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lumy12Title: "Singularity" Chapter 17: "The Sky is Falling" [17/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,840
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
~
Joel blinked sleepily at the early morning sunlight that was so rudely assaulting his face (no more foggy mornings, it would seem). He registered Ellie's sleep-breathing, which answered the "Where's Ellie?" question that had been his first conscious thought every morning for the past year and a half or so... and it took him a moment to remember where they were.
He rolled towards Ellie's side of the bed and aligned himself with her backside, spoon-style. So much for her "I'm going to be glued to you all night" declaration... maybe he had rolled away first (according to her, it was always him. ...and she somehow just knew this, even in her sleep -- it was one of her endearing Ellie-isms). She had fallen asleep pretty quickly, considering. He supposed he had, too. Christ... what the hell WAS that yesterday? And was it a one-and-done deal, or... ? As far as he could tell from his limited view from the bed, they were in the same bed in the same house in, presumably, the same mobile home park they'd made camp at last night. (The 'mobile' being in name only, as every single unit they saw had a roof, deck, and a fenced yard attached to it -- which had led Ellie to call the mobile home park sign a big fat liar.) But he didn't have enough of a commanding view out the window to even hazard a guess as to where they were in relation to where they'd stopped last night.
He could hear Fox occasionally making little horsey noises, thanks to the window being rolled open a crack, and that was enough to satisfy Joel for the time being. The jeep... made zero noise, after the engine had been off long enough, but he trusted it was still there. With no garage attached to the place, they'd had to schlep all their shit inside. Joel had kind of wanted to keep going, and get as far away from that bizarre... whatever it was, back there. But Ellie had worried that they wouldn't find much, building-wise, when they ventured out farther... once they left this little cluster of ex-civilization behind. And sleeping in a bed sure beat sleeping in a jeep. He reckoned she was right, and by the time they'd come across this mobile home park, it was already dark. Joel hated traveling at night, when headlights or flashlights serve as beacons to attract trouble -- trouble that you can't even see sneaking up on you. And he was too old for that shit anyhow; his body was programmed to wind down at night.
Since he wasn't in any hurry to get back out there himself, Joel let Ellie sleep for another five or ten minutes. Then he started lightly dusting his fingers over her arm. If she wasn't ready to wake up yet, it likely wouldn't disturb her...
"Morning," she mumbled.
"Good mornin', beautiful." She'll be happy I finally remembered to--
"How was your night? Mine was wonderful, with you by my side," she recited cheekily.
"Stealin' my lines again. You could at least sing 'em if you're gonna do that."
"Nahhhh... I leave that to you. The professional."
"Psh. I seem to recall it was you that everyone was encouragin' to sing more, not me." At the end, anyway...
"Yeah -- because you're so good they know they don't need to tell you!" She grabbed his arm and tugged it snugly around her, planting his hand on her chest. Her right breast, to be more precise.
"Or they wanna hear more of that sweet voice of yours." He idly fondled the breast through her shirt.
She snorted. "Doesn't matter now. Now that we -- oh my God!"
"What?"
She turned her head just enough to look at him. "Where are we? Is it the same place we went to sleep?"
"That... is a very strange question."
"But the time warp thing--"
"I know -- I asked myself that same strange question when I woke up, actually," he chuckled. "Looks the same to me. Haven't been outside yet, though. Maybe the house just up an' moved."
"What, like in that wizard movie... Wizard of Oz? Fuck -- you think maybe there's a yellow brick road out there? Let's go see!"
"Mmm, in a minute." He held her firmly in place when she started to get up. "Ain't done snugglin' with you yet."
That made her giggle. "Oh you ain't, huh?"
He nuzzled her neck. "Nope. It's gonna be another long day... gotta get my fill now while I can."
She relaxed. Went all floppy in his arms, even. "I thought you said you'll never ~have your fill~ of me?"
"That's true." More than you'll ever know, baby girl... "Let me rephrase that: I need a little more to tide me over."
"Okay. I like that. Except... ugh." She squirmed a little. "I might bleed on you if you stay this close."
She just loves to exaggerate about that. "Bleed all you want," he chuckled. "I don't mind."
"Ha. I don't want..."
"How you feelin'?"
She pondered that for a moment. "Meh. Could be worse."
So, not great, then. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah, yeah. You'd trade places with me if you could, blah blah blaaahhhhh."
"I would." Grateful though he was to not have 'female issues,' he did wish he could suffer hers in her stead.
"Seriously, it's not that bad right now. But I'd still trade bodies with you, just so I could pee standing up. That would be awesome. Especially on trips like this."
"You can pee standin' up, if you really--"
"I mean without making a mess down my legs!"
He kissed her shoulder (even though it was covered by her shirt). "Fair enough. You get enough sleep? You conked out pretty quick last night." The monthly phenomenon did tend to fatigue her a little more than usual.
"Me? What about you? How do you even know when I went to sleep?"
"Uh... 'cause you fell asleep when I was pettin' your hair?"
"No -- you fell asleep while you were petting my hair!"
"All right. Sure. You win."
"...I'm not trying to win... I fucking remember, Joel! It was funny cuz you never do that. I mean it was like instant -- the second your hand stopped moving, you started breathing heavy. Maybe you thought I was already asleep, cuz we weren't talking, but I wasn't."
"Mm. How come I heard you snorin' then?"
"I don't snore." Or so she liked to claim.
"The cute little Ellie snore that you do. You were doin' it. I remember slowly easin' off the hair-pettin' so as not to wake you."
"What? No way. You must be remembering the night before. I think I did fall asleep first then? Maybe?"
Joel didn't think that was it, but he really didn't want to revisit the creepiness of yesterday if he could help it. And this discussion was prickling the hairs on the back of his neck. Can we BOTH be right? He would say that's impossible, but after yesterday... "You're prob'ly right. Or maybe I dreamed up the snorin'."
"Oh! Yeah, I bet that's what you did -- maybe you were asleep before you stopped doing my hair. So you even pet me in your sleep -- awwwww!"
Since Ellie liked that notion so much, Joel figured that may as well be what happened. It sure beats the freaky time jumpin' shit. "Guess I'm just that damn good."
"You rock at cuddling, definitely. So, after you fell asleep, I was still thinking about all that weird stuff that happened yesterday..."
"Not sure any good can come of that. It don't make no sense."
"Well... your stagecoach thing. Maybe just fear of running into hunters out here... not really a stretch. I guess that's what my devil could be, too, cuz like... Infected are sort of like demons, right? Or sent by the devil? Something like that."
"So we... hallucinated our fears into reality?" It didn't make sense the same way that the possibility of him dreaming of Ellie snoring did. But if it comforted her to believe it... "What about the people? How do you explain the woman an' the little girl? Since we decided it wasn't 'cause of the weepy woman story..."
"I think maybe... those represent longing? Or something missing? For me, it's my mother... for you, Sarah."
Joel balked at that one, too. "She didn't look like Sarah."
"You said she had blond hair."
"But it was curly. And she was wearin' a dress -- Sarah wasn't really wearin' dresses anymore by that age. She was more of a tomboy. And her skin was never that pale. This girl's was paler than yours."
"Well... if she's a ghost, she'd have--"
"Hang on. Now you're goin' with the ghost thing?" Didn't we rule that out yesterday?
"Maybe? Why not? I mean... who says ghosts have to show themselves to more than one person at a time? Or that it only happens at night? Or whatever you wanna--"
"So you think that little girl was Sarah."
"No! Sarah wouldn't be here. She'd be in Texas, right?"
Joel liked to think she was in heaven. And he didn't want to keep talking about her now, so-- "And your mother would be somewhere back east. You couldn't even see her that well, from where we were at."
"Right right, it's not her. But... it's someone else's mother? And yours is someone else's kid? I dunno."
"She's definitely someone else's. One thing I didn't tell you last night..." Might as well tell her, now that the weirdness has passed.
"Oh! What's that?" she asked eagerly.
"I... don't ask me how, but I knew that her whole family had just been murdered. Right in front of her. I felt her... despair, an' whatnot. Her hopelessness... the shock, or disbelief..."
"What the fuck...? How..."
"I don' know. I just knew. I felt it. Which... I reckon is just more proof that she wasn't real, 'cause how in the hell would I know that?" Reading people was one thing, but... intuiting exact events that had just occurred? How is that possible?
"Huh. That's pretty fucked up. But it actually... could possibly tie into the only other thing I could think of, for yours... it's just not a theory you'll like."
In spite of his dislike of this topic in general, Joel was curious. "Try me."
"Okay... don't get mad."
That never bodes well. "Shit," he grumbled.
"So, I thought it was weird that I saw two things and you didn't see anything, and then you saw -- or heard, whatever -- two things when I was done with mine--"
"Sometimes shit is just random, you know," he felt the need to point out.
"I know. I still haven't figured out the significance of the two and two thing, unless it was just to keep things even until the warping thing fucked with both of us at once. But yours started after I realized I got my period, right? Not sure why the hunters or whoever would wait for that, but the girl... she was sad... crying... maybe she represents guilt." Ellie paused here, like she wanted his input.
"Guilt," he repeated dumbly. What the hell is she getting at? I've never talked to her about the way Sarah died. Maybe Tommy or Maria did? He certainly didn't want to revisit that now. Also-- "What does that have to do with your period?"
"I'm getting to that. You were sooooo happy, remember? You always seem kind of happy when I get it, but this time, you were like... thrilled. I think you were worried I was pregnant. The motion sickness... and throwing up at the base... you thought it was like morning sickness -- cuz we know it doesn't only happen in the morning -- Maria got sick at other times. And you kept asking me how I was feeling."
Damn... didn't think she picked up on all that. "Didn't I just ask you a minute ago? And we know you ain't pregnant."
"I knew it before! I could've told you I wasn't!"
"You couldn't possibly--"
"You don't even come inside me -- how could I be pregnant?"
"We've had... close calls. Times where I was uncertain if..."
"What, so if you get some on me down there... your little spermies can swim from allllllll the way on the outside--"
"Accidents happen. We dodged a bullet here... I need to be more careful, is all."
"A bullet? That's..."
"It's an expression."
"I know, just... it's mean."
"Uh... okay... mean to who?"
She elbowed him lightly. "The baby, of course!"
