CYOA Page 258
Sep. 10th, 2013 11:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12Joel looks properly horrified. He finally looks more like your Joel -- the ice has cracked! You can see the alarm in his face... the fear in his eyes. "Ellie... what are you... -Give that to me."
I KNEW he loved me! "Stay back! Stay back or I'll blow my fucking brains out, I swear to God." And while you're normally not very good at lying, you are definitely upset enough right now to make this believable. You're pretty confident Joel won't call your bluff; he'd be gambling with your life. "I mean... why shouldn't I? I have nothing left to lose."
"Please... listen to me, baby girl. I know it hurts right--"
"Baby girl? Now I'm your baby girl."
"Always," he whispers. "Even if we ain't together."
...Is he about to cry? Seriously? That would be a first. Don't cave, Ellie... YOU have the power now... "You just told me you don't love me. That you never loved me. It was all a sick lie."
"I do. I do love you." He swallows... blinks... twitches... he is so rattled right now... "I've always loved you. I always will."
You can barely see through the tears blurring your vision. Your hand is trembling. He's inched forward a little bit... "Stop! S-stop right there -- you're j-just... saying that so I'll... I'll g-give this to you..."
"No... it's true. Let me hold you. You'll... you'll feel it."
Oh God... that's all I want... that's ALL I fucking want -- his arms around me... "You're just-- just-- trying to-- trick me," you blubber.
"No. Put the gun down... and I will. I'll hold you. I promise." His arms are open, waiting...
Don't fall for it, you tell yourself sternly. You can negotiate for MORE. Except...
He could promise me the moon right now and not mean a word of it, you realize with a fresh jolt of pain. Just because he's a fucking human being and doesn't want to see someone splatter their brains on the wall right in front of him... that doesn't mean he'll stay with you.
"Please... Ellie..."
Is that... a TEAR? Joel's crying?! The sight is unnerving. "If I... if..." You can't seem to spit this out.
"If what, baby girl?"
"If I... come to you... does that mean... you won't-- you won't--" I can't even fucking TALK now?!
"I won't leave you," he vows.
He did it again... he knew what you were trying to say before you said it. And GOD, he sounds like he means it... he looks so sincere... He looks like your sweet Joel, not the heartless bastard who had to take over to get him to leave you. Because MY Joel would never leave me...
It's not like you were ever going to go through with it anyway; your stunt seems to have served its purpose. You bend your knees... lower your arm... drop the gun beside you...
And as soon as it clatters to the floor, he swoops in and wraps his arms around you, clutching you to his chest. You lose it completely and start sobbing into his shirt.
"I'm sorry," he murmurs into your hair. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."
It's a few minutes before you can even speak again. A few minutes of reveling in being engulfed by his arms... by his love. I CAN feel it... "Did you mean what you said?" you sniffle. "You won't leave me? You won't make me go live with Tommy... I can stay with you?"
"If that's what you want."
"Of course it's what I want! I love you."
He cups your face in your hands... tilts it up... and kisses you. "Don't ever scare me like that again, okay?"
Man... if I'd known how effective it would be, I could've threatened to kill myself during every argument we've ever had... I'd always win! You nod dumbly, because he seems to be looking for some kind of acknowledgment. "You're crying," you tell him. ...in case he hasn't noticed? You lay your palm on his cheek and wipe away a tear with your thumb.
He walks you over to the bed and sits, pulling you onto the bed with him... like he can't even let go of you for the three seconds it takes to sit down and scoot over to the middle (although he does have to let go of you to dump all his gear on his other side). He sits with his back against the headboard and you tucked snugly against his side.
"I don't deserve you," he says.
That triggers a fresh wave of tears. "That's not true. You're a good person, Joel. You deserve to be happy. If I... wasn't making you happy, then..."
"You were. You are."
You give him a watery smile. "Let me finish. If I wasn't, I could... understand why you wanted to leave. I wouldn't make you stay. -Or, try to make you stay." You might die, letting him go, but you think you could do it for a good reason like that (assuming it wasn't something you could fix). Not for this utter bullshit that Joel insists on feeding himself. "I know you're happy with me. This whole thing... is my fault. I knew--"
"No it ain't. Ellie--"
"No, listen! I knew you didn't want me to... even touch you, let alone--"
"That don' mean--"
"Yes it does! It makes it my fault. I thought if I could just..." You shake your head; it seems so stupid now. "I wanted you to see that... I'm ready. For sex. That I can be... a real partner to you, someone who gives and doesn't just take--"
"You've given me... I can't even tell you how much."
"But not..."
"I don't care about that. I never have."
"I know. Which is why I can't stand it when you call yourself those horrible names. I've known some real creeps in my life, Joel, and you... are nothing like them."
He thinks about that. Are you possibly getting through to him finally? -But then he says, "Who are these creeps?"
Ha! "Look at you. So protective. See, how can you even put yourself in that category?"
"I'm a goddamn hypocrite, that's how. Anyone in Jackson?"
You squiggle up and kiss his wet cheek. "No. There's no one you can go beat the shit out of."
"Must be some in Boston, then."
"I'm not letting you go back there just for that." Although the thought of him showing up on some poor hapless jerkweed's doorstep ("This is for Ellie, asshole." "...Uh...WHO?" ) makes you giggle.
And your giggles make Joel smile. He squeezes you. "Shit. I couldn't leave you if I tried."
"You mean... to go back to Boston? Or in general?"
"In general. But both, actually."
"Good. You really scared me, you know."
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay. Just don't ever do it again."
