CYOA Page 195
Sep. 11th, 2013 06:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12You hate to leave Zack... but your fear of losing Joel trumps that hate, easily. "You'll be fine, the gun's ready to shoot, just... and here, take this--" You toss him a small pack of ammo.
"Ellie, no! I don't even know how to--"
"I have to help Joel! Stay here -- they might not even come your way, okay?" With that, you take off toward the hot mess surrounding Joel... and try to forget the look of sheer terror on the boy's face. You're pretty sure he started following you, but then retreated when you got too close to the infected.
Joel is defensively shivving one of the Clickers, so you light up the others that are too close for comfort (as well as a runner) with a well-lobbed Molotov cocktail. And you get a bonus motherfucker who wanders over, attracted by the noise, and walks right into the flames. SO DUMB!
You see Joel taking on the infected to his right, so you start shooting the ones to his left. Only one gets close enough to grab you, and you struggle to free yourself and/or put a bullet into its side or something, but Joel clubs it over the head with a pipe he's been carrying and the thing releases you. "I told you to stay with the kid," Joel scolds you before turning to the next Runner in line.
"I could see you needed help!" you fire back... while you fire at another Runner. "You have any more ammo for this thing in your pocket? I'm getting--"
"I didn' need help. There's infected all around here--"
"Exactly! Which is why I--"
"You should stay--"
"--out of all this? You don't have to protect me from--"
"I know -- but the boy--"
"I heard him shooting! Did you hear--"
And then you hear something else -- something that sends a jolt of terror through you: screaming.
"Ellie-- now--" Joel grabs your arm and spins you around before you can fire what you're pretty sure is your last shot. But he doesn't need to drag you away; you're freaking out about Zack, too. You and Joel both run back to where you left him...
And now your screams mingle with his. "Zack! ZACK!" you wail helplessly. We're too late! Oh my God-- ZACK--
Joel shoots all three Clickers while you look on in horror, stunned at the sight of--
I can't fucking look!
...but... you do. Because he's still screaming... the Clickers are dead, and he's still fucking screaming because he's still alive... you rush in to push the Clicker's body off of him, and to... help him?
But you can see he's beyond help. You collapse beside him and start blubbering some nonsense about being sorry; your inadequate apologies are drowned out by his cries of pain. You want to comfort him, to take his hand or something... but you fucking can't because he's so... fucked up.
"Ellie, get up!" Joel's voice slices through the screaming... through the fog that's begun to creep over your brain...
You don't mean to ignore him, but you can't move... and you can't even speak now because the tears are taking over. I'm so so sorry, Zack! I can't believe I left you to this--
"Ellie!"
You hear more gunfire, but don't bother to look around you to assess the situation. Joel is in your peripheral vision... he's fine. Just killing more infected. You should probably help with that, but you can't seem to make yourself get up. Zack's gonna die... I deserve to die along with him...
You feel a hand jerking you back roughly. It's Joel... and he's not trying to comfort you. Why should he? I'm a horrible person. A monster who leaves children with other monsters.
He stands in between you and Zack, and... now you know what he's doing.
One more shrill gunshot...
...followed by absolute silence.
Joel wastes no time in tugging you to your feet. "Come on. We've gotta move. I don' know where those hunters--"
"We can't leave him here!" you wail, jerking away from him. "I don't care if the hunters kill me. I killed Zack so it's only fair." You slump back to the ground next to... Jesus, you can't even tell it's Zack anymore...
Joel sighs. "Ellie, we don't have time for this. He's gone. You need to--"
" 'He's gone' ?" You look up at Joel in disbelief. "You sound like... oh well, that sucks but life goes on? How can you be so cold? How is this all so easy for you?"
You see something shift in his eyes... it makes you immediately regret your harsh words. "Easy? I just blew away a ten-year-old kid -- a kid I was sworn to protect. You think that was easy for me? But we can't-- we're too vulnerable out here in the open. If you wanna fall apart, you're gonna do it someplace else."
