CYOA Page 262

[lumy12]

Page Two Hundred Sixty-Two

You know that however much Joel may care about you, you'll never be as important to him as Sarah was -- and you'll never make him admit it out loud. BUT... "It would've bothered you... cuz of me? Like..." ...in a DAD way?

"Yes. Definitely."

It's weird feeling something good -- akin to a warm fuzzy -- in the middle of feeling sad for this girl... for her victims... "Why did she do it? What did all those people ever do to her? Little kids, even?"

"Nothin'. You read the note. She felt like she was doin' 'em a favor. Sparin' 'em the pain of the world by sendin' 'em up to heaven."

"But you don't... spare someone pain by fucking killing them!"

"I agree. But she didn' see it that way. She was messed up."

"But-- okay. Bad shit happens. Maybe a lot of it. I can understand, like... maybe wanting to stop your own pain, if you think that death will do that. What the fuck gave her the idea that... I mean, it sounded like she believed God wanted her to do that -- to kill everyone. Didn't it sound like that?"

"It did, yes."

"I don't know that much about God, but... would he ever want a person to do that? For any reason?"

"No. But people get these ideas in their heads sometimes... maybe she thought she heard his voice? Tellin' her to send these people to heaven? I don' know."

"And that's the other thing -- I don't know if any of those guys hurt her, but they couldn't all have, right? Like that first old man we saw in the bed... no way. And she believed they were all going to hell. Like... only girls are allowed in heaven?"

"Mm. Well... maybe she's onto somethin' with that. Maybe that's why it's such a nice place. Men would just screw it all up."

"Joel! You're-- ugh," you groan, but you're not annoyed. How does he do it, though? He even made you smile. Maybe this is why he's so easy to talk to...

He sobers quickly, though. "It's like I said before. Punish the masses for the sins of the few. Maybe... she was hurt... bad... an' never got through it, or got over it... an' didn' know what to do with all that anger. Maybe this is the only thing that made sense to her."

"But... even when you hated the world. Did you ever feel like that?!"

"Not... exactly like that, no, but I had... those were dark times."

"I'm sorry -- I didn't mean to remind you about that. Forget about all--"

"It's okay, Ellie." He squeezes you again. "Shit... you do feel like you gotta protect me, for some reason. I'm... in a good place, now. I can handle it."

"Okay but that doesn't mean you have to talk about all the old shit. This girl... Keira. What do you think she... I mean, did she just wake up and decide 'today's the day I'm gonna kill everyone'? If she had a machine gun... she must've stolen it from a soldier, right? Did she plan all this out, or did she just... snap one day?"

"I don' know. Seems like she knew exactly what she was doin', which... makes me think it was planned. But... she was disturbed. Whatever was goin' on in her head won't make sense to us."

"Disturbed? You mean bat shit crazy."

"I mean disturbed," he insists. "Maybe she had mental issues before... whatever happened to her that set her off. Maybe God's been tellin' her things her whole life. We don' know."

"Oh-- and when she said that today the devil didn't win? The exact opposite is true! Right?"

"Sure seems that way."

"So... you think she's like... some normal girl who was just... too fucked up after bad shit happened."

"Traumatized. I would assume that, yeah. With no one who cared enough to help her... or maybe she just couldn't see how much they cared."

You ponder that a moment. "How could she not see if they cared? ...Then they must not care very much," you conclude.

"When you're hurtin'... you can be blind to things."

"I guess." But there's just something that bugs you about this girl... another possibility... "I think it's more likely that no one loved her, and there was a reason for it. Because she was just... a bad person. And they could somehow sense it? Like how you can, sometimes? Or maybe it was obvious how horrible she was."

"I don' think so. She was just a kid."

"So? Kids can be bad."

He chews on that for a bit before answering. "I don't believe that. Kids are born innocent. The world... the people in their lives... that's what shapes 'em into the people they become. Some of 'em may have struggles... mental issues, like I mentioned before... I don' know if any of those are... incurably bad. I would wager it's a very, very small percentage in that category."

"...Okay, so bad things happen to them... why should that make them go do bad things? Shouldn't it be the opposite? Like... they know what it feels like, so they shouldn't want to do it to anyone else?"