"The baby that don't even exist? How can it--"
"Whatever! Anyways, you know how we could dodge the bullets easier? If you just let me suck you off instead of--"
"Ellie, what's this got to do with feelin' guilty? 'Cause I sure as hell don't feel guilty about you not bein' pregnant. I'd feel guilty if you were." Guilty... ashamed... HORRIFIED...
"It's like subconscious guilt," she explained. "Like... you're wishing away our unborn child or something. The girl... crying over her lost family... I mean, it makes sense, right?"
...Where in the HELL does she come up with this shit? "That's ridiculous. That girl didn't look like either one of us -- and she had a real live family that got killed. Ain't like she's... a metaphor or somethin'. I like your ghost theory better."
"I knew you would. But Joel... what if I was pregnant? What would you do?" She craned her neck around to look at him. To judge his reaction better, no doubt.
"It don't matter, 'cause you ain't."
"Hypothetically, then."
"Hypothetically... we'd deal with it." Vague and simple.
"How would we deal with it?" she pressed.
"I don' know -- that ain't somethin' I like to think about. You're way too young for that." He rolled away from her to lay on his back, fingers laced together behind his head, choosing to stare up at the paneled ceiling instead of her pretty (but expectant) face.
She rolled over, too -- all the way to her other side, propping herself up on her forearm so she could still see him. "If I'm old enough to have sex, then I'm--"
"You're not old enough. That's the thing. But... since we are havin' it..." He glanced at her. "You're right to be... concerned. It's... real responsible of you. And it's somethin' we should've talked about already." Add another layer of shame on my soul... makes no difference at this point...
"I'm not ~concerned~. I know you don't wanna be a dad again, right now... and I don't wanna be a mom. At least not yet. It's a 'what if' thing. That's all. I like to think that... if it happened... you wouldn't be the sort of guy who bails. I mean... you didn't, before. You got married and everything."
"You're right. I wouldn't make you go through that on your own. I thought you knew that." Shit -- I can barely let her out of my sight! Let alone LEAVE her.
"I do. You just never actually said it, so... What would you do, then? Take me to Idaho and make me get an abortion?"
Jackson didn't have the means to perform abortions safely, but Ellie was assuming that the medical center in Idaho did (and the town had recently started trading with them). They performed surgeries and shit there, after all. With anesthesia and everything. Joel sighed. "Ellie, this really ain't the time or place to--"
"It's a yes or no question!"
"No it ain't. I told you, I wouldn't leave you. That's all you need to know. We'd discuss all that if it happened." But I sure as hell am gonna make sure that it don't.
To his surprise, her eyes filled with tears. "Just so you know -- I don't think I could do that, Joel. Maybe... if it was either do it, or you leave, I would, but even then..."
Must be period hormones... "Ellie, you're gettin' all upset about somethin' that ain't even gonna happen." He reached for her...
...and she tucked herself into the crook of his arm. Laid her head on his chest and sniffled. "I know. I'm being silly, huh."
He squeezed her. "Jus' so you know, I wouldn't... make you do that, as you say." Joel didn't know if he could live with that himself. Again, it wasn't something he cared to think about. But there was no way he would ever force her to do something like that. He didn't even know how safe it would be at that place... he'd never checked it out himself... and what if it was safe enough as far as not killing her, but the procedure was botched somehow and she could never have kids afterward? Aside from all that... does she really think I would be such an asshole that I'd tell her to do it or I'll leave her?! "There'd be no ultimatum, or... nothin' like that. All right? We'd talk about our options an' decide together."
"I wouldn't want to get an abortion," she said firmly. "Not when the baby's yours, anyway. -Which it would be, of course! If I have any say in the matter, I mean."
A reminder that there were indeed worse things than Ellie getting pregnant with his baby. Christ, this conversation needs to end already-- "Okay then. Can we please get back to the here an' now? We really should get a move on." Always a good conversation ender on the road. And they had slept in a little later than usual.
"Just one more thing -- have you heard of pills you can take the morning after sex that... make you not get pregnant? If you're a girl. Obviously."
He had, but was surprised that she had. "Those ain't a hundred percent effective. How do you know about those? Didn' know we had any in Jackson."
"Parker told me. I could've got some from Shelby, if I... you know. Cooperated. Then you could finish inside me and I'd just pop this pill--"
"Did you not hear me say that they ain't a hundred percent effective? Nothin' is. And takin' those casually... there could be long term side effects that--"
"There's not. Women at Golden Sands take them all the time. That's why there's no babies."
Joel sighed again. "There's no babies 'cause most of 'em are at an age where it's harder to have kids... or they're past it."
"Not all of them! Lupe... Sylvia... Nina..."
"Nina's young enough. The other two are... borderline at best. Middle-aged is too old to be havin' kids... the body knows it. Female ones, at least. Males should know it, but they--"
"But it's not too old! That's bullshit!"
"It's true. And just 'cause there's no effects they know about... that don't mean they don't exist." He knew next to nothing about the pills, really... but now he wondered if he ought to concoct some story -- like a cautionary tale -- just to get the idea out of Ellie's head, because he didn't want her seeing it as some kind of miracle birth control method that they should start employing if given the opportunity. Hell, I don't have to make something up-- "Besides, say Jackson starts gettin' drugs from Idaho -- I'm thinkin' it would be more the regular kind anyhow, like aspirin... blood pressure pills... -- but let's say they do. How would you or I get our hands on 'em without arousin' suspicion?" Assuming he and Ellie would revert to hiding their relationship. ...Oh shit -- I really don't want to get into THAT topic right now, either...
Thankfully, Ellie didn't go there. "We could steal them somehow, I guess? Not like the storehouse has armed guards hanging around the-- oh! We wouldn't have to steal. I could get Max to swipe some for me! Since his parents run it and they let him go wherever he wants in there!"
Max? HELL no. "Oh sure. He wouldn't find that suspicious at all. He wouldn't think I put you up to it."
"I could pretend it's for me and someone else, silly! Cuz... yeah, he's not cool with the idea of us." She snickered. "I can't believe he asked me if you come into my room at night. Like that would be a bad thing."
"I can believe it. You were drunk off your ass, talkin' too loud. In his earshot."
"Whatever. The whole town knows I have a ~crush~ on you now anyway."
That had definitely come in handy in terms of hiding shit, because Ellie... did not have the world's best poker face, to say the least. "Which is precisely why it would look strange for you to need those for someone else. He'd never buy it."
"Well... maybe I got over you during the winter?" She grinned up at him.
"If only that were true."
"What?! Joel!" She thumped his chest.
It was unfortunate for her that Joel was still so amused by her outrage -- and amused at how easy it was to provoke her. She's too goddamn cute! "If only it were true for your sake. Lucky for me, it didn't happen."
"And lucky for me! Fuck -- I would never get over you, Joel. Never. I just told you that, like... yesterday!"
He believed she meant that with all her heart. But he also believed -- had to believe -- that it wasn't actually true. "All right. Come on, now... we've dilly-dallied long enough." He patted her arm.
"Yeah yeah. I really should get up anyway and... you know. Dam up the Red River. Er, pull the plug and re-dam it!"
He kissed her temple before she slithered away from him. "You do that... I'll do a quick walk-around."
"Like... outside?" She grabbed his arm. "Don't go out there without me!"
Joel gestured to the sunshine streaming through the window. "Does that look like a tornado to you, Dorothy?"
"Ha. Um, I guess not. ...Toto!"
"What, so I'm the dog?"
"Who else would you be? You're always with me. And... you've got like the same hair color! Plus you're both cute!"
"The dog is cute. He's also so little that Dorothy can carry him in a basket." Joel started pulling on his boots.
"Okay, so that part doesn't fit... but come on. You don't need a brain, or a heart, or courage, cuz you've already got all those... and you're not a fucking Munchkin..."
"I'll take the dog, thank you."
"Yes! Oh -- Jackson must be the Emerald City, huh! ...Does that mean Tommy's the wizard?"
Joel snorted. "We can genderswap that role so it's Maria. Ultimately, she's the one in charge."
"Whatever -- they share it anyways. They can be the same person. Like me and you -- we're pretty much one person."
It bothered him that she had thoughts like that... if he said as much, though, she'd likely just call him a hypocrite. It was okay for him to view her as an extension of himself, a part that's vital for survival... but not the other way around. He'd never phrased it to her that way, of course, but... she knows. She's always known. He would just play it light-hearted here. "Uh, no we ain't -- we found the key to the handcuffs, remember?"
She sidled up to him while he was strapping on his shoulder holsters. "Speaking of those, maybe--"
"No."
"...You don't even know what I was gonna say!"
"I got the general idea." He wondered if she even realized the sidling always gave away her intentions.
"I wasn't talking about now. Fuck. I'm all gross anyway."
He didn't bother telling her she wasn't gross; it never did any good. "I've got an idea: let's save those for your birthday next week, yeah? Since I can't get you a real present."
"Okay! That's a great present! No -- it's a fan-fucking-tastic present!" She kissed his cheek. "We stop early that day. At the nicest house we see!"
"Whatever you want, baby girl." Maybe he couldn't buy her nice gifts, but at least this would give her something to look forward to on her birthday.
* * * * *
Sometimes, Joel couldn't help thinking it was nice to have Outside shit to distract him from unpleasant thoughts. A stray one or two might bubble to the surface, but those were easily dismissed. He needed to keep the thinking portion of his brain occupied with ensuring their safety. He sure as hell wasn't going to get caught with his proverbial pants down, his head in the clouds, by a patch of Infected or band of hunters. Or the soldiers, of course... have they given up on us yet? Surely they would've caught up to us by now. Anyway, the stress of constant vigilance could take a toll after a while... but today, Joel welcomed it. Shit -- he preferred it to ruminating over Ellie. Everything he'd done wrong. Every way he'd failed her. And, worse than those types of thoughts: what to do about her future. Those carefree days on the beach were over now. It had been a great extended vacation. Getting there hadn't been vacation-like, but living there at the resort all winter had been... well, like living in a resort. Not like the resorts of olden times, of course, but he reckoned it was as close as they could get, in this new world. It was the longest vacation of Joel's life.
The thing about vacations: they always have to end.
At some point on this trip back home, they would have to decide whether or not to be open about the true nature of their relationship. Joel was definitely leaning toward 'not,' and Ellie seemed to be on the fence. That wasn't even what was troubling Joel most, though. He just couldn't shake the feeling that he was depriving her of a normal adolescence, and that he was stealing valuable years of her life. He wanted her to have a family of her own. To get married and have kids. As for him having kids... Hell no. He was too old for that. Plus, worrying about Ellie was a full-time job; he didn't have the energy anymore to do two full-time jobs.
