CYOA Page 204
Sep. 11th, 2013 02:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12You've been through some hard shit before. Lots of heartache and loss... and tough situations that work out okay in the end but are really difficult to live through... try as you might, you can't think of any time where it was your choice that led you there. It was people leaving or dying, or you fucking something up (not on purpose), or shit that was just completely out of your control to begin with -- some of it was out of anyone's control.
But this? You know it's going to hurt like hell, yet you're bringing it on yourself anyway.
You make Joel be the one to go tell them, though. It will be easier for him. In fact, he'll probably want to sing it from the rooftops, as they say...
No, don't blame him for this -- he left the choice up to you, you remind yourself.
You sit in the rocking chair someone had brought to your room, just holding the baby, trying not to cry as you memorize her sweet little face. Her eyes are blue, but Joel says that could change later. You won't know if it does. Well, who cares about eye color? Is it important? No. You have to keep reminding yourself not to dwell on stupid shit. She's looking at you through her thick black lashes... but she can't really see you that well yet. She doesn't make eye contact. Doesn't smile. -Doesn't CARE. She just wants to be fed and changed and held right now, and anyone can do that. Doesn't have to be me.
Joel returns to the room. "You ready to go?"
"No."
You don't look at him, but you feel him watching you. "I'm gonna load up all our shit... an' I told them we'd bring her stuff downstairs, when we were ready. ...so I'll give you a few more minutes, all right?"
You nod dumbly.
But you're no closer to being ready when he returns the second time. Nor when he singlehandedly moves all the baby stuff (except your chair... they can fucking come get it themselves if they want to, as far as you're concerned).
You're snuggling her on your shoulder, rubbing her back, when he returns the second time. "C'mon, kiddo. It ain't gonna get any easier."
He's right, of course. You reluctantly get up, kiss her forehead, and thrust her at Joel. "Take her. I can't do it. Just go. -Take the elevator, and I'll take the stairs and meet you out by the horses, okay?"
Joel shifts her up to his shoulder. "That's fine. Don't you wanna say goodbye to all the--"
"Just tell them all I said bye, okay? I... can't deal with any of them right now. I don't want to hear them say I'm doing the right thing, or how it's going to be fine, or any of that shit. Please?"
"All right. Let's go."
You follow him until you reach the point where he goes one way to the elevator and you need to go the other, to the stairwell. You stand there and watch them wait for the elevator, a safe distance back. You're close enough that you can see her eyes are closed... and Joel's hand practically covers her whole back. You've seen her fall asleep in that position before. Probably because he's nice and warm. And his voice soothes her.
He would be such a good daddy to her... uuugggghhhh!
You were going to watch them get in the elevator, but you dart towards the stairs instead, racing down as fast as you can. You want to run outside, but you also don't want to alarm anyone down there... it's just the guard, thankfully. He knows you're leaving because he saw Joel come out and load up the horses (you're leaving Avery's horse there for the hospital... a more-than-adequate payment for their services, you feel. Plus, they get to keep the fucking baby. Neither of those was really yours to give, technically, but still). He calls out to you, saying goodbye, and you toss an overly-cheerful goodbye back at him before starting to lead your horses away. Just a little too far away for him to talk to you.
You're waiting on your horse, ready to take off the moment Joel comes out of the hospital. You can't help it -- you know you're going to hate yourself for it in a minute, but you can't help it -- you fantasize about Joel walking out of there with the baby in his arms: "I couldn't do it, Ellie. I just couldn't leave her. We're taking her home with us."
And now that you've had this fantasy, you also can't help feeling disappointed when Joel strolls out of there empty-handed. He doesn't say anything. Just gets on his horse and starts riding off like everything's normal. You don't know if it's out of respect for you not wanting to talk right now, or because it's just his way... but maybe it's because he's a little rattled by this whole thing himself. You'd like to believe he is. That it wasn't so easy for him to walk out of her life.
