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lumy12Title: "Singularity" Chapter 15: "Curse of the Fold" Part 1: "El Diablo" [15/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,808
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
Author's Note: Chapter title from the song by Shawn James -- and it won't really make sense until you read the note at the end of Chapter 16/Part 2. (To kill two birds with one stone: the subtitle of C16 will be a song title courtesy of Atlanta Rhythm Section.)
~
Ellie wondered why she bothered trying to keep track of their miles traveled per day when it wasn't an accurate indicator of when they would get home. Maybe if I didn't fail so hard at it... but fuck, it's impossible! With the backtracking and detouring (and her driving lesson!), it was kind of hard to remember to keep looking at the odometer all the time so she could note 'forward miles only.' Or what Joel called 'net miles.' The route Joel had chosen was only slightly longer than their trip to Monterey. "A day or so over a thousand miles" was how he had put it. It just wasn't as ideal, thanks to all the fucking freeways in the beginning, and the extra time up in the mountains -- and, in Ellie's opinion, its complete lack of coast. How can I miss the ocean so much after only a few days?! she also wondered.
At least the freeway shit was over! Joel said that wasn't necessarily a good thing. That the mountains could be worse, as he tried to show her on the map:
"If any of this here is blocked, or... otherwise unpassable... you know how long that stretch is? About a hundred miles. No other way through for miles an' miles. At least those city freeways were stacked all on top of each other, makin' it easy enough to backtrack."
Joel was so funny sometimes, the way he said things. The roads weren't really stacked so much as criss-crossing every-which-way in certain places. It still fucked up her forward miles count. It wasn't like they could simply climb up or down a level to get on another freeway wherever the roads crossed each other. Maybe we could if we lived in a video game! And then... I guess we teleport the horse and jeep somehow?!
Fortunately, the Pacheco Pass road they were on now was three or four lanes most of the time, divided more by natural median strips than by concrete walls and railings, and they'd been fortunate so far in the places where it was only two lanes (one lane for each direction). The road wound through the Diablo Range... how cool is it that it's named after Joel's gun?! Of course, when she shared this thought with Joel, he just had to remind her that 'el diablo' was actually Spanish for THE DEVIL and had nothing to do with firearms -- and even if they were related, it was much more likely to be the other way around, with the gun named after the mountain. (Whatever, Joel... I like my version better.) Anyway, the scenery was way prettier than what they'd seen in the past few days. The road itself would never be at a high enough elevation to get snow, according to Joel -- which it damn well shouldn't be, since she was under the impression it didn't snow in California at all! When she reminded Joel that he'd said as much himself, he claimed that he couldn't remember saying it -- and that if he had, surely he'd meant to say that the beach was where it never snowed: "I didn't mean in the goddamn mountains." As far as obstacles in their path: mudslide debris, corpses... the jeep could handle those, no problem. Trees and boulders? Wrecked vehicles? "It's a crapshoot." And the surrounding terrain really wasn't navigable for any decent stretch, with all the hills and rock walls and gullies and stuff (hence, this road being the only way through for miles around).
The first time they encountered a too-steep-even-for-the-jeep obstacle with no way to detour around it -- a pile of rubble -- Joel simply blew a hole in it, with the intent to either clear a path or break it down into more manageable pieces. It took several bombs to be effective, though (to the point where the jeep and horse could both navigate it), which led Ellie to declare it a waste of ammo, since the pile wasn't even threatening them. This opinion only earned her a glare and a "we ain't turnin' back now" mini-rant from Joel. ...Which may have been precisely why she'd said it! Joel was just too cute sometimes.
The second time, it was another tree -- laying across a big-ass truck. This tree had fallen from the other side of the road, right where the east- and west-bound paths were merging. The rock wall on one side and the somewhat-steep drop on the other made it impossible to detour off the road. After sizing up the situation, Joel had let loose a string of curses normally reserved for Ellie's use. Ellie didn't see what the big deal was, really.
"Joel, why can't we just drive over it like the last one? This one's not even half as big!"
"...You DO see that semi there underneath it, don'tcha?"
"Duh -- I don't mean on THIS side. Over there, where it's not as high up--"
"Still too high. Only place I see that's low enough is too close to the edge -- we ain't riskin' that."
"It's not THAT close--"
"Besides that, we'd prob'ly have to either go back far enough to find a safe place to cross over, or build some kind of ramp or bridge to get over on that side 'cause I don't even know if we could get Fox to cross that gap even at the narrowest point -- then he'd have to go underneath the tree there--"
"I could get him to do it. He listens to me. But okay, I get it -- you don't wanna go that way. So what do we do? Flame the tree and hope it falls down enough -- then wait for it to burn out so we can drive through it? Or over it. Whatever."
"You know how long that would take?"
"So we... go hunting in the meantime? Didn't you say we were gonna have to do that soon anyway? I even saw a deer back there--"
"We'd be spendin' the night here. I thought you said this place gives you the creeps."
"Prob'ly just my imagination. There's nothing WRONG with it."
"I don't like it, either. Somethin' feels... off, here."
"You only think that because I told you it gives me the creeps!"
"It don't matter -- I've got a better idea."
"Oh! Why didn't you just say that in the first place?! Wait -- I know -- we use that WINCH thingamajigger and yank it over!"
"...No. HELL no, in fact. Pretty sure we'd snap the damn cable, and it ain't like we can just go out an' buy another one."
"So what do we do?"
"Same thing we did to get you out of your little cave."
"Uh... I thought Sophie crawled in and tied me up and you pulled? Of course, I did fucking SLEEP through all that somehow..."
"Yes you did. You slept through the whole production -- if you hadn't, it wouldn't've been nearly as difficult to get you out."
"Hehe! Well, you always say I like to make things interesting, right?"
"That you do. But I'm talkin' about before the part where we actually rescued you. We had to unblock the exit first."
"Ohhh right! You used the horse to tow the vending machine out of the way cuz you couldn't move it yourself!"
"... ...My muscles weren't workin' right. After not sleepin' or eatin' in three days, they kinda gave out when--"
"You're so funny! I didn't mean you SHOULD have been able to move it by yourself! Haha, you're so cute, getting all offended. Like I just insulted your manhood or something. And it was only TWO days, by the way. Unless you guys lied about that."
"I ain't... OFFENDED. Anyhow... thank God this ain't one of them big ol' redwoods -- I think the jeep can handle swingin' it this way a bit... can't tell from here with all the weeds an' shit in the way if it needs any help movin' from that side... I can go check that out."
"The tree fucked up the railing there, though -- you might fall off the cliff!"
"The railing's just for the cars, kiddo. Look at the angle the thing fell -- the trunk's gotta be just a few feet beyond the--"
"Fine, whatever. The jeep, you think? What about Fox? He's bigger than Poppy, and she did the vending machine..."
"He'd prob'ly do okay with it, but my money's on the jeep."
Ellie thought they might need to use both of them together... but it turned out that Joel was right. Isn't he always? And the jeep was stocked with a decent amount of rope (...she couldn't help wondering if the soldiers had intended to use it on her -- handcuffs or no handcuffs).
That was one thing their hasty departure might have cost them: supplies. They'd used up all of their antibiotics on the way over, thanks to Ellie's infected leg. She didn't know whether they would have been able to get any from Golden Sands or not. Maybe I should've made Shelby give that to me upfront... he did say he could've given me anything I wanted! But since she'd lacked such foresight, now if she or Joel got hurt, they were fucked in the antibiotics department. Joel tended to worry about shit like that more than she did, and for the most part, she was content to let him do the worrying... but this one did make her nervous. It's Joel's TURN, she couldn't help thinking. Both of us were so bad off we would've died without the medicine. He needed them on our first trip, I needed them on our second... this is our third so it's his turn again!
She almost confessed the worry to Joel in the hopes that he would reassure her with something like "Well, maybe this time NEITHER of us will get hurt, how 'bout that?" -- or maybe "If I was gonna get hurt, it would've happened when I damn near backed the jeep up into that horde of Infected, don't you think?" She could imagine him saying either of those things. The problem was, she could also imagine him shrugging it off with an irritated "don't be silly" -- or, worse, a too-casual "if that happens, I'm sure you can make it home just fine without me."
She'd been trying to express to him how much she needed him, that she couldn't make it anywhere without him... while simultaneously trying to prove to him how mature and capable and grown up she was. The thing was... I probably don't need to do either of those things? Joel had proven over and over again how much he loved her. How loyal he was to her. And when she'd pushed him away (without even really realizing what she was doing, because she certainly wouldn't have done it on purpose), he'd only reeled her in closer. Like... who even DOES that? Certainly no one she had ever met before. It was always her desperately doing the reeling and the other person bailing in one way or another. Yet Joel didn't even bail on her when she fucked up!
And while she was eager to get home and see all her friends... plus Tommy and Maria and the baby... all the animals... the little kids... the library with its movies, music, video games, books... Esther's corn fritters, or her amazing apple pie... the zucchini spaghetti that didn't come out quite as good when Ellie made it... Tommy's stew... the shower with that fucking luxurious hot water-- in spite of all these things she had to look forward to, Ellie also sort of didn't care how long it took to get there. Because there was an unspoken understanding that she and Joel would get back to life as usual there. Together, of course, but... not together All.The.Time. I've gotten so used to ALL THE TIME. Can I even handle it? I know we did it before, but... that was different. That was BEFORE. We're so much closer now! We know each other so much better! I don't even know who I AM without him. And I guess that's fucked up, but I don't give a FUCK. As long as I have him, I'm happy.
There were other bad things about home, too. Like, Joel would probably insist that they hide the true nature of their relationship again (he did say they could discuss it, though, which was admittedly more than she'd expected from him). And would they even be able to live in their own house? Or would all that 'Joel is a pervert' shit start up again? Ellie had been so proud of him for throwing that horrible rock into the ocean a few months ago. She'd been dumbfounded -- and annoyed -- when she'd learned that he'd kept the fucking thing, but then... it was so cool, seeing him chuck it into the water! It felt like he'd finally made peace with himself about their relationship... like he'd accepted the fact that he was definitely not some creepy pedophile just because he loved her.
At least... she thought he had. Why the fuck did he say that us having sex is some kind of FAILURE on his part? He's been so awesome about everything all winter long... why can't he just--
"Ellie -- look. Over there. One o'clock. See it?"
She looked to their right. "Is that... ohhhhh, water! It's... I know what that is! It's the-- the-- ummm--" She had to consult the map as she didn't quite remember the name. "The San Luis Dam! So it does have water!" They'd wondered about that. If a Jackson scout had ever come through here before, they should have marked it on what Joel called a 'tactical map,' but it wasn't on the one they'd used for the trip over; they'd never been in this area of California, since their original route had taken them down the coast.