He would like to give her the security of marriage, though, someday. She was too young now, of course, and who could say where the next couple years would take her? ...But, in his heart, he truly felt like she wasn't going to outgrow him, as he'd feared she might in the early days. She would likely stick with him come hell or high water, as long as he lived. Until he was a decrepit old bastard, if need be. Until he couldn't even get it up -- while she was at her sexual peak, no less. She'd stay by his side without them being married, even. Because she thought all the 'put a ring on it' sentiments were relics from the lost world, now seen only in movies. Sure, they'd gone to Bryan and Trinity's wedding, and she'd had a blast, but she had also pointed out that getting married hadn't actually changed anything about the couple's relationship. It just gave them a piece of paper claiming they were married -- a piece of paper that didn't even mean anything outside of Jackson. He would assume that was the consensus among her generation. Still... I think she'd feel better about me -- about US -- if we made a permanent commitment. If she's gonna stick with me anyway, we might as well get married when she's eighteen... if I'm a selfish bastard either way...
...And didn't that kind of thinking prove that he was the one who craved the security of marriage? Not Ellie. Joel didn't much care if he was a selfish bastard... except when it came to doing right by her. Sometimes, reconciling the two was a challenge.
Almost as bad as dwelling on this shit was remembering the freak occurrences of yesterday (which, thankfully, hadn't bled into today). He suspected Ellie was thinking about it. Probably patting herself on the back for that horseshit about guilt that she'd cooked up. She had a daydreamy look about her at times... only she didn't seem happy. He suspected she'd been hoping he would tell her he wanted to have ten babies with her, or something along those lines. Even if she wasn't ready yet. She would be ready someday... and Joel was taking that away from her, too. That was a huge one: condemning Ellie to never being a mother, with a heart as big as hers. Depriving the world of-- well, I've already proven I don't much care about the goddamn WORLD. It's HER... all that love inside her, wasted... on the likes of YOU, asshole.
He quashed the stray thoughts moments after they occurred, irritated with himself for having them. It's the goddamn jeep. And going so slow, just sitting here, physically not doing jack shit... it lulled him a bit. He had to fight that. And he had to help Ellie fight it, too; she'd thanked him many a time for pulling her out of her own head, as she put it. So he kept asking her to check the map, or to check out this or that landmark-type thing with her binoculars. They took meal or snack breaks -- which weren't even needed, as they could eat everything but dinner in the jeep -- and potty breaks. Sometimes even just stretch-your-legs breaks. Joel was only half joking when he told her he'd need to resume a morning workout routine just to stay in shape, since this trip was so non-strenuous. He'd always prided himself on being fit, even before that became a measure of survival. Now... there was that, of course, but he also wanted to do it for Ellie. He couldn't do much about the wrinkles and the gray hair. Fitness, however... that was much more in his control. He was still relatively strong... he knew age would sap that from him, little by little, if some traumatic injury didn't sideline him first, but he would do everything in his power to hold onto it for as long as possible. ...I will put a pistol in my mouth before it comes down to her wiping my ass, I swear to God. If he was physically incapable of killing himself, he'd persuade Tommy to do it for him.
That feeling of inexplicable unease that had plagued him for so long yesterday had vanished overnight, and he wasn't quite perturbed enough at the unbidden troubling thoughts as to wish that back. But that afternoon, when the hairs on the back of his neck did start prickling again...
"Shit," he muttered.
"Hmm?" Ellie replied absently.
"You pickin' up a bad vibe in the air, or is it just me?"
Ellie pondered this. "Um... just you, I guess? Anywhere in particular you want me to look?" She had the binoculars in front of her eyeballs already.
"No... I think we should get off at the next exit, though."
"I thought you said if there are people, they'd be more likely to be there."
He had said that, yes. More likely to congregate by buildings than out in the middle of nowhere, at least. They'd been through mostly desert today, and it had probably been an hour or two since they'd last seen any remnants of civilization. It had made him wary to see the cluster of trees, the dark green looking so out of place amongst all the beige... the sign indicating a road crossing the highway near them... "There's prob'ly no one. We're still out in the boonies right now. We need to get there... faster than we're goin'. You wanna ride the horse while I drive? Or I'll try drivin' faster while you tug him along -- since it's a straight shot 'til the turn-off--"
"No, I'll ride him... but Joel... if you don't see anything... or hear anything... the times we've stopped to go hide cuz you thought you heard the soldiers, nothing happened. Right?" She looked at him questioningly.
Joel wasn't convinced that just because nothing happened meant he'd been in the wrong; the whole point was to get far enough away to avoid them completely. It was much harder to hide a jeep, a horse, and two humans than it was to hide just two humans, after all -- they'd gone out of sight, out of earshot... but he understood her skepticism. The whole 'crying wolf' thing. "This is different. It's a feelin'. Feels like we've been out in the open too long, and..."
"And what?"
"...Like the sky's gonna fall on us."
"Um... okay?"
"I know it sounds crazy." Because a feeling of the sky is falling generally indicated hysterical bullshit...
"I trust you. If it's the sky... maybe you're worried about a helicopter? Even though they haven't sent any after us... so far..."
As soon as she said it, Joel knew she was right. He'd been listening for them all along, of course, and yet his gut hadn't made the connection until it was verbalized, for some reason. "I bet you're right. I can't believe I didn't think of that."
She seemed pleased to have thought of something that he hadn't. "I'm just like... finishing your thoughts for you again." Yes, she did that sometimes.
"Might just be paranoia, but..."
"Better to be safe than sorry. That's what I always say!" she grinned.
Tch. Right. Joel wished that was her philosophy. "Go on, then. Follow me to the trees -- or pass me if you want to, just don't cut in front, go off to the--"
"I got this." She hopped out before Joel had even brought the car to a full stop. And she brought Fox around to the driver's side without being prompted (he felt it was easier to keep an eye on her that way).
Joel gunned it up to fifth gear and they reached the trees quickly. Ellie stayed behind him, more or less in the spot he'd wanted her yesterday before he'd changed his mind about her riding. The area resembled a rest stop, with perhaps a couple extra buildings, and an oddly-shaped empty parking lot that brought to mind some sort of driver's ed course. Too bad we already did that... The buildings were unmarked and clearly abandoned. Of course, that didn't necessarily mean he trusted that no one was lurking in the area, but he wasn't concerned with that at the moment.
He drove off the road, through the grass, to the densest group of trees. Nice, bushy camphor trees that provided mushroom-cloud type shade. He parked the jeep right smack in the middle, where it was shadiest.
Ellie pulled up as he was getting out of the jeep. "There's grass here!" she exclaimed. "We've barely seen grass all day! See, we needed to stop here anyway, just so Fox can eat."
Joel didn't think the patchy grass looked all that satisfying, but it was more than they had seen near the highway lately. Fifty feet out, it was all desert again. California's just... weird. "He needs to stay out of sight, though, just like us. Hitch him to the jeep."
"Okay. I'll take a nature break, while we're here. A river nature break, that is," she added with a little groan.
He leaned against one of the trees. Scanned the buildings on the other side of the street while she fetched her... Red River paraphernalia. Still nothing. He knew there was no one there, but he wouldn't be satisfied until he knew with his eyeballs instead of just his gut. "Where you goin'?" he asked her when he saw her heading that way.
"I wasn't gonna do it with you right here. I love you and all, but--"
"Just go down to the end here, then... not all the way over there. Stay under this group of trees where I can see you. -I won't watch," he added, chuckling at the expression on her face (Ellie had already made it very clear that no matter how long they were together, she would not be cool with certain bathroom activities done in close proximity).
"If you're not watching, then why should I stay where you can see me?!" she protested.
"I mean stay on this side of the street, in the shade. You can go behind the farthest tree if you want. As long as I know you're there."
She smirked at him. "Should I yell back to you every five seconds so you know I'm okay?"
"That won't be necessary. Smartass."
Truth be told, he wouldn't have minded that one bit. Especially since, halfway there, Ellie did call back to him, saying not to worry because she'd make sure to scream her head off if there was someone behind the tree waiting to grab her. Now why does she have to mess with me like that?
...Same reason I like to mess with her, I reckon. Fair is fair.
It took a lot of will power not to trot on over there and check. He knew there was no one behind the goddamn tree. Gut-knew, not eyeballs-knew, but still. He no longer felt like the sky was about to fall, either. That sense of dread, or impending doom... it had died down to the normal level of Outside cautiousness. It's pretty stupid to travel in an open area like this in broad daylight, he started chastising himself. The forest-y, winding mountain roads are one thing, but just straight-up desert... we'd be spotted so much easier from above. We'd stand out like... little ants crawling over a white picnic tablecloth... one with no food and shit on it. Nothing to hide behind or blend into.
He could pull off to the side and pretend to be just another dead car in a ditch. The bright white paint was still caked with dried mud, so there was nothing to draw the aerial eye. With the top up, the soldiers wouldn't be able to see there were human beings inside. One problem with that: Fox was a horse, not a dog you could teach to play dead.
A faint whirring noise to the west perked up his ears. So it WASN'T just paranoia... shit! All right... we're safe here... no one can see us.
Ellie came running back over. "Do you hear that? Duh -- of course you do -- so what do we do?!"
"Nothin'. We wait."
She tossed the toilet paper roll carelessly into the jeep and joined him at the tree. "How can we do nothing?!" she shrieked. "It's getting louder!"
He put his arm around her. "First of all, we don't even know if they're lookin' for us."
"Of course they're looking for us!"
"...Strange as it may seem, the world don't actually revolve around you'n'me. Maybe they've got other shit goin' on."
She gave him a Look. "Joel. You don't really believe that, do you?"
He chuckled. "I s'pose not. But it's possible. Anyhow, they can't see us overhead. Look up -- you see how solid those branches'n'leaves are? Can't even see an inch of sky. We can't see through, they can't see through."
"But what if... maybe they have some kind of X-ray vision that lets them see through! That's a thing, right?"
