CYOA Page 201
Sep. 11th, 2013 03:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12...and then Joel is nudging you, whispering to you to wake up. You wipe away the drool with the back of your hand (and whoops... you totally drooled on his shirt, too) and look around, feeling a little disoriented. You remember now... the hospital... it's much brighter than it was before. You squint up at the harsh fluorescent lights. "They went an' flipped the breakers for this floor," Joel explains.
Dr. Johnson is standing in front of that hallway she disappeared through before. "Where's the baby?" you ask her, your stomach lurching painfully because what if--
"She's sleeping. I thought you might like to see her."
"Fuck yeah we wanna see her." You're so relieved! You hop to your feet, totally awake now. "How long was I asleep?" you ask Joel.
"Not long."
You hate when he gives vague answers like that. How long is 'not long,' anyway? Ten minutes? An hour? But if Ellie's sleeping, she must be okay... right? "Is she okay?" you ask the doctor. "Did she eat?"
"Yes and yes -- although she wasn't thrilled with the bottle, she did take to it eventually." She starts down the hallway. You walk beside her, with Joel not far behind; the doctor looks between you and Joel as she continues. "She's five pounds, eleven ounces... nineteen inches long. She may have weighed slightly more at birth, but this is as close to birth stats as you're gonna get."
You understand why her weight is important, as that can be an indicator of health, but why the fuck would you need to know how long she is? "Uh... is that good? Why do you think she lost weight?"
"Well... as I said before, I'm no expert, but I do know it's not uncommon for babies to lose a little weight in the first week. She's also pretty dehydrated. We're fixing that intravenously. It's a good thing you got her here when you did."
"Intravenously? You mean like... you stuck a tube in her?" Yeah, that's what they do in hospitals... duh...
"Yes. It's not hurting her -- she went to sleep afterward. ...right over here..."
There she is! In one of those little glass cages that movie hospitals put babies in--
"The incubator isn't actually working, but it was a safe place to lay her down... and she doesn't need it. I have someone looking for a bassinet you can use. Those... tend to wander out of here." She smiles... but then gives you an appraising look. "You can touch her through those holes there, but I would suggest you at least wash your hands first."
"We don' need to touch her," says Joel, laying a hand on your shoulder. "Looks like she's sleepin' pretty good."
You wonder how she can sleep with a tube sticking out of her hand, but it doesn't seem to be bothering her... she does look peaceful. And so clean! She's wearing a sweet little cap with pink and blue stripes on it, and a soft-looking pink blanket.
"Other than the dehydration, she's pretty healthy," the doctor continues. "Strong heartbeat, lungs are clear..."
"Awesome. Can we keep her here for a few days... to make sure?" you ask.
"Ellie..." It's Joel's warning tone.
"What? We're not in a hurry." You look at the doctor. "We can take care of her, you wouldn't have to do anything... we just need milk, I guess. And bottles. And diapers... toilet paper or something to wipe with? Oh -- and do you have any baby clothes?"
Joel snorts, much to your annoyance.
But the doctor smiles. "I have someone looking for clothes, too, but I don't think we do. Sorry. And yes, we can look after her here as long as necessary. You two... have been through quite an ordeal yourselves. You need time to rest... to recuperate."
"We're fine," you tell her. Do we really look that bad? Then you remember that you supposedly just lost your mom, and that might be what she's referring to. "So... no one else is on this floor? You don't use it?"
"Not typically, no. We could move her downstairs, but for now... I think it's probably best to keep her away from all the commotion... the less germs she's exposed to right now, the better. Obviously, she wasn't in a sterile environment before, but... anything we can do to help her get her best start in life, the better. And I did give her the heppy shot."
"The what? You gave her a shot?" You look at Joel, but he doesn't seem outraged by this. "Without asking us? She's too little! What if it--"
"Ellie -- calm down," Joel cuts in -- and he's far too amused for your liking. "It's routine. An' she did ask me."
"She did? When?"
"While you were sleepin'."
"Really? I didn't hear you talking." You look at him suspiciously.