"Drink up," Joel advised.
Ellie knew what he meant: they'd be hanging out here a while, purifying as much drinking water as they had the means to carry, and the more they drank now, the more they'd have room for. Joel really needed it; he would get horrible cramps in his legs and feet if he didn't drink enough water. Being able to drink one's fill was a luxury, just like eating 'til you were full. They were in the habit of conserving water, and trying to suddenly replenish the deficiency in their bodies was sort of futile, since they'd just end up pissing most of it out? Yet they did it anyway. (Joel said peeing a lot was good because it 'flushed out the pipes.')
She figured she'd nurse what was in her thermos until they got to the place where Joel wanted to stop. He gradually picked up speed... until he hit a whopping thirty miles per hour. Emergency conditions notwithstanding, Fox would only go that fast in fairly short bursts, and now was a good time to do it. Man... if we could go this speed all the time, we'd be home so fucking fast!
"You got your-- you do. Good girl," Joel praised her.
She had just lifted the binoculars up to her face when he'd started to ask her. "I can read your mind, see?" She scanned the 'shore' and the horizon for signs of life. "Aaaaaaand... there's a whole lotta nothing."
"Good. ...Shit -- it makes me nervous, goin' this fast. Even though we're still goin' slow. Ain't that silly?"
She glanced at him and snorted. "What doesn't make you nervous?"
He cocked an eyebrow at her. "You callin' me a Nervous Nellie?"
"No! How many times do I have to tell you: you'd make a butt ugly girl."
"Keep lookin' ahead, though, just in case," he told her. "And you're right, I would. But Nervous Nellies are just... timid individuals. I wouldn't say I'm timid."
"Uh, no. You're definitely not." Ellie wouldn't even describe herself that way, most of the time. And Joel was a hundred fucking times braver than she was! "Poor Nellie. Wonder if she had any idea she'd live forever as a... bad nickname sort of thing."
"You think there was an actual Nellie?"
"Yeah. Why not? Unless you made that up? Pretty sure I've heard you say it before--"
"I didn't make it up, but it's just an expression. 'Cause the N sounds go good together, I would assume."
"I bet there was still a real Nellie, though. That's a nice name, don't you think? For a girl?"
"Nervous Nellie?"
"Just Nellie, of course."
"What, uh... what makes you say that?" He was still scanning the horizon, but his eyes kept darting over to her.
Uhhhhh... okay, nervous NELLIE-JOEL, why so nervous? "I dunno... cuz it rhymes with Ellie, I guess?"
"Ah. Right."
"I wonder if it's the same Nellie as the WHOA NELLIE person. Did people in olden times just not have enough names to--" She cut herself off, disturbed by the vibe she was getting off Joel. "Hey, are you... you look like you're getting your people feeling." I don't have that power myself, but I can feel it somehow when it flares up inside Joel? Guess that's ALMOST as good as having it...
"I've been havin' it already. But there's no one around. As you can see."
"You've had it? ...Fuck. For how long?"
"A while, off'n'on."
Okay, so I'm a little SLOW... or maybe it was the off-and-on thing that had messed with her perception. Plus the fact that Joel wasn't freaking out. ...Freaking out in that mellow Joel-y way, that is! Still... Joel's gut had such a knack for smelling trouble that Ellie couldn't help feeling a little worried now herself. "Fuck. No wonder you're nervous. I'll look harder. Maybe they're behind us! Following us!" She whirled around, but visibility was limited because of their mountain of shit in the back. She'd have to lean out to get a better look -- which made Joel NERVOUS, even with her seatbelt on.
"Been checkin' the mirrors -- there's nothin'. It's like the creepy feelin' you had, I think. Nothin' more. You still havin' it?"
"No..."
"Don't lean like that."
"I'm not gonna fall out!"
"There's no door."
It amused the fuck out of her that he felt the need to constantly point that out. Joel is so unintentionally funny! "I'm aware, thank you. I'm strapped in. Chill."
"Just look ahead. You can see the water better than me."
"You could see better if we ~put the top down~..."
"No."
"New rule: driver gets to decide if the top is up or down." That wouldn't help her out now, but--
"You mean passenger?"
"Driver," she confirmed. "Like, the driver should have the power to... make things the way they want. For the... uh... optimal driving experience."
Joel snorted. "You writin' ads now?"
"Ha -- does that mean you're sold?"
"No. Unless you don't wanna drive later."
"You already said I could!" she protested. "I have plenty of sunscreen, if that's what you're--"
"And you'd be better off savin' most of that for your farm days. Especially since you hate wearin' hats."
She'd been trying not to hate it. Ever since she and Joel had become a thing, she'd been more self-conscious of sunburn on her face. Not the color so much (that was actually quite handy for hiding stupid girlish blushing when she was embarrassed!), but the disgusting skin-peeling that inevitably followed. So unsexy. "There's no reason we shouldn't have that shit in Jackson. If those fuckers can send it to Monterey..."
"There's a lot more sunshine in California. But it's worth bringin' up, I agree. Maybe we can get some."
She snickered. "Maybe the town whores can work something out."
"Ellie, that ain't funny."
...No, it really isn't. Why did I even say that? "Right. Sorry."
"Not even sure who you mean by 'town whores' anymore, since Sophie ain't there."
"Sophie's not a whore."
"Last time we lived there, you thought she was."
"I never called her a whore!" ...I don't think?
Joel just gave her a Look (albeit laced with amusement).
"I didn't! I thought she was a skank, that's all."
"It's the same goddamn thing."
"No it's not!" Joel's not really into semantics... "And she's not even that. I know better now."
"That other woman who worked with Sophie... Lucas's mom... you still think she's a whore? Pardon-- a skank? Or did you learn somethin' about judgin' folks you don' know nothin' about?"
"Oh God, do you have to lecture me right now?" she groaned. She had an easy fix for that, though: just steal a page from Joel's book-- "We're Outside, you know!" Besides, that bitch really IS kind of skanky! ...And BESIDES besides: how many people did Joel judge unfairly without knowing anything about them?!
"Noted. We're gonna pull in right over here..."
They were quite far away from the area that Ellie would consider to be the actual dam-y part, like where you could go inside the building and stuff, but close enough that she could see there was no one over there. Ellie tossed the binoculars into Joel's lap, unfastened her seat belt, and hopped out before he'd even finished parking the jeep. "I call first bath!" she declared, hastily looping Fox's lead rope over the side mirror and bouncing off toward the water.
"Hold on-- Ellie! -- Ellie, come back here!"
She was already halfway down the bank. She halted and turned around to roll her eyes at Joel. "I'm not gonna jump in, for fuck's sake."
"Good."
"...Cuz I have to take my clothes off first!" she smirked.
"Ellie--"
"I know, I know -- I'm just messing with you. I'll be careful. This just looks like... kind of like the lake, really." Meaning THE lake in Jackson.
"Looks can be deceiving."
"I know. I was just saying." She knew Joel didn't mind if she bathed first. That he would prefer to take a better look around... maybe spend some quality time examining his gut and its feelings. And he had already made it clear that just because they were having sex now (and thus, seeing each other naked much more frequently than before), it didn't mean they could get careless out here and start doing things like bathing together. One of them had to be on guard, always. Especially when the other one was vulnerable, blah blah blah. Ellie had endured that lecture patiently. Kindly limited her "I know" groans to one or two.
She littered the stony bank with her clothes on the way down to the water's edge. There was definitely a place to wade in... and no ginormous drop that she could see. She didn't need to go out very far anyway. "I found a good spot!" she called back to Joel, turning around to see where he-- "--FUCK!" she yelped.
"Shit -- I wasn't even bein' stealthy," Joel chuckled at making her nearly jump out of her skin. He was right there behind her! "Thought you might want these."
"Oh yeah! Thanks!" In her haste, she'd forgotten that it was a good idea to use things like soap and shampoo when you bathe. She gratefully accepted those items from Joel.
His eyes roved over her naked body appreciatively... like, not at all discreetly, the way they used to... and it still made her blush after all this time! "You better get in the water," he warned her. "You're too much of a distraction up here."
She grinned and stepped in to give him a quick kiss. "You know, we could always--"
He stepped back immediately. "No. What did I tell you about--"
"Yeah yeah yeah, I was just kidding. Didn't mean to trigger another lecture!" she snickered and flounced off into the water. "Brrrrrrrrrrr! Holy fuck!"
"Oh, come on. Is it really that bad? It's gotta be warmer than the ocean in wintertime."
"It's not! It's fucking cold!" She plunged all the way in anyway, as there was no sense in prolonging the torture -- better to get the FUCK IT'S COLD shock of the water over with quickly. Although not everyone shared that philosophy... "Oh man... Joel, I miss Sophie!" she blurted. Her former bathing buddy.
"I know. You'll see her again someday," he assured her, as if there was actually a way for him to fucking know that. But sometimes it was just nice to pretend.
Ellie started lathering up her hair while Joel knelt down the bank from her a bit to collect water for the purifier. He remembered to bring that thingie AND my bathing stuff, while I just ran down here without thinking about either one. ...Does that show the difference in our personalities or what? Or maybe it was their ages, more than their personalities. Pretty sure Sophie would've remembered the bath stuff but not the water thing. I say... score one for it being more personality-related than age-related.
She took another good look around while she bathed. It's beautiful here... The water was a richer blue than the ocean, and the sky was a perfect cloudless mirror of it. The reds and browns of the desert complemented the blue nicely... although she did miss the lush greens that she'd become accustomed to. The desert has its own beauty, really... it's probably not fair to compare it to greener things... man, those columns over there are MASSIVE. And is that a walkway across them? What for?! I'd be scared as fuck to walk that whole way without-- well, there's probably some kind of railing. Or there used to be, back when people worked with this water. Too far away to tell. Still, the dam in Jackson isn't so-- so... what the fuck? "Joel? Joel!" she called to him as loud as she dared; she didn't even see where he'd wandered off to. "Joel!"
"What?" He came jogging back down the bank.
She moved close enough that she had to crouch slightly to remain covered by the water (she was cold enough without the air chilling her further!), and she lowered her volume to just above a stage whisper -- just loud enough for Joel to hear her. "Look over there! Do you see something?" She pointed.
Joel looked, squinting... then lifted the binoculars (which were now dangling around his neck) up to his face. "What do you see?"
"...Nothing. She's gone now!"
"She?"
