CYOA Page 230

[lumy12]

Page Two Hundred Thirty

You are taking the job of watching Zack to heart. This kid ain't going nowhere with you watching him like a hawk. And since you're busy doing that, you can't look Joel in the face. Ever. Maybe you'll stare at Zack every moment of every day for the rest of your life... it might be a little unnerving for him, but he'd get used to it...

You get the feeling Joel is looking at you, though. Worse than that, you get the feeling he's enjoying this. Which is weird, because the subject of sex usually makes him so uncomfortable.

After an awkward pause (the first of many, you're sure), Joel speaks. "Now, I feel it would be... remiss of me to let you go on believin' that I'm... hung like a horse. I--"

"I knowwww. It's called fiction," you mutter through gritted teeth.

"I see. So, none of this is... wishful thinkin', or..."

"You know I want us to have sex, yeah. Or I did before you turned into such a jerkweed."

That makes him laugh. "Not anymore, though?"

"Nope."

"Never?"

"Never," you confirm. You imagine it's kind of hard to fuck someone when you can't look them in the face. Like, you have to kiss them and everything still, right? So...

"All right... that's good. Then you won't be disappointed by my... uh... average size."

You snort. "I'm sure it's more than average. I've... you know. Felt it through your pants, sort of."

"Average," he repeats.

You wonder if it hurt his feelings, reading that... like, if Joel wrote something about admiring a woman's huge tits, you'd have to wonder if he's unhappy with the size of yours. "I just put that in there cuz... big dicks are like, what everyone says is good. And yours... seems pretty big to me, so... yeah." Definitely easier to say this shit NOT to his face! "I mean... it's fine. It's... whatever."

"So... big ain't necessarily your personal preference."

You can see the smirk on his face without even looking at him: it's in his voice! Why was I even worried about his stupid fucking feelings?! "Yeah."

"All right. Thank you for clarifyin'. So, let's see, then you're... well, you remember what happens next."

You hear him turn the page -- and you know what comes after the big dick observation! "You don't have to read it out loud," you wince.

He ignores this. "Looks like you're... very enthusiastic. Seems like I'm enjoyin' the hell out of it. But this part... 'he squirted it like straight down my throat but got... got some on my tongue as he was pullin' it out so I did get a taste... if I had to describe it I would say it's like milk only sweeter.' ... an' then... that was real nice of me to apologize after. Then you--"

"I fucking remember, you don't have to fucking read it!" you cut him off before he reads about you telling him how much you loved it, and how you want to milk his cock every day and drink it for breakfast (yeah, you're pretty sure you wrote something stupid like that... what the fuck were you THINKING, Ellie? That's not hot, it's DUMB).

"Right. Now... I've never tasted it, I'll admit. But... I'm pretty sure it don't taste good. Definitely not sweet. If you think--"

"Again," you growl, "I'm making shit up because I don't know. Not like you'd ever let me do it in real life. If you're going to criticize every little thing--"

"I ain't criticizin'. Like I said, I just feel it would be remiss of me--"

"Yeah, yeah. Basically, you just wanna torture me. I get it. Well done." You watch Zack picking through the junk pile, and you wish like mad that you were over there with him instead of having this awful conversation.

"All right, I'll stop readin' it out loud. But this..." You hear him flipping ahead... probably to the pages you wrote last night. "This here. I'm movin' way too fast for your first time."

"You asked if I was sure," you say defensively. "I know you would do that!" He's already done it for much less than fucking--

"An' then... no foreplay, no nothin', I jus' slide right in," he continues, dismissing your self defense. "Which seems all right in the story 'cause... you seem to like it... but there's no way that's gonna feel good when you ain't--"

"We were kissing and stuff first," you point out.

"Right... all right. But generally... it hurts, the first time. So don't expect--"

"I don't expect anything! We're never going to fuck anyway so it doesn't matter, but I just wanted to write something happy, okay?" You watch Zack tugging a broken frame out of the pile, and it's practically as tall as he is... you can't see the picture in it very well but it's some kind of landscape...

Joel is quiet for a moment, and you wonder if he's going to end this now...

...but of course you're not that lucky! "An' then, here... where you said you had ten orgasms..."

"Eleven, total." ...Why am I even bothering to correct him?!

"Oh... right. Excuse me -- eleven orgasms. An' it sounds like I... had more than one myself. Did we take a break or somethin'? 'Cause from what I can tell, we were goin' at it hard for two straight hours, non-stop."

You sigh. "Joel, do I have to remind you--"

"I know -- you don' know. Well, for the actual... for that part... that's way too long. Especially for a man my age."

"Okay, whatever." Now Zack's putting smaller items inside what looks like a cinder block...

"Then after the two hours... damn, you still want more... an' I only get a five-minute break in-between?"

"I would've given you longer. That's all you said you needed," you scoff. "If you're going to read it, at least fucking read it the right way!"

"Then he says not even that long, if you..." He snorts. "I don't like this guy with you."

