CYOA Page 206

[lumy12]

Page Two Hundred Six

Maybe it's just because you're an orphan yourself, but you can't stand the thought of leaving her here. She'll be taken care of, yes... but how do you know she'll be loved? Those places you lived in... you weren't treated poorly by the staff (at least, not by the majority). Some of them were really nice. They may have even loved you. But none of them adopted you, did they? No. From the time you were old enough to understand the concept of parents (and that you didn't have any), you knew that no one loved you like that. No one thought of you as their own. Seeing the families in Jackson now... how much more affection the kids receive... it only reinforces the feeling that you missed out on some important things as a kid -- all while being told how good you had it, how grateful you should be. (Sure, there's some truth to that, too -- you wouldn't have lasted five minutes on your own. BUT.)

Ideally, every child would be provided for and loved. Maybe that's not realistic, but that's what you want for Ellie, and you have the power to make it happen.

You can see the new understanding in Joel's face when you try to explain this to him. He tells you it wouldn't be like how you grew up. That she probably wouldn't be here long, but even if she were, she'll get lots of attention, as the only baby in residence... that things were crazier back in 2019 when you were born. Maybe so, but you know there are still orphanages full of unloved kids on the other side of the country, if not here. -Someone ought to do something about that, really. If they have trains delivering supplies, why not also use them to deliver some of those kids to places like Jackson, where people who want kids would gladly take them in?

But that's a matter to think about another time.

Joel was appalled when he learned that you didn't even know Marlene until you were thirteen. He felt like she should've stepped up when you were orphaned. Taken more responsibility for you. And if she couldn't be a parent to you herself, she could've tried her damnedest to find you a good home instead of dumping you in a facility and patting herself on the back for 'taking care' of you. You don't like hearing him talk shit about Marlene (it doesn't help that you feel responsible for her death, like she died crossing the country for your sake, even though Joel says the timing was coincidental because all the Fireflies in Boston were leaving anyway), but this time, you're the one who brings it up. "Remember how you said Marlene should've done more for me when I was a baby?"

"That was different." He scowls at the mention of her name.

"How is it different? She promised my mom she'd look out for me, I promised Avery I'd look out for Ellie. You feel like she did the bare minimum necessary to keep that promise, don't you?"

"That's exactly what she did."

"Well, maybe I want to do better than that. I want to do for Ellie what you think Marlene should've done for me."

"It's different. Marlene... was a real piece of work. Cold an' selfish, never--"

"You can't say that, Joel -- you didn't even know her. I only meant that--"

"I can say that, 'cause I did know her. Not the details of her life, her past... but I knew who she was, as a person. You are nothin' like her."

"Well, that's kind of my point -- I want to do more than she did. Didn't you say once that if you were in her shoes, you never would have handed me over to you?" An idea that amuses you, in spite of disagreeing with his unfair assessment of Marlene's character.

"Hell no I wouldn't've sent you off, alone, with some asshole I didn't know. It don' matter if I knew his brother years before. All I know is this guy's a smuggler -- not the most honorable of professions -- and you made it very clear you didn't wanna go with me."

You smile at the memory. "Lucky for me, you didn't hold a grudge about me trying to kill you the second I saw you."

"You thought I was hurtin' your friend. Can't blame you for that. She could've taken me with her an' sent Tess with you to the apartment."

"She didn't know Tess very well, either," you point out.

"At least Tess was a woman."

You roll your eyes. "Well, since you didn't turn out to be a rapist... maybe while you were judging her -- harshly -- she was also judging you, and she could tell that you're a good person. Shut up-- " (you cut him off before he can utter one word to the contrary) "--yes, you are. And I know you feel like even though she was hurt, she should've been the one to take me to the other Fireflies."

"I never said that."

"Yes you did!"

"What I said was, if it was me, an' I was a little banged up but not seriously injured, I would've taken you myself rather than send you off with strangers."

"That's what I said."

"Not exactly. As it was... I think she felt me'n'Tess would do a better job. So she made the right call. But she still could've come along to help, an' to make sure you were all right."

