CYOA Page 240
Sep. 10th, 2013 08:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12"I'm thinkin'... about how much I wanna hold you right now."
...
... ...!
Well, that wasn't what you were expecting to hear. ...but it doesn't change anything. Don't get your hopes up, Ellie! You exhale. "That's weird."
"Is it?"
"Yeah."
"...What's so weird about it?"
If there wasn't so much pain in the air right now, you'd probably laugh: of course Joel doesn't know how to break up with you. Talking isn't his thing. You sigh. "Am I gonna have to do this for you?"
"Do what for me?"
"This!"
"What's 'this'?"
"You know."
"I don't. Enlighten me."
"Fine. This is... you breaking up with me. Breaking my heart. Dumping me. Ditching me. Un-loving me. Telling me to fuck off, basically." You're surprised at how not-weepy your voice is; the words aren't easy to say, even though you've been thinking them for... however long you've been up here. "See, you're not supposed to hold me when you do it. That's like... I mean, your words and your actions need to line up. You can start by saying 'I don't want to hurt you, Ellie.' ...assuming that's true. If it's not, then don't bother saying it. Next, you can dive right into the list of all the things I did wrong. And... you should probably tell me that you hope all this has been a good learning experience for me. So I can do better next time." You stop yourself from adding "even though there won't BE a next time"... because as it turns out, you do have some pride.
He hasn't interrupted you, so... does that mean you're right? You'd better pause and give him a chance to say "What? No no no, you've got this all wrong, baby girl!" You bite your lip... because oh GOD you want him to say that so fucking badly! And... he's not.
He does finally speak, though! "Is that what you've been doin' in here all this time? Thinkin' up words to put in my mouth?"
Well... yeah, except for the part where I cried my eyes out... you can't even breathe comfortably since your nose is all stuffed up now. "I'm better at it than you are," you tell him coolly.
"Yes. Yes, you are."
...Does he sound AMUSED? That... might be a good sign. A new hope flares inside you: maybe I can change his mind! Groveling didn't work; it only drove him further away. Of course -- because he likes it when I'm funny, and happy... maybe he's already thinking about how much he's going to miss me! Okay, Ellie, you have to play this right... You uncurl yourself and sit up like a normal person. "Glad we agree on that. So, you tell me that stuff, and now... you're probably thinking I'm going to cry. And you hate seeing me cry. I get it -- crying is the worst. I hate seeing people cry, too. I never know what I'm supposed to do... what they want me to do. And... you're a guy, so I imagine that icky feeling is like... multiplied by ten. You never cry, so naturally, it's hard for you to imagine why other people would. Like, suck it up already, right? Well, you're in luck -- we can skip right over that part."
"We can?"
"Yeah. Waste of time. Here's the part where I get stuck, though: do we finish the mission? Do we go home? Does one of us finish it and the other go home? The last one prob'ly makes the most sense."
"Why's that?"
...Duh! Even Joel isn't this dense! But, apparently he is, and you don't want to make him feel stupid when you're trying to get him to want to stay with you because you make him feel good. That would be pretty fucking counterintuitive. "Because when you break up with someone, you don't wanna be around them anymore. And that's the only option where we're... not together."
"I see. Well, we ain't doin' that one, then."
You try not to sound too excited. "No? But I just told you why that's the one that makes the most sense."
"You know I can't leave you out here by yourself."
Oh. Right. "Well, you could... I'm not helpless, you know. And... well, frankly, it's not your problem anymore."
"What's not?"
"My... well-being. My safety."
"That's always gonna be my... problem, as you put it. Whether we're together or not."
Your heart does a little flip-flop. "It is?" ...Great, now I'M doing the question thing...
"Mmhmm."
"Well... that's weird, too."
"What's weird about it?"
"Cuz... when you stop loving someone, you stop caring what happens to them. ...right? I mean... I assume that's how it works..."
"Mm. You might be right."
...Is he fucking with me? You're still very much getting a I'm-just-fucking-with-you vibe here. "So... that's why it's not your problem anymore," you prompt him. Or quasi-prompt him...
"There's one problem with your logic, though."
Okay, HERE we go... Joel wouldn't be this cruel, would he? "There is?" you ask hopefully.
"Yes. See, the thing is... I do love you. I'll never stop."
YES! "Oh," you say lamely. You wait... but he doesn't add to that. It occurs to you that he could be talking about platonic love... that he could be trying to say "I love you BUT NOT LIKE THAT." That would warrant a break-up. Can he just... separate the love so easily like that? Because you sure can't. It's all tangled up together. But... maybe he's having such an issue with the whole sex thing because he doesn't actually want it -- especially after the way you've just behaved? ...Can I live with him loving me but NOT LIKE THAT? That fucks up your plan to get back together with him after he dumps Jade -- after you've turned eighteen.
