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lumy12CONTINUED FROM PART 1
Because LJ fails at large posts.
Please read part 1 first!
~
Five weeks later, Ellie knew better.
Oh, nothing majorly bad had happened to them. She continued to have nightmares and panic attacks... and, more occasionally, insomnia and bizarre flashbacks. Joel had nightmares, but none of the other things, at least that she knew of. He'd gotten pretty adept at preventing her nightmares, just like he used to back in Jackson, but there was nothing he could do about the panic attacks.
Joel had killed a man here -- on the Outside -- but that wasn't exactly bad or unusual. Especially when the man was trying to rob them. Joel had suspected that he was the man who had been denied entry into the resort the day before... the one Ray had told to move along. He'd fit the description. Apparently, it wasn't uncommon for people to stick around after such a rejection, either trying to figure out a way in or planning to attack people who ventured out. Ellie couldn't really blame them... but that didn't mean she thought the Golden Sands people should share their bounty with anyone who wanted it, either.
She and Joel had gone out on the fishing boat with the regular fisherpeople, twice... and twice was enough for Ellie, because that second time, a storm had hit them and scared the shit out of her. Even Joel had been scared. The others, not so much, but they weren't exactly not scared, either. Especially when the boat nearly capsized!
After that, they stuck to hunting. Which made more sense, because Parker and his dad were the only two people who went hunting out of the whole group, and everyone agreed it would be good to have more meat to offset some of the fish. And the best thing about hunting for 'the clan,' as some liked to call it, was they could hand off their kills to other people to do the cleaning and cooking. Just like Jackson, everyone was able to contribute something.
That first time they'd come back with animals to be cleaned, Ellie had been surprised to find that Sophie was one of the volunteers -- and she apparently liked to help with the cooking, too. Her other unofficial job was hair stylist, and while it certainly must have been nothing like what Sophie had imagined herself doing back in the day, Ellie was happy that she at least got to put those skills to use in some manner. Sophie had taught Ellie how to do her own French braid, but Ellie's always turned out shitty in comparison, and she preferred to have Sophie do it, as it gave them a chance to chat. Besides, she remembered how Joel used to say in Jackson that they needed to let people do their jobs rather than everyone doing their own thing, because that's what made it a real community. Hair certainly wasn't as important as food and shelter and stuff, of course, but Ellie appreciated the idea -- and now she could laugh about how she'd wanted them to do their own laundry, to avoid 'the skanks.' Haha! How silly I was back then.
Ray had said that there were no rules, no schedules, that people just did whatever they wanted... but it wasn't like it was complete chaos. Everyone seemed to operate like one big family, assessing the needs of the clan and acting accordingly. If they had a lot of meat, there would be no hunting for a day or two -- and sometimes if they had a lot of fish there would be no hunting, either, simply because they couldn't store food for very long, even in winter. Some people had more free time than others... and some didn't like to have any free time. People tended to congregate either on the beach or on the boardwalk overlooking it, and if someone needed an extra hand or two for some task, they'd just come over and holler, and usually have more volunteers than they needed. Joel and Ellie helped out whenever they had the chance -- even though they'd already been invited to stay as long as they liked, and didn't need to kiss up to anyone now. It wasn't like they had shitloads of other things to do... and Ellie hated to admit it, but sometimes, she felt bored just hanging around the beach all day. Even with the glorious ~ocean~ and all. Much better to have some time away doing other things; it made her appreciate it more.
One thing Ellie never got tired of: campfire time! Joel had started giving her guitar lessons again, but she still wasn't good enough to play for the group. To her delight, Joel finally did... and he even sang "Future Days" to her, in front of everyone! She'd been embarrassed as fuck, but... in a good way. If anyone was grossed out by them being a couple, they sure didn't show it. Joel said he could tell that some people didn't approve, but Ellie never really got that impression from anyone, and she wondered if Joel was imagining it. Approving or not, everyone seemed to accept that they were together -- and that there was no use trying to separate them. Joel didn’t really tell her she needed to spend more time with other people, either, like he had in Jackson. For one thing, the only resident even remotely close to her age was that sixteen-year-old boy, Parker, and Joel certainly didn't want her hanging around him. He didn't even want to hunt as a quartet with Parker and his dad, which Ellie couldn't really understand, but she did enjoy hunting with Joel when it was just the two of them, so she didn't make a big fuss about it. Joel did encourage her to spend time with Sophie, or the two kids... and maybe a couple other people she'd taken a special liking to. But he was never very far away when she did.
Presently, he picked the perfect moment to amble over and see what Ellie and six-year-old Gabby were sculpting in the sand. Ellie looked up from her work and caught the surprise that flickered across his face.
"Yeah, these are... what you're thinking," she confirmed for him with a grin. "But we're not gonna leave her naked. We're gonna cover them up with a seashell bikini top."
"And seaweed hair!" Gabby added.
"Seaweed for her hair, yep."
Joel still had a what-the-fuck-IS-it look on his face.
Ellie sighed at his lack of imagination. "It's a mermaid, see? Her tail needs more definition... maybe some shells down there too, like for the scales. Wanna help?" she asked hopefully. Joel had yet to really get into the sand sculpting, but maybe he would surprise her. "Or you could help Chad -- his dinosaur park is prob'ly more your thing, huh." Ellie was trying to spend equal time on each project, going back and forth; the siblings got along okay, but unfortunately, it seemed she had become a source of rivalry between them, so she had to make sure she didn't play favorites.
"Thank you, but no," said Joel. "I jus' stopped by to tell you I have somethin' to take care of. If you need me--"
"Take care of what? Where are you going?" Ellie stood up and wiped off her sandy hands on her bare legs.
"Not far. Other end of the beach."
What the fuck could he have to take care of over there? "Um... past the rocks?" That was what they'd started calling 'their spot' -- where they'd almost made love that first time.
"Yes."
Oh, I get it! Of course he wasn't going to say "let's go fuck" in front of the kids. "I'll come with you!" she said brightly.
"No... I need to go alone."
Ellie tried to hide her disappointment at misunderstanding him. "Oh. Can't I help--"
"No." He smiled a little and kissed her forehead. "Keep up the good work here. I'll be back before you know it."
Ellie sank back into the sand and resumed patting the mermaid's boobs into equal little mounds. What could he be doing over there? Is he planning a surprise for me? ...no, he's not bringing anything over there... He was just wearing his swim trunks and holster belt. And why would he ANNOUNCE that he's going over there if that's what he was doing? Maybe he WANTS me to follow him? But then, why didn't he just take me up on my offer to help? He doesn't usually play games like that. That was more her thing than his... although she was trying to be more direct these days. She was tempted to follow him, but she knew she had to respect his wish for privacy.
Still... he could've just gone over there without saying anything to her. He was still keeping an eye on her, although Ellie didn't see why, since the place was totally safe. She didn't feel the need to keep an eye on him. Maybe because I know he's always around, watching ME? She didn't even bring either of her guns down to the beach anymore because of that (she had two again, since Sophie had returned the 9-millimeter), and she only carried one around the grounds because Joel asked her to. She tried not to be lazy about it; sure, Joel always had a gun on him, but if shit went down, how could Ellie have his back without her own? And it wasn't very adult of her to be content with letting Joel be the only one protecting them. She was his partner, not his child. Everyone there had been trained eons ago on how to use the various guns on the premises -- even the two kids had been taught about gun safety. There weren't enough guns to go around for everyone to have one (at least, not without Joel and Ellie divvying up their arsenal, and neither one of them was willing to embrace the spirit of sharing to that extent); they were mostly reserved for people venturing Outside, aside from the rifle kept in the unmanned 'watch tower' up front.
Thinking about Joel not watching her now -- and without her having her gun on her -- was starting to make her feel a bit uneasy. Which was fucked up and abnormal and wrong, she knew, but knowing that didn't seem to matter. I am STRONG, she tried to remember. I don't NEED him to watch out for me all the time... I like it, but I'm okay on my own... anyways, he'll be back soon, and until then, I can distract--
"Ellie!"
She turned at the sound of Joel calling her name. Okay, so he came back REAL soon! She scrambled to her feet and used her hand as a visor to look at him in the bright sun. "Yeah?" she called back, taking a few steps toward him.
"You can come if you want."
Of course I want! She turned to the little girl. "Okay, Gabs, you wanna pick out all the best seashells to do her top while I'm gone?"
"Okay!" The girl was used to Ellie ditching her for Joel by now.
Ellie trotted up to Joel and reached for his hand with her sandy one (wiping it on her leg didn't seem to help all that much). Joel hated sand, and made it quite clear that he hated sand, but he would rather deal with it than deal with Ellie's pouting about him not wanting to hold her hand. She decided to be nice and tug him into the water enough that they could squat for a moment to rinse off their hands.
They kept walking there along the edge with the water either rushing at their ankles, lapping at their toes, or falling short of them altogether, depending on the size of the incoming wave. Ellie loved taking walks with Joel like this. Sometimes they would just walk in comfortable silence, enjoying the beauty of their surroundings along with the beauty of being together. But Ellie was too curious to be quiet this time. "What are we doing?"
"You'll see."
"Okay... so, what made you change your mind about letting me come?"
Joel took a few moments to answer. "I realized... it ain't somethin' I need to do alone. An' it's somethin' that'll make you happy."
"Oh yeah? And you were gonna do it without me?!" She grinned wickedly and tugged him closer, pretending she had reason to speak conspiratorially even with no one in earshot. "Is it naughty?"
