by the time you get down there, so you take the opportunity to search the first floor rooms. Not as thoroughly as upstairs, because you really don't think it would be down here, but... it has to be somewhere. Joel must have put it in a saddlebag, or his own backpack... he apparently took all that shit downstairs already.

You find Joel and Zack in the back yard, eating oatmeal by the fire. "Mornin', sleepyhead," Joel greets you (and... he doesn't look freaked out, so... ?). "I saved you some. With strawberries... just how you like it." He offers you his bowl, since Zack is using what would have been yours.

The thought of sitting there just casually eating oatmeal without knowing where that diary is or who found it is unbearable to you. "Okay, thanks... I'm just gonna..." You head toward the horses, fighting the urge to run, and you see Joel has most of the stuff loaded up already. His backpack isn't there, though... it's with him... shit, I really REALLY hope that's not where the book is! You give the horses only the briefest of greeting pats and start pawing through the bags. Fuck fuck FUCK where is it?! You're keenly aware that Joel is watching you.

"Whatcha lookin' for?" he calls cheerfully.

Annoyingly, you can't tell by the way Joel's acting if he knows or not. "Um... the toilet paper..."

"...Well then you must've looked right over it. The TP's right there in the one bag it's always--"

"Did I say toilet paper? I meant... toothpaste. It's not in the usual spot." You mentally pat yourself on the back for noticing that.

"Oh! I have it!" Zack pipes up. "I forgot to put it back. Here!" He scurries over with the tube... and now you have to follow through with this. Your toothbrush is in its usual spot, so you hope Joel isn't paying attention to you anymore.

...No such luck. "Why're you doin' that now?" he asks. "What happened to 'toothpaste ruins the food'?"

Fuck, can't he just leave it alone? "Well... yeah, sometimes, but today... I think my dragon breath would ruin the food."

Zack giggles. "What does a dragon's breath smell like?"

You cover your mouth, as if sparing him the grossness. "It's nasty, dude. Go... back over there."

Joel doesn't make any further remarks about your activities. You brush your teeth... fill up your water canteen... and you surreptitiously search through more things while Joel isn't looking. You find the pencil -- you're sure it's the same one you had! -- but no book. You go pee around the side of the house and try to think of other methods of stalling.

But when you return, Joel waves you over. "Come on, now... I know you hate cold oatmeal."

"So stick it in the fire."

"Just come an' eat it, would you?"

You haven't checked all the compartments of all the bags yet, but you trudge back over to the fire and plop down next to Joel. He hands you the bowl. ...Does he know? Did he see it? How could the fucking thing just VANISH like that? You're very distracted by these thoughts and not really listening to Joel as he outlines your plans for the day. It doesn't SEEM like he's seen it. Wouldn't he either be laughing his ass off or freaking out? ...but I guess freaking out isn't really his style -- at least not the way I do... and he can't say anything in front of Zack, so... well, he COULD, though. He could make cryptic snarky remarks to let me KNOW he knows... yeah, that would be a Joel-like thing to do. He would torture me. So maybe he DOESN'T know! But then... where the fuck IS the damn thing?! Did I just dream the whole thing up? Did I imagine writing all that shit down but really it's all still in my mind? I must be losing it. At the ripe old age of sixteen, I'm losing my mind.

"You're real quiet," Joel observes. And he's looking at you, so you know he's not referring to Zack, who also hasn't said a whole lot.

"Just... got stuff on my mind."

"What kind of stuff?"

You shrug... and stare into your bowl like it takes a fuckton of concentration to feed yourself. ...Does he sound amused? I think he does. FUCK, I think he does. And why else would he think this is funny?

When you're done eating (and Zack has finished off the pot), Joel takes the bowl from you and stands. "Kid, do me a favor an' go rinse these out, would you? The jug an' the towel are right there... let the pot cool off, though. I'll get that in a bit."

"Okay. And then you want me to put them back in the same bag you got them out of?" Zack also gets to his feet.