"There was a woman! Walking on that bridge -- that walkway thing!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes!"
Joel kept looking. ...And looking. And not saying anything. He scanned everything even remotely in that direction. "I don't see a thing."
"But you had your people feeling! Because of her!"
"It was a creeped-out sort of feelin', not exactly a people feelin'. Is that what-- I think maybe that got into your head. It's makin' you see things that ain't there."
"I saw her, though! She was walking that way -- away from us. She was wearing a white dress... it was like, flapping behind her in the wind. And she had long dark hair. It sort of rippled in the air the same way the dress did." It's not even that windy right now, though... what the FUCK, Ellie!
Joel shook his head. "You've got a good imagination, kiddo. Maybe it's just 'cause you were thinkin' about Sophie."
"Sophie doesn't wear dresses! Who the fuck does?!" Besides Ellie's best friend Annie, of course! And no way was it her Ellie had seen. "It didn't look anything like her. Dark hair, not blond."
"Why would anyone be up there?" Joel reasoned. "I don't even think people are meant to walk there. How would she have gotten up? And then down... so fast that she disappeared from sight already? Ain't like there's places for her to hide, unless she sprinted over to that building faster than a cheetah an' got inside without--"
"I don't know, okay? But I saw her!" Ellie cut him off, frustrated. Ugh, does he have to be so annoyingly logical?! The water didn't feel as refreshing as it should have. And... somehow it felt like it had gotten colder since she got in. Not warmer, like she'd expected. Water always feels warmer when you get used to it! Maybe it didn't if you went swimming in the Arctic Ocean or something, but... in a sunny little reservoir in California?
It wasn't just the temperature that was bugging her, though. "I don't like this water," she announced.
"What's wrong with it?"
"I dunno... it's like... heavy... I can't explain it... like quicksand, maybe?"
Joel quirked an eyebrow at her. "Quicksand?"
"Like... it wants to swallow me or something." She tried to peer beneath the surface... but even as she did, she knew she wouldn't see anything. It wasn't like there was some creature down there tugging at her leg. There wasn't actually any sand, either. No, this was... something invisible...
"You were fine a minute ago," Joel pointed out.
"I know!" she snapped. He's so irritating sometimes! "But now I'm not!"
"...Come on out, then. Here, I got you a towel."
They did have quite the supply of towels now, at least. Ellie looked up and saw Joel offering her his hand. He was frowning slightly, brows knitted... signs of concern, finally! She took his hand and clambered out of the water. She immediately felt a little warmer: just cold, rather than freezing-her-ass-off cold. Like the air on her wet skin wasn't as chilling as it normally was when she got out of a body of water.
He wrapped her up in the big white towel and hugged her. "Christ. You are freezin' cold. I would swear you were just bathin' in snow, not water."
"That-t bad?" Her teeth were chattering now. Aside from the air not chilling her as expected, it pretty much felt like coming out of the cold ocean or a cold shower: nothing to freak out over. Joel seems kinda freaked, though... Ellie was more weirded out over the vanishing woman than the creepy water, and she kept staring at the place where she'd spotted her. Or... imagined her?
No -- she was SO REAL!
Ellie's cheek was pressed into Joel's nice warm shirt... his nice warm heart thumping in her ear... yet as comforting as it was to be in his arms, she still felt unnerved.
Joel placed the back of his hand against her forehead. "It don't feel like you have a fever..."
"I d-didn't hallucinat-te her -- I fuc-cking saw her!" she insisted. "I'm not-t mak-king it up!"
"I believe you. But you're so cold, I thought maybe... I don' know." He started rubbing her arms vigorously... her back...
Ellie did feel warmer already; even without all the motion, Joel served very well as her own personal furnace. She really wasn't as wussy about the cold these days -- at least not to the degree she used to be. And Joel was acting like she was literally freezing. "I'm okay. Really. ...See, my teeth even stopped chattering."
He gave her the gentlest of kisses... and his lips still felt warmer than hers. "You still feel cold to me, but... all right. Let's get you dressed."
"I can dress myself," she chuckled, stepping over to the neat little pile of clothing Joel must have assembled from the trail she'd left in her wake. "Are you gonna go in? I wonder if you'll get freaky-cold, too."
"Sure, I'll take a dip in a minute."
"Well, yeah, I didn't mean right this second. I figured you'd wait until I... got dressed." She frowned down at her underwear. "Fuck a duck -- I guess I didn't notice when I was just... gleefully flinging my clothes all over..."
"What now?"
"You didn't notice either, huh?" Of course he didn't -- he picked them up off the ground, but it's not like he turned them inside out to inspect them!
"Notice what?"
"I've kinda felt like it was coming but thought maybe it would hold off another day." Damn -- I wanted one more night of awesome sex first!
"What... the Red River?"
"Yeah. Thank God we already had a bunch of plugs in our room, ready to go. That's one thing I did right!" She'd started stockpiling early. Jan probably would've arranged for her to take some extras home, but Ellie had been a little too shy to ask in advance... and then of course with the way they ended up leaving... it just hadn't happened. Maybe she would've thought I just have super heavy periods. Big deal! Ellie wondered if Joel would've requested some extras for her, if she'd been evil enough to ask that of him... yeah, he'd feel awkward as fuck, but I bet he'd do it. He'd do just about ANYthing for me. Poor guy! "Fuck, I don't think I wanna waste one yet -- it's just barely starting. Once you take it out you can't-- -Hey!" Joel had swooped her up in his arms and was now spinning her around. "What are you doing?" she laughed.
He had an uncharacteristically big smile on his face when he set her down. "Oops, got a lil' carried away. Meant to give you a... a comfort hug." He crushed her against his chest, rocking her side to side in a motion that felt decidedly more happy than soothing.
Ellie enjoyed the affection, naturally. How could she not? But it wasn't the first time Joel had been inordinately happy about her getting her fucking period. It's not like he even comes inside me anyway so I don't know what he's worried about! ...And for fuck's sake -- would it be the worst fucking thing ever if I DID get pregnant? Would the world come to an end -- again?! "Joel... I love you and all, but you might wanna let me get dressed before I bleed all over you," she teased... as if the blood would just come gushing out. Fuck -- it probably froze in its tracks when I got so cold!
"Sorry sorry sorry." He cupped her face in his hands and gave her an exaggerated smooch before releasing her. "Go on. I'll keep lookin' for that woman of yours. ...Huh, I wonder if that weird cold... thing... had somethin' to do with the Red River."
"Why would it?" Of all the ridiculous things to attribute to her period!
"I don' know... but that was weird. Weirder than you even felt, I guess -- than you realized. If you could've felt your skin..."
"Uh, I felt it from the inside? From living in it?" She stepped into her underwear; she could wash the blood out here, but a few specks hardly seemed worth the effort. Especially if she decided not to waste a pad yet, either, which would likely mean further speckling; toilet paper didn't stay in place very well.
"Just a thought," Joel replied in his 'shrug' tone.
It seemed ridiculous to Ellie, but she couldn't really blame Joel for going there; she had blamed all kinds of shit on her uterus, from her moods to her tastes to random aches and pains, even itches... and some of it was completely fabricated, either to garner Joel's sympathy or to manipulate him into doing something for her. There were times -- non-period times -- when Ellie suspected that Joel could tell if she was fibbing about something. But she generally didn't get that feeling when it came to her period. Guys just didn't know. That was the genius of it! "Even if they THINK they know -- it's different for every woman," she remembered Riley telling her.
Oh Riley... I still miss you... what would you think of me now? Ellie felt like she was a completely different person from the girl Riley had known. She knew she wasn't really, just... I'm finally happy? And I've been through a lot more shit.
Joel waited until she was dressed (and thus, ready to protect him from whatever harm might come their way) before shedding his own clothes and gear. She was back to mostly tucking her gun into her jeans again because her holster belt was just so bulky and uncomfortable to wear when she was strapped into the car. Joel wore his, though -- two of them! -- so she felt a little guilty about that. I should blame that aversion on my uterus too, she chuckled to herself. The belt was only helpful when they were heading into a battle; for the car ride, just keeping her two guns within reach was good enough. Joel didn't get on her case about it, for whatever reason. She probably should've taken at least one gun down here with her... but it wasn't like Joel didn't have one to spare. He had been wearing four before stripping down! So she just grabbed a random pistol and tucked it into her jeans.
...and it just so happened to be el Diablo. Weird coincidence.
Joel smirked at her when he dropped his pants. "You're facin' the wrong direction, Miss Lookout."
"Whatever! You totally watched the show before I got in the water," she smirked right back. Honestly, she'd been too distracted by her thoughts just now to even take note of his nakedness, but she would play along. That is one fine ass, she observed when he turned around. She hadn't seen it in the sunlight very often. Even when they had sneaky secret outdoor sex at the resort, Joel kept as much clothing in place as possible. His ass was noticeably whiter than the rest of him... almost as pale as ME!
He had just started to wade in when Ellie saw--
"Joel! Joel, don't go in there!" she shrieked as she lunged forward to yank him back by the arm. "There -- look! You see that?!"
Joel followed her gaze and squinted at the water. "Uh... what is it I'm s'posed to be seein' in there? A shark?" he drawled, calm as fuck.
"It's right fucking there!" She aimed her gun -- Joel's gun -- at the water, as if she could actually shoot the... the what? ... She had just blinked, and now it was gone.
"Ellie, should I be worried about you an' these visions you're havin' of shit that ain't there? Look--"
"No, don't go in there!" She had to tug him farther away from the edge, since he seemed to want to prove that there was nothing there. "It's gone now, but Joel... I swear to God. I saw--" ...Fuck, he's SO going to laugh at this...
"Saw what? Do tell."
"...You're in too good a mood."
"Excuse me?"
"You're like... giddy." On the Joel scale, at least! "You'd laugh. Just forget it. Obviously there couldn't be anything there cuz you were looking right at it and didn't see it."
"I still wanna know what you saw."
"It doesn't matter," she grumbled dejectedly. If I do this long enough, maybe he WON'T make fun of me...
"Maybe... only sweet young girls can see it. Was it a unicorn?"
She glared at him.
"A fairy, then."
She dialed it up to deathglare for that one.
"Aww... all jokin' aside, there might be a logical explanation for it. I can put your mind at ease if you tell me."
"Ugh... what if I'm losing my mind?" she wondered out loud, ignoring his offer. God, what a horrifying thought! "Like Russ, back in Jackson! Karen says he talks to people who aren't there... like he gets confused..."
"Russ is an old man. You... are not."
