lumy12

Page One Hundred Ninety-Nine

"It's a girl!" you announce happily. Hot tears are pricking your eyeballs, though you're not sure why... probably from the relief -- it's finally OVER! "Is that okay? You said 'he' before..."

"Yes, of course it's okay -- a girl... wow... is she okay? She looks kinda..."

"Gross," you supply with a grin. "But beautiful. At the same time! So weird. Um... so about this cord here... do I just like... cut it wherever and yank it out of her belly button? Er... her belly? I guess she doesn't have the button part yet..."

Avery is staring at the baby, looking rather... dazed, you suppose would be the best word for it. You're about to ask if she heard you when she answers, "I think just... wherever... but leave it..."

"Wherever, but leave it," you repeat. "So, no yanking. Got it. I guess I'll just... uh... fuck, I can't do it with one hand..." You don't want to stab the poor thing -- you'd better lay her down. And the floor seems like a more stable surface on which to work than Avery's belly, so she'll just have to wait a minute to hold her daughter...

You feel very clumsy and inept, and you wish you had a third hand because that would really help you out here. Wow, this thing is gross... and hard to cut in the air! You're afraid to get the knife too close to the baby so you leave a good couple inches of cord connected, which is going to have to be good enough for now. You wipe as much blood and gunk off the baby as you can. Another towel would be nice, too... but you manage.

Finally, you hand the squalling little bundle over to her mother, bloody towel and all. "Look at all that gorgeous black hair," you coo. "She really is amazing. You are amazing. Holy shit, that was intense!"

Avery smiles weakly at you. "Couldn't have done it without you. Thank you so much, Ellie. I can't even tell you... how grateful..." She chokes up.

"It was nothing. You did all the hard stuff. Are you okay now? What do you need?"

"Just her." She smiles at her little daughter, who seems to be done crying for the moment.

You're a bit alarmed at the amount of blood on the blanket, but you don't want to scare Avery -- especially when it might be normal. You... kind of think there's still stuff oozing out of her, so you leave her underwear where it is, but you tug her nightgown down as far as you can so Joel doesn't get an eyeful when he--

Joel! He has to wake up now!

You wipe your hands on the blanket to get whatever gunk off of them that you can, and return to the little table. Joel is still slumped against the side of the camper... but he watches you slide into the other side of the booth. "How long have you been awake?" you say accusingly.

"Not long." His color looks normal, thankfully.

"Did you see any of that?" you ask excitedly.

"Uh... no. Go ahead -- let me have it."

"Have what?"

"Ain't you gonna yell at me for missin' the whole thing?"

You were going to, yes. Maybe not 'yell at,' but definitely tease. Mercilessly. You don't feel like it right now, though. "Joel, it was amazing. And scary. I actually saw the baby come out. I sort of... helped pull her out. She's so little -- but so big to be coming out of a human body, omigod. It was just... I can't even describe it."

Joel smiles at your enthusiasm. "I can see that. You did great."

"Pfff. You can't say that, you didn't see -- you don't know! I had no clue what I was doing. Zero."

"They seem all right, then? Mom an' baby?"

"Yeah. I think so." You lean out of the booth and twist around to look at the pair of them. Avery might be sleeping... the baby is squirmy; you see her little arm flailing around. "I'm gonna go check. I just wanted to make sure you were okay." You bounce off before he can reply to that (and you do hope he feels some guilt. At least a little!).

"Avery... you okay?" you ask quietly -- okay, so she's asleep. You can see she's breathing... but she doesn't look great. Well, she just had a baby -- she's fucking TIRED. That's all.

Joel finally ventures over. Now you can ask him your questions! "Hey, is there supposed to be that much blood? Like... still coming out?"

Joel frowns. "I don' know."

"Does the baby look okay to you? I tried to get all the slime and stuff off, but... is that color normal?"

"I don' know."

"Some help you are," you chuckle. "What color was Sarah? Or did you not actually see her 'til she was a few days old?"

"Here we go. I knew you'd have to start teasin' me sooner or later."

You grin. "Well, you deserve it! So what color?"

"Reddish... like this one, I s'pose. I think it's all right."

"Should I take her? Since her mom's sleeping..."

"Uh... maybe mom shouldn't be sleepin' yet. Did she feed her?"

"Oh! Shit. No. Do babies have to eat right after they're born?"

"They do if they're hungry. Maybe she ain't hungry... she ain't makin' much of a fuss... but before mom starts sleepin' real deep, I think she should try, yeah?"

"Yeah, prob'ly. Hey, Avery... wake up, Avery..." You shake her shoulder gently. OH MY GOD WHAT IF SHE WON'T WAKE UP?! ...but she IS breathing, doofus, you console yourself.