"What do you mean? It's you." Duh!

"But he don't sound like me. He's a bit... crass."

"Crass?"

"...Rude. Vulgar."

"Well, I like him. He's willing to fuck me. Not only willing -- he enjoys it. And in case you didn't notice, he said a lot of romantic things to me. He loves me."

Joel sighs and passes the book over to you. "Is that what this is about?"

You lay the offending journal on the other side of you, keeping a protective hand over it in case Joel tries to snatch it back or something. "It's about me wishing we could have sex but since we can't I have to write stupid stories. That's what it's about."

Joel scoots closer and puts an arm around your shoulders... and you don't protest. "We've talked about this. You know why we--"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. But you asked me what it was about, so I told you." You don't need to be told for the umpteenth time what a filthy disgusting pervert Joel thinks he is for being with you.

"It ain't stupid to have fantasies," he says quietly. "It's normal. I'm just wonderin'... did you leave this there for me to find 'cause you wanted--"

"You think I wanted you to find it?!" You're so surprised by this that you glance at him -- but you quickly avert your gaze again. "You've gotta be kidding me. I wanted to die when I realized I left it there and you prob'ly saw it. You have no idea. In fact..." You stand up and transfer the journal to your throwing hand.

Joel grabs your arm and yanks you back down to your seat. "Don't toss it in the fire, Ellie."

"Why the fuck not?"

" 'Cause it's cute."

"It's not cute," you groan.

"Precious, then -- it's precious."

That's even worse than 'cute'! "What's the point? It's ruined now. I can't finish the story, I can't write down anything personal at all cuz you'll read it, I don't want anyone else to--"

"I am sorry I did that... that I violated your privacy like that. I shouldn't have."

He does sound a little sorrier now than before, at least. But whatever... he fucking READ it. It was meant for my eyes only! You watch Zack trying to drape a tattered tarp over the picture frame and... some kind of board that won't stand up for him, so he's having a hard time. "Look at Zack. He's like... trying to make a fort or something. I should go help him."

"We ain't gonna be here that long," Joel points out. "Are you ever gonna look at me again, or..."

"Nope. If you wanted me to keep looking at you, then you shouldn't have read my private writing."

"You're right. I'm sorry."

His apologies don't move you. They don't change anything! He read that story... which you felt proud of and happy about when you were writing it, but knowing that he laughed at it... that it's all a big joke to him... and why not? It IS pretty fucking ridiculous. It sounds really lame in the light of day, when he's reading it out loud, pointing out the oodles of mistakes.

Joel's playing with your hair now... and sort of massaging your neck... things he can do discreetly -- things Zack wouldn't even see if he did happen to look in your direction -- to try to soften you up toward him. It won't work, you vow.

"Ellie... I do love you."

...That won't work, either! "I know."

"I ain't so sure you do. The way you wrote... the way I was talkin'..."

You roll your eyes. "It's just a dumb story. It's not real."

"But you wish it was." He stands up and offers you his hand. "Come inside with me? Just to the kitchen area... I'll watch the kid through the window, an' all he'll see from where he's at is a reflection. He hasn't even looked back here once, but..."

I shouldn't. I should punish him for what he did. And yet you take his hand and rise, clutching the wretched journal in your other hand. I'm weak... I've barely kissed him for a whole day now, so I'm weak... Zack now appears to be making an obstacle course, with three tires so far... he's having fun and won't miss you.

Joel sort of leans you against the counter (so that he's facing the window), and he pulls you into a kiss... his arms are wrapped around you, one hand on your back and the other at the back of your head, but you clutch the journal to your chest with both arms, as if he's going to try to steal it. You do kiss him back, though...

And when he pulls back and looks you in the eye, you don't look away. The hand on your head moves around to your cheek and caresses it. "Maybe I don't say it enough, or show it enough..."

"What, that you love me? You do." You've never felt so loved before, and he thinks it's not enough?!

"Maybe not the way you want me to, though, hmm?"

"No, you do!" you insist, wondering where this is coming from. What more can he do or say? Other than the obvious... "I understand why we can't have sex. I told you, I'm fine with it. I can wait."

He kisses your nose. "The way you wrote me... some of the things I said..."

You groan. "Can we stop talking about that, please? I just want to forget it happened." No fucking chance of THAT happening, but forgetting it for five seconds would be nice!

He runs his hands up and down your arms... your back... nice, soothing gestures. Gestures that feel good (goddamnit). "I won't keep throwin' it in your face," he says. "But you wrote about... feelin' passion from me that you never did before..."

You're blushing again; at least now you can bury your face in his shirt. "Stooooop--"

He chuckles. "No, I was just wonderin'... I mean... I do feel that way about you. An' I'd like to show you, better... someday..."