"Exactly! That's why it's fucking scary to think that I--" She cut herself off with a sigh. "Can you just not go in right there? Go down a little ways. Just in case."
"I will if you tell me what you saw." Joel the bargainer.
"You'll never believe me, so why bother?" she countered.
"I promise I'll believe you," he said solemnly.
No you won't! There would be no convincing him of that without explanation, though. "Um... you'll still laugh."
"I promise I won't laugh," he added.
"Maybe not out loud, but you will on the inside!"
"I will not," he insisted.
Ellie did sort of want to tell him, if he could just not laugh... fuck, even if he DOES laugh, won't I feel better if I tell him? Like... the telling will take away the fear, somehow? "Okay, fine. In the water... right there... lurking right beneath the surface -- I mean right beneath, like his nose was almost poking out--"
"His? A person?"
"No. Not really. Not a... human, exactly... it was more like a..."
"A what? Some kind of animal? A sea creature? ...Nessie? -No no, I got it: Nervous Nessie."
"Shut up! It was like..." ...Fuck! OKAY-- "What I saw... Joel, it was the devil."
He just stared at her.
Saying the word seemed to have finally untied her tongue. "Or maybe a demon of some kind... but I really feel like it was the devil! He had horns... and like a triangle beard and a mustache... his skin wasn't red, though -- isn't it supposed to be red? It was sort of... greenish. Like maybe the water changed it? Except... that's not right, cuz when you put red and blue together you're supposed to get purple. Oh, and his eyes -- they were yellow. Not a sunshine-y kind of yellow... more like a... sickly yellow."
The way Joel was looking at her was a bit... disquieting.
"Say something!" she urged him.
He started to answer her, but paused, like he was reconsidering... or maybe just for dramatic effect? "Ellie... that wasn't the devil."
"It wasn't?" Omigod he's not laughing! She couldn't believe it!
"Nope."
"Then what was it?!" Was he right -- there was a logical explanation? She'd never heard of any sort of animal that looked like that. She was just so happy to hear that she wasn't going crazy!
"It was..." Another fucking dramatic pause! He leaned in like he was about to tell her a secret.
"What was it? Fucking tell me already!"
"...It was my reflection."
...Um... "What? Your... ...Joel!" She whacked his arm. Hard. "You said you wouldn't laugh!"
He looked at her innocently. "And I didn't. I ain't laughin' now, am I?"
"You are on the inside! I can tell!"
A hint of a grin finally slipped through his blank expression. "It's just..."
"What!" She glowered at him.
"I can't help it. You're adorable as hell."
"What's adorable about hallucinating?!" she shrieked. That was the only logical explanation here: she was indeed losing her fucking mind.
"Calm down, will you?" He tried to pull her into a hug, but she wasn't in the mood to be consoled -- or to hear his patronizing you're-so-cute remarks.
"You said 'as hell' on purpose," she accused him. "You're making fun of me!"
Unfortunately, that only seemed to amuse him further. "I say 'as hell' the way you say 'as fuck.' Don't mean nothin' by it. You know what I think? I think you got that Diablo thing in your head, when you learned the name of the mountain range here--"
"The fucking mountain didn't make me see the devil. That's ridiculous!"
"It got into your subconscious or somethin'. You picked up my gun..."
"The gun didn't make me see it, either!" she protested.
"You do have a tendency to be... fanciful, sometimes."
Ellie didn't even know exactly what that word meant, but she gleaned from the context that it had nothing to do with being fancy-shmancy -- and it wasn't good. Never mind the fact that she herself had just been doubting her own sanity... Joel isn't supposed to support that theory! She crossed her arms over her chest and scowled at him. "Just-- fucking--- go on! Go take your bath with the devil. Let him drag you down to hell, I don't care!"
"Really, baby girl? You'd just let him drag me off like that?" His words would suggest he was hurt... but she probably wouldn't have believed that even if he was trying to disguise his obvious amusement. Which he clearly was not; he was totally enjoying this. "You're s'posed to be lookin' out for me while I'm--"
"Fuck you! I should've kept my stupid fucking mouth shut!"
"All right, well... seein' as how I don't wanna stand here naked all day, I ain't gonna argue with you. You just let me know if you see the devil again, yeah? The devil or that mystery woman. Either one of 'em."
She ignored him, turned her back on him... and stared out at that bridge-that-wasn't-really- a-bridge, where she'd seen the woman. AM I losing my fucking mind? Why isn't Joel more upset about that possibility? He's the worrywart here! Well... that wasn't completely true. Joel tended to worry about the more tangible shit, whereas she fretted over the... intangible? The abstract. The thought of losing Joel, for example-- Maybe not RIGHT THIS MINUTE, though! FUCK, he's infuriating!
Thankfully, Ellie didn't see anything else out of the ordinary while Joel bathed. He was dressed and back at her side in less than ten minutes. Just long enough for her anger to dissipate. "Guess you're not going to hell today," she said coolly; maybe she wasn't shouting-mad anymore, but if he kept on teasing her--
"Not today."
She handed him his pistol. Scoured his face for remnants of amusement. "And you didn't even freeze your ass off?"
"Nope. It was cold, but... it didn't do that weird thing to me that it did to you. Your skin felt like ice." He holstered the gun and put his arm around her shoulders. "You know, I've heard of people seein'... mirages... in the desert. Maybe that's all it was. You saw a-- you saw two of 'em."
Ellie snorted; she didn't think that's what it was. She'd seen that depicted in fiction, and it was always about seeing water when you were parched in the desert. Not just... random shit like a lady in a long white dress and a green-skinned devil-like creature under the water.
"Know what I wish?" Joel continued.
"What," she humored him dully.
"I wish I knew you when you were five years old. And you'd come to me... tell me about some monster you just knew was hidin' under your bed, or in your closet... then I'd go scare it off for ya."
...the fuck? "How did you know I had imaginary monsters in my room? Alligators under my bed, too. Those were actually scarier than the monsters. I don't remember telling you about any of that!"
"It's a common thing with kids," Joel explained. "That's all. Even back in my day."
"Oh. Well, you can't just scare them, you know. You have to fucking kill them so they don't come back."
"Is that so?"
"Yeah."
"Pretty grim shit for such a young child. Did you get someone to kill 'em for you, then?"
"Hell no. I killed them myself."
"At five years old? You were already slayin' monsters?"
"Yep."
"Tough little girl." This time she let him tug her into a real hug. "All the same... I would've loved doin' it for you. I can just imagine how goddamn cute you were."
Ellie had tried to get someone to do it for her, at first. That just got her in trouble for being out of bed after bedtime. Like she was fucking making it up or something. (...Well, she had been known to concoct all sorts of reasons for being out of bed when she didn't feel like being there, so she supposed she couldn't blame the grownups -- and even the other kids -- for not believing her.) She had learned quickly that it was much more efficient to kill the fuckers herself. And it was surprisingly effective! In fact, she became the go-to girl for the other kids who suffered from similar delusions. Delusions which, in retrospect, she may have unwittingly passed on to them.
How different would it have been if Joel had been around back then? But... if he killed them all for me, maybe I never would've learned how to do it myself. Maybe I'd be a total wuss today! That wasn't the thought that bothered her most about his little wish, though: "But Joel... if you had met me then, we wouldn't... I mean... you would be my dad," she told him. "If we were together. Nothing else makes sense."
He released her, planting a kiss on her forehead before stepping back. "I assume so, yeah."
"Do you think you'd still wanna have sex with me when--"
"No! Of course not. How--"
"Let me finish! When I grew up. Into a woman's body."
"Absolutely not."
No hesitation. Total certainty.
"How do you know for sure?" she asked.
"Because. If I... raised you... as my own..."
"Then it would be different," she concluded.
"Yes."
"But you've told me you did think of me as your own, before we..."
"It ain't the same thing as... if you were small, like that."
"We still wouldn't be blood relatives, though," she reasoned.
"Well, I... I don' know how to explain it. I just know it would be different." He sighed. "It really is messed up that I went from bein' your dad to bein'--"
"No no no-- okay, forget I said anything!" She tried to distract him from thinking of more stupid shit like that with a nice big kiss.
Joel only indulged her for a moment... because they were Outside. Probably. "It's all right. It's too late to walk it back now. I'm good with us bein' what we are," he reassured her. And it sounded like he meant it...
"Good. I'm glad we didn't meet when I was five, then. ...Aren't you?"
"... ...Sure."
"That wasn't very convincing."
He smiled and tucked a lock of damp hair behind her ear. "Just -- you must've been so cute."
"Am I not cute enough for you now?" she challenged.
"You're still cute. All right, see, I can go both ways on that one. On the one hand, if you were my daughter when you were little... I still couldn't've given you the life you deserve--"
"Stop! Yes you--"
"--on account of the world goin' to hell," he explained. "That's all. But... I could've made things better for you. Made damn sure you didn't get bullied. Or bounced around... -what's so funny?"
"Oh, just the thought of how if you were my dad, those kids would be shitting bricks if you so much as looked at them... I do wish I could've seen that!"
He chuckled. "I thought I already did that for you in Jackson. And you don't like it. It embarrasses you."
"Well... yeah, cuz it's not necessary. I'm old now."
"Mm. Very old. So, there's that... but on the other hand, we wouldn't have the same bond we have today if we hadn't gone through all that shit that happened. That's what really... it ain't that I'd love you less..."
"I know what you mean. We'd probably take each other for granted more," she mused.
"You'd grow up an' leave me to go start your own family..."
"No way. I'd never leave you. I don't care what universe or realm or... whatever we're talking about."
"If we didn't have the same bond, though..."
"Still! I wouldn't. You say you know you wouldn't be attracted to me if you were the person who raised me? Well, I know that I'd never leave you."
He started to reply, but then seemed to think better of it. "All right. You ready to get goin' now?"
Ellie really didn't like this place that kept making her imagine weird things. She was eager to see it in the rear-view mirror. "Yeah. Just one more thing..."
"Hm?"
"Maybe you never got to kill the monsters and alligators for me, but... you still kill the nightmares. I never learned how to get rid of those myself. And they're way worse than stupid fake imaginary monsters. Don't you think?"
He seemed happy with that assertion. "Sure."
Not to mention the REAL monsters... but she didn't want to go there, for some reason. Maybe because it felt like a whole separate other thing. Too based in reality... doesn't fit with the supernatural vibe here...
Supernatural... Ugh! Was she seeing ghosts now or something? In broad daylight? That would be better than losing her mind... right? Once more, her gaze followed the not-bridge over the regal columns... across the rippling blue water... then she took Joel's hand and walked up the bank, vowing not to look back.
