"Singularity" Chapter 12: "No Body No Crime" [12/49]

[lumy12]

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 12: "No Body No Crime" [12/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,806
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
Author's Note: Chapter title from the Taylor Swift song.

~


Ellie decided to put herself in charge of tracking how many miles they went each day. The jeep makes it easy! Thanks to its built-in trip tracker thingie that she would just need to remember to reset each morning (Joel suggested leaving it alone to count miles for the entire trip, but Ellie preferred to see it in daily increments). She would add the number to her calendar each day, where she marked off the days to keep track of the current date. The last page she'd printed off back in Jackson was for March. If they didn't get home until April, she would have to make her own calendar grid on the back of one of the pages -- and Joel reminded her they were still going 'horse walking speed' most of the time, so yes, it would definitely be April. May, if they "had issues." The trip to California had taken nearly two months, thanks to their issues. Just like that trip, there was no rush, no schedule... but the sooner they got home, the easier life would be, as they would need to hunt and forage for food along the way. Even with the gifts from Ray and Jan, the provisions they had probably wouldn't last half the trip.

They would also need a lot of gas to get home. Finding cars with gas to siphon was, so far, not a problem (and Ellie happily let Joel have the honors of doing that disgusting job) (...the siphoning part, anyway... she could 'find' cars all day long!). The annoying thing was that Joel wanted to do it so fucking often. They even had a full gas can strapped to the back of the jeep, so it wasn't like they were going to just all of a sudden run out, for fuck's sake. It was just another thing slowing them down more than Ellie had anticipated. Having to backtrack due to a freeway being jammed up with cars -- or because it led to a bridge that had collapsed -- was also annoying. Ellie didn't remember that happening so much on the way in. Joel pointed out a couple things: first of all, they had been able to maneuver through some areas on horseback that they couldn't in a car (even one that was good at 'off-roading,' as he called it, like the jeep). Now it almost seemed to be the opposite, actually, as the jeep could bully its way over the dead cars sometimes, but Joel wouldn't do it if there wasn't a good place for the horse to pass through or jump. He also reminded her that she hadn't been 'all there' in the early California portion of the trip. She had physically been there, of course, but she hadn't been herself and had taken little notice of their surroundings or what they were doing. She had felt pretty shitty while recovering from the infection in her leg, and her head had been fogged up with doom and gloom crap that had colored her whole world for a while.

The ocean sort of cured me of that... it took me out of my head... what will happen now that I'm leaving the coast behind?

-Nothing, of course. Because she had Joel. And he was better than ten fucking oceans. She shouldn't have needed even the one! Ellie vowed that whatever happened on this trip, she would never lose sight of that again -- of how fucking lucky she was.

One nice thing about having a vehicle: they could easily go past sunset without having to worry about their flashlights not providing adequate lighting. Joel said he'd still prefer not to, though, because he really, really didn't like not being able to see all around them. That first night, he said they should stop on the early side, since neither of them had gotten much sleep the night before and they had to... reacclimate to being Outside, was how he put it.

Reacclimating didn't seem like it should be an exhausting thing, to Ellie... she had to remind herself that she wasn't old like-- MIDDLE-AGED. He's middle-aged, not old! Get that through your thick skull already! Plus... he was Joel. It was just different for him than it was for her. Stressful, sure... but, in spite of everything that had ever gone wrong on their various trips, Ellie still had a sense of "I'm with Joel so I'm safe" in her head. It wasn't the same sort of blind faith she'd had in the early days... before he'd nearly died... that whole ordeal had really opened her eyes, in a lot of ways. But it was still there. She trusted him... and his innate ability to always know what to do.

Anyway, she was certain that Joel did not return the feeling. Instead of "I'm with Ellie so I'm safe," it was probably something more like... "I'm with Ellie and I need to keep her safe." Which had to be pretty fucking exhausting, mentally. She wanted to keep Joel safe, too, and she knew she would worry every time they encountered any sort of trouble, or potential trouble... but overall, it just wasn't the same for her as it was for Joel. It wasn't so... every-minute-of-every-day-like. Maybe not quite THAT bad, but he IS being hyper-vigilant again...

Yeah, so... naturally, Joel wasn't the one who dozed off that afternoon. -Good thing, since he was driving and all! He had tugged her close to him, worried that she might shift around and tumble out the side since there was no door to lean on. Poor Joel... while she slumbered away, he had to do it all: steer the car, shift the car, lead the horse, read the map, keep a constant eye out for trouble... and serve as her pillow -- probably while fretting about her whacking the gear shifter with her knee or something as well. (Actually, he failed at the reading the map part and just had to wing it. The atlas had slipped off her lap onto her backpack and then the floor, so Joel would have had to disturb her to retrieve it... he was just too sweet to her, really.) Basically, she had just made such a big deal out of Joel not having to do it all himself, and then... pretty much let him do it all himself.

I'll make it up to him tomorrow -- I'll be an AWESOME co-pilot!

All things considered, she supposed going about twenty-five miles that day wasn't horrible. They'd actually gone more like forty, but she figured she needed to subtract off for the back-tracking or whenever they had to go out of their way, and only count the 'forward miles.' The ones she could subtract from the total miles they needed to go to get home. Thanks to that, it wasn't going to be a perfect record, so that was yet another thing that had already turned out different from her expectations. And they were only on day one!