Joel smirked. "No. But it's related to that."
"What? What the f--"
"You'll find out in a minute."
"Why do we have to go way over there if we're not... doing anything?"
"We don' have to. I jus' want to. Your face is gettin' more sunburnt..."
"Don't change the subject!" she laughed. Since she really didn't like wearing a hat, Joel always urged her to spend more time in the cabanas on the beach, but Ellie liked the warmth of the sun. Besides, you couldn't make sandcastles or play in the ocean in a cabana! Except -- when he was in the mood to read Mistakes Can Kill You, Ellie would happily hang out with him there so he wouldn't have to try to watch her out of the corner of his eye. That way, he could get properly absorbed in the book. They'd tried reading one of the stories together, which was cozy and nice, but also too distracting (not because Ellie tried to get naughty with him or anything -- she just wanted to turn the pages faster than Joel did, and the constant need to turn pages made it hard for either of them to concentrate). She'd suggested taking turns reading it out loud to each other, but Joel hadn't taken her up on the offer yet.
It was better for her to read her own book while he read his. This reminded Ellie of how they used to hang out on their couch in Jackson. Not exactly snuggling, but not exactly not snuggling. And since she'd finished the book she'd brought from Jackson, Chad had given her one of his favorite books -- a Harry Potter one, which made her think of Clicker and how they used to play that game on the Wii. The problem with Harry was the same one she'd had with Savage Starlight: there were so many parts to the whole story, and she might never be able to read the parts she was missing. At least not until we go back to Jackson...
"I was jus' makin' an observation," Joel said now.
Ellie didn't much care whether she was sunburned or not, except when the skin on her face peeled. At least she could annoy Joel by peeling and picking at the skin on her legs (he just had to tell her to leave it alone, always! as if helping the dead skin along was harmful), but she couldn't see her face. Not even in the mirror beneath their bathroom skylight, or via flashlight (too glare-y in the mirror). And Joel wouldn't do it for her. It was one of those things he'd filed in the it's-for-your-own-good region of his brain -- a place her "please?"s and pleading looks couldn't penetrate.
Eager to get to their destination, Ellie tried to pull him into a run, but he resisted her efforts. "So impatient!" he chided her with amusement.
When they finally reached the 'rock wall,' they didn't climb over it; since they were both dressed for swimming, Joel insisted they take the easier route of wading into the water a bit -- easier, but longer, and Ellie thought he was rather enjoying tormenting her as long as possible with the suspense he'd created. It was pretty cold out these days, being mid-to-late December -- it was almost Christmas, and definitely not the Christmas Ellie had imagined they would have, bundled up together in their little house, waiting out blizzards. She knew it wasn't even half as cold here as it was in Jackson, though, and she was actually kind of getting used to it. On sunny days like today, she sometimes even felt warm. Joel said it must be her sunburn warming her.
"Now what?" she asked when they reached the other side. "Are we going to our little... cave thing over there?"
Joel took her hand again and led her down the beach. "Sure... well, close to it."
"I still wanna do it in there some time, you know."
He chuckled. "You may have mentioned that a few times, yes."
When they got to a place that Joel deemed good enough, he let go of her hand, resting his on what she now saw was an empty holster; he'd only brought one gun. He looked like he was chewing on some words, trying to figure out what to say.
Ellie realized they weren't just going to be collecting driftwood or checking a net. This was something personal! Omigod... is he gonna propose?! -No, of course not -- why would he start out doing that on his own and THEN decide that maybe it was okay if I came along? Unless he's trying to throw me off tr-- NO. Don't be stupid, Ellie. Besides, he thinks you're too young to know who you want to spend the rest of your life with. She rubbed his arm in a gesture intended to be reassuring. "What is it?" she asked gently.
He smiled a little. "I... uh... well, I don' know what to say, seein' as how I was gonna do this by myself, so... I guess I'll jus' go ahead an' tell you what I wanted to do." He reached into the empty holster... which wasn't empty after all. Whatever was in there seemed to be stuck. "Jammed it in there too much... shit..."
"Let me help!" Ellie offered, and he let her nudge his hand out of the way. "Is... that what I think it is?!"
"Yep."
The PERV rock! Since her hand was smaller than Joel's, she was able to wedge it in there a little to get a better grip, and she extracted the rock without much difficulty. "I hope this means... are you gonna chuck it into the ocean?" she asked hopefully.
"I am. Unless you'd like to do the honors."
"Fuck yeah I would!" Ellie looked at the ugly rock. Turned it over in her hands. The rock itself wasn't ugly... ugly was the asshole who had defiled the poor thing. She thought about what it must mean for Joel to be able to let go of it now. Is he letting go of ALL the bad stuff? Maybe because people here aren't treating him like a child molester?
Joel seemed pensive. "I still feel like I should say somethin'."
"You don't have to." Not to discourage him from talking about shit... but she knew it made him uncomfortable, and she'd rather spare him the unnecessary torment.
"I know. I want to." He tilted her chin up and looked her in the eye. "I ain't sure why I felt like I needed to hang on to this in the first place... as a reminder, or somethin'... I don' know. You're the psychologist." She smiled at that. "I'm still well aware of... how young you are. How many years there are between us. I still... I don' wanna take advantage. All this time, I've had that in my head, that it's what I'm doin'... that ain't gonna jus' go away. Even when I get rid of this."
Ugh! "But you're not--"
"I know you don' think so." He kissed her nose. " 'Cause you're a sweet young girl. And... maybe you're right. But, even if I am... it ain't because I'm a sick... a perv, like this says. The way I feel... if there's anythin' wrong with it, it ain't that."
"Of course it's not!" Ellie had been telling him that for months. For a smart guy, he can be really slow sometimes. Is it finally sinking in?! "There's nothing wrong with it at all. You love me."
"Yes. Nothin' wrong with a guy lovin' his... girlfriend."
She had to giggle a little at the way he said it. Like he'd just tasted something new and wasn't sure if he liked it or not. "Does that mean... you're my boyfriend?"
"If you want."
Hello, I'm Ellie, and this is my boyfriend, Joel. She smiled. "I like it, but if you hate it... the label's not important. Remember?"
He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her -- and the rock, since her arms were coiled up -- against his chest. "It is... an' it ain't. But if anyone asks you... what our relationship is..."
Ellie snorted. "I think they all know by now!"
"I mean someone new... not that we meet that many new people... I don' know. I think it'd be nice to not have to try to explain it, or avoid explainin' it. You use that word, an' people know."
"So, like... if a new person asked you why we stick together or something, if they know you're not my dad? You'd say 'she's my girlfriend' ?"
"Sure."
Ellie liked it better than 'partner', which could also describe a platonic relationship. 'Significant other' sounded... pretentious or something (plus it was kind of too long). 'Lover' was good, but... too intimate? People didn't really go around saying "we're lovers." As for slang... 'my boo'? She couldn't imagine Joel saying that -- it was more like what Clicker would use. And calling him her man... and her, his woman... she kind of liked that, too, except it had like a caveman connotation to it. Plus, Joel still had a hard time referring to her as a woman, even though they were having sex. If Ellie had been expecting him to drop the 'kiddo' nickname and quit calling her a girl after that, she'd been mistaken. Then again, he referred to Sophie as a girl sometimes, too -- it didn't seem to strictly be an age thing.
"You thinkin' up somethin' better?" he teased; she must have been silent too long.
"No, I like it! Boyfriend/girlfriend." It still wasn't... enough, really... but was there really any word that would be? 'Love of my life' is a little corny... and more than one word. Ha! And now she couldn't resist asking, "What about when we go back to Jackson?"
He gave her a squeeze. "We don' have to think about that right--"
"I know! It's more like a... what if question." If... except really it's WHEN. Ellie missed Jackson. She missed her friends, the farm, the library... the hot water and electricity... but not the drama. Maybe their absence would allow the rumors to die... die and not come back to life the second we ride through the gates?
"All right... well... I have thought about it. I think that... I'd like to say to hell with 'em all, we could strut right back in there as boyfriend/girlfriend, but that... prob'ly wouldn' go over so well. I know it wouldn't with Tommy."
"So what? Tommy's your brother. He's not gonna do anything to hurt you."
"Don' be so sure about that. An' what about your friends? Don't you think--"
"I don't care what they think! Joel, really... I don't think I could go back to pretending I don't love you."
"You wouldn' have to. You loved me before you actually... loved me, didn' you?"
"Of course!"
"We've never hidden that from them. We walked around holdin' hands. We snuggled on the couch at Tommy'n'Maria's. Was it really so bad, not kissin' in public?"
Ellie thought about it. "It is, and it ain't," she mimicked his words from earlier. "I mean, we're not exactly walking around sucking face with our hands down each other's pants all the time. But... I like that we can kiss each other-- little kisses. Like, when you kiss my nose, even. You can't do that if we're playing father and daughter cuz it's creepy."
He kissed her nose again. "Maybe not. So that's the dealbreaker? Nose-kissin'?"
She snickered a little. "No, no... I dunno. Just... if they're going to think we're fucking anyway..."
"I really don' know how it would go, either way. Jus' bein' back there. If people would start spreadin' rumors an' shit again, vandalize the house..."