"Mm," mumbles Avery.

"Can you try and feed the baby before you go to sleep? Oh, and hey -- Joel -- maybe we can get her off the floor now? Can you see if that wall has a bed in it?"

Joel finally proves himself useful. He figures out the hide-a-bed thing, which has a blanket already on it -- yay! -- and gets Avery and the baby settled in it. You have to wake Avery up twice more before she finally feeds the baby... or, tries to. You think they're having some trouble... but you don't want to stare. It's not like you have any tips to offer!

Joel brings Avery's bag in from outside, as well as some more clean(ish?) rags. You want to ditch the 'birthing' blanket, trading it for the one on the little bunk bed... which is kind of dirty and has holes in it, but doesn't seem quite as yucky... however, Joel says it's best to bring along as much as possible now, filthy or not. Next body of water you happen upon, you guys are washing everything, if you have any say in the matter. ...except then we'll be stuck with wet EVERYTHING until it all dries, so maybe not? Joel cleans things up as best he can now with the water you do have, while you sit with Avery.

"Oh, Joel, I think she's got it! Hear that?" Another newly-beautiful noise: a suckling baby. "Avery fell asleep, though. Man... how can she sleep through that?"

"Just pull the baby away when she's had enough, then," Joel advises.

"How do I know when she's had enough?"

"I don' know... when she stops makin' that noise?"

"But if I just leave her there, maybe she'll go to sleep with her mom."

"I... don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?"

"She can't move real good yet. Gotta be careful that she don't suffocate."

"Oh God. Really?"

"We need a crib."

"Okay, well, go get us one, then."

He chuckles. "I'll get right on that."

You turn to look at him. "Hey... don't be mad. I told her we'd take them to the hospital with us."

"...Why would I be mad?"

"Cuz I know you don't like getting involved in other people's shit."

He gives you a Look. "Do you really think I would just leave them here like this?"

You shrug. "I guess... not?"

"This is a... unique situation. Maybe they should come back to Jackson with us, too."

"Really?" You weren't even thinking that far ahead -- but how awesome would it be to watch this little girl grow up?! You could be her Auntie Ellie!

"Did she tell you where she's from? What she's doin' out here by herself?"

"No."

"Where the father is? Where they live?"

"No. Look, we had other things to worry about, okay? While you were napping--"

"I realize that," he acknowledges, cutting you off before you can make fun of him again. "Not sayin' you should know all this... I just wondered. Goin' to the hospital's a good idea. Sooner the better."

"So... we don't let her rest a couple days first?"

"I don't think we should, no. Tonight? Definitely. We couldn't've gone much farther today anyhow."

You've lost a lot of time here; it's late afternoon now. "We'll get there tomorrow still, you think?"

"Possibly. I think it'll be slow-goin' with her an' the baby, but... yeah, maybe."

You look back at the baby. "Oh, I think she's done... come here, little girl... this towel is much nicer than that yucky one we had before, isn't it... ohhhh how sleepy you look... you've been through a lot today, too, haven't you?" You glance at Joel. "It must really suck being born, don't you think? Good thing none of us remember it. We'd prob'ly all be traumatized from it."

He chuckles. "Good thing, yes. ...She looks good, Ellie. I think she's gonna be fine."

You smile at him. "You wanna hold her?"

He holds his hand up. "I'm good."

"Aww, c'mon. You should hold her." Wait-- is that why he didn't want to be involved in the birth, too? you wonder. You thought he was being a wuss, but maybe it was like... flashbacks. "Oh... um, unless you... I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. I guess you wouldn't want to. I'm an idiot."

"What -- you mean 'cause of Sarah?"

"Well... yeah."

"It ain't that. I just... don' need to, is all."

"I don't need to, either. But... she's amazing. I've never seen a baby this young before. Just... hold her for a minute? Please?" For some reason, you really want to see Joel with the baby. It would be like... the sweetest thing ever.

"You really want me to?" He doesn't seem to know why you want it, either!

"Yes! I mean, if you're truly okay with it."

He motions for you to hand her over, and you can barely contain your glee as you do so. "Hey there, baby girl," Joel greets the baby, and he looks every bit as adorable as you thought he would, cooing at the newborn. "Welcome to... this wonderful world of ours."

You snort. "Wonderful? You mean fucked up."

"Sshh. She don' need to know that yet."

You giggle softly. "You're right. Not for another couple years, at least." You watch him smile at the baby. So fucking CUTE! "Hey, you called her 'baby girl.' That's my name."

He glances at you. "She is a baby girl, ain't she? I'm takin' your word on that. I didn't see."

