"I wonder if he really cares about anything or anyone besides himself"

[lumy12]

((I think I might have messed up that ANH quote slightly? Someone correct me?))

I'm kinda just babbling to no one in particular here. When I say "you" I'm referring to different friends in different instances.

You know what? I don't answer to you or anyone else. I'm a selfish bitch, and I don't really give a fuck. I do what I want, when I want, where I want.

Yes, with that said, I'm responsible enough to go to work. I hate job-hunting and don't plan on losing my job - I also like being able to pay my bills and buy more dvds I'll probably never get around to watching.

But my free time is my own. I'm probably not considered anti-social in the clinical sense, but I'm definitely hermit-like. I'm getting worse in my old age.

If I want to spend the entire fucking weekend on the computer, I can do this. I'm not hurting anyone. If I don't feel like answering the goddamn phone, I can do this. If you don't leave me a message, I'm going to assume it's not important. And even if you do leave me a message, I'll call when I'm ready to handle whatever you're throwing at me. GOD I hate the phone. I don't even turn my cell phone on every day. Sometimes I wonder why I keep it - but it is convenient when I'm out. It's all about my convenience, not yours.

Did I mention I'm a selfish bitch? Yes, yes, I am.

Also, get this through your skulls: I do not want a boyfriend. I don't need your pity, I don't need you thinking I'm a freak, I just need you to accept that my path is different from yours and from most people's on the planet. I'm bitchy right now, yes, but really I'm not bitter about this. I am choosing it. If I wanted a boyfriend, I would put myself out there and jump through all the appropriate hoops, play all the little games and whatnot. Fuck that. I don't want to have sex, I don't want anyone touching me even in a non-sexual way, really (Hayden Christensen excluded. Rawr!) - so what's the point of dating? I can be a friend. That's all. And not even a very good one at that (see above rant about selfishness).

I'm bitchy right now but in general, I'm probably more content than most people on the planet. That is definitely not the case when I'm in a relationship. Do you think maybe that's a clue? I do.

Okay, I feel a little better. Glad I got that rant out. Thanks for reading.

Comments

Re: crazy bitch

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Aww. You're a sweetheart. I'm more passive-aggressive bitchy, really. That's why I don't answer the phone when I don't want to talk, rather than answer it and say "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

I really should answer my phone at work a little more though. People must think I'm ALWAYS away from my desk. Heh.

I had a good guy and still couldn't make it work sooooooo I think I'm a hopeless cause. I truly have no interest in fixing myself in such a way to be more capable of relationships either. But YOU have a better attitude and WANT it so... I hope someone special comes along soon.

P.S. Did you ever settle on a Yahoo name?

Re: crazy bitch

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Um - no, trust me, it was all me.

Nap!!!!!!!

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Ha! None of those are worth the time and effort. I get plenty of free food as it is, since I keep letting "the boys" stay in my house when they're in town. Mutually beneficial.

I can say "no" - it just tends to annoy people. Even people who understand my eccentricities.

[azurien.livejournal.com]

what boyfriend could compete with the lifesize cardboard Anakin? i am going to buy one of Jack then i will be single forever!

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

I know, right? Hee!
Just make sure you get all the traveling out of your system first :P
*huggles the Kate*

[azurien.livejournal.com]

hmmm so ok sorry this is completely OT but are you friends with nelliedrum? she was on my list and posted about wanting a Padme costume but i guess i'm not on hers anymore so i couldn't comment her. *makes Yoda hmmm noise* well anyway..maybe you could recommend me if you are friends with her.

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Yes! She actually asked me where I got my dress and I just said "a friend made it" because I thought you didn't want to do it anymore after that whole fiasco :) But I will highly recommend you. sweet_panda is a costumer and she looked at it and said it was well-made, too. "Professional" praise!

[azurien.livejournal.com]

lol no i have turned over a new leaf i am not a fiasco anymore! do you see i am going to sew something at the beginning of August! the next one i am making is the Brown Choking Dress as i like to call it!! :) btw watch out for that serial killer!! see staying indoors is healthy and wise!! did i tell you i am moving to Los Angeles in a couple wks! then i will be nearby.....one hop skip and a desert away!