"We'd stay with Tommy and Maria? And the baby!" That wouldn't be so bad. Ellie loved that baby already. At least, the idea of it. She thought of herself as an aunt to him or her. And it's probably kicking real good by now! she thought with a pang. But if she and Joel lived there, they'd have to settle for stolen moments again, afternoons in Ghost Town...
"Maybe. You know that sayin' about not burnin' bridges? I'd rather not burn that one, if things got bad. The idea of bein' who we are, an' what we are... not hidin' like we're doin' somethin' bad... it's... noble, an' whatnot, on principle. But livin' on your principles is a luxury... that you gotta weigh against other luxuries. You understand?"
Yes, she understood. She understood that without Joel being the voice of reason, she would burn all the bridges she could from here all the way back to Boston if it meant not living a lie. Even if they never found any other civilized place that would accept them for who they were. Wasn't that worth the price? Any price?
But she did like living in the safety of a town, or this resort. She knew Joel didn't consider Golden Sands as safe as Jackson, which was like a fucking fortress, but Ellie felt safe here. It was nice not having to look over her shoulder all the time. Nice not having to constantly worry about running out of water or where their next meal was coming from. Nice being able to play. Especially for Joel's sake; being Outside so much did take a toll on him. She wanted him -- no, needed him -- to live a long, happy life, and that meant living somewhere safe. No place was one hundred percent safe -- even the really safe ones (like Quarantine Zones) weren't guaranteed to stay that way. Shit happened. And shit happened inside of them, too -- there were more things to consider than just being inside guarded walls.
"I get it," she said finally. "I get that it's... not black and white. It's complicated. And you're right -- we don't have to think about it now. And before we go to Jackson we might... look for Spirit?"
"Maybe."
She knew Joel wasn't keen on that option, and she wasn't sure how much she wanted to do that herself. Whether the horse had left her on purpose or not, she believed he was okay (she hoped he'd blessed them with a Spirit Junior, but it was too soon to know). "Maybe he's hanging out with Bella somewhere," Ellie mused. Now that was a nice fantasy...
"Who?"
"Bella." But she wasn't surprised Joel didn't know who she was referring to; it was cute, how much he sucked at remembering names. "You know... Ron's horse that got stolen? Imagine the look on his face if we showed up at his door with her! That would be so cool."
"Oh. Right." He did seem to remember who Ron was, at least. But he frowned. "Ellie... the chances of findin' either of them..."
Ellie sighed. "I know. It's just nice to think about." She bit her lip before she could add some depressing remark about everyone leaving her. It wasn't Joel's fault, nor was there anything he could do to help... he would just feel like he had to remind her that he loved her and would never leave her. Things she already knew... for the most part (and now wasn't one of the times where she needed him to reassure her).
She knew Spirit loved her, too. She could tell, even without people marveling at how Spirit never put his nose on their shoulders, never nickered to them, and all that... Ellie could just sort of... sense it. And the horse wouldn't have just stopped loving her, especially for no reason; animals were much better than humans in that regard. It was weird, trying to reconcile the loving with the leaving. Trying to accept that sometimes, loved ones weren't meant to be in your life forever. I always try so hard to hold on to everyone... and it's impossible. Sometimes, you just have to let go.
...Except for Joel, of course! His love was unlike anything she'd ever known. It was understood that whatever place they decided to call home, they would always stay together. No, his dick wasn't exactly magical... but after thinking on it a while, Ellie thought she'd figured out the biggest difference between Before and After. Now, she felt more like she had every right to be with Joel and less like he was just doing her a favor -- a favor she was selfish to accept. She no longer felt like she was depriving him of something... something he could've had with an older woman, if she would just let him go. Then he could go be with someone easier. Someone who didn't make him feel like a child molester.
But in reality, she wasn't being selfish -- because he didn't want her to let him go. That had always been the case, and she never should have felt that way to begin with. It wasn't the sex that mattered... it was the love.
Ellie had tried to tell him all that before (well, except for the last bit, which was so sappy she kind of had to roll her eyes at herself just for thinking it), and he had told her she was cute. She had pretended to be annoyed, had pouted about him not taking her seriously... and then he started kissing me... showing me just HOW seriously he takes me... as if he had to. As if he didn't prove it every single day, in so many ways.
There were still times she got in her melancholy moods... where it hurt that he loved her so much. And, worse, that she loved him so much, knowing she would have to lose him someday. I just have to try not to think about that too much, because thinking about it threatens to RUIN the good stuff...
"You all right?" he asked her softly.
Fuck, this time I was definitely quiet too long! "Yeah..."
"I know you're sad about Spirit. Jus' remember he's--"
"No, it's not that. I mean, I am, but..." She swallowed a lump in her throat.
He brought his hand to her cheek, stroking with his thumb. "What is it? Tell me."
She didn't like talking to Joel about that kind of pain. What was the point? It would only depress him. "It's nothing."
Now he cupped her face in both hands, brushed his lips over hers, and looked her in the eye. "It ain't nothin'. It happens to you a lot, an' you never wanna talk about whatever's on your mind when... you get this look on your face... I don' know what it is. I know allllll the looks you have, but this one..."
"Just... sad," she offered unhelpfully.
"Yes. Sad. But... more than that. It's... mournful... but also... scared?"
Aww... look at him, trying to figure me out! "I just love you too much," she blurted.
Joel chuckled. "Nice try. But if you don' wanna talk about--"
"No, really!" She snaked her arms around him and hugged him hard, pressing her face into his chest because she was afraid of getting teary. His heart was beating comfortingly into her cheek, strong and warm. What will it feel like when I can’t feel that anymore… when it stops… She dropped the rock into the sand behind him. "I can't stand it sometimes. That's the truth, I swear."
He petted her hair soothingly, playing with some strands that had blown loose from her braid. "What can't you stand about it, baby girl?"
"Joel, you don't wanna talk about this. I know you don't. Just forget it, okay?"
He gave her a big squeeze. "Yes I do. I wanna help you deal with... whatever's botherin' you."
She sniffled a little. I am NOT crying. "You can't. No one can. It's okay... I can deal with it on my own." Most of the time...
"But why do that when you don' have to?" He kissed the top of her head. "I'm here with you. I can--"
"That's the problem!" She jerked away from him... and found that she didn't want to look at him, so she turned away before finally explaining. "You're here now. But you won't always be. One of us is going to die, and leave the other one. There's no way around that. That's... how life works. Unless we can somehow make it so we both die at the same time, but you hate that idea." She felt him come up behind her and wrap his arms around her, and it felt too nice, but she leaned back against him anyway. "You say I'm too much younger than you, so we can't do that. But Joel... that's actually really mean of you, cuz you're saying you want to be the one that leaves me. You want me to spend the rest of my life without you, and I can't. How the fuck am I supposed to do that?" She wasn't angry with him, but the words sure sounded angry when they tumbled out of her mouth. Maybe because she was holding back tears, and anger served as a good dam.
"Is that a rhetorical question?"
"No! I really wanna know!" She squiggled around in his arms to look at him then.
He wasn't crying, but he looked... more emotional than usual. He held her face again. "You... jus' do it."
Just do it? Ellie snorted. "Thanks. Wish I'd thought of that."
His lips almost twitched into a smile. "I mean... you put one foot in front of the other an'... go about your business... be with other people you love, who love you..."
Ellie shook her head. "They won't be you. No one would even be close to being you."
"But they'll help you through the hard times. An' when you get sad--"
"I will always be sad!" she snapped at him.
"No, baby girl. Not always. But when you are, you remember how much I love you. You can carry--"
"Except you won't love me, because you won't exist. You'll be... a corpse, rotting away, or like... ashes on the ground..."
"Maybe so, but I'll still love you. I'll never stop."
She rolled her eyes. "If you're ASHES--"
"Then I'll be ashes in love with you." He smiled for real.
Ellie didn't. "Joel--" she groaned.
"No, I get it... believe me, I get it. But as long as you're alive, then... so is my love for you. Don't you feel it, inside of you? It ain't gonna go away jus'--"
"Yes it will! Because you won't be around to give it to me. You can't just like... love me for a while, then leave, and think that--"
"I won' leave. You'll remember me, an' how much I love you... how I want you to go on an' be happy--"
"I won't -- I'll be miserable. My life will be over," she lamented. Didn't Joel know that? "And just the thought of it... it hurts so much that sometimes I wonder why I even..." ...love you? She couldn't quite say it. She didn't mean it...
"...All right, now you're startin' to scare me... you plannin' on dumpin' my ass?" he said lightly.
She could never do it, even if the 'smart' part of her told her it would be less painful in the end. God, that would be the stupidest thing EVER! Why would I even THINK that? Obviously, if she had to lose him sooner or later, it would be better if it was later. And she would have to live with knowing that she'd be hurting him so deeply, if she left... and how would I be better off? Because I wouldn't KNOW when he died? I could just pretend he's alive and well even when I'm like, eighty years old?! I'd miss out on possibly TONS of years with him...
"Ellie, I was teasin'... I think..."
Aww, he looks a little worried! She wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him a kiss. "Sorry... of course I won't leave you. Ever. That would be so dumb."
"Good. You had me wonderin' for a second there." He kissed her brow.
"I just... don't know how to deal with it, except to not think about it. And then I end up thinking about it anyway, and... it just fucking hurts."
Joel held her close... rubbed her back, smoothed her hair, kissed her forehead. All these tangible things she would miss the fuck out of someday, and her memories would be a poor substitute for the real thing. "I'm sorry I don' have a good answer for you," said Joel. "I'll figure it out, though, an' let you know."