He shakes his head. "That ain't how the cycle works. Think about your own childhood. You got into fights a lot. Fights with kids who would try an' bully you. After someone hit you... you wanted to hit 'em back, didn't you?"

"Of course. Because they hit me. It didn't make me wanna go hit everyone else!"

"...Maybe that's a bad example. Look, I'm no expert, but... if you grow up surrounded by violence, thinkin' that violence is normal... that it's somethin' you can use to help solve your problems... You threw the first punch sometimes, didn't you? Hit someone who didn't hit you first?"

"...Well... yeah, I guess?" Of course you did. "But they pissed me off first. I didn't just hit people for the heck of it."

"But when you get pissed off, you want to react violently. I've seen it."

You sit up a bit to shoot him a glare. "No I don't!"

"I ain't judgin' you... and you do manage to control your temper now. ...most of the time."

"Like 99 percent of the time!" ...or maybe 50% of the time...

"All right, just forget it. My point is, she didn't kill all those people because she's a bad person. She needed help."

You settle back into the crook of his arm again. "So... you're sure she wasn't evil."

"Positive."

"She wasn't unlovable."

"Nope."

"Okay, so... what about hunters?"

"What about 'em?"

"If kids grow up with violence and that makes them violent, then... aren't hunters the way they are because they were kids who grew up to be that way?"

"...Sure."

"So why don't you think they are tragic?"

He laughs. "Because they're assholes, that's why."

"Well, so was Keira when she killed everyone! When she purposely hurt all those innocent men -- to make them suffer! But no -- she's just ~disturbed~."

"She was just a kid."

"Okay -- that. So, the second that kid becomes an adult, they're an asshole. Before that, they're just fucked up. If they never... got the help they needed, like you said..."

"I see what you're sayin'. It's... different, with adults."

"Why? And don't say 'because they're adults'."

"...Uh... Because there comes a time when you gotta take responsibility for your actions. Kids are helpless. Dependent on adults. Adults can..." He sighs. "This is my old-world thinkin' comin' in to play. The truth is, the whole goddamn world is tragic, because a person can't always just decide they want help an' go get it. It ain't like... there's the same kind of resources available. Some of the assholes out there... yes, they're a product of their environment. A lot of 'em don't even know any better. Especially the younger ones. And the older ones... they're so set in their ways that maybe it's too late for them. As for the other side of the coin -- kids these days are less helpless than they used to be, 'cause most of 'em gotta grow up a hell of a lot faster now. Some go through shit in their childhood that... no person should have to go through in a whole lifetime. Sure, that happened to kids in the old world too, but... now it's considered normal. ...Damn... I think I had a point in there somewhere but I forget what it was..."

You love it when Joel just goes on and on like that (outside of lecturing you, of course); it's such a rare thing. You hang on his every word. "Um... I think I see what you were getting at. We look at things differently because you... think of kids as innocent, when they're not, so much... and you expect adults to fix themselves because that's what they used to do, and I'm just like... how can they do that? But really I think some people might just be plain old evil... or maybe not evil, but unlovable... oh -- and I don't think there's no hope for old hunters because look at you!"

Joel seems bemused (and amused!). "Whoa... okay, now my head is spinnin'. What was my point again? 'Cause I don't think I caught it in your version, either. And by the way, I was not old when I... started my hunter career."

"I thought you said you were in your thirties."

"I was."

"Yeah: OLD."

He chuckles. "I beg your pardon. I guess I was talkin' about ancient hunters, not old ones."

"So... your age now?" you grin up at him. How could I resist that one? He walked right into it!

He musses your hair enough to irritate you. "Yes. Maybe even a little older than that... if that's possible." You giggle and duck away from him when he fucks with your hair... but he pulls you right back in. "Hey... goin' back to what you said before. You've said it a couple times."

"What?"

"Unlovable."

"...Oh. What about it?"

"I don't like that word."

You snort. "Of all the words that fly out of my mouth, that's the one you--"

"I don't like that you attach it to kids. To that girl."

"...O...kay? Why?"

"It's... sad to me, that you can think that. Every kid... deserves to be loved. Every kid should have at least one parent who loves 'em more than anythin' else in the world. Two, ideally, but I s'pose that's askin' a lot these days. Hell -- it was askin' a lot even back in my day."

