CYOA Page 219
Sep. 11th, 2013 06:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12Joel doesn't object this time (perhaps realizing the futility of it: you're not going anywhere!). He does, however, object when you try to sit in the middle, gently directing you to sit beside him so he can pretty much turn his back on you while talking to Zack. ...and THAT'S not ominous or anything...
"As you can see," he begins, "Ellie an' I have a difference of opinion on this. The way that we... ...well, it's somethin' we struggle with. ... ...That... ain't really what... ..."
The long pauses are painful, but true to your word, you bear them silently. You have to lean forward to see Zack; he looks surprisingly receptive for someone who "doesn't want to hear any more".
Joel keeps trying to speak like a normal person: "I'm sorry that you... saw what you saw. I didn' mean to... ...it shouldn't've happened that way... ... ..."
...Well, OBVIOUSLY? You bite your tongue.
"Since I didn't plan on... that happenin'... I don't have it all worked out... what to say. I can't explain it... can't justify it... an' though I'd... I'd like to say that I don't have to... ..."
"You don't," you blurt out. "Don't get mad -- I said I'd let you talk, and I am, it's just that you leave this big spaces between things, so if I just talk in those spaces, it's not interfering, right?"
Joel makes a sound that's almost a chuckle, so you know he's not mad. "If I'm tryin' to find the right words, though, you're interferin' with the process."
"Well, I don't know why it takes you so long. Just say what you wanna say. It's not hard."
Joel ignores this (which is fine, as you realize it was perhaps a bit harsh) and returns his attention to Zack. "Grown-ups... in general... do a lot of things that kids maybe don't understand. For reasons that they... just can't understand. Until they're older. But your... feelin'... your instinct... that what you saw was... well. Just plain wrong? I don't wanna... mess with that. Undermine that. Because you're right, to feel that way."
No he's not! Unless..."but Ellie and I are the exception to the rule"... Yeah, that works... come on... SAY IT!
But he ignores your mental nudge as well. "Most times, I'd say... if you suspect anythin' like that is... goin' on... ..."
"Anything like what?" you ask (because you can't help yourself, and he's still fucking pausing like every other word).
"An adult... takin' advantage of a child."
"Well, we're not like that. Not at all." You rise enough to throw your arms around Joel's neck from your spot behind him, pressing your smooth cheek against his fuzzy one. "Zack -- I love him. He's very good to me. Like, you wouldn't believe how sweet he can--"
"Ellie! No," Joel chides you (but he doesn't shake you off!), still looking at Zack. "What we're doin'... is inappropriate. An' we ain't gonna throw it in your face." ...Now he slowly pulls your arms apart and lets you slide down his back.
You stay there, leaning against him, and your arms find their way around his waist instead. "It's just a hug. Hugging isn't ~inappropriate~."
Joel's quiet for a moment, presumably debating whether to remove you or not, and ultimately decides to leave you be. "All I can say is... I'm doin' my best to look out for her... in every other way... an' I'd never--"
"What do you mean 'every other way'?" you interrupt him. "There's no way that you're... not."
"From your perspective."
"Well, isn't that the one that matters the most? When it's concerning me and what's supposedly best for me?"
"Really don't wanna get into that again just now," Joel says wearily. "Son, you don't have to accept Ellie'n'me as... what we are..."
Jesus fucking Christ. "You mean a couple? Two people in love? You make it sound bad. Or at least weird."
He snorts. "Again. Difference of opinion. It is weird. Even you have to admit as much."
"I admit no such thing." You let go of him and go sit on the other side of Zack, which makes the kid turn to look at you. "I think what Joel's trying to say is that a relationship like this is only wrong if the... older person is hurting the younger one." Fuck that "adult and child" bullshit! "Like, using them... abusing them... manipulating them... taking advantage somehow." You've never understood that last one in this context, but Joel sure likes to think that's what he's doing. "Joel's not doing any of that. He, like... goes the opposite way. He won't even... well, you get the idea." Although, judging by the look on Zack's face, it seems he doesn't. He's young enough that even kissing seems gross, so you figure it's best not to bring sex into the picture if it's not already there.
"So... it's not wrong, because you love each other," Zack concludes.
"Yes!" you say happily at the same time Joel says, "Not exactly."
Zack turns to look at Joel, so you put your hand on his shoulder to turn him back your way. "You do get it. Joel is amazing, and any girl would be lucky to have him."