"Because you were sleepin'," Joel repeats. "We were real quiet-like."
"Huh... what kind of shot was it? Heppee? What is that?"
"A HepB vaccine," Joel corrects you. "First dose is s'posed to be given at birth."
You know vaccines are one of the things Jackson trades for, to stock the clinic... that kids back home do get shots... you just hate needles, and it feels like Ellie is way too little to be getting jabbed with one. But if Joel says it's okay, you shouldn't worry. As far as where to keep her in the hospital... you know Joel doesn't have a problem being isolated from others, and you think you'll feel safer too, with less strangers around. But... "Okay, so... now that Ellie's here, there will be someone up here at all times?" you ask the doctor. "To keep an eye on her?"
"At all times? No. But we'll check on her often."
"How often is 'often'?"
"Oh, I don't know... every half hour?"
You think about that a moment. "So if we weren't here, she'd be all alone... if someone checks on her, and she's sleeping so they just leave, and she wakes up two minutes later, crying and expecting someone to come feed her, or... that's a long time, isn't it? And what if there's some emergency and you can't come, or like... no offense, but what if you forget or lose track of time or something, so it's actually longer than that?" You look pointedly at Joel, but as far as you can tell, he doesn't seem to realize the real reason you're asking all this.
The doctor takes all your questions in stride. "I'll have to discuss it with the staff. If you're going to be away for any length of time, perhaps we could check more frequently."
Joel chuckles. "Ellie, she's still figurin' this out. Same as us. ...Doctor, if we can move her into one of the rooms on this floor... that way, we ain't in your hair, an' you don't have to go out of your way to check on her or take care of her. If we have any concerns, we can go downstairs for help."
Dr. Johnson nods. "If that's what you'd like to do, I don't see a problem with it. Everything you'll need is right over here..."
You pay close attention to everything she says, everything she shows you. You're pleased to note that Joel is doing the same. She says if one of you will come get her when Ellie wakes up, she'll remove the IV and help you feed her, and in the meantime, you can pick out a room down the hall.
You wait until the doctor leaves to ask Joel what you're really dying to know. "Why didn't you tell her the baby's not yours? I thought you wanted to 'fess up."
Joel takes a seat in one of several chairs along the wall in the incubator room, and motions for you to do the same. "You didn't wanna do that, before."
"Yeah, but you did." You sit in the chair next to his.
"Thought we could at least discuss it first. I ain't sold on the idea of tellin' the truth... depends on how much they like to talk downstairs, I reckon. If we find Danny an' he don' know about any of it, we could ask him to go along with it. Just... I ain't sure that's necessary, even if we do want to take her back to Jackson."
"...What do you mean 'if'? You want to leave her here? She's not going to get a lot of attention. That doctor..."
"What's wrong with the doctor?"
"Well... I guess she's okay... I just don't really see her like... snuggling Ellie. Do you? Walking her around... hanging out with her. She'll feed her and change her diaper and make sure she hasn't kicked off her blanket or whatever, but if there's nothing wrong, then she'll just leave her alone, even if she's crying."
"You don' know that. But even if she did... what do you want from her? I assume she's busy takin' care of other patients. At least here, they're... equipped to take care of a baby. Better equipped than we are."
"The milk is powdered. They could send us home with some of that, right? And I know there's moms with babies at home -- they could share their milk. They have this pump that can suck it out of them. And there's diapers at home -- cloth ones, not like the good ones they have here... but maybe we can take some of those home, too, and -- did you even know they had this disposable kind here? If they can get good diapers like that, why can't we make that part of the trade deal? But, whatever -- they can make more at home if there's not enough. I'm sure someone has a crib. You could probably even make one, right? And anything else that--"
"Ellie, stop." Joel gives you a measured look. "I think the real problem is... you're gettin' pretty attached to this baby."
"All the more reason to take her home," you point out. "You're attached, too. I see the way you look at her."
"Not the same way you are. I'm... well aware that she ain't ours."
"Don't you think I know that?" you scoff.
