![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12~Continued from C14 Part 1~
"Uh... all right." Is she having a panic attack? Shit-- "It's kinda dark in here for 5 4 3 2 1... unless we skip the 5, maybe..." (Someone at the beach had taught them a new grounding technique.)
"I don't care-- just-- talk? No -- sing! Even better."
"Sing?"
"But not something from... -Sing something from when you were my age. First one to pop into your head."
But they had sung some of those at campfire, too -- which is what he assumed she was referring to with the truncated 'not something from' remark. Her breathing didn't sound labored to him, so it couldn't be a panic attack... unless maybe she's fighting one off? He wasn't sure how that worked, but there were times she seemed to be on the brink of having one and then didn't. Kind of like stifling a sneeze: she did have some control over it, sometimes. He resisted the urge to scoot in close to her; he knew she had rolled away for a reason. All right, let's see... we need something fun... we did do some Brad Paisley on the beach...
...But I don't think we did this one? "You asked for it... this one came out when I was your age. Exactly your age, as I recall." He cleared his throat and took a deep breath, then started singing to her -- softly and tenderly, though the song itself was neither soft nor tender:
"Plowin' these fields in the hot summer sun
Over by the gate, Lordy here she comes
With a basket full of chicken
And a big cold jug of sweet tea
I make a little room and she climbs on up
I open up the throttle and stir a little dust
Just look at her face, she ain't a foolin' me
She thinks my tractor's sexy
It really turns her on
She's always starin' at me
While I'm chuggin' along
She likes the way it's pullin' while we're tillin' up her land
She's even kinda crazy 'bout my farmer's tan
She's the only one who really understands what gets me
She thinks my tractor's sexy--"
Ellie rudely interrupted him with a laugh. "Did you actually have a tractor? No -- you said you never lived on a farm. Just that you've worked on them before..."
"I've driven a tractor, yes. Did I own one? No. But I can still like the song, can't I?" It was just as well that she stopped him: he was pretty sure he didn't remember all the lyrics of the second verse. Not that Ellie would know the difference if he made shit up, but...
"You're singing it all sweet but the lyrics are like... uh..."
"What? Nothin' wrong with the lyrics." It pleased him that she'd picked up on the words and his tone not quite jiving, though.
"Okay but they're kind of dumb. Tractors aren't sexy."
"Well, the girl in the song thought they were. Remember what I said? People like what they like."
"Ha -- you said who they like. As in, people. Not farm equipment!"
"Point is, she likes me more 'cause I'm on a tractor. That's all."
Ellie scooted backwards into the spooning position, which had to be the most natural way they could lay while cuffed together. "Well, I like you no matter what you're sitting on," she informed him. "Or driving, or whatever. That chick can just fuck off."
"Oh, she's long since fucked off. She found some other dude with a bigger tractor."
"Good!" she giggled.
Guess it's been long enough... "You all right now?"
"Yeah... I wasn't really not all right... it was just like a flash. I'm fine. Thanks to your awesome singing. So... thank you!"
"At your service, ma'am."
She squirmed a bit, like she was trying to get more comfortable, then sighed. "Joel, what if we can't get these fucking things off? Do we... go all the way back to Monterey and look for the--"
"Hell no. We ain't goin' back there for that." He knew he wouldn't have just ditched those keys in the street; he'd been more concerned about covering their tracks, since he hadn't yet learned that his efforts would make no difference.
"It would probably be easier than trying to backtrack to everywhere I could've possibly dropped the-- Oh! I know! We shoot them off!"
"Shoot. As in, with a gun?"
"Yeah! Why didn't we think of that before?"
Surely she's joking. "I don' know... maybe 'cause we like havin' two hands? ...each?"
"Duh, we wouldn't shoot our hands. If you're that worried about aiming... it would just be the chain part. Like our hands would be completely out of the way. Then we can at least--"
"Closer even than point blank range? I ain't worried about aim. But what do you think is gonna happen to the chain? There's no way we don't get injured."
"Have you done it before?" A challenging tone.
"Done what -- shoot off a pair of handcuffs? Can't say I've ever been that stupid, no."
"Then you don't know that that's what would happen. But if you're too scared to--"
"It ain't about bein' scared. It's about no way are we gonna be that goddamn stupid."
"Okay okay -- I just remembered something else. Remember in that Titanic movie? That girl whacked the handcuff chain off with a--"
"No. We ain't doin' any of that crazy shit. Now c'mon... I gotta take a leak." -and change the subject.
"What? Can't you skip that this one time?" she whined.
"Uh... no? Can you, when you gotta go?"
"But you don't really have to -- it's just your after-sex thing. It's totally mental."
"Still. Up." He sat up, tugging her connected arm up with him.
"Okay, I guess I don't want you pissing the bed," she grumbled, standing up with him.
He hugged her from behind and dropped a kiss on her neck. "Hopefully I'm dead before I get to that stage."
"Joel! Don't even joke about that!" she scolded him.
"Put your pants back on... your underwear in there? ...Good. I think your shoes are by the door. ...I'll just grab my--"
"Hey! Hold on a sec!" she laughed as he moved toward the flashlight and pistol on the nightstand, timing it perfectly to make her lose her one-legged balance.
"Oh, I'm sorry," he mock-apologized. "You need some help?"
She punched his arm just barely hard enough to hurt. "Oh good -- we're bringing a light, because we are going to look everywhere for those fucking keys. Either the one I lost -- cuz maybe that happened in here? -- or the whole set that you lost."
"So now you want to go downstairs with me, hm?" He slipped into his boots while Ellie wrestled with her jeans. "Be much easier in the daytime, you know."
"Is that really what happens when you get old?" she blurted.
The shift in subject was so abrupt that it took Joel a moment for her meaning to register. "What, bedwettin'? Unfortunately, yes. As I recall, it usually starts around... fifty-one, I think is the normal age."
She didn't reply right away... like she was trying to determine if he was messing with her. "Shut up. That's not a normal number!"
"What do you mean?"
"It would be either fifty or fifty-five, not fifty-one."
"It don't have to be a nice round number. Back in olden times, when people had more time on their hands, they did studies on things like this. That's the average it came out to be."
"Yeah, right. Like you'd remember!"
