~Don't talk to me about being alone~

[lumy12]

I want to babble about a few things but I'm afraid they'll be all cryptically annoying.

How about I sum it up by saying "history repeats itself." And... that usually means not in a good way.

Whoops, that's cryptic, isn't it. Oh well, DEAL! :P

So, back to an earlier "cryptic" post about being the same person I was 10 years ago... I'm kinda nostalgic right now for the person I was before that. But more like... 17 years ago. (OMG I'm old) I'm having my mom send over a pic of that person that was me, one of the few pics of myself that I actually like, and will post it for you when I get it Wed. so you can all go "OMG you look the same!" which will be a lie but a very sweet lie so if you're so inclined, feel free! lol

I just deleted this whole bitchy paragraph. Maybe I'm taking gizzi1213's NO WHINING law to heart. Ha!

Oh right so I was going to post about Friday. I had my "training" session with my grandma (who is now 2 years + 2 months shy of 100 years old!) so I can relieve my dad and we can both go up to the mountains this year, alternating days with some overlap. Real thing will be this weekend. If it goes well, this will probably be a monthly occurrence for the rest of the summer. Certain things are... well, not pleasant, but really no worse than cleaning up after my cats. I'm really not so worried about that as I am at messing up her routine, forgetting something important... and of course, something going wrong. My dad takes suuuuch good care of her and catering to the schedule she's on. I was really impressed by that, actually. I should have known; I mean, I got my anal-retentive tendencies from his side!

She wants me to pluck her eyebrows. LOL that's cute. She doesn't leave the house for anything, what does she need plucked eyebrows for? But heck, I can handle that.

Before she went to bed she smiled at me and said "I hope I'm not a problem" and my heart just melted. I hugged her and promised her it was fine, I had the time and Brian could take care of my cats while I was with her so no problem! I know she feels like a burden and she wonders why she's still alive (I know why! It's because she can still EAT like whoa! A good healthy appetite, she has)... heh, she said "If I were still in Jersey I'd be dead long ago" - she thinks the air out here is better for her.

It's sad, though, because she really doesn't want to still be alive. She can barely move and she sleeps most of the time. We put our animals to sleep when they're suffering too much but not our humans.

Anyway... hopefully she doesn't try to talk about why I don't have a boyfriend/husband/don't I want to have kids/omg the clock is ticking you're getting old/etc. Even with my usual glib responses I give to such things, it still rattles the "there's something wrong with you" part of my soul. And yes, there is something wrong with me, because if there wasn't, I would be completely okay with that, and I'm not.

Oy - I don't really want to get into all that here though.

So... yeah, no interwebz this weekend at all. That will be good for me. It's part of the reason I enjoy going up there, getting away from everything. No TV, no phone, no nothing! And this will be the first time I've been up there by myself for any amount of time (we're overlapping on Saturday but Dad leaves Saturday night and I leave Sunday afternoon)... that will be a little strange for me.

...I think this is the first time I've ever used the "lonely" mood, because while I'm often alone I'm not often lonely. I can't remember the last time, in fact. It feels bizarre. I have my kitties here keeping me company, though :)

Okay, I think I can probably try to sleep again now. Good night, f-list!

Comments

[raven-annabelle.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

*hugs back!*

[kevthejedi.livejournal.com]

Sleep tight!

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

I tried and failed, but thanks! Ugh, I see another coffee-all-day day looming in front of me.

[(Anonymous)]

"Fretless," another one of my many faves. My friend imported ALL of my R.E.M. CDs over the past couple nights, so now he can hear them in chronological order and hear all of the great gems from every album!

-Stad

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Correct, of course. And you already know the one I'm going to post for tomorrow's post, which I suppose I could keep unlocked long enough for you to see since you're all about getting on the computer these days ;) but meh, you don't need to see it cuz you've seen it.

[emavalexis.livejournal.com]

Wendy, I know you don't want to get into it here, so suffice it to say, re: the whole 'why don't you have a boyfriend/husband/kids'/'something wrong with you' thing: I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND. Because, as you know, I'm in the same place in that respect.