"You'll... figure it out? How?"
"Well, if I knew that, I'd prob'ly already know the answer, so..."
"There is no answer."
"Sure there is. I'll think on it an' get back to you, all right? In the meantime, don' worry about it."
Of course he wanted to solve this problem for her. That was just his way. She was certain he wouldn't find a solution to this one, but it was super sweet that he was going to try. "I love you."
"I know -- that's the problem, ain't it?" he teased. "Maybe I'll have to... do shit to make you not love me so much."
Ellie giggled a little, in spite of herself. "Except even when you piss me off, I still love you anyways."
"Damn. Well, I'll come up with somethin'."
"Okay, so how am I not supposed to worry about it in the meantime?"
"You jus'... we'll be happy, jus' bein' together. Wherever we are."
Back to square zero! He'd given enough verbal cues for her to know he didn't really want to discuss death and doom anymore, and she felt kind of done with it herself. At least for now. "We're staying here for at least... three more months?" she asked.
"Three or four."
"Okay." That was a long time; they'd only been together (as boyfriend/girlfriend, anyway) for five months! The future was just... a big fog of uncertainty. The only guarantee they had was right now. This moment. As much as it twisted her gut when the implications hit her, it would always be the truth. Ellie pulled away from him and found the rock where she'd dropped it in the sand. She took his hand and laid the rock in his palm, closing his fingers around it. "I think you should be the one who throws this away. Throw it as far as you can."
He looked at her a moment, then gave her a small nod. "All right." He took her hand again with his free one, and silently waded into the ocean with her. The water came up nearly to her waist if a big wave broke in front of them, but they weren't far enough out that she had to jump them. Holding his hand, she felt safe doing nothing at all, just letting the waves rush on by. He stood rooted to the spot he seemed to have chosen as a launching pad, watching the way the sunlight danced across the water... or maybe not seeing it at all.
Ellie was watching his face now, not the ocean. She saw his jaw twitch... a muscle in his cheek. His eyes were kind of... hazy. She really couldn't tell what he was thinking. After a few more moments, he wound up his arm and threw that rock so far that Ellie couldn't even see where it landed (although that may have been due to the waves tumbling toward them? but she liked to think it was because he launched it hard enough to get it incredibly far away from himself -- as far as humanly possible, if not farther!). She let him look out there silently for another few moments, then she turned his cheek toward her and kissed him sweetly. "I'm proud of you."
He smiled. "That's cute."
"Shut up -- I'm allowed to be proud of you for that. Just you admitting that you're not... bad... that's huge."
"Don' put words in my mouth. I never said--"
"I mean in this way, silly! Although... that would be the biggest fucking step ever if you could realize that, too."
"We still doin' steps?"
"Yes! Until you admit you're a good person."
"I'm a good person," he said easily. Too easily.
Ellie gave him a playful shove. "You have to mean it."
Joel snorted. "You don' really want me to be a good person. Good ones don' last long in this world."
"Well, what are you calling 'good'? Someone who's never killed anyone? Then I'm a bad person, too."
"You ain't bad. You're the best person I know."
She could've retorted snidely that he obviously didn't know too many good people then... but she knew he truly believed it, and there was no use arguing. "Okay, then I'm dead. You just said they don't last long!" Guess we can't NOT talk about death for very long...
"Maybe they do when they've got a bad person lookin' out for 'em, yeah?"
She swatted him. "Then what about all these other people here? And everyone in Jackson? All doomed? Or all bad?"
"Maybe half'n'half. All I care about is you'n'me."
She giggled. "Liar. I know you love Tommy."
"Tommy can kiss my ass."
"Whatever! You do. You always say you're bad and he's good and that's why you had that falling out years ago. So if he's-- hey!" She didn't protest too much when he started kissing her mid-sentence, but it did make her laugh.
"Why are we talkin' 'bout my brother?" He kissed her jaw... her throat...
Of course, when he got to her neck, like right below her ear, she really melted. "I have no idea... mmm... do you always have to end conversations this way?"
He pulled up and smirked at her. "No -- sometimes you end 'em this way."
She giggled. "But I actually like talking to you so why would I want it to stop?"
"Well, if you don' like what I'm sayin'..."
"Oh! Yeah, like when you lecture me." She may have used kisses to distract Joel from the urge to impart his wisdom a time or two...
"I don't... lecture, so much as... jus'..."
"Lecture. Yes, that's the actual word for it." She snickered. "I'm your girlfriend now. That means you can't do it anymore, right?"
Joel heaved a long-suffering sigh. "That's a pretty tall order, kiddo. Not sure I can do that."
"Well... I'm also a woman now. Right? So... I'll help you out. I won't do anything that you feel like you need to lecture me for. How 'bout that?"
"Jury's still out on the woman thing."
"But--"
He silenced her with another kiss. "Havin' sex... don' make you any more or less mature than you were before, remember. We’ve talked about this. Sometimes I would swear you're much older than fifteen... which ain't necessarily a good thing. There's... good things, about bein' a kid. An' you still got some. Don't grow up too fast, all right? At least not all the way."
Sometimes Joel seemed to agree with her young woman assessment, and sometimes he seemed to still want her to be a little girl; she found it a little odd that this time was the latter when he’d just ditched that rock. But it’s okay… I can be both! "Don't worry, Joel. I'll always be your baby girl. No matter how old I am." ...right?? Oh God... if he says that has to stop at some point, I think I might cry! ...why isn't he saying anything? "Unless... unless you think that's... too childish, or something..."
"You look worried." He smoothed her hair back and smiled at her adoringly. "Yes, baby girl, you'll always be my baby girl."
She smiled, relieved. "Good! Baby woman just doesn't sound right."
He laughed. "Uh... no. I'm glad you don' take offense to bein' a girl, then, in this case."
"It's not that I was offended... I just wanted you to realize I'm old enough to... be with you. To make you happy."
"You've always made--"
"You know what I mean! Happy in that way. As happy as you make me, if that's even possible."
Whenever she mentioned how happy she was -- especially how happy he made her -- she could practically see the joy blooming in his face. 'Practically,' because... well, he was still Joel -- and the differences were subtle. But I can see it because I love him so much, and now I'm even more in tune with him than ever before... body, mind, and soul... She pulled his face to hers and kissed him. Softly at first... then, when he didn't pull away, she parted her lips, tasting him with the tip of her tongue. She kissed him until she felt dizzy, then kissed him some more... his arms were snugly around her, keeping her from falling in the water. He seemed perfectly content with the kissing, but she wondered... she sneakily slid a hand down his back. All the way down to his ass, slipping it inside his swim trunks.
"What're you up to?" he murmured against her lips.
"Nothing," she said innocently, trying not to giggle. "You know, I do want us to do it out here..."
"In the ocean? In broad daylight?"
"Or in our little cave room thing."
"Still broad daylight. Anyone could come over here..."
"So? Doesn't that make it even more exciting?" She waggled her eyebrows at him.
"You're a naughty girl. And I... ain't no exhibitionist. Those kids are playin' right down the beach there."
"Way over there. Building sand... things."
"You said that other boy comes over here."
"Parker? Yeah, so?" She giggled. "So we'll give him an education."
"You mean jerk-off material."
"Ha! I don't think he--"
"He's sixteen."
Ellie knew that Joel thought all teenage boys were perpetually horny. "That doesn't mean--"
"Yes it does. An' I don' want anyone lookin' at my baby girl. We'll come back here at night some time--"
"Tonight?" she asked hopefully. "The moon is sort of full now..." ...and you said no to me on the LAST full moon already... although I didn't try that hard, really...
"It still gets cold."
"We don't have to get totally naked this time -- and if we bring lots of blankets, no one will see anything... please? Pleeease, Joel?"
"Ellie..."
He's wavering! "Come on, tonight would be perfect -- the same day you threw the rock away, so it's like... a 'fuck you' to all that..."
He sighed. "Someday I'll learn how to say no to you when you look at me like that."
"But not today, you won't! Yay!" she squealed and kissed him. "Let's play in the water. Come on! I'll hold your hand the whole time."
She was a little more experienced with the ocean now, although not enough that Joel would let Sophie give her bodyboard lessons -- and certainly not for Jeffrey, the self-proclaimed surfer dude of the place, to give her any surf or swim lessons. That may have had more to do with misplaced jealousy than anything else (and Ellie couldn't help pretending to be interested in such lessons sometimes, just to get him riled up for no good reason -- Joel was so cute when he was jealous!). Anyway, he had finally conceded that she didn't need constant hand-holding. Still, she knew he felt more comfortable when they held hands -- and that it had more to do with his fears than with her skill. Possibly going all the way back to Salt Lake City, when she'd nearly drowned. All these things I can't even remember... they left scars on him. They hurt him more than they hurt me!
She tugged him out farther into the ocean, pausing to jump through a wave here and there. It wasn't like holding his hand was a hardship for her, either. It was a loving gesture. A sign of closeness and affection. Maybe he was a little overprotective of her... okay, a LOT overprotective... but Ellie didn't mind. In fact, she liked it. Why WOULDN'T I like such solid proof that he loves me like crazy? Contrary to what some people back home seemed to believe, he wasn't smothering her or holding her back. Ellie didn't see it that way at all; in fact, she saw it as quite the opposite.
After all, holding his hand allowed her to venture out farther than she ever could have gone on her own.
Because LJ fails at large posts.
