CYOA Page 164
Sep. 12th, 2013 10:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12You know for a fact that Joel has your best interests at heart. You've lived this long without knowing all his secrets... surely you can keep on going in the same manner. "I do trust you, so... okay."
"Okay? You'll drop it?"
You nod, and the look of sheer relief on his face enforces your belief that you made the right call. "Thank you, baby girl. Thank you. Now... in an' out," he reminds you. "No talkin' to Fireflies, or anyone else besides Danny. You understand?"
You understand, all right... but you're still dying of curiosity! The wheels in your brain keep turning the whole rest of the way to the hospital... even after you go inside. You're pretty much just following Joel blindly, your mind in a fog.
What does he mean about things staying in the past that would only hurt you now? That's the phrase that haunts you, more than anything that Kylie said. And you're sure it's the key: it's not that Joel's ashamed of anything that happened that day... he just doesn't want to cause you any pain.
One idea that sounds ludicrous as fuck but takes root anyway: Joel had sex with a Firefly.
I mean... that WOULD hurt me now... and there's absolutely no reason to tell me that. It wouldn't make me break up with him, though. We weren't together that way, at the time -- it's not like he cheated on me. Maybe he's afraid I'd be constantly wondering, trying to compare myself to her or something-- Well, of course you would. How could you not?! But you still wouldn't break up with him over it. How could he even think that?
But that's why it's ridiculous. -Actually, no, it's ridiculous because IT'S RIDICULOUS. I almost drowned, and then he did find the Fireflies while I was unconscious... and they had to give me drugs to revive me or something, so I wasn't like... all good. I was messed up. He did love me then... not the way he loves me now, but he did care, so wouldn't he have stayed with me? Especially since I was unconscious... I couldn't defend myself. In a strange place. Why would he even be THINKING about sex, let alone seeking it out? He always makes it sound like he hasn't fucked anyone in years... wait, maybe they just kissed. That's still pretty bad. Obviously it wasn't Kylie, because she didn't recognize him, and of COURSE anyone who's ever kissed Joel would fucking remember it for the rest of their lives as the best kiss they ever had, so...
Oh my God... that blond chick that just walked by us... she was totally giving him a LOOK! Fucking bitch-- I could kill her!
But then Joel gives you a what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you look, and you realize she's not the one... the mystery woman he hooked up with (or whatevered with). Of course it wasn't her -- this is a different hospital, and these people aren't even necessarily Fireflies.
So who was it?
You've decided it was someone. And not Marlene... sadly, she didn't even make it to Utah.
...or so Joel SAID... oh my God... COULD it be Marlene? She was never really like a mom to me, but she was SOMEthing... maybe he thinks I'd feel too weirded out being with someone who fucked my not-mom? That makes more sense than if it was a random person!
Except... we weren't even together then, and he knew it hurt when he told me she died. Did he think I'd take that better than him fucking her? He could've just lied and said she's still alive, if he's all about sparing me pain...
Ohhhh -- maybe that's it! Maybe she's alive, and he was afraid that I'd want to go be with her instead of him if I knew that?
...No, that doesn't make sense, either. He knows that he and I got closer on that trip than I ever got to Marlene. We never lived together... I barely ever saw her, really.
You're convinced now that you were right the first time: this involves another woman. Fuck! You're going to drive yourself crazy, wondering who it was and what she's like... if he still thinks about her...
And you'll spend the rest of your life wondering, unless you can sort of break your promise a little bit and just ask Joel to confirm that it's totally too ridiculous to be true. And then you'll drop it forever. You can wait until he's in a good mood... one of those moods he gets in sometimes when you've said or done something that makes him laugh and say "You're so cute." Yeah... that's what you'll do. And then he'll laugh and tell me I'm cute about THIS!
After that, you'll truly be able to drop it -- because whatever really happened that day, it couldn't possibly be as bad as Joel being with another woman.
If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.
Carlos
Date: 2021-04-05 04:21 am (UTC)RE: Carlos
Date: 2021-04-05 01:26 pm (UTC)