As for your grandmother, yeah, I also understand that to a degree, from a combination of work and personal experience. My grandmother was (only) 85 when she passed away a few years back and she was mobile and lucid (lived on her own with no assistance) right to the end. But her health WAS deteriorating, in terms of her heart and circulatory system and she was getting sick of getting short of breath, having chest pain, and taking handfuls of pills every day. She told the whole family about two or three years before she died that she was ready to go. I specifically remember a conversation I had with her in which she said, 'Getting old is no fun, Michele.' She was really unhappy those last few years, which breaks my heart.

Like you said, we do the compassionate thing for our animals, but not our humans.

At any rate, though, this might be a really nice bonding experience for you and your grandmother, time that I think you'll really cherish in spite of the not-so-pleasant aspects. :)

*hugsssss*

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

♥ I suppose all of us "women of a certain age" experience that. I don't think we're in the same place, though - I think your place is filled with possibilities!

Awww, sorry about your grandma. And mine says things like that too! "I hope YOU never have to go through this." -what do you say to that? "Yeah I hope so too, sorry it sucks so bad for you!" Heh.

*hugs back!*

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Thank you, you're sweet... but you do realize you barely know me, yes? OH HOW I HAVE YOU FOOLED!

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

O.o

Do you? How?

Was I closing you out?

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

So perceptive you are.

What am I gonna do with you?

Heh. Second day functioning on crappy sleep should be interesting. There was no reason I shouldn't have been able to sleep last night - I didn't even nap for 2 hours yesterday.

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

I'll be okay. You're the one with the sucky life, remember? ;) Except it really doesn't suck, you know. It frustrates you but you're with people you love every day.

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Cheap and easy? Hmmm. Didn't mean it to sound that way. Just stating a fact.

Hey, aren't you supposed to be hiding today? You said you weren't going to be online at all. (happy birthday again :)

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

I'm not angry with you, I'm angry with me.

I'll email you after I go feed the kitties here...

*hugs* I'm sorry :(

And I do want to see your post!!!

P.S. Thanks for the "therapy sessions." *snicker* I think we're both feeling better now! ♥ *hugs'n'squeezes*

[minimery.livejournal.com]

I'm sure she will love the time you all spend together. I hope things go well and you have an okay time getting away from everything.

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm looking forward to it.

[bitter-moss.livejournal.com]

She doesn't leave the house for anything, what does she need plucked eyebrows for? it might be because she hasn't completely given up on life, that she still cares a little in how she looks for herself, and for those who come to her home and see her. Keeping up with grooming suggests a little self-care/respect to me :).

And **hugs**

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

I suppose that has something to do with it! But I can't even SEE any funkiness with her eyebrows so I'm not sure what she's talking about, what's annoying her so much.

*hugs back*

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

I understand that there should be strict laws and rules and what-have-you about it, but really, keeping someone alive against their wishes just... it feels so wrong.

Yeah, you at least want to have someone around - for the most part. More than I do, anyway. *snicker* at your answer though, I should use that...

*hugs you MOSTLY CUZ YOU HATE HUGS*
Bwahahahaha!

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

You don't fail - actually just seeing such a nice long response from you is non-fail enough! (non-fail? that would be... successful? lol I FAIL at ENGLISH!)

I know that you of all people understand my biggest... "problem" as far as relationships go. You also seem to be more sure of yourself and applying the label, whereas I was sure at one point in time and now have to add a "kinda" "sorta" or "quasi" to it. Which just confuses everyone, myself included.

And yes, I should remember that being different does not equal being wrong.

*hugs* Thank you! I owe you some more replies elsewhere I know but I've already been so BAD just being on here at ALL at work...

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Out of your depth - that almost makes you sound shallow! Which you're SO not. :P

That "figured out" stuff reminds me, freshman year of college I was sitting outside a classroom waiting for the prof to get there, writing in my journal. Cuz that's what I DO rather than actually TALK to people. Some guy asked if that's what I was doing, journaling, and I said yeah, and he was all impressed, like "whoa, that's really cool, you must have everything all figured out!" I laughed. I don't remember the guy, but I still remember that. Nothing could be further from the truth!

I don't see the need to "come out" to my parents - they just know I'm not interested in dating, so they think I "haven't met the right guy yet" just like every other person thinks. Hee. So you're planning on doing that at some point? Maybe they'd surprise you.

