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Mar. 28th, 2006 08:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12Last night, the inevitable finally happened: A. and I broke up.
It’s been a long time coming. I initiated the Talk of Doom last week (in an email, no less) but with his crazy schedule we didn’t get around to finishing it until last night.
We’re going to stay friends, and no we weren’t "just saying" that. We’ve been through this before. Being friends is what we do best. In the past 6 years, we’ve been just friends for 3 years and boyfriend/girlfriend for 3 years, off and on. Our last breakup was ugly – thanks to me being an idiot – and compared to that, this one was very anticlimactic. Ours is a long distance relationship anyway, so our daily lives are pretty much unchanged. He will still stay with me when he comes down here for work, and I will still help him out at shows (even if "helping him out" is just sitting there writing in my "real" journal most of the time).
I’m not going to hash out all the details here. We were being honest, and the truth hurts sometimes… but things needed to be said. Basically, we’re just wrong for each other. I wonder if this would have happened regardless of whether his mom got sick or not (she’s been battling cancer for a long time, and has required a lot more of his care and attention for the past 6 months). He has one of the healthiest self-esteems I’ve ever encountered, and he knows this wasn’t his fault. I am more likely to look at myself and declare myself a complete fuck-up, a waste of humanity, a poor excuse of a female. I don’t see myself finding anyone who will make me change the way I view myself, or the way I conduct myself, even. But he says there will come a day when I DO meet someone right for me and everything will just click. Towards the end of our conversation we were joking around about this and it didn’t even feel weird.
I’m relieved that I no longer have to worry about being a bad girlfriend to him. Instead, I am a good friend. I will remind myself of this when I feel like a failure. Probably won’t help much, though. Heh.
I’m the most independent, leave-me-alone person that I know. A. is that way to an extent, but not nearly as bad as I am – and our motives are different. Some people marveled at how I could do a long distance relationship for so long – well, for me, it’s ideal. I’m alone most of the time, and that’s how I like it. When we first started dating, though, it was agonizing being away from him. I used to count down the days until I would go up there or he would come down here. I got used to it after awhile, and then I just became completely apathetic. I’ve always been good at amusing myself with various hobbies, fandoms, etc. I’m never bored. There’s so much I’m interested in that I don’t have enough time for. If I have plans with someone and they flake out on me, I don’t even care. I think "good, now I have time to do such-and-such instead." That HAS to be abnormal.
Did I have a point? I don’t remember where I was going with that. Anyhoo – a person like me has no business being in a relationship. Even one as laid-back and free as ours was. I don’t want to get married, I don’t want to have kids. Neither does A. I think he will change his mind about that somewhere down the road (and he has that luxury, being male and having no biological clock). But why be in a relationship that’s going nowhere?
That opens up the can of worms that is my sex rant. I don’t think I’ll go there right now. I’ll just say I consider myself pretty much asexual, and leave it at that.
I hope A. goes out and gets laid – seriously, I do hope this. I don’t think I want to hear about it right away, but I want him to. He deserves it. He’s been through so much this year. But, of course, he doesn’t really have time for such frivolities right now.
It's sprinkling. And the ballgame is today. *sigh* (regular season this wouldn't be a problem, because our ballpark has a retractable roof; but this is a spring training game) Some wussy people don't want to go now. It's only sprinkling, people! Sheesh! Grow some balls! This is Arizona, it never rains for long... usually. *fret fret worry*
It’s been a long time coming. I initiated the Talk of Doom last week (in an email, no less) but with his crazy schedule we didn’t get around to finishing it until last night.
We’re going to stay friends, and no we weren’t "just saying" that. We’ve been through this before. Being friends is what we do best. In the past 6 years, we’ve been just friends for 3 years and boyfriend/girlfriend for 3 years, off and on. Our last breakup was ugly – thanks to me being an idiot – and compared to that, this one was very anticlimactic. Ours is a long distance relationship anyway, so our daily lives are pretty much unchanged. He will still stay with me when he comes down here for work, and I will still help him out at shows (even if "helping him out" is just sitting there writing in my "real" journal most of the time).
I’m not going to hash out all the details here. We were being honest, and the truth hurts sometimes… but things needed to be said. Basically, we’re just wrong for each other. I wonder if this would have happened regardless of whether his mom got sick or not (she’s been battling cancer for a long time, and has required a lot more of his care and attention for the past 6 months). He has one of the healthiest self-esteems I’ve ever encountered, and he knows this wasn’t his fault. I am more likely to look at myself and declare myself a complete fuck-up, a waste of humanity, a poor excuse of a female. I don’t see myself finding anyone who will make me change the way I view myself, or the way I conduct myself, even. But he says there will come a day when I DO meet someone right for me and everything will just click. Towards the end of our conversation we were joking around about this and it didn’t even feel weird.
I’m relieved that I no longer have to worry about being a bad girlfriend to him. Instead, I am a good friend. I will remind myself of this when I feel like a failure. Probably won’t help much, though. Heh.
I’m the most independent, leave-me-alone person that I know. A. is that way to an extent, but not nearly as bad as I am – and our motives are different. Some people marveled at how I could do a long distance relationship for so long – well, for me, it’s ideal. I’m alone most of the time, and that’s how I like it. When we first started dating, though, it was agonizing being away from him. I used to count down the days until I would go up there or he would come down here. I got used to it after awhile, and then I just became completely apathetic. I’ve always been good at amusing myself with various hobbies, fandoms, etc. I’m never bored. There’s so much I’m interested in that I don’t have enough time for. If I have plans with someone and they flake out on me, I don’t even care. I think "good, now I have time to do such-and-such instead." That HAS to be abnormal.