Please read part 1 first!
~
Five weeks later, Ellie knew better.
Oh, nothing majorly bad had happened to them. She continued to have nightmares and panic attacks... and, more occasionally, insomnia and bizarre flashbacks. Joel had nightmares, but none of the other things, at least that she knew of. He'd gotten pretty adept at preventing her nightmares, just like he used to back in Jackson, but there was nothing he could do about the panic attacks.
Joel had killed a man here -- on the Outside -- but that wasn't exactly bad or unusual. Especially when the man was trying to rob them. Joel had suspected that he was the man who had been denied entry into the resort the day before... the one Ray had told to move along. He'd fit the description. Apparently, it wasn't uncommon for people to stick around after such a rejection, either trying to figure out a way in or planning to attack people who ventured out. Ellie couldn't really blame them... but that didn't mean she thought the Golden Sands people should share their bounty with anyone who wanted it, either.
She and Joel had gone out on the fishing boat with the regular fisherpeople, twice... and twice was enough for Ellie, because that second time, a storm had hit them and scared the shit out of her. Even Joel had been scared. The others, not so much, but they weren't exactly not scared, either. Especially when the boat nearly capsized!
After that, they stuck to hunting. Which made more sense, because Parker and his dad were the only two people who went hunting out of the whole group, and everyone agreed it would be good to have more meat to offset some of the fish. And the best thing about hunting for 'the clan,' as some liked to call it, was they could hand off their kills to other people to do the cleaning and cooking. Just like Jackson, everyone was able to contribute something.
That first time they'd come back with animals to be cleaned, Ellie had been surprised to find that Sophie was one of the volunteers -- and she apparently liked to help with the cooking, too. Her other unofficial job was hair stylist, and while it certainly must have been nothing like what Sophie had imagined herself doing back in the day, Ellie was happy that she at least got to put those skills to use in some manner. Sophie had taught Ellie how to do her own French braid, but Ellie's always turned out shitty in comparison, and she preferred to have Sophie do it, as it gave them a chance to chat. Besides, she remembered how Joel used to say in Jackson that they needed to let people do their jobs rather than everyone doing their own thing, because that's what made it a real community. Hair certainly wasn't as important as food and shelter and stuff, of course, but Ellie appreciated the idea -- and now she could laugh about how she'd wanted them to do their own laundry, to avoid 'the skanks.' Haha! How silly I was back then.
Ray had said that there were no rules, no schedules, that people just did whatever they wanted... but it wasn't like it was complete chaos. Everyone seemed to operate like one big family, assessing the needs of the clan and acting accordingly. If they had a lot of meat, there would be no hunting for a day or two -- and sometimes if they had a lot of fish there would be no hunting, either, simply because they couldn't store food for very long, even in winter. Some people had more free time than others... and some didn't like to have any free time. People tended to congregate either on the beach or on the boardwalk overlooking it, and if someone needed an extra hand or two for some task, they'd just come over and holler, and usually have more volunteers than they needed. Joel and Ellie helped out whenever they had the chance -- even though they'd already been invited to stay as long as they liked, and didn't need to kiss up to anyone now. It wasn't like they had shitloads of other things to do... and Ellie hated to admit it, but sometimes, she felt bored just hanging around the beach all day. Even with the glorious ~ocean~ and all. Much better to have some time away doing other things; it made her appreciate it more.
One thing Ellie never got tired of: campfire time! Joel had started giving her guitar lessons again, but she still wasn't good enough to play for the group. To her delight, Joel finally did... and he even sang "Future Days" to her, in front of everyone! She'd been embarrassed as fuck, but... in a good way. If anyone was grossed out by them being a couple, they sure didn't show it. Joel said he could tell that some people didn't approve, but Ellie never really got that impression from anyone, and she wondered if Joel was imagining it. Approving or not, everyone seemed to accept that they were together -- and that there was no use trying to separate them. Joel didn’t really tell her she needed to spend more time with other people, either, like he had in Jackson. For one thing, the only resident even remotely close to her age was that sixteen-year-old boy, Parker, and Joel certainly didn't want her hanging around him. He didn't even want to hunt as a quartet with Parker and his dad, which Ellie couldn't really understand, but she did enjoy hunting with Joel when it was just the two of them, so she didn't make a big fuss about it. Joel did encourage her to spend time with Sophie, or the two kids... and maybe a couple other people she'd taken a special liking to. But he was never very far away when she did.
Presently, he picked the perfect moment to amble over and see what Ellie and six-year-old Gabby were sculpting in the sand. Ellie looked up from her work and caught the surprise that flickered across his face.
"Yeah, these are... what you're thinking," she confirmed for him with a grin. "But we're not gonna leave her naked. We're gonna cover them up with a seashell bikini top."
"And seaweed hair!" Gabby added.
"Seaweed for her hair, yep."
Joel still had a what-the-fuck-IS-it look on his face.
Ellie sighed at his lack of imagination. "It's a mermaid, see? Her tail needs more definition... maybe some shells down there too, like for the scales. Wanna help?" she asked hopefully. Joel had yet to really get into the sand sculpting, but maybe he would surprise her. "Or you could help Chad -- his dinosaur park is prob'ly more your thing, huh." Ellie was trying to spend equal time on each project, going back and forth; the siblings got along okay, but unfortunately, it seemed she had become a source of rivalry between them, so she had to make sure she didn't play favorites.
"Thank you, but no," said Joel. "I jus' stopped by to tell you I have somethin' to take care of. If you need me--"
"Take care of what? Where are you going?" Ellie stood up and wiped off her sandy hands on her bare legs.
"Not far. Other end of the beach."
What the fuck could he have to take care of over there? "Um... past the rocks?" That was what they'd started calling 'their spot' -- where they'd almost made love that first time.
"Yes."
Oh, I get it! Of course he wasn't going to say "let's go fuck" in front of the kids. "I'll come with you!" she said brightly.
"No... I need to go alone."
Ellie tried to hide her disappointment at misunderstanding him. "Oh. Can't I help--"
"No." He smiled a little and kissed her forehead. "Keep up the good work here. I'll be back before you know it."
Ellie sank back into the sand and resumed patting the mermaid's boobs into equal little mounds. What could he be doing over there? Is he planning a surprise for me? ...no, he's not bringing anything over there... He was just wearing his swim trunks and holster belt. And why would he ANNOUNCE that he's going over there if that's what he was doing? Maybe he WANTS me to follow him? But then, why didn't he just take me up on my offer to help? He doesn't usually play games like that. That was more her thing than his... although she was trying to be more direct these days. She was tempted to follow him, but she knew she had to respect his wish for privacy.
Still... he could've just gone over there without saying anything to her. He was still keeping an eye on her, although Ellie didn't see why, since the place was totally safe. She didn't feel the need to keep an eye on him. Maybe because I know he's always around, watching ME? She didn't even bring either of her guns down to the beach anymore because of that (she had two again, since Sophie had returned the 9-millimeter), and she only carried one around the grounds because Joel asked her to. She tried not to be lazy about it; sure, Joel always had a gun on him, but if shit went down, how could Ellie have his back without her own? And it wasn't very adult of her to be content with letting Joel be the only one protecting them. She was his partner, not his child. Everyone there had been trained eons ago on how to use the various guns on the premises -- even the two kids had been taught about gun safety. There weren't enough guns to go around for everyone to have one (at least, not without Joel and Ellie divvying up their arsenal, and neither one of them was willing to embrace the spirit of sharing to that extent); they were mostly reserved for people venturing Outside, aside from the rifle kept in the unmanned 'watch tower' up front.
Thinking about Joel not watching her now -- and without her having her gun on her -- was starting to make her feel a bit uneasy. Which was fucked up and abnormal and wrong, she knew, but knowing that didn't seem to matter. I am STRONG, she tried to remember. I don't NEED him to watch out for me all the time... I like it, but I'm okay on my own... anyways, he'll be back soon, and until then, I can distract--
"Ellie!"
She turned at the sound of Joel calling her name. Okay, so he came back REAL soon! She scrambled to her feet and used her hand as a visor to look at him in the bright sun. "Yeah?" she called back, taking a few steps toward him.
"You can come if you want."
Of course I want! She turned to the little girl. "Okay, Gabs, you wanna pick out all the best seashells to do her top while I'm gone?"
"Okay!" The girl was used to Ellie ditching her for Joel by now.
Ellie trotted up to Joel and reached for his hand with her sandy one (wiping it on her leg didn't seem to help all that much). Joel hated sand, and made it quite clear that he hated sand, but he would rather deal with it than deal with Ellie's pouting about him not wanting to hold her hand. She decided to be nice and tug him into the water enough that they could squat for a moment to rinse off their hands.
They kept walking there along the edge with the water either rushing at their ankles, lapping at their toes, or falling short of them altogether, depending on the size of the incoming wave. Ellie loved taking walks with Joel like this. Sometimes they would just walk in comfortable silence, enjoying the beauty of their surroundings along with the beauty of being together. But Ellie was too curious to be quiet this time. "What are we doing?"
"You'll see."
"Okay... so, what made you change your mind about letting me come?"
Joel took a few moments to answer. "I realized... it ain't somethin' I need to do alone. An' it's somethin' that'll make you happy."
"Oh yeah? And you were gonna do it without me?!" She grinned wickedly and tugged him closer, pretending she had reason to speak conspiratorially even with no one in earshot. "Is it naughty?"
