"Singularity" Chapter 3: "Diamonds" [3/?]
Mar. 12th, 2021 01:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12Title: "Singularity" Chapter 3: "Diamonds" [3/?]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,536
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
~
Parker's boat of choice was the tiniest one Ellie had ever seen. She hadn't been out on the water all winter... she and Joel had both been put off of boating when they'd gotten hit by a storm fierce enough to nearly capsize them (in a bigger boat than this!). But today was turning into a nice sunny day, and Ellie wasn't worried about storms. Just... the boat was so fucking small. It was the only one Parker felt confident driving, though, and he claimed that, despite its diminutive size, it had everything necessary for deep sea fishing.
Ironically, Ellie felt relaxed for the first time once they were flying across the water. Maybe not relaxed so much as... not so anxious about the water? The wind whipping her hair (yanking some of it loose from her ponytail, as she hadn't had time to go persuade Sophie to braid it for her), the salty spray of the ocean foam misting her face... it was like they were running across the water, so low that they were practically level with it. The flying sensation was akin to riding a galloping horse.
She didn't even attempt to speak to Parker until he turned off the engine. "So this is a good spot?" she asked.
"We're not gonna stay here," he replied. He only had one fishing rod, so there wasn't much for Ellie to do other than offer to help him bait the hook -- and of course he didn't need her help with that.
"Um... I guess we're not, cuz we're still moving," she observed. She had to move out of the way for him to stick the rod in one of the holders behind her, at the 'butt' of the boat.
"Just trolling," he said as if that clarified things.
Whatever that means? "I saw you switch off the engine, though, so..."
"It's a whole different motor. It's quiet, see, so it doesn't scare off the fish." He finished fiddling with the rod, then switched places with Ellie again, putting her back in her original spot. He claimed it was better if he was facing the rod so he could see if the fishing line jerked. Ellie preferred to face forward anyway, so that worked out nicely. They both could have sat on the same side, but the boat was so small that it would have been a bit too cozy. Like she would probably only sit that way if she was with Joel. Sitting on the bench seats properly put them down even lower, aligning them pretty much flush with the surface of the water (although she wasn't close enough to the side to touch it). The square hole deal in the middle of the boat reminded her of 'the pit' in the library back home, where the wide steps were intended to serve as multi-level seating -- only the boat was waaaay smaller than that. She could recall times when like twenty or thirty people had gathered in the pit, and this boat could maybe hold four, max. Perhaps five if someone stayed at the wheel the whole time. That's kinda proportional to the population of the two towns, really... though calling Golden Sands a town might be pushing it...
Ellie wondered how long she should wait before trying to coax a secret or two out of Parker, who seemed perfectly content to just sit there and not say a word. She could at least try to get him to open up about whatever he'd been trying to tell her. I DID say I'd be quiet... but I also don't want to waste this opportunity to have a good talk at last... who knows when the next one will come? "Will it scare the fish if I whisper?" she whispered after enduring a few silent minutes.
"You can talk normal," he replied... all normal-like. "I don't even know if there's any fish around here. Might take a while to get a bite."
Ellie slouched more comfortably in her seat, admiring the way the brilliant sunlight dappled the waves. The 'diamonds' that had captured her fancy from the moment she'd first laid eyes on them last fall surrounded her now. She felt very... small. But not in a bad way. She had remembered to put sunscreen on, and Parker had brought a bottle of the stuff -- just for her, she suspected, because his skin was much tanner than hers. Joel said everyone was supposed to use it, though, not just the fair and freckled like herself (but did he use it himself? No! He wanted to conserve it all for her).
She decided that since Parker hadn't told her to shut up when she'd asked about whispering, it was basically the same thing as being given permission to talk. "Can I ask you something?"
"No."
Ellie blinked. That was fast! "Okay."
Parker chuckled. "Kidding. I already know what you're gonna ask."
"No you don't! I was gonna ask... about when you start to tell me something and then change your mind. I'm not asking you what it is, just... what stops you from talking about it? Is it... cuz you don't trust me?"
"Um... no, that's not really it."
"...Then what?" she prompted after a moment. Is he gonna make me play twenty questions like Joel does sometimes? Except with Joel, make that FIFTY questions.
"It's more like... I actually don't know how many people around here know, and how many don't. I think you're with the 'don't's."
Ellie snorted. "I'm totally with the don'ts, whatever it is. Dude, I have no idea what you're talking about. None. Zero. Enlighten me, please."
"Well but then I think... maybe it's better if you don't. Like... you're too... ..."
"Too what?"
"I dunno."
Being 'too' anything usually wasn't good -- the exception being Joel calling her too sexy, perhaps? -- so Ellie couldn't help bristling a little. "Whatever too you think I am, I'm not. Do you think that I like... won't understand, or something?"
Parker took a moment to answer, like he was mulling it over. "Actually... you and Joel might be the only ones who do understand. I guess that's why I keep almost-telling you."
The 'and Joel' threw her a little. So the problem isn't that Joel's always around! What the fuck? "But you've never almost-told me when Joel's right there," she pointed out.
"No... you're easier to talk to."
"I am," she agreed. She personally found Joel very easy to talk to, most of the time... more and more as time went by. But she liked to think of talking to him with ease as her own personal superpower. "If you want him to know, you can tell me and I can tell him..."
"Well... it's sort of a three-parter. I think that... you guys might be okay with the first two parts. Just not the third."
Ellie considered this. "Okay, so can you just tell me the two good parts?"
He chuckled at that. "It's the third part that makes me keep almost-telling you, actually."
What? Now her curiosity was really piqued! "Are you in some kind of trouble?"
"No."
"Cuz if you are--"
"I'm not."
It SOUNDS like he's telling the truth... but she wasn't that adept at sniffing out lies sometimes. "And you keep not-telling me because... you don't think I should know. For some reason. Is it something... embarrassing?"
"No. I mean... ... -No." He leaned back on his hands and looked at her... thoughtfully?
"Kind of embarrassing?" she ventured. "Shameful?"
"No -- it has nothing to do with me. It's about you."
"What? Dude -- if it's about me, then I should definitely know! Don't you think?!" She sat up straighter. Leaned forward, even.
"Not if-- er..." Parker frowned at her knee. "I guess I don't know you well enough... to know how you would take it."
"Trust me. I can take anything," she declared.
He glanced at her. "Don't know about that. You don't even know what it is."
"Exactly! So tell me!"
This nonsense went on for the next several minutes. She didn't get the sense that Parker was annoyed by her persistence. In fact, she felt like she could eventually wear him down, as long as she managed not to lose every last ounce of patience and throttle it out of him. He did agree that if she guessed it, he'd tell her if she was right. The problem was she had no idea what to even guess! She'd been curious before, but now, knowing that it wasn't some deep dark secret of Parker's but that it actually concerned her... she just fucking had to know.
Finally, he said he would tell her. That he could tell her the third part first and then kind of back into the other two parts from there. Only, he really felt that he should tell the second part first, otherwise she might get 'skeeved out' by the whole thing.
Basically, the more he talked, the more confused she became.
"Okay, I have an idea," she said, amazed at how calm and patient she sounded when she felt anything but. "You said you didn't know if you knew me well enough, to know what I'd think about this thing. Right? Well... can you just think of one thing -- or a couple things? I dunno -- whatever it is you really need to know about me... to decide that. Just ask me, and if I answer correctly, you know you can tell me."
Parker laughed... but it was a nervous laugh, not a you're-so-ridiculous laugh. "That's... uh... well, for one thing, there's not a right or wrong answer? It's more like... your opinion. Your views on... things."
"Okay, whatever -- if my opinion doesn't line up the right way with your thing, then..." Then what? I can't drop this now! She would have to figure out what the 'right' answer was to unlock the mystery (because of course there was a fucking right answer!). "Just think about it. Can you think of one question you could ask me that would help you figure it out?"
"Oh, that's easy. Yep."
Ellie waited. ...Okay, so... "Um... then fucking ask me already?!" she laughed.
Parker seemed to be chewing on the words now, at least... trying to find the right combo to spit out... but the waiting was driving her crazy! You would think that being with Joel would've taught me a thing or two about PATIENCE-- but apparently it hadn't.
"It's easy to think of it, harder to ask it," Parker said. After all that waiting.
"Can you just... try?!?!"
"...I don't wanna upset you."
"You won't!" she assured him.
"You... already seem kinda pissed."
"I'm not!" ...Gee, what could've given him THAT idea?!
"And now you might actually be scaring the fish away," he teased (at least, she thought he was just teasing?).
"Fuck the fish! Can you just. Fucking. TELL ME. Please -- I'm dying here."
He smiled apologetically. "Sorry. Okay. Um... you know how you're with Joel."
Ellie waited for the question, but there wasn't one. "Yeah. I'm with Joel. So?"
"And you... you love him and everything."
She didn't know what the "and everything" encompassed, but-- "Of course I do."
"Okay. Right. What if... do you think you might ever feel that way... about someone else? A new person?"
...the FUCK? "What? That's... no! Of course not! I just told you, I love Joel."
"I know! But..."
"Do you mean after he's gone? Cuz I know he's old-- older, okay? You don't have to fucking tell me that. Just cuz he's older--"
"No, Ellie, that's not--"
"--doesn't mean he's old. He's gonna be around like another fifty years!"
"Okay! I get it," he said... but then immediately looked puzzled. "Fifty years? Isn't he like--"
"He's going to live forever, okay?!"
"Right. Whatever. That's not what I was getting at. Not after. I mean at the same time as Joel."
This is fucked up! "What... love someone else? Like... now?"
"Yeah. Not literally at the same time, like with both of them there... ...unless you guys are into that, I guess. But yeah. Having more than one... partner, or whatever."
"No! No fucking way! That's like... no." Ellie was so appalled, she almost found herself speechless (quite the rarity, that!).
"Okay, well... I got my answer, then. You don't need to hear the rest."
She'd nearly forgotten this thing was threefold. "Yes I do! I'm not upset. I was surprised, that's all. I still wanna know what the thing is. The three things."
"There's no point. But at least now I know I tried..."
Ellie got the impression he was saying that last bit more to himself than to her. And that's when it dawned on her-- Oh my GOD. I'm such a fucking idiot! How did I not see it before? How did I miss the signs? And I thought JOEL was clueless about this shit... I am, too! Wait... I STILL don't see signs. I can't think of any. Other than like... right now, with him being like weirdly shy about asking me stuff. But it never seemed like he was going out of his way to spend time with me or anything... and he never touches me... except like helping me into the boat, I guess? But that's not the same thing. What did that one article say? -the ARM, that's right. That's what people touch to show they're interested. Or they did in olden times. ...But how would Parker even KNOW that?! How would he know... ANY of it? How to go about showing interest, or ~making a move~... he wouldn't. He's been here since the beginning, so he couldn't have been older than, what... thirteen or fourteen? Okay, fourteen or fifteen, more like. No one his own age around the whole time. I don't know about before. I guess he might've had a girlfriend before... or boyfriend... not sure why I've always assumed he was gay. But now... I mean, he might like both. It doesn't matter. What matters is I was a total jerk to him just now! He was trying to tell me how he feels and I practically bit his head off. …Although he really did go about it COMPLETELY the wrong way. Starting off like that... it immediately put me on the defensive. Like he was questioning my love for Joel. People here think a bit differently than back home, that's for sure. I took it like an insult, but... I mean, I KNOW certain people here are fucking people besides the ones they're 'with.' Joel knows it, too. But he doesn't know that I know, and I don't WANT him to, cuz then he might think we should like... I dunno... maybe try doing that too? Or feel like he's 'holding me back' in some way -- GOD I fucking hate it when he thinks that. ANYWAYS -- we don't talk about it... aside from Sylvia... I still need to get the dirt on her... she's not with anyone so it must be the other person who is... -but whatever. FOCUS, Ellie. Back to Parker. I should say something to him. Apologize, maybe? I mean... how long has he been hiding these feelings, and then I just... he must be like DEVASTATED right now...
