CYOA Page 82
Sep. 14th, 2013 02:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12I'm so good at this! you think happily as the horses plod onward. Whether it's your awesome powers of persuasion or Joel's awesome love for you that does the trick, you're not certain, but either way, it's... well, awesome!
Joel would disagree. He's scowling... like, more than usual. Especially when a light rain begins to fall. But Joel will be fine -- you're more worried about your patient. You try to bring the hood of the hoodie-pillow up over his face to protect it from the rain, but you can't pull it down far enough, and besides, you don't want to smother the guy. Rain misting over his face is probably the least of his worries anyway. ...or second-least, because Joel said his poor bare feet are the least!
When you start riding again, Joel looks at you sternly. "If it starts comin' down any harder, we're stoppin'."
That stern look has lost all meaning by now, though. When the rain gets more drizzly than misty, he doesn't say anything. Neither of you says a word for another half hour or so. You're freezing, but you're certainly not going to give Joel the satisfaction of complaining about it.
Then you hear something that goose-pimples your flesh even more than the cold: the howl of a wolf. Echoed by the howl of another wolf, both to your left. "Uh... how close do you think that is?" you ask Joel nervously.
"Too damn close," is his not-at-all-reassuring answer.
You look around... would you be able to see their eyes gleaming in the darkness? The horses don't seem scared. That has to be a good sign, right?
Joel has the rifle ready. He hands you the shotgun. "Just in case." Then he glances backward. "I think we should cut him loose."
"What?! No way."
"He's just about dead already. If the horse starts runnin'--"
"We'll shoot the fucking wolves and then he won't need to run away," you reason. Another wolf howls... or maybe, hopefully, it's one of the first two. "And didn't we pick these horses because guns don't spook them?"
"Even trained horses can be unpredictable at times." Joel frowns. "An' I'm pretty sure they'll be scared of the wolves if they attack. I just wish we knew how many of 'em there are."
This time, the howl comes from your right. Fuck! "Well, we're not going to sacrifice him to the wolves. We're just not."
Joel doesn't push it. He keeps looking around, same as you. The night is eerily quiet... when it's not being pierced by fucking howls, that is. You almost wish they'd quit torturing you and attack already...
...until they do! It happens so fast -- they come flying in from both sides -- your horse tosses you like a salad -- except harder, and faster, and you hear gunshots -- Joel! --
You tuck your body the way you've been taught, and the tumble you take isn't so bad. You might've had a better chance of staying on if you hadn't been holding the-- where the fuck is the gun?! You dropped it when you fell. The 9-millimeter is still in its holster, though -- and a fucking wolf is coming! -- you whip it out just in time to fire at the leaping beast, hitting it right between the eyes.
"Ellie!"
Another shot rings out...
"Joel! Where are you!" You scramble to your feet and look around wildly. That shot didn't come from right next to you...
There he is! You hear him running toward you before your light even picks him up. "Joel!" You meet him halfway, flinging yourself into his arms -- one of which is all bloodied up. "Are you okay? You're hurt!" You step back immediately to take a closer look.
"Just a scratch. What about you?" Joel looks you over... and brushes you off, because you didn't bother doing that yourself and must have dirt and grass all over you.
"I'm okay."
"The fall didn't hurt you?"
"No, I'm fine." You'll probably be sore tomorrow, but nothing's broken!
"The wolf?"
You turn and point your light at its dead body. "How many of them were there?"
"Four."
"So... you got three and I only got one. Awesome."
Joel chuckles. "It ain't a competition. You got thrown."
"And you didn't? Where are the horses, anyway?"
Joel quits picking things off you and cups your face in his hands. "If you stop an' listen for a second, you'll hear one."
"What?" You listen. ...oh God, what IS that?... It's far away... and it doesn't sound like a horse. "What do you mean I'll hear one... that sounds more like..."
"A horse. Screamin' in pain." Joel tries to hug you again...
...but you're not in the mood to be comforted. "Oh my God -- what happened?!"
"Don' know. Summer started to gallop away... I couldn't get her to stop or turn around so I had to jump off an' run back here. It wasn't that far, though... they must've ran a bit, before..."
"Before what?"
"I don' know what happened," he repeats. "Let's go find out." He takes your hand, but you can't just stroll along hand in hand right now -- you slip your hand away from his and start running, letting that horrible sound be your guide.
You hear Joel calling after you to be careful, and you do realize you can't run at this speed for long, so you slow down a little, and he catches up to you. "Slow down," he urges you, panting. "There's nothin' -- you can do!"
You don't want to believe that. You've got first aid supplies... there should be something you can do to help! There's always something--
When you finally reach the scene, your heart lurches: it's your horse, Lucky, laying on his side over some river rocks at the edge of a little stream, back legs tangled in rope... it's a horrific sight. Your patient is still secured on the pallets, but is positioned perpendicular to the horse rather than behind him.
You rush over there, noting the unevenness of the ground... the slight downward sloping toward the stream... the rocks, not all of which are round and smooth... did he trip somehow? Did the rope cause him to fall somehow? Did the rope itself trip him? You wish he could tell you... but it doesn't really matter, does it? You know that this is your fault, no matter what happened. Fighting tears, you cradle the horse's head in your hands and try to soothe him... pet his nose the way he likes... The screaming is more like moaning now, which you suppose is an improvement?