It was dark now, and they were snuggled up in a comfy bed in a nice house in Prunedale (where she had yet to find any actual prunes). Joel estimated that the house would have cost at least a million dollars in olden times, because everything in California was expensive. Ellie didn't have a real solid concept of how much a dollar was worth, but she knew how to count, so she knew that a million was a fucking ton. Like, so much that how could anyone actually ever be able to buy a house for that much?! Joel had liked this house because it was pretty far from any major roads that people would be more likely to travel on. Also, it had a garage with a door he could pull open and closed... and he could rig it to stay closed from the inside, so he didn't have to worry about anyone stealing the jeep and/or all the shit they hadn't brought inside. It had a backyard for Fox to graze (on a picket line, though, because the fencing was fucked up), and should someone be foolish enough to try to steal him, Joel could shoot them right through the open bedroom window. They hadn't seen anyone since those soldiers this morning, however, and chances were slim that anyone would just happen to wander by randomly overnight and decide to scope out the backyard of this particular out-of-the-way house. It was hard to believe that one day ago right now, she was... well, at least plotting to fuck Joel's brains out as part of her stupid plan? Maybe she hadn't started yet.

Ellie felt terrible that Joel had figured it out. And she was afraid he hadn't believed her this morning when she insisted that she really had wanted to have sex with him, too. Has that thought been bouncing around in his head all day? "Joel," she began now.

"Uh-oh."

"What? I just said your name!"

"That was your serious talk 'Joel.' "

"...My what? Whatever -- I just wanted to say... I really loved last night. Before I left, I mean. That was awesome."

"Mm. You told me that already."

"I'm telling you again because I know you didn't believe me."

"I believe you."

"No you don't. You don't really."

Joel sighed. "It's fine. Forget it. I want you to forget the whole night ever happened." He started petting her hair.

"Not the whole night. Just the bad parts." Ellie re-positioned Joel's arm so she could trace circles on it; she knew he liked that. "And just so you know, I didn't fake any of them."

"What did I jus' say?"

"To forget it -- I know -- but you have to know that! I can't stand it if you think--"

"You love me, you want me, every time is fireworks an' magic an' shit," he drawled.

"I'm being serious! I remember what you said before -- you can't really fake it, so it's not fair if I do. I mean, you could a little bit, I guess... but like... not totally. Not the getting-hard part. But Joel, I swear to God, you would know. Cuz you can tell the difference between the good ones and the great ones and the fucking fantastic ones... you know my body inside and out... fuck, you know it better than I do! And that one time, when I just wasn't... I don't know what was wrong with me, it just--"

"Nothin' wrong with you. Just... nothin' was gettin' you there. It happens. It was more than just the one time."

"Okay -- twice, tops. Maybe 'wrong' is the wrong word for it... but you know what I mean. That's when I finally understood why girls might fake it. But I didn't! I didn't then, so why would--"

"Ellie. I believe you. It's all right." He gave her a squeeze. "Thank you for... not. Way I see it, fakin' is the same as lyin'. And we don't lie to each other."

...Yeah... about that... Well, whatever. It wasn't like Joel never lied to her when he felt he had a good reason to. Ellie didn't know what all he'd lied about -- or if he'd even lied, in some cases -- but she suspected the lies came to him as easily as air when it had something to do with protecting her. ...Shit, does he KNOW somehow? Why would he say it like that when--

"That's why I really wish you would've come to me, after Parker confided in you," Joel said, putting that fear to rest.

And he'd just unwittingly given her an out here, too-- "Except confiding is... secret. Telling you would've been a betrayal." Never mind that Parker had actually given her permission to tell him! She hadn't shared that little tidbit with Joel. "So I wasn't betraying you by keeping my mouth shut about his secret -- and I didn't even lie to you, really! I just didn't tell you what I decided to do."

"Lies of omission. We've talked about that."

"Yeah, and you toooooootally do it to me and then say it doesn't count as lying, so you're a big fucking hypocrite." She punctuated the last three words with little finger jabs on his arm.

"I don't deny that."

Ellie snorted. "You just don't care. Okay, well, I'm a hypocrite, too, so it's all good!"

"That bastard could've hurt you a lot worse than he did, Ellie. He could've killed you."

"Yeah, well, he didn't. Because I knew I could handle it -- I had my knife. I wasn't completely--"

"Tch. You had no idea what you were walkin' into. You think you could handle ten or twelve men gangin' up on you?"

"That didn't happen!"

"It could have."

"I was with Parker -- it's not like I went by myself!"

"Fat lot of good that did you. But, all right -- take the one guy. You thought you could get a good read on whether he was an asshole or not. But you--"

"And he wasn't! I wasn't wrong about that. Anyways I thought you wanted me to forget the whole thing."

Joel sighed again. "I do. Except... I think we do actually need to talk about some of it first."

Ugh! "Either you want me to forget it, or you don't. If you want me to ~learn my lesson~ -- it's fucking learned, okay?"

"I don' know about that. You were wrong about that bastard: he fooled you. Not all assholes advertise it. Don't mean they ain't assholes."

"I told you -- he was totally nice. If I'd done what he wanted... even just what I told him I was going to do and then didn't... then he wouldn't've..."

"There, see-- you gotta get that outta your head. You said somethin' like that earlier." He tilted her chin up... there wasn't enough celestial light coming through the window for them to see each other's faces, but Ellie still felt his eyes boring into hers. "That don't make sense. How many times have you not done what I wanted?"

"Um... well, it's usually me doing the wanting, since you have this weird--"

"I don't mean sexually. I mean in general. In the past twenty-four hours alone, there's four or five times I can think of. -Actually, make that five or six."

"Totally not the same thing," Ellie scoffed. Six?! That seems like kind of a lot for one day...

"Why not? Tell me the difference."

"I dunno... it's different cuz you're you?"

Joel was quiet a moment. "How were the circumstances different last night, with him? Before he... before that switch flipped. Wasn't it... some kind of misunderstanding that you had? Like we do sometimes. You'n'me."

Where the fuck is he going with this? "It wasn't anything like you and me. You... would never act the way he did."

"Right -- that's on him. So why do you keep sayin' it's your fault?"

Multiple reasons. But the biggest one-- "Because the whole fucking thing never would've happened if I hadn't gone over there!"