"You okay?" he asked her -- he asked her!
"Yeah! Fine. Um, are you?" -Duh, of COURSE he's not! What a stupid--
"It's just weird... you being quiet all of a sudden."
He didn't seem to be avoiding eye contact or anything... and he seemed okay. Maybe he's tougher than I give him credit for? "Parker... I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For sort of... freaking out like that. I was just... surprised."
"No worries."
She frowned. "No, I feel bad. I'm... flattered. Really. You seem really nice and everything... it's just... you know. I'm with Joel. And I'm not just with him, I'm like... crazy-in-love-'with' him. Ugh, am I making it worse? I guess you prob'ly don't wanna hear--" Ellie cut herself off, surprised at the expression on Parker's face. "What's so funny?"
"You think... that I...?" He was clearly suppressing laughter.
She felt her face turn red. "That you what?"
He looked thoughtful again. Or as thoughtful as a person can look while smirking, anyway. "Yeah... okay, I see why you would think... Man. I really botched that."
"Botched what?" What was there to botch if he didn't actually have a crush on her?
"It's not me. I'm not--" He paused and finally let a real laugh escape.
"You're... not in love with me," Ellie surmised.
"Nope. You can relax."
"I am relaxed."
"I mean... you know. I didn't bring you out here to..."
"I invited myself along," she reminded him. "Well, fuck. I thought I had it figured out, and now nothing makes sense again. The way you said that... it's not you. Does that mean it's someone else?"
Parker shook his head, chuckling. "You already answered the question, so--"
"But someone else likes me? Like that?! ...WHO?" Ellie couldn't think of anyone at the resort who had ever looked at her all... lustful-like, or had tried to flirt with her... but maybe she was just oblivious? Blinded by her devotion to Joel?
"It doesn't matter."
"It does to me! Especially if I made them think-- it's not Chad, is it?"
"What, the little guy?" Parker looked appalled.
"So... no, then."
"Isn't he like... eight?"
"Okay, no." She supposed eight was quite a bit younger than twelve... she was pretty sure her little friend Clicker back in Jackson had a crush on her, and he was twelve -- except he's thirteen now... and he's probably forgotten all about me! She felt a little pang in her heart at the thought. Not that she wanted him to... what was it Joel had called it? "Pine away" for her? But it would be nice if he remembered that she existed... maybe even missed her once in a while, especially when playing the Wii... I miss that, too! That was so fun!
"You'd never guess who it is, so don't even try," Parker said... and maybe he didn't mean to make it sound like a challenge, but...
"If you're not gonna tell me, I have to try. There's only so many people it could be!"
"And it's none of those."
"...What? Dude-- okay, is it a guy or a girl? Can you at least tell me that much?"
"A guy."
"Okay -- process of elimination. ...There's still a bunch of people, though. Older than Joel or younger than Joel?"
"Uh... I dunno? Younger, I think. I don't actually know, but... probably, yeah."
That only eliminated four more. "Does he have a wife? Girlfriend? Anyone?"
"This is a waste of time. I already told you--"
"Does he or doesn't he?" Ellie pressed.
"I don't know for sure but I think... no?"
"How do you not know for sure? You've been here longer than me, and I know everyone's--"
"Because I told you -- you can't guess it!" Parker laughed.
"I can and I will! That narrows it down to... well, it eliminates Alex, thank God. That would be awkward!" There was no way Parker didn't know about Alex and Nina. Alex fucking CAME HERE to be with her!
"Awkward? Why?"
"Cuz he's friends with Joel, for one thing... plus his sister Sophie is like my sister so he's practically my brother! Okay, so... oh! It's Jeff! Isn't it! Ha!" No wonder Joel was jealous! He could tell that Jeff--
"Nope."
"...Oh. Damn." She wondered if Joel knew the person. Would he not share that information with her? Wouldn't he want to warn her away from him? Unless he thought doing so might only push her toward the dude. Like, in Jackson, Joel didn't want her hanging around Max -- even though Max so did not have a thing for her -- and that dislike had totally made her want to be Max's friend, for some strange reason. Well, since we're playing A Gazillion Questions-- "Does Joel know who it is?"
"I'm telling you -- neither one of you knows who it is. I don't mean it's someone so weird that you'd never guess. I mean like... you literally do not know this person."
"Oh. Dude, you could have said that."
"I tried!"
Yeah, right! He seemed to be enjoying this little game toooooo much. "Uh... okay, if I don't know this person... how does he know me?" The more she learned, the less sense it made!
"He doesn't."
"He... what?" Ellie laughed. "I thought you said... ugh, maybe you'd better just fucking tell me what you're talking about, because I'm still totally lost. Unless you get off on torturing me... and I'm starting to suspect that you do."
Parker chuckled, too. "Sorry. I guess you've earned it now, after all this. The guy... he wants to know you."
...What a bizarre thing to say! Ellie had never heard of such a thing. "Why?!"
"Uh... I dunno? You're like his 'type,' I guess?"
"What type is that? Like... how does he even know anything about me?"
"He doesn't." Parker sighed. "It's my fault. I mentioned you to... someone else, a little while ago. But I didn't think anything of it, you know? Just that it was cool to have someone my age around... I didn't know he'd go tell anyone else about it."
"Who did you mention it to? Not... someone who lives with us? Who else would you even see?"
"My boyfriend. And no, he doesn't live with--"
"I didn't know you had a boyfriend!" Ellie cried, keenly aware that he was gauging or judging her reaction to this little bomb he'd finally dropped. "Fuck -- if I'd known that, I never would've jumped to the wrong conclusion before. Why doesn't he live in the resort? Where is he?"
"He's, uh... at the base. Where we get our shit from. He got me these new lures, actually." Parker frowned over Ellie's head at the fishing line. "Which I thought would work better, but obviously... psh, maybe we are being too noisy."
The wheels in Ellie's brain were spinning in full motion now. "So he's a soldier! How often do you get to see him? How did you even get together in the first place? Why is it a big secret? Or... yeah, it's at least kind of a secret, because you said you weren't sure how many people know, right? Why haven't you at least invited him to a campfire or something? So we can all meet him?"
Parker held up a hand. "Whoa... slow down. Uh... why can't you meet him? Because... it's not like that. I don't even think he'd come, if I asked."
"O...kay... why not? If he's your boyfriend..."
"Yeah but like... we have separate lives. It's not like you and Joel."
Man... the more he talks, the more questions I have! "How can he be your boyfriend and... not really be in your life?"
"Well... he's older... that's part of it..."
"How old?" Ellie gave him a withering look; there was no way she didn't have him beat in the age-difference category!
"Twenty-eight."
"Pffff -- that's nothing! Twelve years?"
"More like eleven. I'll be seventeen soon."
Ellie snickered to herself because she played the same sort of rounding games with Joel. And it made zero difference. So why do we do it? Haha. "Dude, I don't know if you've noticed? But Joel is way older than that, and no one here gives a flying fuck."
"But they did in Jacksonville. Right?"
"Jackson," she corrected him. "Yeah, they would, if they knew... huh, now I know why you were so interested in that. In us. I just thought you were curious, but you were sort of comparing, weren't you? Taking notes?" And Joel thought he might be interested in ME because of that? Ha! I can't wait to tell him how wrong he was!
"Not really... I dunno. Caleb's different."
"Caleb... that's a nice name," Ellie decided. "Have you ever asked him to come to dinner or anything? Or to come visit you? Wait -- does he come visit you? In your room?"
"No! No no, we always go there."
"We? Isn't he already there?"
"Me, I mean. I go there."
Ellie supposed it was a simple mistake, if he was thinking about the two of them being a couple or something... but he seemed kind of sheepish about it. Like there was something more to it. I'll ignore it for now-- "Why can't he ever come here?"
"He just... can't. He wouldn't, even if I asked."
"Why not?"
"I told you... it's not like that."
"Not like what?!"
"Not... you know. That would be too weird."
"Why?"
"Well... I mean, pretty much all we do is get baked in his bunk."
Ellie quirked an eyebrow. "That's all?"
"You know what I mean."
"No. I really don't." This whole thing just sounded so... strange.
He rolled his eyes. "Yes, we fuck. I mean, that's obvious, right? Besides that -- we smoke... we might talk a little when we're high but if not, then... we fuck a lot, okay?"
Ellie wasn't going to press him for details... although, she was curious as fuck... NO, WHAT THEY DO IS PRIVATE, she berated herself. "Do you sleep over there?"
"No. Only if I doze off. But I'm not supposed to."
"Do you want to?" She couldn't imagine fucking Joel and then just trotting off to go sleep somewhere else.
"If I'm tired, I guess? But I just sleep late the next day so no biggie."
She did see him roll into the cafeteria mid-morning sometimes... like when me and Joel sleep in. Or when we 'sleep in,' wink wink. Hee! "So like... you fuck and then just leave, most of the time?"
"Well, I usually hang out a couple hours."
"How often?"
"At least once a week. Usually it's more, but that's the minimum."
She thought 'minimum' was an odd word choice, like there was a requirement or something? but she understood what he meant. "So when we don't see you all day, does that mean you're... with him?"
"During the daytime? No. I do actually like spending time on my own... you know? When I don't have to like... be anyone. Just me."
Ellie wasn't sure what he meant by that, but it wasn't important right now. "Okay, so... you think he wouldn't wanna come over for dinner? Or campfire." Campfire time was Ellie's favorite part of the day. Not counting going to bed with Joel, at least?
"No way." Parker scrunched up his face. "Like... I can't even imagine it. That would be so weird."
"Why? He could still smoke pot if he wanted to. You do, sometimes." Sometimes it seemed like she and Joel were the only ones who didn't, but Joel said that was just her imagination.
"I know, but... it would just be weird. Sitting there, like..."
"Like what? A couple? Holding hands, maybe?"
Parker laughed. "Yeah... no. We don't do that."
"Because... you don't go anywhere together."
"Yeah."
"Even over there? You just... stay in his room?"
"Uh-huh."
She thought he sounded a bit weary of the subject now. "Sorry... I don't mean to grill you or anything. You can tell me to fuck off if I go too far. I'm just trying to understand... when you say it's not like that... do you love him?"
"Yes."
No hesitation. Good! "Okay... does he love you?"
Parker shrugged. "I mean... I guess? He likes it when I come over."
"But... he's never said it to you. The actual words."
"Nah."
"When you say it to him, does he just--"
"I don't say it to him," Parker chuckled.
"Oh! Maybe he doesn't even know! You should say it, dude. Just tell him." She remembered how long it had taken her and Joel to tell each other!
Parker shook his head. "Shit... if I told him that? He'd prob'ly laugh his ass off."
"No he wouldn't! It's hard to say it the first time, I know, but--"
"You don't even know him. How do you know he wouldn't laugh?"
...Because Joel didn't laugh at ME? She realized that was a lame reason. "Okay, so I don't know for sure. But... he's your boyfriend, right? Like... you had that conversation."