Joel smirked. "No. But it's related to that."
"What? What the f--"
"You'll find out in a minute."
"Why do we have to go way over there if we're not... doing anything?"
"We don' have to. I jus' want to. Your face is gettin' more sunburnt..."
"Don't change the subject!" she laughed. Since she really didn't like wearing a hat, Joel always urged her to spend more time in the cabanas on the beach, but Ellie liked the warmth of the sun. Besides, you couldn't make sandcastles or play in the ocean in a cabana! Except -- when he was in the mood to read Mistakes Can Kill You, Ellie would happily hang out with him there so he wouldn't have to try to watch her out of the corner of his eye. That way, he could get properly absorbed in the book. They'd tried reading one of the stories together, which was cozy and nice, but also too distracting (not because Ellie tried to get naughty with him or anything -- she just wanted to turn the pages faster than Joel did, and the constant need to turn pages made it hard for either of them to concentrate). She'd suggested taking turns reading it out loud to each other, but Joel hadn't taken her up on the offer yet.
It was better for her to read her own book while he read his. This reminded Ellie of how they used to hang out on their couch in Jackson. Not exactly snuggling, but not exactly not snuggling. And since she'd finished the book she'd brought from Jackson, Chad had given her one of his favorite books -- a Harry Potter one, which made her think of Clicker and how they used to play that game on the Wii. The problem with Harry was the same one she'd had with Savage Starlight: there were so many parts to the whole story, and she might never be able to read the parts she was missing. At least not until we go back to Jackson...
"I was jus' makin' an observation," Joel said now.
Ellie didn't much care whether she was sunburned or not, except when the skin on her face peeled. At least she could annoy Joel by peeling and picking at the skin on her legs (he just had to tell her to leave it alone, always! as if helping the dead skin along was harmful), but she couldn't see her face. Not even in the mirror beneath their bathroom skylight, or via flashlight (too glare-y in the mirror). And Joel wouldn't do it for her. It was one of those things he'd filed in the it's-for-your-own-good region of his brain -- a place her "please?"s and pleading looks couldn't penetrate.
Eager to get to their destination, Ellie tried to pull him into a run, but he resisted her efforts. "So impatient!" he chided her with amusement.
When they finally reached the 'rock wall,' they didn't climb over it; since they were both dressed for swimming, Joel insisted they take the easier route of wading into the water a bit -- easier, but longer, and Ellie thought he was rather enjoying tormenting her as long as possible with the suspense he'd created. It was pretty cold out these days, being mid-to-late December -- it was almost Christmas, and definitely not the Christmas Ellie had imagined they would have, bundled up together in their little house, waiting out blizzards. She knew it wasn't even half as cold here as it was in Jackson, though, and she was actually kind of getting used to it. On sunny days like today, she sometimes even felt warm. Joel said it must be her sunburn warming her.
"Now what?" she asked when they reached the other side. "Are we going to our little... cave thing over there?"
Joel took her hand again and led her down the beach. "Sure... well, close to it."
"I still wanna do it in there some time, you know."
He chuckled. "You may have mentioned that a few times, yes."
When they got to a place that Joel deemed good enough, he let go of her hand, resting his on what she now saw was an empty holster; he'd only brought one gun. He looked like he was chewing on some words, trying to figure out what to say.
Ellie realized they weren't just going to be collecting driftwood or checking a net. This was something personal! Omigod... is he gonna propose?! -No, of course not -- why would he start out doing that on his own and THEN decide that maybe it was okay if I came along? Unless he's trying to throw me off tr-- NO. Don't be stupid, Ellie. Besides, he thinks you're too young to know who you want to spend the rest of your life with. She rubbed his arm in a gesture intended to be reassuring. "What is it?" she asked gently.
He smiled a little. "I... uh... well, I don' know what to say, seein' as how I was gonna do this by myself, so... I guess I'll jus' go ahead an' tell you what I wanted to do." He reached into the empty holster... which wasn't empty after all. Whatever was in there seemed to be stuck. "Jammed it in there too much... shit..."
"Let me help!" Ellie offered, and he let her nudge his hand out of the way. "Is... that what I think it is?!"
"Yep."
The PERV rock! Since her hand was smaller than Joel's, she was able to wedge it in there a little to get a better grip, and she extracted the rock without much difficulty. "I hope this means... are you gonna chuck it into the ocean?" she asked hopefully.
"I am. Unless you'd like to do the honors."
"Fuck yeah I would!" Ellie looked at the ugly rock. Turned it over in her hands. The rock itself wasn't ugly... ugly was the asshole who had defiled the poor thing. She thought about what it must mean for Joel to be able to let go of it now. Is he letting go of ALL the bad stuff? Maybe because people here aren't treating him like a child molester?
Joel seemed pensive. "I still feel like I should say somethin'."
"You don't have to." Not to discourage him from talking about shit... but she knew it made him uncomfortable, and she'd rather spare him the unnecessary torment.
"I know. I want to." He tilted her chin up and looked her in the eye. "I ain't sure why I felt like I needed to hang on to this in the first place... as a reminder, or somethin'... I don' know. You're the psychologist." She smiled at that. "I'm still well aware of... how young you are. How many years there are between us. I still... I don' wanna take advantage. All this time, I've had that in my head, that it's what I'm doin'... that ain't gonna jus' go away. Even when I get rid of this."
Ugh! "But you're not--"
"I know you don' think so." He kissed her nose. " 'Cause you're a sweet young girl. And... maybe you're right. But, even if I am... it ain't because I'm a sick... a perv, like this says. The way I feel... if there's anythin' wrong with it, it ain't that."
"Of course it's not!" Ellie had been telling him that for months. For a smart guy, he can be really slow sometimes. Is it finally sinking in?! "There's nothing wrong with it at all. You love me."
"Yes. Nothin' wrong with a guy lovin' his... girlfriend."
She had to giggle a little at the way he said it. Like he'd just tasted something new and wasn't sure if he liked it or not. "Does that mean... you're my boyfriend?"
"If you want."
Hello, I'm Ellie, and this is my boyfriend, Joel. She smiled. "I like it, but if you hate it... the label's not important. Remember?"
He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her -- and the rock, since her arms were coiled up -- against his chest. "It is... an' it ain't. But if anyone asks you... what our relationship is..."
Ellie snorted. "I think they all know by now!"
"I mean someone new... not that we meet that many new people... I don' know. I think it'd be nice to not have to try to explain it, or avoid explainin' it. You use that word, an' people know."
"So, like... if a new person asked you why we stick together or something, if they know you're not my dad? You'd say 'she's my girlfriend' ?"
"Sure."
Ellie liked it better than 'partner', which could also describe a platonic relationship. 'Significant other' sounded... pretentious or something (plus it was kind of too long). 'Lover' was good, but... too intimate? People didn't really go around saying "we're lovers." As for slang... 'my boo'? She couldn't imagine Joel saying that -- it was more like what Clicker would use. And calling him her man... and her, his woman... she kind of liked that, too, except it had like a caveman connotation to it. Plus, Joel still had a hard time referring to her as a woman, even though they were having sex. If Ellie had been expecting him to drop the 'kiddo' nickname and quit calling her a girl after that, she'd been mistaken. Then again, he referred to Sophie as a girl sometimes, too -- it didn't seem to strictly be an age thing.
"You thinkin' up somethin' better?" he teased; she must have been silent too long.
"No, I like it! Boyfriend/girlfriend." It still wasn't... enough, really... but was there really any word that would be? 'Love of my life' is a little corny... and more than one word. Ha! And now she couldn't resist asking, "What about when we go back to Jackson?"
He gave her a squeeze. "We don' have to think about that right--"
"I know! It's more like a... what if question." If... except really it's WHEN. Ellie missed Jackson. She missed her friends, the farm, the library... the hot water and electricity... but not the drama. Maybe their absence would allow the rumors to die... die and not come back to life the second we ride through the gates?
"All right... well... I have thought about it. I think that... I'd like to say to hell with 'em all, we could strut right back in there as boyfriend/girlfriend, but that... prob'ly wouldn' go over so well. I know it wouldn't with Tommy."
"So what? Tommy's your brother. He's not gonna do anything to hurt you."
"Don' be so sure about that. An' what about your friends? Don't you think--"
"I don't care what they think! Joel, really... I don't think I could go back to pretending I don't love you."
"You wouldn' have to. You loved me before you actually... loved me, didn' you?"
"Of course!"
"We've never hidden that from them. We walked around holdin' hands. We snuggled on the couch at Tommy'n'Maria's. Was it really so bad, not kissin' in public?"
Ellie thought about it. "It is, and it ain't," she mimicked his words from earlier. "I mean, we're not exactly walking around sucking face with our hands down each other's pants all the time. But... I like that we can kiss each other-- little kisses. Like, when you kiss my nose, even. You can't do that if we're playing father and daughter cuz it's creepy."
He kissed her nose again. "Maybe not. So that's the dealbreaker? Nose-kissin'?"
She snickered a little. "No, no... I dunno. Just... if they're going to think we're fucking anyway..."
"I really don' know how it would go, either way. Jus' bein' back there. If people would start spreadin' rumors an' shit again, vandalize the house..."
"We'd stay with Tommy and Maria? And the baby!" That wouldn't be so bad. Ellie loved that baby already. At least, the idea of it. She thought of herself as an aunt to him or her. And it's probably kicking real good by now! she thought with a pang. But if she and Joel lived there, they'd have to settle for stolen moments again, afternoons in Ghost Town...
