Fic: "Baby Bird"
Jul. 14th, 2019 10:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12Title: "Baby Bird"
Fandom: The Last of Us
Characters: Joel & Ellie (not paired... although it's Joellie-friendly?)
Word Count: 2007
Rating: PG-13
Summary: "It's always the same: Ellie, lost in a sea of drifting bodies... me, absolutely powerless to stop it."
Author's Notes: I guess my muse likes this ninja-posting thing? Lol.
Somehow this came out as 1st person POV (Joel), and present tense, neither of which I normally do >.>
~
It's always the same: Ellie, lost in a sea of drifting bodies... me, absolutely powerless to stop it.
Followed by me, waking in a cold sweat, panicked, in need of a security trip down the hall to hear my baby girl's deep, even sleep-breathing. Of course she's still here. She ain't goin' nowhere.
You would think that after four or five nights of the same damn dream, my dream self would learn. Try to course-correct somehow, somewhere, to prevent the outcome. But nope -- he's a dumb motherfucker. Happy as a pig in shit to be in some amusement park... Universal Studios, or maybe Disneyland (though the big mouse never makes an appearance, so maybe not)... some old-world place I wish I could take Ellie. It ain't the county fair: it's flashier, bigger... unfamiliar. We're having a grand old time: riding the rides, eating junk, looking at this and that... Ellie, animated and joyful, squealing in delight over everything. None of that stands out specifically... it's just the general feeling that repeats itself in every dream. A happy feeling that starts to fade when the lights and shit turn garish, and the crowd pushes in on us, seemingly doubling in size in no time at all. Not an angry mob or anything, just... faceless masses, moving like a herd of cattle.
A herd that swallows Ellie whole before I even know what's happening. I don't feel her hand slip out of mine. Don't sense her moving away until it's too late. That might be what bothers me most about it afterwards -- not just my lack of vigilance, but her lack of... she don't even yell for me. And if this was real? She would not only holler real loud -- she'd fight to break free. And I would mow down every hapless bastard in between me and Ellie to get to her. But in the dream, I know it's too late, the moment I realize I've lost sight of her. Like I've really lost her. Before dream-me can even begin to process that, I wake up.
I ain't usually one to analyze shit like this... everyone has bad dreams. But why the hell am I having the same one again and again? It's like my brain wants me to figure something out. This nightmare... it ain't even a replay of something that happened in the past. And it don't make much sense, because Ellie is small, yes, but not... four-year-old-small. I remember having a few panicky moments when Sarah was real little... I think every parent's had those. You lose sight of your kid for a second, visions of a creep in a white van flash through your mind, and then you spot her chasing a butterfly or something. No van. So is the dream some kind of manifestation of that old parental fear? And the crowd... now that we're living in civilization again -- if you could consider a podunk town like Jackson civilization (it's all relative, I suppose) -- is Ellie not as safe here as I like to think she is?
But they ain't angry... and she might even be going with them willingly. Does that mean something? Maybe it ain't so much that I'm afraid of losing her-losing her, just... losing her. Baby birds do grow up and fly away from their nests.
Hearing Ellie's breathing for a few moments ain't enough this time; I know sleep won't come again tonight, at least not in my bed, so I ease myself onto the floor and lean against hers. This... is a problem.
It was a lot simpler when all I had to worry about was keeping Ellie alive. More nerve-wracking, maybe... okay, not just maybe. But it was different. We had one goal. Nothing else mattered. We took things day by day. We knew it was a long shot, just making it through any of those days alive, so there was no use worrying about tomorrow. That was best left for tomorrow.
Am I just afraid of being a parent again? I'm rusty as hell, and I'm a completely different man now from when I was a dad. But Ellie's not so much a child as a miniature adult... still a teenager, though. In need of guidance.
I have to snort at that. I'm hardly a good role model. Only thing I'm fit to guide her on is how to kill people.
"Joel?" a sleepy voice mumbles.
Shit. I didn't mean to wake her. I hold my breath. It's pretty damn dark in here; maybe she'll just go right back to sleep. At least she didn't pull a gun on me this time... that happened on the road once or twice.
"Joellllll..." Her hand flops around blindly in the dark, landing on my head. "What're you doing?"
I exhale. "Go back to sleep, baby girl."
No such luck. "What're you doing?" she repeats, letting her hand fall back to her side.
"Nothin'."
She seems to ponder that a moment. "Can't sleep?"
"Can't sleep," I admit.
I hear her shifting a bit, and I imagine her propping herself up on her elbow. "Nightmare?"
"No... jus' can't sleep." Ellie doesn't need to hear about my shit.