"Yeah, and listen to you bitch about her slowing you down the whole time?"

"Yes. Small price to pay to ensure your safety."

"Whatever -- my point is..." ...what the fuck was I saying?!

"You wanna do right by Ellie," Joel reminds you, "but better than Marlene did by you. Understood."

"Um, yeah. Basically." It just took you a whole lot more words to get there. "And yeah, maybe it's dangerous out there... but there's no one I trust more than you to keep her safe."

He chuckles. "I already told you I'd support whatever decision you made. No need to butter me up."

"I'm not -- it's the truth! Let's see if she's awake yet..."

Joel stops you before you enter your room. "Just to be clear... I never said Marlene should've raised you herself."

"I know. You said she should've found someone who wanted to raise me. Even though it was, as you said, 'a crazier time,' and people were prob'ly more concerned with taking care of themselves and the families they already had rather than taking on more."

He ignores your continued defense of Marlene. "That's what we're talkin' about here, right? You want to take Ellie to Jackson... to find a new family there. Not to live with us."

"...Yeah." You still wish he wouldn't be so quick to dismiss that idea, though. "Right. But I still wanna see her."

"Like an open adoption."

"Open?"

"Where the adoptive parents keep in touch with the birth parents... an' maybe let 'em be involved in the kid's life, to some extent."

"Yeah. That sounds good." You snort. "I suppose I'm the closest thing she has to a birth parent: I helped her come into the world... I was actually there for the birth. As in, not passed-- no! -- I didn't faint." You just have to use the word that sounds more embarrassing -- and decidedly less masculine.

Joel sighs good-naturedly. "Yes, we've already established I ain't as tough as you. Soon, the whole town's gonna know it."

"Yep! Can't wait!"

* * * * * *

An hour later, the three of you are on your way home.

You're loaded up with more baby shit than you could've hoped for, and Danny's going to bring even more home with him, when the time comes; they can get replacements fairly easily, and you're not sure what all Jackson has on hand, as you haven't had to care prior to now. The disposable diapers they use are awesome... you and Joel are both thinking that you likely don't have those at home, but there should be a fair amount of cloth ones (plus the ability to make more). You should have enough disposables to last the trip, at least. Milk shouldn't be a problem, assuming the town's two (or maybe three?) nursing mothers have enough to share, and the doctors seemed to think it likely. Apparently, it's not like the body produces a finite amount; it goes more by demand. Their bodies will just think their baby has a voracious appetite! Jackson might even have the powdered stuff (formula) on hand, for all you know (but since you don't know, you're taking most of the hospital's stock!). You know for sure that they'll have baby clothes for every age; those get passed down as needed. But when Kimberly, a nurse-ish person there who knits blankets and sweaters for the hospital, offered to make some (very basic) dresses and booties for Ellie, you told her "yes please!" It's always nice to have new stuff. Danny will bring home whatever she's completed at the time.

Someone devised a baby sling out of an arm sling for you, so now you can carry her hands-free! Well, mostly. It's not as safe as a 'real' baby sling, so you have to make sure she doesn't slide out or somehow get stuck in an uncomfortable position. You ask Joel if he wants to take turns with the sling, but he wants you to keep her. That way, if you run into any trouble, he's free to handle it... any potential threat, he can perhaps check it out himself. You're not thrilled with the idea -- why can't you take turns doing that? -- but he insists. Apparently, the thought of him hanging back, holding a baby, while you charge off to protect him, is unfathomable. You think it would fit in well with his macho fainting, but when you tell him as much, he just glares at you (which only makes you giggle).

It's not going to be easy for you to hang back, either. The real hardship will be if Joel gets in over his head and you have to help him out. You can't really fight with a baby strapped to your chest. You may be able to help remotely, but you don't even like the thought of lighting a Molotov cocktail or activating a nail bomb with her so close to it. Shooting your gun probably wouldn't be that bad, except the sound would surely freak her out. You forgot to ask the doctors if firing a gun mere inches from a baby would damage their little eardrums (Joel doesn't know; he didn't have to worry about that with Sarah). Joel says that the two of you can read each situation that arises and act accordingly. Like, there might be a car you can hide her in, or a bush you can hide her under... you won't be able to keep her quiet, but you can stick her somewhere the horses can't trample her and then do your best to draw enemy attention away from there. The general plan, as always, is to avoid rather than engage, and to choose stealth over a firefight.

