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lumy12Title: "Singularity" Chapter 24: "Come Join the Murder" [24/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,650
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
Author's Notes: Chapter title from the song by The White Buffalo & The Forest Rangers
~
Joel never did sleep that well when Ellie wasn't beside him. Knowing that she wouldn't be there tonight made him not want to even attempt to get some shut-eye until he was drop-dead tired.
He didn't sleep well Outside in general... although this trip was proving to be a little different in that he was sleeping decently, most of the time. Ellie claimed it was the sex. When Joel pointed out that they didn't have sex every night, she speculated that the post-orgasmic relaxation effects could last multiple nights. (...He very much doubted there was any science behind this speculation.) Joel thought it was more likely due to the isolation of literally taking the road less traveled, not encountering anyone for a couple of weeks as they made their way through the mountains. Except for the curls, Karma sure does look like that little girl in the dress on Pacheco... or is that my memory playing tricks on me? Memory could do that. He'd only seen her for a few moments, from a distance, over three weeks ago; he couldn't possibly remember her well enough to pick her out of a lineup, but maybe his brain wanted to connect the two for some reason. To try to make sense out of shit that just... wasn't going to make sense any way you slice it. And yet my first instinct had been to decide the two little girls were NOT the same? Other than their age -- and that had been wrong, actually, as Karma had turned out to be older than that ghost girl had seemed to be.
Paul and Karma were in the habit of going to sleep not long after dark -- just like Joel and Ellie usually did on the road, since keeping the sun's schedule was the practical option. Tonight, however, they hadn't even made a fire until after sundown... then cooking and eating dinner had taken a while... and since no one was in a hurry to leave, they just kept adding brittle old tree branches to the fire pit. The conversation had flowed easily, once they got the bare bones version of Paul's why-we-left-Jackson story out of the way. Granted, the girls did most of the talking, but Joel felt oddly at ease in the company of these two strangers, and he sensed that the other man did as well.
Presently, Joel stoked the fire in the steel nearly-smokeless fire pit that resembled a trash can (making a mental note to pick up something similar in Jackson -- the Ghost Town area would probably have some) while Paul went to check on the girls. Karma had this little plush rainbow night light in her bed that ran on batteries, and Paul would go switch it off after she fell asleep. It had LED lights, so the batteries would last a good long while, but batteries weren't that easy to come by and thus, had to be used conservatively when possible. He claimed it was the best thing they'd found in the past two years, since Karma was afraid of the dark (oh how her eyes had lit up when Ellie told her she was afraid of the dark, too!). When Karma had begged her dad to let Ellie to sleep in her room... well, Joel could've said no and made up some excuse, but when Ellie joined in the begging, he could tell she really wanted to indulge the little girl.
He and Ellie were certainly playing up the whole father/daughter thing; she kept cheekily asking him for 'permission' to do this or that, as if she had to -- as if she didn't normally just do whatever the hell she wanted. Joel was just glad she wasn't making a fuss about lying to them. Not LYING, exactly... Karma had asked Ellie pretty early on why she didn't call Joel 'Dad,' which Ellie happily explained (the sanitized, non-Firefly version, of course)... although she did omit little details, such as "and we also have sex." Not only was Ellie okay with the non-disclosure, but -- to Joel's surprise -- she wasn't even trying to sneak little romantic moments with him, either. Not after he shot down her 'nature break' suggestion, anyway.
When the two girls had gone to bed (Ellie had started out on the floor, but Karma had easily persuaded her to join her in the bed), Karma had called out for her dad, saying that just because Ellie was there didn't mean he didn't have to tuck her in. Then Ellie had called for Joel to come in and do the same:
"Jooooeeeellllllll! Joel, where'd you go? ....Joooeellll!"
"What? I'm right out here."
"Come and tuck me in!"
"...You look pretty well tucked already."
"I'm not! Paul only tucked Karma in -- YOU have to tuck ME in! Right, Kar?"
"Yeah! Ellie said you never do. How come?"
"She said that, did she?"
"It's true, Joel! I think it's cuz you don't know how. Karma can tell you what to do."
"... ...Good night, baby girl."
"Nooooo! You can't tuck Ellie in from the doorway -- you have to come over here and sit on the bed next to her!"
"All right, fine... ... ...I'm sittin'. Now what? I repeat myself? Good n--"
"No -- first you have to pull the blankets up."
"They're already--"
"Then just pretend!" the little girl had insisted, giggling.
She'd giggled even more when Joel had yanked the blankets up over both girls' heads.
"Nooooooo I said PRETEND--"
"Oh -- right -- sorry. See, I ain't good at this... THERE you go..."
"It's okay -- my dad wasn't either. I had to teach him stuff like that." 'Stuff like that' being things that her mother had always been the one to do, before. "Then you tell her good night, and tell her you love her, and kiss her on the forehead. And you can say 'sweet dreams' if you want, but you don't have to."
"That's a lot to remember. Any particular order, or..."
"Ummmmmmmmmmm -- I guess it doesn't really matter? The kiss is the most important thing so maybe do that last."
Ellie had behaved herself. Joel figured she would, in that context, but when he'd leaned in and she reached for him, he wasn't sure for a moment...
She had just hugged him and kissed his cheek. Told him she loved him too, and wished him sweet dreams. Then Karma had told him he did a good job. The whole thing was just cute as hell.
That's how it SHOULD be... Ellie was a little old to be tucked in, sure, but their relationship should have remained... innocent. Pure. Uncomplicated.
Paul returned to his camping chair, which was parked a few feet away from Joel's. Joel's chair was actually Karma's, but Karma had graciously sat in her dad's lap to allow Joel to sit in it (and Ellie had dragged a plastic patio chair over from somewhere, intuiting that the lap thing would've been awkward in their case). "They're both still awake," Paul announced. "I think I've heard more giggling today than I've heard all year."
Joel wasn't surprised. Karma had seemed to be more of a tough customer than most kids, as far as releasing those giggles, but Ellie's happy disposition was infectious. "Ellie's real good with kids. I think bein' around little ones... sometimes it brings out the child in her." Unlike when she's with me, always trying to prove how much of an adult she is... truth is, she's somewhere in between.
...And her growing up too fast ain't ALL my fault.
Or so he liked to tell himself.
"I can count on one hand the number of kids we've seen since leaving Jackson," said Paul. "Actually, half of one hand. I do wish..." He just let that thought fizzle out, unfinished.
But Joel understood. "I know. That's one reason we're goin' back now." They hadn't gone into any details about Monterey. He and Ellie were both skilled in flipping conversations back to the other party. Joel got the feeling Paul was, too... but that he knew Joel didn't want to get into anything too personal. Knew it and respected it due to being the same way himself. Ellie had never exactly been an open book with other people... she'd learned to play certain things close to the vest, as far as sharing personal shit... but it seemed the longer she was with him, the more the book closed to the general public. Taking cues from me, maybe? Or just because there's a lot she can't talk about from the past two years? It was especially noticeable in comparison to Karma, who was honest and open and blunt as hell. Due to being a YOUNG CHILD. Life was already stripping that away from Ellie before I came along. ...Or maybe that was just something else he liked to tell himself.
"You want Ellie to be around other kids, huh?"
"Yeah. She... uh... well, it ain't good for her to see no one but me all the time."
Paul nodded. "I get that. That's why... man, if I could just get a do-over on that one day."
The day he'd had way too much to drink at the 4th of July party, got into it with someone who had pissed him off (he couldn't remember the guy's name now, and Ellie had given Joel one hell of a dirty look when he'd asked Paul if it was Max), assaulted Tommy when he intervened, snatched Tommy's gun -- then missed his target, shooting Maria's father instead. Which explained Maria's aversion to the party last year; it was a wonder they'd even had a celebration at all, 'annual tradition' or not. But then, she and Tommy both tended to put the interests of the townsfolk above their own, and a big event like that gave people something fun to look forward to; when that incident had occurred, the population was less than half of what it was now. The 'no carry law' instituted immediately afterward was perhaps a knee-jerk reaction, but it was intended to protect the citizens (and apparently, they'd had other issues with people misusing firearms).
On Joel and Ellie's second night in town, Tommy had mentioned being involved in one of the incidents, and Joel had to assume he was referring to this one. He'd meant to ask Tommy about it later and then completely forgotten about it. The way Paul told it, Tommy was little more than someone in the wrong place at the wrong time, but Joel remembered Tommy sounding distinctly guilty in what little he'd said. Maybe just because of the tragic outcome? His baby brother had failed to mention that. Eventually, Joel had learned how Maria's father had died, but only vaguely. Joel marveled that no one else in town had seen fit to mention it, even passive-aggressively, to him or Ellie on account of them bucking the no-carry rule. He could understand Maria not being able to talk about her father; he'd noticed her redirecting Ellie's friendly curiosity away from the subject a time or two and figured it was a sensitive subject. Still, she could have made an impassioned plea for them to comply, citing his senseless death as the main reason for it... had Tommy assured her that they wouldn't cause any trouble, and that was enough for her to let it slide?
Leave it to Ellie to cause trouble on day one. Yes, they had certainly given the town plenty to gossip about, even before the salacious rumors started.
As for Paul... That's just a rough deal, all the way around. "Playin' the what if game ain't gonna do you -- or her -- any good," Joel said. Because he was a goddamn hypocrite.
"I know it. I know you're right. Of course it won't. It's just hard not to, with everything that came after... my family suffering because of me... my stupid, stupid mistake... and no matter what I do now, it's not..." He sighed. "I know things can be shitty in the Zones, too, but at least she could go to school there. Be around kids her own age. You know?"
Apparently, they were on the waiting list for the QZ in Boise. But Joel knew how that went: why would the military take in more people, even if they did have a vacancy open up, when they could fudge the numbers and keep more provisions for themselves? Or, even if this one happened to be more ethical in that regard, it wasn't like they could get a message to Paul. The QZ wasn't a restaurant that handed out pagers and then buzzed you when your table was ready. It was first come, first served. With that in mind, clinging to the sliver of hope that remained, Paul checked in with Boise every few months or so. In fact, they were slowly working their way up there now, after wintering all the way down in Arizona. They were gone longer than he'd intended, but after some kind of hypothermia scare with Karma the previous winter, he felt it was safer to stay south a bit longer. Sometimes they'd settle for a while in one area -- if it was a nice one like this, by the Snake River -- but Paul felt like they had to keep moving. Keep looking for something better, because 'better' wasn't just going to come and bite him in the ass while he was sitting on it. It was out there... he just hadn't found it yet.
"You're doin' the best you can," Joel tried to reassure him, although the generic words sounded hollow even to his own ears. "You're keepin' her alive. That's the most important thing."
Paul snorted. "Yeahhhh... by leaving her alone out here for hours."
"Lesser of two evils," Joel voiced his earlier thought on the subject.
"It was easier when Lindsey was here, of course." His wife... whom Paul suspected had suffered a ruptured appendix, or some such affliction (Joel had insisted that Jackson's somewhat-primitive clinic wouldn't have been able to save her in time, but he didn't think the other man had bought it). They would never know her actual cause of death for sure.