"You've been readin' too much Savage Starlight, kiddo. This is the best place for us to be." Actually, it could be the second best; if the bastards sent in ground troops, it would be easier to stealth-attack with walls between them. But the buildings were so small it might not make much difference. If there's a fair amount of them, our best bet would be to ride like hell out of here... Ellie on the horse, me in the jeep... we could lose the helicopter if we make it to the mountains and go off the road... hell, we'd probably just have to ditch the jeep, too, both of us riding the horse-- maybe that's all they would care about, getting their jeep back--
"It would be so easy for them to land that thing here," Ellie lamented.
"They ain't gonna land," he assured her, despite the thoughts he'd just been having. "They don' know we're here. They have no reason to suspect we're here. This ain't the way most folks would go."
"They don't know where we're going, though," she pointed out. "Unless... someone told them? Do you think someone would?"
"Don' know. But so what if they did? This ain't the most direct route home." ...Of course, with as much ground as that bird can cover, who's to say they haven't checked all other routes already?
"Do you think they saw the smoke from the fire and followed the road this way?"
It was certainly possible. "I don' know, Ellie... but if they did, they can see now that we didn't come this way."
"Uh... except we did..."
"They won't think so, since they haven't found us. Hell, they got no way of tyin' the fire to us... no evidence we were there. They could chalk it up to somethin' random."
Ellie snorted. "And the Infected just happened to kill themselves there?"
"Sure. Maybe the tree caught fire somehow an' fell on 'em." Stranger things had probably happened. "Maybe this helicopter was puttin' out the fire an' now it's goin' back to wherever it came from."
"They do that?"
"It makes more sense than sendin' fire trucks from... hours away, or wherever they're at. Keepin' 'em fueled... staffed... seems unlikely. Far as I know, those ain't bein' used anymore." Of course, they hadn't thought helicopters were being used, either... but the choppers still made more sense to him than the trucks. And it certainly didn't seem like the wildfires were going unchecked. Do they do fire patrols? Except it ain't even fire season yet...
Ellie wasn't convinced. "Oh -- what if they went to Jackson and warned Tommy that we were coming and like... told him to send word if we showed up?" she fretted.
"Even if they did, Tommy wouldn't do that. If it was just me, maybe, but he loves you too much."
She leaned into him, shoving him playfully. "Shut up. He loves you, too, and you know it."
"Besides, that thing's comin' from behind us, not in front of us."
"It sounds really close now... what if they fly low enough to the ground they can see us?"
"They won't. In fact, I don't think they're goin' directly overhead." It sounded like they were heading more north than east.
"I wanna see it! Can I just--"
"No."
"With the binoculars, if I--"
"No." He instinctively tightened his grip around her shoulders, even though she made no move to run off.
"I could see if Caleb's with them! He prob'ly made it back to the base by now, right? If he didn't break his back, I mean."
"Findin' out if he's in there ain't important enough to risk bein' seen." The chances of them spotting her were slim, especially if they were heading in another direction, but Joel didn't care. "You can stand... right over there... still under the trees... and maybe you can see it when they get a little farther away."
"They're going away? ...Hey, yeah, it doesn't sound like they're getting closer anymore..."
"See? They ain't even followin' this here highway."
She didn't even go to the spot he'd indicated to get a better look at the helicopter, seemingly content to stay glued to his side. "How did you know they were coming? Did you hear them way back there? -No, you said you didn't... Obviously they didn't see us on the road..."
"I just... had a feelin'."
"Yeah... like the sky was gonna fall on us."
"Somethin' like that." It sounded utterly ridiculous when she said it, of course.
"Well, I didn't. I didn't feel a thing. Good thing I have you with me!"
He chuckled. "You keep sayin' that. Things like... you're glad you ain't alone, or--"
"Well, I am!"
"Where the hell else would I be?"
"I don't know! Back on the beach relaxing?! It's always my fault you're out here risking your ass."
He kissed the top of her head. "Nowhere else I'd rather be. And last time wasn't your fault. It was Sophie's. Or Alex's, if you wanna take it back a step further. ...Or Nina's, from a--"
"That was still my choice. You left it up to me, remember?"
"I wanted to go, though. You went along with what I wanted."
"You were okay with not going, too. Unless that was a lie."
And there was a time he wished like hell that they'd never left. Those two goddamn days that felt like weeks... yet here we are, Outside again. "It wasn't a lie. I didn't like the idea of... puttin' you at risk."
"But we did a good job. We were good bodyguards."
Losing one of the horses and Ellie getting injured -- twice -- didn't qualify as 'good' in Joel's book... but if SHE'S proud of it... "We did get Sophie there in one piece." He could acknowledge that much, at least.
Ellie chuckled. "Remember how it felt like she was the kid and we were the parents? Except of course it didn't look like-- oh my God, Joel!"
"Hm?"
"Ron!"
"...Who?"
"We're not gonna see him this time, going a different way!"
"What the hell are you talkin' about?"
"Don't you remember? You liked him. The old guy who nearly blew our heads off for trespassing? He thought I was your daughter. Yours and Sophie's."
"Oh. Him. Sure, I remember." Joel had liked that old bastard.
"Maybe he hasn't even seen a single living person since we came through there!"
Or maybe he didn't survive the winter... but the guy had been living alone for many years; he had obviously figured out how to survive plenty of them before this one. That would've been me, if it weren't for Ellie... Joel was convinced of that. He would've eventually gotten into some kind of trouble in the QZ to get his ass kicked out -- they'd discover his underground dealings or some shit -- and then he'd figure "screw it" and just go be a hermit somewhere. "He likes it that way, Ellie."
"But -- when I told him about Jackson, didn't he seem kind of interested? What if he's been waiting and waiting all winter long for us to come back and take him home with us?"
Guess I won't tell her that we WILL still go through that area... he didn't want her getting excited about something that was unlikely to happen. Joel didn't remember exactly where that place was; it hadn't been landmark-y enough. Just some random little farm among hundreds along the way. "I don't remember him bein' all that interested. He'll prob'ly just assume we're dead."
"Joel!" She shoved him again. "Don't say that!"
He chuckled. "What? He won't give a shit." Again, he was surprised to see tears in her eyes.
"I can't stand him thinking that! We should go pick him up."
That one elicited a real laugh. "Are you serious?"
"Yeah! We could make room for him in the jeep -- I could sit in the back. Or just ride Fox! Or he could ride. Remember his horse got stolen--"
"Ellie, we ain't doin' that." He pulled her in for a real hug and gave her a good squeeze. "I do love you, though. Hormones and all."
"It's not hormones!"
"You don't normally cry over--"
"I'm not crying!"
He pulled back and cupped her face in his hands. "No, I s'pose you're not." He brushed his lips over hers. "You're just too damn sweet, Dorothy."
She gave him a teensy smile. "Am not, Toto."
She likes to say she ain't sweet... but she also seems to love it when I tell her that she IS. "You are. Listen... ...no more helicopter."
"Cool. We ditched them! With our.. awesome maneuvering skills and everything... standing still..."
"Very crafty of us, yes."
She kissed him sweetly. "Thank you."
He chuckled. "Knock off the 'thank you's already, will you?"
"Never! Just say 'you're welcome' -- jeez. -Oh, hey -- I just thought of something!"
"What's that?"
"The helicopter is the Wicked Witch of the West! Get it? Cuz it's bad and it flies and it came from--"
"--the west. Yes. Clever."
She hugged him fiercely. "Don't worry, Toto, I won't let her take you from me!"
He hugged her back, then pulled back enough to kiss her cute little button nose. "Don't you worry -- I'll bite her if she even tries."
She giggled. "We're so silly. So can we hang out here a little bit, or you wanna get back on the road?"
Joel was hesitant to get right back out there; just because the 'witch' had flown the other way didn't mean she couldn't circle back around toward them. "I was thinkin'... we should hang out here a lot. Until the sun starts settin', if not longer."
"What?!"
"The Wicked Witch didn't just disappear into thin air," he pointed out. "I'll check the map again, but I think it's gonna be another day or so before we get to the next mountain range. Maybe we should travel more at night, 'til then."
"But you hate traveling at night!" she cried, wide-eyed and scandalized.
"I do. But you know what I hate more?"
She didn't have to ponder that one: "Being spotted by a fucking army helicopter."
"Got it in one."
"Except you never have been, so how do you know you hate it more?" she teased.
"It's what they call an educated guess," he replied dryly.
"Ugh... what if the helicopter is still looking for us at night?"
It could be... but Joel's understanding was that it would be difficult for the pilots to see without light coming from the ground -- like from a city, back in the old days. With any luck, the few clouds dotting the sky now would thicken a bit this evening, making it even harder. "I don't think they would. Real hard to see shit at night. Hard to navigate. But we'll still listen for it. We could always cut the lights if we had to." Not that he'd even hear it in time, with the jeep running... "Maybe take off on the horse if it feels like they spotted us... but I don't think they'll come back this way -- not at night. They wouldn't wanna be headin' toward a mountain range when they can't see good, an' they might just assume we're sleepin' somewhere, out of sight, God knows where."
"Okay, well, speaking of sleeping: if we're driving all night, we take turns sleeping -- you have to let me drive while you sleep."
"How 'bout we see if we can take a little nap here... an' then we'll see about the drivin'."
"I'm a good driver! I wasn't even the one driving when that time warp shit happened. You said I was doing fine!"
"You are. So we'll see. ...And the loop thing was my fault, was it?"
"No! I was just saying!" she laughed. "Oh man... I should know better than to suggest that. Like you need something else to be your fault."
"No, that one definitely falls under 'shit happens.' " Maybe something he'd done had somehow triggered it, but they would never know. It certainly wasn't something he could've foreseen and prevented.
Joel knew it was important to Ellie to prove her... capabilities, and whatnot... even if he felt like she had nothing to prove. Not to him, at least. To herself, maybe? ...Maybe I can't answer that one... It would be a good test of his faith in her, to do something as (seemingly) simple as nod off while she was behind the wheel. If he truly believed she didn't need to prove herself, then...
But what if that turns out to be the difference between life and death?
Not worth it. Nothing was worth that. And being as cautious as possible wasn't a knock on her... it was just smart. BUT--
All things considered, Joel hadn't been doing such a bang-up job of keeping her safe himself, going back to their first trip. Who was he to say that Ellie couldn't do it better? He should be glad if she could. You do WANT her to get to a point where she don't need you for ANY of this, he reminded himself. For this... or for anything at all...
And yet the idea of that -- of actually achieving that ultimate goal -- gnawed at his gut in a different way. It was somehow more terrifying to Joel than the sky falling.