Since it doesn't appear that Joel's going to contradict you on that, you let the kid digest what you've been telling him. He looks at you, then back at Joel. "Why are you pretending to be her dad? I think... if you weren't doing that..."
"It would be less creepy?" you supply.
He turns back to you. "Yeah. Weird, but not... bad-weird?"
"That's kind of what I've been thinking, too," you admit. "I mean, I don't think it's weird at--"
"You would have," Joel interjects. "When we first met... neither of us expected this."
"Speak for yourself. I knew it the whole time," you lie.
"You did?" asks Zack.
Joel just gives you a knowing look; of course he knows you're lying. You've had honest conversations about this shit.
"I did! He's never felt like... just my dad. You know? There's always been something... more, there. If you've ever had a crush on anyone... that feeling was there."
"I never have," Zack mumbles... but he seems a little squirmy now, like maybe he has and doesn't want to admit it. Or maybe he's not sure.
You may have had crushes on people before Riley, but thinking back, there was nothing that even remotely compared to the way you felt about her. I don't think I thought kissing was gross at ten, though?... Maybe you did. It was so long ago you don't really remember for sure. Maybe it's just the idea of you and Joel kissing that grosses the kid out, but if it's the act of kissing in general, then all of this is completely foreign to him anyway.
"So why pretend?" he asks... of either of you, it seems.
"Because Joel's scared not to," you reply.
"Scared?" The bewildered look on the kid's face suggests that he believes the words 'Joel' and 'scared' do not belong together in a sentence.
"For good reason," Joel adds. "Look, here's the thing. People in town... most of 'em, maybe even all of 'em, wouldn't approve of her'n'me. If they found out... they'd fix it so we can't live together."
You still think Joel's exaggerating about that, but you can't take that chance. You grab Zack's arm again to get his attention. "Dude -- that's why you cannot tell anyone about what you saw. You have to swear you won't tell a soul."
He frowns. "What happens if I don't?"
"If you don't what? If you don't swear? If anyone knows... they'll split us up." Which you can't really imagine happening, but you won't share that with Zack. "They'll make me live with someone else, and since--"
"I mean what happens to me if I don't?" he cuts you off.
Joel chuckles. "Nothin'. You don't have to swear."
"Yes he does!" you cry. "Zack -- we won't hurt you or anything, of course, but -- we would hate you forever if you share this with anyone. Can you live with that?"
Joel gives you another Look. "Ellie--"
"What?" You sigh, exasperated. "Okay, fine -- but I am not letting anyone split us up. I'd prob'ly have to kill whoever you told, to shut them up. Then--"
"She's exaggeratin' a bit," Joel interjects.
"Um, not really." Unless you beat me to it, Joel... "So then we'd either get killed or kicked out of town. Or maybe we'd leave before anyone gets hurt. Whatever happens -- it wouldn't be good. So please please please just don't tell anyone, okay?"
Zack absorbs all this... then looks at Joel, for some reason.
"We do have to keep it a secret, for a while," Joel tells him, "an' we would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone, but it's up to you."
"Joel!" you chide him.
"It's his decision, Ellie. We're askin' him to do somethin' that's wrong."
"Oh my God -- it's not wrong! You're just confusing him! Zack, listen to me -- me and Joel being together isn't wrong, and keeping it a secret isn't wrong. You're doing us a huge favor if you keep our secret, cuz people are idiots and they'll think it's wrong, but I promise you -- it's not. So promise me you won't tell anyone. Like, you can't even tell someone who you think would keep it a secret, cuz then they tell someone they trust not to tell, and so on, and that's how secrets get out -- so if it's bugging you and you want to talk about it or something, you talk to me, okay? And I'll remind you that you're doing the right thing."
Zack... looks confused, naturally. "You're saying it's the right thing? He just said it's wrong."
"That's because Joel is -- I mean, I love him and everything, but he... can also be kind of a dumbass about this stuff, just like Jackson people. Zack, think about it -- if it was bad for me and Joel to be together, why would I be trying so hard to get you to swear not to tell? Why would I keep the secret? Right? But I'm really happy with him so I don't want to fuck that up."
He looks at you, still not doing the nodding or giving off the "yeah that makes sense" vibe you so desperately want from him. "There are other reasons why," he says quietly.
