CYOA Page 272

[lumy12]

Page Two Hundred Seventy-Two

In the grand scheme of things, being a little cold doesn't rate very high on the discomfort scale; it's not pleasant, but it's not like you're in pain. It's not like it's the dead of winter and you're getting pelted with icy snow. And yet, Joel couldn't just sit by and do nothing. Obviously that means he still loves you, right? You snuggle up to him, tucking your head into his neck. "And I'm warming you up too, right?"

"Yes you are." He rests his arm over your leg... length-wise, as if to protect it from the cold.

He's just SO SWEET. He deserves better than me. But you're sure as fuck not giving him up because of that! "I'm sorry I made you so mad... or whatever the right word is. I... really hope you can forgive me."

"You're just... very young."

THAT doesn't sound good... your gut reaction is to insist that you're not, but you manage to stifle it this time. "What do you mean?" you ask, already wincing at what you might hear.

"You're... impulsive. You don't think things through. When you get upset... you don' know how to process it, you feel like you have to run from it--"

"Okay, you don't have to rattle off all my flaws," you grumble, half teasing. You're actually pleased that he's talking about you fleeing the house half naked rather than your molestation of him before that. "Isn't it pretty normal to want to go be alone when you're upset? You do it."

"Touché," he says (it's one of those things that old people say that you get the gist of by context). "The difference is I don't tear out of the house naked with--"

"Half naked!"

"--half naked, with no weapons, an' run around like I'm in the safety of my own backyard."

But I knew you would come after me! you think; of course, saying so would expose your manipulations (or, worse, trigger one of his safety lectures). "I'll... work on being less impulsive?" you offer.

"Good. Maybe try countin' to ten first... give yourself time to follow it through to conclusion."

If only he knew how NOT impulsive it was -- ha! That might help with the 'young' problem, if impulsiveness marks you as such, but you like that Joel thinks you're sweet and nice instead of selfish and manipulative. One of your biggest fears is for him to finally see you for what you really are... and walk away. "That makes sense. I might've at least gotten my pants and shoes on first if I did that." You manage to refrain from snarkily adding "Thank you, Joel, for showing me the error of my ways"...

"An' grabbed your gun? Your blade?"

"Yeah. Maybe I'd think... 'what would Joel do?'... except then I might leave the weapons behind cuz if I was you I could just kill people with my brute strength." (an ability you're very envious of)

He chuckles. "Maybe you didn' notice, but I did bring a gun."

"Yeah, yeah." You kiss his neck. "I'm sorry I made you come all the way out here. Tonight... didn't go the way I expected."

"I know." He gives you a squeeze. "I know things are... confusin'. They are for me, too."

Now we're getting into the REALLY scary stuff... "More confusing for you than for me, I think?"

"No. I'm older an' wiser."

"Pfff -- okay, well, I know how I feel and what I want. I'm not confused."

"Mm. You got me there."

...Really??... Wait, so... "Does that mean... you don't know how you feel about me? -Did something change?" you add, your voice barely above a whisper.

"No. Don't worry about that. I love you... nothin's changed."

You can breathe again! "Oh thank God. I love you, too. That's never gonna change."

"Sweet girl." He kisses the top of your head... and doesn't even launch into his "you're so young and never/forever is a long time" speech.

"That's the most important thing, right? We love each other."

"Sure. But the way you see things... it's very black'n'white. Reality is a lil' more... nuanced."

"It doesn't have to be. You see things the way you do because you... bring all this other crap into it that doesn't need to be there. Like... it's not enough for you that we love each other. You have to question it and test it... that's why you're confused." You like the way he's massaging your head through your hair... and you will never understand how a loving touch could be considered bad.

"You've got this all figured out, hmm?"

"I do. If you could jump ahead ten years from now... like, say I'm twenty-six."

"Old," he remarks.

"Yeah! Very. So old that you don't feel guilty at all about having sex with me."

"...Well..."

"What?! I'm twenty-six."

"I'm still thirty-five years older than you."

"Thirty-four-and-a-half." You always have to correct him on that.

"Yes. You're still saddled with an old man when you--"

"Noooooo I'm not saddled with-- I'm not a horse!"

"Stuck with," he amends.

"And I'm not stuck." You sit up so you can give him an accusing look. "You said that once I turn eighteen--"

"Hey hey -- I'm just answerin' the question you asked. You're never gonna be so old that I don't feel any guilt whatsoever about bein' with you."

"Okay, that's dumb, but whatever -- you will have sex with me when I turn eighteen. You already said."

"Yes." He smiles. "You're cute when you're mad."

You pretend to be annoyed by that comment. "No I'm not -- and I'm holding you to that. Eighteen. On my eighteenth birthday. That's my present."

"Yes, baby girl. Even though that's more of a present for me than for you."

"It's for both of us." You lean in and kiss him softly. What was my point... oh! Right-- "So, I'm twenty-six and we've been fucking for eight years now. Don't you think you're going to look back and be like 'Fuck, I didn't actually need to worry about being a perv or messing her up' -- or any of those silly things you worry about -- you'll know that it's what I've always wanted. That nothing changed... that I was right all along -- we love each other and that's all that matters. That there was no reason to wait so long."

"...You have to be twenty-six?"

