CYOA Page 197
Sep. 11th, 2013 05:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12You're still humming Joel's song, mostly to yourself now, when he pokes his head in the door -- the front door, which is only a short way down the hall from you. "Everythin' all right in there?"
"Yep. We're good."
He comes over anyway. It's almost totally dark now so neither of you can see. "She asleep?"
"Yeah. ...I sang her -- er, hummed, more like? -- that rainbow lullaby... song... whatever it is." He said it wasn't really a lullaby, that it was from a movie... and yes, he'll watch the movie with you at home, assuming you can find it (neither of you is overly familiar with the titles of children's movies in the town library).
"Still can't believe you never heard it before," he says lightly.
But he says that about a lot of things, and he knows very well why you haven't. Not just you, but kids in general. Things were so different back in his day... you feel sorry for him sometimes, being stuck in 'your' time, with all its limitations.
He stands there another few moments... you can't see him in the darkness. Can't see his expression. Finally, he says, "Can you come back outside? I want to finish our conversation."
...Did I hear that correctly? You seriously doubt those six words have ever escaped Joel's lips -- at least, not strung together like that. Figures that it's one I don't really want to continue... "Okay."
He returns to his spot by the tree, and you sprawl out on the ground fairly close to him. The fire is still nice and strong, providing a cozy amount of heat. You wait patiently for him to speak.
He clears his throat. "I want you to know... I meant no disrespect, before... when I said you didn' know what all this entails? It came out wrong."
That's pretty close to an apology. And you weren't thinking that he owes you one -- at least, not since you decided he was just making excuses. "You're not wrong. I mean, I don't know everything. I know... pretty much nothing, technically speaking."
"It don' matter. You can learn. You're capable. I just don' know that you understand... the magnitude of it."
"I understand that it means... she comes first. The world would revolve around her, pretty much. For a long time. Years and years -- until she doesn't need me anymore."
Joel chuckles. "Kids never stop needin' their parents... in some ways. Even if they think they don't, they still do. I seem to recall you sayin' you don't need a dad, but then--"
"I was just pissed off," you remind him.
"I know you were. Then you got it in your head that I was gonna leave, so you changed your mind." He smiles a little.
"I was young and stupid."
"That was... six, eight months ago, tops," he says with amusement.
"Well, I'm older now. You can't say I'm not!"
"...No, I certainly can't. ... ...I was makin' a point..."
"About me not knowing anything," you remind him helpfully.
"That's right. I do think that sixteen is real young to be a mom..."
Your ears perk up a little at his choice of 'real' instead of 'too' to describe your age.
"...but I can't deny that the way you've been, with her... it's how I'd expect a mom to act. A mom that loves her kid, at least. Hell, that doctor -- after we first got to the hospital? -- she was prob'ly wonderin' if you were her mom, instead of my poor dead wife."
"Well, you were ~in shock~," you snicker a little. "And I know you were worried about Ellie, too. You would've asked questions and stuff if I let you. But would it be so weird to be concerned about my little sister? I mean... it's still family."
"About that." He clears his throat again.
In spite of yourself, you're starting to get your hopes up here...
"I was thinkin'. Sixteen is young, but maybe it's old enough. Things ain't the way they used to be... where it would interfere with your schoolin', an' you'd have to work your ass off to make ends meet, constantly worried about how you're gonna afford everythin' she needs... an' while you're busy doin' that, someone else is takin' care of her an' you miss things. Important things."
You know he's remembering Sarah; he was seventeen when she was born. He's told you how big a concern money was back then -- for everyone, not just him. How it drove so many decisions... made things possible or impossible... you can't really comprehend how it could be so important, even to people like Joel who don't care about having fancy things. Any comparison he tries to make to illustrate it for you falls flat. But you do understand the need to not get kicked out of your home with nowhere to go, and that things like food and clothing were not typically acquired by stealing, scavenging, hunting, or farming.