"Yeah, I know how to tell the difference," you snicker.

"Well then, unless you know what her real name is..."

"I don't. Avery didn't call her by a name, that I heard. Maybe she hasn't decided on one yet?" Or maybe she's just too fucking tired to care?

"Maybe."

You can't stop smiling at the sight in front of you. "I think she likes you."

Joel chuckles. "She's too little to know who she likes yet. Other than mom. She knows her mama's voice already."

"She does? But Avery's barely said a thing since--"

"I mean from the womb. She's been hearin' it for a few months now."

"Oh. Right." You wish Avery would wake up. It doesn't seem fair that she should suffer for all that time, and now it's you and Joel who get to enjoy the baby's first hour on the planet.

"Here you go." Joel's handing her back to you already.

"You okay?" You look at him closely, wondering if he lied about it being okay before...

"I'm fine."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

He might look a tiny bit emotional... but then, you're feeling emotional yourself, aren't you? You feel... responsible for this kid now. You look at her sweet little scrunchy face. "Joel, I know this is crazy, but... I love her." Go ahead and tease me...

"It ain't crazy. You brought her into the world. And babies are... designed to be lovable."

"Designed," you repeat to yourself, chuckling. Joel has an odd way of putting things sometimes... yet they fit, somehow.

"Listen... I didn't see a whole lot of things in her bag. No baby clothes, or... somethin' to use for a diaper... an' babies go through diapers quick. We don't got enough rags. Hell, I didn't even see any pants in there -- she got another bag in here somewhere?"

"I don't think so? She didn't say anything about it. I don't know why she didn't bring that one inside with her, either. Maybe she wasn't thinking straight. And... maybe she wasn't supposed to have the baby yet? That would make sense, right? Why she wouldn't have baby stuff?"

"Sure. Kid seems big enough to me, but we can ask her when she wakes up. Maybe she had no idea when it would come. No doctor or nothin'."

"Yeah," you say distractedly. "Hey, can we make diapers out of toilet paper?"

"Uh... how?"

"I don't know -- you got a better idea?"

"...Did we bring one roll or two? I think just the one, right?"

"Yeah, I think just one. Fuck. Well, what if we stop using it ourselves and just use leaves if we have to. That would make it last a little longer, for diaper duty."

"It's real flimsy, though... maybe we could just burn through all the first aid kit bandages. Or maybe a combination of both? We've only gotta worry about it for a day or so, 'til we get to the hospital. We'll figure it out."

You smile at him fondly. "I'm so glad I don't have to figure this all out by myself."

Joel looks entirely too serious now. "I'm sorry I let you down. Before."

"No! I didn't mean it like that--"

"But I did. I don't even know what came over me. I... can't explain it."

"It's okay! Everything's fine now. And man, do I have a great story to tell or what!" You giggle. "Wait 'til Tommy hears about this!"

Joel groans softly. "You just have to tell him, don't you."

"Of course! Him and everyone else in town! No more tough guy reputation for you," you tease him; you know Joel doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks of him. And this is just too fucking funny to keep under wraps.

"I'm gonna go get a fire goin'. Mom prob'ly needs to eat somethin'."

"Way to end the conversation," you call after him, amused. You turn back to the snoozing baby in your arms. "Joel is so silly, isn't he? You'd never know this is the same guy who kills people in the most gruesome-- oh, never mind. Neeeeever mind. There's no killing. It's all sunshine and flowers and butterflies out there. Yep. No bad shit whatsoever."

You hope this little girl doesn't learn the truth for a good long while... but the more you look at her mother, the more you worry that she's going to experience one of life's harsh realities way too soon... just like you did...

You pray she isn't left motherless as a newborn.

* * * * * *

The following afternoon, Avery's still hanging on. You want to believe she'll make it to the hospital, but it's hard to hold out hope when she looks so... dead, with her ashen skin... dark circles under her eyes as if she hasn't slept in ages when all she's doing is sleeping... It's getting harder to rouse her to feed the baby; last time, you didn't bother to try very hard. You can hold the baby to her breast better than she can anyway. It feels a bit callous to treat Avery like a milk dispenser, but that's basically all she is, at the moment. She seems to have no interest in her daughter. You know it's just because she's... sick, or whatever, but that doesn't make it any less true.