~Continue to Chapter 16~
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,808
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
Author's Note: Chapter title from the song by Shawn James -- and it won't really make sense until you read the note at the end of Chapter 16/Part 2. (To kill two birds with one stone: the subtitle of C16 will be a song title courtesy of Atlanta Rhythm Section.)
~
Ellie wondered why she bothered trying to keep track of their miles traveled per day when it wasn't an accurate indicator of when they would get home. Maybe if I didn't fail so hard at it... but fuck, it's impossible! With the backtracking and detouring (and her driving lesson!), it was kind of hard to remember to keep looking at the odometer all the time so she could note 'forward miles only.' Or what Joel called 'net miles.' The route Joel had chosen was only slightly longer than their trip to Monterey. "A day or so over a thousand miles" was how he had put it. It just wasn't as ideal, thanks to all the fucking freeways in the beginning, and the extra time up in the mountains -- and, in Ellie's opinion, its complete lack of coast. How can I miss the ocean so much after only a few days?! she also wondered.
At least the freeway shit was over! Joel said that wasn't necessarily a good thing. That the mountains could be worse, as he tried to show her on the map:
"If any of this here is blocked, or... otherwise unpassable... you know how long that stretch is? About a hundred miles. No other way through for miles an' miles. At least those city freeways were stacked all on top of each other, makin' it easy enough to backtrack."
Joel was so funny sometimes, the way he said things. The roads weren't really stacked so much as criss-crossing every-which-way in certain places. It still fucked up her forward miles count. It wasn't like they could simply climb up or down a level to get on another freeway wherever the roads crossed each other. Maybe we could if we lived in a video game! And then... I guess we teleport the horse and jeep somehow?!
Fortunately, the Pacheco Pass road they were on now was three or four lanes most of the time, divided more by natural median strips than by concrete walls and railings, and they'd been fortunate so far in the places where it was only two lanes (one lane for each direction). The road wound through the Diablo Range... how cool is it that it's named after Joel's gun?! Of course, when she shared this thought with Joel, he just had to remind her that 'el diablo' was actually Spanish for THE DEVIL and had nothing to do with firearms -- and even if they were related, it was much more likely to be the other way around, with the gun named after the mountain. (Whatever, Joel... I like my version better.) Anyway, the scenery was way prettier than what they'd seen in the past few days. The road itself would never be at a high enough elevation to get snow, according to Joel -- which it damn well shouldn't be, since she was under the impression it didn't snow in California at all! When she reminded Joel that he'd said as much himself, he claimed that he couldn't remember saying it -- and that if he had, surely he'd meant to say that the beach was where it never snowed: "I didn't mean in the goddamn mountains." As far as obstacles in their path: mudslide debris, corpses... the jeep could handle those, no problem. Trees and boulders? Wrecked vehicles? "It's a crapshoot." And the surrounding terrain really wasn't navigable for any decent stretch, with all the hills and rock walls and gullies and stuff (hence, this road being the only way through for miles around).
The first time they encountered a too-steep-even-for-the-jeep obstacle with no way to detour around it -- a pile of rubble -- Joel simply blew a hole in it, with the intent to either clear a path or break it down into more manageable pieces. It took several bombs to be effective, though (to the point where the jeep and horse could both navigate it), which led Ellie to declare it a waste of ammo, since the pile wasn't even threatening them. This opinion only earned her a glare and a "we ain't turnin' back now" mini-rant from Joel. ...Which may have been precisely why she'd said it! Joel was just too cute sometimes.
The second time, it was another tree -- laying across a big-ass truck. This tree had fallen from the other side of the road, right where the east- and west-bound paths were merging. The rock wall on one side and the somewhat-steep drop on the other made it impossible to detour off the road. After sizing up the situation, Joel had let loose a string of curses normally reserved for Ellie's use. Ellie didn't see what the big deal was, really.
"Joel, why can't we just drive over it like the last one? This one's not even half as big!"
"...You DO see that semi there underneath it, don'tcha?"
"Duh -- I don't mean on THIS side. Over there, where it's not as high up--"
"Still too high. Only place I see that's low enough is too close to the edge -- we ain't riskin' that."
"It's not THAT close--"
"Besides that, we'd prob'ly have to either go back far enough to find a safe place to cross over, or build some kind of ramp or bridge to get over on that side 'cause I don't even know if we could get Fox to cross that gap even at the narrowest point -- then he'd have to go underneath the tree there--"
"I could get him to do it. He listens to me. But okay, I get it -- you don't wanna go that way. So what do we do? Flame the tree and hope it falls down enough -- then wait for it to burn out so we can drive through it? Or over it. Whatever."
"You know how long that would take?"
"So we... go hunting in the meantime? Didn't you say we were gonna have to do that soon anyway? I even saw a deer back there--"
"We'd be spendin' the night here. I thought you said this place gives you the creeps."
"Prob'ly just my imagination. There's nothing WRONG with it."
"I don't like it, either. Somethin' feels... off, here."
"You only think that because I told you it gives me the creeps!"
"It don't matter -- I've got a better idea."
"Oh! Why didn't you just say that in the first place?! Wait -- I know -- we use that WINCH thingamajigger and yank it over!"
"...No. HELL no, in fact. Pretty sure we'd snap the damn cable, and it ain't like we can just go out an' buy another one."
"So what do we do?"
"Same thing we did to get you out of your little cave."
"Uh... I thought Sophie crawled in and tied me up and you pulled? Of course, I did fucking SLEEP through all that somehow..."
"Yes you did. You slept through the whole production -- if you hadn't, it wouldn't've been nearly as difficult to get you out."
"Hehe! Well, you always say I like to make things interesting, right?"
"That you do. But I'm talkin' about before the part where we actually rescued you. We had to unblock the exit first."
"Ohhh right! You used the horse to tow the vending machine out of the way cuz you couldn't move it yourself!"
"... ...My muscles weren't workin' right. After not sleepin' or eatin' in three days, they kinda gave out when--"
"You're so funny! I didn't mean you SHOULD have been able to move it by yourself! Haha, you're so cute, getting all offended. Like I just insulted your manhood or something. And it was only TWO days, by the way. Unless you guys lied about that."
"I ain't... OFFENDED. Anyhow... thank God this ain't one of them big ol' redwoods -- I think the jeep can handle swingin' it this way a bit... can't tell from here with all the weeds an' shit in the way if it needs any help movin' from that side... I can go check that out."
"The tree fucked up the railing there, though -- you might fall off the cliff!"
"The railing's just for the cars, kiddo. Look at the angle the thing fell -- the trunk's gotta be just a few feet beyond the--"
"Fine, whatever. The jeep, you think? What about Fox? He's bigger than Poppy, and she did the vending machine..."
"He'd prob'ly do okay with it, but my money's on the jeep."
Ellie thought they might need to use both of them together... but it turned out that Joel was right. Isn't he always? And the jeep was stocked with a decent amount of rope (...she couldn't help wondering if the soldiers had intended to use it on her -- handcuffs or no handcuffs).
That was one thing their hasty departure might have cost them: supplies. They'd used up all of their antibiotics on the way over, thanks to Ellie's infected leg. She didn't know whether they would have been able to get any from Golden Sands or not. Maybe I should've made Shelby give that to me upfront... he did say he could've given me anything I wanted! But since she'd lacked such foresight, now if she or Joel got hurt, they were fucked in the antibiotics department. Joel tended to worry about shit like that more than she did, and for the most part, she was content to let him do the worrying... but this one did make her nervous. It's Joel's TURN, she couldn't help thinking. Both of us were so bad off we would've died without the medicine. He needed them on our first trip, I needed them on our second... this is our third so it's his turn again!
She almost confessed the worry to Joel in the hopes that he would reassure her with something like "Well, maybe this time NEITHER of us will get hurt, how 'bout that?" -- or maybe "If I was gonna get hurt, it would've happened when I damn near backed the jeep up into that horde of Infected, don't you think?" She could imagine him saying either of those things. The problem was, she could also imagine him shrugging it off with an irritated "don't be silly" -- or, worse, a too-casual "if that happens, I'm sure you can make it home just fine without me."
She'd been trying to express to him how much she needed him, that she couldn't make it anywhere without him... while simultaneously trying to prove to him how mature and capable and grown up she was. The thing was... I probably don't need to do either of those things? Joel had proven over and over again how much he loved her. How loyal he was to her. And when she'd pushed him away (without even really realizing what she was doing, because she certainly wouldn't have done it on purpose), he'd only reeled her in closer. Like... who even DOES that? Certainly no one she had ever met before. It was always her desperately doing the reeling and the other person bailing in one way or another. Yet Joel didn't even bail on her when she fucked up!
And while she was eager to get home and see all her friends... plus Tommy and Maria and the baby... all the animals... the little kids... the library with its movies, music, video games, books... Esther's corn fritters, or her amazing apple pie... the zucchini spaghetti that didn't come out quite as good when Ellie made it... Tommy's stew... the shower with that fucking luxurious hot water-- in spite of all these things she had to look forward to, Ellie also sort of didn't care how long it took to get there. Because there was an unspoken understanding that she and Joel would get back to life as usual there. Together, of course, but... not together All.The.Time. I've gotten so used to ALL THE TIME. Can I even handle it? I know we did it before, but... that was different. That was BEFORE. We're so much closer now! We know each other so much better! I don't even know who I AM without him. And I guess that's fucked up, but I don't give a FUCK. As long as I have him, I'm happy.
There were other bad things about home, too. Like, Joel would probably insist that they hide the true nature of their relationship again (he did say they could discuss it, though, which was admittedly more than she'd expected from him). And would they even be able to live in their own house? Or would all that 'Joel is a pervert' shit start up again? Ellie had been so proud of him for throwing that horrible rock into the ocean a few months ago. She'd been dumbfounded -- and annoyed -- when she'd learned that he'd kept the fucking thing, but then... it was so cool, seeing him chuck it into the water! It felt like he'd finally made peace with himself about their relationship... like he'd accepted the fact that he was definitely not some creepy pedophile just because he loved her.
At least... she thought he had. Why the fuck did he say that us having sex is some kind of FAILURE on his part? He's been so awesome about everything all winter long... why can't he just--
"Ellie -- look. Over there. One o'clock. See it?"
She looked to their right. "Is that... ohhhhh, water! It's... I know what that is! It's the-- the-- ummm--" She had to consult the map as she didn't quite remember the name. "The San Luis Dam! So it does have water!" They'd wondered about that. If a Jackson scout had ever come through here before, they should have marked it on what Joel called a 'tactical map,' but it wasn't on the one they'd used for the trip over; they'd never been in this area of California, since their original route had taken them down the coast.