She's quiet again, for longer than a moment this time. Maybe I was wrong about the elbow and she's actually drifting back off to--
"When I have a nightmare, sometimes I crawl into bed with you," she says... for some reason. I just told her it wasn't a nightmare.
"You do," I acknowledge. It's cute as hell... tough little Ellie who never takes shit from anyone, and can dole out death better than most men I know, afraid to close her eyes when she's perfectly safe. She never wants to talk about it, either... She don't like showing weakness, even if it's just to me. She just comes in and sleeps, and she's always gone by morning. Like it never happened.
"I can return the favor," she offers. So sweet, when she wants to be.
"Your bed's too small," I counter.
"So it was a nightmare!" she cries, triumphant.
"I didn' say that." Why does she have to read something into every little thing? I feel the hand return to my head... fingers idly stroking my hair. I wonder if she even knows that's a gesture of comfort.
"I'll come to your bed, if you want?" she suggests. I hear a suppressed yawn in there.
"No, you jus' go back to sleep now." I remove her comforting fingers and pat her hand in thanks before starting to rise.
"No!" She reaches for me... grazes my shoulder... and I sit back down. "I'm awake now. And you came in here, so. You wanna talk."
I have to chuckle at that. "Why would I come sit next to a sleepin' person if I wanted to talk?"
"Maybe you knew I'd wake up. Not like anyone else here will be awake this late." She snorts. "Not like you'd talk to anyone else here. ...right?"
I smile to myself. Ellie and I are still figuring out what we are, how to relate to each other... and she's still insecure sometimes. "Right. You're stuck with me, kiddo."
"Good."
See? She DOESN'T wanna go with them. Whoever 'they' are. Go back to bed, old man. "Sorry I woke you. Go back to sleep."
"Will you stay with me?"
...huh. That's weird. It ain't like she sought me out. "Ellie--"
"Please?"
"You don' need me to fall back asleep right now," I point out patiently. I need YOU, though...
"Yes I do! Please?"
...and she knows it. She knows I don't want to be alone right now -- this is all for my benefit.
I might as well play along. "You can sleep in my bed if you want," I concede. "Just this once."
"Okay."
Five minutes later, I think she might already be asleep again, lying beside me with her arm brushing mine, but it turns out she was just thinking.
"Joel?"
"Hmm."
"Do you think we're going to stay in Jackson forever?"
And now I wanna know what she's been thinking in those five minutes that led her to ask me this. "I don' know. Forever's a long time. Why do you ask?"
She hesitates. "Just... sometimes I think there's too many people here."
...whoa. How is she doing this? "Yeah? You think so?"
"Sometimes. It's sort of like... a weird alone-in-the-crowd feeling, you know?"
Like you're being swallowed by a herd of cattle?.... I try to forget the stupid dream for a moment and listen to what she's actually saying. "That girl still givin' you a hard time? You told me she--"
"No, it's not that. She's... whatever. If we left... I guess we don't have a lot of options, huh."
I know she's talking about her 'condition.' Living in a Zone ain't an option anymore -- not legally, anyway. We'd have to smuggle her in and out. Keep her hidden. The second anyone scans her or sees her arm, she's dead. At least here, she has a chance to be accepted. She's being more careful of other people than I expected. More quiet and reserved. Acting more like me -- and I don't think that's necessarily a good thing. "I know you don' feel like you belong here yet--"
"You don't either," she interjects.
It's true. But I don't care about me right now. "Give it time. We've only been here a few weeks." I know everyone will love Ellie once they get to know her. Hell, if she can get someone like me to love her, without even trying... but I keep this thought to myself. "There were plenty more people in Boston, remember?"
She sighs. "Yeah, I know. But that was before."
I don't ask her "before what?" because I know what she means. I have the same before etched into my own psyche. And for Ellie... it probably cuts a little deeper, given her age and lack of life experience. She'd never even set foot outside the QZ before. Never killed a man before. And from the sound of it, she'd never had someone give a damn about her before. Oh, there was Marlene... that bitch had given maybe half a damn, if that. When it mattered -- really mattered -- Marlene turned on her in a heartbeat. Ellie did have a best friend, though, I remember now. Okay, so just no ADULT who stepped up and assumed the role of parent, then. Every kid needs that. I took that on when I carried her out of the hospital... no, before that. Way before. When I found that I couldn't ditch her at Tommy's. And a failure of a parent is still better than no parent at all, yeah?
I won't fail her, though... I won't. I can't.
