CYOA Page 271
Sep. 10th, 2013 04:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12You're debating how best to revisit the subject when Joel spares you the effort. He begins by stating the obvious: "I know you have questions."
Uh... YEAH. He seems to be waiting for you to say something, but you just wait for him to continue.
He clears his throat. "Given... what's happened... I'm gonna have to ask a big favor of you."
"What did happen?"
"Well... we're gonna have to come up with our own versions of events."
"What? Why?"
He looks at you grimly. "Because the truth would raise a whole lot of questions."
"Oh, you mean like the ones I have? That you're not answering?" you snap at him... but you instantly regret your tone. "I'm sorry. I know it's hard for you to talk about... for some reason. Because it's too much like Salt Lake City... ?"
He ignores the question. "I'll tell you what we need to say. We found out where Danny is."
"We did? I mean... did we? Did you? For real?"
"I spoke with his mother, yes. Assumin' she has accurate information. The military called for help... somethin' happened at the Missoula QZ... structures collapsin'... they're movin' everyone down here. Bunch of people hurt, too, an' their facilities ain't much better than Jackson's clinic. They needed all hands on deck to assist with triage, disassemblin' the QZ to move all their shit here -- to the hospital we just left, I mean. They're gonna set up shop in that area."
"That city's gonna be a Zone? ...Does that mean we can't send patients up there anymore?"
"I don' know. I imagine they can work somethin' out. Might even be to Jackson's benefit. It does mean that we can't ever go back."
That's obvious... for you, at least; Joel is free to go wherever he pleases. But you love that he doesn't even look at it that way. "How far away is that?"
"Several hundred miles. No one would expect us to go that far to... actually find Danny. We can assume the military's keepin' everyone safe." ...Heavy on the sarcasm, on that last sentence!
"Would they expect us to... maybe go and help out?"
"Maybe. But again, that's pretty far, even on horseback. The military's prob'ly usin' their own vehicles. And... Tommy will know why we wouldn't want to do that."
"Because of me."
"Right. So he can... run interference on that if needed. But I really don't think anyone will find it strange that we came home instead."
"Okay, so... that's the truth. Right? What are we going to lie about?"
He hesitates. "What they did to you. You came inside with me, you were with me the whole time."
"So... you don't want anyone to know that I had to sneak in."
"Or that there's anythin'... special about you, that would make 'em... do what they did."
"Try to kill me."
"Right."
You think about this. It makes sense... to some extent... "Where was I when you were talking to Elaine, though?"
"I told her you were comin', that you were just talkin' to someone outside... she was sleepin' by the time you saw her. She was drowsy from pain medication... she might not even remember I was there. I'll say I confirmed her story about the QZ with a doctor."
"...But you didn't?"
"No."
"So it might be some... fantasy of hers? From the drugs?"
"I don't think it was. But hearin' the same story from two sources, one of 'em hospital staff, was enough for us."
"Uh... except you didn't actually hear it from a doctor, so if it wasn't true..."
"Well, we can't exactly go find out firsthand."
"Why didn't you just ask a doctor or someone if it was true?"
"Because they were otherwise engaged at the time." The immediacy of his reply makes you think he anticipated this question.
They were engaged with ME... all of them? "Okay, but everyone there knows about me now. Right? They'll tell the soldiers coming from Missoula... and if Danny and Elaine hear about it, too..."
"That would've been a huge problem, yes."
"...Would have been. But now it's not."
"Right."
You wait for him to elaborate, but he doesn't. "Because...?"
"I took care of it."
He says it perfectly calmly, casually... the way a person might say they took care of some mundane chore that needed doing. Yet the implications here... a chill races down your spine. "Joel... what do you mean you 'took care of it' ?" you ask warily.
He sighs. "That's all you need to know. You're safe. No one's gonna come after you, an' no one's gonna spread the word about you."
"But--"
"But-- I'm sure when Danny comes back, he'll have another story to tell. We're gonna be as surprised to hear it as anyone else."