Just like that 'Died of alcoholism' thing, Joel mused to himself. At least Lindsey's tombstone was better than most. Nowadays, some didn't include date of birth... date of death... even the name of the deceased. Some people -- he would venture it was most people, even -- never wound up in a grave at all, let alone one with any kind of marker. Nameless corpses were left out in the open to decay without dignity, and no one gave a damn. Even Ellie had become somewhat hardened to it.
"She's a tough kid, though," Paul continued. "Ellie is, too, from what I can tell."
"The toughest," Joel agreed. "And she'd be the first to tell you that school ain't all sunshine'n'rainbows, either."
"Maybe not... but it'd be nice if Karma could learn to read better. Not that there's much to read out here anyway... I dunno. She loved going to school in Jackson. Just learning her letters, back then. I try to get her to practice, but the interest... really isn't there anymore, on her end."
"I'm with her on that one -- I ain't much of a reader myself," Joel said lightly. Although he had made it all the way through the book Ellie had given him for his birthday. He'd even enjoyed it. That was another 'first thing' on her list for when they got home: find Joel more books by that author. "I leave that to Ellie."
Paul chuckled. "I think she became Karma's hero when she said she reads to the kids in the library. She used to love story time there. I wish--" He cut himself off with a frustrated little groan, then looked at Joel somberly. "I know it's crazy, but... do you think... ..."
Joel could see where this was going... and he didn't see it going far, but he could at least make the offer. "I can talk to Tommy. Maria's the tougher sell, of course--"
"No-- no, I don't mean... I know I'm not welcome. They made that perfectly clear. I don't blame 'em."
Based on what Paul had told him, Joel believed it was an accident. Gross negligence, perhaps, but not a deliberate act. Is it splitting hairs to decide where it falls between reckless and negligent... does it even matter? Maria's father was dead, and Paul was to blame, one way or another. Paul hadn't accidentally punched Tommy... and he had proceeded to fire that gun at another resident in a group of innocents -- he'd just missed, and hit a bystander. Drunk or not, there was just no excuse for that. And Paul wasn't trying to make excuses. Jackson was a small town; even if Maria was willing to take him back in -- not forgive him, but let him in -- she would have to lay eyes on him on a regular basis. I wouldn't be able to do it, if it was me... if it was MY family member he'd killed...
Hell. If it was him, Paul wouldn't still be drawing breath. Joel didn't bother arguing the man's... welcomeness. Didn't bother speculating if perhaps a year and a half was long enough of a sentence for manslaughter, given who the victim was. He just waited for Paul to find his words.
New intensity blazed in Paul's eyes (...or was that just the reflection of the fire?). "I don't expect forgiveness. But... it's not Karma's fault. If they could look past whose child she is... that's not too much to ask, is it?"
It wasn't a rhetorical question; Joel felt the desperation behind the plea and it pricked at his gut. Is he saying what I think he's saying? "Surely you ain't thinkin'..."
"That's exactly what I'm thinking. Been thinking it since I heard where you were going. She deserves better than this."
That is messed up as hell-- "No -- she deserves to be with a parent who loves her. And she is."
"She could have that in Jackson," Paul replied earnestly; clearly he'd anticipated that argument. "I'm not asking-- I mean, it doesn't have to be you. There's so many people there... families... someone would adopt her. I know they would! She's a great kid."
Now Joel understood why Paul had pumped them for current Jackson demographic information at dinner. Ellie had run through just about every household she could remember, spewing random facts and memories about each, asking Paul and Karma if they knew the people (...for the most part, they didn’t). It wasn't nostalgia that had made Paul so 'curious'... it wasn't that he missed any of the folks there... it was simple reconnaissance. Joel frowned. "It ain't the same as... she loves you. You're all she knows. All she has."
"And that's not a good thing. Like you said. But... you and Ellie. I see the... the bond you two have. You're actually proof that Karma can have another parent -- hopefully two. How old did you say Ellie was when you met her? Fourteen?"
Damnit-- "That's different. Ellie had no one." Because Marlene certainly didn't count for shit in Joel's book (especially once he'd learned that she never even bothered to introduce herself to Ellie until age thirteen, despite having known her since birth). "That's why she latched on to me so quick. If she'd already had... a decent parent, that she loved..."
Paul leaned forward... like he was really getting into this idea now. "It doesn't really matter, in the end -- it's the time you spend together that creates that bond. More than family... actual blood, I mean. -Put yourself in my shoes. Wouldn't you want the same thing for Ellie? To have a better life?"
Joel wished Ellie were out here now, because she could say the right things... things to make Paul see that this train of thought was all wrong. Because it IS wrong. ...Ain't it? Shit..."Ellie wouldn't want that. We stick together." ...Is that the best I can come up with? He'd said it before -- and it wasn't a bad thing -- but this time, it made him feel vaguely selfish. Maybe because this guy's willing to give up his daughter for her own good, whereas I--
"Maybe it would be different if she were younger," Paul mused, "but... but hey, what if the choice was between Ellie staying out here with you -- never finding a partner, never having kids -- or... getting to have those things someday, because she's not with you?"
Paul couldn't possibly have known what a nerve he'd struck, but Joel was done with the walking-in-his-shoes bit -- and done comparing the two scenarios. He certainly wasn't going to answer that 'what if.' He couldn't answer it honestly, and there was no point conjuring up some bullshit. "So... what, you think your daughter will understand when you send her off with us -- or, worse, make her think you're comin' too, then ditch her at the gate? It would rip her heart clean out of her chest."
"She'd get over it," Paul said dismissively, his face impassive. "She's already forgetting her mom. Like I said -- she's tough."
Joel leaned back in his seat. Crossed his arms over his chest. "No kid is that tough. You do this to her, it'll leave scars on her... for the rest of her life. ...Don't she have enough of those already?" he added gently.
Paul just stared at him... then dropped his head into his hands and sat there quietly for an uncomfortably long moment. Just when Joel began to fear that the other man was crying, Paul lifted his head... and slumped back in his seat, defeated. "You might be right. Might be. You might be wrong. But, shit -- I don't think I could do it anyway. Couldn't look at her, and... tell her that I... ...I just couldn't do it."
Joel relaxed a little, relieved that Paul had conceded the crazy idea so easily. As if that somehow excuses what I'm doing to Ellie.
Ultimately, it didn't matter what Paul did... all that matters is Ellie'n'me. After tomorrow, they would never see Paul and Karma again. But that didn't mean Joel liked the thought of a sweet little girl joining the ranks of the irreparably broken. The fucked-up-beyond-hope. -Joining the masses, basically. Maybe it's inevitable... but Joel wanted no part of it. If the girl was two or three, maybe it would work; if she was adopted right away, she'd soon have no memory of her former life. But eight is too old... it's old enough to get fucked up real good over it.
"I wouldn't be able to do it either," Joel commiserated with him. "I couldn't look Ellie in the eye and-- I'd have to skip the whole goodbye part. Leave her a damn note or somethin'." ...So long and thanks for all the fish... It might be cowardly, but Ellie was older than Karma: she wouldn't let him leave. She'd probably handcuff me to the bed, if she had to.
"And I wouldn't know if Karma could even read it, if I did that. Hard to imagine writing such a... God, what an awful thing."
Yeah... Joel reckoned he would probably end up skipping the note part as well. Whatever he said wouldn't make one bit of difference to Ellie anyway, in that situation. Professions of love would ring hollow as hell.
"I'm sorry, Joel. I shouldn't've... laid that on you, like that."
"S'alright."
"It's not, though. Not just-- I mean, even if I could do it -- even if you agreed to do it -- I've known you for a whopping... what, four whole hours? And I'd just send my child off with you? Psh. Crazy."
Joel chuckled; he hadn't even thought of it that way. "That's the world we live in." He liked to mentally criticize Marlene for doing that with Ellie, not even an hour after meeting him... but ultimately, it had been the right choice -- and she'd had Tommy's word to go on, at least. It wasn't like you could check a person's references, look them up in some database to see if they were a felon and whatnot. No, unless you had the luxury of ample time to spend with a person to get to know them first, 'go with your gut' kind of had to be the M.O. And if Paul could get a look at MY post-pandemic resume... welllllll...
Then again, thieving and killing were valuable skills nowadays. At least as important, if not more so, than basic survival skills -- which could only be as good as the provisions on hand, after all. The sex offender part would get him, though. No one would ever send their daughter anywhere with Joel after discovering that particular little tidbit.
"Forget I mentioned it," Paul was saying. "It was... out of line. I won't bring it up again. You know... you're welcome to stay longer, if you'd like. Karma would love to spend more time with Ellie."
Joel certainly wouldn't mind prolonging this journey another day or two; the closer they got to Jackson, the more he dreaded the end of it. "Thank you. I'll run it by the boss tomorrow."
Paul smiled. "She calls the shots, huh?"
"Sometimes. Depends on the nature of the shot."
"Of course. But... I see the way you look at her..."
Joel bristled. What the hell does he mean by that? -Don't give him any ammunition... if he feels inclined to speak his mind, he'll just--
"Hard to believe you're not actually her father. Never would've guessed it."
...Oh. All right then. "Ellie'n'me... we've been through a lot together. She's family. Always will be." Although technically, that don't apply with the 'girlfriend' label... their relationship had never fit neatly into any little square hole, and no label could do his feelings justice anyway.
Paul nodded. He looked... wistful. Like he might be considering a second round of take-my-daughter-with-you.
Joel would spare him the effort. "We should prob'ly let this die out, yeah?" He poked at the fire some more; it still had life, but would need more fuel soon.
"Yeah, probably."
The two men fell into more of a companionable silence, staring into the dying fire until the flames had dwindled into a warm orange glow. Joel appreciated that Paul didn't seem to feel the need to fill the air with unnecessary words... or to ask unwelcome, probing questions. The girls had dominated the conversation -- before, during, and after dinner -- with their ceaseless chatter, so Joel had wondered if it would feel awkward once they were removed from the picture... but he wasn't surprised that it didn't. Paul is like... what do they call those... a 'kindred spirit.' Joel might not have the same trouble with alcohol, but his temper had gotten the better of him a time or two... (or ten)... he wouldn't think twice about stealing shit from the government to provide for Ellie and himself, even if it meant killing people when the situation called for it... and he had done plenty of shit he wasn't proud of. Joel could just feel it in his gut, how alike they were.
After a time -- when Joel caught himself nodding off -- they decided to call it a night, and went to check on the girls together. Paul led the way, pausing before he'd pushed the door open enough to see them. Or... not see them, since-- "Ellie must've switched off the night light," Paul whispered. He was careful to keep his flashlight beam off of their faces. "Karma never does."
Good... that means Ellie feels safe.
She liked to say she couldn't sleep without Joel, but he suspected she just needed someone -- anyone -- close enough to her that her subconscious would register that she wasn't alone. And she might not even need THAT anymore. Can't remember the last time she had a panic attack from being trapped in the dark for two days straight. Time had a way of healing things... even PTSD, or panic disorders... although that shrink person in Jackson had said the symptoms may never subside completely. As for the nightmares... well, it was damn near impossible to find a person who didn't suffer from those on occasion. He hoped Ellie didn't have one tonight... might freak out that poor little girl... or maybe Karma would have one, and Ellie would soothe it away.