"Maybe. You know that sayin' about not burnin' bridges? I'd rather not burn that one, if things got bad. The idea of bein' who we are, an' what we are... not hidin' like we're doin' somethin' bad... it's... noble, an' whatnot, on principle. But livin' on your principles is a luxury... that you gotta weigh against other luxuries. You understand?"
Yes, she understood. She understood that without Joel being the voice of reason, she would burn all the bridges she could from here all the way back to Boston if it meant not living a lie. Even if they never found any other civilized place that would accept them for who they were. Wasn't that worth the price? Any price?
But she did like living in the safety of a town, or this resort. She knew Joel didn't consider Golden Sands as safe as Jackson, which was like a fucking fortress, but Ellie felt safe here. It was nice not having to look over her shoulder all the time. Nice not having to constantly worry about running out of water or where their next meal was coming from. Nice being able to play. Especially for Joel's sake; being Outside so much did take a toll on him. She wanted him -- no, needed him -- to live a long, happy life, and that meant living somewhere safe. No place was one hundred percent safe -- even the really safe ones (like Quarantine Zones) weren't guaranteed to stay that way. Shit happened. And shit happened inside of them, too -- there were more things to consider than just being inside guarded walls.
"I get it," she said finally. "I get that it's... not black and white. It's complicated. And you're right -- we don't have to think about it now. And before we go to Jackson we might... look for Spirit?"
"Maybe."
She knew Joel wasn't keen on that option, and she wasn't sure how much she wanted to do that herself. Whether the horse had left her on purpose or not, she believed he was okay (she hoped he'd blessed them with a Spirit Junior, but it was too soon to know). "Maybe he's hanging out with Bella somewhere," Ellie mused. Now that was a nice fantasy...
"Who?"
"Bella." But she wasn't surprised Joel didn't know who she was referring to; it was cute, how much he sucked at remembering names. "You know... Ron's horse that got stolen? Imagine the look on his face if we showed up at his door with her! That would be so cool."
"Oh. Right." He did seem to remember who Ron was, at least. But he frowned. "Ellie... the chances of findin' either of them..."
Ellie sighed. "I know. It's just nice to think about." She bit her lip before she could add some depressing remark about everyone leaving her. It wasn't Joel's fault, nor was there anything he could do to help... he would just feel like he had to remind her that he loved her and would never leave her. Things she already knew... for the most part (and now wasn't one of the times where she needed him to reassure her).
She knew Spirit loved her, too. She could tell, even without people marveling at how Spirit never put his nose on their shoulders, never nickered to them, and all that... Ellie could just sort of... sense it. And the horse wouldn't have just stopped loving her, especially for no reason; animals were much better than humans in that regard. It was weird, trying to reconcile the loving with the leaving. Trying to accept that sometimes, loved ones weren't meant to be in your life forever. I always try so hard to hold on to everyone... and it's impossible. Sometimes, you just have to let go.
...Except for Joel, of course! His love was unlike anything she'd ever known. It was understood that whatever place they decided to call home, they would always stay together. No, his dick wasn't exactly magical... but after thinking on it a while, Ellie thought she'd figured out the biggest difference between Before and After. Now, she felt more like she had every right to be with Joel and less like he was just doing her a favor -- a favor she was selfish to accept. She no longer felt like she was depriving him of something... something he could've had with an older woman, if she would just let him go. Then he could go be with someone easier. Someone who didn't make him feel like a child molester.
But in reality, she wasn't being selfish -- because he didn't want her to let him go. That had always been the case, and she never should have felt that way to begin with. It wasn't the sex that mattered... it was the love.
Ellie had tried to tell him all that before (well, except for the last bit, which was so sappy she kind of had to roll her eyes at herself just for thinking it), and he had told her she was cute. She had pretended to be annoyed, had pouted about him not taking her seriously... and then he started kissing me... showing me just HOW seriously he takes me... as if he had to. As if he didn't prove it every single day, in so many ways.
There were still times she got in her melancholy moods... where it hurt that he loved her so much. And, worse, that she loved him so much, knowing she would have to lose him someday. I just have to try not to think about that too much, because thinking about it threatens to RUIN the good stuff...
"You all right?" he asked her softly.
Fuck, this time I was definitely quiet too long! "Yeah..."
"I know you're sad about Spirit. Jus' remember he's--"
"No, it's not that. I mean, I am, but..." She swallowed a lump in her throat.
He brought his hand to her cheek, stroking with his thumb. "What is it? Tell me."
She didn't like talking to Joel about that kind of pain. What was the point? It would only depress him. "It's nothing."
Now he cupped her face in both hands, brushed his lips over hers, and looked her in the eye. "It ain't nothin'. It happens to you a lot, an' you never wanna talk about whatever's on your mind when... you get this look on your face... I don' know what it is. I know allllll the looks you have, but this one..."
"Just... sad," she offered unhelpfully.
"Yes. Sad. But... more than that. It's... mournful... but also... scared?"
Aww... look at him, trying to figure me out! "I just love you too much," she blurted.
Joel chuckled. "Nice try. But if you don' wanna talk about--"
"No, really!" She snaked her arms around him and hugged him hard, pressing her face into his chest because she was afraid of getting teary. His heart was beating comfortingly into her cheek, strong and warm. What will it feel like when I can’t feel that anymore… when it stops… She dropped the rock into the sand behind him. "I can't stand it sometimes. That's the truth, I swear."
He petted her hair soothingly, playing with some strands that had blown loose from her braid. "What can't you stand about it, baby girl?"
"Joel, you don't wanna talk about this. I know you don't. Just forget it, okay?"
He gave her a big squeeze. "Yes I do. I wanna help you deal with... whatever's botherin' you."
She sniffled a little. I am NOT crying. "You can't. No one can. It's okay... I can deal with it on my own." Most of the time...
"But why do that when you don' have to?" He kissed the top of her head. "I'm here with you. I can--"
"That's the problem!" She jerked away from him... and found that she didn't want to look at him, so she turned away before finally explaining. "You're here now. But you won't always be. One of us is going to die, and leave the other one. There's no way around that. That's... how life works. Unless we can somehow make it so we both die at the same time, but you hate that idea." She felt him come up behind her and wrap his arms around her, and it felt too nice, but she leaned back against him anyway. "You say I'm too much younger than you, so we can't do that. But Joel... that's actually really mean of you, cuz you're saying you want to be the one that leaves me. You want me to spend the rest of my life without you, and I can't. How the fuck am I supposed to do that?" She wasn't angry with him, but the words sure sounded angry when they tumbled out of her mouth. Maybe because she was holding back tears, and anger served as a good dam.
"Is that a rhetorical question?"
"No! I really wanna know!" She squiggled around in his arms to look at him then.
He wasn't crying, but he looked... more emotional than usual. He held her face again. "You... jus' do it."
Just do it? Ellie snorted. "Thanks. Wish I'd thought of that."
His lips almost twitched into a smile. "I mean... you put one foot in front of the other an'... go about your business... be with other people you love, who love you..."
Ellie shook her head. "They won't be you. No one would even be close to being you."
"But they'll help you through the hard times. An' when you get sad--"
"I will always be sad!" she snapped at him.
"No, baby girl. Not always. But when you are, you remember how much I love you. You can carry--"
"Except you won't love me, because you won't exist. You'll be... a corpse, rotting away, or like... ashes on the ground..."
"Maybe so, but I'll still love you. I'll never stop."
She rolled her eyes. "If you're ASHES--"
"Then I'll be ashes in love with you." He smiled for real.
Ellie didn't. "Joel--" she groaned.
"No, I get it... believe me, I get it. But as long as you're alive, then... so is my love for you. Don't you feel it, inside of you? It ain't gonna go away jus'--"
"Yes it will! Because you won't be around to give it to me. You can't just like... love me for a while, then leave, and think that--"
"I won' leave. You'll remember me, an' how much I love you... how I want you to go on an' be happy--"
"I won't -- I'll be miserable. My life will be over," she lamented. Didn't Joel know that? "And just the thought of it... it hurts so much that sometimes I wonder why I even..." ...love you? She couldn't quite say it. She didn't mean it...
"...All right, now you're startin' to scare me... you plannin' on dumpin' my ass?" he said lightly.
She could never do it, even if the 'smart' part of her told her it would be less painful in the end. God, that would be the stupidest thing EVER! Why would I even THINK that? Obviously, if she had to lose him sooner or later, it would be better if it was later. And she would have to live with knowing that she'd be hurting him so deeply, if she left... and how would I be better off? Because I wouldn't KNOW when he died? I could just pretend he's alive and well even when I'm like, eighty years old?! I'd miss out on possibly TONS of years with him...
"Ellie, I was teasin'... I think..."
Aww, he looks a little worried! She wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him a kiss. "Sorry... of course I won't leave you. Ever. That would be so dumb."
"Good. You had me wonderin' for a second there." He kissed her brow.
"I just... don't know how to deal with it, except to not think about it. And then I end up thinking about it anyway, and... it just fucking hurts."
Joel held her close... rubbed her back, smoothed her hair, kissed her forehead. All these tangible things she would miss the fuck out of someday, and her memories would be a poor substitute for the real thing. "I'm sorry I don' have a good answer for you," said Joel. "I'll figure it out, though, an' let you know."
"You'll... figure it out? How?"