" 'Course I do. I'm almost there, ain't I? I reckon I've only got a few good months left. Then my baby girl won't wanna sleep with me no more."
"You just said you wanted to die before you got that old!" She yanked him over to where she'd left her shoes.
"Ow." He chuckled at how angrily she was jerking his hand around. "You think I wanna sleep without you? I'd rather be dead." There, now, that was pretty sweet, maybe she'll--
"I never said I wouldn't share the bed with you just cuz you pissed in it," she informed him graciously. "I so wouldn't care."
"...Really? Good to know. What about shittin'?" he asked, all innocence.
"Ewww! Shit too?!"
"That don't start 'til around... fifty-two."
She glared at him so hard he could feel it. "Shut up!"
"Fifty-poo, I s'pose you could--"
"You're such a dork -- and a total fucking liar!" She slugged him, repeatedly -- a bit harder this time.
"Whoa whoa whoa," he laughed. "Easy!"
"Admit that you're just being a dick! Then I'll stop!"
He caught her wrist and held it fast, nullifying her offer. "You were sayin'?"
"Fucking-- uuuggghhh!" Now she was trying to pry his hand off with her shackled right hand.
He let go... but only to grab it with his right hand, which made it all the harder for her right hand to be of any use to her. "This is a fun toy you got here..."
"Joooeeelllll!" she groaned.
He hugged her close, pressing both of her arms along with his right one to his chest, and kissed the top of her head. "And you are real fun to mess with."
"Asshole," she muttered... but he detected amusement now, at least.
He walked them downstairs that way, without using the flashlight, bumping into things and stumbling a bit and generally moving in a very awkward fashion, apologizing left and right to a giggling Ellie, who seemed to think he was just messing with her some more when in fact some of the missteps were legitimate. He watered a tree near the back patio while Ellie 'stood watch.' He briefly considered pretending he had to shit as well, and whipping up some bullshit about how he can only wipe with his right hand, so hers would have to help out there... but ultimately decided he'd tormented her enough. She wrangled the flashlight from him and started sweeping the yard in search of the key -- including places Joel was sure they'd never set foot on. Like it might just be laying around, of its own accord, in some random spot.
Rather than allow her to search through all their bags and retrace all their steps or whatever the hell else she might do before getting around to the jeep, Joel decided to come clean. "Ellie, forget about findin' that dinky little key -- I think I know where those other keys are," he announced when they went back inside.
"You do?! Why didn't you say-- ugh! I should've known. I should've fucking known you wouldn't be so calm if you didn't!"
"I thought it might be fun to spend a night attached to each other. You always complain I roll away from you in the night... now, I wouldn't be able to." Whether it was just a normal part of sleeping comfortably or it was his subconscious 'protecting' Ellie from him, he couldn't say... but he didn't do it as often nowadays as he used to.
"That's true! So... you changed your mind because...?"
"Because this thing on my wrist ain't that comfortable."
"No shit!"
"And if it ain't comfortable for me, it prob'ly ain't comfortable for you, either. So... I reckon it's better I let you go." He sighed in defeat.
"Aww. Or -- you're tired of me beating you up. Since you're too sexist to hit back."
She liked to tease him about being sexist on various matters... but on this one, he knew she liked that he refused to hit back. Even in jest. "I'm a lover, not a fighter. But you do hit harder with your--"
"Wait wait wait... did you really just say I'm a lover, not a fighter? Seriously? HA! So fucking corny!"
Only for you, baby girl~ He grabbed the flashlight from her and set off toward the garage, tugging her along. "As I was sayin', we're freein' up your stronger arm if we get these things off, so if I was tired of you beatin' me up, I'd be wiser to let things be. I can... contain you just fine with my left."
"Contain me?" she smirked. "...Why do I want that to be something dirty now..."
He snorted. "Prob'ly 'cause you're a naughty girl. All right, here we go..." He traded the flashlight for the dome light, since his hand didn't need to 'look' under the seat. He knelt beside the jeep on the driver's side, pulled a couple of things out from beneath the seat, then thrust his arm under there and felt around. Bingo! He jingled the keys for effect, but said nothing.
Ellie gasped. "Joel! I think that's them!"
"Yeah?"
"Doesn't it feel like keys? It fucking sounds like keys!"
"...Uh-oh."
"What?!"
"I... think my arm is stuck. Can you-- whoa, hey, take it easy, will you?" He laughed as she slugged his other arm again; he was probably going to have a bruise there tomorrow. "I was gonna ask if you could pull with all your might an' maybe unstick me. Not hit me with all--"
"You're not fucking stuck -- and this is not me hitting you as hard as I can. Trust me, you do not want me to do that."
"...I kinda do, now that you said it." He couldn't help being curious.
"Ha! Don't tempt me!"
"I'll make you a deal. You hit me with me everything you've got, and I'll return the favor."
"No you won't -- you're such a fucking liar!"
"You keep callin' me that. Hurts my feelin's. Are you gonna pull me out or not?"
"I'll hurt more than your feelings," she growled. "Fine -- I'll go along with your stupid little game."
She pulled hard enough with just that one arm that Joel had to offer up more resistance than expected to keep up the charade. "You're gettin' strong," he observed.
"Told you I'm not a little girl anymore," she said smugly. "But... fuck, you really aren't budging..."
"Told you I'm stuck," he echoed her tone. "I think you're helpin', though..."
She groaned and pulled even harder. Joel considered doing a bit where he all of a sudden breaks loose and they both go flying, but since they weren't in the bedroom with a nice soft bed to land on, he decided against it. "There we go... thanks, kiddo -- I thought we were gonna have another problem on our hands."
"Who the fuck gets stuck under a car seat? ...You weren't really stuck," she accused him, though she sounded uncertain.
He sat in the driver seat and made a big show of vigorously rubbing his newly-freed arm. "I feel stupid enough already, thank you."
Ellie, of course, was forced to mime the motion limp-handed -- at least until she grabbed his arm at the right point to make just the chain move up and down. She appeared to be studying him now. "I thought guys liked to show off for their girlfriends. Not... make themselves look stupid on purpose?"
"Exactly. So why would I do it on purpose?" Besides the fact that you're CUTE when you're annoyed... or confused...
"Gee, I dunno... because you like fucking with me?!"
