CYOA Page 209
Sep. 11th, 2013 11:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12You have to at least try. Hell -- maybe Joel will talk you out of wanting to keep her once and for all, and the matter will finally be settled in your heart.
Here goes nothing... er, except hopefully it's SOMEthing! (dumb expression)... "Joel... you know before, when we heard that gunshot...?"
"Yeah?"
"What were you thinking when you turned and looked at us?"
"Uh... 'holy shit,' I think?"
"...Okay, what did you think right after that?"
"I didn't think anythin' -- just wanted to make sure you were all right."
"Me and her. Both of us."
"Right." He makes baby Ellie clap her hands. Only she doesn't actually clap them because her hands seem to be perpetually clenched into little fists.
"You were... scared. Weren't you?"
"I didn't think it sounded close enough to--"
"No, scared cuz the horse reared up like that."
"Sure. For a second."
"Why?"
"Because... that can be dangerous?" He glances at you. Probably trying to figure out what you're trying to make him say.
...Why did I want to go this way? you chastise yourself. Dragging Joel's feelings out of him could be an all-night process (and he likely wouldn't tolerate it all night). "For the baby."
"For both of you."
"Especially for the baby, though."
"And you," he insists, "especially since you're holdin' a baby an' not usin' both hands to--"
"Okay, but -- if I fell off, I'd prob'ly be fine. Unless I hit my head on a rock or something. I know how to fall off a horse."
"You might not be, if you're thinkin' about protectin' her instead of yourself." Now he's running his hands all over her in a tickly or scratchy motion.
"I thought you said she can't laugh yet?"
"She can't."
"Isn't it like... torture if you can't laugh when you're being tickled?"
He chuckles. "She can prob'ly barely feel it through this blanket anyhow."
Focus, Ellie! "So... you were worried cuz you thought I might've hurt myself. From holding Ellie."
"Not like I expected that to... -The possibility crossed my mind, sure."
"You... weren't worried about the baby at all."
"Well, of course I was. She could've broken her neck."
Finally! "So you do care about her."
"Of course I don't wanna see anythin' bad happen to her."
You try not to show your frustration. He's not saying anything bad, he's just... too casual? Speaking too generally? "That would have been... horrible."
"Yes. A horrible accident... but I know you'd blame yourself. You'd be devastated."
"Well... yeah." And then Joel would blame himself, too, like he always does. But this isn't about ME! "Wouldn't you be?"
Joel sighs. "Let's try an' put her down now."
"No, wait a second." Maybe this isn't the right tactic... making him think about losing her will remind him of Sarah, and why would he want to open himself up to that kind of pain again? "Look... I see how you are with her. The way you look at her, the way you sing to her... you love her, don't you?" ...ugh... too direct?!
"Babies are lovable things," he sidesteps. "It's been nice spendin' time with her. But she ain't mine."
Oh! Yes, about THAT-- "But before -- you said 'my two Ellies.' Like... you claimed her."
"That was just... you're reachin', on that one." He's kind of flustered now... "It came out that way, but... I meant both of you, bein' named Ellie... the two Ellies."
...Which still doesn't explain why he said 'my' the first time. "But it came out that way for a reason."
"Sure... the reason bein' I'm responsible for you," he says, all smooth now that he's come up with a better answer. "That's all I meant by it. On this trip, you're both my responsibility. Ellie, what are you gettin' at? Just come out an' say it."
But you're onto something now. "And after this trip? You won't feel... responsible for her anymore. At all."
"That's the way it works, yes."
"Not really. I mean, it doesn't have to be like that. That's how you and me started out -- I was a burden you got stuck with. You got more than you bargained for on that job. And then, you kept going... first because of Tess, but then because of me. And then in the end, when you could've finally gotten rid of me, you didn't. Because you still felt responsible and you cared about me -- so you felt like you had to do something about it. Like... you had no choice."
"Ellie--"
"No, wait. That's how I feel, about her. We got stuck with her, and now I want to be stuck with her. And you feel it too, Joel, I know you do! You don't have to say it. But I know it." You pause a moment... because if you are completely off-base, he needs to set you straight here.
Baby Ellie is a convenient means for him to not look at you. He's playing with her little fingers... watching them like he needs to concentrate or something... you can't tell if he's trying to find the words, or if he's about to shut this down. "Her arms are gettin' cold." He shifts her back to the cradling position, tucking the blanket snugly around her.
"So... what if I do most of the work? If you're not ready to... make a commitment... if it's too soon? I mean... it's okay if it's just me. But since we live together and all..."
Joel chuckles, but doesn't say anything.
You're not sure why. "What."
"You know what you remind me of? A kid beggin' her parents to let her get a puppy or somethin'. This is a child, Ellie."
...Duh? "Yeah, I know she's not a puppy, Joel. Kinda noticed that." And you notice how Joel's holding her -- in the arm farther away from you, so he can look at her and face away from you.