"Uh... a conversation? Not really. I don't know what else to call him. My fuckbuddy? Psh."
Basically, YEAH, from the sound of things. Ellie didn't know what to say to that. Parker didn't seem sad or anything. Maybe I should ask about that... "So... does he make you happy?"
"Of course."
"...You like going over there."
"Yeah. Why wouldn't I?"
"I dunno... I mean, if that's all you're doing... just sex? You did say you talk, though. Right?"
"Sure."
Ellie had kind of been picturing Parker going over there, popping in for a quickie, then leaving immediately after their dicks dried up. If they actually talked, she supposed that was better... and they smoke pot. Don't forget the pot! "Um... do you guys like... kiss and stuff?"
Parker wrinkled his nose. "Kissing's gross."
"What?" Ellie laughed. "How old are you -- ten?"
"I mean, he offered... even though he's not really into it either... I guess we kiss sometimes when we're high? But in general..." He ducked his head and laughed. "I don't know how you got me to tell you all this shit."
Ellie chuckled, too. "I'm just so easy to talk to!"
"You are. It's kinda cool. I've never told anyone about Caleb before."
"Really?" That made Ellie feel even more special! Except it doesn't make sense... "I thought you said you weren't sure how many people knew. How would any of them know, unless you told at least one?"
"I mean... about the whole thing... in general."
"What whole thing?"
"Never mind. I figured you'd be cool cuz... you know. Joel."
"And you don't care if I mention any of this to him?" Ellie wanted Joel to know that they weren't the only 'illegal' couple on the whole fucking planet, as he seemed to believe. "You did say you thought me and him would understand. Both of us. Right? But if you don't want me to say anything--"
"No, it's fine, you can tell him about whatever you want... as long as you think he'd be cool with it. I assume he would be, but you know him better."
"It would be really hypocritical if he wasn't, yeah," Ellie agreed. But right after she said it, she felt a nibble of doubt at the thought. Joel was sort of a hypocrite, sometimes. Or so he described himself. Maybe if I don't tell him EVERYthing... like how Caleb doesn't want to come over here... or how Parker's not sure if the dude even loves him... Ellie hadn't thought much of that at first, due to her experience with Joel in that regard, but on second thought... Ellie had known without a doubt that Joel loved her before he'd ever said it in words. Like... a whole year before. She may have doubted the exact nature of it on occasion (for a while, she had feared that Joel's reluctance to do sexual stuff with her meant that he didn't find her attractive)... and she still, at times, wondered if he would love her forever, the way that she loved him... but she knew with absolute certainty that he loved her.
Maybe Parker's just shy and doesn't want to tell me everything, Ellie reasoned. Guys weren't great at talking about their feelings to begin with... and she and Parker had never talked about any of this shit before.
"I guess I should tell you the rest," Parker continued, as if refuting her silent assessment. "You heard about the two people who disappeared from here, right? Before you got here."
"Yeah. A little. Why?"
"Well... they didn't actually disappear."
"...What do you mean?"
"They left. Because they didn't like what was going on... over there..."
"You mean... they knew about you and Caleb?"
"I don't know what all they knew. I only heard it secondhand. But they tried to interfere or something... I don't know exactly what happened, but it didn't go well, and they left."
Ellie wondered who he'd heard it from, but she could circle back to that. "Fuck. That sounds... ...are you sure they left?"
"Uh... yeah, they're not here anymore, are they?"
"I mean... if they interfered, maybe the soldiers... ?"
"What -- did something to them?" Parker shook his head. "Nope, pretty sure they just left. They came back from there and had some kind of argument with Ray and Jan... and then left." Ray and Jan were like the Tommy and Maria of Golden Sands -- except way more laid back.
"Did you see them? Or that's what you were told?"
"Didn't see them myself, no."
Look at me... suspicious about everything, just like Joel... ha! "So... Ray and Jan know about... whatever."
"Ray, I don't know. But Jan's the one who--" He paused, like he'd thought better of whatever he was about to say. "You're not gonna go ask them about it, are you?"
"No!" Hmm, that's a good idea...
"Good. Don't. You can't tell anyone about this, Ellie, okay? ... ...OKAY?!"
Aww, man... "I won't," she promised. "Except Joel. You said I could tell him, right?"
"You can tell him about Caleb if you want. I don't think Ray and Jan know about him... I've never actually told them, and no one ever sees me leave. Discretion is one of the rules. It's always way after campfire, when I go."
Ellie felt like she was missing important pieces of the puzzle... an overwhelming number of pieces, and she could only look for one at a time in the jumbled mess. "How do you leave? I mean... you can't ring the bell to get back in if you're coming back in the middle of the night, right?" Joel could hear it in his sleep -- and he had, a couple times, when their bedroom window was open. He'd even gone out there to see what was up. He would've told her if he'd heard the thing in the wee hours and it was Parker.
"No, the sundown rule is legit. I know people get back later by mistake sometimes, but... it's not a routine thing. There's a secret way out through the ground floor out front. The actual ground floor, I mean."
"The one that's more like the underground floor?"
"Yeah. That's a better name for it, actually! There's a spot where it looks all boarded up, but it's not... if you know where to go. There's a door." Parker chuckled. "You know, one time Joel fucked that up for us by fixing the board? Him and Alex. They thought it came loose. I had to go unfix it after."
Fuck... MORE pieces to look for! She vaguely recalled Joel mentioning that to her eons ago. "Wait... so anyone can just go in and out down there whenever? It's not locked up?"
"There is a lock. We have to leave it unlocked when we go out. But we're always really careful to lock it when we get back, except when--" Again, he swallowed his words. "There's a system, for that. For the except. But you can kinda pull the board in place behind you so that even if someone Outside was down there at night with a flashlight, they couldn't see anything -- like it wouldn't look like a door they could go through. No one's ever come in that way. Just us."
Oh, Joel would not like that! Ellie wasn't thrilled about it, but... as Joel would say, "when in Rome"? (She had finally gotten him to tell her what the fuck that means!) She couldn't see him applying that motto to this, but she could do so herself. Like Parker said, it had never been an issue before, and these people had lived here for... what, two or three years, at least? Some had been in the area longer... she wasn't sure exactly when the place had evolved into its current state. Anyway, who was she to judge?
But. Back to an earlier 'missing piece'... "You keep saying 'we'..."
Parker nodded. "I figured we'd have to get to that. There's three of us, I think. Three or four. Though actually I'm not sure who all still goes. I think there've been some that start and stop?"
Ellie just looked at him, puzzled. "Dude, what are you talking about?"
"Sorry -- I just feel like... I can tell you about me, but it's up to the others if they wanna say anything. You know? So I can't... give you specifics, basically."
"The others who... sneak out at night?"
"Yeah -- I think some might go in the daytime, too? But they can go the normal way if they want... if it's between sunrise and sunset, basically. When Ray is around. That's why I think he might know everything. Maybe you should ask him if you wanna know more." Parker squirmed a little... like he was starting to get uncomfortable or something. "Except... then he'd know someone told you..."
Ellie chuckled. "I don't, like... want to know more. I barely talk to Ray, really." And usually when she did, Joel was with her. Yeah, I can see it now... "Joel, excuse me, but I really need to talk to this old dude in PRIVATE, and I can't tell you what's up. You don't mind, do you?" ...and suddenly she remembered another line of questioning she'd dropped -- she'd gotten a little distracted, questioning Parker about his boyfriend! "What I really wanna know is... what's the deal with this guy who wants to... know me?" That's so weird!
"Yeah... well... I'm supposed to bring you with me some night." Again, he seemed to be ready to weigh her reaction...
"What -- when you go over there to see Caleb? You want me to tag along? Would I get to meet him? Caleb, I mean." She couldn't help sounding eager at the prospect. Maybe Joel is rubbing off on me? Like... I just wanna see if Parker's boyfriend is an okay guy or not...
"Nah. You'd just... go see the guy."
"The guy that likes me. Even though he doesn't know me."
"Yep."
"Just... go hang out in his room?"
"Pretty much." Parker shook his head. "Just forget it. You already said no, so--"
"I know, but... I wanna know how this works. Is that... is that how you met Caleb? Someone brought you?"
"Uh-huh. ~Special request.~"
O...kay? "So... how long before you guys were boyfriends? Seems like it's not the easiest way to get to know a person."
"It was that same night." Parker snickered a little... and she was kind of getting a you're-so-cute vibe off him now. Like the kind she got from Joel when he was secretly laughing at her. "See, I knew I shouldn't've told you all this."
"What? Why? What have I not been cool about?" She'd been awesome about everything!
"You're cool, you're just... I feel like I'm corrupting you or something."
Ugh! How could anyone think she wasn't corrupt now that she wasn't even a fucking virgin anymore?! "Dude -- I'm already corrupted! I was partly corrupt before, and Joel took care of the rest."
Parker was still too amused for her liking. "The rest? I don't think so. I don't think you're getting the full picture here."
Ellie refrained from screaming, but she couldn't help voicing her irritation. "Well, maybe I would if you'd just fucking tell me in a normal--"
"I did! I didn't spell out all the letters... er... however you say that... but it's okay -- I actually had no idea until I went and saw for myself."
Uuuggghhh-- "Saw what for yourself? I mean... you're making it sound like... ...-You said you love this guy. Caleb. Right?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. So... no one's forcing you to..."
"No. I'm not like... a prostitute or whatever."
"Of course not! I didn't say that."
"I know. But... I'm not. It's just Caleb. And it was my choice. I just want you to know that."
"Okay." Oh man... she kind of hated how she kept hearing Joel's voice in her head, making her question the legitimacy of this whole thing the way Parker was laying it out, but... "Can I ask... how old were you? The first time."
"The first time I went over there? Fifteen."
Same as me! That was a good thing, she thought. If she was old enough to decide such things for herself, then he had to be old enough, too, or she was a big fat fucking hypocrite. ...Right? Except... Parker's boyfriend isn't my sweet amazing wonderful JOEL, so...
"We didn't actually fuck for... a while, if that's what you're wondering," said Parker, like--
Did he just read my mind? "Oh. Um, it's really none of my business..."
"It's okay. That first night... he just gave me head."
Oh wow, okay, be cool, Ellie, don't blush like a stupid--
Parker smiled... probably because she was indeed blushing like an idiot. "Sorry, it just seemed like you really wanted to hear how--"
"No, I do! I mean... it's cool. Whatever you feel comfortable sharing." It was weird, having a 'girl' chat -- like the ones she had with Sophie -- with a guy. But she could never quite bring herself to share really intimate details with Sophie. She knew Sophie wouldn't mind... wouldn't be offended or anything. In fact, she would probably enjoy it. Just... that stuff is private! And Ellie would bet her life that Joel didn't go around dishing out details on the stuff they did in bed together, either. She couldn't even imagine it. Even though everyone here knew they were fucking. Maybe it's different with guys, though? ...MOST guys. Not MY guy. He's one of a kind. "So... that's it? You didn't... you know... do anything to him?"
"Nope. That was it. I was nervous at first, but then like... I didn't even need the weed to relax. It was awesome. I mean, I never... that was the first time I'd ever done anything sex-like, with someone else. Or had it done to me, I guess is more accurate. He asked if I wanted to come back, and I was like hell yeah I wanna come back!"
Ellie smiled; she remembered that exciting sign me up! feeling. It wasn't too long ago that she'd been there with Joel, even though it sort of felt like forever ago now. Okay, so they're not TOTALLY unlike me and Joel... She couldn't help wondering something, though. "And... eventually you started having sex, you said. But did you ever... er... do you ever..."