"Drink up," Joel advised.
Ellie knew what he meant: they'd be hanging out here a while, purifying as much drinking water as they had the means to carry, and the more they drank now, the more they'd have room for. Joel really needed it; he would get horrible cramps in his legs and feet if he didn't drink enough water. Being able to drink one's fill was a luxury, just like eating 'til you were full. They were in the habit of conserving water, and trying to suddenly replenish the deficiency in their bodies was sort of futile, since they'd just end up pissing most of it out? Yet they did it anyway. (Joel said peeing a lot was good because it 'flushed out the pipes.')
She figured she'd nurse what was in her thermos until they got to the place where Joel wanted to stop. He gradually picked up speed... until he hit a whopping thirty miles per hour. Emergency conditions notwithstanding, Fox would only go that fast in fairly short bursts, and now was a good time to do it. Man... if we could go this speed all the time, we'd be home so fucking fast!
"You got your-- you do. Good girl," Joel praised her.
She had just lifted the binoculars up to her face when he'd started to ask her. "I can read your mind, see?" She scanned the 'shore' and the horizon for signs of life. "Aaaaaaand... there's a whole lotta nothing."
"Good. ...Shit -- it makes me nervous, goin' this fast. Even though we're still goin' slow. Ain't that silly?"
She glanced at him and snorted. "What doesn't make you nervous?"
He cocked an eyebrow at her. "You callin' me a Nervous Nellie?"
"No! How many times do I have to tell you: you'd make a butt ugly girl."
"Keep lookin' ahead, though, just in case," he told her. "And you're right, I would. But Nervous Nellies are just... timid individuals. I wouldn't say I'm timid."
"Uh, no. You're definitely not." Ellie wouldn't even describe herself that way, most of the time. And Joel was a hundred fucking times braver than she was! "Poor Nellie. Wonder if she had any idea she'd live forever as a... bad nickname sort of thing."
"You think there was an actual Nellie?"
"Yeah. Why not? Unless you made that up? Pretty sure I've heard you say it before--"
"I didn't make it up, but it's just an expression. 'Cause the N sounds go good together, I would assume."
"I bet there was still a real Nellie, though. That's a nice name, don't you think? For a girl?"
"Nervous Nellie?"
"Just Nellie, of course."
"What, uh... what makes you say that?" He was still scanning the horizon, but his eyes kept darting over to her.
Uhhhhh... okay, nervous NELLIE-JOEL, why so nervous? "I dunno... cuz it rhymes with Ellie, I guess?"
"Ah. Right."
"I wonder if it's the same Nellie as the WHOA NELLIE person. Did people in olden times just not have enough names to--" She cut herself off, disturbed by the vibe she was getting off Joel. "Hey, are you... you look like you're getting your people feeling." I don't have that power myself, but I can feel it somehow when it flares up inside Joel? Guess that's ALMOST as good as having it...
"I've been havin' it already. But there's no one around. As you can see."
"You've had it? ...Fuck. For how long?"
"A while, off'n'on."
Okay, so I'm a little SLOW... or maybe it was the off-and-on thing that had messed with her perception. Plus the fact that Joel wasn't freaking out. ...Freaking out in that mellow Joel-y way, that is! Still... Joel's gut had such a knack for smelling trouble that Ellie couldn't help feeling a little worried now herself. "Fuck. No wonder you're nervous. I'll look harder. Maybe they're behind us! Following us!" She whirled around, but visibility was limited because of their mountain of shit in the back. She'd have to lean out to get a better look -- which made Joel NERVOUS, even with her seatbelt on.
"Been checkin' the mirrors -- there's nothin'. It's like the creepy feelin' you had, I think. Nothin' more. You still havin' it?"
"No..."
"Don't lean like that."
"I'm not gonna fall out!"
"There's no door."
It amused the fuck out of her that he felt the need to constantly point that out. Joel is so unintentionally funny! "I'm aware, thank you. I'm strapped in. Chill."
"Just look ahead. You can see the water better than me."
"You could see better if we ~put the top down~..."
"No."
"New rule: driver gets to decide if the top is up or down." That wouldn't help her out now, but--
"You mean passenger?"
"Driver," she confirmed. "Like, the driver should have the power to... make things the way they want. For the... uh... optimal driving experience."
Joel snorted. "You writin' ads now?"
"Ha -- does that mean you're sold?"
"No. Unless you don't wanna drive later."
"You already said I could!" she protested. "I have plenty of sunscreen, if that's what you're--"
"And you'd be better off savin' most of that for your farm days. Especially since you hate wearin' hats."
She'd been trying not to hate it. Ever since she and Joel had become a thing, she'd been more self-conscious of sunburn on her face. Not the color so much (that was actually quite handy for hiding stupid girlish blushing when she was embarrassed!), but the disgusting skin-peeling that inevitably followed. So unsexy. "There's no reason we shouldn't have that shit in Jackson. If those fuckers can send it to Monterey..."
"There's a lot more sunshine in California. But it's worth bringin' up, I agree. Maybe we can get some."
She snickered. "Maybe the town whores can work something out."
"Ellie, that ain't funny."
...No, it really isn't. Why did I even say that? "Right. Sorry."
"Not even sure who you mean by 'town whores' anymore, since Sophie ain't there."
"Sophie's not a whore."
"Last time we lived there, you thought she was."
"I never called her a whore!" ...I don't think?
Joel just gave her a Look (albeit laced with amusement).
"I didn't! I thought she was a skank, that's all."
"It's the same goddamn thing."
"No it's not!" Joel's not really into semantics... "And she's not even that. I know better now."
"That other woman who worked with Sophie... Lucas's mom... you still think she's a whore? Pardon-- a skank? Or did you learn somethin' about judgin' folks you don' know nothin' about?"
"Oh God, do you have to lecture me right now?" she groaned. She had an easy fix for that, though: just steal a page from Joel's book-- "We're Outside, you know!" Besides, that bitch really IS kind of skanky! ...And BESIDES besides: how many people did Joel judge unfairly without knowing anything about them?!
"Noted. We're gonna pull in right over here..."
They were quite far away from the area that Ellie would consider to be the actual dam-y part, like where you could go inside the building and stuff, but close enough that she could see there was no one over there. Ellie tossed the binoculars into Joel's lap, unfastened her seat belt, and hopped out before he'd even finished parking the jeep. "I call first bath!" she declared, hastily looping Fox's lead rope over the side mirror and bouncing off toward the water.
"Hold on-- Ellie! -- Ellie, come back here!"
She was already halfway down the bank. She halted and turned around to roll her eyes at Joel. "I'm not gonna jump in, for fuck's sake."
"Good."
"...Cuz I have to take my clothes off first!" she smirked.
"Ellie--"
"I know, I know -- I'm just messing with you. I'll be careful. This just looks like... kind of like the lake, really." Meaning THE lake in Jackson.
"Looks can be deceiving."
"I know. I was just saying." She knew Joel didn't mind if she bathed first. That he would prefer to take a better look around... maybe spend some quality time examining his gut and its feelings. And he had already made it clear that just because they were having sex now (and thus, seeing each other naked much more frequently than before), it didn't mean they could get careless out here and start doing things like bathing together. One of them had to be on guard, always. Especially when the other one was vulnerable, blah blah blah. Ellie had endured that lecture patiently. Kindly limited her "I know" groans to one or two.
She littered the stony bank with her clothes on the way down to the water's edge. There was definitely a place to wade in... and no ginormous drop that she could see. She didn't need to go out very far anyway. "I found a good spot!" she called back to Joel, turning around to see where he-- "--FUCK!" she yelped.
"Shit -- I wasn't even bein' stealthy," Joel chuckled at making her nearly jump out of her skin. He was right there behind her! "Thought you might want these."
"Oh yeah! Thanks!" In her haste, she'd forgotten that it was a good idea to use things like soap and shampoo when you bathe. She gratefully accepted those items from Joel.
His eyes roved over her naked body appreciatively... like, not at all discreetly, the way they used to... and it still made her blush after all this time! "You better get in the water," he warned her. "You're too much of a distraction up here."
She grinned and stepped in to give him a quick kiss. "You know, we could always--"
He stepped back immediately. "No. What did I tell you about--"
"Yeah yeah yeah, I was just kidding. Didn't mean to trigger another lecture!" she snickered and flounced off into the water. "Brrrrrrrrrrr! Holy fuck!"
"Oh, come on. Is it really that bad? It's gotta be warmer than the ocean in wintertime."
"It's not! It's fucking cold!" She plunged all the way in anyway, as there was no sense in prolonging the torture -- better to get the FUCK IT'S COLD shock of the water over with quickly. Although not everyone shared that philosophy... "Oh man... Joel, I miss Sophie!" she blurted. Her former bathing buddy.
"I know. You'll see her again someday," he assured her, as if there was actually a way for him to fucking know that. But sometimes it was just nice to pretend.
Ellie started lathering up her hair while Joel knelt down the bank from her a bit to collect water for the purifier. He remembered to bring that thingie AND my bathing stuff, while I just ran down here without thinking about either one. ...Does that show the difference in our personalities or what? Or maybe it was their ages, more than their personalities. Pretty sure Sophie would've remembered the bath stuff but not the water thing. I say... score one for it being more personality-related than age-related.
She took another good look around while she bathed. It's beautiful here... The water was a richer blue than the ocean, and the sky was a perfect cloudless mirror of it. The reds and browns of the desert complemented the blue nicely... although she did miss the lush greens that she'd become accustomed to. The desert has its own beauty, really... it's probably not fair to compare it to greener things... man, those columns over there are MASSIVE. And is that a walkway across them? What for?! I'd be scared as fuck to walk that whole way without-- well, there's probably some kind of railing. Or there used to be, back when people worked with this water. Too far away to tell. Still, the dam in Jackson isn't so-- so... what the fuck? "Joel? Joel!" she called to him as loud as she dared; she didn't even see where he'd wandered off to. "Joel!"
"What?" He came jogging back down the bank.
She moved close enough that she had to crouch slightly to remain covered by the water (she was cold enough without the air chilling her further!), and she lowered her volume to just above a stage whisper -- just loud enough for Joel to hear her. "Look over there! Do you see something?" She pointed.
Joel looked, squinting... then lifted the binoculars (which were now dangling around his neck) up to his face. "What do you see?"
"...Nothing. She's gone now!"
"She?"
"There was a woman! Walking on that bridge -- that walkway thing!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes!"
