CYOA Page 90
Sep. 13th, 2013 10:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12"Ain't you even gonna look?" asks Joel. "It's pretty ugly, but it's s'posed to be."
"I saw it. What the fuck... how..." Well, you know how. But when?
"I ain't even sure. There was a lot of flames, between the flamethrower an' the Molotov, an' I was payin' more attention to the infected. Must've been a little careless."
"...a little careless?! Joel! How can you be so calm right now?!" You turn toward him only enough to shoot him a glare.
"It don't hurt that bad. It looks worse than it is."
"Who cares if it hurts?! Fuck--" You turn away again and cover your face with your hands. This isn't happening. This isn't happening. This isn't ...except it is, and Joel's clearly in denial.
"All right... I admit, I thought you might get upset, but I didn't expect... this. Should I just dress it myself, then?"
You groan. "You don't have to dress it -- there's no point! It's not going to heal!"
"What? Of course it is. It's only second-degree, I think. That's the one with the blisters. If it was third I wouldn't even be able to feel it."
He's not only in denial -- he's spewing bullshit! "What the fuck are you talking about?" You lower your hands and turn to stare at him. "How can you make jokes about it?!"
He's taken aback by that. "Uh... I know you think my sense of humor's a little strange at times, but I didn't say anythin' even remotely funny just now."
"Yeah -- because it's not funny!" At least you agree on that! You feel the panic rising in your chest, threatening to suffocate you.
Joel puts a hand on your shoulder. "Hey... calm down. It's gonna be fine."
"How can you say that?! It's never gonna be-- I'm never gonna-- be fine again!"
"Deep breaths, kiddo." He takes one himself. To demonstrate. As if you don't know what a deep breath is.
"I'm not -- having a -- panic attack!"
"Then what is it? Why are you so freaked out?"
You look at him beseechingly. Does he really not understand how important he is to me? You do take a couple of deep breaths, because it's hard to talk when you can't breathe. And you can feel the tears threatening now, too... fuck...
"An' what did you mean when you said you're never gonna be fine? What's this got to do with you?"
You stare at him incredulously. "Everything! Do you really expect me to... not care... Joel, I can't deal with this -- I can't --"
He slips off the tailgate and stands in front of you, his hands on your shoulders. "Ellie, it's all right. I think you are havin' a panic attack. C'mon -- breathe for me -- deep breaths..."
"I'm not," you insist. You slide off the tailgate and pull him toward you, hugging him around the waist.
He pats your hair. "I don't understand, then. Why are you so... rattled?"
Seriously?! "Well, I'm sorry I can't be as fucking calm as you about everything!" you spit out bitterly. "I guess I'm not as strong as you think I am!" And, to punctuate that, you promptly burst into tears.
"Sssshhhhh. I'm sorry," he coos. "I'm sorry, baby girl. Don't cry."
You cry harder.
"All right... cry, then... let it out..." He holds you tightly, rocking you a little, while you cry your heart out. He waits until the sobs dissolve into hiccup-y sniffles before speaking again. "You are strong. I'm sorry I upset you... I'm just tryin' to understand."
"You didn't upset-- Joel, really?! You're not even a little bit freaked out right now?" You lean back to look up at him.
He smooths your hair back from your tear-stained face, and gives you what you're sure is meant to be a reassuring smile. "I'm really not. It ain't that big a deal. I promise."
You shove him away from you as hard as you can. "Fuck you! Fuck you, Joel -- I can't believe you!"
He stands there, confused... he looks utterly bewildered, actually. You know he can be clueless sometimes, but this? This is worse than all those other times combined... and then multiplied by a hundred! He holds his hands up in surrender. "Ellie. Where is all this anger comin' from? If I offended you--"
"Offended me?! That's not--" ...What is the word you want, anyway? "More like... you're mocking me."
"I ain't tryin' to. I swear. I... only told you not to cry 'cause I hate seein' you upset. Nothin' wrong with cryin' when--"
"It's not the crying!"
"Then what? What did I do?" he asks plaintively. "Please tell me."
"I shouldn't have to tell you!"
"Well, you're gonna have to, 'cause I don't get it."
"Acting like-- even saying it's no big deal. Nothing to be upset about. It's... insulting." No, that's not quite the right word, either... "God, Joel -- if it was me, can you stand there and tell me you wouldn't be upset at all?"
He doesn't answer right away. Like he has to think about it. "Of course I would be," he finally says.
"Took you long enough," you scoff.
He still looks so confused. "To be honest, I was afraid of sayin' the wrong thing. Of you bitin' my head off. Everythin' I say seems to be comin' out wrong."
You feel the tears rise up again. "Maybe that's because you're an asshole."
"Why? Why am I an asshole?" he presses.
"I told you! Because you think it's no big deal!"
"What, this?" He gestures to his arm. "It ain't the worst thing in the world."
You can't believe him! What the fuck? "It is to me! How can you not understand that?! How can anyone-- unless..." Unless you're totally wrong about him. About how deeply he cares for you. He can't comprehend your love for him because he doesn't return it. If he doesn't feel it... if his own life is so worthless to him that he doesn't care if he lives or dies... that's even sadder than him not loving you. Well, almost...
"Unless what?" he prompts.
Like it or not, he's stuck with you. You're not going to abandon him over this. But you're not sure you should waste any more breath trying to get him to understand.
"Ellie, you're startin' to scare me here. You look so..."
"Don't worry, I won't cry on your shoulder anymore," you say coldly. "I'm sorry I--"
"I told you, it's fine! You can cry all you want to."
"Well, I won't. Come on -- shouldn't we get out of here?" You reach for your backpack.
But Joel stops you with a hand on your shoulder. "Not when you're so upset."