"That don't make you responsible for his actions. Hell, none of it would've happened if I'd said no to Sophie last fall. So you could say it's actually my--"

"Shut uuuuuuup!" Ellie laughed, tugging him in for a kiss. "You do not get to make this one your fault, Joel!"

He kissed her back, but didn't laugh with her. "Then you can't keep goin' back to that... to your it's-my-fault-'cause-it-was-my-idea thing."

"Okay, but... besides that. I made him think... you know. That I was going to fuck him and everything." Eventually, if not that night...

"No you didn't. You had reservations. He knew that. That's why he acted nice at first. The second he realized his act wasn't gettin' him nowhere... that he had no reason to keep pretendin'... then he showed his true colors."

"Well, he started drinking..."

"You said he was playin' poker with the boys before you got there -- I guarantee he was already drinking. That sure don't help matters, it's true, but... a truly nice guy wouldn't force himself on a girl, even if he was drunk."

"I pissed him off."

"All right. You pissed him off. You never piss me off, though, do you?"

"Yeah yeah -- you said that before. But you're you. You would never do anything to hurt me."

"...Not on purpose."

"Not even on accident. But that's... not normal." Why didn't he get that? Fuck, if everyone loved me the way Joel does--

"What the hell does that mean." He said it funny... and his voice was oddly quiet.

"What? Do you think everyone on the planet loves me? It's just you. There's no reason this guy would... not wanna hurt me. Right?" But things that seemed perfectly logical to her seemed to confound him sometimes.

"I don't understand how anyone who even just... crosses paths with you would wanna hurt you." He sounded normal again, so she must have answered 'correctly.'

"That's because you love me, silly! Jesus."

"Go back to before I loved you, then. You pissed me off... you annoyed me... did you ever once get the feelin' I wanted to harm you, physically?"

"Of course not. But you totally loved me, even back then," she teased.

He kissed her nose. "You're pretty goddamn lovable, I'll give you that. But the day we met? I promise you, I did not love you."

"Aww." Ellie pouted. "The next day, then. No way was it any later than that."

"My point is... it don't matter how much you provoke someone. Nothin' gives him the right to..."

"Okay, but... I got him all... worked up... ugh, so gross--"

"I don't care if you had your hand down his pants. If you--"

"What? You should care! I didn't do anything like that, I swear!"

"Calm down. I'm jus' sayin'... even if you were the biggest cocktease to ever walk the Earth, it wouldn't've been your fault."

Cocktease... what an un-Joel-like word! "Yeah, but... I mean... what was he supposed to do? I was right there, like..."

"What was he s'posed to do? Is that--" He dropped that thought and chuckled. "Ellie, how many times have you gotten me all worked up in the past few months?"

"Um... you want me to count? Like..."

"Go back to before we ever had sex. It was plenty of times, an' what did I do? I handled it."

"Literally," Ellie snickered.

"Some of the time, yes. Part of bein' a man is dealin' with... those urges."

"Because if you had sex every time you got hard, your dick would fall off?"

"...Sure. Yes."

"Okay -- again, that's you. You're special."

"No I ain't. That's... just how it is."

"I was on his lap."

Ellie felt him tense up a little, and she regretted reminding him of that.

"And you were never on my lap... before? Never made me want more?"

Strange as it seemed, Ellie missed those early days sometimes. She sighed. "Joel -- you don't understand. You are the most... incredibly fucking sweet... -You're the kindest, gentlest guy I've ever met in my entire life."

He snorted. "You are the only person who would describe me that way, believe me."

"Okay, well, see? Why do you expect other guys to be as sweet as you... if you're not sweet to anyone but me? -Which isn't even true, by the way, I've seen--"

"Are you kiddin' me? You think that I... damn, your standards are awfully low, if you think... but... then again, this world sure is a fucked-up place. Why wouldn't you think that. With your experience. Or lack thereof."

Ellie bristled at that. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't mean it as a knock on you, baby girl." He squeezed her. "I'm your first relationship. Right? First boyfriend?"

...Welllllll... boyfriend, yes. Relationship... that was debatable. But she couldn't tell him about Riley. No, she was convinced that if she did, Joel would think she was a lesbian and that this whole time he'd just been coercing her or brainwashing her or some shit. She'd have to convince him she was actually bisexual... and she wasn't sure that she could. The conversation they'd had the other day gave her hope, but... last night, the doubt had returned, since he seemed to think that because Parker was so young and inexperienced, he didn't know if he was really gay or if Caleb had just made him think he was. It just wasn't a subject she wanted to deal with right now. "You know you are. So?"

"So, you haven't really been around many boys who-- men. Who find you attractive. Christ... I can't even call this guy a pervert, seein' as how--"

"Yes you can! His type is teenage girls. Which is pervy. You fell in love with someone who just happened to be one. You don't perv on every girl you see. Huge difference. And I'm going to pound that into your head until you fucking believe it."

"You sound like me," he said, chuckling.

"Yeah, I'm sort of copying you there," she admitted. "So... okay. I've been around tons of guys in my lifetime. But hardly any that wanna fuck me. Just three, I think."

"...You countin' me as one of the three?"

"Well, yeah...?"

"And... Clicker?"

"What? No! Fuck -- he's a little boy!"

"Uh.... right, we won't go there. Max?"

"...WHAT?! You know that's not -- Joel, I told you, all that stupid shit I said -- I was trying to make you jealous. Remember? And I never once said he liked me. Him and Sophie had a thing, remember?" Ages ago, but still...

"That don't mean that... all right, fine, not Max. So who are the other two, then?"

"Duh -- the one last night. Shelby. And the other one is that creep David, remember? Except that was prob'ly more like... an anger thing. Or power... like you said last night. They're both dead now... hey, maybe you better watch your step..."