Joel camped out on the sofa, with the sofa moved as close to the hallway as possible. So close that it actually blocked half of the entrance; no footsteps would go unnoticed in that hallway. Not that he was worried about anything... he just... just-- I can't help it. We ain't at home. There was always the possibility that he'd misjudged the situation, and while he would bet his life that that wasn't the case here, he wouldn't bet Ellie's. The window in that room was locked and half-boarded up, so an intruder was highly unlikely to enter that way. Anyway, he was close enough that he wondered if he'd be able to tell if Ellie was having a bad dream in time to stop it from getting too bad. It didn't seem likely, but he persuaded Paul to leave Karma's bedroom door ajar, just in case.
* * * * * *
"Do you have to leave?" Karma pouted, her eyes welling up with tears. The creepy smiling clown on her new T-shirt seemed to be mocking her sorrow.
Ellie nodded sadly. "I'll miss you, kiddo." (Ellie had decreed that she was allowed to call her that, but Joel was not.)
The little girl flung herself at Ellie, who hugged her back tightly.
"I'll go wait in the jeep," Joel graciously offered. "Give you two a minute." Discretion is the better part of valor, as they say. He turned... took a few steps... and almost made a clean getaway.
"Wait! You didn't say goodbye!" Karma cried.
"Joel hates goodbyes," Ellie kindly excused him.
But he couldn't just ignore the kid. He glanced back and saw that she had pulled away from Ellie and started to follow him. He gave her a little wave. "Goodbye." He started to turn away again...
...but Karma closed the gap between them too quickly, and he couldn't turn his back on her. "You're not doing it right -- there has to be a hug." And then her little arms were encircling his waist.
Sensing Ellie's amusement, Joel avoided looking in her direction. He patted the little girl's back awkwardly. "Be a good girl for your dad, all right?"
Karma pulled back and grinned. "I will. I take care of him -- just like Ellie takes care of you."
...'Just like'? I highly doubt that, considering how Ellie-- He squelched the naughty thought. Didn't let it take root. I haven't been the dirty old man for three whole days now, he reminded himself. He tried to muss Karma's hair, but the new braid Ellie had just woven was pretty muss-proof. "That's good. You do that."
Karma swiped at her eyes. "You'll come visit us, right?"
Joel hesitated; he didn't want to lie to the girl, but he didn't want to break her little heart, either. He glanced at Paul, who was hovering nearby.
"Of course we will!" Ellie came to his rescue. "If we can find you. And it might be a little while, you know. But we'll never forget you, okay? I promise. Can I have one more hug? Please?"
Joel made it all the way to the jeep this time. He turned and nodded a goodbye to Paul (at least Karma didn't insist that they hug; the two men had had enough of a goodbye conversation inside already that a nod could serve as the final farewell). He started the jeep while the girls said goodbye for the second time. After a moment, he saw Karma approaching in the rear view mirror. NOW what?
But she veered to the right of the jeep; she was saying goodbye to Fox now. Ellie clambered into the passenger seat. "Oh man... goodbyes really suck."
"That they do," Joel agreed, lowering his voice so the girl wouldn't hear. "And this little girl... really ain't ready to let go. Maybe we should've just left after the first night."
"Are you kidding me?" Ellie scoffed. "You've enjoyed the past few days as much as I have. Maybe even more than I have."
"I just meant... she got pretty attached to us, is all. Especially to you."
"Yeah, so, she'll miss us for a while, but she'll have these awesome memories forever. Or... until she forgets. But if she forgets, she won't care, cuz... she forgot, so... yeah. You know what I mean."
Joel chuckled. "That's a nice way to look at it. Either way." He watched Paul approach in the rear view mirror now. "I think he's gonna have to drag her away."
He didn't drag her, exactly, but she was clearly resisting his attempts to tug her back toward the house. Joel thought he heard Karma declaring that she had to take one more ride in the jeep first. Shit -- we better just go. Ellie gave Fox the 'let's go' signal with the lead rope, then leaned out to wave and call out a third goodbye as they started moving.
He still didn't like her leaning like that. "Ellie--"
"Oh my God, we're barely moving -- I'm not gonna fall out!" she laughed. "If you had just left the top down..."
It had been down long enough, in Joel's opinion. They hadn't seen any more helicopters -- and surely a helicopter would register a moving vehicle as unusual enough in and of itself to warrant a closer look, no matter who was driving it -- but he just felt like they were safer with it up.
Ellie settled herself in her seat. "I wasn't lying about visiting -- we could totally do that. We could drive the jeep at a normal speed and be here in like... I dunno... hardly any time at all."
Joel arched an eyebrow at her. "We're still four or five days from home, you know."
"So... maybe it takes two days to get back here, without the horse. Even if it takes three -- that's nothing. Especially cuz we could bring enough food -- we wouldn't have to hunt -- --oh hey, we could smuggle them some presents from Jackson! Like -- like strawberry jam! Isn't it funny that that's the food she misses the most, when they do have strawberries out here?"
Apparently, Paul had tried to replicate the treat for her, but without much success (she even preferred to eat raw strawberries over his concoction). "She liked it on toast. They ain't got that out here."
"We can bring them that, too! Bread, at least... I guess we could toast it first, but cold toast is kind of sad, isn't it? I think I'd rather eat it as just plain bread if it's cold. But they could toast it over a fire -- oh Joel, we have to do that. Paul said they'd be here for a little while yet. He's awesome, don't you think? I could tell he meant it when he asked us to like... join forces."
Joel had been somewhat tempted by that offer, truth be told. Life had been... well, sweet, the past few days. Nothing like what it would be like in Jackson, with all those people around... some of whom had ~opinions~ about him and Ellie. Some who anonymously throw rocks through windows and don't care if they hit us. And having two other people for Ellie to interact with besides him solved the "she needs more than just me in her life" problem. But... it's a BIG 'but': Ellie wants to go home. "He wasn't askin' us so much as... lettin' us know we have the option. He knows Jackson is our home."
"Whatever. It's almost like he had a little man crush on you. And maybe--"
"What? Don't be ridiculous," Joel laughed.
"I'm serious! Maybe you had one on him too? A little? I could tell you really liked him."
"I... didn't like him like that."
"It's not ~like that~. I said a man crush, not a crush-crush!" Ellie explained in her 'duh' voice.
"Oh. Right." Meaning there was no sexual or romantic aspect to it.
"Althouuggghhhhh," Ellie drawled, scooting closer to him and twisting around to look behind them (presumably to see if the coast was clear, and Joel already knew that it was). "It's not like you've even missed me since we've been here. Maybe you do like him like that."
"Mm. Nope, didn't miss you at all," he teased. "How could I, when we've been together the whole time?"
"Not the whole time! And not like this," she purred in his ear.
"Careful... we are Outside, you know," he reminded her. "Don't... don't do the tongue thing."
Of course, that only prompted her to do the goddamn tongue thing, sending shivers down his spine... and then her hand not-so-innocently draped itself over his crotch--
"Ellie. I mean it."
She reluctantly flopped back into her own bucket seat. "Fiiiiiiiine," she groaned dramatically.
"Just... let's wait 'til first break. No sex, though. Not for long, either, 'cause we've only got five or six hours of daylight left, gettin' such a late--"
"Whatever, Joel," she sighed. "It's fine."
He glanced at her. "We ain't far enough away yet. They could still come runnin' after us with somethin' we forgot, or--"
"We didn't forget anything -- we looked everywhere a hundred times. But I said it's fine. And... it really is. I'm not trying to be a brat. I can wait." She did seem a tad less sulky already.
Joel leaned over and brushed his lips across hers in the briefest of kisses, then righted himself. "Thank you, baby girl. I love you."
"Love you too. At least we got to say that to each other every night still, right? Man... the whole thing was pretty cool, wasn't it? Like the four of us were a family. ...Wasn't it cute how Karma renamed that little girl doll -- that mini Barbie or whatever -- how she named it after me so I could be part of her little doll house family? And she felt so bad that she didn't have anything she could turn into a doll of you. Ha! Like you even give a fuck. I still think that one stick with the legs could've passed for you. She should've just gone with that! Okay, yeah, so it was a liiiiiittle skinny. But except for that one minor detail... -And the way she made the house was so creative, don't you think? Turning the laundry basket on its side and adding like... that shirt scrap -- fabric, whatever -- for the carpet... that little plastic thingie that I still don't know what it is but looked so cute as a bathtub... She didn't even have a bathtub in there! Or a toilet. She barely remembers having those things in her-- oh, and that paper she folded to make stairs to the top floor! That was--"
"So you're into dolls now, are you?" he teased. "Ain't too girly for you no more?"
"Pfff. I'm too old for all that. Girly or not."
"You were havin' a blast," Joel pointed out.
"Not actually playing with them -- but helping her make the house better was fun! She loved that little bed I made -- and those curtains were a bitch to cut up. So worth it, though. Too bad we couldn't stick around longer... she was so impressed by that giraffe you made me -- you could've made her a real table, with little chairs... a bed frame... a little dresser..."
"I told you, whittlin' a simple shape is a hell of a lot easier than makin' furniture."
"Whatever -- you totally could've done it. But since Paul never lets her take the stuff whenever they move, I guess it would've been a waste of effort, huh?" Paul would let her take the dolls only -- like the dolls were moving to a new house, too. "Man, she loved that giraffe, though... maybe I shoulda gave it to her and you could just make me another one. I just felt like... I dunno... ugh... maybe you can make her something before we go visit? I know, I know -- we prob'ly won't see them again. But maybe we will, right? Who knows? They've been to Swan Valley -- and so have we! It wasn't Infected Valley when they were there, though. -Maybe we can find them another shopping cart to replace the broken--"
"Except that don't work so well if they ain't travelin' on pavement, remember?" Joel couldn't blame Paul for trying out alternate methods of transportation for Karma when they moved from place to place, but he wasn't surprised to hear that that one hadn't worked out very well. Paul would probably be better off finding a wagon or baby buggy or something to pile their shit in and give Karma a piggyback ride when her legs got too tired.
"Well, maybe you could fix it up so it works better than the old one."
"Oh sure. I'll just wave my magic wand." It was cute that Ellie still seemed to think he could ~fix~ everything.
"You could do it if you tried! Anyways... that fish trap they made was pretty cool, huh? We should try that in Jackson. Oh -- and when do you think she's gonna lose that tooth? It was loose enough -- if it was mine I totally would've yanked it out by now..."
Ellie obviously just wanted to recap the past three days, in detail. Joel indulged her for a few more minutes (by half-listening and providing monosyllabic replies where necessary), then reminded her they needed to stay alert -- which was hard to do without being quiet. Ellie could tell he'd started to tune her out and jokingly accused him of being tired of talking already. Maybe not-so-jokingly, as he did tend to use this excuse fairly often to shut her up. Truly, there were times he just wasn't in the mood for it... but most of the time, when they were somewhere safe, he enjoyed her talkativeness.
Joel simply did not share her need to discuss everything ad nauseam. Even things he knew she'd be interested in -- like his conversation with Paul about bringing Karma to Jackson. True to his word, Paul hadn't brought it up again. He told me to forget it, so I'm forgetting it, Joel told himself... even though he had thought about it some more, and it had come to mind again now. Three whole days later. It WOULD have been crazy to take the kid... to separate her from her dad. Her only family. And yet... what if it's NOT crazy? What if, in the long run, she WOULD be better off? What if, God forbid, something happens to Paul on one of those train heists? What would become of that little girl, out here on her own? Surely he's worried about that, too. She'd be SAFE in Jackson.