~Continue to Chapter 18~
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,840
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
~
Joel blinked sleepily at the early morning sunlight that was so rudely assaulting his face (no more foggy mornings, it would seem). He registered Ellie's sleep-breathing, which answered the "Where's Ellie?" question that had been his first conscious thought every morning for the past year and a half or so... and it took him a moment to remember where they were.
He rolled towards Ellie's side of the bed and aligned himself with her backside, spoon-style. So much for her "I'm going to be glued to you all night" declaration... maybe he had rolled away first (according to her, it was always him. ...and she somehow just knew this, even in her sleep -- it was one of her endearing Ellie-isms). She had fallen asleep pretty quickly, considering. He supposed he had, too. Christ... what the hell WAS that yesterday? And was it a one-and-done deal, or... ? As far as he could tell from his limited view from the bed, they were in the same bed in the same house in, presumably, the same mobile home park they'd made camp at last night. (The 'mobile' being in name only, as every single unit they saw had a roof, deck, and a fenced yard attached to it -- which had led Ellie to call the mobile home park sign a big fat liar.) But he didn't have enough of a commanding view out the window to even hazard a guess as to where they were in relation to where they'd stopped last night.
He could hear Fox occasionally making little horsey noises, thanks to the window being rolled open a crack, and that was enough to satisfy Joel for the time being. The jeep... made zero noise, after the engine had been off long enough, but he trusted it was still there. With no garage attached to the place, they'd had to schlep all their shit inside. Joel had kind of wanted to keep going, and get as far away from that bizarre... whatever it was, back there. But Ellie had worried that they wouldn't find much, building-wise, when they ventured out farther... once they left this little cluster of ex-civilization behind. And sleeping in a bed sure beat sleeping in a jeep. He reckoned she was right, and by the time they'd come across this mobile home park, it was already dark. Joel hated traveling at night, when headlights or flashlights serve as beacons to attract trouble -- trouble that you can't even see sneaking up on you. And he was too old for that shit anyhow; his body was programmed to wind down at night.
Since he wasn't in any hurry to get back out there himself, Joel let Ellie sleep for another five or ten minutes. Then he started lightly dusting his fingers over her arm. If she wasn't ready to wake up yet, it likely wouldn't disturb her...
"Morning," she mumbled.
"Good mornin', beautiful." She'll be happy I finally remembered to--
"How was your night? Mine was wonderful, with you by my side," she recited cheekily.
"Stealin' my lines again. You could at least sing 'em if you're gonna do that."
"Nahhhh... I leave that to you. The professional."
"Psh. I seem to recall it was you that everyone was encouragin' to sing more, not me." At the end, anyway...
"Yeah -- because you're so good they know they don't need to tell you!" She grabbed his arm and tugged it snugly around her, planting his hand on her chest. Her right breast, to be more precise.
"Or they wanna hear more of that sweet voice of yours." He idly fondled the breast through her shirt.
She snorted. "Doesn't matter now. Now that we -- oh my God!"
"What?"
She turned her head just enough to look at him. "Where are we? Is it the same place we went to sleep?"
"That... is a very strange question."
"But the time warp thing--"
"I know -- I asked myself that same strange question when I woke up, actually," he chuckled. "Looks the same to me. Haven't been outside yet, though. Maybe the house just up an' moved."
"What, like in that wizard movie... Wizard of Oz? Fuck -- you think maybe there's a yellow brick road out there? Let's go see!"
"Mmm, in a minute." He held her firmly in place when she started to get up. "Ain't done snugglin' with you yet."
That made her giggle. "Oh you ain't, huh?"
He nuzzled her neck. "Nope. It's gonna be another long day... gotta get my fill now while I can."
She relaxed. Went all floppy in his arms, even. "I thought you said you'll never ~have your fill~ of me?"
"That's true." More than you'll ever know, baby girl... "Let me rephrase that: I need a little more to tide me over."
"Okay. I like that. Except... ugh." She squirmed a little. "I might bleed on you if you stay this close."
She just loves to exaggerate about that. "Bleed all you want," he chuckled. "I don't mind."
"Ha. I don't want..."
"How you feelin'?"
She pondered that for a moment. "Meh. Could be worse."
So, not great, then. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah, yeah. You'd trade places with me if you could, blah blah blaaahhhhh."
"I would." Grateful though he was to not have 'female issues,' he did wish he could suffer hers in her stead.
"Seriously, it's not that bad right now. But I'd still trade bodies with you, just so I could pee standing up. That would be awesome. Especially on trips like this."
"You can pee standin' up, if you really--"
"I mean without making a mess down my legs!"
He kissed her shoulder (even though it was covered by her shirt). "Fair enough. You get enough sleep? You conked out pretty quick last night." The monthly phenomenon did tend to fatigue her a little more than usual.
"Me? What about you? How do you even know when I went to sleep?"
"Uh... 'cause you fell asleep when I was pettin' your hair?"
"No -- you fell asleep while you were petting my hair!"
"All right. Sure. You win."
"...I'm not trying to win... I fucking remember, Joel! It was funny cuz you never do that. I mean it was like instant -- the second your hand stopped moving, you started breathing heavy. Maybe you thought I was already asleep, cuz we weren't talking, but I wasn't."
"Mm. How come I heard you snorin' then?"
"I don't snore." Or so she liked to claim.
"The cute little Ellie snore that you do. You were doin' it. I remember slowly easin' off the hair-pettin' so as not to wake you."
"What? No way. You must be remembering the night before. I think I did fall asleep first then? Maybe?"
Joel didn't think that was it, but he really didn't want to revisit the creepiness of yesterday if he could help it. And this discussion was prickling the hairs on the back of his neck. Can we BOTH be right? He would say that's impossible, but after yesterday... "You're prob'ly right. Or maybe I dreamed up the snorin'."
"Oh! Yeah, I bet that's what you did -- maybe you were asleep before you stopped doing my hair. So you even pet me in your sleep -- awwwww!"
Since Ellie liked that notion so much, Joel figured that may as well be what happened. It sure beats the freaky time jumpin' shit. "Guess I'm just that damn good."
"You rock at cuddling, definitely. So, after you fell asleep, I was still thinking about all that weird stuff that happened yesterday..."
"Not sure any good can come of that. It don't make no sense."
"Well... your stagecoach thing. Maybe just fear of running into hunters out here... not really a stretch. I guess that's what my devil could be, too, cuz like... Infected are sort of like demons, right? Or sent by the devil? Something like that."
"So we... hallucinated our fears into reality?" It didn't make sense the same way that the possibility of him dreaming of Ellie snoring did. But if it comforted her to believe it... "What about the people? How do you explain the woman an' the little girl? Since we decided it wasn't 'cause of the weepy woman story..."
"I think maybe... those represent longing? Or something missing? For me, it's my mother... for you, Sarah."
Joel balked at that one, too. "She didn't look like Sarah."
"You said she had blond hair."
"But it was curly. And she was wearin' a dress -- Sarah wasn't really wearin' dresses anymore by that age. She was more of a tomboy. And her skin was never that pale. This girl's was paler than yours."
"Well... if she's a ghost, she'd have--"
"Hang on. Now you're goin' with the ghost thing?" Didn't we rule that out yesterday?
"Maybe? Why not? I mean... who says ghosts have to show themselves to more than one person at a time? Or that it only happens at night? Or whatever you wanna--"
"So you think that little girl was Sarah."
"No! Sarah wouldn't be here. She'd be in Texas, right?"
Joel liked to think she was in heaven. And he didn't want to keep talking about her now, so-- "And your mother would be somewhere back east. You couldn't even see her that well, from where we were at."
"Right right, it's not her. But... it's someone else's mother? And yours is someone else's kid? I dunno."
"She's definitely someone else's. One thing I didn't tell you last night..." Might as well tell her, now that the weirdness has passed.
"Oh! What's that?" she asked eagerly.
"I... don't ask me how, but I knew that her whole family had just been murdered. Right in front of her. I felt her... despair, an' whatnot. Her hopelessness... the shock, or disbelief..."
"What the fuck...? How..."
"I don' know. I just knew. I felt it. Which... I reckon is just more proof that she wasn't real, 'cause how in the hell would I know that?" Reading people was one thing, but... intuiting exact events that had just occurred? How is that possible?
"Huh. That's pretty fucked up. But it actually... could possibly tie into the only other thing I could think of, for yours... it's just not a theory you'll like."
In spite of his dislike of this topic in general, Joel was curious. "Try me."
"Okay... don't get mad."
That never bodes well. "Shit," he grumbled.
"So, I thought it was weird that I saw two things and you didn't see anything, and then you saw -- or heard, whatever -- two things when I was done with mine--"
"Sometimes shit is just random, you know," he felt the need to point out.
"I know. I still haven't figured out the significance of the two and two thing, unless it was just to keep things even until the warping thing fucked with both of us at once. But yours started after I realized I got my period, right? Not sure why the hunters or whoever would wait for that, but the girl... she was sad... crying... maybe she represents guilt." Ellie paused here, like she wanted his input.
"Guilt," he repeated dumbly. What the hell is she getting at? I've never talked to her about the way Sarah died. Maybe Tommy or Maria did? He certainly didn't want to revisit that now. Also-- "What does that have to do with your period?"
"I'm getting to that. You were sooooo happy, remember? You always seem kind of happy when I get it, but this time, you were like... thrilled. I think you were worried I was pregnant. The motion sickness... and throwing up at the base... you thought it was like morning sickness -- cuz we know it doesn't only happen in the morning -- Maria got sick at other times. And you kept asking me how I was feeling."
Damn... didn't think she picked up on all that. "Didn't I just ask you a minute ago? And we know you ain't pregnant."
"I knew it before! I could've told you I wasn't!"
"You couldn't possibly--"
"You don't even come inside me -- how could I be pregnant?"
"We've had... close calls. Times where I was uncertain if..."
"What, so if you get some on me down there... your little spermies can swim from allllllll the way on the outside--"
"Accidents happen. We dodged a bullet here... I need to be more careful, is all."
"A bullet? That's..."
"It's an expression."
"I know, just... it's mean."
"Uh... okay... mean to who?"
She elbowed him lightly. "The baby, of course!"