She's still bleeding, too. Off and on, you think, because surely she would have bled out by now otherwise? Anyway, Joel doesn't think that's normal. The two of you are pushing as hard as you can to get to the hospital today -- Joel says it's possible. But it's frustrating to have to stop so fucking much. The baby cries and fusses, and won't eat much at a time, if anything at all. You do some... creative diapering (which at least means that not all of the baby's waste ends up on the blanket), and it seems like you have to do it all the time. Joel helps with that more than you thought he would, thankfully. He also shows you how to burp her, and you think you're getting pretty good at doing that while riding, at least. You joke about getting the raw end of this deal -- him carrying the mostly-unconscious Avery while you have to figure out how to keep the baby happy -- but you wouldn't trade, even if you could manage Avery on your own. He holds death, I hold life, you can't help thinking grimly.

When you approach an area that Joel feels is going to have at least a few infected present (he can hear them, even if you can't)... well, stealth is out, since you can't guarantee the little one won't decide to scream her head off at an inopportune moment... and you're both pretty overburdened to fare very well in a head-on fight. Joel tasks you with keeping watch over the girls and the three horses while he goes ahead to see if he can take care of things on his own or if maybe it's better to just hell-ride through there. You hate the thought of him doing that without you, but you have no choice. You can't leave them alone.

You half-assedly try to get the baby to nurse again, but you're not surprised when she won't; it can't have been more than a half hour ago that she ate. Avery's laying on the ground, her lower half still wrapped in that beyond-filthy blanket, her head propped on your backpack. You settle the baby in the crook of her arm so you can stretch and relax... and not just that -- you're concerned the little girl is going to start thinking you're her mother. Joel says she knows her mother by instinct, and that she knows her mother's voice... but her mother has barely used her voice since she was born, and... what if she couldn't hear it that well in the womb? What if the instinct thing is just bullshit?

"Ellie..." -Avery is awake!

Okay, that's a little freaky... can she read my mind?! You rush to kneel beside her. "Hey there... what do you need?"

Her eyes look very... filmy. Like she can't really see out of them. But she looks at you... "Take her... to that hospital..."

"Yeah, we are. Don't worry. We're almost there." ...Where the fuck does she THINK we're going?!

"I want... her name... I want to call her... ..."

"...Yeah?" you prompt her excitedly. You've been trying to ask Avery about that, among other things, but she's never responded, and until now, you weren't even sure she heard you. "What's her name, Avery?"

"If it's... okay with you..."

You laugh at that. "Uh, you can name your kid whatever you want, okay?"

Avery appears to be concentrating too hard on forming words to bother with things like laughing, or even smiling. "But... I want her name to be... Ellie."

You stare at her. Did she just say... "Wait. You wanna name her after me?"

"Yeah. She's alive... because of you... and it's a lovely name. Ellie." She smiles weakly. "Okay?"

"Um... yeah, of course!" You look at the sleeping infant. ...Ellie? Really? "Wow... you don't have to do that. Don't you have a name already picked out?"

"No, we only... had a boy name... couldn't decide on a girl."

..."We." "Avery, where's her father?"

"Gone. ...dead. He was... protecting us."

"Shit. I'm sorry." You wonder how long ago... what happened... but you don't want to make her cry.

"Me too. It's okay." She sounds so... serene. Like she's at peace with it. Her gaze has been fixed on you all along, but now she looks at you... like she can actually see you. This is as lucid as you've ever seen her. "You and Joel... you're my angels. I'm so grateful you stopped to help me... I can't even tell you... she would've died. I know it. And this way... at least I got to meet her." She smiles at the baby.

You swallow a lump in your throat. "What are you talking about? You make it sound like... look, we're so close -- we're almost there and they're going to fix you up, okay? Don't give up now!" Her color is still shitty, but this is the most she's spoken in ages -- that has to be a good sign...

Avery looks at you again. "It's too late. Just take her there... and I know I've asked... so very much of you, already... but if you could..." She bites her lip, finally marring her perfectly calm demeanor.

"Anything!"

"Can you make sure that... little Ellie goes to a good home?"

You want to tell her of course -- that she will get to raise her own daughter -- that the two of them will come home with you and Joel and have a happy life in Jackson -- that everything's going to be OKAY. But none of that is true. You understand. You feel it, somehow... when you're not trying to bullshit yourself. You know that sometimes people get really lucid right before they die -- it doesn't mean she's getting better. Avery probably should've died yesterday, but she's been hanging on for the baby's sake, and now... she can't do it anymore. She's closing her eyes again... and you're so scared it's going to be for the last time--

She seems to be fading fast, so you'd better find your voice! You grasp her hand. "She will, I promise. And we'll take good care of her 'til then. You don't have to worry. We won't let anything happen to her, I swear." You don't bother blinking back the tears.

"Thank you..."

You sit there, squeezing her hand, crying silently for another minute or so... then you realize she's gone.

Baby Ellie promptly starts to cry.

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