*hugs* Thanks! You are toooooooo!

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Shallow as the Pacific Ocean! :P

How much you wanna bet they'd still pester you? Heh. I've never talked to my parents about this (I barely talk to anyone about it, really; it just doesn't seem important in day-to-day life, ya know?) but I've been "protecting" them from me since age 14. I need them to think everything is fine, I can't let them know if things are wrong... or, at least not until I'm feeling better about the wrong thing/have come up with a solution. They must either think I'm really happy all the time, or they're comfortable with the arrangement. I'm comfortable with it!

*hugs more* *and tickles!*

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

That IS strange, isn't it, to have 2 in one family? Though like you said before it might be a... "seasonal" thing that changes for one or both of you. (okay you didn't say seasonal, but you said something along those lines)

[zigsternenstaub.livejournal.com]

Your grandmother sounds terribly sweet; it's a shame that she's unhappy.

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

She is. She still has her brain for the most part, which I suppose is part of her problem, really. Though it isn't that easy to carry on a conversation with her!

[darkp-hawk.livejournal.com]

I agree with you about the how we end the suffering of our animals but not our people. I'm not a compassionate, "save people from suffering" type of person since... well, I rather not get into that BUT I believe it is better for people as a whole to let people choose what happens to them when they understand the consequences.

Don't worry about the "why I don't have a boyfriend/husband/don't I want to have kids/omg the clock is ticking you're getting old/etc" thing. I get a variation of the same thing and I'm "youngling" according to some people. It's just that people have a romanticized view of how things should be. If this was Victorian-era Europe, 12 year old girls would have been "sold" to middle-aged aristocrats and that would be the "normal" thing to do.

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I remember that friend you wrote about... *hug!*

You ARE a youngling. You're what, 24? 25? A mere pup! PLUS you're a BOY so if you decide you want kids 30 years from now, hey guess what, you CAN!

It amuses me when I read Gone With The Wind and there's talk about so-and-so being an "old maid" at 20 and all the girls pity her and stuff. HA! I'm so GLAD I didn't live in that time.

[darkp-hawk.livejournal.com]

Which friend are you referring to? I have a few friends that comes to mind with the subject we're talking about.

>.> I'm turning 26, thank you very much. I really doubt I would be having kids when I'm in my 50s.

Well, when the average lifespan is hovering around 40, then 20 is your mid-life.

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

The one you posted about a few months ago.

Oh yeah your birthday is coming up! You SURE you don't want a Palpakin drabble for your special day? ;)

...I would say more but you'd probably kill me cuz this is a public post. [insert teasing here]

40??? That must be worldwide, no way is it true in THIS country! Esp. not in this state, there are old people everywhere!

[darkp-hawk.livejournal.com]

I think I know the one you're referring to. The one that was beaten to death?

I'm really sure a Palpakin drabble would really change the mood of my b-day from barely tolerable event to unbearable event that I will probably suffer again next year.

Well, 40 is the average lifespan in the time of the civil war. I was talking about that since you mentioned Gone With the Wind.

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Yeah I guess... the one in a coma? :(

Ohhhhhh I'm dumb, I already forgot I mentioned GWTW. Stupid internet-ADD. (yes you can add that to my chart)

[darkp-hawk.livejournal.com]

>.> Yeah... he... passed on. I guess I didn't mention that.

Okay, your chart is getting an update.

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

I think you did imply that that would happen soon in your post... anyway, sorry (several months too late!)

[darkp-hawk.livejournal.com]

Yes, they pulled the plug the day after I posted that entry. I appreciate your sympathy, nee-chan.

[laariii.livejournal.com]

I think my grandfather is determined to live as long as he possibly can - hes had so many joints replaced & metal holding his spine in place that hes almost a cyborg.
My other grandfather gave up the will to live when his wife died.

I remember going over to my grandmas house when i had just turned 19. My grandma said to me, " I was married at 19 "
My whole family thinks I'm a freak because I'm single & childless.

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Ha ha, your grandma sounds like my great-aunt! "I was cooking whole meals by age 12 - you should help your mother more" she'd always tell me. Trying to make me feel lazy. (okay so I AM lazy) It was a different time back then, though!