CYOA Page 153
Sep. 12th, 2013 03:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12"What do you want to do?" you ask Joel. "What would make you more comfortable?"
"I... just wanna kiss you. Hold you an' kiss you."
"To make out," you confirm.
"Without the touchin' part."
"So... just kissing, then."
He draws you close, kisses you softly, and rolls the two of you over, so that you're laying on your sides, facing each other. "I like kissin' you," he breathes. A hand steals up through your hair.
"I like it, too," you say in that tone that automatically adds a 'but' to the end.
"...but?" he prompts.
"I want more," you say simply. "I love you and I'm like... crazy-attracted to you, obviously, and you're just like... meh."
"I am very attracted to you. I promise."
You like the way he's rubbing your head through your now-tangly hair; you return the favor by running your hand along his jaw the way he likes, stroking his beard with your thumb. "But not attracted enough."
"Not enough to... defile you, no."
"You wouldn't be defiling me!" you giggle. "You make it sound like rape or something."
"That's exactly what it is, due to your age."
"Ugh -- that stupid statuary thing. It's not--"
"Statutory," he corrects you, smiling. He kisses your nose. "But that's cute. I like that. You're a statue... this beautiful work of art, an' I'd be vandalizin' it."
You snort. "Whatever it's called. It's dumb! I bet there's a dictionary in that ginormous library downstairs -- I'm going to look up 'rape' and tell you exactly what it says. I guarantee it's going to say something about forcing someone to have sex when they don't want to. Forcing, when they don't want to. Two things that aren't true here!"
"You ain't old enough to make that choice."
"Forcing," you repeat. "On an unwilling participant. That's all it means. You're not doing that, and I'm totally willing. Because I love you. I don't get what's so wrong about that, or why I have to be old for you to consider it legit. I want my first time to be with you, Joel."
"And if you still want that in a few years--"
"Less than two years -- and of course I'll still want that!"
"--then we'll revisit the subject."
"By then it might be too late, though!"
"Too late?"
"Yeah. Maybe it won't be my first time anymore."
Joel seems confused by that for a moment. "Why wouldn't it... Ohhh, I get it. I ain't puttin' out, so you're gonna dump me?" he teases.
"No! I'm waiting for you, silly."
"Then... ? Okay, I don't get it."
"Maybe it wouldn't be my choice. Maybe someone will force me, when I don't want to."
"Don't even joke about that, Ellie."
"Who says I'm joking?"
He pulls back and props himself up on his forearm. "First of all, do you really think I'd ever let that happen to you?"
"Ha! You're not with me all the time, Joel."
"That's why you carry your gun an' your knife with you everywhere. But that... is a terrible reason to have sex."
"Is it? I think it's genius." You try to snuggle up to him.
He's apparently not feeling snuggly, though; he holds you in place, resting his hand on your arm. "So I should have sex with you... just in case you get raped someday, so the rape won't be your first time."
"Exactly! See, you get it."
He laughs mirthlessly... and then rolls away from you! "Now I've heard everythin'."
It occurs to you that you're not being very seductive right now (especially since Joel clearly doesn't appreciate your brilliant reasoning). "Joel, come back here..."
"'Oh no, Your Honor, you've got this all wrong -- see, I was just doin' it for her own good. You might even say I was doin' my civic duty.' "
You don't know what the fuck he means by 'civic duty', but you do know who Your Honor is. "Guess what? No courts anymore. You don't have to explain it or try to justify it or anything -- no one even has to know." He's apparently not mad at you, because he lets you wriggle into the crook of his arm and lay your head on his chest.
"I would know."
Seductive, you remind yourself. "Hey, why aren't we kissing right now?" you pout. "That's what you said you wanted to do..."
He sighs. "Maybe we should just call it a night."
What?!?! Already?! You lift your head to give him a pleading look -- in what remains of the dying sunlight (it is almost bedtime, on your Outside schedule). "No! Why would you say that? Cuz of what I said? I'm sorry -- just forget I--"
"I can't forget that you're... sixteen years old."
"Except really I'm older," you remind him. Everyone tells you that -- including Joel! "I'm older than some of the seventeen- and eighteen--"
"No you ain't. At times like these, you're only sixteen."
"Times like what?"
"Like right now. You're wearin'... a woman's nightie, but that don' make you a woman. You're a child playin' dress-up. It's my fault. I know I send you mixed--"
"I'm not a fucking child!"