"I'm not upset. I'm calm now. Just like you. See?" You flash him a fake smile -- and another angry glare.
"Don't be like this. I thought we... I thought you could talk to me now. About anythin'."
"Yeah, I thought I could, too. I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of shit, apparently."
"Wrong about what?"
"About... you and me. I thought we were... more real." You fight to keep the emotion out of your voice.
"How are we not real?" he asks gently.
"I thought you cared about me," you say quietly, shrugging off his hand.
"You know I do."
You snort. "I don't think you know how. If you really believe that, I mean. If you're just lying, then... you're even more of an asshole." You know he's a good liar... fuck, has he really fooled me this whole time?!
"Okay... let's rewind here. I still don't know why you're so upset with me."
"I've told you. Twice now."
"... ...Because you're upset about my injury... an' I'm tellin' you it ain't that bad?"
His injury. ...His injury?! Jesus fucking Christ, Joel! You're not even going to dignify that with an answer. You cross your arms over your chest.
"Will you please tell me how that turned into... me not carin' about you. Explain it to the stupid old man. Please."
"Because it's my worst fear come true! How can you not see that? Fuck."
"All right. It's your worst fear. Why?" he asks, with all the patience of a person dealing with a small child.
"Because I... I can't live without you, you stupid jerk! I can't handle this." You blink back more tears.
He seems surprised by that. "Okay. An' why would you have to live without me?"
...What? "What do you mean?"
"I mean... I ain't goin' nowhere. I don' know where in the hell you got that idea."
Now it's your turn to stare at him in bewilderment. Is he truly in such hardcore denial? "Uh, I got that idea because that's what happens."
"That's what happens when? After an argument?"
"When you die!"
"Okay... I ain't dyin'."
You roll your eyes. "A technicality. You might as well be and you know it."
"...What, from this? It's nothin'!"
"Joel, stop it."
"All right, maybe not quite nothin', but if we take care of it--"
"How can we fucking 'TAKE CARE OF IT'!" you practically scream at him.
"...Dressin' it, for starters. Clean it, disinfect it--"
"Disinfect it?! -What, do you wanna chop your arm off?" It sounds ridiculous, but right after you say that, you wonder if it's possible. "Wait -- can we do that? Does that work? Maybe it's not too late!"
Joel chuckles. He actually fucking chuckles. "That won't be necessary. Damn, you must really be pissed at me if you wanna chop my arm off now."
"I know it's scary," you say placatingly, "but Joel, if it saves your life, we have to do it, don't we? Or at least try it?"
"What? No! What's gotten into you?"
"Maybe you've given up on yourself, but I haven't. What can we use... something with a big enough blade... my switchblade won't work, and even the hunting knife seems small for--"
"Ellie, you are not choppin' my arm off. Why the hell do you think that will help?"
"Duh -- maybe it can stop it from spreading!"
"It ain't gonna spread. It don't work that way."
"What-- that's exactly how it works! Unless you're immune." You gasp. No way... "Wait -- are you? Are you sure? -And if you are, why didn't you think to fucking tell me that?!"
"Uh, no, I imagine it's gotta heal up in time just like everyone else." He's looking at you strangely now. Like he just figured something out. "Why would you ask me that? Because you're immune?"
"Well, yeah... we at least know it's possible."
"Immune... to the virus."
"...Yes." Uh... DOUBLE duh? Maybe it's just starting to hit him now...
"I thought you said you saw my arm."
"I did. But I couldn't tell from that if... you know... it had spread at all."
"Mmhmm. An' what is it you think you saw?"
"What do you mean? I saw where you got bitten."
"Why don't you take another look."
"I don't wanna see that shit!" It feels like he's toying with you now. You have to remind yourself to stay calm, that he's in denial...
"Oh, I think you do. Come on. Take a look." He folds his torn sleeve up again and waits for you to look.
Why is he being so mean? "Joel, I don't want to!"
"Yes you do. Trust me."
You swallow another lump in your throat and finally dare to look at his arm. It looks disgusting... his skin is covered in big fat yellow blisters. You don't see the actual bite mark. It doesn't look as much like your scarred arm as you thought at first glance. "Okay... that looks weird."
"Weird for a bite, yes. For a second-degree burn? No."
"...A burn?" So, he got bitten and then burned? Does that change the outcome somehow? Like, the fire neutralizes it or something? You furrow your brow.
"Yes. No bite. It's just a burn."
This is... you can't be hearing this right. "You didn't get bitten?" you breathe, hardly daring to hope...
"Nope." He smiles at you...
...and it's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen in your life. This ISN'T happening -- your worst fear isn't coming true! "You didn't get-- holy shit, Joel, that's amazing!" You hurl yourself at him, flinging your arms around his neck. Aaaaand now you're sobbing again.
"Now I get why you were so upset," Joel says, laughing. "Shit -- I was bein' a dick, wasn't I!"
You're laughing and crying too much to answer him. No wonder he was so confused! Poor Joel! He rocks you back and forth in what feels like a happy motion. You eventually pull back and wipe your tears away, but not your smile. "Fuck -- I would say don't ever do that to me again, but I did it to myself! What an idiot!" You hug him again, feeling happier than you've probably ever been in your life. Certainly the most relieved! You just don't want to let him go now. "I'm sorry I yelled at you!" Remembering the bewildered look on his face makes you start cracking up again!
You can hear the amusement in Joel's voice. "I still ain't sure how you came to the conclusion I don't care about you."
"I'll explain later." You have a feeling you and Joel are going to be laughing about this one for a long time.
A long time... yes, because that's what you have now -- all the time in the world!
If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.
Carlos
Date: 2020-11-04 12:48 pm (UTC)Re: Carlos
Date: 2020-11-05 12:08 am (UTC)