CYOA Page 198
Sep. 11th, 2013 05:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12You can't give up.
That's what you tell yourself.
...but I have to give HIM up... how can I? How can I do that?
You think about what people would tell you right now, if they found you here on your knees in the mud, completely inconsolable. What sort of bullshit would you tell you, if you were them? Because sometimes, what sounds like bullshit at the time is actually true. How many times has Joel told you "it's going to be okay"... and you don't really believe him, but it turns out he's right?
"At least he didn't suffer."
-True...ish. You're pretty sure those last moments, when he was falling and he knew he was going to die when he landed -- were the most terrifying of his life. Physically, though? He stilled so fast that you have to believe he died instantly. You have to.
"He would've wanted you to go on with your life."
Absolutely true, and that's why you haven't joined him at the bottom of the cliff. You hope he wasn't worried about that while he was falling... but he probably was! Yes... of course he was... he's always used worrying about me as a means of avoiding his own pain... did it bring you any relief at the end, Joel? I wish I could've reassured you that I wouldn't kill myself...
"It's going to be okay."
...
... ... NOT fucking true. Not one bit.
In fact, it's so not-fucking-true that you actually feel angry with Joel. How could he condemn you to this life? This not-life... knowing you'll never laugh again. Never smile. Never be happy. Why would he want that for you? Didn't he love you? How could he be so fucking selfish as to expect you to carry on without him?
...Well, maybe 'selfish' isn't the right word, as he's not getting anything out of it. Did he when he was alive? How could the thought of you being miserable forever bring him any sort of peace or comfort?
"He wouldn't wish that on you. You know he wouldn't. He liked to think that you would get over it... that you'd forget about him and just go on living."
Well, that's never going to happen.
How can you even go back to Jackson now? How can you just stroll into town like nothing happened? How can you face Tommy... and have to tell him his brother is dead and it's all your fault?
"Joel would want you to go back. To be around your friends and family. People who love you."
Well, tough shit -- you can't be around them right now. They wouldn't like it that you're never going to smile and laugh again. All they would do is try to make you forget Joel... so that they can have their old Ellie back. The Ellie that they love -- not the zombie girl you're going to become.
"He would also want you to be safe."
Oh yeah? Well-- ... ...well. You'd like to give him that one, but... you don't know what's going to happen to you. Your Jackson life is over. You can't look in all those people's faces and feel their pity wash over you. You can't just gallivant around town without Joel, knowing that everyone's looking at you and clucking to themselves, thinking "poor Ellie, she's so lost without Joel..."
Not to mention all the fucking memories. No -- you're positive you need to find a new place to go. Somewhere Joel's never been... or never been with you, at least... Texas, maybe? Would he like it if you tried to find his hometown? Would it remind you of him without stabbing you in the heart the way all your memories are going to? ...Wait... what heart? My heart is dead. It's down there with Joel.
You idly wonder if people in Texas would have Joel's accent. It sounds like a no-brainer, but you're from Boston and people tell you that you don't have a Boston accent. In fact, you're not even sure you could pick a Boston accent out of a line-up.
Why are you even thinking about accents right now, of all things? Who gives a FUCK.
"People back home would miss you. They'd want to help you through this."
You're not so sure about that one. It sounds nice, but... people tend to bail when things get rocky. Fuck -- even Joel tried to. Once... a million years ago... he would never have done that to you again. ...except he fucking DID, right now! -No. It's not his fault. You can't be angry with him! It's your fault, for fuck's sake -- you disobeyed him. Twice.
"They would worry about you. They wouldn't know what happened. How can you do that to them?"
Well, they'll get used to it! How many people have you known who have dropped out of your life for one reason or another and to this day you have no idea if they're alive or dead? That's just fucking life. Besides... they think you'll forget about Joel? That means they will forget about you.
You just... can't be with people who knew you Before. "I'm sorry, Joel," you say out loud. "I know that's not what you wanted... but at least I'm not killing myself, okay? That's... that's really all I can manage right now."
Maybe... maybe you'll turn to rage in the hopes of displacing some of the immense sadness that threatens to coat your insides with permanent gloom. Maybe you'll just go around killing any and all infected you come across. Would you like that, Joel? Then something GOOD would come out of your death, because I'd be potentially saving--
A delayed jolt of pain hits you when you realize you thought the words 'your death', and that those words applied to Joel. Joel... is dead. JOEL IS DEAD. How can you even... think anything right now?
The tears return... the sobs... you surrender to them, laying there in the mud like the wretch that you are. ...What am I even doing up here? I need to be with Joel! I need to find a way down there! Not jumping, no... and the rope won't go anywhere near far enough... you're going to have to figure out how to hike your ass down to the bottom. "I'm coming, Joel!" you shout over the cliff's edge. Like he can fucking hear you or something. "I'm coming! Sorry it took so long... for me to get started... but I'll get there! I promise!"
You don't know what to do about the horses... but you can't worry about them right now. As for Danny? Pfffff. Fuck Danny. He can find his own way home, or not. You don't give a shit. You don't want to see anyone from Jackson ever again. Right now, all you care about is getting to Joel. You can't leave him alone! You know he wouldn't leave you alone down there.
"Joel doesn't mind being alone. That's YOUR thing."
...Where did that come from? It's... not a lie, but it's not along the same lines as the other bullshit being vesseled through other people in your mind.
"Joel wouldn't want YOU to be alone. Nor would he want you to turn yourself into some kind of hate machine, doing nothing but killing other people -- even if they ARE infected. He'd want more for you."
-There, that's more like it. And while it's true that Joel may want different things for you, better things... the idea that you can achieve what he wants for you is utter HORSESHIT.
You've had enough of this. Trying to work your way down the cliffside is good for you... it's a very physical thing, requiring a different sort of concentration. Different thought patterns or something... other regions of your brain. Your mind is having a very hard time processing this immeasurable loss, which is probably why you latched on to the idea of finding a way down to Joel. (...not that you even realize this yet, but it may be true?)
You're in the very early stages of grief right now. Any thoughts you've just had about your future... those might change tomorrow. Or an hour from now. Or who the fuck knows when. No doubt you're about to experience more pain than you ever imagined possible. More despair... rage... helplessness... bewilderment... misery such as you've never known in your young life. Possibly the most you'll ever have to contend with.
But you're going to make it. And although you don't believe it now, because you can't even fathom it -- you are going to smile again... laugh again... and yes, even feel happy again. And you don't have to forget Joel to do it. After all, Joel never forgot about Sarah, did he?
"You're gonna be okay, kiddo."
...Shit. That one unmistakably came from Joel.
Naturally, you don't believe it... but someday, you'll find out he's right.
If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.
Carlos
Date: 2020-11-30 04:34 am (UTC)