Did I have a point? I don’t remember where I was going with that. Anyhoo – a person like me has no business being in a relationship. Even one as laid-back and free as ours was. I don’t want to get married, I don’t want to have kids. Neither does A. I think he will change his mind about that somewhere down the road (and he has that luxury, being male and having no biological clock). But why be in a relationship that’s going nowhere?
That opens up the can of worms that is my sex rant. I don’t think I’ll go there right now. I’ll just say I consider myself pretty much asexual, and leave it at that.
I hope A. goes out and gets laid – seriously, I do hope this. I don’t think I want to hear about it right away, but I want him to. He deserves it. He’s been through so much this year. But, of course, he doesn’t really have time for such frivolities right now.
It's sprinkling. And the ballgame is today. *sigh* (regular season this wouldn't be a problem, because our ballpark has a retractable roof; but this is a spring training game) Some wussy people don't want to go now. It's only sprinkling, people! Sheesh! Grow some balls! This is Arizona, it never rains for long... usually. *fret fret worry*
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no subject
Date: 2006-03-28 08:18 am (UTC)I foresee being single for a looooooooong time, maybe forever. Sorry, parental units. There are worse things!
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Date: 2006-03-28 08:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-28 09:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-28 09:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-28 08:30 am (UTC)/bitter
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Date: 2006-03-28 08:48 am (UTC)That's okay, your new boy will be soooo much better than that asshat.
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Date: 2006-03-28 11:01 am (UTC)Whee, I'm better now, I swear. I need to start working on my lists. I think I'll do some of that tonight. *nod* I also need to make favors. Maybe I'll do that tonight too. >.>
/random
(See, this is my way of being helpful. I mention 'The Issue' then I'm hopelessly random and confusing for a while to get your mind off things. *is probably not helpful at all really*)
no subject
Date: 2006-03-28 08:47 am (UTC)HUGS! Sorry... *blush*
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Date: 2006-03-28 08:49 am (UTC)Thanks, sweetie. I know you don't hand out e-hugs very often either so I feel special :)
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Date: 2006-03-28 09:03 am (UTC)Anyhoo, *hugs again*!
Ani: *hugs too*
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Date: 2006-03-28 09:16 am (UTC)*hugs Ani and gropes him*
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Date: 2006-03-28 09:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-28 09:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-28 09:17 am (UTC)poke me online
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Date: 2006-03-28 09:18 am (UTC)Will do - but I won't be on AIM until tomorrow night. Eep! I can't get AIM Express to work on my work computer... which is probably a good thing, really.
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Date: 2006-03-28 09:20 am (UTC)also ICON!
*V for Vendetta joy*
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Date: 2006-03-28 09:59 am (UTC)I don't know what else to say, so from me to you *hug*
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Date: 2006-03-29 08:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-28 10:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-28 10:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-29 08:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-28 10:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-29 08:10 am (UTC)I like e-hugs better than real hugs. What a dork I am.
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Date: 2006-03-29 10:36 pm (UTC)I wish you the best whether you stay married to Star Wars ;), find another introvert to see on occasion or somehow end up with a passel of kids!? (Because no matter what, we women are supposed to breed :/. Heh, I get it all the time too, though people expect it less as I'm gay. Um, yes I 'became' gay as my womb and ability to adopt were destroyed!? WTF?)
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Date: 2006-03-29 11:07 pm (UTC)YES WE MUST USE OUR WOMBS!!!! Heh. I'd like to rip mine out - damn useless thing. Why bleed every month if you're never going to reproduce?
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Date: 2006-03-29 11:24 pm (UTC)Lol I used to think that, but I would like to still have my womb, just in case I have the sudden urge to 'pop one out' at 30 or something...I've always kind of wanted a son, I don't love kids as a rule, but he'd be my little minion child. Plus it's kind of cool knowing that I can build a little human inside me. Stuff penis envy, I think men have womb envy!
(Though yeah PMS ain't fun, but being Pagan I have a slightly different view on the whole deal, that you don't need to hear! Especailly not as you are going through a break-up.) Oh well, Hayden DVD's will make you feel better, yes?
(Now in newer, shiny-er, edited comment form...)
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Date: 2006-03-30 06:34 am (UTC)I'm curious about the Pagan view of Aunt Flo if you wouldn't mind enlightening me?
Wow.
Date: 2006-04-03 10:53 pm (UTC)Re: Wow.
Date: 2006-04-03 11:15 pm (UTC)How are you? I hope to see an update from you soon!
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Date: 2009-04-01 01:11 am (UTC)That is only true if you make it true, and saying it does that.
I'm not going to commiserate on your break up since it happened years ago!
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Date: 2009-04-01 02:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-02 01:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-02 04:07 am (UTC)See, if only I had known you back then! lol
If you hadn't noticed, I'm not quite so self-deprecating these days. Because I'm smart enough to stay single!
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Date: 2009-04-02 11:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-29 01:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-29 03:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-30 01:57 am (UTC)And, apparently, both spellings are used...at least they are at the Urban Dictionary.
I didn't look for shnookums-wookums though!!!
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Date: 2009-09-30 05:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-30 10:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-03 04:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-29 12:15 am (UTC)**heads off to call 911!!!!**
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Date: 2009-09-29 02:29 am (UTC)LOL Gail and I talked today about being a mistress. We both said we wouldn't stand for that, except I said "only if it's Dr. Hottie, I'd put up with it for him" and she was like pfffft... I told her she totally would if it was Jack Sparrow (not Johnny Depp, but JACK SPARROW in particular, though she is a huge fan of Johnny's)... and she admitted she would for a while but not for long. I call shenanigans.
Oh, I'll have to post you a nice pic of the doc I found. Maybe next comment back to this. lol
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Date: 2009-09-29 02:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-29 04:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-30 11:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-30 08:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-30 11:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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