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Did I miss an entry or something? I didn't hear about that dress OR your move. Yay L.A. - I thought Cali was too expensive though?
And our serial killer is national news? I'm impressed. I usually don't vary my routines for stuff like that but I actually haven't been going to the store at night like I usually do in the summer... just in case. Heh.

[azurien.livejournal.com]

oh yeah i just decided that this week and i didn't write about it. cuz i saw a nice brown suede at the store. yeah Cali is too expensive to buy a house so i am going to just rent a nice apt until i meet a rich actor and he buys me one. yeah my mom saw it on the news and told me. we had those once and i'd be like getting gas all fast being like "no too risky for a Twix!!" jumping back in the car.

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

When you become a famous actress and get in tight with Hayden, just remember the little people!

Fellow Hermit

[meli-in-sac.livejournal.com]

Kind of funny (strange funny, not ha ha funny). You are hands down my most longest-known friend (I think we met in like 1983 or 1984 or something...whenever the 4th grade began) and I don't think you have missed a birthday card yet. I can't say the same about me. Yet it's not like we "chat" all the time (or ever) on the phone or anything... I think defining "good friend" is tough. When you want to be there, you are. When you don't want to, you don't. Maybe selfishness ain't a bad thing....maybe it's just consciously rejecting co-dependence.

And the boyfriend thing.... I think it scares other people because it's not what THEY have chosen. Everyone is scared of "the other."

And I also hate the phone. I hate it more and more as I grow older. My cell phone has 2 messages on it that I haven't even listened to. I know who they are from, and I'll call them eventually (one is, of course, my mother).

I don't deal with the "boyfriend" nagging from others, but I do deal with the fact that I will be inviting so many fewer people to the wedding than J. will. I find myself trying to come up with an alternative comeback to "I just don't like very many people."

I think your ranting is healthy, fellow hermit. :)

Re: Fellow Hermit

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Aww - yeah, I AM a good friend when it comes to not forgetting birthdays and stuff like that. Not so much when it comes to calling people and saying "Let's go do something!" because, if left alone, I'd probably never leave the house and be perfectly content with it.

I have a friend leaving me messages on my cell and at work - not on my own voicemail, mind you, but with the receptionist - I HATE that. I don't mind people leaving messages on my direct line, but don't bother the receptionist, that's so uncool. And she doesn't say anything in her messages so I don't know what she wants - but she only calls me when she wants SOMEthing. I'm afraid it's going to be something I really don't want to do. *sigh*

Guess I'll bite the bullet and call her back today. And I'll be honest and say I've been "in a mood" rather than "I was out of town." Heh.

Yay for phone-hating!!!

[(Anonymous)]

I guess it's time for me to be the jerk again in your hugfest here.

Tough love time: look, I think you and I are failing. Failing at life. You can say you're content, but that's not what life is supposed to be about. You're taking the easy way out, and so have I. That's not a good thing. That is not living life to the fullest.

What is more important in this world than love? Nothing - so abandoning the "game" or whatever it can be called is not a good thing.

Sure, it feels like it's impossible to find. But if it were that easy, then it wouldn't be so incredible, would it? Loving someone brings a lot of heartache, but at least that's extreme emotion - you can channel that kind of power into art. So it's worth fighting for, and if you're lucky enough to experience the best parts of it, then you get the most incredible highs that nothing else in the world can bring. You know that already.

You and I are both settling down with mediocre jobs, not careers. We're not chasing dreams, and that's sad to me. We're still young enough to change that, but because of the state of contentment, we don't. Let's say we wake up tomorrow and I'm 44 and you're 45, both in the same exact place we're each in today - is that what you want? I guess you're saying it is. That makes me sad.