All of that swirls through your brain in like... three seconds. You swallow the lump in your throat so you can keep... helping Joel break up with you? "Okay, so... one of the first two options, then. So you can still keep an eye on me."
"Keep an eye on you... but I can't hold you?"
"No." Wait... does that mean he WANTS to? Don't assume that yet... You force a chuckle. "I mean... why would you want to?"
"Can I kiss you?"
"What? No!"
"Why not?"
"Because-- cuz you just can't! You can't just-- you don't break up with a person and keep on kissing them!" Everyone knows that -- he has to be fucking with you!
"Some people do, actually."
"...For real?"
"Yeah."
"Well, that's fucked up."
"I s'pose it is, kinda, yeah."
"Like... why even break up if you still wanna kiss the person?"
You can't see his face at all in the dark, but you can hear him smiling. He's going to say "that's a good point," and then...
"Sometimes... things are complicated," he says (instead of saying your line for him, which was way better, in your opinion).
...Ohhhhh RIGHT -- "Like us. We're complicated." That's one of Joel's favorite words to describe your relationship, actually. So, he's not saying we shouldn't break up... Now you're worried again.
"We definitely are, yes."
"The kind of complicated where you... still wanna kiss me and stuff? I mean... that's why you asked, right?"
"Yes."
"Okay. So... we still hug, we still kiss... you still love me..."
"Yes, yes, an' yes."
"So the only reason you wanna break up is... the sex thing? Is that the only thing that's different?" You don't let him answer that because you get it now! And it's awesome! "I can do that! I won't touch you, Joel, I promise. And I'll keep my clothes on all the time. I mean, except when I'm showering or dressing or something, but I'll do that behind closed doors. Doors that you're not also behind. With me. You won't have to worry about that at all. If you want, I'll still sleep in your bed -- I'll behave, I swear -- but if you don't, that's cool, too--" --you have to be willing to make some concessions... and besides, you can probably worm your way back in there easily enough before too long! -- "--whatever you want. Whatever you're comfortable with. I'll totally respect your wishes better. Okay? Is that... good? All of that? Or at least some of it?"
He laughs softly -- a real laugh (that's good!). "Ohhhhhh, Ellie. Why do you have to be so goddamn adorable?"
Ha! That's also good-- "I dunno...?"
"I don't wanna break up with you," he says... he says finally... and it's so not where you scripted it in your head that it almost doesn't register.
"What? You don't?" Your heart leaps into your throat...
"No."
...and it sinks back down again when you realize what he's really saying. These ups and downs are wearing you out! "Joel, I don't think you're trying to be an asshole here..."
"...but I'm bein' one?"
"Kinda, yeah. I mean... just now, when you said that, you made me think--" You cut yourself off. --That you still love me the same as before. That you're NOT actually breaking up with me. You can't say it out loud, for some reason.
"Made you think what?"
"I know what you're going to say."
"You do?"
"Yep."
"Damn, you know everythin' I'm gonna say before I say it. How do you do that?"
"And you're teasing me. That's kind of uncool, too. And you're just dragging this out so much-- okay, let me finish up for you. You don't want to break up with me, but you have to. For a bunch of stupid reasons. But... it's okay. Since it's just about not having sex, which we weren't even doing anyway. So we still kiss and cuddle and... everything is mostly the same as before. Right? So you're not breaking-breaking-- er... what's it called if you wanna stop the romantic stuff completely? Which you're not doing -- right? But what would it be called if we're already broken up... it's not 'breaking up'..."
"I think it's called... a clean break. Makin' a clean break."
"...So this is a dirty break?" You snicker. "That doesn't sound right either. Cuz the whole thing is we're not doing anything dirty." Shit -- am I still allowed to joke about it like that? You'd better get some clarification; you don't want to keep fucking up and inadvertently upsetting him, perhaps bringing on a 'clean break.' "Sorry -- is there a new rule about saying... stuff like that? Like sex? Or things that sound like sex?"
He chuckles. "You're bein' very... agreeable about all this."
"I really want this to work, Joel. Whatever you need from me... I can do it." And I hate it when you're mad at me, so...
"That's real sweet of you. Thank you."
"Of course. I love you. ...I am allowed to say that, right? Cuz you said it before. To me."
"You can say whatever you want, baby girl. There's no... allowed or not allowed..."
BABY GIRL! "...I'm still your baby girl?"
"Always." He clears his throat. "But if you would be so kind as to let me talk now. You seem dead set on makin' me break up with you. I--"
"I'm not! It's just--"
"I asked you to let me talk, please."