"Fine. Sure. I was just fuckin' with you. You wanna help me figure out which key it is?" He was pretty sure he'd already spotted it.
She was still eyeing him suspiciously, and Joel had to resist the urge to tug her in for a little kiss. "That didn't sound like you meant it," she said.
He chuckled. "I cop to it, an' now you don't believe that, either? Just forget it an' help me find the key, will ya?"
She looked at him another moment and then started to climb into the jeep -- started, but immediately paused. "Should I sit with you?"
"Always." He was a little surprised that she asked him instead of plopping herself on his lap like she usually did.
And then he remembered. He'd actually forgotten for a little while. Well, she did want me to PLAY with her... and she didn't seem to have any issues with it, even when I immobilized her... no hangups about that, or about sex, but sitting on my lap is problematic? "You can sit over there if you want. If you're more comfortable. Or jus' stand right there."
"No, I want to sit with you. I thought... maybe you wouldn't... I dunno." She had to squirm and squiggle a bit to find a comfy position on his lap with her right arm draped across herself... until he helped her out by lifting their arms up so he could hold her more or less the normal way, with both of their right hands resting in her lap.
She picked up the key ring with her left hand and frowned at it. "Fuck, why does this dude have so many keys?"
Joel put his left arm around her as well, which pretty much left the key-finding up to her. He could just let this go, since she had moved on to the keys. She makes it too easy. But... damnit... Sometimes she made these seemingly casual remarks as a way of indicating she needed to talk through something. He had previously dismissed troublesome comments from her without addressing the issue, due to bad timing, and then hadn't circled back to it later. And... they probably should talk about some of the sexual shit. The sex-as-manipulation thing, the possibility of her faking orgasms... but that can wait. Hell -- maybe he was being too hard on her, in his head... letting that stuff bother him. His reason for wanting to mess around tonight wasn't the purest, either. Sex as... procrastination of a chore because I'm just that lazy?
But if there was shit she was carrying around that he could unburden her of -- well, he needed to root that out. "Why wouldn't I want you in my lap, hm?" he asked her gently.
She toyed with the keys. "Just... you know."
"...I asked because I don't know."
"If it would make you think of..."
"Make me think of that? I wasn't even there." A fact he would continue to regret.
She shrugged. Stared hard at the damn keys.
He wondered if she just didn't want to admit she was uncomfortable. "It's okay if you'd rather sit--"
"No! I told you -- that has nothing to do with you'n'me."
"All right." She was leaning into him like normal... she certainly didn't seem ill at ease with him, other than not being able to tell him what was bothering her...
And now an awkward silence hung between them.
Well, shit... do I push her, or let her be... does she need to talk about it, or forget about it? Joel tended to go the 'forget about it' route himself, and Ellie did as well, more often than not -- but maybe some of that was just her following his lead?
Still... they'd talked about the incident at length already. And he'd given her an opening, if she felt like she needed one. Now she was absorbed in the task of finding the right key. She tried out various little ones, twisting them into the lock... no dice so far.
Actually... she LOOKS absorbed, but it's more like... she's TRYING to look absorbed? "Don't force it," he advised. "If it don't go right in, it ain't the right one."
She sighed. "Unless I'm doing it wrong. Gotta force it at least a little."
He was watching her face more than her fumbling with the keys. He was watching her face more than her fumbling with the keys; he was pretty sure she was just buying time because she wanted to talk, and just hadn't quite worked out her thoughts yet. He brought his left hand up to smooth her hair back and tuck it behind her ear. Screw it... I can at least ASK... "Ellie, are you okay?"
"Of course." Said a little too automatically for Joel's liking.
"It's okay if you ain't... if you--"
"We had sex, didn't we?" she snapped, looking up from the keys just long enough to glare at him. Maybe 'glare' wasn't quite the right word for it... it was more of a challenging look.
What does she mean by that? ...Was she using sex to try to prove something? What does that even have to do with sitting on my lap? ...I don't want to make assumptions, though-- "I don't understand," he said simply. "Can you explain it to me?"
"Just-- I think if I was gonna be fucked up about it, I wouldn't've been... I mean... I prob'ly would've freaked out already."
It was either black or it was white, apparently. "So... you've got two modes: completely okay or losin' your shit? Nothin' in between?"
"Well... I had that one flash... but it wasn't even a big deal. And I'm... with you now. I'm not thinking... I mean, I very much know it's you, right here. Ugh... I can't explain it... it sounds stupid, I know..."
"No it don't. I know when you're havin' a panic attack, your brain is takin' you somewhere else." Or... her body was, more than her brain, but it was all intertwined. Joel's experience with panic was somewhat different: mainly, he was missing the "I'm going to die" component, even when he was all out of sorts after a nightmare.
She worried at her lip... which wasn't something he'd seen her do that often. She'd stopped trying to 'find' the key... still wasn't looking at him. But he knew what she looked like when she wasn't 'with' him, as she'd put it, and this wasn't that. It felt more like she was thinking about something, letting the thoughts tumble around in her head rather than ramble out of her mouth.
Again, Joel wondered if he should press her to talk or just let her be. Guess it wouldn't hurt to ask-- "What're you thinkin' about, baby girl? Can you tell me?"
She didn't answer. ...All right... I can just sit with her, then, as long as she wants...
"Why aren't you more pissed at me?" she asked softly.
"For what?"
"For what I did! You're being too nice. Still."
"You called me an asshole before, among other things... now I'm nice?" he teased.
"You know you are. I like... practically cheated on you."
That declaration surprised him. "I wouldn't call it that."
She started toying idly with the keys in her lap. "I would. I was thinking about it, and... if you did that with some woman? Fuck, I wouldn't care if you told me you didn't want to. That you only did it cuz you had to... thought you had to... It's not like there was a gun to your head. You could tell me you hated every second of it -- hated betraying me, hated... touching her, kissing her, whatever you ended up doing -- and I... don't know if I'd believe you. I would wonder... if some part of you did enjoy it."
Joel had to give her credit: she was honest as hell when she did decide to open up to him. And... had he somehow given her the impression that he'd wondered that very thing? Because he had -- of course he had -- but only for fleeting moments. And not quite in the manner she was implying. "I know you didn't enjoy it. That it was never about... enjoyin' it."