"Huh?"
"...You know. Suck him off?" she whispered. As if the fishies might be scandalized. ...as if they're even around!
"Of course. We've been together a long time, you know."
"Right. So... he doesn't think you're too young for that?" she asked dubiously.
"Psh. No? I mean... we're fucking..."
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean... I thought maybe since you're only... um, okay, yeah never mind. So--"
"Wait. Why did you ask me that... and then get all weird about it?" He was all amused again. "Is that what Joel tells you?"
Ellie ducked her head. Fuck! "No, I was just... forget it, okay? Did you--"
"It's okay," Parker said (...and his fucking "it's okay"s were really starting to get on her nerves!). "I'm sure it's just different with girls."
Or Joel is just a total prude about it?! ...But the remark turned her thoughts in yet another direction. "Have you... ever been with a girl?"
"No."
"...Cuz you don't want to?"
"I mean... maybe if a cool one came along? I don't have anything against girls..."
"Caleb wouldn't mind?"
"He's told me he wouldn't care if I had a girlfriend. I think... maybe he's had girlfriends here and there, you know? But he prefers... he says it's better with me."
"And if a ~cool boy~ came along instead? Would he mind that?"
"He doesn't want me to be with anyone else at the base -- which is cool cuz I don't wanna be? -- but that's... different. Like... not real life. In real life, he prob'ly wouldn't care, I guess. But I think I'd be more likely to find a girl."
Yeah, opposite-sex couples far outnumbered same-sex ones everywhere Ellie had been, too. "Right. So... when did you know you were in love with him?"
"When did I know? Um... that's a good question. Maybe it was love at first sight? Or... love at first blow... heh. The sex was the main reason I wanted to be with him, obviously."
...OBVIOUSLY... and it sounds like it's still the ONLY reason, really... ick. Ellie was trying to still be cool, but she couldn't help being a little skeeved out. The more she learned about Caleb, the less he seemed like Joel. But... maybe she wasn't being fair. It sounds like they have to keep their relationship secret from the other soldiers, at least? So what are they supposed to do, other than hang out in Caleb's room and fuck? Go for a moonlit stroll?
Actually... they could do that. Maybe then, they could hold hands?
"You still seem like... confused," Parker observed.
"No, I'm just... trying to imagine what it was like... in the beginning. Did you know what was up, when you went over there? I mean... how did he even know he would like you?"
"He saw me. He saw me on the beach, but I didn't really notice him. Just knew there were soldiers looking around. And before you ask why you've never seen any -- they don't come around anymore. They were asked not to. I think because of the kids... after the kids came here."
"Oh." She didn't see what the kids had to do with anything, but whatever-- "So he didn't talk to you. Just saw you... and liked what he saw."
"I guess." He gave her a measured look. "I take it things were different with you and Joel."
"Uh... yeah." She couldn't even imagine Joel in Caleb's place... just scoping out the beach for a nice piece of ass... then having someone escort her to his bunk without even speaking to her. Fuck SPEAKING -- Parker said he didn't even notice Caleb, so they didn't even make eye contact! That was just... so...
But it WAS Parker's choice, Ellie reminded herself. He wasn't forced. He could've said no. ...Just like I told him no when he asked me earlier. "So... the guy that likes me. If I went over there with you, he'd... expect me to do stuff with him. Sex stuff."
"Yeah." Parker snickered. "He's not looking for a friend, Ellie."
"Yeah, I get that, it's just... I mean, don't you think it's kinda weird?"
Parker shrugged. "What's normal anyway, right? If you want, I can get Caleb to ask him what he'd expect the first--"
"No! Fuck no. I'm not... interested," Ellie shuddered.
"Right... um, maybe it would be a little different, since you're a girl. What if you didn't have sex with him? Then would you be interested maybe?"
"Of course not." ...like I'd be HALFWAY interested or something? Oral only? Eww!
"You sure? What if like... all he wants you to do is get naked so he can look at you and... he does it all himself -- you don't touch him and he doesn't touch you. Would that--"
"What would I even get out of that?" Gross! "Why did you go, that first time? Were you just horny or what?" She had to steer Parker away from the disgusting topic of her being with this creep!
"I guess? But... we do get stuff, too. Since you mentioned it. Like... actual stuff. Where do you think it all comes from?"
"Um... I know it comes from the base. They trade for the pot. And maybe some other stuff. Boat maintenance or something?"
Parker snorted. "That's the front, sure. But the truth is they can grow their own. There's tons of it around. And there's nothing we could do for them that they can't do themselves. It's the other stuff they want."
"...Sex."
"You got it. Finally."
Ellie bristled. "Well... I'm sorry to say, that does kind of make you a whore. If you're--"
"I'm only with Caleb. That's it. And I want to be. A whore would be more like... someone who'll fuck anyone."
She was starting to feel a little sick to her stomach. She couldn't tell if it was from motion sickness catching up to her, or the horrible turn this conversation had taken. "Is that what the other people are who do this? Whores? Giving it away for... fucking fishing lures, and--"
"I'm the only one who got the lures. Caleb knows I like fishing. But it's not just that. It's gas for the boats. Toothbrushes and toothpaste. You guys benefit, too, see. It's a community thing. Didn't I see Joel with some new sunglasses the other day? Where do you think those came from?"
What?! Oh man, if Joel knew... "I don't believe this. You're telling me... everything we have, that we don't get for ourselves..."
"I don't know all the details. Everyone benefits, but we get extra. Caleb gives me alcohol. Like, actual bottles of it."
Ellie wrinkled her nose. "That shit makes me sick. ...What if he didn't give you anything? Would you still do it?"
"Yeah. It's not like he gives me stuff every time anymore."
"...So he did at first?"
"He didn't have to. I was hooked on the sex." Parker didn't sound ashamed or anything. Like he was just stating a fact.
"On getting your dick sucked, you mean." She could say it without blushing now.
"Yep. Best thing ever. If you had one, you'd feel like that, too."
THEN WHY DOESN'T JOEL LET ME FUCKING-- UUGGGHHH! Never mind that now... Ellie was still dumbfounded by the whoring. Maybe Parker didn't think of it that way now, but it had definitely started out that way. Exchanging sex for stuff was prostitution, whether it was with one person or twenty, the way Ellie understood it. So he was a monogamous whore instead of a slutty one... it doesn't matter! "Man... you said there's three or four others who do this?"
"At least."
"Why doesn't everyone have to do it? If it's FOR THE GROUP and all."
"Uh... same reason we get to eat food we didn't go out and get ourselves?"
"So like... it's just a job."
"Yeah. And it's all voluntary. I'm pretty sure not everyone would do it." He snorted. "And not to be mean, but not everyone would be... like... welcome over there?"
Ellie understood. They want the young and pretty... and mostly girls, I bet. Women, not men. But it's not like there's lots of people like that at the resort? Everyone's kinda old. ...Oh my God-- Now she knew where Sylvia went late at night! She didn't even have to ask Sophie after all--
--Fuck. Is SOPHIE doing this, too? She's not a whore! And yet... Ellie could see her maybe falling into a Parker/Caleb situation. If she found a guy she liked. She likes sex, and she doesn't need to love the guy to do it with him... but she said me and Joel went about things the RIGHT way -- waiting forever to have sex. She said that's what SHE wanted, too. Not the forever-waiting, really, but getting to know and love the guy first. And would she bother helping out in the kitchen if she had this other job? Whereas Sylvia didn't do anything that benefited the community -- she was a mother to those kids. And not even a good one, really... and she never seems happy... is it really voluntary? Parker had said some people stopped going, which made it sound like there was a choice.
Anyway, Ellie knew Sophie hadn't slept with anyone since they'd arrived. Sophie had promised to tell her if she did! ...Would she tell me THIS? Maybe I should see what Sophie thinks before I tell Joel... fuck, maybe I shouldn't even tell Joel at all!
Ellie... really did not feel good.
Parker was studying her. "You look a little..."
"...green? I think maybe I need to stick my head over the side for a minute..." Stomach roiling, Ellie leaned as far over as she dared... and nothing happened. She stared at the waves right under her face. Dark green and murky-looking... the diamonds were gone, at this angle. She knew they were just an illusion in the first place: the sun's rays reflecting off the surface. Not like there were actual gems in the water. It's so pretty from far away... so ugly up close. FUCK--
"Want me to take you back?" Parker offered.
"No..." She stared at the water for another minute before slithering back down in her seat -- all the way down, so her head was level with the sea... but she could lean back, this way. Hey, we stopped moving... "Did you stop the boat for me?"
"Yeah... did it help?"
She shrugged.
"Here. Maybe this will help?" He handed her the thermos.
"Thanks." She took a swig. At least I don't feel like I'm gonna hurl now, but... "Maybe I should go back. Sorry."
"It's okay. This area sucks anyway. Or maybe the fish can hear better than I thought. Damn, I really wanted to catch an albacore. Maybe I'll drop you off and try that way... more to the north."
Ellie re-did her ponytail (though she kind of wondered why she bothered, with the wind still trying to play with it), then closed her eyes and slumped even farther into her seat. Just... ugh, how the fuck does Parker even KNOW he's in love with Caleb? If all they do is fuck... and he's never been with anyone else. Maybe he's confusing sex with love. I could see that. And if he's getting high... or getting drunk... like, how much of their relationship is even REAL? He even said it himself -- it's not 'real life' over there. It's NOTHING like me and Joel. I'm so lucky! I wish everyone could be as lucky as me.
"Ellie..."
She opened her eyes and took in the worried look on Parker's face. "What? What is it?"
"It won't start."
"What do you mean 'it won't start'?"
"I mean, it won't start. I think we ran out of gas."
"Are you serious right now?!" He looked serious. "Great. That's just fucking wonderful. Isn't there a spare gas can on this thing?" Not that it would fucking fit anywhere...
"Usually? But there isn't right now. I don't know what happened to it."
Oh man... "Fuck! So what do we do?"
"We keep fishing, I guess. ...At least we won't starve?"
"I'm not eating raw fish!" If she thought she felt sick now--
"No, I mean I brought some snacks. There's like... seeds... grapes..."
"I'm not hungry anyway. Fuck... you really need to get this thing moving again, somehow. I need to get back before Joel does."
Parker shook his head. "I can't. No gas... no oars, or paddles... good thing we told Jan where we were going cuz I'm pretty sure we're stuck here."
"You mean they're gonna have to come find us?"
"Yeah."
"When will they do that? How long will they-- fuck, you told her you'd be out most of the day!"
"But you didn't. You said like an hour, right? Maybe--"
Ellie groaned. "She's just going to assume I changed my mind and decided to stay with you longer. Fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuck!" She shouted that last bit -- just because she could.
Maybe Joel wouldn't wait that long. Maybe he had already gone back to check on her or something -- he hadn't gone that far away, after all -- unlike ME -- fuck! -- and then freaked out when he couldn't find her. He would ask around, find out where she went, and hunt her down.
...Or would he? Maybe he would just think that this was her plan all along -- ditch him 'til dark. Like she would ever do that on purpose! He knows I wouldn't... right?! Or maybe he would view it as good practice at being separated... part of the fucking experiment--
Oh God--
She leaped up and lurched to the side just in time to stick her head out and empty the watery contents of her turbulent stomach overboard. The relentless little waves were mocking her anguish, lapping at her face while the boat rocked.