"It ain't like that now," he continues. "People may have other shit to worry about... bigger issues, in some ways, since it can be life or death... but if we can keep Jackson as safe as it is? Those kids have a real good shot at a decent childhood. Things ain't perfect, but... -I'm gettin' sidetracked again..."
"Sixteen's old enough if money's not a concern," you prompt him. You love it when Joel is this talkative!
"Right. There's lots about parentin' that's hard that ain't about the money, though. You might feel like it's too much... get overwhelmed..."
"I wouldn't!" You rise to a sitting position, leaning on one hand.
"You might. You don' know until you've lived with it a while. But... I've seen how you are with Ellie, and... I don't see a little girl playin' with her doll."
You snort. "I never really played with dolls when I was a little girl."
"I figured as much." He smiles. "Anyway, the way you've been, these last few days... I think you deserve a shot, if you want one."
"A shot? ...you mean..." You hold your breath.
"I was thinkin' maybe we do somethin' like a trial run. For... I don' know how long."
You're not sure you like this... "Like a test. If I fuck up, then we give her to--"
"No no no -- not like that. Not like a... a pressure situation. Just... if you start feelin' like it's a mistake, an' you want an out, you've got one."
"Are you serious? You're not fucking with me right now." But you've been watching him, and he sure looks serious...
"You really think I'd do that to you? I ain't done, though. I'm pretty sure that, even if you feel overwhelmed, you would still love that little girl--"
"Of course I would -- and I wouldn't feel overwhelmed! At least not so bad that I wanted to get rid of her."
"Yes, you've made it clear you feel that way now. Just play the ~what if~ game with me for a minute, all right? Maybe you want to spend more time with your friends, or... you don't wanna stay up with her all night when she's sick. You're tired all the time, an' more miserable than happy... but you love her, so... maybe we'd still keep her, an' you could be more like her big sister than her mom, an' you wouldn't have to feel guilty about it, 'cause it's... it would just be... an option. I know you don't think that would happen... but I'd feel better about all this if it was at least on the table."
"What, so like... she calls me 'mommy', but suddenly I'm her sister, so we have to re-train her to call me... her own name?"
Joel chuckles. "The Ellie-Ellie thing is gonna be confusin' for everyone."
"But that's her name! I want her to keep it! It's what Avery--"
"I know, I know -- she can keep it. And I think that... the trial prob'ly wouldn't last that long? You'll know before she starts talkin'. Basically... it's only been a few days right now, an' for such a big decision..."
"A few months would be better."
"Exactly."
You're almost ready to let yourself get excited about this. But... this is a big BUT! "Okay, but Joel... you don't really want this. Would it be like... a trial run for you, too? If it doesn't work out, you just decide you're going to be her.... um, grandpa, I guess..."
Joel winces, which makes you giggle. "Don't use that word," he says with an exaggerated shudder.
"Well, whatever -- so Ellie could end up with a sister and a grandpa and no parents. Ha! Except I don't want to be just her sister. But, hey..." -- why didn't I think of this before?? -- "If you don't really want to be her dad, you could be her grandpa right from the start. Right? You play with her and teach her stuff and... whatever grandfathers do with their granddaughters? But you don't do all the day-to-day shit. And ultimately, she's not your responsibility."
"I don't want to be her grandpa," Joel says... in a tone that makes you think he's in denial about being old enough to be one (you've done the math and decided it's very likely he would be one by now, if Sarah had lived). "We live in the same house. I think I'd pretty much end up in the dad role by default anyhow."
..."default"... you don't like that word. Not in this context. "So... you're willing to be her father. Not because you want to, but... for my sake. Because you know it's what I want... and you're kind of like my dad so you feel like you need to give me what I want..."
"Not always," he says defensively.
But most of the time, you take that fatherly desire he has to make you happy and use it in order to get your way, when it suits you. How can I do that NOW, though... with something so huge? This isn't like... depriving him of half a slice of pie because you inhaled yours in five seconds and still want more (...you probably shouldn't do that, either). Here, you're depriving him of... time, for one thing... independence... peace and quiet... you're outlining what his life is going to be like for the foreseeable future. It's in accordance with your wishes, not his. He's carried burdens for you before... but this...? "She's... not a bag, Joel. Or a gun or an ax or... whatever else you carry..."