"But I still did it. I didn't think about how it would make you feel. I just figured... either you'd never find out about it, or if I told you, I could like... frame it different. Tell you what was going on without all the details."
...Like leaving out the assault? Tiny little detail, that. "Then you did think about how it would make me feel. You had it worked out so I wouldn't have to know. No harm, no foul. Let me ask you this: goin' in, if you'd known that I would hear all about it afterwards, would you still have done it?"
"...I don't think so... I mean... I kept thinking, Joel would kill me if he could see me right now... like, not in that fun, joking way I might think that sometimes? It was just the most horrible... awful feeling. It literally made me feel sick."
You ain't the one I would've killed. "I'll take that as a no. Don't beat yourself up over it, then. You had good intentions."
She ignored this. "If it was you... you wouldn't have ever done it in the first place, but--"
"I ain't fifteen years old. Don't beat yourself up over that one, either." Despite the anger he'd felt toward her about the whole thing, he didn't want to hear her berate herself for it.
"Almost sixteen! But if you did... I think I might hate you a little bit," she confessed.
"Only a lil' bit?" Joel said lightly. "How does that work? Is it on the same level as a... a minor irritation? I wouldn't call that hate."
"Okay, maybe a lot, then? If that makes you happy?"
"It does." Because I just made you smile a little... "I could never hate you. Even if you enjoyed the hell out of it--"
"I didn't!" she cried.
"--I still wouldn't hate you. But you'n'me... we don't always feel the same way about things, do we? We don't... think the same way. So just 'cause you hate somethin'... that don't mean I would hate it, too."
She was quiet a moment, as if pondering what he'd said. "I guess that makes sense. You don't always let me know how you feel about stuff, though. Especially if you think it's going to upset me."
"Fair enough. But I promise you, I ain't mad about that. To be honest... I did wonder if you maybe enjoyed the attention, at first. Before it went south."
"No! I didn't!" she said earnestly.
At least she's looking at me now. "It can feel good, knowin' someone else finds you attractive. That's all. And maybe there was a thrill in the whole... sneakin' out, doin' somethin' you know I wouldn't approve of--"
"No no no it wasn't like that at all! I swear!"
"All right. I wouldn't be mad, if it was. I think that's part of growin' up."
"I'm already grown up!" she protested -- but every time she said something like that, it only made Joel think of how untrue it was.
"In some ways." Sometimes, it was real easy to forget how young she was. Other times, it was painfully obvious.
"I'm grown up enough that you decided we didn't need to wait 'til I turned eighteen to have sex anymore," she pointed out.
Joel cringed inwardly at that. "That... has more to do with me. Not you. My failure to do right by--"
"You didn't fail at anything!"
"That's a conversation for another time." Or possibly never. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay... if you're just worried about me secretly bein' mad at you, don't be. If I ain't... doin' anything that... makes you uncomfortable..."
"You're not! I was thinking, though... this is kind of how we were sitting. Me and him. Except I was facing the other way. Without the handcuffs, of course. And he wasn't even doing anything like... he didn't shove his hand up my shirt, or--"
"Ellie, you don't have to--"
"No, calm down -- he didn't do anything bad. Physically... it wasn't different from this."
"...Okay... ?"
"But even though it wasn't different -- it just was. I wasn't relaxed. At all. Your arms, being around me like this... it's nice. I like it. His? In the exact same position? Creeped me out."
Please don't tell me details... But he didn't want to shut this down if she needed to get it out.
"And when he wanted to kiss me... eww." She leaned in and rested her forehead against Joel's. "We were never this close. I turned away from him. But if we had kissed... it would've been... lips touching. Not so different from you and-- oh! Except you're the best kisser ever, of course. So... totally different." She gave him a smirky little kiss.
He smiled a little. "And your point is...?"
"That it's the same, but it's fucking different. The difference is... I love you. And you love me back. Somehow... all the actions, or circumstances... whatever... they can all be the same, but they feel soooo different, because of that. And I don't know how the fuck people can fuck people they don't love. How would it even feel good at all?"
"Well, you know how it is -- there's fuckin', an' there's makin' love--"
"Even then! The fucking part. I don't get it. I was so grossed out, completely not turned on..."
Joel could have brought up that little thing called chemistry, or lust, but... he found it rather sweet that Ellie looked at it this way. And it was reassuring on some level -- to some piece of him that he hadn't even realized needed such reassurance -- that she apparently hadn't felt even the slightest attraction to that sack of shit. "I hope you never sleep with someone you don't love, then."
"I won't! Only you!" she declared.
"I mean... after."
"Only you," she repeated, and she hugged his neck with her free arm. "I'm never going to be with anyone else. Ever."
He stroked her hair soothingly. "All right." He knew that she knew he wasn't actually "all right" with that, because Ellie would likely be in the prime of her life when he passed on. To condemn her to live the rest of her days without ever experiencing intimacy with another person was just... unconscionable. It wasn't a matter that either of them liked to think about, though, and they were both content to table it pretty much immediately whenever it came up. Like now.
"I'm sorry about before," she mumbled. "I was mean to you about getting stuck under the seat."
Ha! Joel wondered what made her think of that just then. He could tell her he was actually just pulling her leg all along... she'd be so mad... but he found that he didn't want to. So, I guess my little farce is the truth now-- she can tell everyone back home and they can all have themselves a little laugh at my expense-- "It was a pretty dumb thing to do. I don't blame you for not believin' it. 'Specially since I just finished tellin' you how not-stupid I am 'cause I've never messed around with guns'n'handcuffs. How 'bout we get ourselves unhitched now, yeah?"
She pulled back. "Okay -- pretty sure I found the right one. A long time ago, actually. I just... yeah -- it's this one here... doesn't it look exactly the same as Bill's? So, teamwork time -- if you can kinda pull there when I turn it..." Moments later, they were free. "Yessss! I can give you a real hug now!" She flung her arms around him without even rubbing the soreness out of her wrist first.
Joel returned the hug. "Good job, kiddo."
"It's a little sad, though, being two separate people again, isn't it?" she sighed.
"It is. In fact, I'm prob'ly gonna cry myself to sleep tonight."
That prospect seemed to amuse her. "Aww, don't worry -- you're still stuck with me. Foreeeeevvvveeerrrrrr."
He kissed her temple and hugged her tight. "Thank God for that."