And that's what Paul would comfort himself with every day: the knowledge that she's safe... and happy. Maybe that would take a little while -- the happiness part -- but it would come. She wouldn't necessarily be fucked up for life. She's young, and with youth comes resilience.
He was fairly certain Ellie would disagree with that train of thought. However, he didn't care to solicit her opinion on a 'what if' that would never happen.
Granted, there were no guarantees everything would work out just fine. Say they did take the girl... Jackson could be nothing more than a smoking pile of rubble by the time they get there. Or they could get ambushed five minutes down the road here, and all three of them could wind up dead. But... it's about probabilities. Chances are good neither of those things would happen. The odds of serious trouble eventually befalling people who live Outside every single day are just... so much greater.
Paul had said he couldn't do it anyhow. Couldn't send her away. But Joel thought that maybe he could. That if Joel had maybe reacted a little differently to the idea...
Ellie would probably say the man was just trying to punish himself for the mistakes in his past, but that didn't change the cold hard facts. And for Paul to make that kind of sacrifice... the magnitude of it was staggering. When you love someone, though... hell, couldn't I somehow find the strength within me to do it for Ellie? Even knowing she'd hate me for it?
He would, if her life depended on it. Once again, he was reminded of his non-bargain with God in Sacramento, and how he'd found Ellie shortly afterward -- not unharmed, but not too late to save her life. Whether Joel would trade his life for hers or not was irrelevant (of course he would). If God was set on punishing him, Joel was ready to accept the punishment, if he could just see fit to spare Ellie's life, wherever she was. Even if Joel never saw her again... not seeing her was a sentence he could live with, if he could just somehow know.
This, of course, was as impossible as the trading lives thing. It had just made more sense at the time to his sleep-deprived brain... somehow. Yeah, I don't know... for some reason, it's stuck with me. It was just a coincidence we found her a little while later, though. And it ain't like I'm welching on a deal when no deal was even made. At the time the not-a-deal was struck, he hadn't even realized it was his own damn fault that Ellie had been trapped where she was -- which made him even less worthy of being with her.
Rewinding to a year before that, though -- when Joel had persuaded Tommy to finish the trip to the Fireflies, but then realized that, among other things, he couldn't stand the not knowing, and changed his mind. He had decided then that Ellie was his responsibility, beyond just the job. Part of it was probably arrogance, believing that he could look after her better than Tommy could. Then, after everything that happened over the winter, he'd also decided that no matter what happened with the Fireflies, he would stick with her. Wouldn't just hand her over, make sure she was in good hands, then disappear. She was definitely his daughter, by that point.
Only, she never was. Not really. There was no reason he couldn't have found a more suitable family for her to go live with in Jackson. A home with two parents. One in which the father wouldn't have encouraged and taken advantage of misplaced sexual feelings towards him. Of course, being a teenager would have worked against her; people tended to want to adopt younger kids. The younger the better. But Joel was confident that Ellie was lovable enough to win over any family, if they just gave her a chance. Tommy and Maria came to mind... but they were perhaps a bit too close to him to have a fair shot. Meaning, Ellie would continue to rank Joel higher in her heart rather than gradually forgetting about him as she acclimated to her new family.
Nothing like that had even crossed his mind, though -- because he was so sure he knew why the universe had thrown them together. That he was meant to be the father she never had. Until I fucked THAT up real good... she DOES have a strong bond with Tommy and Maria now, though. Meaning...
Meaning nothing. What the hell was wrong with him? Daughter or not, Ellie was his. He just plain wasn't as goddamn noble as Paul.
"Hold on, kiddo..." Joel veered off the road to the right, staying mindful of Fox's movements. The jeep trundled through a small ditch and into the trees.
"What are you doing?" Ellie asked -- because of course it was too early to stop. Especially after what he'd just said.
"I need to stop, is all." He parked them in a nice shady spot, hidden from helicopters and the like.
"Oh. I thought you did that already. Back at the house? When you wouldn't let me come with?"
Joel chuckled. "That ain't why. I just... ain't as focused as I should be. Come here." He tried to scoot the seat back, but they didn't have much wiggle room there, what with all their shit in the back.
She grinned and climbed into his lap, her arms encircling his neck as he held her close, her legs dangling out the side. (And he didn't bother to scold her for slinging the lead rope over the gearshift -- again.) "So you did miss me!"
He smiled and kissed her. Chastely at first, but his tongue found hers soon enough... I could never give this up. Never.
The thing was... it had actually felt pretty natural only being her father the past couple days. Not like he was merely pretending to be while sneaking around on the side, the way they did in Jackson. No, it was more like... the pretending didn't feel like a big damn lie. Almost like he could re-train his brain to--
...Well, no. There's no going back from... THIS. It would have caught up to him eventually. -Was catching up to him now, even.
And Ellie must have picked up on all of it somehow; the relief was just gushing off her in waves. She leaned her forehead against his and sighed happily. "I get why you didn't want to mess around... back there. Still seems like we could've done the... 'nature' thing, like we did with Sophie at first, but... I get it. What if Karma had caught us?"
He pulled her head back gently, his hand tangled in her hair, and kissed her nose. "Forget Karma -- what if Paul had caught us? He would've shot me or somethin'."
She giggled. "Yeah right! Is that what you would do if you caught him and Karma?"
Joel groaned. "That's..."
"Totally gross, I know. So would you?"
"I don' know. Maybe. Maybe not shoot him, but... I'd have to... I don' know," he repeated lamely. He wouldn't be able to just ignore that. Paul would get his wish -- we'd have to bring her with us...
"So you admit there's a big difference between eight and sixteen, then?" Ellie's tone was challenging.
"Of course there is."
"Okay, good. Cuz I thought you might call yourself a hypocrite again."
"Tch. Even if she was sixteen... unless he's lyin' about bein' her dad, that's just..."
"Oh. Yeah. I'm not your actual daughter, so it's cool."
"...'Cool' ain't the word I'd use, but sure, it's different."
"Remember when you wanted to adopt me? Ha!"
I remember... Sometimes he wondered what would have happened if she'd agreed to it; she always said it was a good thing that she'd been smart enough not to, and shit like that, but... he wondered, all the same. At the time, he'd had... perhaps the stirring of romantic feelings for Ellie... nascent, fragile, tentative little things. He had felt confident he could kill them if he had to -- and if he had adopted her, he definitely would have had to. I could've just been her dad, and things would be good... pure and simple...
"I did think about it, you know," said Ellie. "I liked the idea of being permanently attached to you -- being family. But... it just felt wrong. It sucked cuz I couldn't even explain, I didn't understand why... and I knew you took it the wrong way and stuff... ugh. Anyways... it doesn't matter, cuz we are permanently attached. We are family. And you still sort of get to be my dad, right? Being older? So you get both -- a lover and a daughter. Which is much better than only having one or the other, right?"
Joel chuckled. "Which is also messed up. But pretty much true. You're the one gettin' the short end of the stick, only gettin' one."
"What do you mean? I got both, too -- a father and a lover!"
"Sad excuse for a father," he scoffed. "Maybe not so bad as a lover, except for--"
"Fuck that! You're amazing at both, silly." She ruffled his hair playfully. "Your hair's getting kinda long. Too bad we couldn't have Sophie cut it one more time."
"Mine? What about yours? And you can't even put it up now, seein' as how you gave away your last hair band. It's a mess already from the wind." She had just washed it in the river earlier. He threaded his fingers through it, gently working through some of the tangles.
"Mm... maybe I like it that way. It wasn't the wind. Or not just the wind -- I didn't even brush it out earlier, you know." She closed her eyes and leaned into his touch when he massaged her scalp.
"That was silly," he chided her.
"No way -- I did it on purpose! I like my Joel comb better, see? And besides, Karma needed that hair band way more than me. I'll just get more at home." Paul apparently didn't know shit about styling girls' hair; it was something Lindsey had always done. Ellie had shown the girl how to do a couple of simple things herself, and helped her practice them.
"So now, when we're in mortal peril and you can't see shit 'cause your hair is flyin' across your face--"
"Stop! That's not gonna happen!" she laughed. "If it does, you can say 'I told you so.' You would love that. Don't deny it! You loooooove being right all the time. But see, the thing is..." Her lips moved over to his ear, and she whispered like it was a secret. "...you're not."
He shivered pleasantly again. "Is that so?"
"Yep." Her tongue tickled his earlobe. "I was right about us from the beginning."
She loves to claim that, yes... When she started shifting her leg like she was going to straddle him, he hugged her so tight that she couldn't move. "No, baby girl."
She sighed good-naturedly. "I know. Worth a try, though. Hug me as hard as you can -- we still got to do that back there, too!"
He humored her, applying the usual pressure before relaxing again. "Think Karma's gonna make Paul do that all the time now, thanks to you?"
"Probably. I bet you did it harder than he does it, though."
"Well, sure. You're bigger."
"I mean to her. When you did it, she made that weird noise, kinda like the one I make. Then she had to teach Paul, and he still didn't do it right. I think you're just stronger than him."
That may or may not have been true, but it wasn't applicable here. "That noise is how you know where to stop. I don't think I even did it half as hard as I do with you."
"Then he's really a wuss, huh!"
Joel chuckled. "Nah -- he was obviously jus' scared of hurtin' her." If Paul could see me now, he'd be disgusted that I even so much as TOUCHED his daughter, let alone hugged her.
"And you're not scared of hurting me."
"Nope."
"That's not very nice," she pouted.
He chuckled and kissed her pouty lip. "It's just that I'm... prob'ly a bit more familiar with your body."
She giggled. "That has nothing to do with it!"
"Don't it?" He trailed little kisses... down to the 'sweet spot' on her neck, massaging her head with one hand, the small of her back with the other.
"Mmmm... that's different! ...Haha -- poor Fox is looking at us like... what the fuck are you guys doing..."
"He's seen us like this before." Joel lifted his head to follow her gaze to the horse, who had wandered around the front of the jeep, and did indeed appear to be giving them a Look. "But I reckon we're usually real eager to get out of the jeep when we break, an' find him a good little grazin' spot."
"Plenty to graze on here, boy!" Ellie encouraged the horse.
" 'Course, he ain't all that hungry yet 'cause we just barely left."
"He can keep watch for us, then." She cupped Joel's face in her hands, her thumbs stroking his beard while she kissed him... opened her mouth to his...
Although Joel could happily sit there with her all day long to make up for lost time, he forced himself to end it after only a few seconds. "We keep watch. We should get goin'." He patted her thigh. "You good?"
"I guess," she grumbled, but she was smiling when she slid back over to her seat. "You're the one who... couldn't focus. Are you good now?"
He had purposely let her misinterpret that remark... although, as expected, a little bit of lovin' from her had gone a long way toward clearing his head of troubling thoughts. There was no use dwelling on 'what if's and 'what should have been's. He was happy with Ellie, and she was happy with him. Nothing else -- and no one else -- really mattered. "Yeah. I'm good."