Speaking of harsh words... You rise to your feet and regard him coolly. "Fine. I'll go fall apart in that building across the street. Does that make you happy?"
"...No. It don't. I think some of these infected came from--"
"Good! I'll go hang out with them, then." You turn and bolt before he can stop you. You think he's right about the infected coming from there... which means the front door should open for you.
Yep, you yank it open pretty easily... and you don't go very far inside. You're in some kind of... glorified hallway? You collapse on a couch near a directory that shows what businesses are on what floors. And there are lots of floors. If Joel's following you -- of course he is -- will he check all of them before deciding this place is safe enough for you to fall apart in? You curl up in the corner of the couch and bury your face in it (catching a noseful of dust that makes you cough) so you don't have to look at him. You hear him come inside... and then move past you. Yep, he's checking things out. Knock yourself out, Joel...
When you hear him go down the hall, you turn your head and look out the glass doors to the street, at the unsightly lump of Zack-and-infected that you just abandoned. You can see the horses beyond that, calm now... there's no more infected, no hunters -- a view like this should be enough to appease Joel.
You don't fall apart. You just sit there, leaning into the dusty arm of the couch, staring dumbly out the door... wondering if this really happened or if you're about to wake up from a nightmare. You become aware of Joel sitting beside you, and you don't think he was gone very long. Maybe he thought you were going to take off. How fucking annoying, you grumble to yourself. I came in here to get out of the street, Joel -- just like you wanted. I wasn't RUNNING AWAY.
He doesn't say a word. Just sits there. He clears his throat, which makes you think he might be about to speak... but then he doesn't. Maybe it was the dust? Great... so he's just sitting there, waiting for me to get my shit together, thinking about how this is all my fault because I didn't do what he said... and then somehow making that HIS fault, because I'm just a stupid kid and he's ~THE ADULT.~ And he's totally thinking JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, ELLIE, GET OVER IT, WILL YOU?
-No. You don't actually think that's what he's thinking. Because when you pretty much accused him of not giving a shit, he showed you that he did. This isn't 'no big deal' to him.
That's it... I shouldn't have said that shit, and he's waiting for me to apologize. He's going to punish me for it until I do.
But that doesn't seem like Joel's style, either. ...It's more yours, actually. You're not trying to punish him now, though. You just... don't know what to do. You glance at Joel for the first time since he sat down. He's leaning forward, staring out through the grimy doors, just like you are... a blank, unreadable expression on his face. It occurs to you that maybe you should just ask him what he's thinking, rather than assuming all kinds of shit to suit your fancy. Would he tell you? If you suck at eloquently sharing your feelings... Joel sucks more.
You sit up... wait to see if he takes note of your shift in position... which, he does not... you lean over and lay a hand on his back tentatively. When he doesn't pull away, or even flinch, you lay your head against his shoulder and rub soothing circles into his back. I'm sorry, Joel... I did this, not you...
Still without a word, he leans back and pulls you into his arms, hugging you tightly and sighing. For some reason, you feel like you might cry again. You don't want to! You want to be strong, like Joel. You want to be strong for Joel. You break the silence by saying, "I'm sorry." Which... encompasses everything, really. You're sorry for what you said, sorry for losing it... sorry that it fucking happened...
"Me, too."
But then you both fall silent again. You're in no hurry to leave, so if he wants to just sit there and hold you, you're good with that. After a few minutes, though, you feel like you ought to be talking. "I love you," you try again.
"Love you, too." He kisses the top of your head. "Thank you for helpin' me out."
...Um... what? That's the last thing you expected to hear him say. "Helping you out?"
"With the infected. I was in trouble, an' if it wasn't for you helpin' me..."
"Really? Cuz... you seemed really annoyed at the time."
"I didn't wanna admit it, is all. What do you call it... my stupid male ego?"
You lift your head to look at him. Unfortunately, you can never tell if he's being straight with you by just looking at his face. Is he serious? ...or... FUCK, I get it now-- "You don't have to do that," you say dully.