~Continue to Chapter 15~
"Uh... all right." Is she having a panic attack? Shit-- "It's kinda dark in here for 5 4 3 2 1... unless we skip the 5, maybe..." (Someone at the beach had taught them a new grounding technique.)
"I don't care-- just-- talk? No -- sing! Even better."
"Sing?"
"But not something from... -Sing something from when you were my age. First one to pop into your head."
But they had sung some of those at campfire, too -- which is what he assumed she was referring to with the truncated 'not something from' remark. Her breathing didn't sound labored to him, so it couldn't be a panic attack... unless maybe she's fighting one off? He wasn't sure how that worked, but there were times she seemed to be on the brink of having one and then didn't. Kind of like stifling a sneeze: she did have some control over it, sometimes. He resisted the urge to scoot in close to her; he knew she had rolled away for a reason. All right, let's see... we need something fun... we did do some Brad Paisley on the beach...
...But I don't think we did this one? "You asked for it... this one came out when I was your age. Exactly your age, as I recall." He cleared his throat and took a deep breath, then started singing to her -- softly and tenderly, though the song itself was neither soft nor tender:
"Plowin' these fields in the hot summer sun
Over by the gate, Lordy here she comes
With a basket full of chicken
And a big cold jug of sweet tea
I make a little room and she climbs on up
I open up the throttle and stir a little dust
Just look at her face, she ain't a foolin' me
She thinks my tractor's sexy
It really turns her on
She's always starin' at me
While I'm chuggin' along
She likes the way it's pullin' while we're tillin' up her land
She's even kinda crazy 'bout my farmer's tan
She's the only one who really understands what gets me
She thinks my tractor's sexy--"
Ellie rudely interrupted him with a laugh. "Did you actually have a tractor? No -- you said you never lived on a farm. Just that you've worked on them before..."
"I've driven a tractor, yes. Did I own one? No. But I can still like the song, can't I?" It was just as well that she stopped him: he was pretty sure he didn't remember all the lyrics of the second verse. Not that Ellie would know the difference if he made shit up, but...
"You're singing it all sweet but the lyrics are like... uh..."
"What? Nothin' wrong with the lyrics." It pleased him that she'd picked up on the words and his tone not quite jiving, though.
"Okay but they're kind of dumb. Tractors aren't sexy."
"Well, the girl in the song thought they were. Remember what I said? People like what they like."
"Ha -- you said who they like. As in, people. Not farm equipment!"
"Point is, she likes me more 'cause I'm on a tractor. That's all."
Ellie scooted backwards into the spooning position, which had to be the most natural way they could lay while cuffed together. "Well, I like you no matter what you're sitting on," she informed him. "Or driving, or whatever. That chick can just fuck off."
"Oh, she's long since fucked off. She found some other dude with a bigger tractor."
"Good!" she giggled.
Guess it's been long enough... "You all right now?"
"Yeah... I wasn't really not all right... it was just like a flash. I'm fine. Thanks to your awesome singing. So... thank you!"
"At your service, ma'am."
She squirmed a bit, like she was trying to get more comfortable, then sighed. "Joel, what if we can't get these fucking things off? Do we... go all the way back to Monterey and look for the--"
"Hell no. We ain't goin' back there for that." He knew he wouldn't have just ditched those keys in the street; he'd been more concerned about covering their tracks, since he hadn't yet learned that his efforts would make no difference.
"It would probably be easier than trying to backtrack to everywhere I could've possibly dropped the-- Oh! I know! We shoot them off!"
"Shoot. As in, with a gun?"
"Yeah! Why didn't we think of that before?"
Surely she's joking. "I don' know... maybe 'cause we like havin' two hands? ...each?"
"Duh, we wouldn't shoot our hands. If you're that worried about aiming... it would just be the chain part. Like our hands would be completely out of the way. Then we can at least--"
"Closer even than point blank range? I ain't worried about aim. But what do you think is gonna happen to the chain? There's no way we don't get injured."
"Have you done it before?" A challenging tone.
"Done what -- shoot off a pair of handcuffs? Can't say I've ever been that stupid, no."
"Then you don't know that that's what would happen. But if you're too scared to--"
"It ain't about bein' scared. It's about no way are we gonna be that goddamn stupid."
"Okay okay -- I just remembered something else. Remember in that Titanic movie? That girl whacked the handcuff chain off with a--"
"No. We ain't doin' any of that crazy shit. Now c'mon... I gotta take a leak." -and change the subject.
"What? Can't you skip that this one time?" she whined.
"Uh... no? Can you, when you gotta go?"
"But you don't really have to -- it's just your after-sex thing. It's totally mental."
"Still. Up." He sat up, tugging her connected arm up with him.
"Okay, I guess I don't want you pissing the bed," she grumbled, standing up with him.
He hugged her from behind and dropped a kiss on her neck. "Hopefully I'm dead before I get to that stage."
"Joel! Don't even joke about that!" she scolded him.
"Put your pants back on... your underwear in there? ...Good. I think your shoes are by the door. ...I'll just grab my--"
"Hey! Hold on a sec!" she laughed as he moved toward the flashlight and pistol on the nightstand, timing it perfectly to make her lose her one-legged balance.
"Oh, I'm sorry," he mock-apologized. "You need some help?"
She punched his arm just barely hard enough to hurt. "Oh good -- we're bringing a light, because we are going to look everywhere for those fucking keys. Either the one I lost -- cuz maybe that happened in here? -- or the whole set that you lost."
"So now you want to go downstairs with me, hm?" He slipped into his boots while Ellie wrestled with her jeans. "Be much easier in the daytime, you know."
"Is that really what happens when you get old?" she blurted.
The shift in subject was so abrupt that it took Joel a moment for her meaning to register. "What, bedwettin'? Unfortunately, yes. As I recall, it usually starts around... fifty-one, I think is the normal age."
She didn't reply right away... like she was trying to determine if he was messing with her. "Shut up. That's not a normal number!"
"What do you mean?"
"It would be either fifty or fifty-five, not fifty-one."
"It don't have to be a nice round number. Back in olden times, when people had more time on their hands, they did studies on things like this. That's the average it came out to be."
"Yeah, right. Like you'd remember!"
" 'Course I do. I'm almost there, ain't I? I reckon I've only got a few good months left. Then my baby girl won't wanna sleep with me no more."