...Oh shit, of course! You look at Joel. "Joel, can I talk to him alone for a minute? Please? If you want to talk to him alone after that, I won't butt in."
Joel seems to get that there's something you know that he doesn't, so he doesn't argue with you. "All right. I'll go whip up some breakfast. You hungry?" he asks Zack.
"Yeah!"
"It'll be ready in a few."
When you're sure Joel is out of earshot, you look at Zack earnestly. "You know how Joel said that we're asking you to... do something wrong? Like keeping this secret is wrong? Because keeping secrets like yours is wrong. When the adult -- when the older person... is hurting the younger one. Like I said before. He's not hurting me -- I've never been this happy in my whole life. And you see it, don't you? I was laughing before... cuz I'm happy. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel good... he makes life so much better for me than it would be otherwise. But you... and your not-dad..."
"You promised you wouldn't tell!" he reminds you, and you hear the fear in his voice.
"And I won't. I should, because he hurts you. And cuz you're so unhappy that it made you run away. But I won't," you reassure him again before he starts pleading. "I think it's wrong to keep this secret, and I want to tell Joel, cuz I know he'd help you... but it's your secret, so it's yours to tell. Or not tell." You pause, waiting for him to completely relax again before continuing. "I know you don't want to tell cuz you're scared... and you feel, like... ashamed and stuff. Right? But trust me: this isn't like that at all. I'm not afraid of Joel. He doesn't threaten me to keep me quiet or anything." Well... he kind of did, at first, but certainly not with bodily harm! More like... he scares you with what he believes the consequences will be if you tell. "Does that help clear things up? At least a little?"
"Yeah. I guess. ...I still don't get why Joel thinks it's wrong, if it's... different. From my secret."
"Because he... has some old-fashioned ideas about what's right and wrong. He makes it more complicated than it really is. I love him, he loves me, we're happy. That's all that matters. Does that make sense to you -- that that's all the should matter?"
"That part does, yeah."
"Good. You're smart. The thing is... if you tell people, and they're old-fashioned too, so they don't get it? They're going to assume he's hurting me, and split us up. And as you can see, Joel sucks at defending our position, so they won't believe that he's not. He acts like he's guilty, when really he's just confused. And he's confused cuz... well, old people get confused sometimes... you've seen that, right? He just thinks there's more to it -- there's not. I'm more like an adult than a kid anyway, so I know he's not manipulating my feelings or anything. I'm old enough to know I really do love him, you know?"
Now Zack nods, although he probably doesn't really understand where you were trying to go with that last bit. "Yeah... okay. Don't worry, I'm not going to tell anybody."
"You won't? Really?" you ask, overly theatrical in your hopefulness.
He shrugs. "There's no reason to. And if my secret is mine to tell, then this one is yours to tell."
"Yes, exactly! Ohhh thank you, Zack, you're the best!" You throw your arms around him and squeeze the hell out of him until he giggles, then kiss his cheek for good measure before you pull away. "And I mean it -- if you ever start wondering if you're doing the right thing, come talk to me. If you ever have questions, or you just think of something that--"
"I promise I won't tell, okay? Can we go eat now?" Zack groans.
"Sure, let's go." Damage control DONE!
You feel pretty confident that if Joel does want to talk to Zack some more now, he'll stumble through it enough that Zack won't understand, and then Zack will remember that old people get confused (sorry, Joel!), which will invalidate any of Joel's words that contradict yours. And between the two of us, who is more believable? More eloquent? More LOGICAL? If you were thinking about spilling Zack's secret before, well... now you can't, because the first thing he'd probably do in his anger over your betrayal is to retaliate by spilling yours. And while part of you wouldn't mind that (no more sneaking around, acting like you're doing something shameful when you're not), a bigger part of you is scared that Joel could be right about how stupid fucking ignorant people would react. It's not a risk worth taking.
You're just glad you didn't have to resort to blackmail by employing the I'll-keep-your-secret-if-you-keep-mine tactic. You would have, too. You may have felt a bit guilty, threatening a kid, but you would do anything to keep you and Joel from being split up. No, Joel, I wasn't exaggerating before... I would KILL to keep that from happening. Hopefully, it will never come to that.
If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.
Carlos
Date: 2021-01-27 06:01 am (UTC)RE: Carlos
Date: 2021-01-27 01:24 pm (UTC)