CYOA Page 160

[lumy12]

Page One Hundred Sixty

He's lunging at you, and the maniacal look on his face is reminiscent of any of the hundreds of Runners you two have encountered...

...but it's still Joel's face. This is Joel -- you can't shoot him!

You turn and bolt. Heart pounding, you fly onto your poor confused horse (yeah, I'm confused too, buddy!) and take off at breakneck speed.

Your brain doesn't start functioning properly for another couple minutes. Oh... I probably should've taken Joel's horse, too... infected don't ride horses, not like he'll need her... oh GOD I'm lumping Joel in with that awful group of people... a group he never wanted to join, I wasn't supposed to LET him-- I PROMISED!

You broke your promise.

Well, Joel would understand... actually, he did understand, when he told you that the second one was more important: the one where you promised not to kill yourself, just not quite in those words. Sorry, Joel... but at least I didn't let you kill me?

You're supposed to go home, and send a patrol out to find him. Let them kill him. But you don't know if you can do that, either.

Joel is alive right now. Not living a great life or anything, but he's breathing. He has blood pumping through his veins. ...and fungus taking over his brain... don't think about that part! He's not dead, which means there's hope. Hope that he can be cured. Maybe... maybe you can find a group working on a cure, and your immunity can help them!

Your idea of keeping Joel as a pet of sorts was ridiculous, and this one probably is too, but... it's possible, isn't it? As long as no one comes along and shoots him in the meantime.

How long is the meantime? It's got to be years, at least. What are his odds? He'll be a Clicker by then... surely those will be harder to cure than Runners or Stalkers? Clickers don't even look human anymore. His face would be so... ugh -- would you even recognize him? ...Yes, by his clothes, if nothing else... I memorized everything about him...

You can't outrun the pain, or the tears... although the wind whips those away as soon as you shed them. Like they never existed. Maybe I can just keep riding... and riding... and RIDING...

Eventually, the horse tires, and you have to slow down some. You were sort of just letting him run free, and now... you don't even know where you are. You refused to take the map from Joel, so he made you watch where he put it -- it was on his horse. That wouldn't help you now, though, because you've strayed off the highway. You can tell what general direction you're going, based on where the sun is in the sky... you're still heading toward town... ish. Not taking the most direct route.

What am I doing? Do I even WANT to go home?

Not really. Not without Joel. You don't want to tell his brother that because of you, he's infected. Because you wanted to do this stupid mission! Such fucking bullshit... we go like THOUSANDS of miles crossing the country and we're fine, but we're gone for one day here and THIS happens.

Maybe you should go back and find Joel. ...to kill him? No -- you already failed at that. Just... to be near him. Keep an eye on him.

What, like you're going to PROTECT him? you scoff at yourself. Joel doesn't need my protection. Shit, with his miracle hearing? He's going to be the most badass infected... he would make an awesome Clicker... he'd kill EVERYONE...

You choke on a sob at that thought. That's exactly what he didn't want! That's why he wanted me to shoot him! And it's not like he's... HAPPY, right now, he's just... nothing? Or is he SUFFERING? That thought does pain you. Everything that makes him Joel -- his personality, his quirks, his memories, his sense of humor -- that's all gone. But no one fucking knows what it's like to be infected. What it feels like. And those moaning sounds the Runners make ...No no no, he's not in any kind of mental anguish, you decide. If it's physical, does it matter if he doesn't have the brain power to feel it?

Whatever -- ultimately you can't kill him anyway. Just... what are you going to do now? Because you can't kill yourself, either.

By nightfall, you still haven't decided. But your horse needs a break. You've been riding him hard (and for no good reason, once you got away). He doesn't understand what you're doing, and none of this is his fault... you won't punish him. You even feed him an apple out of your bag. An apology gift.

You don't bother finding a house, or shelter of any kind. You can't... not without Joel. He won't be there to insist on going in first to check the place out. To clear it for you. How many times have you told him you can help him with that... that it's dumb for him to do it without you? Well, apparently it's dumb for you to do it without him, because you just can't stomach the thought.

And your stomach is grumbling. You would give it a dirty look if you could; you have no interest in eating. You don't give a fuck that you haven't eaten in ages.

If you had gone home... someone probably would have made you eat dinner. They would fuss over you, making sure you were "okay." As if you're ever going to be okay. Fuck them. Fuck them ALL. I can't go back there.

You sit and lean against a tree, thinking there's no way you're going to fall asleep. You thought that before, yeah, but... then you did, because you were with Joel and he was alive and his heartbeat comforted you. Now it's just you.

And the horse. Lucky's not very comforting, but he does make you aware that you're not completely alone, at least.

You can't decide what to do, and it hurts just thinking about it all, one awful choice after the other dragging fresh pain through your head. Going to sleep would actually be a relief now, wouldn't it? Maybe you should try.

You lay on the ground, curled into a ball, shivering because you didn't bother to fetch a blanket... or your jacket, or anything... I don't care. Maybe I'll freeze to death -- yeah, even in fucking summer -- and then I won't have broken my promise because I didn't kill me, the weather did...

"What the hell are you doing, baby girl?" Joel would probably ask you now if he could. It would hurt him, seeing you shivering on the ground in the dark, crying and hurting and being absolutely miserable... he would want to help you... comfort you...

Except it CAN'T hurt him, because he can't FEEL hurt anymore -- and he'll never comfort me again. He's just wandering around... not thinking about anything... about ME... he doesn't even remember me. I'm just... MEAT to him now. I'm nothing to him. ...I'm NOTHING...

You latch onto that thought. I'm nothing... I'm nothing... and your mind goes blank. As blank as Joel's is now. You don't feel a thing... you forget about everything. Like... you're not even in your own body. You're still shivering, but you don't feel cold. Your muscles are cramping... stomach clenching... head aching... you don't feel any of it. As for your heart? It died before this numbness descended.

You're not really there. It's not you. You don't exist -- at least, not the way you did before. You're a big black ball of nothing, trapped in a girl's body.

If you're lucky, someone will come along and free you from the trap.


THE END



If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.

Comments

Carlos

[(Anonymous)]

Wow, this was really touching and sad. It was funny just imaging Ellie taking care of Infected Joel in the basement of their house. I better to move to ahappy one before this makes me cry.

Re: Carlos

[luminations.livejournal.com]

I would LOVE to see a crackfic where Ellie takes care of Joel like that and somehow it's funny, not heartbreakingly sad :( Well I'm sorry I didn't make you cry. Maybe "Singularity" will :)