Usually she felt better after puking... but this time, Ellie felt utterly wretched.
~Continue to Chapter 4~
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,536
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
~
Parker's boat of choice was the tiniest one Ellie had ever seen. She hadn't been out on the water all winter... she and Joel had both been put off of boating when they'd gotten hit by a storm fierce enough to nearly capsize them (in a bigger boat than this!). But today was turning into a nice sunny day, and Ellie wasn't worried about storms. Just... the boat was so fucking small. It was the only one Parker felt confident driving, though, and he claimed that, despite its diminutive size, it had everything necessary for deep sea fishing.
Ironically, Ellie felt relaxed for the first time once they were flying across the water. Maybe not relaxed so much as... not so anxious about the water? The wind whipping her hair (yanking some of it loose from her ponytail, as she hadn't had time to go persuade Sophie to braid it for her), the salty spray of the ocean foam misting her face... it was like they were running across the water, so low that they were practically level with it. The flying sensation was akin to riding a galloping horse.
She didn't even attempt to speak to Parker until he turned off the engine. "So this is a good spot?" she asked.
"We're not gonna stay here," he replied. He only had one fishing rod, so there wasn't much for Ellie to do other than offer to help him bait the hook -- and of course he didn't need her help with that.
"Um... I guess we're not, cuz we're still moving," she observed. She had to move out of the way for him to stick the rod in one of the holders behind her, at the 'butt' of the boat.
"Just trolling," he said as if that clarified things.
Whatever that means? "I saw you switch off the engine, though, so..."
"It's a whole different motor. It's quiet, see, so it doesn't scare off the fish." He finished fiddling with the rod, then switched places with Ellie again, putting her back in her original spot. He claimed it was better if he was facing the rod so he could see if the fishing line jerked. Ellie preferred to face forward anyway, so that worked out nicely. They both could have sat on the same side, but the boat was so small that it would have been a bit too cozy. Like she would probably only sit that way if she was with Joel. Sitting on the bench seats properly put them down even lower, aligning them pretty much flush with the surface of the water (although she wasn't close enough to the side to touch it). The square hole deal in the middle of the boat reminded her of 'the pit' in the library back home, where the wide steps were intended to serve as multi-level seating -- only the boat was waaaay smaller than that. She could recall times when like twenty or thirty people had gathered in the pit, and this boat could maybe hold four, max. Perhaps five if someone stayed at the wheel the whole time. That's kinda proportional to the population of the two towns, really... though calling Golden Sands a town might be pushing it...
Ellie wondered how long she should wait before trying to coax a secret or two out of Parker, who seemed perfectly content to just sit there and not say a word. She could at least try to get him to open up about whatever he'd been trying to tell her. I DID say I'd be quiet... but I also don't want to waste this opportunity to have a good talk at last... who knows when the next one will come? "Will it scare the fish if I whisper?" she whispered after enduring a few silent minutes.
"You can talk normal," he replied... all normal-like. "I don't even know if there's any fish around here. Might take a while to get a bite."
Ellie slouched more comfortably in her seat, admiring the way the brilliant sunlight dappled the waves. The 'diamonds' that had captured her fancy from the moment she'd first laid eyes on them last fall surrounded her now. She felt very... small. But not in a bad way. She had remembered to put sunscreen on, and Parker had brought a bottle of the stuff -- just for her, she suspected, because his skin was much tanner than hers. Joel said everyone was supposed to use it, though, not just the fair and freckled like herself (but did he use it himself? No! He wanted to conserve it all for her).
She decided that since Parker hadn't told her to shut up when she'd asked about whispering, it was basically the same thing as being given permission to talk. "Can I ask you something?"
"No."
Ellie blinked. That was fast! "Okay."
Parker chuckled. "Kidding. I already know what you're gonna ask."
"No you don't! I was gonna ask... about when you start to tell me something and then change your mind. I'm not asking you what it is, just... what stops you from talking about it? Is it... cuz you don't trust me?"
"Um... no, that's not really it."
"...Then what?" she prompted after a moment. Is he gonna make me play twenty questions like Joel does sometimes? Except with Joel, make that FIFTY questions.
"It's more like... I actually don't know how many people around here know, and how many don't. I think you're with the 'don't's."
Ellie snorted. "I'm totally with the don'ts, whatever it is. Dude, I have no idea what you're talking about. None. Zero. Enlighten me, please."
"Well but then I think... maybe it's better if you don't. Like... you're too... ..."
"Too what?"
"I dunno."
Being 'too' anything usually wasn't good -- the exception being Joel calling her too sexy, perhaps? -- so Ellie couldn't help bristling a little. "Whatever too you think I am, I'm not. Do you think that I like... won't understand, or something?"
Parker took a moment to answer, like he was mulling it over. "Actually... you and Joel might be the only ones who do understand. I guess that's why I keep almost-telling you."
The 'and Joel' threw her a little. So the problem isn't that Joel's always around! What the fuck? "But you've never almost-told me when Joel's right there," she pointed out.
"No... you're easier to talk to."
"I am," she agreed. She personally found Joel very easy to talk to, most of the time... more and more as time went by. But she liked to think of talking to him with ease as her own personal superpower. "If you want him to know, you can tell me and I can tell him..."
"Well... it's sort of a three-parter. I think that... you guys might be okay with the first two parts. Just not the third."
Ellie considered this. "Okay, so can you just tell me the two good parts?"
He chuckled at that. "It's the third part that makes me keep almost-telling you, actually."
What? Now her curiosity was really piqued! "Are you in some kind of trouble?"
"No."
"Cuz if you are--"
"I'm not."
It SOUNDS like he's telling the truth... but she wasn't that adept at sniffing out lies sometimes. "And you keep not-telling me because... you don't think I should know. For some reason. Is it something... embarrassing?"
"No. I mean... ... -No." He leaned back on his hands and looked at her... thoughtfully?
"Kind of embarrassing?" she ventured. "Shameful?"
"No -- it has nothing to do with me. It's about you."
"What? Dude -- if it's about me, then I should definitely know! Don't you think?!" She sat up straighter. Leaned forward, even.
"Not if-- er..." Parker frowned at her knee. "I guess I don't know you well enough... to know how you would take it."
"Trust me. I can take anything," she declared.
He glanced at her. "Don't know about that. You don't even know what it is."
"Exactly! So tell me!"
This nonsense went on for the next several minutes. She didn't get the sense that Parker was annoyed by her persistence. In fact, she felt like she could eventually wear him down, as long as she managed not to lose every last ounce of patience and throttle it out of him. He did agree that if she guessed it, he'd tell her if she was right. The problem was she had no idea what to even guess! She'd been curious before, but now, knowing that it wasn't some deep dark secret of Parker's but that it actually concerned her... she just fucking had to know.
Finally, he said he would tell her. That he could tell her the third part first and then kind of back into the other two parts from there. Only, he really felt that he should tell the second part first, otherwise she might get 'skeeved out' by the whole thing.
Basically, the more he talked, the more confused she became.
"Okay, I have an idea," she said, amazed at how calm and patient she sounded when she felt anything but. "You said you didn't know if you knew me well enough, to know what I'd think about this thing. Right? Well... can you just think of one thing -- or a couple things? I dunno -- whatever it is you really need to know about me... to decide that. Just ask me, and if I answer correctly, you know you can tell me."
Parker laughed... but it was a nervous laugh, not a you're-so-ridiculous laugh. "That's... uh... well, for one thing, there's not a right or wrong answer? It's more like... your opinion. Your views on... things."
"Okay, whatever -- if my opinion doesn't line up the right way with your thing, then..." Then what? I can't drop this now! She would have to figure out what the 'right' answer was to unlock the mystery (because of course there was a fucking right answer!). "Just think about it. Can you think of one question you could ask me that would help you figure it out?"
"Oh, that's easy. Yep."
Ellie waited. ...Okay, so... "Um... then fucking ask me already?!" she laughed.
Parker seemed to be chewing on the words now, at least... trying to find the right combo to spit out... but the waiting was driving her crazy! You would think that being with Joel would've taught me a thing or two about PATIENCE-- but apparently it hadn't.
"It's easy to think of it, harder to ask it," Parker said. After all that waiting.
"Can you just... try?!?!"
"...I don't wanna upset you."
"You won't!" she assured him.
"You... already seem kinda pissed."
"I'm not!" ...Gee, what could've given him THAT idea?!
"And now you might actually be scaring the fish away," he teased (at least, she thought he was just teasing?).
"Fuck the fish! Can you just. Fucking. TELL ME. Please -- I'm dying here."
He smiled apologetically. "Sorry. Okay. Um... you know how you're with Joel."
Ellie waited for the question, but there wasn't one. "Yeah. I'm with Joel. So?"
"And you... you love him and everything."
She didn't know what the "and everything" encompassed, but-- "Of course I do."
"Okay. Right. What if... do you think you might ever feel that way... about someone else? A new person?"
...the FUCK? "What? That's... no! Of course not! I just told you, I love Joel."
"I know! But..."
"Do you mean after he's gone? Cuz I know he's old-- older, okay? You don't have to fucking tell me that. Just cuz he's older--"
"No, Ellie, that's not--"
"--doesn't mean he's old. He's gonna be around like another fifty years!"
"Okay! I get it," he said... but then immediately looked puzzled. "Fifty years? Isn't he like--"
"He's going to live forever, okay?!"
"Right. Whatever. That's not what I was getting at. Not after. I mean at the same time as Joel."
This is fucked up! "What... love someone else? Like... now?"
"Yeah. Not literally at the same time, like with both of them there... ...unless you guys are into that, I guess. But yeah. Having more than one... partner, or whatever."
"No! No fucking way! That's like... no." Ellie was so appalled, she almost found herself speechless (quite the rarity, that!).
"Okay, well... I got my answer, then. You don't need to hear the rest."
She'd nearly forgotten this thing was threefold. "Yes I do! I'm not upset. I was surprised, that's all. I still wanna know what the thing is. The three things."
"There's no point. But at least now I know I tried..."
Ellie got the impression he was saying that last bit more to himself than to her. And that's when it dawned on her-- Oh my GOD. I'm such a fucking idiot! How did I not see it before? How did I miss the signs? And I thought JOEL was clueless about this shit... I am, too! Wait... I STILL don't see signs. I can't think of any. Other than like... right now, with him being like weirdly shy about asking me stuff. But it never seemed like he was going out of his way to spend time with me or anything... and he never touches me... except like helping me into the boat, I guess? But that's not the same thing. What did that one article say? -the ARM, that's right. That's what people touch to show they're interested. Or they did in olden times. ...But how would Parker even KNOW that?! How would he know... ANY of it? How to go about showing interest, or ~making a move~... he wouldn't. He's been here since the beginning, so he couldn't have been older than, what... thirteen or fourteen? Okay, fourteen or fifteen, more like. No one his own age around the whole time. I don't know about before. I guess he might've had a girlfriend before... or boyfriend... not sure why I've always assumed he was gay. But now... I mean, he might like both. It doesn't matter. What matters is I was a total jerk to him just now! He was trying to tell me how he feels and I practically bit his head off. …Although he really did go about it COMPLETELY the wrong way. Starting off like that... it immediately put me on the defensive. Like he was questioning my love for Joel. People here think a bit differently than back home, that's for sure. I took it like an insult, but... I mean, I KNOW certain people here are fucking people besides the ones they're 'with.' Joel knows it, too. But he doesn't know that I know, and I don't WANT him to, cuz then he might think we should like... I dunno... maybe try doing that too? Or feel like he's 'holding me back' in some way -- GOD I fucking hate it when he thinks that. ANYWAYS -- we don't talk about it... aside from Sylvia... I still need to get the dirt on her... she's not with anyone so it must be the other person who is... -but whatever. FOCUS, Ellie. Back to Parker. I should say something to him. Apologize, maybe? I mean... how long has he been hiding these feelings, and then I just... he must be like DEVASTATED right now...