You don't even broach the subject until dinner (yummy cafeteria stew that was gifted to you... and you're not even hungry for it now). You tell Joel you don't want any dinner, and he says tough shit, you're going to eat it anyway, just like he is. ...Which you take to mean maybe he's not hungry, either? You feel a little like a whiny spoiled brat, because you have a thing about not wasting food...
So you make yourself eat it. Quietly. You're about halfway through when you finally decide you feel like talking. "I miss her already."
Joel just keeps eating.
"What do you think she's doing right now?"
He doesn't answer right away, and you wonder if he's going to give you the silent treatment on all things Ellie, but then you realize he's just finishing his mouthful. "Well, I reckon she's either sleepin', eatin', or shittin'. Take your pick."
You smile in spite of yourself. "I bet she's sleeping. She prob'ly had to eat like an hour or two ago. ...We did the right thing, right?"
"Yes. Of course. Don't doubt that for a second."
You snort. "Easy for you to say. How can I not doubt it? We don't know what's going to happen to her."
"We left her with good people. In a safe place."
"Is it really that safe, though? Seems like the kind of place hunters would like to rob... and if a swarm of infected come along, is that one guard gonna be enough?"
"They've got more than just that one guard."
"Really? You saw more?" Joel did see a lot more of the hospital than you did... but would he bullshit you on this for peace of mind?
"Not other guards, but they've got more weapons in that place. An' as you saw, some of the staff were armed. Plus, that guard had an assault rifle. That'll do some serious damage, real quick."
"Okay... but he's not there 24/7."
"Not standin' guard constantly, but they lock the place up pretty good at night."
"...They do? How do you know?"
"I checked. First night we were there."
Of course he did. Okay, he's probably not bullshitting about that, at least... "What about, like... I dunno... if some not-so-good person just... decides to take her and sell her somewhere? Or just... maybe they like hurting babies or something..." You don't know why anyone would, but you know there are some real assholes in this world.
"They won't let anyone do that."
"But you don't know that. We're not there. They're not going to have someone with her all the time. Someone could just... grab her."
"Then that guard'll blow their head off. There's only that one entrance that ain't barricaded off."
Yeah, you don't really see that guy being cool with someone kidnapping the baby right in front of him. He was decent. "She's so little, though. Maybe someone would smuggle her out, so he wouldn't know."
"Ellie wouldn't let that happen. She'd scream 'til someone heard her."
"Not if she's sleeping."
"They stuff her in a bag or somethin'? If she's uncomfortable, she'll wake up an' let 'em know."
You suppose she would. "Okay... what if the doctors give her to parents who... aren't good? That don't love her?"
"Why would they do that?"
"On accident. Maybe the people seem okay..."
"They won't. That one girl, what's her name... the one with the teeth..."
"Kimberly." You liked her. She was going to knit Ellie a dress.
"Yes -- she promised they wouldn't just hand her off to anyone. That they'd do like a... a trial run first, have 'em stay at the hospital for a while to observe 'em..."
"She did? When did she do that?" you ask; this one is tripping your bullshit meter.
"When we left. You were already outside. I also let them know if they don't find anyone who wants to adopt her, they can send her to Jackson with the next wagon. Tommy said we'd be doin' one more supply run before winter."
He's got an answer for everything. Nothing has ever happened on a supply run, that you've heard of. Well, maybe some issues will arise, like an axel breaking or something, but no one's died or disappeared -- that only happens with the smaller groups or 'solo missions'. Safety in numbers. "Okay. But..."
"We did the right thing, Ellie. Quit worryin'. It's too dangerous out here for a baby."
You're quiet for a little while, finishing your stew... then you decide to ask something you've always wanted to know. "Joel... why did you change your mind? About me?"
"What do you mean?" He sets his empty bowl down and leans back on his hands, looking at you.
"The day we left the dam, on our trip. When you asked Tommy to take me."
He picks the bowl up again and fiddles with it... as if you don't already know he's done eating. "That was different."
"I mean... yeah, but not totally. You were done with me, then suddenly you weren't."