He sighs. "Calm down. We shouldn' be foolin' around Outside anyhow. I'm gonna go make sure everythin's locked up tight as can be an' then we can go to sleep--"
"You mean you don't feel like talking, or kissing, or anything, so you're leaving like a little bitch."
He sighs again. "See, that's exactly--" But he cuts himself off. "I'll be back in a minute. Why don't you go put your real clothes back on in the meantime."
You don't protest as he leaves the room. If you weren't so annoyed, you might have the urge to grovel and beg him not to leave and apologize a hundred times. But you are... so you don't.
Or maybe I'm just more mature than that. You don't know if those actions are indicative of immaturity, actually, but you know Joel doesn't like it when you... "do your drama queen thing," is the way he put it that one time. Which makes it all sound like an act. A big farce. It's not! It's the way you handle strong emotions! If being mature means you're supposed to act like Joel and keep it all buried somewhere instead... well, maybe you'll never grow up. ...Will I magically start being all cool and calm like him when I turn eighteen? you wonder anyway.
You don't put your clothes back on. No way! This thing's much more comfy to sleep in. But you do get your shit organized. You hear Joel go outside... and for a brief moment, you think HE'S LEAVING ME. But you know that's ridiculous, and you're not going to tell Joel you even thought it for a second, because contrary to what he says? He does not always want to know what you're thinking.
Ridiculous or not, you do relax a little when you hear the door again. You climb into bed to wait for him, this time wondering if he's going to suggest you sleep in separate beds. You start to mentally prepare yourself for this unlikely possibility (unlikely because he needs you close just like you need him... even when he's annoyed with you!) by coming up with a defense strategy. When he comes back, should I be facing the bedroom door or the opposite wall?
You decide on the wall. Under the covers, so he can't lecture you about not wearing your clothes (at least not yet).
You hear his footsteps get louder, watch the circle of light on the wall grow as his flashlight gets closer. You hear him pause in the doorway (or... you don't hear anything for a moment?)... then you hear the click of the flashlight switching off, and... probably the clank of him setting a gun down on the nightstand before climbing into the other side of the bed. He slips under the covers... and stays on his side.
Fuck... should I scoot over there? Maybe I look pissed off, with my back to him like this...
"You gonna stay way over there?" he asks.
Yay! "Um... not if I don't have to? I guess?"
"You don't have to."
You scoot back, roll over, and reach for him... he's on his back, and he draws you close just like before. As if nothing happened. ...Well, nothing DID happen, right? That wasn't even a real fight... I don't think? Except it did feel like one...
"You didn't get dressed," Joel observes. He calmly threads his fingers through your hair.
"Neither did you," you counter, "and you went out like this."
"I did," he admits.
"Just so you know, I have my clothes in my backpack ready to go, with my shoes right there beside the bed, so if we have to flee real quick in the middle of the night, it'll be no different than if I was dressed for reals."
"Mm. Except you'll be givin' the hunters a show."
"Or the infected, but they won't give a shit." Hunters (well, survivors -- you suppose you should give them the benefit of the doubt) are much more likely to pose a threat in your current circumstances. "That's only if we're seen, which we won't be."
" 'Course not. Where you gonna put your gun?"
Oh yeah, huh... "I can wear my holster with this."
"That would be a sight." Joel kisses the top of your head. "Except it ain't layin' there on the nightstand like your gun is. It's prob'ly buried at the bottom of your bag."
"Not all the way at the bottom." Actually, you don't even remember where you put the fucking thing. "Well, who cares? I'll be holding my gun anyway. Ready for anything."
"That's my girl."
...or your WOMAN, you correct him in your head, but... you don't really mind. Any time Joel refers to you with that possessive 'my' word, he can call you whatever the fuck he wants. Even 'my bitch' would be welcome. Joel never calls you a bitch though, even when you are one... even in jest... oh yeah-- "I'm sorry I called you a little bitch before," you say sweetly. "I didn't mean it."
He chuckles (which is a good sign he's not pissed -- yes!). "Yes you did. It's all right -- I know what you were gettin' at. And you know I like that you can speak your mind."
You bite back a snippy "you should try it some time!" comeback to that... because Joel does try. He's actually really good at it sometimes. He filters himself around you way less now than he used to. "Still. I shouldn't call you names. You never call me names. Bad ones, I mean."