"You okay?" he asked her -- he asked her!
"Yeah! Fine. Um, are you?" -Duh, of COURSE he's not! What a stupid--
"It's just weird... you being quiet all of a sudden."
He didn't seem to be avoiding eye contact or anything... and he seemed okay. Maybe he's tougher than I give him credit for? "Parker... I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For sort of... freaking out like that. I was just... surprised."
"No worries."
She frowned. "No, I feel bad. I'm... flattered. Really. You seem really nice and everything... it's just... you know. I'm with Joel. And I'm not just with him, I'm like... crazy-in-love-'with' him. Ugh, am I making it worse? I guess you prob'ly don't wanna hear--" Ellie cut herself off, surprised at the expression on Parker's face. "What's so funny?"
"You think... that I...?" He was clearly suppressing laughter.
She felt her face turn red. "That you what?"
He looked thoughtful again. Or as thoughtful as a person can look while smirking, anyway. "Yeah... okay, I see why you would think... Man. I really botched that."
"Botched what?" What was there to botch if he didn't actually have a crush on her?
"It's not me. I'm not--" He paused and finally let a real laugh escape.
"You're... not in love with me," Ellie surmised.
"Nope. You can relax."
"I am relaxed."
"I mean... you know. I didn't bring you out here to..."
"I invited myself along," she reminded him. "Well, fuck. I thought I had it figured out, and now nothing makes sense again. The way you said that... it's not you. Does that mean it's someone else?"
Parker shook his head, chuckling. "You already answered the question, so--"
"But someone else likes me? Like that?! ...WHO?" Ellie couldn't think of anyone at the resort who had ever looked at her all... lustful-like, or had tried to flirt with her... but maybe she was just oblivious? Blinded by her devotion to Joel?
"It doesn't matter."
"It does to me! Especially if I made them think-- it's not Chad, is it?"
"What, the little guy?" Parker looked appalled.
"So... no, then."
"Isn't he like... eight?"
"Okay, no." She supposed eight was quite a bit younger than twelve... she was pretty sure her little friend Clicker back in Jackson had a crush on her, and he was twelve -- except he's thirteen now... and he's probably forgotten all about me! She felt a little pang in her heart at the thought. Not that she wanted him to... what was it Joel had called it? "Pine away" for her? But it would be nice if he remembered that she existed... maybe even missed her once in a while, especially when playing the Wii... I miss that, too! That was so fun!
"You'd never guess who it is, so don't even try," Parker said... and maybe he didn't mean to make it sound like a challenge, but...
"If you're not gonna tell me, I have to try. There's only so many people it could be!"
"And it's none of those."
"...What? Dude-- okay, is it a guy or a girl? Can you at least tell me that much?"
"A guy."
"Okay -- process of elimination. ...There's still a bunch of people, though. Older than Joel or younger than Joel?"
"Uh... I dunno? Younger, I think. I don't actually know, but... probably, yeah."
That only eliminated four more. "Does he have a wife? Girlfriend? Anyone?"
"This is a waste of time. I already told you--"
"Does he or doesn't he?" Ellie pressed.
"I don't know for sure but I think... no?"
"How do you not know for sure? You've been here longer than me, and I know everyone's--"
"Because I told you -- you can't guess it!" Parker laughed.
"I can and I will! That narrows it down to... well, it eliminates Alex, thank God. That would be awkward!" There was no way Parker didn't know about Alex and Nina. Alex fucking CAME HERE to be with her!
"Awkward? Why?"
"Cuz he's friends with Joel, for one thing... plus his sister Sophie is like my sister so he's practically my brother! Okay, so... oh! It's Jeff! Isn't it! Ha!" No wonder Joel was jealous! He could tell that Jeff--
"Nope."
"...Oh. Damn." She wondered if Joel knew the person. Would he not share that information with her? Wouldn't he want to warn her away from him? Unless he thought doing so might only push her toward the dude. Like, in Jackson, Joel didn't want her hanging around Max -- even though Max so did not have a thing for her -- and that dislike had totally made her want to be Max's friend, for some strange reason. Well, since we're playing A Gazillion Questions-- "Does Joel know who it is?"
"I'm telling you -- neither one of you knows who it is. I don't mean it's someone so weird that you'd never guess. I mean like... you literally do not know this person."
"Oh. Dude, you could have said that."
"I tried!"
Yeah, right! He seemed to be enjoying this little game toooooo much. "Uh... okay, if I don't know this person... how does he know me?" The more she learned, the less sense it made!
"He doesn't."
"He... what?" Ellie laughed. "I thought you said... ugh, maybe you'd better just fucking tell me what you're talking about, because I'm still totally lost. Unless you get off on torturing me... and I'm starting to suspect that you do."
Parker chuckled, too. "Sorry. I guess you've earned it now, after all this. The guy... he wants to know you."
...What a bizarre thing to say! Ellie had never heard of such a thing. "Why?!"
"Uh... I dunno? You're like his 'type,' I guess?"
"What type is that? Like... how does he even know anything about me?"
"He doesn't." Parker sighed. "It's my fault. I mentioned you to... someone else, a little while ago. But I didn't think anything of it, you know? Just that it was cool to have someone my age around... I didn't know he'd go tell anyone else about it."
"Who did you mention it to? Not... someone who lives with us? Who else would you even see?"
"My boyfriend. And no, he doesn't live with--"
"I didn't know you had a boyfriend!" Ellie cried, keenly aware that he was gauging or judging her reaction to this little bomb he'd finally dropped. "Fuck -- if I'd known that, I never would've jumped to the wrong conclusion before. Why doesn't he live in the resort? Where is he?"
"He's, uh... at the base. Where we get our shit from. He got me these new lures, actually." Parker frowned over Ellie's head at the fishing line. "Which I thought would work better, but obviously... psh, maybe we are being too noisy."
The wheels in Ellie's brain were spinning in full motion now. "So he's a soldier! How often do you get to see him? How did you even get together in the first place? Why is it a big secret? Or... yeah, it's at least kind of a secret, because you said you weren't sure how many people know, right? Why haven't you at least invited him to a campfire or something? So we can all meet him?"
Parker held up a hand. "Whoa... slow down. Uh... why can't you meet him? Because... it's not like that. I don't even think he'd come, if I asked."
"O...kay... why not? If he's your boyfriend..."
"Yeah but like... we have separate lives. It's not like you and Joel."
Man... the more he talks, the more questions I have! "How can he be your boyfriend and... not really be in your life?"
"Well... he's older... that's part of it..."
"How old?" Ellie gave him a withering look; there was no way she didn't have him beat in the age-difference category!
"Twenty-eight."
"Pffff -- that's nothing! Twelve years?"
"More like eleven. I'll be seventeen soon."
Ellie snickered to herself because she played the same sort of rounding games with Joel. And it made zero difference. So why do we do it? Haha. "Dude, I don't know if you've noticed? But Joel is way older than that, and no one here gives a flying fuck."
"But they did in Jacksonville. Right?"
"Jackson," she corrected him. "Yeah, they would, if they knew... huh, now I know why you were so interested in that. In us. I just thought you were curious, but you were sort of comparing, weren't you? Taking notes?" And Joel thought he might be interested in ME because of that? Ha! I can't wait to tell him how wrong he was!
"Not really... I dunno. Caleb's different."
"Caleb... that's a nice name," Ellie decided. "Have you ever asked him to come to dinner or anything? Or to come visit you? Wait -- does he come visit you? In your room?"
"No! No no, we always go there."
"We? Isn't he already there?"
"Me, I mean. I go there."
Ellie supposed it was a simple mistake, if he was thinking about the two of them being a couple or something... but he seemed kind of sheepish about it. Like there was something more to it. I'll ignore it for now-- "Why can't he ever come here?"
"He just... can't. He wouldn't, even if I asked."
"Why not?"
"I told you... it's not like that."
"Not like what?!"
"Not... you know. That would be too weird."
"Why?"
"Well... I mean, pretty much all we do is get baked in his bunk."
Ellie quirked an eyebrow. "That's all?"
"You know what I mean."
"No. I really don't." This whole thing just sounded so... strange.
He rolled his eyes. "Yes, we fuck. I mean, that's obvious, right? Besides that -- we smoke... we might talk a little when we're high but if not, then... we fuck a lot, okay?"
Ellie wasn't going to press him for details... although, she was curious as fuck... NO, WHAT THEY DO IS PRIVATE, she berated herself. "Do you sleep over there?"
"No. Only if I doze off. But I'm not supposed to."
"Do you want to?" She couldn't imagine fucking Joel and then just trotting off to go sleep somewhere else.
"If I'm tired, I guess? But I just sleep late the next day so no biggie."
She did see him roll into the cafeteria mid-morning sometimes... like when me and Joel sleep in. Or when we 'sleep in,' wink wink. Hee! "So like... you fuck and then just leave, most of the time?"
"Well, I usually hang out a couple hours."
"How often?"
"At least once a week. Usually it's more, but that's the minimum."
She thought 'minimum' was an odd word choice, like there was a requirement or something? but she understood what he meant. "So when we don't see you all day, does that mean you're... with him?"
"During the daytime? No. I do actually like spending time on my own... you know? When I don't have to like... be anyone. Just me."
Ellie wasn't sure what he meant by that, but it wasn't important right now. "Okay, so... you think he wouldn't wanna come over for dinner? Or campfire." Campfire time was Ellie's favorite part of the day. Not counting going to bed with Joel, at least?
"No way." Parker scrunched up his face. "Like... I can't even imagine it. That would be so weird."
"Why? He could still smoke pot if he wanted to. You do, sometimes." Sometimes it seemed like she and Joel were the only ones who didn't, but Joel said that was just her imagination.
"I know, but... it would just be weird. Sitting there, like..."
"Like what? A couple? Holding hands, maybe?"
Parker laughed. "Yeah... no. We don't do that."
"Because... you don't go anywhere together."
"Yeah."
"Even over there? You just... stay in his room?"
"Uh-huh."
She thought he sounded a bit weary of the subject now. "Sorry... I don't mean to grill you or anything. You can tell me to fuck off if I go too far. I'm just trying to understand... when you say it's not like that... do you love him?"
"Yes."
No hesitation. Good! "Okay... does he love you?"
Parker shrugged. "I mean... I guess? He likes it when I come over."
"But... he's never said it to you. The actual words."
"Nah."
"When you say it to him, does he just--"
"I don't say it to him," Parker chuckled.
"Oh! Maybe he doesn't even know! You should say it, dude. Just tell him." She remembered how long it had taken her and Joel to tell each other!
Parker shook his head. "Shit... if I told him that? He'd prob'ly laugh his ass off."
"No he wouldn't! It's hard to say it the first time, I know, but--"
"You don't even know him. How do you know he wouldn't laugh?"
...Because Joel didn't laugh at ME? She realized that was a lame reason. "Okay, so I don't know for sure. But... he's your boyfriend, right? Like... you had that conversation."
"Uh... a conversation? Not really. I don't know what else to call him. My fuckbuddy? Psh."