"That's got nothin' to do with--"
"Can you just answer me?" you insist. "What made you change your mind?"
He actually brings the spoon up to his mouth, as if there's stuff on it. Like you don't already know there's nothing left in the bowl! It's kind of adorable, really. You actually scoot over to him, take the bowl away, and set it down. "Please, Joel? I really wanna know."
He looks at you and sighs. "You're a lot older than that baby. It ain't the same thing as--"
"Forget about the baby. Don't compare the two situations. Just go back to that moment you changed your mind and tell me why."
"...Because I care about you. You know that."
You do know that -- and you know he cared long before he could actually say the words. "Yes -- but you didn't suddenly start caring in that instant. You cared before, and you still decided to... leave." You chose the kindest word you can think of for it. "So what specifically made you change your mind?"
You might be pushing him a bit here... he might decide the 'caring' answer is enough and shut this down now. But you've always wondered, and you're so much closer now than you were two years ago that you feel like he might give you an honest answer. ...if he even KNOWS the answer himself? Sometimes you kind of have to guess how he feels based on things he says and does... and it's not necessarily because he won't tell you otherwise -- it's because he can't.
But he is trying to answer you! "I guess I... the thing that got me, in the end? Was the thought of goin' back to Boston... by myself... -I was all right with not seein' you again. I mean, I knew it would hurt like hell, but I could handle it. It was the... not knowin' what would happen to you, that got me. An' not just the not-knowin'... it's the wonderin' about it -- thinkin' that maybe things might turn out different -- better -- if I was with you. It was an ego thing, I s'pose, 'cause I knew Tommy was perfectly capable, but..."
"But maybe not as good as you," you finish for him, your voice barely above a whisper as you've suddenly found your throat clenching up.
"Yeah. Somethin' like that."
"And you were right. It was meant to be you that--" You have to stop there or you're going to lose it.
"Lookin' back on it, it looks that way. But we don' know."
"You're just saying that," you whisper. "We shouldn't've left her!"
Joel pulls you close, and you lean into him so you can hide your tears in his shirt. He side-hugs you, rubbing your arm soothingly. "Hey. Don't you remember what happened after we left Jackson County?"
"No," you mumble just to be contrary.
"Sure you do. I got my ass handed to me. I was out of it for a long time... you had to do all the heavy liftin'. So much for Tommy not bein' as good as me."
"I didn't really lift you. I made the horse drag you."
He chuckles. "Figure of speech."
"And maybe... maybe if it was Tommy fighting that hunter, he would've died. But you didn't!" You like to believe all that shit happened as the universe's way of binding Joel to you for life. He hasn't threatened to leave you since then -- not one single time. Even when you fuck something up or piss him off.
"Maybe Tommy would've been smarter about the whole thing an' not engaged in the first place."
"Uh... how? They came after us. Anyway, we'll never know what would've happened. ...Joel, I don't know if I can stand it. I think we made a mistake."
"Don't think of it that way. It was very unselfish, leavin' her where she'll be safe an' comfortable instead of draggin' her with us, puttin' her in danger an' makin' her miserable."
...What? "We wouldn't be making her miserable. She loves us!"
"She was pretty miserable when she was gettin' rained on, as I recall."
"Well, that was my fault, and I'd do better next time." You're not exactly sure how, but you know you would. You feel like you've gained a shitload of baby-care experience in the past few days.
"It gets cold out here at night... she'd be bouncin' on that horse the whole time..."
"She liked that! It rocked her to sleep, remember? And we wouldn't have let her get cold. She could sleep with you -- you'd keep her as warm as this fire."
"An' then I'd roll over an' accidentally smother her."
"Shut up, no you wouldn't!" That actually makes you laugh. Joel isn't a heavy sleeper, to say the least; you know he would wake the fuck up in a hurry the second he did anything that might end up hurting her.
"What if she cries when we're tryin' to sneak by infected, or hide from hunters?"