To simplify things, maybe it all goes back to sexdrive. I have the automatic male sexdrive whether I want it or not, it's there. So maybe that's the underlying factor that keeps me thinking about wanting love with the right girl, whereas you have shutdown and have zero drive, so you can convince yourself that you don't want a boyfriend at all. Maybe your medication is contributing to the shutdown, or maybe it's some bad past experiences with bf's - I dunno, but it saddens me. You still have your Hayden fixation, so the potential is still there, you're just expressing the desire for love the way a 12 yr old girl might.

I don't know what the answer is, but I'm trying to tell you to not give up on love. It's too important to abandon. I don't want us to look back on life years from now and fret at wasting it away. Our parents are nice people, so they never properly kicked our asses about anything, thus, we end up as nice people who settle for contentment. I don't think that's what life should be. It's a good, healthy thing to not be desperate to have any mate (regardless of compatibility, excitement, etc.) at all just to have one, but please don't give up the search completely.

Love,

Stad

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Yay I got you to comment! Tough love, eh? You're not so tough. This won't be as coherent as your post but I'll give it a go.

I'm reminded of the guy you used to work with... who was so content with all his toys and stuff and was just... HAPPY. (he was somewhat developmentally disabled though if I remember correctly?) That's me. I like to blame the meds, yes... but I don't really know what causes it. One thing I know is I haven't had a suicidal urge in almost 3 years now. Since going on the meds. I still get in my moods, like everyone does, but I don't stay depressed for weeks at a time now. So if I have to choose between having a sex drive and not wanting to kill myself, I'm going to choose the latter.

Not having any desire for sex whatsoever is a blessing to me. Sex is soooo unnecessary. And now I don't have to feel guilty of depriving Aaron of it. He can go out and get laid whenever he wants. Still feels like he tiptoes around the whole "new girlfriend" thing with me, but he doesn't have to, I really am happy he found someone besides me - and I don't wish I were her or anything like that. I'm not bitter.

So why are you sad for me? Because you want me to get married and have kids? I couldn't handle it, I'm telling you. I'm not like everyone else. I feel guilty not giving the parental units some grandkids but... well, that's not a good enough reason to have kids and get trapped in a life I don't want.

I'm going to tell Dad about Aaron and I breaking up, though. It's ridiculous that I haven't told them yet. I still have a hard time telling them anything that would be taken as negative. Like how I dropped out of college and didn't tell them for months. How fucked up was it that I still kept getting up and "going to class" *snicker* Yes, I'm a horrible person.

I could probably babble more but I'll shut up now.
Love,
Stad

Re: xxxooo

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Aww, thanks sweetie! I'll have to come visit you some time and totally use you for your pool.

I need more Firefly icons.

*hugs*

[(Anonymous)]

A few more points:

-You might not get married or have kids; you may be set against doing those things. But some people will say that and then things change when the right person/circumstances come along. What makes me sad is if you stop considering romantic possibilities with anyone.

-George (the guy content with his toys you referred to) is not exactly the model you should live your life by! He was content most of the time, but he also chose to deal with his lack of success with girls by staying in denial, not addressing the problem. If any of us would talk about anything serious like love, he would refuse to partake in those discussions, and if we probed him about it, he would answer that he tries not to think about that stuff cuz it's too depressing.

-Finally, and most important of all, Lost and Delirious is NOT A LESBIAN MOVIE! You should watch it some time so you see what I mean. Screw Lifetime! And it's okay to get away from the goddamn comp for two hours to watch a frikkin movie once in awhile y'know!

-Stad

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Hey! Go to bed, you're gonna be late for work!

I've barely been online all week, it feels like. Boooooo. I'm thinking of taking a dvd up to the mountains since my laptop plays them nicely... Dad didn't seem put off by that idea, but it does kinda feel like cheating somehow. I dunno. I can watch movies down here. I should WRITE when I'm up there because I have a hard time focusing down here.

I don't WANT romance, though. I'm not like you! Maybe I "got it out of my system" or something. Perhaps later in life I'll meet some guy who hates touching and being touched and we'll hit it off.