Basically, YEAH, from the sound of things. Ellie didn't know what to say to that. Parker didn't seem sad or anything. Maybe I should ask about that... "So... does he make you happy?"
"Of course."
"...You like going over there."
"Yeah. Why wouldn't I?"
"I dunno... I mean, if that's all you're doing... just sex? You did say you talk, though. Right?"
"Sure."
Ellie had kind of been picturing Parker going over there, popping in for a quickie, then leaving immediately after their dicks dried up. If they actually talked, she supposed that was better... and they smoke pot. Don't forget the pot! "Um... do you guys like... kiss and stuff?"
Parker wrinkled his nose. "Kissing's gross."
"What?" Ellie laughed. "How old are you -- ten?"
"I mean, he offered... even though he's not really into it either... I guess we kiss sometimes when we're high? But in general..." He ducked his head and laughed. "I don't know how you got me to tell you all this shit."
Ellie chuckled, too. "I'm just so easy to talk to!"
"You are. It's kinda cool. I've never told anyone about Caleb before."
"Really?" That made Ellie feel even more special! Except it doesn't make sense... "I thought you said you weren't sure how many people knew. How would any of them know, unless you told at least one?"
"I mean... about the whole thing... in general."
"What whole thing?"
"Never mind. I figured you'd be cool cuz... you know. Joel."
"And you don't care if I mention any of this to him?" Ellie wanted Joel to know that they weren't the only 'illegal' couple on the whole fucking planet, as he seemed to believe. "You did say you thought me and him would understand. Both of us. Right? But if you don't want me to say anything--"
"No, it's fine, you can tell him about whatever you want... as long as you think he'd be cool with it. I assume he would be, but you know him better."
"It would be really hypocritical if he wasn't, yeah," Ellie agreed. But right after she said it, she felt a nibble of doubt at the thought. Joel was sort of a hypocrite, sometimes. Or so he described himself. Maybe if I don't tell him EVERYthing... like how Caleb doesn't want to come over here... or how Parker's not sure if the dude even loves him... Ellie hadn't thought much of that at first, due to her experience with Joel in that regard, but on second thought... Ellie had known without a doubt that Joel loved her before he'd ever said it in words. Like... a whole year before. She may have doubted the exact nature of it on occasion (for a while, she had feared that Joel's reluctance to do sexual stuff with her meant that he didn't find her attractive)... and she still, at times, wondered if he would love her forever, the way that she loved him... but she knew with absolute certainty that he loved her.
Maybe Parker's just shy and doesn't want to tell me everything, Ellie reasoned. Guys weren't great at talking about their feelings to begin with... and she and Parker had never talked about any of this shit before.
"I guess I should tell you the rest," Parker continued, as if refuting her silent assessment. "You heard about the two people who disappeared from here, right? Before you got here."
"Yeah. A little. Why?"
"Well... they didn't actually disappear."
"...What do you mean?"
"They left. Because they didn't like what was going on... over there..."
"You mean... they knew about you and Caleb?"
"I don't know what all they knew. I only heard it secondhand. But they tried to interfere or something... I don't know exactly what happened, but it didn't go well, and they left."
Ellie wondered who he'd heard it from, but she could circle back to that. "Fuck. That sounds... ...are you sure they left?"
"Uh... yeah, they're not here anymore, are they?"
"I mean... if they interfered, maybe the soldiers... ?"
"What -- did something to them?" Parker shook his head. "Nope, pretty sure they just left. They came back from there and had some kind of argument with Ray and Jan... and then left." Ray and Jan were like the Tommy and Maria of Golden Sands -- except way more laid back.
"Did you see them? Or that's what you were told?"
"Didn't see them myself, no."
Look at me... suspicious about everything, just like Joel... ha! "So... Ray and Jan know about... whatever."
"Ray, I don't know. But Jan's the one who--" He paused, like he'd thought better of whatever he was about to say. "You're not gonna go ask them about it, are you?"
"No!" Hmm, that's a good idea...
"Good. Don't. You can't tell anyone about this, Ellie, okay? ... ...OKAY?!"
Aww, man... "I won't," she promised. "Except Joel. You said I could tell him, right?"
"You can tell him about Caleb if you want. I don't think Ray and Jan know about him... I've never actually told them, and no one ever sees me leave. Discretion is one of the rules. It's always way after campfire, when I go."
Ellie felt like she was missing important pieces of the puzzle... an overwhelming number of pieces, and she could only look for one at a time in the jumbled mess. "How do you leave? I mean... you can't ring the bell to get back in if you're coming back in the middle of the night, right?" Joel could hear it in his sleep -- and he had, a couple times, when their bedroom window was open. He'd even gone out there to see what was up. He would've told her if he'd heard the thing in the wee hours and it was Parker.
"No, the sundown rule is legit. I know people get back later by mistake sometimes, but... it's not a routine thing. There's a secret way out through the ground floor out front. The actual ground floor, I mean."
"The one that's more like the underground floor?"
"Yeah. That's a better name for it, actually! There's a spot where it looks all boarded up, but it's not... if you know where to go. There's a door." Parker chuckled. "You know, one time Joel fucked that up for us by fixing the board? Him and Alex. They thought it came loose. I had to go unfix it after."
Fuck... MORE pieces to look for! She vaguely recalled Joel mentioning that to her eons ago. "Wait... so anyone can just go in and out down there whenever? It's not locked up?"
"There is a lock. We have to leave it unlocked when we go out. But we're always really careful to lock it when we get back, except when--" Again, he swallowed his words. "There's a system, for that. For the except. But you can kinda pull the board in place behind you so that even if someone Outside was down there at night with a flashlight, they couldn't see anything -- like it wouldn't look like a door they could go through. No one's ever come in that way. Just us."
Oh, Joel would not like that! Ellie wasn't thrilled about it, but... as Joel would say, "when in Rome"? (She had finally gotten him to tell her what the fuck that means!) She couldn't see him applying that motto to this, but she could do so herself. Like Parker said, it had never been an issue before, and these people had lived here for... what, two or three years, at least? Some had been in the area longer... she wasn't sure exactly when the place had evolved into its current state. Anyway, who was she to judge?
But. Back to an earlier 'missing piece'... "You keep saying 'we'..."
Parker nodded. "I figured we'd have to get to that. There's three of us, I think. Three or four. Though actually I'm not sure who all still goes. I think there've been some that start and stop?"
Ellie just looked at him, puzzled. "Dude, what are you talking about?"
"Sorry -- I just feel like... I can tell you about me, but it's up to the others if they wanna say anything. You know? So I can't... give you specifics, basically."
"The others who... sneak out at night?"
"Yeah -- I think some might go in the daytime, too? But they can go the normal way if they want... if it's between sunrise and sunset, basically. When Ray is around. That's why I think he might know everything. Maybe you should ask him if you wanna know more." Parker squirmed a little... like he was starting to get uncomfortable or something. "Except... then he'd know someone told you..."
Ellie chuckled. "I don't, like... want to know more. I barely talk to Ray, really." And usually when she did, Joel was with her. Yeah, I can see it now... "Joel, excuse me, but I really need to talk to this old dude in PRIVATE, and I can't tell you what's up. You don't mind, do you?" ...and suddenly she remembered another line of questioning she'd dropped -- she'd gotten a little distracted, questioning Parker about his boyfriend! "What I really wanna know is... what's the deal with this guy who wants to... know me?" That's so weird!
"Yeah... well... I'm supposed to bring you with me some night." Again, he seemed to be ready to weigh her reaction...
"What -- when you go over there to see Caleb? You want me to tag along? Would I get to meet him? Caleb, I mean." She couldn't help sounding eager at the prospect. Maybe Joel is rubbing off on me? Like... I just wanna see if Parker's boyfriend is an okay guy or not...
"Nah. You'd just... go see the guy."
"The guy that likes me. Even though he doesn't know me."
"Yep."
"Just... go hang out in his room?"
"Pretty much." Parker shook his head. "Just forget it. You already said no, so--"
"I know, but... I wanna know how this works. Is that... is that how you met Caleb? Someone brought you?"
"Uh-huh. ~Special request.~"
O...kay? "So... how long before you guys were boyfriends? Seems like it's not the easiest way to get to know a person."
"It was that same night." Parker snickered a little... and she was kind of getting a you're-so-cute vibe off him now. Like the kind she got from Joel when he was secretly laughing at her. "See, I knew I shouldn't've told you all this."
"What? Why? What have I not been cool about?" She'd been awesome about everything!
"You're cool, you're just... I feel like I'm corrupting you or something."
Ugh! How could anyone think she wasn't corrupt now that she wasn't even a fucking virgin anymore?! "Dude -- I'm already corrupted! I was partly corrupt before, and Joel took care of the rest."
Parker was still too amused for her liking. "The rest? I don't think so. I don't think you're getting the full picture here."
Ellie refrained from screaming, but she couldn't help voicing her irritation. "Well, maybe I would if you'd just fucking tell me in a normal--"
"I did! I didn't spell out all the letters... er... however you say that... but it's okay -- I actually had no idea until I went and saw for myself."
Uuuggghhh-- "Saw what for yourself? I mean... you're making it sound like... ...-You said you love this guy. Caleb. Right?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. So... no one's forcing you to..."
"No. I'm not like... a prostitute or whatever."
"Of course not! I didn't say that."
"I know. But... I'm not. It's just Caleb. And it was my choice. I just want you to know that."
"Okay." Oh man... she kind of hated how she kept hearing Joel's voice in her head, making her question the legitimacy of this whole thing the way Parker was laying it out, but... "Can I ask... how old were you? The first time."
"The first time I went over there? Fifteen."
Same as me! That was a good thing, she thought. If she was old enough to decide such things for herself, then he had to be old enough, too, or she was a big fat fucking hypocrite. ...Right? Except... Parker's boyfriend isn't my sweet amazing wonderful JOEL, so...
"We didn't actually fuck for... a while, if that's what you're wondering," said Parker, like--
Did he just read my mind? "Oh. Um, it's really none of my business..."
"It's okay. That first night... he just gave me head."
Oh wow, okay, be cool, Ellie, don't blush like a stupid--
Parker smiled... probably because she was indeed blushing like an idiot. "Sorry, it just seemed like you really wanted to hear how--"
"No, I do! I mean... it's cool. Whatever you feel comfortable sharing." It was weird, having a 'girl' chat -- like the ones she had with Sophie -- with a guy. But she could never quite bring herself to share really intimate details with Sophie. She knew Sophie wouldn't mind... wouldn't be offended or anything. In fact, she would probably enjoy it. Just... that stuff is private! And Ellie would bet her life that Joel didn't go around dishing out details on the stuff they did in bed together, either. She couldn't even imagine it. Even though everyone here knew they were fucking. Maybe it's different with guys, though? ...MOST guys. Not MY guy. He's one of a kind. "So... that's it? You didn't... you know... do anything to him?"
"Nope. That was it. I was nervous at first, but then like... I didn't even need the weed to relax. It was awesome. I mean, I never... that was the first time I'd ever done anything sex-like, with someone else. Or had it done to me, I guess is more accurate. He asked if I wanted to come back, and I was like hell yeah I wanna come back!"
Ellie smiled; she remembered that exciting sign me up! feeling. It wasn't too long ago that she'd been there with Joel, even though it sort of felt like forever ago now. Okay, so they're not TOTALLY unlike me and Joel... She couldn't help wondering something, though. "And... eventually you started having sex, you said. But did you ever... er... do you ever..."