"You're too sweet to be called any bad--"
"I am not!" You shove him playfully. "I've called you... let's see, what have I called you... a dick, a prick, an asshole, a chickenshit, a motherfucker -- though that one kind of doesn't count--"
"I heard it, so it counts."
"Okay, fine, it counts... a jerk, but that's sort of lame unless it has a nasty word in front of it... I guess it still counts..."
"A little bitch," Joel adds.
"A little bitch," you agree. You rack your brain for more; there are plenty you haven't used on him. Some you haven't used on anyone since your school days back in Boston. "I guess that's it."
"So... that makes you unsweet? Callin' me all those things?"
"Yep."
"What about... how you're always so sweet when you apologize later."
"Only after you're sweet first, though," you point out. "Like right now. You could've just left me alone, but you invited me over." To his arms, that is! You kiss his cheek (which... you suppose is kind of a sweet thing to do).
He turns and catches your lips in a quick kiss. "You've got a standin' invitation here."
"Aww." You give him a couple sweet kisses before resting your head on his shoulder; you're not going to try to start anything now. The Grand Seduction will have to wait for another night.
"I do love you, Ellie."
Double aww! You wonder why he said it like that. "I know... I love you, too."
"I mean I love you... exactly the way you are. Don't try to grow up too fast, all right?"
He's said that to you before, and it always confuses you. Why the fuck would he not want you to 'grow up,' when adulthood means you can finally have sex? You can't wait to turn eighteen! And you know the months are going to just drag by sooooo slowly. Like, you can't believe you've only been romantic with Joel for about two months. It feels like it's been forever already -- and yet, Joel still refers to your romance as 'new'! "Whatever, Joel."
He gives you a squeeze. "Good night, baby girl."
"Good night." ...But the 'good night silence' only lasts about thirty seconds, because now you're curious about something... "Joel?"
"Hmm."
"You've said... I'll always be your baby girl. Right?"
"Right."
"But... when I turn eighteen, won't you have to start calling me baby woman?"
"What?" Joel laughs. "Hell no. That sounds... hell no."
"So I can be a girl and a woman at the same time?"
"In that instance, yes. You'll still be a girl in my eyes for... a long time, I'm sure."
"Not once I'm eighteen!"
"Trust me. When you're my age, anyone younger than, say, thirty... can still be referred to as a girl or a boy. Maybe even forty."
Yeah... like Joel calling that group of men from Jackson 'boys,' and you've heard old ladies in Jackson refer to each other as 'girls' sometimes. It's all relative. "Okay, well, as long as you're not saying we have to wait 'til I'm thirty to have sex, it's cool."
"Thirty? Nah. But eighteen... might actually be a bit too young. Maybe nineteen would--"
"What?!" You pretend to choke him. "Take that back!"
He pretends to choke, complete with wheezing, then gasps, "O... kay... eight... teen..."
You release him and settle back into the crook of his arm. "Good. My eighteenth birthday. Not a day later."
"Yes ma'am." He's quiet, and it feels like this is the start of the 'good night silence,' but then he says, "You know, folks in Jackson might wanna make a Big Deal out of your big deal eighteenth birthday. Throw you a party and all."
"So?"
"So, maybe I don't wanna come home after an exhaustin' party an' be up another few hours makin' it special for you."
"I thought you couldn't be up for hours at your age?" you tease him.
"Cute."
"No -- it's okay. We'll have our private celebration the night before."
"When you're seventeen. No, see, the whole--"
"We can watch the clock! You can wait 'til midnight to stick it in, if you want."
Joel laughs even more at that! "Good idea, kiddo."
"Yeah. And then you can call me adult-o."
"...No."
"No?"
"No. Good night, baby girl."
"Hey, I wasn't the one who started talking again last time!" you protest what the repetition of the phrase implies. "You started talking about a party--"
"I'm jus' sayin' it again. That's all."
"Okay fine. Good night, Joel. I love you~"
"Love you, too."
This time, the silence lasts, and you soothe yourself to sleep with fantasies of Joel making your first time very special, like he said he would... complete with a synced, out-loud countdown to midnight, just like you did last New Year's Eve. ...only with a much better payoff!
If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.
Carlos
Date: 2021-02-17 12:30 pm (UTC)RE: Carlos
Date: 2021-02-17 01:27 pm (UTC)