"The baby that don't even exist? How can it--"
"Whatever! Anyways, you know how we could dodge the bullets easier? If you just let me suck you off instead of--"
"Ellie, what's this got to do with feelin' guilty? 'Cause I sure as hell don't feel guilty about you not bein' pregnant. I'd feel guilty if you were." Guilty... ashamed... HORRIFIED...
"It's like subconscious guilt," she explained. "Like... you're wishing away our unborn child or something. The girl... crying over her lost family... I mean, it makes sense, right?"
...Where in the HELL does she come up with this shit? "That's ridiculous. That girl didn't look like either one of us -- and she had a real live family that got killed. Ain't like she's... a metaphor or somethin'. I like your ghost theory better."
"I knew you would. But Joel... what if I was pregnant? What would you do?" She craned her neck around to look at him. To judge his reaction better, no doubt.
"It don't matter, 'cause you ain't."
"Hypothetically, then."
"Hypothetically... we'd deal with it." Vague and simple.
"How would we deal with it?" she pressed.
"I don' know -- that ain't somethin' I like to think about. You're way too young for that." He rolled away from her to lay on his back, fingers laced together behind his head, choosing to stare up at the paneled ceiling instead of her pretty (but expectant) face.
She rolled over, too -- all the way to her other side, propping herself up on her forearm so she could still see him. "If I'm old enough to have sex, then I'm--"
"You're not old enough. That's the thing. But... since we are havin' it..." He glanced at her. "You're right to be... concerned. It's... real responsible of you. And it's somethin' we should've talked about already." Add another layer of shame on my soul... makes no difference at this point...
"I'm not ~concerned~. I know you don't wanna be a dad again, right now... and I don't wanna be a mom. At least not yet. It's a 'what if' thing. That's all. I like to think that... if it happened... you wouldn't be the sort of guy who bails. I mean... you didn't, before. You got married and everything."
"You're right. I wouldn't make you go through that on your own. I thought you knew that." Shit -- I can barely let her out of my sight! Let alone LEAVE her.
"I do. You just never actually said it, so... What would you do, then? Take me to Idaho and make me get an abortion?"
Jackson didn't have the means to perform abortions safely, but Ellie was assuming that the medical center in Idaho did (and the town had recently started trading with them). They performed surgeries and shit there, after all. With anesthesia and everything. Joel sighed. "Ellie, this really ain't the time or place to--"
"It's a yes or no question!"
"No it ain't. I told you, I wouldn't leave you. That's all you need to know. We'd discuss all that if it happened." But I sure as hell am gonna make sure that it don't.
To his surprise, her eyes filled with tears. "Just so you know -- I don't think I could do that, Joel. Maybe... if it was either do it, or you leave, I would, but even then..."
Must be period hormones... "Ellie, you're gettin' all upset about somethin' that ain't even gonna happen." He reached for her...
...and she tucked herself into the crook of his arm. Laid her head on his chest and sniffled. "I know. I'm being silly, huh."
He squeezed her. "Jus' so you know, I wouldn't... make you do that, as you say." Joel didn't know if he could live with that himself. Again, it wasn't something he cared to think about. But there was no way he would ever force her to do something like that. He didn't even know how safe it would be at that place... he'd never checked it out himself... and what if it was safe enough as far as not killing her, but the procedure was botched somehow and she could never have kids afterward? Aside from all that... does she really think I would be such an asshole that I'd tell her to do it or I'll leave her?! "There'd be no ultimatum, or... nothin' like that. All right? We'd talk about our options an' decide together."
"I wouldn't want to get an abortion," she said firmly. "Not when the baby's yours, anyway. -Which it would be, of course! If I have any say in the matter, I mean."
A reminder that there were indeed worse things than Ellie getting pregnant with his baby. Christ, this conversation needs to end already-- "Okay then. Can we please get back to the here an' now? We really should get a move on." Always a good conversation ender on the road. And they had slept in a little later than usual.
"Just one more thing -- have you heard of pills you can take the morning after sex that... make you not get pregnant? If you're a girl. Obviously."
He had, but was surprised that she had. "Those ain't a hundred percent effective. How do you know about those? Didn' know we had any in Jackson."
"Parker told me. I could've got some from Shelby, if I... you know. Cooperated. Then you could finish inside me and I'd just pop this pill--"
"Did you not hear me say that they ain't a hundred percent effective? Nothin' is. And takin' those casually... there could be long term side effects that--"
"There's not. Women at Golden Sands take them all the time. That's why there's no babies."
Joel sighed again. "There's no babies 'cause most of 'em are at an age where it's harder to have kids... or they're past it."
"Not all of them! Lupe... Sylvia... Nina..."
"Nina's young enough. The other two are... borderline at best. Middle-aged is too old to be havin' kids... the body knows it. Female ones, at least. Males should know it, but they--"
"But it's not too old! That's bullshit!"
"It's true. And just 'cause there's no effects they know about... that don't mean they don't exist." He knew next to nothing about the pills, really... but now he wondered if he ought to concoct some story -- like a cautionary tale -- just to get the idea out of Ellie's head, because he didn't want her seeing it as some kind of miracle birth control method that they should start employing if given the opportunity. Hell, I don't have to make something up-- "Besides, say Jackson starts gettin' drugs from Idaho -- I'm thinkin' it would be more the regular kind anyhow, like aspirin... blood pressure pills... -- but let's say they do. How would you or I get our hands on 'em without arousin' suspicion?" Assuming he and Ellie would revert to hiding their relationship. ...Oh shit -- I really don't want to get into THAT topic right now, either...
Thankfully, Ellie didn't go there. "We could steal them somehow, I guess? Not like the storehouse has armed guards hanging around the-- oh! We wouldn't have to steal. I could get Max to swipe some for me! Since his parents run it and they let him go wherever he wants in there!"
Max? HELL no. "Oh sure. He wouldn't find that suspicious at all. He wouldn't think I put you up to it."
"I could pretend it's for me and someone else, silly! Cuz... yeah, he's not cool with the idea of us." She snickered. "I can't believe he asked me if you come into my room at night. Like that would be a bad thing."
"I can believe it. You were drunk off your ass, talkin' too loud. In his earshot."
"Whatever. The whole town knows I have a ~crush~ on you now anyway."
That had definitely come in handy in terms of hiding shit, because Ellie... did not have the world's best poker face, to say the least. "Which is precisely why it would look strange for you to need those for someone else. He'd never buy it."
"Well... maybe I got over you during the winter?" She grinned up at him.
"If only that were true."
"What?! Joel!" She thumped his chest.
It was unfortunate for her that Joel was still so amused by her outrage -- and amused at how easy it was to provoke her. She's too goddamn cute! "If only it were true for your sake. Lucky for me, it didn't happen."
"And lucky for me! Fuck -- I would never get over you, Joel. Never. I just told you that, like... yesterday!"
He believed she meant that with all her heart. But he also believed -- had to believe -- that it wasn't actually true. "All right. Come on, now... we've dilly-dallied long enough." He patted her arm.
"Yeah yeah. I really should get up anyway and... you know. Dam up the Red River. Er, pull the plug and re-dam it!"
He kissed her temple before she slithered away from him. "You do that... I'll do a quick walk-around."
"Like... outside?" She grabbed his arm. "Don't go out there without me!"
Joel gestured to the sunshine streaming through the window. "Does that look like a tornado to you, Dorothy?"
"Ha. Um, I guess not. ...Toto!"
"What, so I'm the dog?"
"Who else would you be? You're always with me. And... you've got like the same hair color! Plus you're both cute!"
"The dog is cute. He's also so little that Dorothy can carry him in a basket." Joel started pulling on his boots.
"Okay, so that part doesn't fit... but come on. You don't need a brain, or a heart, or courage, cuz you've already got all those... and you're not a fucking Munchkin..."
"I'll take the dog, thank you."
"Yes! Oh -- Jackson must be the Emerald City, huh! ...Does that mean Tommy's the wizard?"
Joel snorted. "We can genderswap that role so it's Maria. Ultimately, she's the one in charge."
"Whatever -- they share it anyways. They can be the same person. Like me and you -- we're pretty much one person."
It bothered him that she had thoughts like that... if he said as much, though, she'd likely just call him a hypocrite. It was okay for him to view her as an extension of himself, a part that's vital for survival... but not the other way around. He'd never phrased it to her that way, of course, but... she knows. She's always known. He would just play it light-hearted here. "Uh, no we ain't -- we found the key to the handcuffs, remember?"
She sidled up to him while he was strapping on his shoulder holsters. "Speaking of those, maybe--"
"No."
"...You don't even know what I was gonna say!"
"I got the general idea." He wondered if she even realized the sidling always gave away her intentions.
"I wasn't talking about now. Fuck. I'm all gross anyway."
He didn't bother telling her she wasn't gross; it never did any good. "I've got an idea: let's save those for your birthday next week, yeah? Since I can't get you a real present."
"Okay! That's a great present! No -- it's a fan-fucking-tastic present!" She kissed his cheek. "We stop early that day. At the nicest house we see!"
"Whatever you want, baby girl." Maybe he couldn't buy her nice gifts, but at least this would give her something to look forward to on her birthday.
* * * * *
Sometimes, Joel couldn't help thinking it was nice to have Outside shit to distract him from unpleasant thoughts. A stray one or two might bubble to the surface, but those were easily dismissed. He needed to keep the thinking portion of his brain occupied with ensuring their safety. He sure as hell wasn't going to get caught with his proverbial pants down, his head in the clouds, by a patch of Infected or band of hunters. Or the soldiers, of course... have they given up on us yet? Surely they would've caught up to us by now. Anyway, the stress of constant vigilance could take a toll after a while... but today, Joel welcomed it. Shit -- he preferred it to ruminating over Ellie. Everything he'd done wrong. Every way he'd failed her. And, worse than those types of thoughts: what to do about her future. Those carefree days on the beach were over now. It had been a great extended vacation. Getting there hadn't been vacation-like, but living there at the resort all winter had been... well, like living in a resort. Not like the resorts of olden times, of course, but he reckoned it was as close as they could get, in this new world. It was the longest vacation of Joel's life.
The thing about vacations: they always have to end.
At some point on this trip back home, they would have to decide whether or not to be open about the true nature of their relationship. Joel was definitely leaning toward 'not,' and Ellie seemed to be on the fence. That wasn't even what was troubling Joel most, though. He just couldn't shake the feeling that he was depriving her of a normal adolescence, and that he was stealing valuable years of her life. He wanted her to have a family of her own. To get married and have kids. As for him having kids... Hell no. He was too old for that. Plus, worrying about Ellie was a full-time job; he didn't have the energy anymore to do two full-time jobs.