"And... I don't disagree with that?"

"No, you think it's possible that some are just unlovable. You said it twice. And you've mentioned it before today."

"Sorry. Didn't know it offended you so much," you say huffily.

"I ain't offended. It's just sad. ...you know why?"

You squirm a little; you think you know where he's going with this. "Why?"

" 'Cause I think that's what you thought about yourself. It's natural, in your situation... but I hope you don't still think it. I hope you know you were wrong."

"I don't think that," you mumble into his shirt.

"You never did?"

"No. ...I don't know. Maybe sometimes? Or I just... wondered."

"You wondered. Because why else would everyone leave you, right? Must be somethin' wrong with you."

"...I guess?" Joel better not fucking make me cry... I didn't cry about any of those dead people, but now THIS?!

He gives you a big squeeze this time. "I know that shit like that... stays with you. It don't just go away. But... now that you're older. Now that you can look back on it, an' see what was goin' on. See that you were just a kid... innocent... needin' things that no one was givin' you... not because you were a bad kid -- because life dealt you a shitty hand. Someone should've been lookin' out for you."

"Someone was. Marlene--"

"Marlene didn't do shit for you. But never mind -- I don't wanna dredge all that up again." (Marlene is always a touchy subject for both of you.) "I'm jus' sayin'... that little girl in there? Maybe she never got a chance to figure that out."

Personally, you still think she was just bat shit crazy. But you don't want to argue that point with Joel, either. "Maybe she had lots of love in her life but she didn't appreciate it... maybe she was full of herself. I thought maybe she was unlovable... based on what I know about her..."

"Which ain't much."

"No... and you're probably right."

"I usually am," he says lightly.

"Pfff." If the girl really was a horrible person... it doesn't make this any less sad. You do think she wasn't born that way... that it was life that beat her down and fucked her up. Because she's not as lucky as me... "You're a little wrong about one thing, though."

"What's that?"

"The unlovable thing? It's... not because I'm older, that I don't... think that anymore. As much." You feel a little awkward, saying this shit, but you really want him to know...

"No?"

"It's cuz of you." You sneak a glance at him... only for a second, as you're too shy to maintain it. "That girl... Keira... I think she just needed to meet her Joel -- the person who wouldn't leave -- and she would've been fine. That's what's really sad about it, to me... she gave up too soon."

"...That is sad." He falls silent, absorbing what you said. You know your words touched him because you could like... feel his chest tightening.

"So... what do we do now?" you wonder out loud -- because you are wondering, but also to let Joel know he doesn't have to continue this awkward conversation.

"Well... we didn't find Danny in there, so... I don' know. We can search around here a little more." He pauses. "You don't give yourself enough credit, kiddo."

The pause was just long enough that you know he's switched subjects -- again, he's not taking your out. Ugh... Maybe it was your out, too? "No -- you don't give yourself enough credit."

"You were already a great kid when I met you. Good head on your shoulders. Tough, but not mean. You needed my help gettin' across the country, I'll grant you that. But after that... once you were in a stable environment... you would've been--"

"Oh, don't even say I would've been fine without you," you groan.

"Everyone loves you. You--"

"Ha! Like, four or five people maybe. There's a ton that don't even like me."

He chuckles. "A ton? You're mixin' yourself up with me, I think."

Ha! "If I am... it's cuz we're supposed to be all mixed together. You and me. Don't you think?"

"I think... sure. You're right. Jus' stick us in a blender."

You smile at the thought. "Yeah. We're a blueberry milkshake."

"Blueberry? Not strawberry?"

"Yeah. Unless you want to come out pink in the end..."

"Blueberry it is, then."

"Good! Now can we go... do whatever we're gonna do next?" You can look at him now... maybe...

"This is a first. You wantin' to go, me wantin' to talk."

"You still wanna talk?!"

He chuckles. "Is that really so horrifyin'?"

"No..."

"Just... give me another minute. Mostly I just wanna keep sittin', if you don't mind. No talkin' necessary."

"I don't mind." Keep sitting here with my arm around you, holding you close, is what he means. You don't mind that at all.



THE END



If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.

Comments

Carlos

[(Anonymous)]

Nice... even if it was a long conversation