It

[lumy12]

Title: "It"
Fandom: Star Wars
Characters: dark!Anakin/Padmé
Prompt: fanfic50's #47 - Creep
Word Count: 668
Rating: R
Summary: An Anakin vignette, told in second person (I don't think I've done that yet here?)
Author's Notes: It's dark. And it's thanks to a fic albumsontheside posted recently which reminded me of this idea that's been kicking around in my brain for a while.


You awaken before she does. Drained as she is by the leech in her belly, and given the restless nature of your own sleep these days, this doesn’t surprise you. You want to wrap your arms around her and hold her tightly, keep her here and real and alive, the possessive action screaming a silent “fuck you” to the insidious visions.

But you don’t. It’s still early, and she needs her rest. You creep out of bed, careful not to disturb her. She’s so delicate now; you’re almost afraid to touch her. Last night, she wanted you to, but you couldn’t. Not with it ever there, lurking, waiting for the opportunity to make your visions a reality…and to make this all the more your fault.

Truthfully, if anyone’s to blame, it’s her. She was careless. Or was she? Did she want this to happen? You have your suspicions. You tried to act pleased when she told you; you smiled, you said it was wonderful, that you’d never been happier. All lies. She knew it, too, you could tell… but she needed to believe them.

It’s not that you don’t ever want to be a father -- just not yet. It’s too soon. You’re not ready. You weren’t expecting this. The galaxy’s still at war. It’s not the right time.

You look out across the early morning skylane traffic at the place you should be right now: the Jedi Temple, regally silhouetted in the golden glow of the rising sun. How will you ever explain this to the Council? How infuriating it is that you’ve been conditioned to feel ashamed for ordinary acts such as taking a wife and starting a family. After the war ends, when you’ve fulfilled your destiny by destroying the Sith… how could they deny you then? You’ll make them realize how outdated the Code is.

Unless it has its way, trading her life for its own.

She stirs, and you turn around to watch her wake, the sunlight illuminating her pretty face. She calls for you. Asks if you’re all right. She’s so beautiful, so precious, scrunching her face to squint at the light, her rich brown locks in disarray.

You lie, of course. Say all is well. And you sit beside her, smiling, basking in the love you feel emanating from her through the Force. You would do anything to protect her… from the war, from the visions… even from it.

It kicks her. She presses your hand to her distended abdomen, excited to share this with you. You know how desperate she is for you to experience her joy, to embrace this life the two of you have created… you feel sick. But you smile at her and feign enthusiasm. You feel it push up against her hard belly (it used to be so soft). You know you should be marveling at the sensation; instead, you find yourself thinking how simple it would be to snuff out this threat right now.

Your hand clenches slightly. Your false smile fades as you feel the Force surging through you, electrifying you in a way you’ve never felt before, and it’s so vibrantly there, at your fingertips, awaiting your command…as if the Force seeks to obey you.

The look on your face scares her, and her alarm shatters the unholy connection. What came over you? It’s wrong, so wrong -- you should be the obedient one, ever the servant to the will of the Force. And how could you even think of…

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You back away from her – from it. You mumble a half-hearted apology, something about needing to get to the Temple at once. You dress yourself quickly, haphazardly, and she watches you with big, sorrowful eyes. She’s upset, wondering what’s wrong, and your hasty reassurances don’t set her mind at ease. You’ll deal with it later. When you’re stronger… when you’ve figured things out. You just hope you can get out of there before the tears come.

Comments

[luminations.livejournal.com]

"Ouch" is probably the appropriate reaction...?

It's okay, you can't leave long articulate uberbrilliant comments EVERY time ;)

Yay Luke love!

[luminations.livejournal.com]

And not one of your faves :) it's okay, you don't have to like everything!

Hmm, "raw and immediate" - that's good! I wrote it in a fairly short amount of time and didn't tinker with it much.

LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKE!