"No. I don't. I think you want to keep her. You're sixteen--"
"I don't want to keep her, I just want her to have a good home! I promised Avery. I know I'm not her mother... I'd suck at it." ...Please tell me I WOULDN'T suck...
Joel seems surprised by this declaration. "Why do you say that?"
"Cuz... I dunno... I never had a mom? So I don't know how to be one." Yet you still want Joel to tell you that you wouldn't suck at it...
"You're only sixteen. It's a lot of responsibility. But... for what it's worth, I think you'd be great."
"You do?" You blush happily.
"I do. No one knows how to be a mother... until they become one. Watchin' you with this baby... you're patient, an' kind... always thinkin' about what she needs... puttin' her needs before yours... grillin' the doctor about everythin' under the sun... an' you ain't even her mom, but you're doin' all this anyway."
Wow... you never have taken compliments very well. You duck your head, embarrassed. "Well... I care about her, you know? And you've been helping a lot, too." I think Joel cares more about her than he'll admit! You look up. "So you want us to keep her?"
"Whoa -- no, I didn't say that," Joel's clarifies immediately. "I think she should go to a nice home... with two parents, preferably. A couple that wants kids. That would be best for her, don't you think?"
You weren't really thinking about keeping her, before. You know he's right. But... he did just say that you'd be a good mom. And you already know Joel is a great dad. So why shouldn't you keep her? True, you're not 'a couple that wants kids,' but you'd be two loving parents, so does it matter?
"Avery didn't ask you to take her yourself," Joel reminds you. "You told me she asked you to find her a good home."
Damn... I should've lied about that! Except Joel would probably see through it. Or he'd say Avery must not have realized you're only sixteen, or she was delirious or something. You sigh. "The real thing is... you don't want her. ...Right?" ...Please tell me I'm wrong... you DO want her...
He doesn't answer.
That's enough of an answer in itself; you know you're right.
* * * * * * *
The next couple of days have a dream-like quality to them. It feels like you've stepped into someone else's life or something. You and Joel are staying in a maternity room, with an extra bed rolled in, and Ellie in a bassinet. All of your shit is stowed in there with you, piled in two corners of the room. Saddles and all. (The guard apparently didn't hassle Joel when he went downstairs to take care of the horses and retrieve the rest of your stuff, either.) You eat food from the cafeteria on the second floor. You visited it once, just to see it, but normally you let Joel go and bring stuff back. One of you stays with the baby at all times; you and Joel are of the same mind on that (you expected him to tease you when you brought up the possibility of someone kidnapping her, but nope -- you could tell the thought had crossed his mind, too!).
You've learned lots of interesting baby things from the book Avery had with her stuff (and now you know what else besides pupils can get dilated!). Of course, the book is really old, which annoys you at times. Your irritation only amuses Joel: "What were you expectin' -- How To Raise A Kid In Post-Pandemic Times?" -Yes, that would be nice! The book assumes that parents can just go out and buy anything they want. That they have all kinds of options when it comes to bottles, clothing, cribs, tubs, toys, videos... all kinds of shit. And entire sections devoted to selecting daycare... doctors... classes (for the parents)... not helpful! Although it does make for fascinating reading; you've always enjoyed learning about Joel's time (ancient history). And you're mostly just reading the thing to pass the quiet hours when Ellie is sleeping, so what do you care how useful it is?
Everyone knows the truth now. You reluctantly agreed to that, after Joel assured you that if the hospital didn't offer any satisfactory permanent solution, you would take her to Jackson -- and if the hospital opposed the idea, he just wouldn't give them a choice. (...You don't even want to know exactly what he meant by that.) Anyway, you can think of at least three households back home that would probably fight over who gets to adopt her.