"I'm quakin' in my boots. All right... we never talked about David all that much--"

"And we don't need to talk about him now," Ellie groaned.

"That's fine. Just... in the little we did talk about, I never got the feelin' you thought that was your fault. Or was I wrong about that?"

"Nope -- that one's on you. You shouldn't have spent all that time sleeping and dying. Or... not dying, thank God." She probably shouldn't tease him about that, because as ridiculous as it was, she got the feeling he did blame himself -- for getting hurt in the first place!

"I was tryin' to die," he said lightly. "You just wouldn't let me."

"Fuck no. I'm never letting you. -No, of course it wasn't my fault. He was nice at first, too. But as soon as I found out who he was -- that he knew who I was, the whole time -- I was a bitch to him. Like... there's no way he thought I was into him." ...Except possibly when I was trying to get his keys? But I didn't even know then that he-- ICK. I don't count that. He might've thought it for two seconds but then it was obvious I was just trying to trick him...

Last night was totally different from that. ...Wasn't it? I was sort of tricking them both... I was bitchy with Shelby, too... But -- no. Shelby's "you're here, aren't you?" echoed in her head. He'd had reason to think-- Fuck-- "Why are we talking about this shit? Do you want me to have a nightmare now?"

"I'm sorry. I'm just tryin' to... basically, aside from me, your only experience with... men who have those feelin's, towards you... is bad. Plenty of the hunters we've come across might fall into that category too, you know. Maybe my way of thinkin' is old-fashioned, but it ain't wrong. Not here. I want you to remember that this asshole, last night... was an asshole. And he deserved what he got. Whatever you did or didn't do in that room... he should've jus' sent you on your way an' then jerked off if he felt the need."

"Eww."

"That's what any decent guy would've done."

"Even though he was drinking."

"Yes. There's no excuse." Joel snorted. "I can't believe I'm goin' here, but... remember the night of the party... the 4th of July party? When Max got you drunk?"

"I got myself drunk," she corrected him. And then she'd puked her guts out! "I'll never do that again. Man, you were pissed."

"You were so wasted you couldn't even walk."

Yeah... I never confessed to him that I was only PRETENDING, just to get close to him! But there was no need for her to confess it now.

"He could've done whatever he wanted to you in that truck bed," Joel continued.

"I told you, he doesn't think of me like--"

"But he could have. And he was drunk, too."

"Um... he was drinking the whole time, but I don't know if he was drunk-drunk..."

"He holds his liquor a hell of a lot better than you do. I know the type. But he... didn't do nothin'."

"And he was worried about me leaving with you, cuz you were so mad at me," she recalled. "Isn't that funny?"

"Hilarious," he said wryly. "Point is... that's how a decent guy, even one who's been drinkin' -- a guy who ain't me, since you don't seem to think my actions count for anything -- that's how he should act. Not takin' advantage should be the norm. It's sad as hell that in this shitty--"

"Wait wait wait -- Joel. Did I just hear you call Max... a decent guy?!"

"Givin' booze to a fifteen-your-old girl ain't--"

"But you called him a decent guy."

"...On that one count, yes, he was."

"Yesssss! You guys are gonna be BFFs yet!"

"Don't hold your breath."

"No, it's perfect! Me and Sophie hated each other at first, too, remember?"

"She never hated you."

"Okay, I hated her enough for the both of us, then." Which turned out to be totally Joel's fault... although Ellie didn't even find out about his role in things until after she'd changed her mind about Sophie. Fuck, he is SO clueless about women! "She's not my BFF, though -- she's my sister. Oh -- so Max can be your brother!"

"I got one of those already, thank you. And one is more than enough."

"Whatever -- like you're not gonna be all happy to see Tommy again."

"Happy? That's you."

"No, I wanna see the baby! Don't you? It's your niece or nephew."

"Yours, too. We're sharin'."

"I'm supposed to be the cousin. Since you're like my dad. -Are you saying we're gonna come out of the closet and be Uncle Joel and Aunt Ellie?"

"No, I'm sayin'... we ain't a normal family anyhow. It don't really matter what title you have... you can be a big part of its life, if you want."

"With you."

"...Well, yes... I ain't goin' nowhere..."

"And it's not an it -- it's a him or her. It might already be born by now! He or she, I mean. Fuck, now I'm doing it, too... so we're both gonna be a big part of his or her life. Right?"

"Sure."

Ellie didn't expect Joel to like... shit rainbows over the new baby or anything, but she thought he might be just a little excited to have a niece or nephew. ...And eventually a son or daughter? Maybe?

Ellie didn't dare broach that subject. She was afraid she already knew how Joel felt about possibly having children with her someday. Maybe he'll find he loves being an uncle... he'll love the kid so much that maybe the thought of having one of his own won't be so awful? She couldn't really worry about it yet, because no way would Joel even consider it before she turned eighteen, and that was two long years away still (two years plus ten days). She didn't want kids right now... even two years seemed sort of soon for that, but... it was a long time, so...

The thing was... Joel was kind of old. The longer they waited, the older he got... and the more resistant he would be to the idea. She buried her face in his neck and shifted a bit, getting cozier. It's probably going to have to be an accident, if it happens... but Joel's really paranoid about that, so--

"You fallin' asleep, kiddo?"

"No, I'm not even tired. Cuz of that nap, I guess. Why? Are you thinking maybe we should... ?" She lifted her head again.

"No." He gave her a sweet little kiss.

She hadn't really expected him to want sex tonight. She didn't even particularly want it herself, just... I want to do it anyway? To prove... ...something. She didn't know what, exactly. But something.

"I gotta save up my energy for the back seat," he added.

"Ha!" She nuzzled his neck again. "That's so happening, then. You just said. I'm holding you to it."

"Whatever my baby girl wants," he recited...