Joel kept looking. ...And looking. And not saying anything. He scanned everything even remotely in that direction. "I don't see a thing."
"But you had your people feeling! Because of her!"
"It was a creeped-out sort of feelin', not exactly a people feelin'. Is that what-- I think maybe that got into your head. It's makin' you see things that ain't there."
"I saw her, though! She was walking that way -- away from us. She was wearing a white dress... it was like, flapping behind her in the wind. And she had long dark hair. It sort of rippled in the air the same way the dress did." It's not even that windy right now, though... what the FUCK, Ellie!
Joel shook his head. "You've got a good imagination, kiddo. Maybe it's just 'cause you were thinkin' about Sophie."
"Sophie doesn't wear dresses! Who the fuck does?!" Besides Ellie's best friend Annie, of course! And no way was it her Ellie had seen. "It didn't look anything like her. Dark hair, not blond."
"Why would anyone be up there?" Joel reasoned. "I don't even think people are meant to walk there. How would she have gotten up? And then down... so fast that she disappeared from sight already? Ain't like there's places for her to hide, unless she sprinted over to that building faster than a cheetah an' got inside without--"
"I don't know, okay? But I saw her!" Ellie cut him off, frustrated. Ugh, does he have to be so annoyingly logical?! The water didn't feel as refreshing as it should have. And... somehow it felt like it had gotten colder since she got in. Not warmer, like she'd expected. Water always feels warmer when you get used to it! Maybe it didn't if you went swimming in the Arctic Ocean or something, but... in a sunny little reservoir in California?
It wasn't just the temperature that was bugging her, though. "I don't like this water," she announced.
"What's wrong with it?"
"I dunno... it's like... heavy... I can't explain it... like quicksand, maybe?"
Joel quirked an eyebrow at her. "Quicksand?"
"Like... it wants to swallow me or something." She tried to peer beneath the surface... but even as she did, she knew she wouldn't see anything. It wasn't like there was some creature down there tugging at her leg. There wasn't actually any sand, either. No, this was... something invisible...
"You were fine a minute ago," Joel pointed out.
"I know!" she snapped. He's so irritating sometimes! "But now I'm not!"
"...Come on out, then. Here, I got you a towel."
They did have quite the supply of towels now, at least. Ellie looked up and saw Joel offering her his hand. He was frowning slightly, brows knitted... signs of concern, finally! She took his hand and clambered out of the water. She immediately felt a little warmer: just cold, rather than freezing-her-ass-off cold. Like the air on her wet skin wasn't as chilling as it normally was when she got out of a body of water.
He wrapped her up in the big white towel and hugged her. "Christ. You are freezin' cold. I would swear you were just bathin' in snow, not water."
"That-t bad?" Her teeth were chattering now. Aside from the air not chilling her as expected, it pretty much felt like coming out of the cold ocean or a cold shower: nothing to freak out over. Joel seems kinda freaked, though... Ellie was more weirded out over the vanishing woman than the creepy water, and she kept staring at the place where she'd spotted her. Or... imagined her?
No -- she was SO REAL!
Ellie's cheek was pressed into Joel's nice warm shirt... his nice warm heart thumping in her ear... yet as comforting as it was to be in his arms, she still felt unnerved.
Joel placed the back of his hand against her forehead. "It don't feel like you have a fever..."
"I d-didn't hallucinat-te her -- I fuc-cking saw her!" she insisted. "I'm not-t mak-king it up!"
"I believe you. But you're so cold, I thought maybe... I don' know." He started rubbing her arms vigorously... her back...
Ellie did feel warmer already; even without all the motion, Joel served very well as her own personal furnace. She really wasn't as wussy about the cold these days -- at least not to the degree she used to be. And Joel was acting like she was literally freezing. "I'm okay. Really. ...See, my teeth even stopped chattering."
He gave her the gentlest of kisses... and his lips still felt warmer than hers. "You still feel cold to me, but... all right. Let's get you dressed."
"I can dress myself," she chuckled, stepping over to the neat little pile of clothing Joel must have assembled from the trail she'd left in her wake. "Are you gonna go in? I wonder if you'll get freaky-cold, too."
"Sure, I'll take a dip in a minute."
"Well, yeah, I didn't mean right this second. I figured you'd wait until I... got dressed." She frowned down at her underwear. "Fuck a duck -- I guess I didn't notice when I was just... gleefully flinging my clothes all over..."
"What now?"
"You didn't notice either, huh?" Of course he didn't -- he picked them up off the ground, but it's not like he turned them inside out to inspect them!
"Notice what?"
"I've kinda felt like it was coming but thought maybe it would hold off another day." Damn -- I wanted one more night of awesome sex first!
"What... the Red River?"
"Yeah. Thank God we already had a bunch of plugs in our room, ready to go. That's one thing I did right!" She'd started stockpiling early. Jan probably would've arranged for her to take some extras home, but Ellie had been a little too shy to ask in advance... and then of course with the way they ended up leaving... it just hadn't happened. Maybe she would've thought I just have super heavy periods. Big deal! Ellie wondered if Joel would've requested some extras for her, if she'd been evil enough to ask that of him... yeah, he'd feel awkward as fuck, but I bet he'd do it. He'd do just about ANYthing for me. Poor guy! "Fuck, I don't think I wanna waste one yet -- it's just barely starting. Once you take it out you can't-- -Hey!" Joel had swooped her up in his arms and was now spinning her around. "What are you doing?" she laughed.
He had an uncharacteristically big smile on his face when he set her down. "Oops, got a lil' carried away. Meant to give you a... a comfort hug." He crushed her against his chest, rocking her side to side in a motion that felt decidedly more happy than soothing.
Ellie enjoyed the affection, naturally. How could she not? But it wasn't the first time Joel had been inordinately happy about her getting her fucking period. It's not like he even comes inside me anyway so I don't know what he's worried about! ...And for fuck's sake -- would it be the worst fucking thing ever if I DID get pregnant? Would the world come to an end -- again?! "Joel... I love you and all, but you might wanna let me get dressed before I bleed all over you," she teased... as if the blood would just come gushing out. Fuck -- it probably froze in its tracks when I got so cold!
"Sorry sorry sorry." He cupped her face in his hands and gave her an exaggerated smooch before releasing her. "Go on. I'll keep lookin' for that woman of yours. ...Huh, I wonder if that weird cold... thing... had somethin' to do with the Red River."
"Why would it?" Of all the ridiculous things to attribute to her period!
"I don' know... but that was weird. Weirder than you even felt, I guess -- than you realized. If you could've felt your skin..."
"Uh, I felt it from the inside? From living in it?" She stepped into her underwear; she could wash the blood out here, but a few specks hardly seemed worth the effort. Especially if she decided not to waste a pad yet, either, which would likely mean further speckling; toilet paper didn't stay in place very well.
"Just a thought," Joel replied in his 'shrug' tone.
It seemed ridiculous to Ellie, but she couldn't really blame Joel for going there; she had blamed all kinds of shit on her uterus, from her moods to her tastes to random aches and pains, even itches... and some of it was completely fabricated, either to garner Joel's sympathy or to manipulate him into doing something for her. There were times -- non-period times -- when Ellie suspected that Joel could tell if she was fibbing about something. But she generally didn't get that feeling when it came to her period. Guys just didn't know. That was the genius of it! "Even if they THINK they know -- it's different for every woman," she remembered Riley telling her.
Oh Riley... I still miss you... what would you think of me now? Ellie felt like she was a completely different person from the girl Riley had known. She knew she wasn't really, just... I'm finally happy? And I've been through a lot more shit.
Joel waited until she was dressed (and thus, ready to protect him from whatever harm might come their way) before shedding his own clothes and gear. She was back to mostly tucking her gun into her jeans again because her holster belt was just so bulky and uncomfortable to wear when she was strapped into the car. Joel wore his, though -- two of them! -- so she felt a little guilty about that. I should blame that aversion on my uterus too, she chuckled to herself. The belt was only helpful when they were heading into a battle; for the car ride, just keeping her two guns within reach was good enough. Joel didn't get on her case about it, for whatever reason. She probably should've taken at least one gun down here with her... but it wasn't like Joel didn't have one to spare. He had been wearing four before stripping down! So she just grabbed a random pistol and tucked it into her jeans.
...and it just so happened to be el Diablo. Weird coincidence.
Joel smirked at her when he dropped his pants. "You're facin' the wrong direction, Miss Lookout."
"Whatever! You totally watched the show before I got in the water," she smirked right back. Honestly, she'd been too distracted by her thoughts just now to even take note of his nakedness, but she would play along. That is one fine ass, she observed when he turned around. She hadn't seen it in the sunlight very often. Even when they had sneaky secret outdoor sex at the resort, Joel kept as much clothing in place as possible. His ass was noticeably whiter than the rest of him... almost as pale as ME!
He had just started to wade in when Ellie saw--
"Joel! Joel, don't go in there!" she shrieked as she lunged forward to yank him back by the arm. "There -- look! You see that?!"
Joel followed her gaze and squinted at the water. "Uh... what is it I'm s'posed to be seein' in there? A shark?" he drawled, calm as fuck.
"It's right fucking there!" She aimed her gun -- Joel's gun -- at the water, as if she could actually shoot the... the what? ... She had just blinked, and now it was gone.
"Ellie, should I be worried about you an' these visions you're havin' of shit that ain't there? Look--"
"No, don't go in there!" She had to tug him farther away from the edge, since he seemed to want to prove that there was nothing there. "It's gone now, but Joel... I swear to God. I saw--" ...Fuck, he's SO going to laugh at this...
"Saw what? Do tell."
"...You're in too good a mood."
"Excuse me?"
"You're like... giddy." On the Joel scale, at least! "You'd laugh. Just forget it. Obviously there couldn't be anything there cuz you were looking right at it and didn't see it."
"I still wanna know what you saw."
"It doesn't matter," she grumbled dejectedly. If I do this long enough, maybe he WON'T make fun of me...
"Maybe... only sweet young girls can see it. Was it a unicorn?"
She glared at him.
"A fairy, then."
She dialed it up to deathglare for that one.
"Aww... all jokin' aside, there might be a logical explanation for it. I can put your mind at ease if you tell me."
"Ugh... what if I'm losing my mind?" she wondered out loud, ignoring his offer. God, what a horrifying thought! "Like Russ, back in Jackson! Karen says he talks to people who aren't there... like he gets confused..."
"Russ is an old man. You... are not."
"Exactly! That's why it's fucking scary to think that I--" She cut herself off with a sigh. "Can you just not go in right there? Go down a little ways. Just in case."