Joel arrives at the spot just after you and looks at the horse while you try (in vain, it seems) to comfort him. "This one's broken," he observes, indicating one of Lucky's front legs. "An' there's blood, comin' from... underneath him... I'm sorry, Ellie. We have to..."
You lay your cheek against Lucky's, unable to stop the tears from gushing out now. You know Joel is right, and you don't want the poor animal to suffer any more than he already has. You close your eyes tight and wish really hard that this wasn't happening right now... that you could go back and do it all differently...
You feel a hand on your back. "C'mon, kiddo. Get up."
You want to say goodbye, but you can't speak through the tears. You give Lucky a goodbye kiss instead and rise just to your knees, unwilling to leave him to his fate. You pet his mane... and ignore Joel when he says your name again...
"I ain't gonna do it with you right there." Joel finally just takes your arms and lifts you up himself, and you don't fight it. He leads you away, his arm around your shoulders. "I'm sorry, baby girl. It'll be real quick."
You don't watch. You know Joel doesn't want to do it, either... that you should be the one doing it, since it's all your fault. You hug yourself and sob quietly. The gunshot, even though it was expected, still makes you jump... and the moaning stops.
Joel comes up behind you and wraps his arms around you silently. You turn around and muffle your crying with his shirt. I don't deserve to be comforted. I deserve a lecture and a "I told you so."
But even after your tears subside, Joel is too fucking sweet to give you either of those. You finally remember that you haven't even looked at your patient since you got here, and abruptly pull away. "Fuck! He's never gonna make it now, is he."
Before you can even start to go to him, Joel puts his hands on your shoulders. "Don't bother, Ellie. He's gone."
"He's... what? How do you know?"
"I checked."
"What, did he break his neck or something?"
"I don' think so. I think his time was up, that's all. It could've happened back there, before the wolves."
You study his face, and for the life of you, you can't tell if he's lying to make you feel better... but you realize it doesn't matter. The guy died, and your horse died, and it was all for nothing. You shove that thought aside though as a more pressing one hits you: "Where's Summer?"
"We'll find her tomorrow. Or maybe she'll come back on her own."
"Oh my God, Joel... I completely fucked up this whole thing."
"No--"
"Yes I did! Of course I did! I'm sorry... I'm sooooo sorry... stop being so nice to me!" You turn away from him.
"Sorry, can't do that. I love you."
You shrug off his attempt to hug you. "But I don't deserve it. How can you still..." You bite your lip.
"How can I what? Love you? It's real easy."
You laugh mirthlessly. "Well, you can stop now."
"Ellie, look at me. Please."
You know he's going to be sweet and kind and you really don't want to look at him right now... but you do.
"All of this was as much my fault as it is yours."
"No, you didn't want--"
"It don' matter. I'm the adult. It's my respon--"
"Oh, bullshit! I made you do what I wanted!"
Joel is about to answer that, but then seems to think better of it and abruptly switches gears. "Fine. We're in this together. We decide things together. But that's beside the point. The point is... nothin' you do will make me stop lovin' you."
You snort. "Yeah, you've said that before. I could stab your eyeballs with a fork and you'd still love me."
"That's right."
"But you'd at least be upset with me. You're not even mad at me right now? Why?"
"I guess I... I feel bad 'cause I know you're hurtin'. I just wanna help you. I don't want you beatin' yourself up over this. It was an accident. That's all."
An accident that wouldn't have happened if you'd done what Joel wanted -- first, by leaving this guy behind, and second, by making camp for the night. Of course you're going to beat yourself up over this. You'll even beat yourself up over the fact that Joel is going to beat himself up for this, for giving in to you. The blame should lay entirely with you, but Joel has to fucking take it upon himself all the time. Any time you screw up.
You're so lost in your morose thoughts that you don't even notice Joel slipping away and returning to you with your hoodie. "You're cold. Here, put this on."
"I deserve to--"
"Knock it off. You're wearin' this, even if I have to jam your arms through the sleeves myself. Now come on."
You take the fucking hoodie. You want to cry again... except you sure as fuck don't want to. You swallow hard against the fucking tears. "What are we going to do now?" you ask. Your voice sounds small.
"Well... I reckon we'll rest for a bit. Eat a real dinner." Because you didn't bother with that before, when you were in a hurry to get to the hospital. "How does roast wolf sound to you?"
It sounds pretty damn good, actually. You feel guilty for being hungry, though. Two living beings just died right here, another one is missing, and yet you're going to sit down to a meal like you don't care. And to top it off, now you're not even cold. "Okay," is all you say to Joel, though.
He draws you close and kisses you softly. "It's gonna be all right, baby girl. I promise. Look, it even stopped rainin'."
You should thank him for being so amazing, so kind and thoughtful... but once again you find you can't speak. You just look at him and try to give him a smile... it's the least you can do after everything he's done for you.
Joel does have a way of hearing you sometimes, even when you don't speak. And he has a way of getting through to you... giving you hope even when things feel so bleak. We're going to find Summer, right after we eat, you vow. We'll find her and she'll be okay and we'll carry on.
You just have to find a way to live with the guilt and regret.
If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.
Carlos
Date: 2021-03-21 06:32 am (UTC)Re: Carlos
Date: 2021-03-21 01:00 pm (UTC)