"Sorry. Go ahead."
"Thank you. Now, I know that... since we're complicated, the whole 'want' versus 'should' versus 'have to' shit... is confusin'. I shouldn't've told you I didn't wanna break up with you. To be more clear, I should've said somethin' like... 'I ain't gonna break up with you'. Or maybe... 'I didn't come up here to break up with you.' I don' know, which do you think sounds better? You're better at all this than me."
"You... didn't come up here to break up with me?"
"You like that one better? All right. If we can start this over now: Ellie, I didn't come up here to break up with you. What I really came up here for... was to say I'm sorry."
"You... really?!"
"Really."
"Then why didn't you just say that?"
"Well, I tried, but you yelled at me, so I stopped."
...That "Can I just say--"... ended with "I'm sorry"?!?! "I wouldn't have stopped you if I knew that!"
"You were clearly upset, so... I figured it could wait 'til you were ready to talk."
"But I was upset because I thought you were breaking up with me!"
"I realize that now. I reckon I could've handled it better. Sometimes I--"
This time you cut him off by hurling yourself into his arms (yes, you can totally do that from a sit-down position!) and kissing him hard. You can't kiss him for long though since you still sort of can't breathe through your nose, but that's okay. "You didn't even owe me an apology. I'm sorry," you say happily.
He squeezes you. "I overreacted. You apologized before... I should've just accepted it an' talked to you right then."
It feels so good to be in his lap, in his arms again! "It's okay -- I know you need time to cool off sometimes. I just jumped to the wrong conclusion. Because it sounded like you were saying... we shouldn't be together."
"Yeah... there's that confusin' should/want/can't thing again. We shouldn't be together, like that. Like this. It's wrong."
"Joel--"
"I know, you disagree. Part of me does, too. But the other part... takes over sometimes. When things like this happen, especially. I start thinkin' about... how I should be stronger, an' do the right thing. That it'll be better for you in the long run."
"No it won't!"
"Well, we don' know that... but it don' matter, 'cause I'm not stronger. It's too late. We are together. I didn't stop it when it first started--"
"Yes you did! Or you tried to..."
"An' I couldn't even do it then."
"Thank God!"
He sighs, but not like... in an exasperated way. "I still think sometimes that... it would be better for you to have a more... age-appropriate relationship, when you're old enough."
"Yeah, but then you think about some boy trying to fuck me, and how he won't love me -- or at least not as much as you love me, cuz you're capable of thinking with something besides your dick -- and you decide I'm actually better off with you anyway. Which is obviously the right decision." Yes, you two have talked about this before!
"Oh, obviously." He chuckles and kisses your forehead. "I do love you. An' the way you feel... the things you want... are normal. I just need to be more patient with--"
"No, I just need to listen when you say no. Really listen. Not keep trying to... to get what I want. Isn't that how you said teenage boys act?" Not the teenage boys that you know, but then, it's not like you're spending time alone with them in their bedrooms and stuff. That, and... well, you're pretty sure they're all scared shitless of Joel. "I'm always thinking with my dick."
"Ha -- you weren't just now. That was very mature, what you said."
"About my dick?!"
"Before that."
"Mmm... unless I was just saying it to get you to lower your guard..."
"Is that what you were doin'?"
"I love you, baby," you say in your best teenage-boy voice (which isn't very good). "You make me so hard, why won't you let me fuck you? I mean-- MAKE LOVE to you. Cuz I luuuuuv you..."
"Shit... am I snugglin' with a teenage boy? When did that happen?"
You giggle. "One way you can find out..."
"Don' need to -- that was definitely a girlish giggle."
"Aww... don't you wanna make sure?"
"I'm sure." He kisses you sweetly.
You're smiling so much that you're not kissing him back very well. "I'm soooo glad you're not breaking up with me. SO glad."
"Mm... me, too. Didn' mean to scare you like that."
"I just need to let you pick your own words from now on. Even if you suck at it. -Sometimes," you amend, just to be nice (and actually, he doesn't suck that bad... you're communicating well right now!). "And I'll go put my pants back on now." You start to get up...
...but he pulls you back down, just like you hoped he would. "You don't have to. Unless your legs are too cold." He runs his hand along one, as if checking. "Which... they are, I think..."
"No, I'm good. ...I'm great, actually. I am a-ma-zing."
He nuzzles your ear. "Yes you are..."
Your heart is so full of joy right now you're almost afraid it might burst! You vow to never make Joel angry again, convinced now that this is the secret to achieving ~happily ever after~.
If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.
Carlos
Date: 2021-02-17 06:05 am (UTC)Re: Carlos
Date: 2021-02-17 01:23 pm (UTC)