"You're... real attached to her. I get it. But you're not her mother."
For some reason, that hits you like a punch in the gut. It's fucking true, but... "That's not how it feels to me," you say softly. "And I bet if she could talk, she'd tell you that's not how it feels to her, either. I'm the closest thing she has to one. And you're the closest thing she has to a father. She's all alone in the world... no family... why can't we be her family?"
"You're too young."
Ah, yes, the much-anticipated argument. "I'm sixteen. Almost as old as Sarah's mother was when you had her."
"Psh. She was too young, too. So was I."
"So you wish it never happened?" you challenge. ...bad idea.
"Ellie--"
"I know -- okay, forget about that. After everything that's happened... my age doesn't really have anything to do with it, does it? I mean... would you trust Samantha with Ellie? She's four years older than me."
Joel sighs. "Of course not. You're much more mature than she is."
"Yet I'm too young. Why? You think I don't know what I'm signing up for?"
"I know you don' know what you're signin' up for."
"But the other day -- you said I'd be a good mom. A great mom, actually."
"Yes. Someday."
"If I'm already great at it, why can't someday be today? I didn't ask for it... but I'm ready for it. I want it. We can figure it out. Like you've been saying all along here -- and we are figuring it out."
Joel looks at you now... searchingly. You're not sure what he's looking for... "Why do you want this so bad?"
"...Why? Because... I love her."
"That's it?"
"Basically, yeah. Isn't that enough of a reason? I brought her into the world... I felt a bond with her from the very first breath she took."
"Ain't it also because... you feel like she loves you?"
"She does love me. She loves both of us."
"An' that's a good feelin'. Feelin' loved."
"Uh... yeah?"
"Makes up for a whole long time of... not bein' loved. Once you feel it. Maybe it makes you wanna... hold on to it. As long as you can."
"I mean... yeah. Sure. So?" ...Where is he going with this?
"So... maybe you like the idea of someone lovin' you, for a real long time. But the thing about kids? They don't always make you feel loved. It's easy right now, when she's--"
"Hold on. Are you saying... that I don't really love her -- that I only love her loving me?"
"Not exactly--"
"But basically, yeah -- like I'm being selfish or something?"
"No. More like... you don' know what all this entails. You've got these nice pretty notions in your head--"
"I fucking love her, okay? I would do anything for her. If there was a bullet flying right at her, I'd jump in front of it. Same as I would for you. How can you think so little of me that--"
"I don't. Don't put words in my mouth."
"Then how can you say this shit, if you think... Joel, Ellie isn't Sarah. And I'm not Sarah's mom. Whatever happened--"
"Again -- don't put words in my mouth. I'm well aware that you're different. That don' mean that at sixteen years old you're ready to be a mother -- to a child that ain't even yours. There are other options here. An' there's no shame in... lettin' her go to a--"
"I don't want to let her go!" Maybe that's the real issue here... he doesn't feel the same way and he's just looking for excuses. "But obviously, you want to. And I don't think she likes us fighting... or maybe she's just getting tired. Give her to me." You rise to a squatting position so that you can stand up more easily with Ellie in your arms.
Joel makes no move to hand her to you, though.
"Will you give her to me please? It's almost too dark to see inside the house and I want to roll-- to swaddle her." You could use your flashlight, of course, but there's no reason you should have to.
He silently shifts her toward you enough that you can pick her up. You smile at her like nothing's amiss. "Okay, baby girl, let's get you to bed finally."
You swaddle her pretty well, you think, and kiss her goodnight (although she'll probably be up again in a couple hours). You sit on the bed outside of her 'crib walls,' leaning against the wall, waiting for her to fall asleep. Not because you think you need to, but because the longer you stay in here, the longer it'll be before you have to talk to Joel again. You softly hum her one of the lullabies you heard Joel singing to her.
You can't be upset with Joel. He's never once said that the two of you should raise Ellie. It was stupid for you to think he may have changed his mind, and even stupider to try to change it for him. The best thing for Ellie would be to have two parents who love her. If Joel would just be going through the motions... and wouldn't he end up resenting you for making him do it? As well he should. I owe him an apology...
But, damnit, you can't shake the feeling that he does love her, does want her, and just doesn't fucking want to admit it. And if he's on the fence... Ellie would win him over in time, you're sure. When she starts smiling -- she's already so fucking cute right now, but how cute will she be then?? And if, by some miracle, she doesn't change his mind, couldn't you love her enough for the both of you? Joel might be distant and uninterested, but he wouldn't be cruel to her.
Still -- living with one person who loves you and one person who tolerates you isn't as good as living with two people who love you.
...but he WOULD love her, I fucking KNOW he would!
Back and forth you go.
Continue to page 197.
Carlos
Date: 2020-06-27 04:08 am (UTC)RE: Carlos
Date: 2020-06-27 01:38 pm (UTC)