"Then... we'd protect her. We would die before we'd let anything happen to her. Don't tell me you wouldn't."
"Maybe. But maybe I don't wanna have to die, hmm?" Joel squeezes you. "What about when the horses act up? I almost got thrown off on the way up here when mine got spooked, remember?"
"No you didn't. You were fine." He's totally exaggerating.
"Well, maybe I wouldn't be if I was jugglin' a baby on top of everythin' else. She'd break her neck."
"Again -- we would never let that happen."
"Ellie..." Joel shifts a little and tilts your chin up. "You're clearly havin' second thoughts. I say we did the right thing, but... we're only a few hours away. If you wanna go back--"
"No," you say automatically. Because that's crazy. "I'm just being..." ...weak? Stupid? Insane? ...but... really, Joel? That's an option? "...would you really do that for me?"
"If that's what you want to do? Absolutely."
"But I already decided. And you agreed with the decision." It occurs to you that maybe he would support you no matter what you decided -- that if the situation was reversed and you were having second thoughts about bringing her with you, he might be suggesting that you take her back right now.
"Yes, but that don' make it irreversible."
Uugghh! Does that mean that you're never going to be done wrestling with this? If the other option is always there...
"I can't think of it like that. It's done. I decided. I can't keep... thinking that I can change my mind."
Joel nods. "I get where you're comin' from. This is it, then -- you either change your mind tonight, or you don't. No do-overs after this. After we leave in the mornin'... whatever direction we go is final."
If you decide to turn around, turn to page 210.
If not, continue reading below.
You take the night to think about it some more. You sleep on it... and in the morning, you still feel like you did the right thing the first time. You were just being selfish, reacting to that... hollow feeling inside. You miss her. That doesn't make it right for you to pull her from safety, to ease your pain. She's not suffering.
Joel seems pleased that you didn't change your mind. Good -- because you were also sort of worried that he wanted to go back and just wouldn't admit it. You're pretty sure now that he only gave you that option for your benefit. How did he put it before... "putting her needs before your own" -- that's what Joel was doing for you.
You can't help feeling a twinge of regret as you start the day's journey... away from little Ellie. "Joel... can we go on that supplies trip next time? When is it?"
"He didn't say when. Just... before the weather gets nasty."
"So like... two or three months?"
"Prob'ly."
"Do you think she'll still be at the hospital?"
"She might be. Someone there might want to adopt her. Some of 'em were pretty smitten."
"So we could visit her! Or if she's not there, they could at least tell us about the people who adopted her."
"Right. But by then, maybe you'll have forgotten all about it."
"What? No way!" Maybe that's what Joel plans on doing...
"We only had her a few days. Once you get back in the swing of things at home--"
"I'll never forget her. Never."
"All right then," Joel says lightly.
...He doesn't believe me! Whatever. I'll prove him wrong. "I hope we run into like a hundred infected now."
"What?" Joel chuckles. "Why? I sure as hell don't."
"Because then I'll one hundred percent know that we did the right thing."
"We did. You don' need infected to prove it to you."
Maybe not. But it would still make you feel better. Or maybe I wouldn't feel anything at all, because I'd be dead?
You do believe Joel when he says you're going to be okay... that you'll get over it. You can get over anything, as long as you're with him. And you can take comfort in knowing that if it wasn't for the two of you, that baby would've died shortly after she was born. You were the vessel that transported her to her new life. She won't remember it, but when she's old enough to understand, she'll know why she was named after you.
Except you may not know if her name gets changed... or if the story even gets passed down.
In that case... well, since you may never know, it won't hurt to just believe it anyway, right? And it doesn't change the fact that it happened. You saved a little girl's life. Nothing can change that. And nothing can take away your memories. Joel may choose to forget, but that doesn't mean you have to. They might be painful right now, but in time, you know they'll warm your heart and make you smile.
If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.
Carlos
Date: 2020-07-01 01:24 pm (UTC)RE: Carlos
Date: 2020-07-01 02:27 pm (UTC)