~Continue to Chapter 25~
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,650
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
Author's Notes: Chapter title from the song by The White Buffalo & The Forest Rangers
~
Joel never did sleep that well when Ellie wasn't beside him. Knowing that she wouldn't be there tonight made him not want to even attempt to get some shut-eye until he was drop-dead tired.
He didn't sleep well Outside in general... although this trip was proving to be a little different in that he was sleeping decently, most of the time. Ellie claimed it was the sex. When Joel pointed out that they didn't have sex every night, she speculated that the post-orgasmic relaxation effects could last multiple nights. (...He very much doubted there was any science behind this speculation.) Joel thought it was more likely due to the isolation of literally taking the road less traveled, not encountering anyone for a couple of weeks as they made their way through the mountains. Except for the curls, Karma sure does look like that little girl in the dress on Pacheco... or is that my memory playing tricks on me? Memory could do that. He'd only seen her for a few moments, from a distance, over three weeks ago; he couldn't possibly remember her well enough to pick her out of a lineup, but maybe his brain wanted to connect the two for some reason. To try to make sense out of shit that just... wasn't going to make sense any way you slice it. And yet my first instinct had been to decide the two little girls were NOT the same? Other than their age -- and that had been wrong, actually, as Karma had turned out to be older than that ghost girl had seemed to be.
Paul and Karma were in the habit of going to sleep not long after dark -- just like Joel and Ellie usually did on the road, since keeping the sun's schedule was the practical option. Tonight, however, they hadn't even made a fire until after sundown... then cooking and eating dinner had taken a while... and since no one was in a hurry to leave, they just kept adding brittle old tree branches to the fire pit. The conversation had flowed easily, once they got the bare bones version of Paul's why-we-left-Jackson story out of the way. Granted, the girls did most of the talking, but Joel felt oddly at ease in the company of these two strangers, and he sensed that the other man did as well.
Presently, Joel stoked the fire in the steel nearly-smokeless fire pit that resembled a trash can (making a mental note to pick up something similar in Jackson -- the Ghost Town area would probably have some) while Paul went to check on the girls. Karma had this little plush rainbow night light in her bed that ran on batteries, and Paul would go switch it off after she fell asleep. It had LED lights, so the batteries would last a good long while, but batteries weren't that easy to come by and thus, had to be used conservatively when possible. He claimed it was the best thing they'd found in the past two years, since Karma was afraid of the dark (oh how her eyes had lit up when Ellie told her she was afraid of the dark, too!). When Karma had begged her dad to let Ellie to sleep in her room... well, Joel could've said no and made up some excuse, but when Ellie joined in the begging, he could tell she really wanted to indulge the little girl.
He and Ellie were certainly playing up the whole father/daughter thing; she kept cheekily asking him for 'permission' to do this or that, as if she had to -- as if she didn't normally just do whatever the hell she wanted. Joel was just glad she wasn't making a fuss about lying to them. Not LYING, exactly... Karma had asked Ellie pretty early on why she didn't call Joel 'Dad,' which Ellie happily explained (the sanitized, non-Firefly version, of course)... although she did omit little details, such as "and we also have sex." Not only was Ellie okay with the non-disclosure, but -- to Joel's surprise -- she wasn't even trying to sneak little romantic moments with him, either. Not after he shot down her 'nature break' suggestion, anyway.
When the two girls had gone to bed (Ellie had started out on the floor, but Karma had easily persuaded her to join her in the bed), Karma had called out for her dad, saying that just because Ellie was there didn't mean he didn't have to tuck her in. Then Ellie had called for Joel to come in and do the same:
"Jooooeeeellllllll! Joel, where'd you go? ....Joooeellll!"
"What? I'm right out here."
"Come and tuck me in!"
"...You look pretty well tucked already."
"I'm not! Paul only tucked Karma in -- YOU have to tuck ME in! Right, Kar?"
"Yeah! Ellie said you never do. How come?"
"She said that, did she?"
"It's true, Joel! I think it's cuz you don't know how. Karma can tell you what to do."
"... ...Good night, baby girl."
"Nooooo! You can't tuck Ellie in from the doorway -- you have to come over here and sit on the bed next to her!"
"All right, fine... ... ...I'm sittin'. Now what? I repeat myself? Good n--"
"No -- first you have to pull the blankets up."
"They're already--"
"Then just pretend!" the little girl had insisted, giggling.
She'd giggled even more when Joel had yanked the blankets up over both girls' heads.
"Nooooooo I said PRETEND--"
"Oh -- right -- sorry. See, I ain't good at this... THERE you go..."
"It's okay -- my dad wasn't either. I had to teach him stuff like that." 'Stuff like that' being things that her mother had always been the one to do, before. "Then you tell her good night, and tell her you love her, and kiss her on the forehead. And you can say 'sweet dreams' if you want, but you don't have to."
"That's a lot to remember. Any particular order, or..."
"Ummmmmmmmmmm -- I guess it doesn't really matter? The kiss is the most important thing so maybe do that last."
Ellie had behaved herself. Joel figured she would, in that context, but when he'd leaned in and she reached for him, he wasn't sure for a moment...
She had just hugged him and kissed his cheek. Told him she loved him too, and wished him sweet dreams. Then Karma had told him he did a good job. The whole thing was just cute as hell.
That's how it SHOULD be... Ellie was a little old to be tucked in, sure, but their relationship should have remained... innocent. Pure. Uncomplicated.
Paul returned to his camping chair, which was parked a few feet away from Joel's. Joel's chair was actually Karma's, but Karma had graciously sat in her dad's lap to allow Joel to sit in it (and Ellie had dragged a plastic patio chair over from somewhere, intuiting that the lap thing would've been awkward in their case). "They're both still awake," Paul announced. "I think I've heard more giggling today than I've heard all year."
Joel wasn't surprised. Karma had seemed to be more of a tough customer than most kids, as far as releasing those giggles, but Ellie's happy disposition was infectious. "Ellie's real good with kids. I think bein' around little ones... sometimes it brings out the child in her." Unlike when she's with me, always trying to prove how much of an adult she is... truth is, she's somewhere in between.
...And her growing up too fast ain't ALL my fault.
Or so he liked to tell himself.
"I can count on one hand the number of kids we've seen since leaving Jackson," said Paul. "Actually, half of one hand. I do wish..." He just let that thought fizzle out, unfinished.
But Joel understood. "I know. That's one reason we're goin' back now." They hadn't gone into any details about Monterey. He and Ellie were both skilled in flipping conversations back to the other party. Joel got the feeling Paul was, too... but that he knew Joel didn't want to get into anything too personal. Knew it and respected it due to being the same way himself. Ellie had never exactly been an open book with other people... she'd learned to play certain things close to the vest, as far as sharing personal shit... but it seemed the longer she was with him, the more the book closed to the general public. Taking cues from me, maybe? Or just because there's a lot she can't talk about from the past two years? It was especially noticeable in comparison to Karma, who was honest and open and blunt as hell. Due to being a YOUNG CHILD. Life was already stripping that away from Ellie before I came along. ...Or maybe that was just something else he liked to tell himself.
"You want Ellie to be around other kids, huh?"
"Yeah. She... uh... well, it ain't good for her to see no one but me all the time."
Paul nodded. "I get that. That's why... man, if I could just get a do-over on that one day."
The day he'd had way too much to drink at the 4th of July party, got into it with someone who had pissed him off (he couldn't remember the guy's name now, and Ellie had given Joel one hell of a dirty look when he'd asked Paul if it was Max), assaulted Tommy when he intervened, snatched Tommy's gun -- then missed his target, shooting Maria's father instead. Which explained Maria's aversion to the party last year; it was a wonder they'd even had a celebration at all, 'annual tradition' or not. But then, she and Tommy both tended to put the interests of the townsfolk above their own, and a big event like that gave people something fun to look forward to; when that incident had occurred, the population was less than half of what it was now. The 'no carry law' instituted immediately afterward was perhaps a knee-jerk reaction, but it was intended to protect the citizens (and apparently, they'd had other issues with people misusing firearms).
On Joel and Ellie's second night in town, Tommy had mentioned being involved in one of the incidents, and Joel had to assume he was referring to this one. He'd meant to ask Tommy about it later and then completely forgotten about it. The way Paul told it, Tommy was little more than someone in the wrong place at the wrong time, but Joel remembered Tommy sounding distinctly guilty in what little he'd said. Maybe just because of the tragic outcome? His baby brother had failed to mention that. Eventually, Joel had learned how Maria's father had died, but only vaguely. Joel marveled that no one else in town had seen fit to mention it, even passive-aggressively, to him or Ellie on account of them bucking the no-carry rule. He could understand Maria not being able to talk about her father; he'd noticed her redirecting Ellie's friendly curiosity away from the subject a time or two and figured it was a sensitive subject. Still, she could have made an impassioned plea for them to comply, citing his senseless death as the main reason for it... had Tommy assured her that they wouldn't cause any trouble, and that was enough for her to let it slide?
Leave it to Ellie to cause trouble on day one. Yes, they had certainly given the town plenty to gossip about, even before the salacious rumors started.
As for Paul... That's just a rough deal, all the way around. "Playin' the what if game ain't gonna do you -- or her -- any good," Joel said. Because he was a goddamn hypocrite.
"I know it. I know you're right. Of course it won't. It's just hard not to, with everything that came after... my family suffering because of me... my stupid, stupid mistake... and no matter what I do now, it's not..." He sighed. "I know things can be shitty in the Zones, too, but at least she could go to school there. Be around kids her own age. You know?"
Apparently, they were on the waiting list for the QZ in Boise. But Joel knew how that went: why would the military take in more people, even if they did have a vacancy open up, when they could fudge the numbers and keep more provisions for themselves? Or, even if this one happened to be more ethical in that regard, it wasn't like they could get a message to Paul. The QZ wasn't a restaurant that handed out pagers and then buzzed you when your table was ready. It was first come, first served. With that in mind, clinging to the sliver of hope that remained, Paul checked in with Boise every few months or so. In fact, they were slowly working their way up there now, after wintering all the way down in Arizona. They were gone longer than he'd intended, but after some kind of hypothermia scare with Karma the previous winter, he felt it was safer to stay south a bit longer. Sometimes they'd settle for a while in one area -- if it was a nice one like this, by the Snake River -- but Paul felt like they had to keep moving. Keep looking for something better, because 'better' wasn't just going to come and bite him in the ass while he was sitting on it. It was out there... he just hadn't found it yet.
"You're doin' the best you can," Joel tried to reassure him, although the generic words sounded hollow even to his own ears. "You're keepin' her alive. That's the most important thing."
Paul snorted. "Yeahhhh... by leaving her alone out here for hours."
"Lesser of two evils," Joel voiced his earlier thought on the subject.
"It was easier when Lindsey was here, of course." His wife... whom Paul suspected had suffered a ruptured appendix, or some such affliction (Joel had insisted that Jackson's somewhat-primitive clinic wouldn't have been able to save her in time, but he didn't think the other man had bought it). They would never know her actual cause of death for sure.