"...within reason," Ellie finished for him. Which excluded blow jobs, even though there was nothing unreasonable about that. "Joel reason, not Ellie reason."

"That's right." Another squeeze. "You know I don't really like foolin' around Outside."

"Yeah, but now that we're actually having sex, it's a little different." She'd worked it out in her head months ago!

"It is? How do you figure?"

"Well, one of your objections is you don't like getting dirty when we're already dirty. Right? Like, you don't wanna touch me... there... with dirty fingers. Like I'm gonna get some kind of infection I don't already have. And yeah we have soap and stuff but we can't get as clean as we can with regular water and showers and everything. But! Your dick is perfectly clean. It just sits there in your pants all day."

"Ah. Well... it ain't like I just... stick it in?"

"We can kiss and stuff first -- and you can rub me with it." They both liked that, and it helped him get harder, if needed.

"My fingers do a better job, though. And sometimes... it's kinda difficult not to just..."

"That's part of the fun of it! And it's not like you can't, anymore. You can stick it in whenever you want."

"So you say."

"I mean it!" She had recently tried to convince Joel to just like... slip it in there as soon as he woke up -- on a day when he woke up before her. Like, slip it in while she was still asleep, so she would wake up to a nice surprise. She wasn't surprised when he balked at that, though. Okay, more than BALKED... he was very HELL NO about it... he thought it was too creepy and that she wouldn't like it as much as she seemed to think she would. (...He might be right about that.) But she had woken up, on occasion, to find his face in her crotch. Best way to wake up EVER! Too bad if she tried to return the favor, he would freak the fuck out.

"That ain't the only thing, though," he continued. "I don't like bein' vulnerable out here."

If Joel could get away with not sleeping the whole trip, Ellie was convinced he'd do it. Unfortunately, he was only human. "I told you -- I'll protect us when you... feel vulnerable."

"Mmhmm. 'Cause you won't be busy at all. Or preoccupied."

"Nope!"

"I ain't... completely opposed to the idea. Depends on how safe it feels like we are."

"Like tonight. Tonight you feel safe."

"Yes, but I don't--"

"No, I wasn't suggesting anything. Relax. You're too tired, it's okay." The jeep is going to help you NOT be exhausted at the end of every day, though... she hoped!

"That was a real good idea, you had. With the jeep."

Whoa... she knew she hadn't spoken out loud... that it was just a freaky coincidence. "What, the back seat?"

He chuckled. "I mean takin' it. Now that we're gone... jeep's gone... hopefully no GPS on it..."

Just outside of Monterey, on their first break, Joel had disconnected the radio apparatus thingie, just in case that had anything to do with tracing their location (Joel and people in movies called that 'GPS'). He thought they probably couldn't, because it required satellites and other shit that he didn't think was operational anymore, but he wasn't taking any chances because "the government don't always tell us everything they're up to." (No shit -- but how could they? And why should they?) He didn't know how advanced their technology was. Ellie had suggested they keep communication open at first, to see if they would mention sending men out to look for them if they didn't respond or whatever... and Joel had liked that idea, but ultimately they had agreed it was too risky. That it was better not to risk inadvertently drawing the army a map leading straight to them. And since he wasn't an expert on electronics, he had disconnected anything that looked even remotely suspicious.

"We might be all right now," Joel continued. "Assumin' one of those other three guys was the one who saw you in the hall..."

"I couldn't tell, though! I barely saw him and the lighting was weird." She hadn't been able to confidently identify any of the three bodies. Well, two of the three... Joel hadn't let her look at the 'worst' one. He was too cute sometimes; it wasn't like she hadn't seen a million other dead bodies by now! If the guy's facial features were that fucked up, though, it was just as well.

"That's all right. Assumin' they don't have any security footage -- we don' know that, but it's possible -- there's no one who would recognize you. No one else even knows anything about what happened last night. Soldiers go out... disappear... they might never find the bodies. Anything coulda happened to 'em. Hunters, Infected..."

"Uh, Infected don't have the brain power to drive."

"No, but maybe they hit a band of 'em they weren't expectin'... got caught with their pants down, so to speak... someone else comes along and takes the jeep, 'cause why the hell not. Assumin' they can drive a stick."

"Oh! Yeah, that could happen, I guess." It was probably a little far-fetched still...

"Plus... they never even made it to the resort. Never talked to anyone there. They know nothin' about me... they might not even know I exist, but we're gonna assume they realize there's a boyfriend in the picture. Two civilians -- one a teenage girl, the other one presumably around her age -- killin' four armed soldiers? Don't seem very likely. They're gonna assume somethin' else happened. And it could've happened anywhere between their base and that resort. They've got a decent-sized area to cover."

"But... fuck, aren't they going to assume Golden Sands had something to do with it?"

"Where'd they stash the jeep, then?"

"I dunno... somewhere..."

"Let 'em look for it. Ray agreed not to tell anyone a thing 'til after the soldiers came an' went, so he should've been playin' dumb, pretendin' to wonder why we left... eventually 'finding' that note if he goes lookin' for us... I s'pose they'll find out more about me, whenever they do get around to the resort..."

"You think we should've gotten everyone to lie about that?" she wondered out loud. "Make it sound like two teenagers ran off?"

"We didn't have time. If we'd stayed there any longer, they would've trapped us inside. And it might've backfired, if Parker did tell his guy more about me. Anyhow, Ray will swear we must've left before sunrise, 'cause otherwise he would've seen us leave. They'll do the math... and assume we left before their men even got anywhere near the place. If they go an' start questioning folks, no one knows what--"

"Sophie sort of knows, though! Not details, of course, but she knows something made us leave."

"She understands she has to play dumb, too. Said she's good at that, remember? ...What was it you told her when we were--"

"Nothing! Nothing that had anything to do with... anything." Ellie hoped her desire to say goodbye hadn't put Sophie in danger somehow. "Okay but... I killed one of them last night, remember? They know I'm not some helpless little girl!"