He would like to give her the security of marriage, though, someday. She was too young now, of course, and who could say where the next couple years would take her? ...But, in his heart, he truly felt like she wasn't going to outgrow him, as he'd feared she might in the early days. She would likely stick with him come hell or high water, as long as he lived. Until he was a decrepit old bastard, if need be. Until he couldn't even get it up -- while she was at her sexual peak, no less. She'd stay by his side without them being married, even. Because she thought all the 'put a ring on it' sentiments were relics from the lost world, now seen only in movies. Sure, they'd gone to Bryan and Trinity's wedding, and she'd had a blast, but she had also pointed out that getting married hadn't actually changed anything about the couple's relationship. It just gave them a piece of paper claiming they were married -- a piece of paper that didn't even mean anything outside of Jackson. He would assume that was the consensus among her generation. Still... I think she'd feel better about me -- about US -- if we made a permanent commitment. If she's gonna stick with me anyway, we might as well get married when she's eighteen... if I'm a selfish bastard either way...
...And didn't that kind of thinking prove that he was the one who craved the security of marriage? Not Ellie. Joel didn't much care if he was a selfish bastard... except when it came to doing right by her. Sometimes, reconciling the two was a challenge.
Almost as bad as dwelling on this shit was remembering the freak occurrences of yesterday (which, thankfully, hadn't bled into today). He suspected Ellie was thinking about it. Probably patting herself on the back for that horseshit about guilt that she'd cooked up. She had a daydreamy look about her at times... only she didn't seem happy. He suspected she'd been hoping he would tell her he wanted to have ten babies with her, or something along those lines. Even if she wasn't ready yet. She would be ready someday... and Joel was taking that away from her, too. That was a huge one: condemning Ellie to never being a mother, with a heart as big as hers. Depriving the world of-- well, I've already proven I don't much care about the goddamn WORLD. It's HER... all that love inside her, wasted... on the likes of YOU, asshole.
He quashed the stray thoughts moments after they occurred, irritated with himself for having them. It's the goddamn jeep. And going so slow, just sitting here, physically not doing jack shit... it lulled him a bit. He had to fight that. And he had to help Ellie fight it, too; she'd thanked him many a time for pulling her out of her own head, as she put it. So he kept asking her to check the map, or to check out this or that landmark-type thing with her binoculars. They took meal or snack breaks -- which weren't even needed, as they could eat everything but dinner in the jeep -- and potty breaks. Sometimes even just stretch-your-legs breaks. Joel was only half joking when he told her he'd need to resume a morning workout routine just to stay in shape, since this trip was so non-strenuous. He'd always prided himself on being fit, even before that became a measure of survival. Now... there was that, of course, but he also wanted to do it for Ellie. He couldn't do much about the wrinkles and the gray hair. Fitness, however... that was much more in his control. He was still relatively strong... he knew age would sap that from him, little by little, if some traumatic injury didn't sideline him first, but he would do everything in his power to hold onto it for as long as possible. ...I will put a pistol in my mouth before it comes down to her wiping my ass, I swear to God. If he was physically incapable of killing himself, he'd persuade Tommy to do it for him.
That feeling of inexplicable unease that had plagued him for so long yesterday had vanished overnight, and he wasn't quite perturbed enough at the unbidden troubling thoughts as to wish that back. But that afternoon, when the hairs on the back of his neck did start prickling again...
"Shit," he muttered.
"Hmm?" Ellie replied absently.
"You pickin' up a bad vibe in the air, or is it just me?"
Ellie pondered this. "Um... just you, I guess? Anywhere in particular you want me to look?" She had the binoculars in front of her eyeballs already.
"No... I think we should get off at the next exit, though."
"I thought you said if there are people, they'd be more likely to be there."
He had said that, yes. More likely to congregate by buildings than out in the middle of nowhere, at least. They'd been through mostly desert today, and it had probably been an hour or two since they'd last seen any remnants of civilization. It had made him wary to see the cluster of trees, the dark green looking so out of place amongst all the beige... the sign indicating a road crossing the highway near them... "There's prob'ly no one. We're still out in the boonies right now. We need to get there... faster than we're goin'. You wanna ride the horse while I drive? Or I'll try drivin' faster while you tug him along -- since it's a straight shot 'til the turn-off--"
"No, I'll ride him... but Joel... if you don't see anything... or hear anything... the times we've stopped to go hide cuz you thought you heard the soldiers, nothing happened. Right?" She looked at him questioningly.
Joel wasn't convinced that just because nothing happened meant he'd been in the wrong; the whole point was to get far enough away to avoid them completely. It was much harder to hide a jeep, a horse, and two humans than it was to hide just two humans, after all -- they'd gone out of sight, out of earshot... but he understood her skepticism. The whole 'crying wolf' thing. "This is different. It's a feelin'. Feels like we've been out in the open too long, and..."
"And what?"
"...Like the sky's gonna fall on us."
"Um... okay?"
"I know it sounds crazy." Because a feeling of the sky is falling generally indicated hysterical bullshit...
"I trust you. If it's the sky... maybe you're worried about a helicopter? Even though they haven't sent any after us... so far..."
As soon as she said it, Joel knew she was right. He'd been listening for them all along, of course, and yet his gut hadn't made the connection until it was verbalized, for some reason. "I bet you're right. I can't believe I didn't think of that."
She seemed pleased to have thought of something that he hadn't. "I'm just like... finishing your thoughts for you again." Yes, she did that sometimes.
"Might just be paranoia, but..."
"Better to be safe than sorry. That's what I always say!" she grinned.
Tch. Right. Joel wished that was her philosophy. "Go on, then. Follow me to the trees -- or pass me if you want to, just don't cut in front, go off to the--"
"I got this." She hopped out before Joel had even brought the car to a full stop. And she brought Fox around to the driver's side without being prompted (he felt it was easier to keep an eye on her that way).
Joel gunned it up to fifth gear and they reached the trees quickly. Ellie stayed behind him, more or less in the spot he'd wanted her yesterday before he'd changed his mind about her riding. The area resembled a rest stop, with perhaps a couple extra buildings, and an oddly-shaped empty parking lot that brought to mind some sort of driver's ed course. Too bad we already did that... The buildings were unmarked and clearly abandoned. Of course, that didn't necessarily mean he trusted that no one was lurking in the area, but he wasn't concerned with that at the moment.
He drove off the road, through the grass, to the densest group of trees. Nice, bushy camphor trees that provided mushroom-cloud type shade. He parked the jeep right smack in the middle, where it was shadiest.
Ellie pulled up as he was getting out of the jeep. "There's grass here!" she exclaimed. "We've barely seen grass all day! See, we needed to stop here anyway, just so Fox can eat."
Joel didn't think the patchy grass looked all that satisfying, but it was more than they had seen near the highway lately. Fifty feet out, it was all desert again. California's just... weird. "He needs to stay out of sight, though, just like us. Hitch him to the jeep."
"Okay. I'll take a nature break, while we're here. A river nature break, that is," she added with a little groan.
He leaned against one of the trees. Scanned the buildings on the other side of the street while she fetched her... Red River paraphernalia. Still nothing. He knew there was no one there, but he wouldn't be satisfied until he knew with his eyeballs instead of just his gut. "Where you goin'?" he asked her when he saw her heading that way.
"I wasn't gonna do it with you right here. I love you and all, but--"
"Just go down to the end here, then... not all the way over there. Stay under this group of trees where I can see you. -I won't watch," he added, chuckling at the expression on her face (Ellie had already made it very clear that no matter how long they were together, she would not be cool with certain bathroom activities done in close proximity).
"If you're not watching, then why should I stay where you can see me?!" she protested.
"I mean stay on this side of the street, in the shade. You can go behind the farthest tree if you want. As long as I know you're there."
She smirked at him. "Should I yell back to you every five seconds so you know I'm okay?"
"That won't be necessary. Smartass."
Truth be told, he wouldn't have minded that one bit. Especially since, halfway there, Ellie did call back to him, saying not to worry because she'd make sure to scream her head off if there was someone behind the tree waiting to grab her. Now why does she have to mess with me like that?
...Same reason I like to mess with her, I reckon. Fair is fair.
It took a lot of will power not to trot on over there and check. He knew there was no one behind the goddamn tree. Gut-knew, not eyeballs-knew, but still. He no longer felt like the sky was about to fall, either. That sense of dread, or impending doom... it had died down to the normal level of Outside cautiousness. It's pretty stupid to travel in an open area like this in broad daylight, he started chastising himself. The forest-y, winding mountain roads are one thing, but just straight-up desert... we'd be spotted so much easier from above. We'd stand out like... little ants crawling over a white picnic tablecloth... one with no food and shit on it. Nothing to hide behind or blend into.
He could pull off to the side and pretend to be just another dead car in a ditch. The bright white paint was still caked with dried mud, so there was nothing to draw the aerial eye. With the top up, the soldiers wouldn't be able to see there were human beings inside. One problem with that: Fox was a horse, not a dog you could teach to play dead.
A faint whirring noise to the west perked up his ears. So it WASN'T just paranoia... shit! All right... we're safe here... no one can see us.
Ellie came running back over. "Do you hear that? Duh -- of course you do -- so what do we do?!"
"Nothin'. We wait."
She tossed the toilet paper roll carelessly into the jeep and joined him at the tree. "How can we do nothing?!" she shrieked. "It's getting louder!"
He put his arm around her. "First of all, we don't even know if they're lookin' for us."
"Of course they're looking for us!"
"...Strange as it may seem, the world don't actually revolve around you'n'me. Maybe they've got other shit goin' on."
She gave him a Look. "Joel. You don't really believe that, do you?"
He chuckled. "I s'pose not. But it's possible. Anyhow, they can't see us overhead. Look up -- you see how solid those branches'n'leaves are? Can't even see an inch of sky. We can't see through, they can't see through."
"But what if... maybe they have some kind of X-ray vision that lets them see through! That's a thing, right?"