Just like that 'Died of alcoholism' thing, Joel mused to himself. At least Lindsey's tombstone was better than most. Nowadays, some didn't include date of birth... date of death... even the name of the deceased. Some people -- he would venture it was most people, even -- never wound up in a grave at all, let alone one with any kind of marker. Nameless corpses were left out in the open to decay without dignity, and no one gave a damn. Even Ellie had become somewhat hardened to it.
"She's a tough kid, though," Paul continued. "Ellie is, too, from what I can tell."
"The toughest," Joel agreed. "And she'd be the first to tell you that school ain't all sunshine'n'rainbows, either."
"Maybe not... but it'd be nice if Karma could learn to read better. Not that there's much to read out here anyway... I dunno. She loved going to school in Jackson. Just learning her letters, back then. I try to get her to practice, but the interest... really isn't there anymore, on her end."
"I'm with her on that one -- I ain't much of a reader myself," Joel said lightly. Although he had made it all the way through the book Ellie had given him for his birthday. He'd even enjoyed it. That was another 'first thing' on her list for when they got home: find Joel more books by that author. "I leave that to Ellie."
Paul chuckled. "I think she became Karma's hero when she said she reads to the kids in the library. She used to love story time there. I wish--" He cut himself off with a frustrated little groan, then looked at Joel somberly. "I know it's crazy, but... do you think... ..."
Joel could see where this was going... and he didn't see it going far, but he could at least make the offer. "I can talk to Tommy. Maria's the tougher sell, of course--"
"No-- no, I don't mean... I know I'm not welcome. They made that perfectly clear. I don't blame 'em."
Based on what Paul had told him, Joel believed it was an accident. Gross negligence, perhaps, but not a deliberate act. Is it splitting hairs to decide where it falls between reckless and negligent... does it even matter? Maria's father was dead, and Paul was to blame, one way or another. Paul hadn't accidentally punched Tommy... and he had proceeded to fire that gun at another resident in a group of innocents -- he'd just missed, and hit a bystander. Drunk or not, there was just no excuse for that. And Paul wasn't trying to make excuses. Jackson was a small town; even if Maria was willing to take him back in -- not forgive him, but let him in -- she would have to lay eyes on him on a regular basis. I wouldn't be able to do it, if it was me... if it was MY family member he'd killed...
Hell. If it was him, Paul wouldn't still be drawing breath. Joel didn't bother arguing the man's... welcomeness. Didn't bother speculating if perhaps a year and a half was long enough of a sentence for manslaughter, given who the victim was. He just waited for Paul to find his words.
New intensity blazed in Paul's eyes (...or was that just the reflection of the fire?). "I don't expect forgiveness. But... it's not Karma's fault. If they could look past whose child she is... that's not too much to ask, is it?"
It wasn't a rhetorical question; Joel felt the desperation behind the plea and it pricked at his gut. Is he saying what I think he's saying? "Surely you ain't thinkin'..."
"That's exactly what I'm thinking. Been thinking it since I heard where you were going. She deserves better than this."
That is messed up as hell-- "No -- she deserves to be with a parent who loves her. And she is."
"She could have that in Jackson," Paul replied earnestly; clearly he'd anticipated that argument. "I'm not asking-- I mean, it doesn't have to be you. There's so many people there... families... someone would adopt her. I know they would! She's a great kid."
Now Joel understood why Paul had pumped them for current Jackson demographic information at dinner. Ellie had run through just about every household she could remember, spewing random facts and memories about each, asking Paul and Karma if they knew the people (...for the most part, they didn’t). It wasn't nostalgia that had made Paul so 'curious'... it wasn't that he missed any of the folks there... it was simple reconnaissance. Joel frowned. "It ain't the same as... she loves you. You're all she knows. All she has."
"And that's not a good thing. Like you said. But... you and Ellie. I see the... the bond you two have. You're actually proof that Karma can have another parent -- hopefully two. How old did you say Ellie was when you met her? Fourteen?"
Damnit-- "That's different. Ellie had no one." Because Marlene certainly didn't count for shit in Joel's book (especially once he'd learned that she never even bothered to introduce herself to Ellie until age thirteen, despite having known her since birth). "That's why she latched on to me so quick. If she'd already had... a decent parent, that she loved..."
Paul leaned forward... like he was really getting into this idea now. "It doesn't really matter, in the end -- it's the time you spend together that creates that bond. More than family... actual blood, I mean. -Put yourself in my shoes. Wouldn't you want the same thing for Ellie? To have a better life?"
Joel wished Ellie were out here now, because she could say the right things... things to make Paul see that this train of thought was all wrong. Because it IS wrong. ...Ain't it? Shit..."Ellie wouldn't want that. We stick together." ...Is that the best I can come up with? He'd said it before -- and it wasn't a bad thing -- but this time, it made him feel vaguely selfish. Maybe because this guy's willing to give up his daughter for her own good, whereas I--
"Maybe it would be different if she were younger," Paul mused, "but... but hey, what if the choice was between Ellie staying out here with you -- never finding a partner, never having kids -- or... getting to have those things someday, because she's not with you?"
Paul couldn't possibly have known what a nerve he'd struck, but Joel was done with the walking-in-his-shoes bit -- and done comparing the two scenarios. He certainly wasn't going to answer that 'what if.' He couldn't answer it honestly, and there was no point conjuring up some bullshit. "So... what, you think your daughter will understand when you send her off with us -- or, worse, make her think you're comin' too, then ditch her at the gate? It would rip her heart clean out of her chest."
"She'd get over it," Paul said dismissively, his face impassive. "She's already forgetting her mom. Like I said -- she's tough."
Joel leaned back in his seat. Crossed his arms over his chest. "No kid is that tough. You do this to her, it'll leave scars on her... for the rest of her life. ...Don't she have enough of those already?" he added gently.
Paul just stared at him... then dropped his head into his hands and sat there quietly for an uncomfortably long moment. Just when Joel began to fear that the other man was crying, Paul lifted his head... and slumped back in his seat, defeated. "You might be right. Might be. You might be wrong. But, shit -- I don't think I could do it anyway. Couldn't look at her, and... tell her that I... ...I just couldn't do it."
Joel relaxed a little, relieved that Paul had conceded the crazy idea so easily. As if that somehow excuses what I'm doing to Ellie.
Ultimately, it didn't matter what Paul did... all that matters is Ellie'n'me. After tomorrow, they would never see Paul and Karma again. But that didn't mean Joel liked the thought of a sweet little girl joining the ranks of the irreparably broken. The fucked-up-beyond-hope. -Joining the masses, basically. Maybe it's inevitable... but Joel wanted no part of it. If the girl was two or three, maybe it would work; if she was adopted right away, she'd soon have no memory of her former life. But eight is too old... it's old enough to get fucked up real good over it.
"I wouldn't be able to do it either," Joel commiserated with him. "I couldn't look Ellie in the eye and-- I'd have to skip the whole goodbye part. Leave her a damn note or somethin'." ...So long and thanks for all the fish... It might be cowardly, but Ellie was older than Karma: she wouldn't let him leave. She'd probably handcuff me to the bed, if she had to.
"And I wouldn't know if Karma could even read it, if I did that. Hard to imagine writing such a... God, what an awful thing."
Yeah... Joel reckoned he would probably end up skipping the note part as well. Whatever he said wouldn't make one bit of difference to Ellie anyway, in that situation. Professions of love would ring hollow as hell.
"I'm sorry, Joel. I shouldn't've... laid that on you, like that."
"S'alright."
"It's not, though. Not just-- I mean, even if I could do it -- even if you agreed to do it -- I've known you for a whopping... what, four whole hours? And I'd just send my child off with you? Psh. Crazy."
Joel chuckled; he hadn't even thought of it that way. "That's the world we live in." He liked to mentally criticize Marlene for doing that with Ellie, not even an hour after meeting him... but ultimately, it had been the right choice -- and she'd had Tommy's word to go on, at least. It wasn't like you could check a person's references, look them up in some database to see if they were a felon and whatnot. No, unless you had the luxury of ample time to spend with a person to get to know them first, 'go with your gut' kind of had to be the M.O. And if Paul could get a look at MY post-pandemic resume... welllllll...
Then again, thieving and killing were valuable skills nowadays. At least as important, if not more so, than basic survival skills -- which could only be as good as the provisions on hand, after all. The sex offender part would get him, though. No one would ever send their daughter anywhere with Joel after discovering that particular little tidbit.
"Forget I mentioned it," Paul was saying. "It was... out of line. I won't bring it up again. You know... you're welcome to stay longer, if you'd like. Karma would love to spend more time with Ellie."
Joel certainly wouldn't mind prolonging this journey another day or two; the closer they got to Jackson, the more he dreaded the end of it. "Thank you. I'll run it by the boss tomorrow."
Paul smiled. "She calls the shots, huh?"
"Sometimes. Depends on the nature of the shot."
"Of course. But... I see the way you look at her..."
Joel bristled. What the hell does he mean by that? -Don't give him any ammunition... if he feels inclined to speak his mind, he'll just--
"Hard to believe you're not actually her father. Never would've guessed it."
...Oh. All right then. "Ellie'n'me... we've been through a lot together. She's family. Always will be." Although technically, that don't apply with the 'girlfriend' label... their relationship had never fit neatly into any little square hole, and no label could do his feelings justice anyway.
Paul nodded. He looked... wistful. Like he might be considering a second round of take-my-daughter-with-you.
Joel would spare him the effort. "We should prob'ly let this die out, yeah?" He poked at the fire some more; it still had life, but would need more fuel soon.
"Yeah, probably."
The two men fell into more of a companionable silence, staring into the dying fire until the flames had dwindled into a warm orange glow. Joel appreciated that Paul didn't seem to feel the need to fill the air with unnecessary words... or to ask unwelcome, probing questions. The girls had dominated the conversation -- before, during, and after dinner -- with their ceaseless chatter, so Joel had wondered if it would feel awkward once they were removed from the picture... but he wasn't surprised that it didn't. Paul is like... what do they call those... a 'kindred spirit.' Joel might not have the same trouble with alcohol, but his temper had gotten the better of him a time or two... (or ten)... he wouldn't think twice about stealing shit from the government to provide for Ellie and himself, even if it meant killing people when the situation called for it... and he had done plenty of shit he wasn't proud of. Joel could just feel it in his gut, how alike they were.
After a time -- when Joel caught himself nodding off -- they decided to call it a night, and went to check on the girls together. Paul led the way, pausing before he'd pushed the door open enough to see them. Or... not see them, since-- "Ellie must've switched off the night light," Paul whispered. He was careful to keep his flashlight beam off of their faces. "Karma never does."
Good... that means Ellie feels safe.
She liked to say she couldn't sleep without Joel, but he suspected she just needed someone -- anyone -- close enough to her that her subconscious would register that she wasn't alone. And she might not even need THAT anymore. Can't remember the last time she had a panic attack from being trapped in the dark for two days straight. Time had a way of healing things... even PTSD, or panic disorders... although that shrink person in Jackson had said the symptoms may never subside completely. As for the nightmares... well, it was damn near impossible to find a person who didn't suffer from those on occasion. He hoped Ellie didn't have one tonight... might freak out that poor little girl... or maybe Karma would have one, and Ellie would soothe it away.