I sense her slipping away... but only into sleep. That's all. To my surprise, I find that I'm feeling drowsy now myself. But we ain't done with our talk yet... "Ellie," I whisper.
"...yeah...?"
"You feel like you're... drownin', or... lost... you jus' yell for me, all right?" That didn't come out the way I wanted it to, and I wonder if she knows what I meant to say. She does, sometimes...
"Mmkay," she mumbles, and I still don't really know if she heard me right. 'Overwhelmed' was probably the word I wanted. ...And 'let me know,' rather than 'yell.' Maybe we should talk some more tomorrow.
"G'night, baby girl."
"Night..."
I don't remember hearing her fall asleep, so I reckon I fell first.
If I had any more dreams, I don't remember those, either. I sleep like a dead thing, not waking until the morning sun starts creeping into the room.
Ellie's still there, still asleep... on her stomach, facing me. Wearing the most peaceful expression. Serenity like that ONLY comes when we're asleep... if we're lucky. I just watch her for a minute, wondering what she's dreaming about... where she's gone. Wishing she could take me with her.
Fandom: The Last of Us
Characters: Joel & Ellie (not paired... although it's Joellie-friendly?)
Word Count: 2007
Rating: PG-13
Summary: "It's always the same: Ellie, lost in a sea of drifting bodies... me, absolutely powerless to stop it."
Author's Notes: I guess my muse likes this ninja-posting thing? Lol.
Somehow this came out as 1st person POV (Joel), and present tense, neither of which I normally do >.>
~
It's always the same: Ellie, lost in a sea of drifting bodies... me, absolutely powerless to stop it.
Followed by me, waking in a cold sweat, panicked, in need of a security trip down the hall to hear my baby girl's deep, even sleep-breathing. Of course she's still here. She ain't goin' nowhere.
You would think that after four or five nights of the same damn dream, my dream self would learn. Try to course-correct somehow, somewhere, to prevent the outcome. But nope -- he's a dumb motherfucker. Happy as a pig in shit to be in some amusement park... Universal Studios, or maybe Disneyland (though the big mouse never makes an appearance, so maybe not)... some old-world place I wish I could take Ellie. It ain't the county fair: it's flashier, bigger... unfamiliar. We're having a grand old time: riding the rides, eating junk, looking at this and that... Ellie, animated and joyful, squealing in delight over everything. None of that stands out specifically... it's just the general feeling that repeats itself in every dream. A happy feeling that starts to fade when the lights and shit turn garish, and the crowd pushes in on us, seemingly doubling in size in no time at all. Not an angry mob or anything, just... faceless masses, moving like a herd of cattle.
A herd that swallows Ellie whole before I even know what's happening. I don't feel her hand slip out of mine. Don't sense her moving away until it's too late. That might be what bothers me most about it afterwards -- not just my lack of vigilance, but her lack of... she don't even yell for me. And if this was real? She would not only holler real loud -- she'd fight to break free. And I would mow down every hapless bastard in between me and Ellie to get to her. But in the dream, I know it's too late, the moment I realize I've lost sight of her. Like I've really lost her. Before dream-me can even begin to process that, I wake up.
I ain't usually one to analyze shit like this... everyone has bad dreams. But why the hell am I having the same one again and again? It's like my brain wants me to figure something out. This nightmare... it ain't even a replay of something that happened in the past. And it don't make much sense, because Ellie is small, yes, but not... four-year-old-small. I remember having a few panicky moments when Sarah was real little... I think every parent's had those. You lose sight of your kid for a second, visions of a creep in a white van flash through your mind, and then you spot her chasing a butterfly or something. No van. So is the dream some kind of manifestation of that old parental fear? And the crowd... now that we're living in civilization again -- if you could consider a podunk town like Jackson civilization (it's all relative, I suppose) -- is Ellie not as safe here as I like to think she is?
But they ain't angry... and she might even be going with them willingly. Does that mean something? Maybe it ain't so much that I'm afraid of losing her-losing her, just... losing her. Baby birds do grow up and fly away from their nests.
Hearing Ellie's breathing for a few moments ain't enough this time; I know sleep won't come again tonight, at least not in my bed, so I ease myself onto the floor and lean against hers. This... is a problem.
It was a lot simpler when all I had to worry about was keeping Ellie alive. More nerve-wracking, maybe... okay, not just maybe. But it was different. We had one goal. Nothing else mattered. We took things day by day. We knew it was a long shot, just making it through any of those days alive, so there was no use worrying about tomorrow. That was best left for tomorrow.
Am I just afraid of being a parent again? I'm rusty as hell, and I'm a completely different man now from when I was a dad. But Ellie's not so much a child as a miniature adult... still a teenager, though. In need of guidance.