"That's right. Thank you." Joel hands Zack your bowl and spoon. "An' when you're done with that... go play in the yard or somethin' 'til we're ready to go. It'll be a lil' while yet."

"Play... with what?"

"I don' know... look through that junk pile over there. Or search the yard, see if anyone left anythin' useful out here. I need to talk to Ellie... in private."

...FUCK!

--Oh, wait... maybe he just wants to kiss me or hug me or something. It doesn't necessarily mean--

"An' stay where I can see you, all right?"

...Uh... but if we're going INSIDE... FUCK! If we're NOT going inside, then--

"I'm not gonna run away," Zack grumbles.

"Still."

You get up and brush yourself off. "So... what do you want to talk to me about?" you dare to ask as the kid sets off to do Joel's bidding.

"Let's go sit on the porch."

With a feeling of dread -- the intensity of which rivals that of any dreadful feelings you've experienced before, even in matters of life and death! -- you follow him over there... up the steps... on to the love seat chair thing he wants you to sit on.

Instead of sitting down himself, he slowly reaches under the cushion on the chair. "Is this what you were lookin' for earlier?"

FUUUUUUUUUUCK OH GOD KILL ME NOW!

--Okay, calm down. It's okay. He's still being like... too casual about this, so maybe he doesn't know.

"No," you lie, feeling the heat rushing to your face already. "Um... what's that doing out here? I don't even remember bringing it. It's a girl's diary. From before." You think you sound reasonably calm, considering!

"Oh, I know what it is."

...And there it is. The first hint of a smile. He fucking SAW it! "What do you mean?" you ask, slightly less casually now.

"Ellie, knock it off. This ain't jus' some random girl's journal."

"What? That's exactly what it is."

"...Right. An' you haven't... oh, I don' know... maybe added your own two cents' worth after hers?" he smirks.

"No," you say stubbornly. That smirk can't be good...

"Huh. Well, that's real interestin'... somehow this girl wrote about two people named Joel an' Ellie... before you were even born. Damn, that is one hell of a coincidence. I think that--"

"Okay, fine! I... wrote a little bit. But that's private! You didn't read it, did you?" you ask him, all full of righteous fury now. You try to snatch it out of his hand, but he whips it out of reach.

"I did."

"What?! That's-- that's fucking private!" you sputter.

"Calm down... the kid ain't that far away."

"Did you read the whole thing?"

"I did," he repeats with another insufferable smirk. "Made guard duty go by real fast. I thank you for that."

"Give it back to me!" You try to grab it -- you're practically in his lap now, trying to yank it out of his fucking hands--

He laughs. "I will. I'll give it back. Just... not yet."

"It's not funny! I can't believe you-- how could you do that?!" (The anger trumps the shame, apparently.)

"You're right. I'm sorry," he says, perfectly sober now...

...except for that little twitch, that hint of amusement-- "Ugggghhhhh no you're not!"

"I am. Truly. It was wrong. I was just... sittin' there, with nothin' to do, an' I saw it layin' there when I first went in... I was curious, an' this was... it was a real page-turner. I promise I won't do it again."

And he won't -- because you're never going to write in it again! "Give it back to me!" You continue to try to pry it away from him, and he just sits there smirking, thoroughly enjoying your pain. "Why are you being such a dick?!"

"Will you keep it down? The kid--"

"I don't care if he hears that you're a dick! Fuck, just -- give it to me!"

"Not yet," he repeats patiently. "I... need to address a few things first."

The anger drains out of you like... like you just fucking opened that jug of water and dumped it all out. "You don't. You really don't," you say quietly, blanching with fear.

He ignores your plea and settles back in his seat, flipping through the pages. "First... oh, here. 'I tried not to stare but the thing was huge, so huge that I wondered how I would fit'-- excuse me. How 'IT... would fit in my mouth. I've seen one that big on a horse before but I assumed humans would be'--"

"Okayyyy! Stop!" you groan.

You are so embarrassed you want to die. Literally DIE.

If you die of embarrassment, turn to page 225.

If you endure the torture, turn to page 230.