"Huh?"
"...You know. Suck him off?" she whispered. As if the fishies might be scandalized. ...as if they're even around!
"Of course. We've been together a long time, you know."
"Right. So... he doesn't think you're too young for that?" she asked dubiously.
"Psh. No? I mean... we're fucking..."
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean... I thought maybe since you're only... um, okay, yeah never mind. So--"
"Wait. Why did you ask me that... and then get all weird about it?" He was all amused again. "Is that what Joel tells you?"
Ellie ducked her head. Fuck! "No, I was just... forget it, okay? Did you--"
"It's okay," Parker said (...and his fucking "it's okay"s were really starting to get on her nerves!). "I'm sure it's just different with girls."
Or Joel is just a total prude about it?! ...But the remark turned her thoughts in yet another direction. "Have you... ever been with a girl?"
"No."
"...Cuz you don't want to?"
"I mean... maybe if a cool one came along? I don't have anything against girls..."
"Caleb wouldn't mind?"
"He's told me he wouldn't care if I had a girlfriend. I think... maybe he's had girlfriends here and there, you know? But he prefers... he says it's better with me."
"And if a ~cool boy~ came along instead? Would he mind that?"
"He doesn't want me to be with anyone else at the base -- which is cool cuz I don't wanna be? -- but that's... different. Like... not real life. In real life, he prob'ly wouldn't care, I guess. But I think I'd be more likely to find a girl."
Yeah, opposite-sex couples far outnumbered same-sex ones everywhere Ellie had been, too. "Right. So... when did you know you were in love with him?"
"When did I know? Um... that's a good question. Maybe it was love at first sight? Or... love at first blow... heh. The sex was the main reason I wanted to be with him, obviously."
...OBVIOUSLY... and it sounds like it's still the ONLY reason, really... ick. Ellie was trying to still be cool, but she couldn't help being a little skeeved out. The more she learned about Caleb, the less he seemed like Joel. But... maybe she wasn't being fair. It sounds like they have to keep their relationship secret from the other soldiers, at least? So what are they supposed to do, other than hang out in Caleb's room and fuck? Go for a moonlit stroll?
Actually... they could do that. Maybe then, they could hold hands?
"You still seem like... confused," Parker observed.
"No, I'm just... trying to imagine what it was like... in the beginning. Did you know what was up, when you went over there? I mean... how did he even know he would like you?"
"He saw me. He saw me on the beach, but I didn't really notice him. Just knew there were soldiers looking around. And before you ask why you've never seen any -- they don't come around anymore. They were asked not to. I think because of the kids... after the kids came here."
"Oh." She didn't see what the kids had to do with anything, but whatever-- "So he didn't talk to you. Just saw you... and liked what he saw."
"I guess." He gave her a measured look. "I take it things were different with you and Joel."
"Uh... yeah." She couldn't even imagine Joel in Caleb's place... just scoping out the beach for a nice piece of ass... then having someone escort her to his bunk without even speaking to her. Fuck SPEAKING -- Parker said he didn't even notice Caleb, so they didn't even make eye contact! That was just... so...
But it WAS Parker's choice, Ellie reminded herself. He wasn't forced. He could've said no. ...Just like I told him no when he asked me earlier. "So... the guy that likes me. If I went over there with you, he'd... expect me to do stuff with him. Sex stuff."
"Yeah." Parker snickered. "He's not looking for a friend, Ellie."
"Yeah, I get that, it's just... I mean, don't you think it's kinda weird?"
Parker shrugged. "What's normal anyway, right? If you want, I can get Caleb to ask him what he'd expect the first--"
"No! Fuck no. I'm not... interested," Ellie shuddered.
"Right... um, maybe it would be a little different, since you're a girl. What if you didn't have sex with him? Then would you be interested maybe?"
"Of course not." ...like I'd be HALFWAY interested or something? Oral only? Eww!
"You sure? What if like... all he wants you to do is get naked so he can look at you and... he does it all himself -- you don't touch him and he doesn't touch you. Would that--"
"What would I even get out of that?" Gross! "Why did you go, that first time? Were you just horny or what?" She had to steer Parker away from the disgusting topic of her being with this creep!
"I guess? But... we do get stuff, too. Since you mentioned it. Like... actual stuff. Where do you think it all comes from?"
"Um... I know it comes from the base. They trade for the pot. And maybe some other stuff. Boat maintenance or something?"
Parker snorted. "That's the front, sure. But the truth is they can grow their own. There's tons of it around. And there's nothing we could do for them that they can't do themselves. It's the other stuff they want."
"...Sex."
"You got it. Finally."
Ellie bristled. "Well... I'm sorry to say, that does kind of make you a whore. If you're--"
"I'm only with Caleb. That's it. And I want to be. A whore would be more like... someone who'll fuck anyone."
She was starting to feel a little sick to her stomach. She couldn't tell if it was from motion sickness catching up to her, or the horrible turn this conversation had taken. "Is that what the other people are who do this? Whores? Giving it away for... fucking fishing lures, and--"
"I'm the only one who got the lures. Caleb knows I like fishing. But it's not just that. It's gas for the boats. Toothbrushes and toothpaste. You guys benefit, too, see. It's a community thing. Didn't I see Joel with some new sunglasses the other day? Where do you think those came from?"
What?! Oh man, if Joel knew... "I don't believe this. You're telling me... everything we have, that we don't get for ourselves..."
"I don't know all the details. Everyone benefits, but we get extra. Caleb gives me alcohol. Like, actual bottles of it."
Ellie wrinkled her nose. "That shit makes me sick. ...What if he didn't give you anything? Would you still do it?"
"Yeah. It's not like he gives me stuff every time anymore."
"...So he did at first?"
"He didn't have to. I was hooked on the sex." Parker didn't sound ashamed or anything. Like he was just stating a fact.
"On getting your dick sucked, you mean." She could say it without blushing now.
"Yep. Best thing ever. If you had one, you'd feel like that, too."
THEN WHY DOESN'T JOEL LET ME FUCKING-- UUGGGHHH! Never mind that now... Ellie was still dumbfounded by the whoring. Maybe Parker didn't think of it that way now, but it had definitely started out that way. Exchanging sex for stuff was prostitution, whether it was with one person or twenty, the way Ellie understood it. So he was a monogamous whore instead of a slutty one... it doesn't matter! "Man... you said there's three or four others who do this?"
"At least."
"Why doesn't everyone have to do it? If it's FOR THE GROUP and all."
"Uh... same reason we get to eat food we didn't go out and get ourselves?"
"So like... it's just a job."
"Yeah. And it's all voluntary. I'm pretty sure not everyone would do it." He snorted. "And not to be mean, but not everyone would be... like... welcome over there?"
Ellie understood. They want the young and pretty... and mostly girls, I bet. Women, not men. But it's not like there's lots of people like that at the resort? Everyone's kinda old. ...Oh my God-- Now she knew where Sylvia went late at night! She didn't even have to ask Sophie after all--
--Fuck. Is SOPHIE doing this, too? She's not a whore! And yet... Ellie could see her maybe falling into a Parker/Caleb situation. If she found a guy she liked. She likes sex, and she doesn't need to love the guy to do it with him... but she said me and Joel went about things the RIGHT way -- waiting forever to have sex. She said that's what SHE wanted, too. Not the forever-waiting, really, but getting to know and love the guy first. And would she bother helping out in the kitchen if she had this other job? Whereas Sylvia didn't do anything that benefited the community -- she was a mother to those kids. And not even a good one, really... and she never seems happy... is it really voluntary? Parker had said some people stopped going, which made it sound like there was a choice.
Anyway, Ellie knew Sophie hadn't slept with anyone since they'd arrived. Sophie had promised to tell her if she did! ...Would she tell me THIS? Maybe I should see what Sophie thinks before I tell Joel... fuck, maybe I shouldn't even tell Joel at all!
Ellie... really did not feel good.
Parker was studying her. "You look a little..."
"...green? I think maybe I need to stick my head over the side for a minute..." Stomach roiling, Ellie leaned as far over as she dared... and nothing happened. She stared at the waves right under her face. Dark green and murky-looking... the diamonds were gone, at this angle. She knew they were just an illusion in the first place: the sun's rays reflecting off the surface. Not like there were actual gems in the water. It's so pretty from far away... so ugly up close. FUCK--
"Want me to take you back?" Parker offered.
"No..." She stared at the water for another minute before slithering back down in her seat -- all the way down, so her head was level with the sea... but she could lean back, this way. Hey, we stopped moving... "Did you stop the boat for me?"
"Yeah... did it help?"
She shrugged.
"Here. Maybe this will help?" He handed her the thermos.
"Thanks." She took a swig. At least I don't feel like I'm gonna hurl now, but... "Maybe I should go back. Sorry."
"It's okay. This area sucks anyway. Or maybe the fish can hear better than I thought. Damn, I really wanted to catch an albacore. Maybe I'll drop you off and try that way... more to the north."
Ellie re-did her ponytail (though she kind of wondered why she bothered, with the wind still trying to play with it), then closed her eyes and slumped even farther into her seat. Just... ugh, how the fuck does Parker even KNOW he's in love with Caleb? If all they do is fuck... and he's never been with anyone else. Maybe he's confusing sex with love. I could see that. And if he's getting high... or getting drunk... like, how much of their relationship is even REAL? He even said it himself -- it's not 'real life' over there. It's NOTHING like me and Joel. I'm so lucky! I wish everyone could be as lucky as me.
"Ellie..."
She opened her eyes and took in the worried look on Parker's face. "What? What is it?"
"It won't start."
"What do you mean 'it won't start'?"
"I mean, it won't start. I think we ran out of gas."
"Are you serious right now?!" He looked serious. "Great. That's just fucking wonderful. Isn't there a spare gas can on this thing?" Not that it would fucking fit anywhere...
"Usually? But there isn't right now. I don't know what happened to it."
Oh man... "Fuck! So what do we do?"
"We keep fishing, I guess. ...At least we won't starve?"
"I'm not eating raw fish!" If she thought she felt sick now--
"No, I mean I brought some snacks. There's like... seeds... grapes..."
"I'm not hungry anyway. Fuck... you really need to get this thing moving again, somehow. I need to get back before Joel does."
Parker shook his head. "I can't. No gas... no oars, or paddles... good thing we told Jan where we were going cuz I'm pretty sure we're stuck here."
"You mean they're gonna have to come find us?"
"Yeah."
"When will they do that? How long will they-- fuck, you told her you'd be out most of the day!"
"But you didn't. You said like an hour, right? Maybe--"
Ellie groaned. "She's just going to assume I changed my mind and decided to stay with you longer. Fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuck!" She shouted that last bit -- just because she could.
Maybe Joel wouldn't wait that long. Maybe he had already gone back to check on her or something -- he hadn't gone that far away, after all -- unlike ME -- fuck! -- and then freaked out when he couldn't find her. He would ask around, find out where she went, and hunt her down.
...Or would he? Maybe he would just think that this was her plan all along -- ditch him 'til dark. Like she would ever do that on purpose! He knows I wouldn't... right?! Or maybe he would view it as good practice at being separated... part of the fucking experiment--
Oh God--
She leaped up and lurched to the side just in time to stick her head out and empty the watery contents of her turbulent stomach overboard. The relentless little waves were mocking her anguish, lapping at her face while the boat rocked.
Usually she felt better after puking... but this time, Ellie felt utterly wretched.
~Continue to Chapter 4~