"I'm aware of that. ...She's lighter than most of those things," he quips.
"She's not, though. She's actually heavier. Like... the heaviest thing you've ever carried for me, times a thousand." You feel hot tears welling up suddenly... stupid fucking fire... but no, of course it's not the smoke. You stare at the flames and swallow hard a couple times.
Joel doesn't say anything. Either he's giving you a moment to compose yourself, or... he's weighing my words (ha! even NOW I'm 'punny'?)... he's changing his mind...
"That wouldn't be fair," he finally says.
"No. It wouldn't. I can't do that to you." That's that, then... don't CRY...
"I meant it wouldn't be fair to you. That would be a big burden for you to carry."
"...What?"
"If you felt like I was only doin' this 'cause you want me to."
"I'd feel like that because that's what you are doing. Or trying to do. I can't let you do it. Not when, like you said, there are other options. Good options. Maybe even better options."
"Ellie--"
"No, it's okay." You feel brave enough to look at him now. "I never should've pushed you like that. I'm sorry. But... the fact that you were willing to do it... that's just... I can't thank you enough."
"Get over here." He motions for you to come sit next to him. He puts his arm around you and hugs you to his side. "You've got the wrong idea, kiddo."
"...I do?"
"And I can't thank you enough, for lookin' at it that way." He kisses the top of your head (you like it when he does that). "You're so selfless... you're gonna be a great mom."
"Someday," you add.
"Mm. More like today."
"No, Joel, I just said--"
"Just listen, all right? Ain't gonna lie... part of me wants this because you want it so badly, yes. But you weren't... pushin', before. You were tryin' to make me admit that I'm feelin' the same way you are. I couldn't see it... I didn't want to see it. You're just smarter than me about this shit, I reckon."
You look him in the eye, once again trying not to get too hopeful. "Are you saying that you do feel the same way I do?"
"Yes."
"You want to raise her. Be her dad."
"Yes."
"This is huge... the responsibility--"
"I've never shied away from that. That part, I'm good with."
That's true. He's not just 'good' with it, generally speaking -- you believe he thrives on it. Maybe even needs it. "It's the other stuff that's hard."
"It can be. Like that feelin' that hit me the second I saw the horse's legs go up in the air."
I KNEW he wasn't just worried about me, or how Ellie's death would affect me! "Yeah. It sucks. But you're not gonna have that soon -- we're almost home, and then she's not going Outside until she's like... sixteen."
Joel chuckles. "Sure."
"And she won't ride horses 'til she's big, either! And whatever else happens -- I'm here. I can help you deal with it."
He gives you a little smile. "I'm s'posed to help you."
"No, we help each other. Like a team. Whether you like it or not, that's what we do."
"All right."
You sit up as the dam gates restraining your excitement finally start to open. "This is really happening, isn't it! She's... ours."
"She sure is."
"I just wanna go inside and squish her or something!"
Joel laughs. "Don't do that -- she'll be awake soon enough. Prob'ly right after you fall asleep."
"Oh, man -- sleep? How can I sleep now? We have so much to talk about! Like... where's she gonna sleep? Do we need to get a bigger house? What about a crib -- that's the first thing we need to do when we get home, right? Find her one. And wash out all the bottles really good. And check out the diaper situation -- and milk -- and can we get her a stroller? I don't know how many we have in town -- oh, we have to get one, so we can take her for walks around the park! Everyone's gonna love her. I bet we could use Rory's -- he's pretty big now, I don't think he needs it anymore, do you? And -- fuck, how could I forget this one? She needs clothes. What did you guys call those things... one-ies?"
"Onesies."