"Well, if I knew that, I'd prob'ly already know the answer, so..."
"There is no answer."
"Sure there is. I'll think on it an' get back to you, all right? In the meantime, don' worry about it."
Of course he wanted to solve this problem for her. That was just his way. She was certain he wouldn't find a solution to this one, but it was super sweet that he was going to try. "I love you."
"I know -- that's the problem, ain't it?" he teased. "Maybe I'll have to... do shit to make you not love me so much."
Ellie giggled a little, in spite of herself. "Except even when you piss me off, I still love you anyways."
"Damn. Well, I'll come up with somethin'."
"Okay, so how am I not supposed to worry about it in the meantime?"
"You jus'... we'll be happy, jus' bein' together. Wherever we are."
Back to square zero! He'd given enough verbal cues for her to know he didn't really want to discuss death and doom anymore, and she felt kind of done with it herself. At least for now. "We're staying here for at least... three more months?" she asked.
"Three or four."
"Okay." That was a long time; they'd only been together (as boyfriend/girlfriend, anyway) for five months! The future was just... a big fog of uncertainty. The only guarantee they had was right now. This moment. As much as it twisted her gut when the implications hit her, it would always be the truth. Ellie pulled away from him and found the rock where she'd dropped it in the sand. She took his hand and laid the rock in his palm, closing his fingers around it. "I think you should be the one who throws this away. Throw it as far as you can."
He looked at her a moment, then gave her a small nod. "All right." He took her hand again with his free one, and silently waded into the ocean with her. The water came up nearly to her waist if a big wave broke in front of them, but they weren't far enough out that she had to jump them. Holding his hand, she felt safe doing nothing at all, just letting the waves rush on by. He stood rooted to the spot he seemed to have chosen as a launching pad, watching the way the sunlight danced across the water... or maybe not seeing it at all.
Ellie was watching his face now, not the ocean. She saw his jaw twitch... a muscle in his cheek. His eyes were kind of... hazy. She really couldn't tell what he was thinking. After a few more moments, he wound up his arm and threw that rock so far that Ellie couldn't even see where it landed (although that may have been due to the waves tumbling toward them? but she liked to think it was because he launched it hard enough to get it incredibly far away from himself -- as far as humanly possible, if not farther!). She let him look out there silently for another few moments, then she turned his cheek toward her and kissed him sweetly. "I'm proud of you."
He smiled. "That's cute."
"Shut up -- I'm allowed to be proud of you for that. Just you admitting that you're not... bad... that's huge."
"Don' put words in my mouth. I never said--"
"I mean in this way, silly! Although... that would be the biggest fucking step ever if you could realize that, too."
"We still doin' steps?"
"Yes! Until you admit you're a good person."
"I'm a good person," he said easily. Too easily.
Ellie gave him a playful shove. "You have to mean it."
Joel snorted. "You don' really want me to be a good person. Good ones don' last long in this world."
"Well, what are you calling 'good'? Someone who's never killed anyone? Then I'm a bad person, too."
"You ain't bad. You're the best person I know."
She could've retorted snidely that he obviously didn't know too many good people then... but she knew he truly believed it, and there was no use arguing. "Okay, then I'm dead. You just said they don't last long!" Guess we can't NOT talk about death for very long...
"Maybe they do when they've got a bad person lookin' out for 'em, yeah?"
She swatted him. "Then what about all these other people here? And everyone in Jackson? All doomed? Or all bad?"
"Maybe half'n'half. All I care about is you'n'me."
She giggled. "Liar. I know you love Tommy."
"Tommy can kiss my ass."
"Whatever! You do. You always say you're bad and he's good and that's why you had that falling out years ago. So if he's-- hey!" She didn't protest too much when he started kissing her mid-sentence, but it did make her laugh.
"Why are we talkin' 'bout my brother?" He kissed her jaw... her throat...
Of course, when he got to her neck, like right below her ear, she really melted. "I have no idea... mmm... do you always have to end conversations this way?"
He pulled up and smirked at her. "No -- sometimes you end 'em this way."
She giggled. "But I actually like talking to you so why would I want it to stop?"
"Well, if you don' like what I'm sayin'..."
"Oh! Yeah, like when you lecture me." She may have used kisses to distract Joel from the urge to impart his wisdom a time or two...
"I don't... lecture, so much as... jus'..."
"Lecture. Yes, that's the actual word for it." She snickered. "I'm your girlfriend now. That means you can't do it anymore, right?"
Joel heaved a long-suffering sigh. "That's a pretty tall order, kiddo. Not sure I can do that."
"Well... I'm also a woman now. Right? So... I'll help you out. I won't do anything that you feel like you need to lecture me for. How 'bout that?"
"Jury's still out on the woman thing."
"But--"
He silenced her with another kiss. "Havin' sex... don' make you any more or less mature than you were before, remember. We’ve talked about this. Sometimes I would swear you're much older than fifteen... which ain't necessarily a good thing. There's... good things, about bein' a kid. An' you still got some. Don't grow up too fast, all right? At least not all the way."
Sometimes Joel seemed to agree with her young woman assessment, and sometimes he seemed to still want her to be a little girl; she found it a little odd that this time was the latter when he’d just ditched that rock. But it’s okay… I can be both! "Don't worry, Joel. I'll always be your baby girl. No matter how old I am." ...right?? Oh God... if he says that has to stop at some point, I think I might cry! ...why isn't he saying anything? "Unless... unless you think that's... too childish, or something..."
"You look worried." He smoothed her hair back and smiled at her adoringly. "Yes, baby girl, you'll always be my baby girl."
She smiled, relieved. "Good! Baby woman just doesn't sound right."
He laughed. "Uh... no. I'm glad you don' take offense to bein' a girl, then, in this case."
"It's not that I was offended... I just wanted you to realize I'm old enough to... be with you. To make you happy."
"You've always made--"
"You know what I mean! Happy in that way. As happy as you make me, if that's even possible."
Whenever she mentioned how happy she was -- especially how happy he made her -- she could practically see the joy blooming in his face. 'Practically,' because... well, he was still Joel -- and the differences were subtle. But I can see it because I love him so much, and now I'm even more in tune with him than ever before... body, mind, and soul... She pulled his face to hers and kissed him. Softly at first... then, when he didn't pull away, she parted her lips, tasting him with the tip of her tongue. She kissed him until she felt dizzy, then kissed him some more... his arms were snugly around her, keeping her from falling in the water. He seemed perfectly content with the kissing, but she wondered... she sneakily slid a hand down his back. All the way down to his ass, slipping it inside his swim trunks.
"What're you up to?" he murmured against her lips.
"Nothing," she said innocently, trying not to giggle. "You know, I do want us to do it out here..."
"In the ocean? In broad daylight?"
"Or in our little cave room thing."
"Still broad daylight. Anyone could come over here..."
"So? Doesn't that make it even more exciting?" She waggled her eyebrows at him.
"You're a naughty girl. And I... ain't no exhibitionist. Those kids are playin' right down the beach there."
"Way over there. Building sand... things."
"You said that other boy comes over here."
"Parker? Yeah, so?" She giggled. "So we'll give him an education."
"You mean jerk-off material."
"Ha! I don't think he--"
"He's sixteen."
Ellie knew that Joel thought all teenage boys were perpetually horny. "That doesn't mean--"
"Yes it does. An' I don' want anyone lookin' at my baby girl. We'll come back here at night some time--"
"Tonight?" she asked hopefully. "The moon is sort of full now..." ...and you said no to me on the LAST full moon already... although I didn't try that hard, really...
"It still gets cold."
"We don't have to get totally naked this time -- and if we bring lots of blankets, no one will see anything... please? Pleeease, Joel?"
"Ellie..."
He's wavering! "Come on, tonight would be perfect -- the same day you threw the rock away, so it's like... a 'fuck you' to all that..."
He sighed. "Someday I'll learn how to say no to you when you look at me like that."
"But not today, you won't! Yay!" she squealed and kissed him. "Let's play in the water. Come on! I'll hold your hand the whole time."
She was a little more experienced with the ocean now, although not enough that Joel would let Sophie give her bodyboard lessons -- and certainly not for Jeffrey, the self-proclaimed surfer dude of the place, to give her any surf or swim lessons. That may have had more to do with misplaced jealousy than anything else (and Ellie couldn't help pretending to be interested in such lessons sometimes, just to get him riled up for no good reason -- Joel was so cute when he was jealous!). Anyway, he had finally conceded that she didn't need constant hand-holding. Still, she knew he felt more comfortable when they held hands -- and that it had more to do with his fears than with her skill. Possibly going all the way back to Salt Lake City, when she'd nearly drowned. All these things I can't even remember... they left scars on him. They hurt him more than they hurt me!
She tugged him out farther into the ocean, pausing to jump through a wave here and there. It wasn't like holding his hand was a hardship for her, either. It was a loving gesture. A sign of closeness and affection. Maybe he was a little overprotective of her... okay, a LOT overprotective... but Ellie didn't mind. In fact, she liked it. Why WOULDN'T I like such solid proof that he loves me like crazy? Contrary to what some people back home seemed to believe, he wasn't smothering her or holding her back. Ellie didn't see it that way at all; in fact, she saw it as quite the opposite.
After all, holding his hand allowed her to venture out farther than she ever could have gone on her own.
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Date: 2020-08-20 02:39 pm (UTC)Glad you enjoyed!
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