"You just said you wanted to die before you got that old!" She yanked him over to where she'd left her shoes.
"Ow." He chuckled at how angrily she was jerking his hand around. "You think I wanna sleep without you? I'd rather be dead." There, now, that was pretty sweet, maybe she'll--
"I never said I wouldn't share the bed with you just cuz you pissed in it," she informed him graciously. "I so wouldn't care."
"...Really? Good to know. What about shittin'?" he asked, all innocence.
"Ewww! Shit too?!"
"That don't start 'til around... fifty-two."
She glared at him so hard he could feel it. "Shut up!"
"Fifty-poo, I s'pose you could--"
"You're such a dork -- and a total fucking liar!" She slugged him, repeatedly -- a bit harder this time.
"Whoa whoa whoa," he laughed. "Easy!"
"Admit that you're just being a dick! Then I'll stop!"
He caught her wrist and held it fast, nullifying her offer. "You were sayin'?"
"Fucking-- uuuggghhh!" Now she was trying to pry his hand off with her shackled right hand.
He let go... but only to grab it with his right hand, which made it all the harder for her right hand to be of any use to her. "This is a fun toy you got here..."
"Joooeeelllll!" she groaned.
He hugged her close, pressing both of her arms along with his right one to his chest, and kissed the top of her head. "And you are real fun to mess with."
"Asshole," she muttered... but he detected amusement now, at least.
He walked them downstairs that way, without using the flashlight, bumping into things and stumbling a bit and generally moving in a very awkward fashion, apologizing left and right to a giggling Ellie, who seemed to think he was just messing with her some more when in fact some of the missteps were legitimate. He watered a tree near the back patio while Ellie 'stood watch.' He briefly considered pretending he had to shit as well, and whipping up some bullshit about how he can only wipe with his right hand, so hers would have to help out there... but ultimately decided he'd tormented her enough. She wrangled the flashlight from him and started sweeping the yard in search of the key -- including places Joel was sure they'd never set foot on. Like it might just be laying around, of its own accord, in some random spot.
Rather than allow her to search through all their bags and retrace all their steps or whatever the hell else she might do before getting around to the jeep, Joel decided to come clean. "Ellie, forget about findin' that dinky little key -- I think I know where those other keys are," he announced when they went back inside.
"You do?! Why didn't you say-- ugh! I should've known. I should've fucking known you wouldn't be so calm if you didn't!"
"I thought it might be fun to spend a night attached to each other. You always complain I roll away from you in the night... now, I wouldn't be able to." Whether it was just a normal part of sleeping comfortably or it was his subconscious 'protecting' Ellie from him, he couldn't say... but he didn't do it as often nowadays as he used to.
"That's true! So... you changed your mind because...?"
"Because this thing on my wrist ain't that comfortable."
"No shit!"
"And if it ain't comfortable for me, it prob'ly ain't comfortable for you, either. So... I reckon it's better I let you go." He sighed in defeat.
"Aww. Or -- you're tired of me beating you up. Since you're too sexist to hit back."
She liked to tease him about being sexist on various matters... but on this one, he knew she liked that he refused to hit back. Even in jest. "I'm a lover, not a fighter. But you do hit harder with your--"
"Wait wait wait... did you really just say I'm a lover, not a fighter? Seriously? HA! So fucking corny!"
Only for you, baby girl~ He grabbed the flashlight from her and set off toward the garage, tugging her along. "As I was sayin', we're freein' up your stronger arm if we get these things off, so if I was tired of you beatin' me up, I'd be wiser to let things be. I can... contain you just fine with my left."
"Contain me?" she smirked. "...Why do I want that to be something dirty now..."
He snorted. "Prob'ly 'cause you're a naughty girl. All right, here we go..." He traded the flashlight for the dome light, since his hand didn't need to 'look' under the seat. He knelt beside the jeep on the driver's side, pulled a couple of things out from beneath the seat, then thrust his arm under there and felt around. Bingo! He jingled the keys for effect, but said nothing.
Ellie gasped. "Joel! I think that's them!"
"Yeah?"
"Doesn't it feel like keys? It fucking sounds like keys!"
"...Uh-oh."
"What?!"
"I... think my arm is stuck. Can you-- whoa, hey, take it easy, will you?" He laughed as she slugged his other arm again; he was probably going to have a bruise there tomorrow. "I was gonna ask if you could pull with all your might an' maybe unstick me. Not hit me with all--"
"You're not fucking stuck -- and this is not me hitting you as hard as I can. Trust me, you do not want me to do that."
"...I kinda do, now that you said it." He couldn't help being curious.
"Ha! Don't tempt me!"
"I'll make you a deal. You hit me with me everything you've got, and I'll return the favor."
"No you won't -- you're such a fucking liar!"
"You keep callin' me that. Hurts my feelin's. Are you gonna pull me out or not?"
"I'll hurt more than your feelings," she growled. "Fine -- I'll go along with your stupid little game."
She pulled hard enough with just that one arm that Joel had to offer up more resistance than expected to keep up the charade. "You're gettin' strong," he observed.
"Told you I'm not a little girl anymore," she said smugly. "But... fuck, you really aren't budging..."
"Told you I'm stuck," he echoed her tone. "I think you're helpin', though..."
She groaned and pulled even harder. Joel considered doing a bit where he all of a sudden breaks loose and they both go flying, but since they weren't in the bedroom with a nice soft bed to land on, he decided against it. "There we go... thanks, kiddo -- I thought we were gonna have another problem on our hands."
"Who the fuck gets stuck under a car seat? ...You weren't really stuck," she accused him, though she sounded uncertain.
He sat in the driver seat and made a big show of vigorously rubbing his newly-freed arm. "I feel stupid enough already, thank you."
Ellie, of course, was forced to mime the motion limp-handed -- at least until she grabbed his arm at the right point to make just the chain move up and down. She appeared to be studying him now. "I thought guys liked to show off for their girlfriends. Not... make themselves look stupid on purpose?"
"Exactly. So why would I do it on purpose?" Besides the fact that you're CUTE when you're annoyed... or confused...
"Gee, I dunno... because you like fucking with me?!"
"Fine. Sure. I was just fuckin' with you. You wanna help me figure out which key it is?" He was pretty sure he'd already spotted it.