Aww. You wrap your arms around him and let the book fall to the floor (you're like... closer to the floor than he is, so you should be able to defend it from a surprise attack if necessary... although he seems to be done teasing you now). "Joel, I just wrote that stuff cuz... I don't know what it feels like, so I don't know how to describe things right, and... I just figured... sex is like the ultimate thing, you know? So that means... I'll feel it more, somehow... does that make sense? It's not like I'm unhappy with... God, not at all."

He squeezes you. Kisses the top of your head. "Yes, that makes sense. I think you might be buildin' it up a bit too much in your head, but--"

"Only cuz you make it sound like such a huge deal!" You lift your head...

...and he gives you a quick kiss. "It is a big deal. It ain't the same thing as love, though."

"Uh... yeah it is. It's called making love."

He smiles. "That's right. Remember that the next time you wanna call it fuckin'."

"It's only 'fucking' if you don't love the person," you recite, although that doesn't really make sense to you. Why would you want to have sex with someone you don't love? Joel's tried to describe the difference between lust and love to you, but you still don't get it. You understand that there are various types of love, sure, but you've never wanted to get physical with someone you don't have those romantic feelings for. Joel seems to think that you will, that you're just too young... too new to all of this. Maybe there just aren't that many attractive people in Jackson. The only thing that might possibly be relatable is that you can find an actor or actress hot? But like... if they just showed up for some reason and wanted to fuck you, you'd be pretty creeped out by that. ...especially since they're all dead!

"You could say it's a lil' more... nuanced than that, but basically, yes. Now, as far as... me not sayin' enough nice things to you..."

"I never said you don't! Man, you're reading way too much into everything."

He nuzzles your neck, his breath and beard sort of tickling you pleasantly, making you shiver. "I do think you're sexy as hell."

You giggle. "Um... me, too. Think you are, I mean."

His lips brush your ear. "Glad we agree. The thing is... I ain't s'posed to feel that way about a--"

You cut him off with a groan. "I know, I know, you're vile and sick and a terrible person. In my... fantasy, if you want to call it that, you know better. Joel..." You bring your hands around to cup his face, your thumbs caressing his beard, and lift his head to give him a little kiss on the lips. "You're not any of those things, and you're never going to convince me that you are. Neither is anyone else. But you don't have to like... force yourself to say and do stuff that makes you feel bad. Whatever I wrote... it's not real... actually, some of it, when I was writing it? I even thought to myself, I would laugh my ass off if the real Joel actually said something like that to me."

He chuckles. "Which part? Maybe I'll say it the next time I wanna make you laugh."

"Nooooo. You are never to refer to that fucking thing ever again. Got it?" You fix him with your most threatening glare.

"Ohhh... that's a promise I ain't sure I can keep, so--"

You pinch his cheeks kind of hard. "Fuck you! You can totally do it -- what's so hard about not talking about something that you don't like talking about?"

"Who says I don't like talkin' about it?" he grins, taking your hands in his.

"Me! You! Since when have you--"

"Since now." He starts planting little kisses on your fingers. "Since my baby girl wrote a romance novel... it's adorable as hell."

"Okay -- sex, we can talk about. That stupid story? No."

He kisses you chastely, then steps back, letting go of your hands. "We'll talk about it more when we get home. We better get a move on now." He notices that he inadvertently stepped on the journal.

As he starts leaning down to pick it up, you swoop in there and snatch it from under his fingertips. "You're not going to read any--"

"I know I ain't. I was just gonna pick it up off the floor." He shakes his head, chuckling to himself. "Adorable as hell."

You don't chuck the wretched thing into the fire (mainly because Joel won't let you). But you're not going to risk keeping it around, either. When you go upstairs to fetch your backpack, you wedge the journal between the dresser and the wall, out of sight from all angles, thanks to the darkness of the corner, and the room in general. To find it, someone would either have to move that huge, heavy dresser (who would bother?) or just know to look back there. Maybe you'll tell Joel later that you destroyed it, and smirk at his disappointment.

And maybe you'll come back here someday to reread it, many years from now... without Joel... and have yourself a good laugh.



THE END



If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.

Comments

[spawn hades (from livejournal.com)]

That was a cute ending! I absolutely loved Joel Torturing Ellie. And that joke chapter/page with literally dying of embarrassment gave me the funnies, I won't lie.

Great job on this. :D

[luminations.livejournal.com]

This was one of my favorites to write :) Kinda gave me the giggles, too. I wish I could've jumped over to Joel while he was reading it, but alas, the format does have its limitations... at least he got to share some thoughts with us while torturing Ellie. *snicker*

Thank you!

Carlos

[(Anonymous)]

Ahhhh... finally I see another comment here, I was starting to think that no one read this part. The torture Joel give Ellie was fun and I can understand Ellie not going to touch that book after Joel read it. Will you feel embarrassed if your mom or dad read one of your stories, one with sex on it? I know I will.

anyway... this was really good and fun, so thank you.

Re: Carlos

[luminations.livejournal.com]

VERY embarrassed, they would be so grossed out! At least Joel wasn't. Maybe he found it HOT :)