[luminations.livejournal.com]

Oh! Hehe. More FUBAR!Ani O.o I'm...glad he makes you uncomfortable? (lol, it is a bit awkward talking about this fic)

This one's been in my head since at least November '07. I looked at the prompt for the ff50 claim where I went for fluff instead of dark, and I mentioned "I originally was gonna go a different way with this..." and that was the date on it. Hee! What else can I scrape out of there?

...and I think I'm almost out of Luke icons now >.>

[luminations.livejournal.com]

Oh! Yay! Thanks!

deals with squicky subjects without implying that they somehow aren't squicky
I don't know how anyone could make this subject seem NOT squicky... the only example of such a thing I can really think of that I've seen in fic is rape. And I tend to not read those fics, I just hear about them in rants :)

(does this count as a Luke icon? xD)

[luminations.livejournal.com]

And I didn't even have to bust out THIS one!

Never enough icon space. I cheat by having multiple LJ accounts! (you do too, but the Anabasis journal doesn't REALLY count, so.)

[jcbpeaches.livejournal.com]

Whoa! Neat.

[jcbpeaches.livejournal.com]

(Eloquent comment is eloquent.)

[luminations.livejournal.com]

*slurps you!*

It's a good companion piece to yours?

LOL EXCEPT NOT RLY.

[zigsternenstaub.livejournal.com]

I like this, precisely because it addresses some of the problems I have with the whole baby thing. You could tell from the start that Anakin wasn't terribly happy about the idea, but Padmé appeared to be living in fantasy land. What did she think was going to happen? Where were they going to live? How were they going to raise this child when she would have to give up her job if she wanted to be a full time mother, and ANAKIN HAS NO SALARY. He's a Jedi. Oy.

And despite the three million fanfics out there in which the Council has no problem with this and allows Anakin to remain a Jedi, I really can't see that happening. They'd kick him out faster than you can say 'Jedi Code.'

And then where would they be? In a lot of ways, even if Anakin hadn't become Sith, the kids were a lot better off being raised by Bail and Breha Organa and Owen and Beru Lars than they ever would have been with their deluded parents.

I also like the writing, the helplessness, the desperation and self-deluding nature of this piece. Nice!

[luminations.livejournal.com]

Whoa, thank you for reading! (I know the pairing's not your cup of tea!)

I'm so glad you like it! I was a bit afraid the only reaction I'd get was "OMG WUT WERE YOU THINKING, U NEED TO BE LOCKED UP U SICKO" and the like.

Yeah, logistically, they weren't really in the best place to have kids, nope! They had more stuff to work out than most people would. I'm betting they could have gone to Padme's family and been taken care of (and Anakin could go work as a mechanic or something)... but it would be a hard transition for them. Of course, Palpatine could always put them up too. lolz

[luminations.livejournal.com]

AHAHA

I couldn't do it without it being total crack :)

(I need a Ani/Padme/Palps icon, why does no one make these? :D)

[luminations.livejournal.com]

It sounds like a multi-chaptered piece to me, and I suck at those! :D

I don't think they are either, unless you count the end of TPM - the parade? But they're not close enough to icon! Someone would have to manip it so.

[luminations.livejournal.com]

Oh I forgot about the RotS deleted scene! They DO all appear together, but the icon would probably have them all tiny since Padme was sitting across from Palps and Anakin was behind him.

I don't know where you'd get screencaps of that, though. No biggie.

...I should probably start working now. lol

[ansketil-rose.livejournal.com]

'...since Padme was sitting across from Palps and Anakin was behind him..."

That makes me think the naughty thoughts! >_<

Great fic, lumy! That moment of tension with Anakin's hands over her belly - scary as hell. Squick, but very, very good squick. *claps*

[luminations.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! <3 Glad it scared ya! Definitely one of the creepiest things I've written. Most of my Anakin/Padme stuff is fluffy. (hell, most of my Palpakin is fluffy too, hehe)

[zigsternenstaub.livejournal.com]

See, I just can't see Anakin ever settling down as a mechanic or something for long. He'd probably try it for a month or two, taken with the novelty, but let's not forget that he was a power hungry bugger. Sooner or later (sooner rather than later, I expect) he'd be looking for more.