She was still eyeing him suspiciously, and Joel had to resist the urge to tug her in for a little kiss. "That didn't sound like you meant it," she said.
He chuckled. "I cop to it, an' now you don't believe that, either? Just forget it an' help me find the key, will ya?"
She looked at him another moment and then started to climb into the jeep -- started, but immediately paused. "Should I sit with you?"
"Always." He was a little surprised that she asked him instead of plopping herself on his lap like she usually did.
And then he remembered. He'd actually forgotten for a little while. Well, she did want me to PLAY with her... and she didn't seem to have any issues with it, even when I immobilized her... no hangups about that, or about sex, but sitting on my lap is problematic? "You can sit over there if you want. If you're more comfortable. Or jus' stand right there."
"No, I want to sit with you. I thought... maybe you wouldn't... I dunno." She had to squirm and squiggle a bit to find a comfy position on his lap with her right arm draped across herself... until he helped her out by lifting their arms up so he could hold her more or less the normal way, with both of their right hands resting in her lap.
She picked up the key ring with her left hand and frowned at it. "Fuck, why does this dude have so many keys?"
Joel put his left arm around her as well, which pretty much left the key-finding up to her. He could just let this go, since she had moved on to the keys. She makes it too easy. But... damnit... Sometimes she made these seemingly casual remarks as a way of indicating she needed to talk through something. He had previously dismissed troublesome comments from her without addressing the issue, due to bad timing, and then hadn't circled back to it later. And... they probably should talk about some of the sexual shit. The sex-as-manipulation thing, the possibility of her faking orgasms... but that can wait. Hell -- maybe he was being too hard on her, in his head... letting that stuff bother him. His reason for wanting to mess around tonight wasn't the purest, either. Sex as... procrastination of a chore because I'm just that lazy?
But if there was shit she was carrying around that he could unburden her of -- well, he needed to root that out. "Why wouldn't I want you in my lap, hm?" he asked her gently.
She toyed with the keys. "Just... you know."
"...I asked because I don't know."
"If it would make you think of..."
"Make me think of that? I wasn't even there." A fact he would continue to regret.
She shrugged. Stared hard at the damn keys.
He wondered if she just didn't want to admit she was uncomfortable. "It's okay if you'd rather sit--"
"No! I told you -- that has nothing to do with you'n'me."
"All right." She was leaning into him like normal... she certainly didn't seem ill at ease with him, other than not being able to tell him what was bothering her...
And now an awkward silence hung between them.
Well, shit... do I push her, or let her be... does she need to talk about it, or forget about it? Joel tended to go the 'forget about it' route himself, and Ellie did as well, more often than not -- but maybe some of that was just her following his lead?
Still... they'd talked about the incident at length already. And he'd given her an opening, if she felt like she needed one. Now she was absorbed in the task of finding the right key. She tried out various little ones, twisting them into the lock... no dice so far.
Actually... she LOOKS absorbed, but it's more like... she's TRYING to look absorbed? "Don't force it," he advised. "If it don't go right in, it ain't the right one."
She sighed. "Unless I'm doing it wrong. Gotta force it at least a little."
He was watching her face more than her fumbling with the keys. He was watching her face more than her fumbling with the keys; he was pretty sure she was just buying time because she wanted to talk, and just hadn't quite worked out her thoughts yet. He brought his left hand up to smooth her hair back and tuck it behind her ear. Screw it... I can at least ASK... "Ellie, are you okay?"
"Of course." Said a little too automatically for Joel's liking.
"It's okay if you ain't... if you--"
"We had sex, didn't we?" she snapped, looking up from the keys just long enough to glare at him. Maybe 'glare' wasn't quite the right word for it... it was more of a challenging look.
What does she mean by that? ...Was she using sex to try to prove something? What does that even have to do with sitting on my lap? ...I don't want to make assumptions, though-- "I don't understand," he said simply. "Can you explain it to me?"
"Just-- I think if I was gonna be fucked up about it, I wouldn't've been... I mean... I prob'ly would've freaked out already."
It was either black or it was white, apparently. "So... you've got two modes: completely okay or losin' your shit? Nothin' in between?"
"Well... I had that one flash... but it wasn't even a big deal. And I'm... with you now. I'm not thinking... I mean, I very much know it's you, right here. Ugh... I can't explain it... it sounds stupid, I know..."
"No it don't. I know when you're havin' a panic attack, your brain is takin' you somewhere else." Or... her body was, more than her brain, but it was all intertwined. Joel's experience with panic was somewhat different: mainly, he was missing the "I'm going to die" component, even when he was all out of sorts after a nightmare.
She worried at her lip... which wasn't something he'd seen her do that often. She'd stopped trying to 'find' the key... still wasn't looking at him. But he knew what she looked like when she wasn't 'with' him, as she'd put it, and this wasn't that. It felt more like she was thinking about something, letting the thoughts tumble around in her head rather than ramble out of her mouth.
Again, Joel wondered if he should press her to talk or just let her be. Guess it wouldn't hurt to ask-- "What're you thinkin' about, baby girl? Can you tell me?"
She didn't answer. ...All right... I can just sit with her, then, as long as she wants...
"Why aren't you more pissed at me?" she asked softly.
"For what?"
"For what I did! You're being too nice. Still."
"You called me an asshole before, among other things... now I'm nice?" he teased.
"You know you are. I like... practically cheated on you."
That declaration surprised him. "I wouldn't call it that."
She started toying idly with the keys in her lap. "I would. I was thinking about it, and... if you did that with some woman? Fuck, I wouldn't care if you told me you didn't want to. That you only did it cuz you had to... thought you had to... It's not like there was a gun to your head. You could tell me you hated every second of it -- hated betraying me, hated... touching her, kissing her, whatever you ended up doing -- and I... don't know if I'd believe you. I would wonder... if some part of you did enjoy it."
Joel had to give her credit: she was honest as hell when she did decide to open up to him. And... had he somehow given her the impression that he'd wondered that very thing? Because he had -- of course he had -- but only for fleeting moments. And not quite in the manner she was implying. "I know you didn't enjoy it. That it was never about... enjoyin' it."
"But I still did it. I didn't think about how it would make you feel. I just figured... either you'd never find out about it, or if I told you, I could like... frame it different. Tell you what was going on without all the details."