I have to snort at that. I'm hardly a good role model. Only thing I'm fit to guide her on is how to kill people.
"Joel?" a sleepy voice mumbles.
Shit. I didn't mean to wake her. I hold my breath. It's pretty damn dark in here; maybe she'll just go right back to sleep. At least she didn't pull a gun on me this time... that happened on the road once or twice.
"Joellllll..." Her hand flops around blindly in the dark, landing on my head. "What're you doing?"
I exhale. "Go back to sleep, baby girl."
No such luck. "What're you doing?" she repeats, letting her hand fall back to her side.
"Nothin'."
She seems to ponder that a moment. "Can't sleep?"
"Can't sleep," I admit.
I hear her shifting a bit, and I imagine her propping herself up on her elbow. "Nightmare?"
"No... jus' can't sleep." Ellie doesn't need to hear about my shit.
She's quiet again, for longer than a moment this time. Maybe I was wrong about the elbow and she's actually drifting back off to--
"When I have a nightmare, sometimes I crawl into bed with you," she says... for some reason. I just told her it wasn't a nightmare.
"You do," I acknowledge. It's cute as hell... tough little Ellie who never takes shit from anyone, and can dole out death better than most men I know, afraid to close her eyes when she's perfectly safe. She never wants to talk about it, either... She don't like showing weakness, even if it's just to me. She just comes in and sleeps, and she's always gone by morning. Like it never happened.
"I can return the favor," she offers. So sweet, when she wants to be.
"Your bed's too small," I counter.
"So it was a nightmare!" she cries, triumphant.
"I didn' say that." Why does she have to read something into every little thing? I feel the hand return to my head... fingers idly stroking my hair. I wonder if she even knows that's a gesture of comfort.
"I'll come to your bed, if you want?" she suggests. I hear a suppressed yawn in there.
"No, you jus' go back to sleep now." I remove her comforting fingers and pat her hand in thanks before starting to rise.
"No!" She reaches for me... grazes my shoulder... and I sit back down. "I'm awake now. And you came in here, so. You wanna talk."
I have to chuckle at that. "Why would I come sit next to a sleepin' person if I wanted to talk?"
"Maybe you knew I'd wake up. Not like anyone else here will be awake this late." She snorts. "Not like you'd talk to anyone else here. ...right?"
I smile to myself. Ellie and I are still figuring out what we are, how to relate to each other... and she's still insecure sometimes. "Right. You're stuck with me, kiddo."
"Good."
See? She DOESN'T wanna go with them. Whoever 'they' are. Go back to bed, old man. "Sorry I woke you. Go back to sleep."
"Will you stay with me?"
...huh. That's weird. It ain't like she sought me out. "Ellie--"
"Please?"
"You don' need me to fall back asleep right now," I point out patiently. I need YOU, though...
"Yes I do! Please?"
...and she knows it. She knows I don't want to be alone right now -- this is all for my benefit.
I might as well play along. "You can sleep in my bed if you want," I concede. "Just this once."
"Okay."
Five minutes later, I think she might already be asleep again, lying beside me with her arm brushing mine, but it turns out she was just thinking.
"Joel?"
"Hmm."
"Do you think we're going to stay in Jackson forever?"
And now I wanna know what she's been thinking in those five minutes that led her to ask me this. "I don' know. Forever's a long time. Why do you ask?"
She hesitates. "Just... sometimes I think there's too many people here."
...whoa. How is she doing this? "Yeah? You think so?"
"Sometimes. It's sort of like... a weird alone-in-the-crowd feeling, you know?"
Like you're being swallowed by a herd of cattle?.... I try to forget the stupid dream for a moment and listen to what she's actually saying. "That girl still givin' you a hard time? You told me she--"
"No, it's not that. She's... whatever. If we left... I guess we don't have a lot of options, huh."
I know she's talking about her 'condition.' Living in a Zone ain't an option anymore -- not legally, anyway. We'd have to smuggle her in and out. Keep her hidden. The second anyone scans her or sees her arm, she's dead. At least here, she has a chance to be accepted. She's being more careful of other people than I expected. More quiet and reserved. Acting more like me -- and I don't think that's necessarily a good thing. "I know you don' feel like you belong here yet--"
"You don't either," she interjects.
It's true. But I don't care about me right now. "Give it time. We've only been here a few weeks." I know everyone will love Ellie once they get to know her. Hell, if she can get someone like me to love her, without even trying... but I keep this thought to myself. "There were plenty more people in Boston, remember?"
She sighs. "Yeah, I know. But that was before."