Anyway, you're certainly not going to complain about the constant baby duty. Ellie is much more pleasant to deal with this time around! You still have to stop more frequently than usual to feed her and change her, though. Joel offers to help with this surprisingly often; he seems to think it's only fair since you're 'doing all the work' the rest of the time. Yes, because it's really difficult holding a sleeping baby in a sling?

That first day, you only have one semi-scary moment: a gunshot rings out, close enough to startle all of you. Your horse rears, Ellie screams--

--but you manage to stay on the horse, and you right her quickly. The look of terror on Joel's face when he turns around is probably the scariest thing of all; he doesn't ever look that scared when he's fighting! But then you realize he was momentarily afraid Ellie had fallen out of the sling or something... he's visibly relieved when he sees she's okay. You don't see anyone, and Joel thinks it might just be a hunter (as in, a person who is hunting, not a hunter-hunter), but of course, the two of you keep a closer-than-usual eye on that direction. Joel even has you ride on his left side instead of the right, since the shot came from the right. He's adorably paranoid like that sometimes. When he says he's looking out for "his two Ellies," your heart fucking melts. You're pretty much used to the idea of being 'his' by now, but it's not something you talk about much, so...

No, the real heart-melt-y thing is that he used 'his' in connection to baby Ellie. ...Except he doesn't really mean it that way, does he? It's probably just a casual, throwaway remark that means nothing.

She's not even YOUR Ellie, for fuck's sake, you remind yourself. Which is fine. You'll still be in her life. That's all you want.

You're spending the night in a mobile home -- quite the improvement over the camper Ellie was born in, although it's pretty small (it's the fourth place you looked at tonight and the first one that's inhabitable). Joel makes a fire and starts warming up some dinner while you're busy feeding the baby (and who knew there were such things as battery-operated bottle warmers?!). You think Ellie prefers the milk to be warmer rather than cooler, but she's not all that fussy. She'll drink water, too, but you don't dare give it to her when she's hungry -- she'll turn away from the bottle and give you a "what the fuck is this shit?" look (Joel laughed that off and said she's too little to give looks, but you swear she did) before vocalizing her displeasure.

You've made a crib of sorts for her out of a twin bed in one of the bedrooms (you plan on sleeping in the other twin bed). Joel says she can't roll over yet, but for peace of mind, you mean to enclose her, crosswise, on the bed with saddle bags on three sides and a wall on the fourth side. Once she's fed and burped (and you changed her like... maybe a half hour ago, so she should be good there), you lay her in the center of the square you made and tuck a blanket around her. You start to leave, and she starts crying. You try burping her a little more... you check her diaper and find all is well... and she's not crying now. You try to lay her down again, and again she starts to cry when you leave. "Hey, Joel!" you call out; the kitchen window is open, so he should hear you. "Can you come here a minute?"

He looks at the crying baby. "What, she don't like your crib?"

"Can you do that burrito thing again and I'll pay more attention this time?"

He chuckles. "You did it all right before."

"Yours was better."

The hospital gave you a blanket to use specifically for swaddling (or, as Joel likes to say, making a baby burrito). You hand it to him so he can work his magic. The idea is to simulate the womb; being squished apparently makes newborns feel safe (and you like knowing she'll be completely covered up, since you don't have any clothes for her and it can be chilly at night). He does it perfectly in like twenty seconds.

"Go to sleep now," you urge her. "We have to go eat."

She's still fussing.

Joel looks at her and shakes his head. "She's a selfish little thing. You told her it's our turn to eat now, an' she don't care."

"Ha ha. She's not really crying, though..." At least not like she was.

"We can leave her be. C'mon."

Just before you step outside, she starts really-crying again. You groan.