"Do what?"
"Lie to try to make me feel better... about what I did."
"What is it that you think you did?"
"I don't think anything -- it's what I did. I ditched--" ...Fuck, now I can't even say his name??... "I chose you over him. He was too freaked out by the infected to come with me and I... I fucking..." ...LEFT HIM TO DIE.
"You were scared for me. I would've done the same thing if it was you."
"Pfff."
"I would have," he insists.
You tuck your head into his neck. "No you wouldn't. You would've saved us both."
"Which is exactly what you would've done, if you'd been able to."
Here come the tears... "I fucked up. I should've stayed with him... or fucking dragged him or something--"
"Then I'd be dead."
"Shut up! You didn't even need me. If you were in over your head you would've broken away from them. I've seen you do it. I should've trusted--"
"Of course I needed you. Do I hate that you saved me instead of a kid with his whole life ahead of him? Sure. But I understand: you had no choice. I'm tellin' you... if it had been you..."
You know he's just trying to assuage your guilt... you also know his "if it had been you" sentiments are sincere. He never finishes them out loud, but he doesn't have to; you can hear them in your head. Or, rather, your heart.
"You know what else?" he continues. "It's ...awful to say. Horrible. But thank God it was him that got... that it was him an' not you." He's all choked up now... that last part barely audible. A thought too painful to say out loud...
It might be horrible, but you feel the same way. If that happened to Joel... you can't even finish that thought in your head! And Joel won't come out and say it, but... you've always gotten the feeling that if you died, he would die, too. You're too afraid to ask him (...but if you're right, he'd probably just lie). You sniffle and blink back more tears. Poor Zack... he was always number three here... and no one in his LIFE made him number one. He deserved so much better. You were getting all excited about 'fixing' things for him at home, too. About improving his life... and instead, you ended it. That just... there's not enough room in my heart for all the fucking PAIN...
"Go ahead," Joel urges you softly, squeezing you. "It's all right. I got you."
NOW he wants me to cry? "No... I don't have to."
"It's okay, baby girl. Let it out."
You're afraid if you 'let it out,' it might never stop coming out.
"You'll feel better after you do. C'mon," he presses.
"Well... if you really want me to..." You try to chuckle but it comes out sounding like a strangled hiccup. You bury your face in his shirt... and then you give in to the tears. Not just tears but sobs, powerful ones (though muffled by the shirt) that wrack your whole body.
Joel's 'got' you... he holds you, rubs your arm, strokes your hair... you thought that once you relinquished control over your emotions, they'd just run rampant -- tears flowing forever -- but that doesn't happen. Thanks to him, you're done after a few minutes. He kisses your hair again. "Feel better? At least a little?"
"A little." You're never going to 'get over' this. Never. But you no longer feel like you're about to dissolve into a puddle of nothing. "I don't know what I'd do without you," you blurt out, apparently still too emotional to filter mushy shit like that...
Joel doesn't seem to mind. "You don't give yourself enough credit. But I'm here. Whatever you need." He tilts your chin up... and you're touched to see that his eyes are moist. (...Was he actually crying with you?) He gives you the sweetest little kiss.
"I'm all gross," you point out, embarrassed.
He chuckles. "You? What about me? I really need to wash this shirt now."
It is rather... covered in blood and slime and filth. Plus you've added snot and tears (and probably more dirt) to the mix. "Yeah, thanks to me."
"Anythin' you added to it is only an improvement," he says lightly.
A giggle escapes you. "Yeah, right!" ...How the fuck did he just make me LAUGH right now? Life is so fucking weird.
...It really is. You're devastated by what happened, yet you feel so lucky at the same time. Lucky that you and Joel are alive. That you're together. When it comes down to it, nothing is more important than that.
If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.
Carlos
Date: 2021-01-30 05:22 am (UTC)Re: Carlos
Date: 2021-01-30 12:51 pm (UTC)