Oh my God... "What the fuck did you do?"
"Nothin'. It all happened after we left. Possibly days after we left... assumin' the night shift don't share it with the patients."
"Night shift?"
"I found a schedule posted in one of the staff areas. The emergency trip might've messed it up some, but I think they'd still have at least bare bones staff workin' at night."
"But what the fuck did you do?!"
"Only what I had to."
You get the gist of what he did... and you're not sure how to feel about it. You and Joel have always killed others in order to protect each other. Normally, you wouldn't give it a second thought. "The doctor... Tripp... that soldier... okay. But... there were lots of other people in the building too, right? Whoever the soldier called on the radio..."
"All taken care of."
"If someone else overheard--"
"Taken care of."
I don't like the sound of this... "Most of those people weren't Fireflies. They've been there a long time... and the Fireflies haven't been there that long." Assuming they all arrived when Tripp did, anyway...
"It don't matter who they're affiliated with. Only what they know."
...Is he saying?... of course he is: he killed them ALL. Innocent people! People who had nothing to do with you. People just going about their business, treating patients, who never laid a hand on you. But not the patients... he made that comment about night staff not sharing news with them... still, if someone happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and they witnessed something, or even just overheard something--
The roasting meat doesn't smell enticing anymore; if anything, you feel nauseated.
Joel's watching you closely. "I'm sorry... I know this is... upsettin' for you to hear about."
You look him in the eye and ask another question you're afraid to hear the answer to. "You didn't kill her, did you?"
"Who?"
...Who ELSE would I mean? "Danny's mom. Elaine."
He relaxes (and you hadn't even realized the question put him on edge). "Of course not."
"But you said... when Danny comes back..."
"His mom's real sick. I assume he'll return to his family before she gets out. You know, like he's been doin'. Back an' forth."
Oh God, I wanna believe him... when you asked how to handle the fact that Elaine never saw you, he didn't simply say "that won't be a problem" -- no, he passed along the lie that he told her. Unless... he just knew I'd be too upset about him killing one of our own, so he figured he'd better cover that up? "If Danny comes back to the hospital and finds his mother dead... from a gunshot wound or something-- oh! No, you could've just strangled her -- maybe he'll assume she died because all her doctors were gone..."
"Ellie, I didn't hurt her. I swear. You're gettin' all worked up... come here. Why don't you--"
"No!" You stand up instead, glowering over him. "You've sworn to me before... you looked me in the eye and swore that the bullshit you told me about the Fireflies was true. You looked so sincere, too. I knew there was more to the story, but... fuck, I was an idiot to think-- you lie just as easily as you tell the truth! How can I believe anything you say?"
He rose to his feet in the middle of your little outburst, and he takes a step toward you now -- which only makes you take a step back. "I understand why you're upset," he acknowledges, "but I ain't lyin' to you. I only--"
"You killed innocent people! For me! Which means... it's like I killed... God, how many--"
"No! None of this is your fault." He sighs. "This is why I didn't wanna get into this out here--"
"The same thing happened in Salt Lake City! Didn't it! ... ...Didn't it!"
"None of those people were innocent. They were willin' to do whatever it took to get their damn cure... vaccine... whatever... I never would've brought you there if I'd known they were gonna kill--"
"Oh my fucking God -- and Marlene?! She was there, wasn't she!"
He doesn't answer that.
"Good -- at least you're not lying now! Why did you... Joel, she was my friend! Fuck -- not everyone who knows about me wants to kill me! No -- don't come near me!" You back away from him as he draws closer. "Were you ever gonna tell me the truth?"
"Maybe I should have. Might've saved you from nearly gettin' killed back there today."
"Damn right you should have! I'm not a child!"
"I knew the truth would hurt you," is his excuse. "There was no good that would come of you knowin'... only bad."