...Like leaving out the assault? Tiny little detail, that. "Then you did think about how it would make me feel. You had it worked out so I wouldn't have to know. No harm, no foul. Let me ask you this: goin' in, if you'd known that I would hear all about it afterwards, would you still have done it?"
"...I don't think so... I mean... I kept thinking, Joel would kill me if he could see me right now... like, not in that fun, joking way I might think that sometimes? It was just the most horrible... awful feeling. It literally made me feel sick."
You ain't the one I would've killed. "I'll take that as a no. Don't beat yourself up over it, then. You had good intentions."
She ignored this. "If it was you... you wouldn't have ever done it in the first place, but--"
"I ain't fifteen years old. Don't beat yourself up over that one, either." Despite the anger he'd felt toward her about the whole thing, he didn't want to hear her berate herself for it.
"Almost sixteen! But if you did... I think I might hate you a little bit," she confessed.
"Only a lil' bit?" Joel said lightly. "How does that work? Is it on the same level as a... a minor irritation? I wouldn't call that hate."
"Okay, maybe a lot, then? If that makes you happy?"
"It does." Because I just made you smile a little... "I could never hate you. Even if you enjoyed the hell out of it--"
"I didn't!" she cried.
"--I still wouldn't hate you. But you'n'me... we don't always feel the same way about things, do we? We don't... think the same way. So just 'cause you hate somethin'... that don't mean I would hate it, too."
She was quiet a moment, as if pondering what he'd said. "I guess that makes sense. You don't always let me know how you feel about stuff, though. Especially if you think it's going to upset me."
"Fair enough. But I promise you, I ain't mad about that. To be honest... I did wonder if you maybe enjoyed the attention, at first. Before it went south."
"No! I didn't!" she said earnestly.
At least she's looking at me now. "It can feel good, knowin' someone else finds you attractive. That's all. And maybe there was a thrill in the whole... sneakin' out, doin' somethin' you know I wouldn't approve of--"
"No no no it wasn't like that at all! I swear!"
"All right. I wouldn't be mad, if it was. I think that's part of growin' up."
"I'm already grown up!" she protested -- but every time she said something like that, it only made Joel think of how untrue it was.
"In some ways." Sometimes, it was real easy to forget how young she was. Other times, it was painfully obvious.
"I'm grown up enough that you decided we didn't need to wait 'til I turned eighteen to have sex anymore," she pointed out.
Joel cringed inwardly at that. "That... has more to do with me. Not you. My failure to do right by--"
"You didn't fail at anything!"
"That's a conversation for another time." Or possibly never. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay... if you're just worried about me secretly bein' mad at you, don't be. If I ain't... doin' anything that... makes you uncomfortable..."
"You're not! I was thinking, though... this is kind of how we were sitting. Me and him. Except I was facing the other way. Without the handcuffs, of course. And he wasn't even doing anything like... he didn't shove his hand up my shirt, or--"
"Ellie, you don't have to--"
"No, calm down -- he didn't do anything bad. Physically... it wasn't different from this."
"...Okay... ?"
"But even though it wasn't different -- it just was. I wasn't relaxed. At all. Your arms, being around me like this... it's nice. I like it. His? In the exact same position? Creeped me out."
Please don't tell me details... But he didn't want to shut this down if she needed to get it out.
"And when he wanted to kiss me... eww." She leaned in and rested her forehead against Joel's. "We were never this close. I turned away from him. But if we had kissed... it would've been... lips touching. Not so different from you and-- oh! Except you're the best kisser ever, of course. So... totally different." She gave him a smirky little kiss.
He smiled a little. "And your point is...?"
"That it's the same, but it's fucking different. The difference is... I love you. And you love me back. Somehow... all the actions, or circumstances... whatever... they can all be the same, but they feel soooo different, because of that. And I don't know how the fuck people can fuck people they don't love. How would it even feel good at all?"
"Well, you know how it is -- there's fuckin', an' there's makin' love--"
"Even then! The fucking part. I don't get it. I was so grossed out, completely not turned on..."
Joel could have brought up that little thing called chemistry, or lust, but... he found it rather sweet that Ellie looked at it this way. And it was reassuring on some level -- to some piece of him that he hadn't even realized needed such reassurance -- that she apparently hadn't felt even the slightest attraction to that sack of shit. "I hope you never sleep with someone you don't love, then."
"I won't! Only you!" she declared.
"I mean... after."
"Only you," she repeated, and she hugged his neck with her free arm. "I'm never going to be with anyone else. Ever."
He stroked her hair soothingly. "All right." He knew that she knew he wasn't actually "all right" with that, because Ellie would likely be in the prime of her life when he passed on. To condemn her to live the rest of her days without ever experiencing intimacy with another person was just... unconscionable. It wasn't a matter that either of them liked to think about, though, and they were both content to table it pretty much immediately whenever it came up. Like now.
"I'm sorry about before," she mumbled. "I was mean to you about getting stuck under the seat."
Ha! Joel wondered what made her think of that just then. He could tell her he was actually just pulling her leg all along... she'd be so mad... but he found that he didn't want to. So, I guess my little farce is the truth now-- she can tell everyone back home and they can all have themselves a little laugh at my expense-- "It was a pretty dumb thing to do. I don't blame you for not believin' it. 'Specially since I just finished tellin' you how not-stupid I am 'cause I've never messed around with guns'n'handcuffs. How 'bout we get ourselves unhitched now, yeah?"
She pulled back. "Okay -- pretty sure I found the right one. A long time ago, actually. I just... yeah -- it's this one here... doesn't it look exactly the same as Bill's? So, teamwork time -- if you can kinda pull there when I turn it..." Moments later, they were free. "Yessss! I can give you a real hug now!" She flung her arms around him without even rubbing the soreness out of her wrist first.
Joel returned the hug. "Good job, kiddo."
"It's a little sad, though, being two separate people again, isn't it?" she sighed.
"It is. In fact, I'm prob'ly gonna cry myself to sleep tonight."
That prospect seemed to amuse her. "Aww, don't worry -- you're still stuck with me. Foreeeeevvvveeerrrrrr."
He kissed her temple and hugged her tight. "Thank God for that."
~Continue to Chapter 15~