You did find Danny here... on an extended visit because his mom isn't expected to make it, sadly. However, they had told him 'any day now' when he arrived, and now, nearly a month later, she's still here. You wonder if she's hanging on for something, like Avery was... it's like somehow Avery knew just how long she had to live in order for the baby to make it. You'll never know how much longer Ellie would have lasted without sustenance, but Dr. Johnson made it sound like you got her here just in time... and you like to think of it that way. It's weird... you and Joel have gone days without food before (on your trip two years ago), with very little water, and you suffered no ill effects. You had no idea a baby could dehydrate to a dangerous level so quickly. Joel says the good thing about bottle-feeding is that you can see how much she's drinking. He thinks she may not have been getting enough from Avery. You're definitely finding more 'output' on the other end now, so you think he might be right. Anyway, you've had some good conversations with Danny, picking his brain over how he's raised his kids ~in a post-pandemic world~ -- and he even offered to help you take the baby home if you're willing to wait until he's ready to go (to which Joel said "we'll see").
Baby Ellie has had quite a few visitors, both staff and patients, the past couple days. You and Joel always make people wash their hands if they want to hold her or even get close to her. Everyone gushes about how beautiful she is, and you feel proud -- as if you made her yourself. Not everyone has heard your story, though: one woman actually said she looks like Joel. Ha! Maybe the black hair... possibly the shape of her eyes...
According to the book, she's too young to do any legit smiling, so you don't take it personally that she shows zero emotion most of the time (and what she does show is the negative kind). You know she likes you because there are times when you pick her up and she stops crying, or you put her down and she starts crying. You do suspect she prefers that Joel be the one to burp her, though. And one time, you came back from a trip downstairs to find Joel singing her a lullaby. It was the most adorable fucking thing ever!
No doubt about it: Ellie is only four days old, and you're already hopelessly in love with her. You haven't dared to ask Joel if he's changed his mind and would be willing to raise her. You've even entertained a stray thought or two about doing it on your own, either staying at the hospital (perhaps doing something there to 'earn your keep'), or moving to your own place at home... but you immediately dismiss such notions because yes, you love her, but you can't live without Joel. That rules out the hospital option, assuming he'd go home, but you could possibly live in separate houses in Jackson and still see him a lot... you just don't like that idea. You're not sure you could do it. You'd want to see him all the time, but you'd have the baby, so Joel would probably feel like you're trying to force him to do something he doesn't want to do: be her father.
Anyway, you're not sure that would be the best thing anyway. Why shouldn't she go live in a nice home with loving parents? Maybe parents who would consider her a miracle. People who want children but can't have them, maybe because they're too old... or they're gay... or they've been trying to have a baby and suffering miscarriages instead... you think Avery would like that, if her baby got to be someone's miracle child. Plenty of people have asked you and Joel what you're going to do. Sometimes you simply say you're not sure, or you're still thinking about it... other times, you discuss it with the person (well, you do. Joel always keeps his thoughts to himself). So far, only one person has been adamantly opposed to the idea of you taking her back to Jackson -- one of the other doctors. He thinks it's too long of a trip for a newborn, that it's far too dangerous out there, that it's too risky carrying her on a horse -- and that, basically, shit happens (even if he doesn't quite phrase it that way). It's hard to argue with that, really. At the hospital, she'll be in good hands, with all of her needs met, and doctors right there to treat her if she gets sick. Which sounds nice, if a bit clinical... but will she be loved? He says yes. That everyone will love her. And you can't argue with that, either, after seeing how she's been received so far. He also says they can start 'putting out feelers' to find a permanent home for her. Whether it be someone at the hospital who wants her, or someone they know nearby, or someone in a QZ close to the railroad.
Joel seems to be leaning toward this option... but you think he might be using it as an excuse to distance himself. It would be convenient to leave her here, after all -- and how can you feel guilty about leaving her in a safe place? Joel says she's too little to feel like you're abandoning her.
But he's willing to let you make the final call. He just wants you to do it now, because he seems to think you've done enough 'playing house' and it's time to get going (no waiting around for Danny). There's no medical reason to keep Ellie at the hospital any longer.
[Now that this part has taken sooooo long that you've forgotten this is a CYOA story...]
If you decide to leave Ellie in the care of the hospital staff, turn to page 204.
If you decide to take her back to Jackson, turn to page 206.
Carlos
Date: 2020-06-23 01:26 pm (UTC)Re: Carlos
Date: 2020-06-23 01:47 pm (UTC)