Your mind is really spinning now. "But... I trusted you. If I can't trust you... the person who cares more about me than anyone else... who can I trust?"
"That's why you can trust me. I won't let anyone hurt you."
"Anyone except you, you mean? ...I said stay back! Don't touch me! I can't think if you... if you..."
"You don' need to think about it right now. We can talk about it more at home, all right? I just need you to stick to the story when we get there."
"Right -- that's not to protect me -- it's because you don't want them to know how many people you fucking killed!"
"It's for both of us. The truth... it wouldn't sit too well with some folks, an' since they can't know the reason--"
"Wouldn't sit-- -It doesn't fucking SIT WELL with me either, Joel!" How much more of this can you stand to listen to? You're dangerously close to bolting.
"I know it don't. I'm sorry, baby girl... I truly am. If there was any other way..."
"...any other way? Well... if everyone wants to kill me so bad, maybe there's a reason for that. Maybe... maybe that's what needs to happen for-- oh God..."
"No no no -- don't go there. What they were doin' was wrong. Killin' an innocent child just to--"
"What about all the innocent people you killed?!"
"Stop callin' 'em innocent. They weren't. They--"
"Some of them were! It's not like... you were defending me against a mob of infected or something. They couldn't all have deserved... fuck..."
"Anyone who's a threat has to be eliminated. It's the nature of survival. It ain't all strictly self defense. You know that."
"But... they don't! They didn't have to be... if they didn't even hurt me... if they were never going to hurt me..."
"There was no way to know that for sure."
"...No way to know... Jesus, Joel, by that logic, you'd have to kill every other person on the planet!"
"That's a little extreme. Why don't we--"
"It's the fucking truth -- you would, wouldn't you. You'd kill every single person, if it meant keeping me safe."
"No, I wouldn't. Let's go inside an' finish--"
"You would! Oh my God, Joel... if it wasn't for you, we'd have a cure by now, wouldn't we! Do you know how many people you--"
"No -- they didn't know what the hell they were doin', an' I can prove it to you. When we get home. It ain't as black an' white as you're--"
"Yes it fucking is! I... I can't..." You've had enough. You don't know where you're going, but you just need to get the fuck away. You turn and start running toward the highway.
Only you don't even make it five steps -- Joel seemed to be anticipating this. He grabs you and reels you in... and again, you're reminded of being 'hugged' from behind the way you were in the hospital, as a form of restraint rather than affection... only this time, it sort of feels like it's both? You struggle, but even if you could employ your crotch-kick maneuver here, you can't hurt Joel. Frustrated, you burst into angry tears.
"Sshh... I'm sorry, baby girl. But I can't let you run off out here. I'm afraid you're stuck with me. You can yell an' scream at me all you want... once we go inside one of these rooms, all right?"
Your head is beyond spinning now. You don't know what to think, what to feel. You twist yourself around so you can bury your face in his shirt, and fuck do you hate the fact that you're letting Joel comfort you when this whole fucking thing is because of him. He's so good at making you feel safe... loved... this time is no exception, but deep down, you know it's all bullshit. Your anger is starting to congeal over your heart. I have no choice right now... I have to go inside... I have to do whatever he wants. But later... when his guard is down... he can't watch me every single minute. Maybe I can steal away in the middle of the night...
...to go where? You don't know. Just... away. Somewhere you can sort everything out on your own, without Joel confusing you with his lies, or half-truths... his justifications... Maybe you don't have to decide where to go before you leave.
Knowing you have an out -- that you can go wherever you want -- is a comfort to you. It's almost as comforting as Joel's strong arms... his hand in your hair... his honeyed voice, soothing you... FUCK... I need to be immune to JOEL to have any chance of figuring this shit out!
You will be. You'll get there. You just need to let your anger harden around your heart enough to where you can't feel anything anymore.
If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.
Carlos
Date: 2020-08-17 12:48 pm (UTC)Re: Carlos
Date: 2020-08-17 07:37 pm (UTC)