"Well... in my twenties, I think. Just so I'm not a teenager. It's been long enough that you... don't think the same things you're thinking right now, when you think about us having sex. Does that make sense?"

"All right. You're sayin'... by then, you'll have proven yourself to me an' I'll know we were meant to be, the way you do right now."

"Yeah! Good."

"I don't doubt that we were s'posed to meet... to find each other, the way we did."

"But you don't know if we should be together like this. And I know we should."

"That's because you're young," he whispers.

"No, it's cuz I'm smart!"

"Whereas... I'm dumb 'cause it'll take me ten years to learn what you already know."

"Well... when you put it like that... kinda, yeah?"

He squeezes you again. "You know what else tells me you're young? You think you're always right, an' people who disagree with you are stupid."

"I don't think that! You're twisting--"

"You do. You're real... dismissive, sometimes."

"Joel, I'm talking about this one thing that I know -- us. How right we are, together."

"You just said that what I think is dumb -- or silly, you called it, too. Same thing: dismissive."

"I don't-- that's-- it's still about us, though. That's what I mean. I am right about us."

"You can't possibly know that. It's your opinion. It ain't like sayin'... somethin' that's fact. Facts: we live in Jackson... the sun rises in the east... you're cute as hell when you're mad..."

You giggle. "That last one's not a fact!"

"Sure it is. Bet you can't find one person who'd dispute it." He kisses your nose. "But goin' back to your... twenty-six thing. I reckon I'd still see it differently than you do."

"You would? Then how old would I have to be for you to get it?"

"Gettin' it ain't the thing. It's a difference of opinion. I do understand what you're sayin'."

"Okay, so... how would you see it?"

"Mm... I don' know if I wanna tell you. You're just gonna say it's stupid."

You roll your eyes. "Come on, Joel, you're acting like... like I'm always putting you down or something." ...I DON'T do that all the time, do I?!

"All right... first of all -- you might be right. I don' know -- we ain't there yet. But what seems more likely to me... is that I'll look back on it an' think, 'I'm glad we waited 'til she was eighteen. 'Cause now I know that... she made the decision as an adult'--"

"I've already made the decision! I made it ages ago!"

"Okay then... 'we waited to act on it 'til she was an adult... so I could be reasonably sure it's what she really wanted, not just me... coercin' her to--"

"I can tell you right now it's what I really wanted! Want -- whatever."

"I ain't sayin' it right. And... come to think of it, I'll prob'ly still wonder if I'm somehow coercin' you just from--"

"Uugghhh -- you're not. You know I don't like that word."

"Influencin', is a better one."

"Slightly better." At least it doesn't have the negative connotation. "But Joel... I don't get how you can possibly think that when--" You pause as a concept smacks you in the face. Yeah... fuck, it's true...

"When what?"

"When I'm the one trying to coerce you."

"You just said you don' like that word."

"I don't! So I hate that I'm doing it."

He sort of sighs and laughs at the same time, and squeezes you again. Extra tight. "I love you."

Awww! "Okay... even though I just told you I'm a terrible person?"

"It ain't the same thing. What you do -- it ain't the same."

"What I do... which is...?"

"The way you... push me, or... test me. It's like... a kid pushin' the limits to see how much he can get away with. There's nothin' bad behind it -- no bad intentions."

You don't know if you care to be compared to a child in this circumstance, but you do feel a little better. "I don't do any of it to hurt you, so yeah... nothing bad. Honestly, I think it would help you, if you could just see... if you could somehow know what I know... but, still. I go too far sometimes. Just because I know I'm right... I mean, you don't know that..."

"Because I'm wrong."

You can tell he's amused rather than annoyed, so you continue. "Yes. Exactly. So... you feel the way you feel, and it's not up to me to like... talk you out of how you feel -- to keep trying to make you -- force you -- to agree with me. That's the bad thing about it... the forcing. That's what I did wrong tonight. That's why you got so pissed. I just need to be patient with you."

"Mm. Just... wait until I come around? 'Til I realize you're right?"

"Yeah. I will, Joel -- I'll be better about it, I promise."

He smiles and pulls you into a nice, deep kiss... that ends way too soon. "You know I can never stay mad at you, baby girl."

"I can't stay mad at you, either. You know why we can't stay mad?"

"Why's that?"

"Cuz we love each other."

"I thought it was 'cause you're so goddamn adorable."

"That doesn't make sense," you giggle. "I can't stay mad at you because I'm adorable? Or you're adorable?"

"You. Definitely you."

"Okay, then you're wrong again -- that's definitely not it. It's cuz we love each other."

"Fine -- you're right. Can we get back to the house now?"

"Am I right about everything?" you grin at him.

"Everythin' under the sun. Yes."

"But... we're under the moon right now. Does that matter?"

He chuckles. "It's just a-- Oh, maybe it does. Ask me in ten years. When you're twenty-six."

Yay, progress! A month ago, there would've been a "if you haven't dumped my ass yet," or some such bullshit, at the end of that. He didn't even say it when you had that little discussion, either. Maybe he's already starting to trust you more... and clearly, you didn't fuck everything up as badly as you thought.

Now if you could just get him to realize you're right about it being perfectly fine to have sex before you're eighteen...



THE END



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Comments

Carlos

[(Anonymous)]

Okay finish this one too.