CYOA Page 174
Sep. 12th, 2013 05:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12You wake from a fitful sleep, and for a moment, you forget. But only for that one brief shining ignorance-is-bliss moment, because then the stark truth of your solitude hits you like a punch in the gut.
Joel is gone.
The only thing on your mind is finding him. No matter how long it takes. How hard you have to look. How far you have to go. You vow you will find him if it's the last thing you do.
You have the horses for company, so it's not like you're completely alone, but the loss you feel... the loss of Joel... it's immeasurable. Indescribable. You have to find him.
You call his name so much that your voice goes hoarse, then disappears completely. As soon as it returns, you resume calling for him -- until you lose it again.
You force yourself to eat. To drink water. You're just going through the motions, and the motions are necessary because you'll never find Joel if you allow your body to become weak or sick. You understand this. You must stay strong... in body, mind, and spirit. And let's face it -- "body" is the easiest of those three to manage right now. You're not concerned about food supply; if you and Joel could go across the fucking country for months -- through the dead of winter, no less -- starting with nothing -- you think you can manage to tool around this area in summer, with plenty of game and wild berries and shit.
You rest, for the horses' sakes more than your own, and they don't need all that much rest, really. You know you won't be able to truly rest until you find Joel.
You find yourself going spacy at times. Sometimes while you're riding, sometimes while you're peeing... sometimes you snap out of it and realize you don't remember what you were just doing. This should probably scare you... but it doesn't. And Joel's not around to lecture you about staying aware of your surroundings.
What does scare you is not knowing what the fuck happened to Joel. Is he dead or alive? Is he hurt? Is he praying his baby girl will come find him and help him out of whatever predicament he's found himself in? Is he feeling the same way you are: scared? Lonely? Abandoned? Frustrated? Worried? ...In constant torment?
He's worried about you. This, you know. If he still has the capacity to feel things like worry...
-Of course he does. OF COURSE HE DOES. He's not dead. He's just fucking not.
He's waiting for you out there, somewhere... somewhere just beyond your reach, it seems... you can feel it. You can't give up!
Should I go back to Jackson? You're sure Tommy would deploy every available resource to find his brother. And, hell, if this goes on much longer, it's possible that Joel made his way back there. You doubt it, but it's possible. Anything's possible. Maybe he got hit on the head and has short-term memory loss so he doesn't even remember he was with you. Maybe he has full-blown fucking amnesia, and doesn't remember jack shit (by now, there isn't a single far-fetched possibility that hasn't entered your brain at some point. Entered it, run around up there, and wreaked havoc... taunting you until another takes its place... likely more than once, keeping you in an endless loop of despair and hopelessness).
You try to detach from your mind and stay focused. Ride. Look. Stop. Turn. Ride. Look. Stop. Turn. Ride. Look. Yell (if your voice cooperates). Ride. Look. Ride. Look.
SHOULD I go back to Jackson?
That feels an awful lot like giving up. You're not ready to admit defeat yet. Joel deserves a better effort than this. Maybe tomorrow. If you haven't found him by tomorrow, you'll consider it. Maybe you'll dismiss it again, deciding it still feels like surrendering to failure, but you'll at least consider it...
When you've pushed the horses enough for the day, you curl up in your blankets and resign yourself to the horrors lurking in your imagination -- the things that don't let you sleep. You're exhausted in every way... it sucks to have insomnia when you're so tired... but what DOESN'T suck right now? You hope morning will come quickly because you can't take much more of this.
The reprieve of sleep only comes when you manage to convince your weary brain that the lies you're telling yourself are true: I will find him tomorrow and this will all be over. He'll be okay. I will find him tomorrow. I WILL...
Continue to page 178.
Carlos
Date: 2020-12-30 05:05 am (UTC)