[luminations.livejournal.com]

True, there's only so much he could do with being a mechanic. Maybe own his own place, or a chain, or whatever... but nothing universe-changing. Not the "life of conscience" that Palpatine so wisely realized he was seeking.

[zigsternenstaub.livejournal.com]

See, that's the problem. And what with his fame, and his ego the size of seven planets at this point, along with his total lack of self-esteem...er. This is a recipe for galactic disaster.

[luminations.livejournal.com]

Kinda strange how someone with such a huge ego can have self-esteem issues... but he wouldn't have fallen into Palpatine's trap if he hadn't!

Speaking of Palpatine... IT'S TIME FOR THE WEEKLY SYNERGY UPDATE! *naggity nag nag*

[zigsternenstaub.livejournal.com]

Er, yeah, about Synergy...guess I should start writing again, eh? I've been getting loads of reviews, which have sustained my enthusiasm for the story, but I've been having a blah week.

I'll get back to it very soon. Promise:)

[luminations.livejournal.com]

Yes you should! *cracks whip*

(hehe, nevermind that you could fit 5-10 of my little fics that I write about once a month inside ONE of your Synergy chapters... I CAN NAG YOU ANYWAY :P)

I take it the reviews are coming from ff.net and not UP. lol

[zigsternenstaub.livejournal.com]

Yes you should! *cracks whip*

Oh, baby, you know how to get me to work! :D

I take it the reviews are coming from ff.net and not UP. lol

Lol, yes.

[noctaval.livejournal.com]

That is awesome. And scary.

Anakin reminds me of, like, a little child who finds out his mother his pregnant with another child, and wants the interloper gone.

[luminations.livejournal.com]

Yeah, like a jealous sibling... I could see Anakin in that role. Thank you for reading and commenting! Glad you like it ~

[gizzi1213.livejournal.com]

This perfectly shows the slow descent that Anakin was making toward the dark side. The best part is the story does so without being heavy handed, but with perfectly selected words. I love the use of the word "leech" right from the start, a term you would not expect to find use by a "happy" expectant father for his unborn child. That ambivalence toward the child is repeated over and over again by repeatedly referring to the child as "it", and not in the way that some people do because they don't know the gender of the child, therefore, don't know which pronoun to use. No, Anakin's use of "it" is fully intended to keep the child impersonal, distant, and apart from himself and Padme.

Anakin's nature of lack of responsibility is also nicely shown in his speculation that Padme was "careless" and "want[ed] this to happen." Very typical of Anakin to try to avoid the consequences of his own actions.

The fall to the dark side is not yet complete, and hints of the sweet side of Anakin are still trying to assert themselves. He recognizes that he should be subservient to the force, not the other way around. And, most notably, he is appalled when he realizes where his thoughts had taken him and what action those thoughts almost led him too. He's appalled, can't believe he'd even think of such a thing...

...and we the reader know how unthinking, how merciless, Anakin will be in a very short time towards the most innocent of all. Very chilling.

Very nicely done, Wendy!

[luminations.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, Deborah! You are so spot on with your observations, that's exactly what I intended to convey with Anakin's character. I'm glad it came across. He's not a completely heartless monster, but he's definitely not connected to the baby the way Padme is and views it as a threat to Padme. I'm glad you picked up on the "leech" thing -- that was deliberately placed at the beginning!

And the second person thing doesn't seem to bother folks the way I thought it might. (I think it can be annoying sometimes in fic too) I'm not sure why I felt like doing this one that way, it just felt... creepier, I guess?

[gizzi1213.livejournal.com]

I think second person was perfect for this story, it allowed the Anakin character to step outside the action, furthering his disconnect with both Padme and the child. Had the story been told first person he'd have been more initimately involved with the action and that would defeat the other hints regarding his separation, such as the leech comment.