He's quiet for a few moments. "We can't... go back to the way things were."
Fuck! Did you quit worrying too soon? You look at him with renewed fear. "What do you mean?"
"I mean... if we're gonna be together--"
"We are! You promised!"
"--then... I need to be... the man you think I am. Someone worthy of you."
Oh my Goddddd-- "You already are!"
"No. I've been takin' advantage of--"
"Shut up -- no you haven't! I'm the one who--"
"--your innocence. Tellin' myself that... as long as it makes you feel good, it ain't so bad. But that's a lie."
"There's nothing bad about it!"
"There is. This mornin' is proof of that."
You wonder if the blow job incident is going to forever after be referred to as That Morning, after today. "You know what it's proof of? That I'm a selfish asshole who gives no thought to anything except what I want."
"That ain't true, either. I put you in a position where you felt you had to reciprocate."
"No! No, it's not like that!"
"It's exactly like that. You're a sweet young girl who would do anythin' to please me, an' I've been--"
"I didn't do it for that reason!" you say earnestly. "I mean, yeah, I thought it would make you feel good and stuff, but I was trying to prove something to you -- I forced myself on you for my own--"
He cuts you off with a laugh. "No you didn't."
"Yes I did!"
"So you... physically overpowered me."
"... Well, no, unless--"
"Held a gun to my head?"
He winces as soon as he says it. Too soon!
"A knife to my throat," he amends.
"No, of course--"
"Drugged me? Tied me up? Gave me no escape whatsoever?"
Apparently, you should have done one of those things he just mentioned, just to make him feel like he's not to blame for it! "No. Just--"
"I could've stopped you. I didn't. Makes me sick, what I did."
"No! Don't you remember what you're always telling me?"
"...I guess not. What am I always tellin' you?"
"Er... you used to tell me. You stopped because you finally realized there's no need, I think. It doesn't... have to be any of those things to be wrong. You were so worried about making me... uncomfortable, or... uneasy... and I said you'd never do that, you'd never make me do anything I didn't wanna do, and you said of course you wouldn't, not on purpose, but that doesn't mean you might not make me feel--"
"I was talkin' about you. Not me."
"It's the same fucking thing!"
"No it ain't."
"How is it different? Because you're a guy and I'm a girl?"
"...Yes. There's a difference."
"There's not! I did something that you're clearly not cool with--"
He laughs. "It ain't the same thing. At all."
"You keep saying that but you're not telling me why."
"Because... it just ain't."
You snort. "That's not a reason! You're being so sexist right now."
"I'm sorry, but if you're tryin' to say I'm... the victim, here--"
"You are!"
"...of sexual assault?"
"Yes. I assaulted you. I didn't mean to, I didn't know that's what I was doing, but it obviously hurt you. It hurt you so much you felt you had to--"
"You know how ridiculous you sound right now?"
"You're just... your stupid male ego won't let you admit I'm right. But you know I am. You didn't want me to... you didn't enjoy it. It made you feel like shit. I'm so sorry I did that to you. I never--"
"Just... stop. This conversation's over."
...because he realizes I'm right?! But... no, you don't think you got through to him. He's far too amused. He has that "you're so cute" look on his face. "Maybe for now. But I'm not going to let you beat yourself up over something I did. Jesus, Joel -- you didn't even come in my mouth -- at least, not all the way. You're acting like--"
"We can discuss it more at home, all right? We should get a move on."
There's no hurry, now that you've almost reached the hospital, but Joel's given you enough cues (and even told you directly) that he's done talking now. "Okay -- only if you promise that 'discussing it more at home' doesn't mean you're going to dump me."
"I won't dump you."
"You promise?"
"I promise. But... things do have to change. A lot of things."
"As long as they don't change so much that we're not together? We can... negotiate."
"All right then."
This is certainly not the outcome you expected when you first laid eyes on Joel's dick this morning... but it's a fuckton better than what he was proposing a few minutes ago, before you had to hold a fucking gun to your head to snap him out of it.
...Jesus. How did our relationship get so fucked up and crazy?! You've clearly got your work cut out for you in the sex department now. Strangely, you find that you don't really care. Even if Joel decided he was opposed to holding you innocently, like he just did here, and you never touched each other again in any fashion -- at least, not until you turn eighteen? -- you could live with it. You just want to be with him. To be able to talk to him and see him and make him laugh every single day. He's probably going to make you sleep in your own bed again. You hate the thought of it, but it's not like you can't do it. You've only been favoring Joel's bed over your own for the past month or so, after all.
And I could always plan on having a really bad nightmare... what better excuse to climb into his bed? You'd have to be sure to conjure up some tears before you let out a bloodcurdling scream that brings him running (never mind that you've never woken up screaming from a nightmare before... when he sees you're crying and freaking out, he's not going to accuse you of faking!)... he'd have to be a complete monster not to at least give you a hug. You could promise that you'd stay on the edge of his bed and not even touch him at all... he wouldn't believe you, maybe, but you'd show him -- you'd keep your word. Then the next night, you could skip the theatrics and just tell him you're too scared to fall asleep on your own or some shit, and he would trust you to sleep far away from him in the bed, so he'd let you in again. It could become a regular thing. Then, little by little, you could work your way closer to him... and make him realize that there's nothing bad about what you're doing. Pretty soon, things will be just as perfect as they were last night, before you fucked everything up.
Except... if there's one lesson that's been beaten into you today, it's that things don't always go the way you plan in your head. Just be happy he's not kicking you out of the house!
If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.
Carlos
Date: 2021-05-24 12:43 pm (UTC)