He chuckled. "They know you killed a drunk, horny, unarmed motherfucker in his bedroom late at night. Bit different in the light of day with four guys prepared for... whatever. Confrontation of some kind. Point is... I think there's a good chance we're in the clear. I don' know what their protocol is, as far as what they do when men don't return when expected... or don't answer when called..."

"Before you fucked with that radio thingie, no one was even trying to call them," Ellie recalled.

"Not yet. Anyway, we got a good head start on 'em, regardless, an' they're prob'ly gonna be more concerned with findin' their men. If they believe Ray's account of us sneakin' off in the middle of the night, they could assume their disappearance had nothin' to do with you whatsoever. They'll figure it ain't likely that you would've planned on waitin' around to try to ambush them or somethin'... that would be stupid. So lookin' for you is gonna take a back seat to findin' their men... and their search radius ain't even gonna reach us as we just get farther an' farther away."

Oh man... I didn't think of it like that... "Okay, but... they still might connect it to me... the hall dude knows what I look like, and maybe he wasn't one of the four..."

"How is that gonna link you to four men goin' MIA the next day?"

"I dunno..." It's not the hall guy I'm actually worried about!

"Maybe that's even better, if he wasn't out there today. If he saw you -- saw how cute'n'sweet'n'little you are -- he's gonna say 'no way in hell did that little girl snuff out all our men'."

Ellie groaned. "Not everyone sees me that way, Joel! But -- everyone in Golden Sands is gonna think it was you who killed Shelby, thanks to your lies. Except Parker, but maybe he was out of it enough to doubt his own memory of it after talking to Ray?" He had seemed with it enough to Ellie... but she clearly wasn't the best judge of people.

"That's the idea. If not... if he knows it's a lie... maybe he'll realize the reason for it, an' he'll keep his mouth shut."

"But you don't even know the reason for it," she reminded him. "Or did you figure that out today?"

"Just... to protect you, I guess."

"Even though I don't need protection from the beach people." She didn't think his version would get back to anyone at the outpost -- that would entail one of their friends admitting that Ray had covered for them. And more likely for ANOTHER reason... fuck! "Anyways -- everyone there knows you're a bad-ass, even if they haven't witnessed it firsthand... it could still get back to the base somehow, right? Like... it would seem plausible that maybe we killed those guys."

"It's possible. Sure. I feel like people liked us there, but... maybe someone would betray us. They know which side their bread is buttered on, after all."

"Bread? What the fuck does--"

"Just an expression. Besides that... maybe it'll weigh on their conscience or somethin'. Like Parker... he's gonna be upset, if he cares about that guy as much as you said."

"Um, yeah. Definitely."

"But no one knows what happened after we left today. They may never even find the bodies. No body, no crime, as they say."

"There was a body last night, though."

"Yes, but I think that's gonna be small potatoes next to findin' the four soldiers. It's like... pickin' your battles. Does it make more sense to hunt down the young girl who was most likely just defendin' herself -- and who ran off... so clearly she ain't lookin' to cause more trouble... or do you put your energy an' resources into findin' your men?"

Ellie snorted. "Which is why you're not protecting me by claiming you killed Shelby. I mean... you want the soldiers to think it was me now?" And they've seen I wasn't just DEFENDING MYSELF... defense didn't necessitate a million stab wounds.

"Fair point. I don' know why I did it, all right? Anyhow -- whatever theories they come up with about those missin' four... even if they go talk to Golden Sands... it would just be speculation an' hearsay. Not... actionable intel, I guess you could say."

...Fuck... okay, I can't stand it-- "Joel, um... what if it wasn't just speculation and hearsay?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well... see..." Fuckfuckfuck... do I HAVE to tell him? She felt like she ought to, but it was hard. Because she knew he was going to be mad.

"Is there more to the story than what you told me? Did you see anyone else that night, or... what?"

"No..."

Joel was quiet. Patiently waiting for me to spill... FUCK... me and my big mouth... can I make something up that he'll believe instead? Something to make him just laugh at me and say "you're cute" and give me a kiss...

"Just tell me," he urged her softly. "Whatever it is, it's better that I know. So we can deal with it. ...I won't be mad."

Yeah, right! He knew that was potentially a big factor in her not telling him shit, though, so it was wise of him to say it. Ellie sighed. "Okay, um... I... sort of... didn't kill Caleb in the hotel," she said, her voice small and timid.

Joel was quiet again... already stewing in rage, maybe?!

"You... sort of... didn't kill Caleb," he repeated, not sounding rage-y so much as confused. "Either you kill someone or you don't."

"I didn't," she clarified, cringing. (And she wouldn't bother making the argument for how it is possible to sort of kill someone.) "He's... not dead. As in... he's alive."

"Damnit... I knew somethin' was up with you... if I had thought it through--"

"Which is exactly why I didn't give you a chance to, so don't feel dumb," she assured him. Like it would make a difference. To be honest, she was a bit surprised she'd gotten away with it. "I told you I killed him. Why wouldn't you believe me? But I didn't actually lie to your face -- I looked down." Lying was much easier that way! "And I made you think I was being paranoid after being... after last night... I made you feel guilty and stuff. Anyways -- I was going to do it, Joel, I swear. He wasn't trying to kill me so that made it a little harder, you know? Mentally, I mean. We were talking... I couldn't help thinking about Parker... and how I would feel if someone took you away from me like that..." ...Except I wasn't exactly thinking that in the moment? But in a roundabout way, I was!