LOL...I LOVED the leech comment since I've said more than once that a fetus is nothing more than a parasite until it's born.

[luminations.livejournal.com]

Cool! So you knew what I was doing even when I didn't. LOL

One of my LJ buds refers to children as endoparasites before they're born, and ectoparasites after. (can you tell she's science-minded? and child-free. lol)

Yay, I'm famous :D

[albumsontheside.livejournal.com]

Oh. Oh ... wow.

That's really ... I have nothing to say, I ... wow.

Oh my bloody god and wow.

(My coherence will return to me later. Have a Luke icon.)

You are indeedy!

[luminations.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

I still haven't read all your stuff... but thanks for inadvertently reminding me that I wanted to write this! lol

Yay Luke!

[emavalexis.livejournal.com]

Goddamn, Wendy. This might be the darkest piece of yours that I've ever read and it's fucking brilliant. You really managed to get to the root of that darkness inside of Anakin, that crucial tipping point just before he stepped completely off the ledge.

Chilling and so so fucking good.

*adds to memories*

[luminations.livejournal.com]

Thank you! It struck me as something YOU might write, actually :) cuz I do so love your creepy Ani/Padme stuff ♥

[frostbit-sky.livejournal.com]

That was very scary. I wouldn't normally see Anakin as being angry/upset about becoming a father. Scared shitless - yes LOL but he'd be hopeful, so this was an interesting dark and very creepy twist.

It broke my heart when Padmé noticed the look on his face and he skiddaled out of there before she could cry.

This was my favorite part:
How infuriating it is that you’ve been conditioned to feel ashamed for ordinary acts such as taking a wife and starting a family. After the war ends, when you’ve fulfilled your destiny by destroying the Sith… how could they deny you then? You’ll make them realize how outdated the Code is.

[luminations.livejournal.com]

thank you! I don't really think this was how Anakin viewed the baby either (Force, I hope not!) but it was fun toexplore the possibilities. The baby WAS a threat to padme's life according to his visions, after all.

thanks for the comment! <3

[frostbit-sky.livejournal.com]

fun toexplore the possibilities

That is why fan fic rocks.

How is your hand? How was the operation?

[luminations.livejournal.com]

heh, i make strange spacebar typos now!

it's good! operation went well but its gonna be a looooooong road back to normalcy. i didn't realize how much it would affect my whole hand! i'll post the full report when i can type again :) thanks for asking!!!

[frostbit-sky.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear it went well. Rest the hand and let it get strong again :D
(don't need to respond to this) ttys.

[yenneffer.livejournal.com]

I loved it! It's brilliant- from the title, the way Anakin thinks about his child as it- and you just can feel the italics in his thoughts. Chilling. And then the realisation of his power- the power he wanted to have so that he could save people, and that it can be used to kill his child... Yes, Anakin is a chilling character.

And how he was forced to lie to her, and argues with himself that time isn't right? I always thought Anakin was not ready- he was 23, he was a soldier, plagued by the horrors of war, and still- still young enough to lust for adventure, action. He just isn't the one to settle down, and such responsibilities would have destroyed him.
Sure, he loved Padme, and always dreamed of coming back to her when he was away, but I don't think he'd have been content to just live at her side at peace. It wouldn't have been enough- he was a boy who won a podrace, who wanted to visit all the planetary systems, who became a Jedi. The talks of going away to Naboo, living peacefully together- they were dreams, beautiful, but unrealistic and for neither of them. Just some beautiful words to ease their consciences.

All in all, it was perfect :) I really, really loved it- and I know what fic prompted you into writing this piece. I love me some darkfics! Both fics are great!

Yen

[luminations.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I love it when people take the time to look at my older fics (and to comment!). And I'm especially glad this one gave you the creeps ;)

I think perhaps this fic was pushing it a bit... that even if he WASN'T ready to be a father, he wouldn't be so cold towards his unborn child... but who's to say the dark side DIDN'T take hold of his thoughts in that regard?

Thanks again for your comment! ♥