CYOA Page 158
Sep. 12th, 2013 01:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12Whether it's self-preservation kicking in or your determination to keep your promise to Joel, your hesitation only lasts a moment.
You pull the trigger.
He staggers backward, but doesn't fall to the ground. Oh God, is he in pain right now?! You empty the chamber, firing all the bullets into his chest (you can't bear to shoot him in the face). He falls. Lays still. Just like that, he's gone.
Your whole body is shaking. You drop the gun and rush over to him... you fling your arms around his neck again, but this time he doesn't respond. Doesn't put his arms around you, doesn't stroke your hair, doesn't whisper soothing bullshit... nothing. You sob harder and longer than you ever thought possible... and then you sob some more.
He starts to feel cold to the touch. Joel's never cold... I should get him a blanket, you think stupidly. ...and then you sob even more.
You can't make yourself leave him. Only Joel would be able to pry you away, and... yeah. You do roll onto your back, though... and nestle yourself in the crook of his arm as best you can. You look up at the sky... the small patches you can see through the treetops. Joel picked a shady area to... to die, you make yourself finish the thought. He DIED. And he probably figured I'd lay here with him and he didn't want me to get sunburned or something. It sounds crazy... but you truly believe that's exactly what he did, to protect you even after he left you. Like you give a shit about a stupid fucking sunburn -- or anything else right now! The fucking sky is bright blue -- like it doesn't know it's supposed to be gray. It's usually gray this time of day, usually at least threatening to rain... Joel probably arranged that, too. He didn't want me to get soaked.
You're not doing what Joel wanted you to, right now. You're supposed to leave him immediately, get home as fast as you can. You can send a patrol out to fetch his body. It's not fair... if you died, Joel would just carry your body home. Probably cradled in his arms. He wouldn't just leave you here all alone. You could perhaps wrap him in a blanket, tie him to the horse, and drag him home... but you don't like the thought of that, either. It's so... undignified.
You are really close to Jackson now. And you know Joel was telling you what to do to give you the sense of purpose he knew you would need right now... the way he always made you his purpose. He was telling you everything he could think of that would make it easier...
But it DOESN'T, you think at him angrily. It fucking doesn't, because you LEFT me. I know I promised I wouldn't follow you, Joel, but you know what? I don't know if I can keep that promise.
And you're crying again. ...Crying still; it's not like you ever really stop.
The truth is... if you guys had a shovel with you, Joel probably would've just dug himself a grave so all you had to do was roll him into it. He would HATE to see me like this right now. It would break his heart.
You don't know what to do. You don't want to leave him, but you know you can't stay here forever... and that this corpse isn't him. You want someone to comfort you (and if it can't be Joel, then... yes, even if it's someone else), but you don't want to face everyone and have to tell them what happened. You want someone to come along and pull you out of this, but you don't want to deal with people not getting it (and no one is going to understand how broken your heart is. Shattered. Completely fucking obliviated).
...So what do I do?
... ...What would JOEL want me to do?
Because that's what you should do. Always.
That brings you back to his instructions to get home as fast as you can. Let someone else deal with retrieving his body. You're probably only an hour away now, if you ride hard. He wouldn't want me to be alone... and HE doesn't mind being alone. "Only for a little while," you tell him. You lift your head, daring to look at his face for the first time since he fell. The vacant stare nearly makes you lose it again, but you can't -- you have to just go or you'll never--
You do fetch him a blanket after all. You tuck it around him carefully... gently close his eyes to make it look like he's sleeping... kiss him on the forehead... then turn and run. Without looking back. You can't look back, or you won't be able to go.
"When you leave, you find the nearest mile marker," you remember him saying. You were too upset to even listen to him at the time, yet you recall this detail now. ...and wouldn't you know it? There's one right there. He probably stopped here on purpose to make it easy for you.
"Write it down and give it to the patrol guys so they can find me." "Okay, Joel," you say (yes, out loud). You have to do this; you're not extremely close to the highway, so they might not see him otherwise. They need to know exactly where to look. You don't want Joel's body just... laying out here to rot like so many others the two of you have seen.
You mount your horse quickly and take off at a gallop before your heart has a chance to catch up to your brain, paralyzing you (or worse). Joel wouldn't want you to be alone right now... therefore, you shouldn't be.
You race back to Jackson. To... begin the next chapter of your life, as Joel put it. He said you would smile and laugh and be happy again, in time. Therefore--
--Ha. He fucking HA.
Sorry, Joel, can't do that one. It was just bullsh-- --no. No, it wasn't. Joel wasn't lying to you (not on purpose, anyway). It was just wishful thinking... a fantasy. Something he had no choice but to believe. You hope it gave him comfort in his final moments of lucidity.
If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.
Carlos
Date: 2020-11-02 11:39 am (UTC)