Joel sighed. "You can't think like that. It's a shame it came to this, but that soldier became our enemy the moment--"

"I know, okay? I know I should've killed him. I know all that matters is you'n'me. But... he wasn't being like... I don't know how to describe it. He was clearly doing his job and stuff, and he said some stupid things, but he... wasn't a total dick? I was going to just talk him into letting me go -- like he could just pretend he never found me. That wasn't working, though, and then he-- omigod, I can't believe I forgot to show you this! I'll go get it!" She started to get up...

...but Joel held her in place. "Show me later. Finish tellin' me what happened."

"Okay, so... he insisted that I had to go with him, back to base. Of course I wasn't gonna do that -- I'm not that stupid -- I wasn't gonna give him my guns... and I wasn't gonna let him... er... do something else, like... -But the way we were talking... I knew he didn't think I would hurt him. That he assumed I thought of him as sort of a friend? Cuz of Parker. But I didn't! I always knew... anyway, I made him promise that nothing bad would happen to me if I went with him back to--"

"Ellie, you can't believe--"

"Will you let me finish?! He promised. He said he'd stand up for me and everything. I think he meant that, actually. They're not all dickweeds, you know. The ones you killed might've been nice under the--"

"Oh trust me, they weren't."

He's so cynical! "Whatever -- I think he meant it, but... I also think it might not've mattered in the end? He's just one guy. Maybe the others wouldn't even listen to him. Or enough of them wouldn't listen that... the bad ones would like... overrule the good ones."

"That's smart. You're exactly right."

Ellie still flushed with pride whenever Joel said things like that -- when he meant them, not just when he spewed out bullshit in order to end an argument (she could tell the difference!). "None of that even mattered, though, because... well, it was hard to imagine them leaving you alive. That's basically what it came down to, in the end. I realized I had to... stop him, if not kill him. So I just pretended I was gonna go with him, and I told him I left something upstairs -- cuz I was upstairs when he got there and I came down -- he didn't trust me going upstairs by myself, like maybe I was gonna climb out a window or something, right? But I ran up there really fast, and grabbed this like... pot... planter thing... it was in one of those like, shelves carved into the wall? And the stairs were totally inside the wall -- like there was no railing or anything, just wall, and they went around, so he didn't see me, and I waited right next to them, and the second I saw his head I threw the thing and it cracked on his head and he fell back... not all the way, though, like he was sort of leaning into the wall. And he wasn't passed out or anything, just... dazed-like. So I told him I was sorry and I pushed him -- hard -- and he tumbled backwards, and when I got to the bottom of the stairs he was passed out but still breathing. Still alive. I thought about tying him up or something but he landed weird and I couldn't move him around very good -- I could've still managed to tie his hands together if I rolled him the right way I guess but... really, that's kind of mean? He'd be stuck there waiting for hours... maybe days... in pain... maybe he'd even starve to death, right? Or -- dehydrate. You said that happens first. Can you imagine how awful it would be to be so thirsty for so long and not be able to even move... he'd have to piss himself... shit his pants... I couldn't just..." Ugh, Joel doesn't care about all that! And she'd neglected to mention something very important: "Plus I was worried about you -- I didn't have time to fuck around with that. I just wanted to go find you, help you if you needed it... so I figured it was good enough that he passed out, and I... left."

Joel absorbed all that for a painfully-long moment before replying. "I heard a gun shot."

"Yeah... I did that in case you were out there looking for me and needed to know where I was... and so you'd think I killed him," she added feebly.

He fell silent. Ellie was tempted to fill the empty air with more words... more excuses or justifications... but she remained silent, too. He would scold her when he felt like it. Or maybe I'll get lucky and he'll just fall asleep? We've been talking for a long--

"Why didn't you just tell me when I found you?" he finally said.

"Because! You would've gone right in there and put a bullet in his head. Don't even pretend you wouldn't." Or just bashed his head in with your boot, maybe...

Joel sighed again. "So... he comes to, he finds his jeep gone, he goes back to the church an' finds his buddies dead, he goes straight to the resort an' gets a ride back to base, and there goes our possible all-clear. At the very least, there goes our cushy head start."

"Maybe he broke a leg falling down the stairs and it takes him a while?" she put in hopefully. But there were no bones sticking out or anything...

"Maybe. Maybe he broke his back."

She winced. "I hope not! I mean-- sorry. I don't think he did, though. I think he's just gonna have a bitch of a headache." Or so she liked to tell herself.

"Maybe he knows how to take a tumble like that, even in his... dazed state. Maybe you gave him a concussion. You prob'ly slowed him down some, one way or another. But he knows what we did. And if he wasn't angry before... about last night? He's angry now. Any sympathy he had for you is gone."

Ellie didn't give a fuck if Caleb was angry. "What about you? Are you mad at me?"

"No."

That was too quick! "Don't lie."

"I'm... irritated, maybe. Not mad. I wish you wouldn't do this shit on your own instead of--"

"I know I know, but when I know what you're gonna say, or do... and it's not what I want... that makes it hard, you know? Last night I should've just injured the guy and left, but I killed him. Today's the opposite: I should've killed the guy, but I--"

"You should've killed 'em both times. It's never wrong to... prioritize your own safety. But today... if you had told me you couldn't go through it with, 'cause of Parker an' whatnot, I would've understood. I would've taken care of it."

Typical! "I didn't want you to take care of it. That'd be the same as me killing him."

"It wouldn't weigh on you the same as--"

"The end result is the same: Parker loses the only person in the world he really loves. It would totally fuck him up. Like, his life would be destroyed. He's young... so he'd have to live so many more years without--"

"He'd get over it. Like you said, he's young. Besides, it ain't like he's alone. He's got a whole group of--"

"He's not close to them, though! You saw it. He keeps to himself and they let him do whatever he wants and no one gives a shit." She still wasn't convinced Caleb gave much more than a shit about Parker himself, but she'd decided it didn't matter, because she knew how Parker felt. "And how do you know he'd get over it? You have no fucking clue how it would affect him. Is that what you think about me... that I'd just get over it, cuz I'm young? Fucking-- -wait, don't answer that. I already know what you're gonna say and I don't wanna hear it."