"I will if you tell me what you saw." Joel the bargainer.
"You'll never believe me, so why bother?" she countered.
"I promise I'll believe you," he said solemnly.
No you won't! There would be no convincing him of that without explanation, though. "Um... you'll still laugh."
"I promise I won't laugh," he added.
"Maybe not out loud, but you will on the inside!"
"I will not," he insisted.
Ellie did sort of want to tell him, if he could just not laugh... fuck, even if he DOES laugh, won't I feel better if I tell him? Like... the telling will take away the fear, somehow? "Okay, fine. In the water... right there... lurking right beneath the surface -- I mean right beneath, like his nose was almost poking out--"
"His? A person?"
"No. Not really. Not a... human, exactly... it was more like a..."
"A what? Some kind of animal? A sea creature? ...Nessie? -No no, I got it: Nervous Nessie."
"Shut up! It was like..." ...Fuck! OKAY-- "What I saw... Joel, it was the devil."
He just stared at her.
Saying the word seemed to have finally untied her tongue. "Or maybe a demon of some kind... but I really feel like it was the devil! He had horns... and like a triangle beard and a mustache... his skin wasn't red, though -- isn't it supposed to be red? It was sort of... greenish. Like maybe the water changed it? Except... that's not right, cuz when you put red and blue together you're supposed to get purple. Oh, and his eyes -- they were yellow. Not a sunshine-y kind of yellow... more like a... sickly yellow."
The way Joel was looking at her was a bit... disquieting.
"Say something!" she urged him.
He started to answer her, but paused, like he was reconsidering... or maybe just for dramatic effect? "Ellie... that wasn't the devil."
"It wasn't?" Omigod he's not laughing! She couldn't believe it!
"Nope."
"Then what was it?!" Was he right -- there was a logical explanation? She'd never heard of any sort of animal that looked like that. She was just so happy to hear that she wasn't going crazy!
"It was..." Another fucking dramatic pause! He leaned in like he was about to tell her a secret.
"What was it? Fucking tell me already!"
"...It was my reflection."
...Um... "What? Your... ...Joel!" She whacked his arm. Hard. "You said you wouldn't laugh!"
He looked at her innocently. "And I didn't. I ain't laughin' now, am I?"
"You are on the inside! I can tell!"
A hint of a grin finally slipped through his blank expression. "It's just..."
"What!" She glowered at him.
"I can't help it. You're adorable as hell."
"What's adorable about hallucinating?!" she shrieked. That was the only logical explanation here: she was indeed losing her fucking mind.
"Calm down, will you?" He tried to pull her into a hug, but she wasn't in the mood to be consoled -- or to hear his patronizing you're-so-cute remarks.
"You said 'as hell' on purpose," she accused him. "You're making fun of me!"
Unfortunately, that only seemed to amuse him further. "I say 'as hell' the way you say 'as fuck.' Don't mean nothin' by it. You know what I think? I think you got that Diablo thing in your head, when you learned the name of the mountain range here--"
"The fucking mountain didn't make me see the devil. That's ridiculous!"
"It got into your subconscious or somethin'. You picked up my gun..."
"The gun didn't make me see it, either!" she protested.
"You do have a tendency to be... fanciful, sometimes."
Ellie didn't even know exactly what that word meant, but she gleaned from the context that it had nothing to do with being fancy-shmancy -- and it wasn't good. Never mind the fact that she herself had just been doubting her own sanity... Joel isn't supposed to support that theory! She crossed her arms over her chest and scowled at him. "Just-- fucking--- go on! Go take your bath with the devil. Let him drag you down to hell, I don't care!"
"Really, baby girl? You'd just let him drag me off like that?" His words would suggest he was hurt... but she probably wouldn't have believed that even if he was trying to disguise his obvious amusement. Which he clearly was not; he was totally enjoying this. "You're s'posed to be lookin' out for me while I'm--"
"Fuck you! I should've kept my stupid fucking mouth shut!"
"All right, well... seein' as how I don't wanna stand here naked all day, I ain't gonna argue with you. You just let me know if you see the devil again, yeah? The devil or that mystery woman. Either one of 'em."
She ignored him, turned her back on him... and stared out at that bridge-that-wasn't-really- a-bridge, where she'd seen the woman. AM I losing my fucking mind? Why isn't Joel more upset about that possibility? He's the worrywart here! Well... that wasn't completely true. Joel tended to worry about the more tangible shit, whereas she fretted over the... intangible? The abstract. The thought of losing Joel, for example-- Maybe not RIGHT THIS MINUTE, though! FUCK, he's infuriating!
Thankfully, Ellie didn't see anything else out of the ordinary while Joel bathed. He was dressed and back at her side in less than ten minutes. Just long enough for her anger to dissipate. "Guess you're not going to hell today," she said coolly; maybe she wasn't shouting-mad anymore, but if he kept on teasing her--
"Not today."
She handed him his pistol. Scoured his face for remnants of amusement. "And you didn't even freeze your ass off?"
"Nope. It was cold, but... it didn't do that weird thing to me that it did to you. Your skin felt like ice." He holstered the gun and put his arm around her shoulders. "You know, I've heard of people seein'... mirages... in the desert. Maybe that's all it was. You saw a-- you saw two of 'em."
Ellie snorted; she didn't think that's what it was. She'd seen that depicted in fiction, and it was always about seeing water when you were parched in the desert. Not just... random shit like a lady in a long white dress and a green-skinned devil-like creature under the water.
"Know what I wish?" Joel continued.
"What," she humored him dully.
"I wish I knew you when you were five years old. And you'd come to me... tell me about some monster you just knew was hidin' under your bed, or in your closet... then I'd go scare it off for ya."
...the fuck? "How did you know I had imaginary monsters in my room? Alligators under my bed, too. Those were actually scarier than the monsters. I don't remember telling you about any of that!"
"It's a common thing with kids," Joel explained. "That's all. Even back in my day."
"Oh. Well, you can't just scare them, you know. You have to fucking kill them so they don't come back."
"Is that so?"
"Yeah."
"Pretty grim shit for such a young child. Did you get someone to kill 'em for you, then?"
"Hell no. I killed them myself."
"At five years old? You were already slayin' monsters?"
"Yep."
"Tough little girl." This time she let him tug her into a real hug. "All the same... I would've loved doin' it for you. I can just imagine how goddamn cute you were."
Ellie had tried to get someone to do it for her, at first. That just got her in trouble for being out of bed after bedtime. Like she was fucking making it up or something. (...Well, she had been known to concoct all sorts of reasons for being out of bed when she didn't feel like being there, so she supposed she couldn't blame the grownups -- and even the other kids -- for not believing her.) She had learned quickly that it was much more efficient to kill the fuckers herself. And it was surprisingly effective! In fact, she became the go-to girl for the other kids who suffered from similar delusions. Delusions which, in retrospect, she may have unwittingly passed on to them.
How different would it have been if Joel had been around back then? But... if he killed them all for me, maybe I never would've learned how to do it myself. Maybe I'd be a total wuss today! That wasn't the thought that bothered her most about his little wish, though: "But Joel... if you had met me then, we wouldn't... I mean... you would be my dad," she told him. "If we were together. Nothing else makes sense."
He released her, planting a kiss on her forehead before stepping back. "I assume so, yeah."
"Do you think you'd still wanna have sex with me when--"
"No! Of course not. How--"
"Let me finish! When I grew up. Into a woman's body."
"Absolutely not."
No hesitation. Total certainty.
"How do you know for sure?" she asked.
"Because. If I... raised you... as my own..."
"Then it would be different," she concluded.
"Yes."
"But you've told me you did think of me as your own, before we..."
"It ain't the same thing as... if you were small, like that."
"We still wouldn't be blood relatives, though," she reasoned.
"Well, I... I don' know how to explain it. I just know it would be different." He sighed. "It really is messed up that I went from bein' your dad to bein'--"
"No no no-- okay, forget I said anything!" She tried to distract him from thinking of more stupid shit like that with a nice big kiss.
Joel only indulged her for a moment... because they were Outside. Probably. "It's all right. It's too late to walk it back now. I'm good with us bein' what we are," he reassured her. And it sounded like he meant it...
"Good. I'm glad we didn't meet when I was five, then. ...Aren't you?"
"... ...Sure."
"That wasn't very convincing."
He smiled and tucked a lock of damp hair behind her ear. "Just -- you must've been so cute."
"Am I not cute enough for you now?" she challenged.
"You're still cute. All right, see, I can go both ways on that one. On the one hand, if you were my daughter when you were little... I still couldn't've given you the life you deserve--"
"Stop! Yes you--"
"--on account of the world goin' to hell," he explained. "That's all. But... I could've made things better for you. Made damn sure you didn't get bullied. Or bounced around... -what's so funny?"
"Oh, just the thought of how if you were my dad, those kids would be shitting bricks if you so much as looked at them... I do wish I could've seen that!"
He chuckled. "I thought I already did that for you in Jackson. And you don't like it. It embarrasses you."
"Well... yeah, cuz it's not necessary. I'm old now."
"Mm. Very old. So, there's that... but on the other hand, we wouldn't have the same bond we have today if we hadn't gone through all that shit that happened. That's what really... it ain't that I'd love you less..."
"I know what you mean. We'd probably take each other for granted more," she mused.
"You'd grow up an' leave me to go start your own family..."
"No way. I'd never leave you. I don't care what universe or realm or... whatever we're talking about."
"If we didn't have the same bond, though..."
"Still! I wouldn't. You say you know you wouldn't be attracted to me if you were the person who raised me? Well, I know that I'd never leave you."
He started to reply, but then seemed to think better of it. "All right. You ready to get goin' now?"
Ellie really didn't like this place that kept making her imagine weird things. She was eager to see it in the rear-view mirror. "Yeah. Just one more thing..."
"Hm?"
"Maybe you never got to kill the monsters and alligators for me, but... you still kill the nightmares. I never learned how to get rid of those myself. And they're way worse than stupid fake imaginary monsters. Don't you think?"
He seemed happy with that assertion. "Sure."
Not to mention the REAL monsters... but she didn't want to go there, for some reason. Maybe because it felt like a whole separate other thing. Too based in reality... doesn't fit with the supernatural vibe here...
Supernatural... Ugh! Was she seeing ghosts now or something? In broad daylight? That would be better than losing her mind... right? Once more, her gaze followed the not-bridge over the regal columns... across the rippling blue water... then she took Joel's hand and walked up the bank, vowing not to look back.
~Continue to Chapter 16~