Joel camped out on the sofa, with the sofa moved as close to the hallway as possible. So close that it actually blocked half of the entrance; no footsteps would go unnoticed in that hallway. Not that he was worried about anything... he just... just-- I can't help it. We ain't at home. There was always the possibility that he'd misjudged the situation, and while he would bet his life that that wasn't the case here, he wouldn't bet Ellie's. The window in that room was locked and half-boarded up, so an intruder was highly unlikely to enter that way. Anyway, he was close enough that he wondered if he'd be able to tell if Ellie was having a bad dream in time to stop it from getting too bad. It didn't seem likely, but he persuaded Paul to leave Karma's bedroom door ajar, just in case.
* * * * * *
"Do you have to leave?" Karma pouted, her eyes welling up with tears. The creepy smiling clown on her new T-shirt seemed to be mocking her sorrow.
Ellie nodded sadly. "I'll miss you, kiddo." (Ellie had decreed that she was allowed to call her that, but Joel was not.)
The little girl flung herself at Ellie, who hugged her back tightly.
"I'll go wait in the jeep," Joel graciously offered. "Give you two a minute." Discretion is the better part of valor, as they say. He turned... took a few steps... and almost made a clean getaway.
"Wait! You didn't say goodbye!" Karma cried.
"Joel hates goodbyes," Ellie kindly excused him.
But he couldn't just ignore the kid. He glanced back and saw that she had pulled away from Ellie and started to follow him. He gave her a little wave. "Goodbye." He started to turn away again...
...but Karma closed the gap between them too quickly, and he couldn't turn his back on her. "You're not doing it right -- there has to be a hug." And then her little arms were encircling his waist.
Sensing Ellie's amusement, Joel avoided looking in her direction. He patted the little girl's back awkwardly. "Be a good girl for your dad, all right?"
Karma pulled back and grinned. "I will. I take care of him -- just like Ellie takes care of you."
...'Just like'? I highly doubt that, considering how Ellie-- He squelched the naughty thought. Didn't let it take root. I haven't been the dirty old man for three whole days now, he reminded himself. He tried to muss Karma's hair, but the new braid Ellie had just woven was pretty muss-proof. "That's good. You do that."
Karma swiped at her eyes. "You'll come visit us, right?"
Joel hesitated; he didn't want to lie to the girl, but he didn't want to break her little heart, either. He glanced at Paul, who was hovering nearby.
"Of course we will!" Ellie came to his rescue. "If we can find you. And it might be a little while, you know. But we'll never forget you, okay? I promise. Can I have one more hug? Please?"
Joel made it all the way to the jeep this time. He turned and nodded a goodbye to Paul (at least Karma didn't insist that they hug; the two men had had enough of a goodbye conversation inside already that a nod could serve as the final farewell). He started the jeep while the girls said goodbye for the second time. After a moment, he saw Karma approaching in the rear view mirror. NOW what?
But she veered to the right of the jeep; she was saying goodbye to Fox now. Ellie clambered into the passenger seat. "Oh man... goodbyes really suck."
"That they do," Joel agreed, lowering his voice so the girl wouldn't hear. "And this little girl... really ain't ready to let go. Maybe we should've just left after the first night."
"Are you kidding me?" Ellie scoffed. "You've enjoyed the past few days as much as I have. Maybe even more than I have."
"I just meant... she got pretty attached to us, is all. Especially to you."
"Yeah, so, she'll miss us for a while, but she'll have these awesome memories forever. Or... until she forgets. But if she forgets, she won't care, cuz... she forgot, so... yeah. You know what I mean."
Joel chuckled. "That's a nice way to look at it. Either way." He watched Paul approach in the rear view mirror now. "I think he's gonna have to drag her away."
He didn't drag her, exactly, but she was clearly resisting his attempts to tug her back toward the house. Joel thought he heard Karma declaring that she had to take one more ride in the jeep first. Shit -- we better just go. Ellie gave Fox the 'let's go' signal with the lead rope, then leaned out to wave and call out a third goodbye as they started moving.
He still didn't like her leaning like that. "Ellie--"
"Oh my God, we're barely moving -- I'm not gonna fall out!" she laughed. "If you had just left the top down..."
It had been down long enough, in Joel's opinion. They hadn't seen any more helicopters -- and surely a helicopter would register a moving vehicle as unusual enough in and of itself to warrant a closer look, no matter who was driving it -- but he just felt like they were safer with it up.
Ellie settled herself in her seat. "I wasn't lying about visiting -- we could totally do that. We could drive the jeep at a normal speed and be here in like... I dunno... hardly any time at all."
Joel arched an eyebrow at her. "We're still four or five days from home, you know."
"So... maybe it takes two days to get back here, without the horse. Even if it takes three -- that's nothing. Especially cuz we could bring enough food -- we wouldn't have to hunt -- --oh hey, we could smuggle them some presents from Jackson! Like -- like strawberry jam! Isn't it funny that that's the food she misses the most, when they do have strawberries out here?"
Apparently, Paul had tried to replicate the treat for her, but without much success (she even preferred to eat raw strawberries over his concoction). "She liked it on toast. They ain't got that out here."
"We can bring them that, too! Bread, at least... I guess we could toast it first, but cold toast is kind of sad, isn't it? I think I'd rather eat it as just plain bread if it's cold. But they could toast it over a fire -- oh Joel, we have to do that. Paul said they'd be here for a little while yet. He's awesome, don't you think? I could tell he meant it when he asked us to like... join forces."
Joel had been somewhat tempted by that offer, truth be told. Life had been... well, sweet, the past few days. Nothing like what it would be like in Jackson, with all those people around... some of whom had ~opinions~ about him and Ellie. Some who anonymously throw rocks through windows and don't care if they hit us. And having two other people for Ellie to interact with besides him solved the "she needs more than just me in her life" problem. But... it's a BIG 'but': Ellie wants to go home. "He wasn't askin' us so much as... lettin' us know we have the option. He knows Jackson is our home."
"Whatever. It's almost like he had a little man crush on you. And maybe--"
"What? Don't be ridiculous," Joel laughed.
"I'm serious! Maybe you had one on him too? A little? I could tell you really liked him."
"I... didn't like him like that."
"It's not ~like that~. I said a man crush, not a crush-crush!" Ellie explained in her 'duh' voice.
"Oh. Right." Meaning there was no sexual or romantic aspect to it.
"Althouuggghhhhh," Ellie drawled, scooting closer to him and twisting around to look behind them (presumably to see if the coast was clear, and Joel already knew that it was). "It's not like you've even missed me since we've been here. Maybe you do like him like that."
"Mm. Nope, didn't miss you at all," he teased. "How could I, when we've been together the whole time?"
"Not the whole time! And not like this," she purred in his ear.
"Careful... we are Outside, you know," he reminded her. "Don't... don't do the tongue thing."
Of course, that only prompted her to do the goddamn tongue thing, sending shivers down his spine... and then her hand not-so-innocently draped itself over his crotch--
"Ellie. I mean it."
She reluctantly flopped back into her own bucket seat. "Fiiiiiiiine," she groaned dramatically.
"Just... let's wait 'til first break. No sex, though. Not for long, either, 'cause we've only got five or six hours of daylight left, gettin' such a late--"
"Whatever, Joel," she sighed. "It's fine."
He glanced at her. "We ain't far enough away yet. They could still come runnin' after us with somethin' we forgot, or--"
"We didn't forget anything -- we looked everywhere a hundred times. But I said it's fine. And... it really is. I'm not trying to be a brat. I can wait." She did seem a tad less sulky already.
Joel leaned over and brushed his lips across hers in the briefest of kisses, then righted himself. "Thank you, baby girl. I love you."
"Love you too. At least we got to say that to each other every night still, right? Man... the whole thing was pretty cool, wasn't it? Like the four of us were a family. ...Wasn't it cute how Karma renamed that little girl doll -- that mini Barbie or whatever -- how she named it after me so I could be part of her little doll house family? And she felt so bad that she didn't have anything she could turn into a doll of you. Ha! Like you even give a fuck. I still think that one stick with the legs could've passed for you. She should've just gone with that! Okay, yeah, so it was a liiiiiittle skinny. But except for that one minor detail... -And the way she made the house was so creative, don't you think? Turning the laundry basket on its side and adding like... that shirt scrap -- fabric, whatever -- for the carpet... that little plastic thingie that I still don't know what it is but looked so cute as a bathtub... She didn't even have a bathtub in there! Or a toilet. She barely remembers having those things in her-- oh, and that paper she folded to make stairs to the top floor! That was--"
"So you're into dolls now, are you?" he teased. "Ain't too girly for you no more?"
"Pfff. I'm too old for all that. Girly or not."
"You were havin' a blast," Joel pointed out.
"Not actually playing with them -- but helping her make the house better was fun! She loved that little bed I made -- and those curtains were a bitch to cut up. So worth it, though. Too bad we couldn't stick around longer... she was so impressed by that giraffe you made me -- you could've made her a real table, with little chairs... a bed frame... a little dresser..."
"I told you, whittlin' a simple shape is a hell of a lot easier than makin' furniture."
"Whatever -- you totally could've done it. But since Paul never lets her take the stuff whenever they move, I guess it would've been a waste of effort, huh?" Paul would let her take the dolls only -- like the dolls were moving to a new house, too. "Man, she loved that giraffe, though... maybe I shoulda gave it to her and you could just make me another one. I just felt like... I dunno... ugh... maybe you can make her something before we go visit? I know, I know -- we prob'ly won't see them again. But maybe we will, right? Who knows? They've been to Swan Valley -- and so have we! It wasn't Infected Valley when they were there, though. -Maybe we can find them another shopping cart to replace the broken--"
"Except that don't work so well if they ain't travelin' on pavement, remember?" Joel couldn't blame Paul for trying out alternate methods of transportation for Karma when they moved from place to place, but he wasn't surprised to hear that that one hadn't worked out very well. Paul would probably be better off finding a wagon or baby buggy or something to pile their shit in and give Karma a piggyback ride when her legs got too tired.
"Well, maybe you could fix it up so it works better than the old one."
"Oh sure. I'll just wave my magic wand." It was cute that Ellie still seemed to think he could ~fix~ everything.
"You could do it if you tried! Anyways... that fish trap they made was pretty cool, huh? We should try that in Jackson. Oh -- and when do you think she's gonna lose that tooth? It was loose enough -- if it was mine I totally would've yanked it out by now..."
Ellie obviously just wanted to recap the past three days, in detail. Joel indulged her for a few more minutes (by half-listening and providing monosyllabic replies where necessary), then reminded her they needed to stay alert -- which was hard to do without being quiet. Ellie could tell he'd started to tune her out and jokingly accused him of being tired of talking already. Maybe not-so-jokingly, as he did tend to use this excuse fairly often to shut her up. Truly, there were times he just wasn't in the mood for it... but most of the time, when they were somewhere safe, he enjoyed her talkativeness.
Joel simply did not share her need to discuss everything ad nauseam. Even things he knew she'd be interested in -- like his conversation with Paul about bringing Karma to Jackson. True to his word, Paul hadn't brought it up again. He told me to forget it, so I'm forgetting it, Joel told himself... even though he had thought about it some more, and it had come to mind again now. Three whole days later. It WOULD have been crazy to take the kid... to separate her from her dad. Her only family. And yet... what if it's NOT crazy? What if, in the long run, she WOULD be better off? What if, God forbid, something happens to Paul on one of those train heists? What would become of that little girl, out here on her own? Surely he's worried about that, too. She'd be SAFE in Jackson.