"You've been readin' too much Savage Starlight, kiddo. This is the best place for us to be." Actually, it could be the second best; if the bastards sent in ground troops, it would be easier to stealth-attack with walls between them. But the buildings were so small it might not make much difference. If there's a fair amount of them, our best bet would be to ride like hell out of here... Ellie on the horse, me in the jeep... we could lose the helicopter if we make it to the mountains and go off the road... hell, we'd probably just have to ditch the jeep, too, both of us riding the horse-- maybe that's all they would care about, getting their jeep back--
"It would be so easy for them to land that thing here," Ellie lamented.
"They ain't gonna land," he assured her, despite the thoughts he'd just been having. "They don' know we're here. They have no reason to suspect we're here. This ain't the way most folks would go."
"They don't know where we're going, though," she pointed out. "Unless... someone told them? Do you think someone would?"
"Don' know. But so what if they did? This ain't the most direct route home." ...Of course, with as much ground as that bird can cover, who's to say they haven't checked all other routes already?
"Do you think they saw the smoke from the fire and followed the road this way?"
It was certainly possible. "I don' know, Ellie... but if they did, they can see now that we didn't come this way."
"Uh... except we did..."
"They won't think so, since they haven't found us. Hell, they got no way of tyin' the fire to us... no evidence we were there. They could chalk it up to somethin' random."
Ellie snorted. "And the Infected just happened to kill themselves there?"
"Sure. Maybe the tree caught fire somehow an' fell on 'em." Stranger things had probably happened. "Maybe this helicopter was puttin' out the fire an' now it's goin' back to wherever it came from."
"They do that?"
"It makes more sense than sendin' fire trucks from... hours away, or wherever they're at. Keepin' 'em fueled... staffed... seems unlikely. Far as I know, those ain't bein' used anymore." Of course, they hadn't thought helicopters were being used, either... but the choppers still made more sense to him than the trucks. And it certainly didn't seem like the wildfires were going unchecked. Do they do fire patrols? Except it ain't even fire season yet...
Ellie wasn't convinced. "Oh -- what if they went to Jackson and warned Tommy that we were coming and like... told him to send word if we showed up?" she fretted.
"Even if they did, Tommy wouldn't do that. If it was just me, maybe, but he loves you too much."
She leaned into him, shoving him playfully. "Shut up. He loves you, too, and you know it."
"Besides, that thing's comin' from behind us, not in front of us."
"It sounds really close now... what if they fly low enough to the ground they can see us?"
"They won't. In fact, I don't think they're goin' directly overhead." It sounded like they were heading more north than east.
"I wanna see it! Can I just--"
"No."
"With the binoculars, if I--"
"No." He instinctively tightened his grip around her shoulders, even though she made no move to run off.
"I could see if Caleb's with them! He prob'ly made it back to the base by now, right? If he didn't break his back, I mean."
"Findin' out if he's in there ain't important enough to risk bein' seen." The chances of them spotting her were slim, especially if they were heading in another direction, but Joel didn't care. "You can stand... right over there... still under the trees... and maybe you can see it when they get a little farther away."
"They're going away? ...Hey, yeah, it doesn't sound like they're getting closer anymore..."
"See? They ain't even followin' this here highway."
She didn't even go to the spot he'd indicated to get a better look at the helicopter, seemingly content to stay glued to his side. "How did you know they were coming? Did you hear them way back there? -No, you said you didn't... Obviously they didn't see us on the road..."
"I just... had a feelin'."
"Yeah... like the sky was gonna fall on us."
"Somethin' like that." It sounded utterly ridiculous when she said it, of course.
"Well, I didn't. I didn't feel a thing. Good thing I have you with me!"
He chuckled. "You keep sayin' that. Things like... you're glad you ain't alone, or--"
"Well, I am!"
"Where the hell else would I be?"
"I don't know! Back on the beach relaxing?! It's always my fault you're out here risking your ass."
He kissed the top of her head. "Nowhere else I'd rather be. And last time wasn't your fault. It was Sophie's. Or Alex's, if you wanna take it back a step further. ...Or Nina's, from a--"
"That was still my choice. You left it up to me, remember?"
"I wanted to go, though. You went along with what I wanted."
"You were okay with not going, too. Unless that was a lie."
And there was a time he wished like hell that they'd never left. Those two goddamn days that felt like weeks... yet here we are, Outside again. "It wasn't a lie. I didn't like the idea of... puttin' you at risk."
"But we did a good job. We were good bodyguards."
Losing one of the horses and Ellie getting injured -- twice -- didn't qualify as 'good' in Joel's book... but if SHE'S proud of it... "We did get Sophie there in one piece." He could acknowledge that much, at least.
Ellie chuckled. "Remember how it felt like she was the kid and we were the parents? Except of course it didn't look like-- oh my God, Joel!"
"Hm?"
"Ron!"
"...Who?"
"We're not gonna see him this time, going a different way!"
"What the hell are you talkin' about?"
"Don't you remember? You liked him. The old guy who nearly blew our heads off for trespassing? He thought I was your daughter. Yours and Sophie's."
"Oh. Him. Sure, I remember." Joel had liked that old bastard.
"Maybe he hasn't even seen a single living person since we came through there!"
Or maybe he didn't survive the winter... but the guy had been living alone for many years; he had obviously figured out how to survive plenty of them before this one. That would've been me, if it weren't for Ellie... Joel was convinced of that. He would've eventually gotten into some kind of trouble in the QZ to get his ass kicked out -- they'd discover his underground dealings or some shit -- and then he'd figure "screw it" and just go be a hermit somewhere. "He likes it that way, Ellie."
"But -- when I told him about Jackson, didn't he seem kind of interested? What if he's been waiting and waiting all winter long for us to come back and take him home with us?"
Guess I won't tell her that we WILL still go through that area... he didn't want her getting excited about something that was unlikely to happen. Joel didn't remember exactly where that place was; it hadn't been landmark-y enough. Just some random little farm among hundreds along the way. "I don't remember him bein' all that interested. He'll prob'ly just assume we're dead."
"Joel!" She shoved him again. "Don't say that!"
He chuckled. "What? He won't give a shit." Again, he was surprised to see tears in her eyes.
"I can't stand him thinking that! We should go pick him up."
That one elicited a real laugh. "Are you serious?"
"Yeah! We could make room for him in the jeep -- I could sit in the back. Or just ride Fox! Or he could ride. Remember his horse got stolen--"
"Ellie, we ain't doin' that." He pulled her in for a real hug and gave her a good squeeze. "I do love you, though. Hormones and all."
"It's not hormones!"
"You don't normally cry over--"
"I'm not crying!"
He pulled back and cupped her face in his hands. "No, I s'pose you're not." He brushed his lips over hers. "You're just too damn sweet, Dorothy."
She gave him a teensy smile. "Am not, Toto."
She likes to say she ain't sweet... but she also seems to love it when I tell her that she IS. "You are. Listen... ...no more helicopter."
"Cool. We ditched them! With our.. awesome maneuvering skills and everything... standing still..."
"Very crafty of us, yes."
She kissed him sweetly. "Thank you."
He chuckled. "Knock off the 'thank you's already, will you?"
"Never! Just say 'you're welcome' -- jeez. -Oh, hey -- I just thought of something!"
"What's that?"
"The helicopter is the Wicked Witch of the West! Get it? Cuz it's bad and it flies and it came from--"
"--the west. Yes. Clever."
She hugged him fiercely. "Don't worry, Toto, I won't let her take you from me!"
He hugged her back, then pulled back enough to kiss her cute little button nose. "Don't you worry -- I'll bite her if she even tries."
She giggled. "We're so silly. So can we hang out here a little bit, or you wanna get back on the road?"
Joel was hesitant to get right back out there; just because the 'witch' had flown the other way didn't mean she couldn't circle back around toward them. "I was thinkin'... we should hang out here a lot. Until the sun starts settin', if not longer."
"What?!"
"The Wicked Witch didn't just disappear into thin air," he pointed out. "I'll check the map again, but I think it's gonna be another day or so before we get to the next mountain range. Maybe we should travel more at night, 'til then."
"But you hate traveling at night!" she cried, wide-eyed and scandalized.
"I do. But you know what I hate more?"
She didn't have to ponder that one: "Being spotted by a fucking army helicopter."
"Got it in one."
"Except you never have been, so how do you know you hate it more?" she teased.
"It's what they call an educated guess," he replied dryly.
"Ugh... what if the helicopter is still looking for us at night?"
It could be... but Joel's understanding was that it would be difficult for the pilots to see without light coming from the ground -- like from a city, back in the old days. With any luck, the few clouds dotting the sky now would thicken a bit this evening, making it even harder. "I don't think they would. Real hard to see shit at night. Hard to navigate. But we'll still listen for it. We could always cut the lights if we had to." Not that he'd even hear it in time, with the jeep running... "Maybe take off on the horse if it feels like they spotted us... but I don't think they'll come back this way -- not at night. They wouldn't wanna be headin' toward a mountain range when they can't see good, an' they might just assume we're sleepin' somewhere, out of sight, God knows where."
"Okay, well, speaking of sleeping: if we're driving all night, we take turns sleeping -- you have to let me drive while you sleep."
"How 'bout we see if we can take a little nap here... an' then we'll see about the drivin'."
"I'm a good driver! I wasn't even the one driving when that time warp shit happened. You said I was doing fine!"
"You are. So we'll see. ...And the loop thing was my fault, was it?"
"No! I was just saying!" she laughed. "Oh man... I should know better than to suggest that. Like you need something else to be your fault."
"No, that one definitely falls under 'shit happens.' " Maybe something he'd done had somehow triggered it, but they would never know. It certainly wasn't something he could've foreseen and prevented.
Joel knew it was important to Ellie to prove her... capabilities, and whatnot... even if he felt like she had nothing to prove. Not to him, at least. To herself, maybe? ...Maybe I can't answer that one... It would be a good test of his faith in her, to do something as (seemingly) simple as nod off while she was behind the wheel. If he truly believed she didn't need to prove herself, then...
But what if that turns out to be the difference between life and death?
Not worth it. Nothing was worth that. And being as cautious as possible wasn't a knock on her... it was just smart. BUT--
All things considered, Joel hadn't been doing such a bang-up job of keeping her safe himself, going back to their first trip. Who was he to say that Ellie couldn't do it better? He should be glad if she could. You do WANT her to get to a point where she don't need you for ANY of this, he reminded himself. For this... or for anything at all...
And yet the idea of that -- of actually achieving that ultimate goal -- gnawed at his gut in a different way. It was somehow more terrifying to Joel than the sky falling.
~Continue to Chapter 18~