I don't ask her "before what?" because I know what she means. I have the same before etched into my own psyche. And for Ellie... it probably cuts a little deeper, given her age and lack of life experience. She'd never even set foot outside the QZ before. Never killed a man before. And from the sound of it, she'd never had someone give a damn about her before. Oh, there was Marlene... that bitch had given maybe half a damn, if that. When it mattered -- really mattered -- Marlene turned on her in a heartbeat. Ellie did have a best friend, though, I remember now. Okay, so just no ADULT who stepped up and assumed the role of parent, then. Every kid needs that. I took that on when I carried her out of the hospital... no, before that. Way before. When I found that I couldn't ditch her at Tommy's. And a failure of a parent is still better than no parent at all, yeah?
I won't fail her, though... I won't. I can't.
I sense her slipping away... but only into sleep. That's all. To my surprise, I find that I'm feeling drowsy now myself. But we ain't done with our talk yet... "Ellie," I whisper.
"...yeah...?"
"You feel like you're... drownin', or... lost... you jus' yell for me, all right?" That didn't come out the way I wanted it to, and I wonder if she knows what I meant to say. She does, sometimes...
"Mmkay," she mumbles, and I still don't really know if she heard me right. 'Overwhelmed' was probably the word I wanted. ...And 'let me know,' rather than 'yell.' Maybe we should talk some more tomorrow.
"G'night, baby girl."
"Night..."
I don't remember hearing her fall asleep, so I reckon I fell first.
If I had any more dreams, I don't remember those, either. I sleep like a dead thing, not waking until the morning sun starts creeping into the room.
Ellie's still there, still asleep... on her stomach, facing me. Wearing the most peaceful expression. Serenity like that ONLY comes when we're asleep... if we're lucky. I just watch her for a minute, wondering what she's dreaming about... where she's gone. Wishing she could take me with her.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Carlos
Date: 2019-07-15 11:48 pm (UTC)It was nice to see Joel having bad dream and Ellie be treated want to try to give him some company and comfort. Is going to be nice to know if Ellie one day going to know the truth about what Joel did.
It was a nice one shot, thanks for sharing it with me. : D
Re: Carlos
Date: 2019-07-16 01:36 am (UTC)I like it both ways... where she does know and where she doesn't. You could make a case for either. I don't think she'd be able to leave him though ♥ no matter what.
Thank YOU for reading it!
Re: Carlos
Date: 2019-07-16 03:21 am (UTC)I hope they said something about that on the next part. LoL
RE: Re: Carlos
Date: 2019-07-16 04:03 am (UTC)You can't tell me if they do. I'll be over here still pretending it doesn't exist so nothing is ruined :)
Re: Re: Carlos
Date: 2019-07-16 10:40 am (UTC)Anyway I just hope they don't ruined the story.
RE: Re: Re: Carlos
Date: 2019-07-16 01:38 pm (UTC)I wrote about that on here a few years ago, actually. I could find it for when you get bored at work and need something to read? lol
Also, I'm sort of a hypocrite, I know, because I'm annoyed at GoT fandom for bitching about how awful Season 8 was. It's my favorite season! So I think "shut up and go write your own ending then"... which is exactly what they're doing -- the ones I see online, of course. But as soon as I see a A/N with some bitching about the canon, I hit the back button, even if the story looks good. What's up with that?? Sheesh.
Re: Re: Re: Carlos
Date: 2019-07-16 03:26 pm (UTC)Yeah I don't know what happened to people and on the fandom. People can write whatever they want do I don't know why some complain so much.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-22 01:42 pm (UTC)I imagine Joel worries -- like every loving parent does with their children -- that his baby girl will eventually grow tired of him with time and will want to move on. What I don't think he realizes is, Ellie feels the same way about him. He has yet to understand that, though they are two different pieces of a puzzle, they are the only two pieces that fit together -- in a puzzle with only two pieces.
Home is where the heart is, as they say. And, Ellie's heart will always belong to Joel. So, don't worry so much, Joel... Ellie loves you just as much as you love her. 'Baby bird' may fly away from time to time to explore and experience new things... but she will always long for, and want to return to... home.
Another beautiful story, Lumy! Thank you!! =*)
Justin -- EllieandJoel4ever
no subject
Date: 2019-07-23 01:40 am (UTC)I wonder if they'll ever really comprehend how much they mean to the other. Unless they can swap bodies for a day, I don't think they'll ever know! Not just bodies of course but spirits... that would be an entertaining AU fic. *snickers evilly*
Thank YOU -- glad you enjoyed it ♥