And that's what Paul would comfort himself with every day: the knowledge that she's safe... and happy. Maybe that would take a little while -- the happiness part -- but it would come. She wouldn't necessarily be fucked up for life. She's young, and with youth comes resilience.
He was fairly certain Ellie would disagree with that train of thought. However, he didn't care to solicit her opinion on a 'what if' that would never happen.
Granted, there were no guarantees everything would work out just fine. Say they did take the girl... Jackson could be nothing more than a smoking pile of rubble by the time they get there. Or they could get ambushed five minutes down the road here, and all three of them could wind up dead. But... it's about probabilities. Chances are good neither of those things would happen. The odds of serious trouble eventually befalling people who live Outside every single day are just... so much greater.
Paul had said he couldn't do it anyhow. Couldn't send her away. But Joel thought that maybe he could. That if Joel had maybe reacted a little differently to the idea...
Ellie would probably say the man was just trying to punish himself for the mistakes in his past, but that didn't change the cold hard facts. And for Paul to make that kind of sacrifice... the magnitude of it was staggering. When you love someone, though... hell, couldn't I somehow find the strength within me to do it for Ellie? Even knowing she'd hate me for it?
He would, if her life depended on it. Once again, he was reminded of his non-bargain with God in Sacramento, and how he'd found Ellie shortly afterward -- not unharmed, but not too late to save her life. Whether Joel would trade his life for hers or not was irrelevant (of course he would). If God was set on punishing him, Joel was ready to accept the punishment, if he could just see fit to spare Ellie's life, wherever she was. Even if Joel never saw her again... not seeing her was a sentence he could live with, if he could just somehow know.
This, of course, was as impossible as the trading lives thing. It had just made more sense at the time to his sleep-deprived brain... somehow. Yeah, I don't know... for some reason, it's stuck with me. It was just a coincidence we found her a little while later, though. And it ain't like I'm welching on a deal when no deal was even made. At the time the not-a-deal was struck, he hadn't even realized it was his own damn fault that Ellie had been trapped where she was -- which made him even less worthy of being with her.
Rewinding to a year before that, though -- when Joel had persuaded Tommy to finish the trip to the Fireflies, but then realized that, among other things, he couldn't stand the not knowing, and changed his mind. He had decided then that Ellie was his responsibility, beyond just the job. Part of it was probably arrogance, believing that he could look after her better than Tommy could. Then, after everything that happened over the winter, he'd also decided that no matter what happened with the Fireflies, he would stick with her. Wouldn't just hand her over, make sure she was in good hands, then disappear. She was definitely his daughter, by that point.
Only, she never was. Not really. There was no reason he couldn't have found a more suitable family for her to go live with in Jackson. A home with two parents. One in which the father wouldn't have encouraged and taken advantage of misplaced sexual feelings towards him. Of course, being a teenager would have worked against her; people tended to want to adopt younger kids. The younger the better. But Joel was confident that Ellie was lovable enough to win over any family, if they just gave her a chance. Tommy and Maria came to mind... but they were perhaps a bit too close to him to have a fair shot. Meaning, Ellie would continue to rank Joel higher in her heart rather than gradually forgetting about him as she acclimated to her new family.
Nothing like that had even crossed his mind, though -- because he was so sure he knew why the universe had thrown them together. That he was meant to be the father she never had. Until I fucked THAT up real good... she DOES have a strong bond with Tommy and Maria now, though. Meaning...
Meaning nothing. What the hell was wrong with him? Daughter or not, Ellie was his. He just plain wasn't as goddamn noble as Paul.
"Hold on, kiddo..." Joel veered off the road to the right, staying mindful of Fox's movements. The jeep trundled through a small ditch and into the trees.
"What are you doing?" Ellie asked -- because of course it was too early to stop. Especially after what he'd just said.
"I need to stop, is all." He parked them in a nice shady spot, hidden from helicopters and the like.
"Oh. I thought you did that already. Back at the house? When you wouldn't let me come with?"
Joel chuckled. "That ain't why. I just... ain't as focused as I should be. Come here." He tried to scoot the seat back, but they didn't have much wiggle room there, what with all their shit in the back.
She grinned and climbed into his lap, her arms encircling his neck as he held her close, her legs dangling out the side. (And he didn't bother to scold her for slinging the lead rope over the gearshift -- again.) "So you did miss me!"
He smiled and kissed her. Chastely at first, but his tongue found hers soon enough... I could never give this up. Never.
The thing was... it had actually felt pretty natural only being her father the past couple days. Not like he was merely pretending to be while sneaking around on the side, the way they did in Jackson. No, it was more like... the pretending didn't feel like a big damn lie. Almost like he could re-train his brain to--
...Well, no. There's no going back from... THIS. It would have caught up to him eventually. -Was catching up to him now, even.
And Ellie must have picked up on all of it somehow; the relief was just gushing off her in waves. She leaned her forehead against his and sighed happily. "I get why you didn't want to mess around... back there. Still seems like we could've done the... 'nature' thing, like we did with Sophie at first, but... I get it. What if Karma had caught us?"
He pulled her head back gently, his hand tangled in her hair, and kissed her nose. "Forget Karma -- what if Paul had caught us? He would've shot me or somethin'."
She giggled. "Yeah right! Is that what you would do if you caught him and Karma?"
Joel groaned. "That's..."
"Totally gross, I know. So would you?"
"I don' know. Maybe. Maybe not shoot him, but... I'd have to... I don' know," he repeated lamely. He wouldn't be able to just ignore that. Paul would get his wish -- we'd have to bring her with us...
"So you admit there's a big difference between eight and sixteen, then?" Ellie's tone was challenging.
"Of course there is."
"Okay, good. Cuz I thought you might call yourself a hypocrite again."
"Tch. Even if she was sixteen... unless he's lyin' about bein' her dad, that's just..."
"Oh. Yeah. I'm not your actual daughter, so it's cool."
"...'Cool' ain't the word I'd use, but sure, it's different."
"Remember when you wanted to adopt me? Ha!"
I remember... Sometimes he wondered what would have happened if she'd agreed to it; she always said it was a good thing that she'd been smart enough not to, and shit like that, but... he wondered, all the same. At the time, he'd had... perhaps the stirring of romantic feelings for Ellie... nascent, fragile, tentative little things. He had felt confident he could kill them if he had to -- and if he had adopted her, he definitely would have had to. I could've just been her dad, and things would be good... pure and simple...
"I did think about it, you know," said Ellie. "I liked the idea of being permanently attached to you -- being family. But... it just felt wrong. It sucked cuz I couldn't even explain, I didn't understand why... and I knew you took it the wrong way and stuff... ugh. Anyways... it doesn't matter, cuz we are permanently attached. We are family. And you still sort of get to be my dad, right? Being older? So you get both -- a lover and a daughter. Which is much better than only having one or the other, right?"
Joel chuckled. "Which is also messed up. But pretty much true. You're the one gettin' the short end of the stick, only gettin' one."
"What do you mean? I got both, too -- a father and a lover!"
"Sad excuse for a father," he scoffed. "Maybe not so bad as a lover, except for--"
"Fuck that! You're amazing at both, silly." She ruffled his hair playfully. "Your hair's getting kinda long. Too bad we couldn't have Sophie cut it one more time."
"Mine? What about yours? And you can't even put it up now, seein' as how you gave away your last hair band. It's a mess already from the wind." She had just washed it in the river earlier. He threaded his fingers through it, gently working through some of the tangles.
"Mm... maybe I like it that way. It wasn't the wind. Or not just the wind -- I didn't even brush it out earlier, you know." She closed her eyes and leaned into his touch when he massaged her scalp.
"That was silly," he chided her.
"No way -- I did it on purpose! I like my Joel comb better, see? And besides, Karma needed that hair band way more than me. I'll just get more at home." Paul apparently didn't know shit about styling girls' hair; it was something Lindsey had always done. Ellie had shown the girl how to do a couple of simple things herself, and helped her practice them.
"So now, when we're in mortal peril and you can't see shit 'cause your hair is flyin' across your face--"
"Stop! That's not gonna happen!" she laughed. "If it does, you can say 'I told you so.' You would love that. Don't deny it! You loooooove being right all the time. But see, the thing is..." Her lips moved over to his ear, and she whispered like it was a secret. "...you're not."
He shivered pleasantly again. "Is that so?"
"Yep." Her tongue tickled his earlobe. "I was right about us from the beginning."
She loves to claim that, yes... When she started shifting her leg like she was going to straddle him, he hugged her so tight that she couldn't move. "No, baby girl."
She sighed good-naturedly. "I know. Worth a try, though. Hug me as hard as you can -- we still got to do that back there, too!"
He humored her, applying the usual pressure before relaxing again. "Think Karma's gonna make Paul do that all the time now, thanks to you?"
"Probably. I bet you did it harder than he does it, though."
"Well, sure. You're bigger."
"I mean to her. When you did it, she made that weird noise, kinda like the one I make. Then she had to teach Paul, and he still didn't do it right. I think you're just stronger than him."
That may or may not have been true, but it wasn't applicable here. "That noise is how you know where to stop. I don't think I even did it half as hard as I do with you."
"Then he's really a wuss, huh!"
Joel chuckled. "Nah -- he was obviously jus' scared of hurtin' her." If Paul could see me now, he'd be disgusted that I even so much as TOUCHED his daughter, let alone hugged her.
"And you're not scared of hurting me."
"Nope."
"That's not very nice," she pouted.
He chuckled and kissed her pouty lip. "It's just that I'm... prob'ly a bit more familiar with your body."
She giggled. "That has nothing to do with it!"
"Don't it?" He trailed little kisses... down to the 'sweet spot' on her neck, massaging her head with one hand, the small of her back with the other.
"Mmmm... that's different! ...Haha -- poor Fox is looking at us like... what the fuck are you guys doing..."
"He's seen us like this before." Joel lifted his head to follow her gaze to the horse, who had wandered around the front of the jeep, and did indeed appear to be giving them a Look. "But I reckon we're usually real eager to get out of the jeep when we break, an' find him a good little grazin' spot."
"Plenty to graze on here, boy!" Ellie encouraged the horse.
" 'Course, he ain't all that hungry yet 'cause we just barely left."
"He can keep watch for us, then." She cupped Joel's face in her hands, her thumbs stroking his beard while she kissed him... opened her mouth to his...
Although Joel could happily sit there with her all day long to make up for lost time, he forced himself to end it after only a few seconds. "We keep watch. We should get goin'." He patted her thigh. "You good?"
"I guess," she grumbled, but she was smiling when she slid back over to her seat. "You're the one who... couldn't focus. Are you good now?"
He had purposely let her misinterpret that remark... although, as expected, a little bit of lovin' from her had gone a long way toward clearing his head of troubling thoughts. There was no use dwelling on 'what if's and 'what should have been's. He was happy with Ellie, and she was happy with him. Nothing else -- and no one else -- really mattered. "Yeah. I'm good."
~Continue to Chapter 25~