"Yeah -- those. And maybe some dresses, I guess? Whatever we have that fits. Should we see about getting breast milk, or will we have enough formula? Can we put in a trade order for some? Wouldn't hurt to get it from both trades. Cereal, we've got covered. She can eat oatmeal. But not for three more months. Or is it four? Fuck -- good thing we have the book. Jackson has baby care books, too, so we can read all those! Do you think we have any baby monitors? Like little walkie talkie things except you don't talk into them. So if she wakes up when-- er... wait, we won't need one -- your fucking hearing is so good, you'll hear her even if you're in the middle of a dead sleep! But... that means you'd always be the one getting up, which isn't fair. You should wake me up some of the time. That sucks, though, cuz you'd have to get up to go to my room so you'd be up anyway -- okay so yeah, we should get a baby monitor, then we can take turns. Unless--"
"Ellie," he finally cuts in, but he's smiling at your enthusiasm. "Slow down a little, will you? We've still got another two days before we--"
"Day and a half, isn't it?"
"...No, I think it's more like two days. Maybe even longer. We ain't makin' real good time comin' back. Which is fine. We have plenty of time to figure it all out, one thing at a time. Even after we get home."
"Okay but just one more thing -- if we don't move to a bigger house, she can have my room, and me'n'you can share. Then when you hear her crying, and it's my turn, you can just push me out of the bed and go back to sleep!"
He gives you a look. "Me'n'you... sharin' a bed?"
"Yeah! We already do sometimes anyway." Not much anymore, though...
"Hardly ever. It still ain't..."
"What -- appropriate?"
"Right. This is a... co-parentin' kinda deal. Not..." He's all... uncomfortable now. Ha!
You roll your eyes. "I knoooowww. That doesn't mean--"
"Yes, it does mean. We stay in our own rooms. If we get her a bassinet, she can take turns sleepin' in each of our rooms... until we move. Definitely need a bigger house. Real soon."
"Okay -- we can go house-hunting! That'll be fun!"
"For you, maybe. These old houses can have a lot of problems. The one we've got now is pretty good, but... I'm sure there's other good ones."
"Or we can just fix whatever's wrong with the next one." And by 'we,' you mean Joel... unless he can kindly instruct you on how to help him. Which you would gladly do! You've learned a lot of maintenance shit from him already. He seems to like teaching you... he's going to be so CUTE with Ellie, teaching her things! He's gonna be the best dad ever... he already IS. You beam at him. "Thank you, Joel. I know you said you didn't do it just for me, but I have to thank you anyway. You're the best." You fling your arms around his neck happily, and he hugs you tight.
"Thank you, baby girl."
You chuckle into his neck. "Maybe you can't call me that anymore... ?"
"Like hell I can't. You'll always be my baby girl."
Awwww! "And so will she," you add. "Right?"
"...You okay with that?"
"Of course! Why wouldn't I be?"
"All right, then... so will she," he agrees.
"Two baby girls... two Ellies... yeah, it might be a little confusing," you giggle.
"Nah. We'll figure it out."
You pull away and scrunch your face at him. "As long as I'm not Ellie Senior. Yuck."
Joel grimaces at that, too. "Maybe Big Ellie an' Little Ellie, or Baby Ellie."
"Yeah... I like that better. Prob'ly the only time in my life anyone will consider me big. Oh! Maybe she can be ~Daddy's little princess~. Obviously that's not me!"
"Ugh... not sure I can handle a princess."
"Yes you can," you laugh. (You think he might secretly enjoy that, actually.) "Don't worry -- we'll make sure she's still a bad-ass."
You are so happy that your heart is like... bursting! You sure got a lot more than you bargained for on this trip. More than you ever expected to have in-- fuck... it still hasn't quite sunk in... I'm a MOTHER. Is that a trip or what?!
It's a bit scary to think about, actually. You're not truly as confident as you were presenting yourself to be. But you don't have to do it alone. That's huge! And you very much like Joel's chill "we'll figure it out" attitude. You'll figure it all out together. And you can't wait!
If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.
Carlos
Date: 2020-06-29 01:42 pm (UTC)Re: Carlos
Date: 2020-06-30 12:43 am (UTC)