"Guess she ain't ready to go to sleep yet," Joel observes (brilliantly).

You walk back to the bedroom. "What do you want, kiddo?" you ask her. You even wait for her to answer. She reverts to the... sorta-but-not-really crying. When you pick her up, she stops. "Okay, fine, you can hang out with us. But not in this nice clean blanket." This is going to be an indoors-only blanket, if you can help it, so Joel's beautiful swaddling job is wasted.

"We should start checking cars for baby seats," you tell Joel as you try to find a way to simultaneously hold her and eat where she can't stick a hand or foot in your dinner, and you can't accidentally drop forkfuls of meat on her or her 'outside' blanket (laying her on the cold hard ground feels mean). "Maybe she could sort of sit on one of the bags?"

"Give her here."

Joel tucks her in the crook of one arm and eats from his plate on the other side. "That can't be comfortable for you," you sympathize.

"It's fine. Don't plan to spend a lot of time eatin' anyhow."

You don't know how he can say that when dinner includes corn on the cob, but he does eat that faster than you do.

"It must suck to be a baby, huh," you comment.

"You think so? Seems like a pretty sweet deal to me. Eat, sleep, an' shit. You don't even have to wipe your own ass."

You giggle softly. "Well, when you put it like that... but no, I mean like... she can't even move. She can't roll over if she wants to... if she has an itch, she can't scratch it... she can't talk to us... she can only cry and hope that we know what she wants."

"She's gettin' good at tellin' us, don't you think?"

"I guess..." Or you're getting better at 'listening.'

"She'll have us perfectly trained before we get home."

You smile at her sadly. "Then she'll have to start allllll over with someone new."

Joel doesn't reply to that.

She seems very alert right now. Eyes wide open, looking around at nothing in particular. "I think she likes the fire. Maybe cuz it's bright enough that she can see it?"

"Maybe. She can't see too far in front of her face yet." He takes a bite and turns to watch her as he chews.

"I think she likes our voices," you add. "Maybe she just wants to know we're around."

"She sure does seem to like bein' held."

You continue the easy dinner conversation, somehow feeling happy and sad at the same time when you're talking about Ellie and what her new life might be like (which is pretty much the entire time). Joel does finish eating fairly quickly. He scoots back a little to lean against a tree, pulls his knees up, and lays Ellie against his legs so she's facing him. Then he plays with her, coaxing her to grasp his finger and then jiggling her arm, or bouncing her lightly... it's so fucking cute you almost can't stand it. He's murmuring to her (he doesn't do the baby talk thing), but you can't hear what he's saying.

When you finish eating, you scoot over there and lean against him so you can see her face, too. We better get to babysit her a lot, you think sadly. (The little voice in your head that says things like "who says we have to give her away?" can just shut the fuck up now.) "Eww... did you know you have spit-up on your shoulder right here?"

"I didn't bother with the towel last time. This shirt's had worse on it."

He never complains. He isn't much of a complainer in the first place, really, but for a man who doesn't want this baby... he just isn't acting like he doesn't want her. You wonder if he would be open to the idea of keeping her now... he would never bring it up, especially after he already said no -- I'D have to do it, then maybe...

Ugh. Why do you want to ruin a perfectly nice moment right now? you scold yourself.

You haven't even allowed yourself to dwell on the idea of keeping her since Joel shut that down. You're cool with being Auntie Ellie.

But...

Always that 'but.'

It wouldn't hurt to ask, would it?

Yes. Yes it would, if he shoots it down -- in words this time, not with non-answers.

And you're happy with the way things are. You keep thinking you have only one more (full) day with her, then that's it... but that's not it. Because you're going to the same place. You'll probably see her so much that her new parents will get sick of you hanging around all the time.

That's enough -- no, more than enough -- for you.

...isn't it?!



If it's not, and you want to talk to Joel about keeping her, turn to page 209.

If it is:

THE END



If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.

Comments

Carlos

[(Anonymous)]

I chose to continue with the argument about the baby.

RE: Carlos

[luminations.livejournal.com]

Aww yay :)