Joel gave her a big squeeze and kissed the top of her head. "You've got a huge heart, baby girl. So huge it gets you in trouble."

"But you love that about me, right?" she asked hopefully.

He groaned, as if the question was really aggravating. "I do."

"So you don't want me to change?"

"...I want you to care more about yourself than about others. You're worth more than the whole lot of 'em combined."

She kissed him for that. "Again -- you feel that way because you're in love with me."

"Nope -- it's a fact. And if I can't trust you to put yourself first... I ain't lettin' you out of my sight the whole way home."

"Ha! Like you were going to anyway. But... whatever, nothing else like this is ever gonna happen again. I'm never ever ever going to make another man think I might fuck him--"

"Never be alone with one. Period."

"Not in his bedroom, anyway. I mean, unless it's like Tommy or somebody." That had probably happened a few times already, when they'd been living with Tommy and Maria!

"Tommy's fine. No one else. I'm serious."

"Okay. I'm really sorry, Joel," she said with as much sincerity as she could verbally convey. Seriously... maybe if I'm thinking JOEL WOULDN'T LIKE THIS, that's a pretty good sign that I SHOULDN'T FUCKING DO IT? She certainly hadn't spared Caleb with the intent of prioritizing his life over Joel's. Or her own... but that was the same thing as Joel's, really. The whole what-happens-to-one-of-us thing. "Did I really fuck things up by not killing Caleb?"

"I don' know. Might not make much difference. Maybe they won't have the manpower to do much about it anyhow. All the same... I wonder if we oughta ditch the jeep."

"What? No! No no no no -- we have to keep it! It's awesome! Pleeease, Joel?"

Joel chuckled. "You sound like a little kid beggin' to keep a puppy."

"Well, is it working? Pleeeeeaaase?"

"Good thing there ain't enough moonlight in here for me to see your face real good. Your eyes."

"Bad thing, you mean..."

"I'll think on it a while. You ready to go to sleep yet?"

She wasn't, but she knew Joel was, and it probably wouldn't take her that long to get sleepy if she just shut the fuck up and laid there. "Almost. You can go to sleep, though. It's okay."

He let out a big yawn. "You've told me all your secrets now?"

"Yep. I'm glad I did. I hate not telling you things."

"Good. G'night, baby girl. Love you." He gave her a nice, sweet, not-quite-chaste kiss...

...which Ellie extended into like ten more kisses before transforming the two of them into spoons (or forks, because they did the same thing in the drawer? But Joel said it was spoons). " 'Night, Joel. Love you too." I hope I don't start having nightmares again... for his sake even more than her own. He hadn't gotten a lot of sleep last night, and she knew he needed his rest.

Joel had never slept through one of her nightmares. Sometimes she would wake up in the night with a vague sense of unease and find him awake, telling her to go back to sleep... then, if she remembered that in the morning, she would ask him if she'd been starting to have a nightmare, and he would say yes. She had learned at some point that there were also times she either didn't wake up or didn't remember waking up -- meaning she'd still disrupted Joel's sleep. I hope HE doesn't start having nightmares again, too! He had them kind of a lot after Sacramento. Not so much lately...

She'd forgotten to ask him what had woken him up last night, if he even knew. He'd been dressed and everything so she knew it wasn't her approaching footsteps that had roused him. He'd been sleeping so well... had he eventually sensed that she wasn't there? Or did he have a nightmare? ...Maybe he had a nightmare because his subconscious sensed she wasn't there?! I'm sorry, Joel...

She needed to not think about last night. Like Joel said. The day had been so busy... so strange... if she'd just been hanging out at the beach, it was highly unlikely she'd have made it through the whole day without crying. She might have sat there in the cabana, stewing for a while... then when she'd had enough of that, she would run into the ocean and let the waves slap her around... Sometimes it's GOOD to feel stuff, to let it consume you and then let it go...

But she didn't want to think about this shit. And just thinking about the ocean -- about possibly not seeing it again -- made her sad.

So don't think about it -- think about JOEL... and how awesome he is... and how lucky you are...

"Ellie," he whispered.

She had thought he was almost asleep! "Yeah?"

"You ain't sleepy enough yet... to fall asleep... are ya."

"I should be. I didn't nap that long today, right? I'm sorry -- go to sleep. I'll quit... doing whatever I was doing that--"

"You weren't doin' anything. I can stay up with you, if you want. Do your hair... whatever."

Aww! She knew he was tired as fuck -- she was pretty sure he'd already started to doze off -- but he must have realized it would be hard for her to drown out her shit right now. "You are so sweet -- but I'm okay. Really. You know what would really help me?"

"What's that?"

"If you would go to sleep, so I can listen to you." The rhythm of his deep breathing should lull her into slumber soon enough.

"I can do that," he yawned. "Maybe you can listen to my heartbeat in the meantime, yeah?"

"Good idea." She shifted her head into a better position over his chest. And he totally just made me yaaaaawwnnn...

"I can... still do your hair, like this..."

"Or just rest your hand in it," she suggested. "Go to sleeeeeeep..."

"Mm."

With his arms around her, his hand in her hair... his heart thumping sweetly in her ear... she felt warm and safe and loved. I'm gonna be okay. It wasn't always as simple as 'mind over matter,' but... for now, she was good.

Joel did fall asleep first, adding that soothing sleep-breathing -- just shy of being an actual snore -- to her nest of comforts. Annoyingly, it was only then that she remembered she hadn't fetched the thing she'd meant to show him. Oh well... it's not the right time, obviously, cuz he's so tired... it'll keep.


~Continue to Chapter 13~