CYOA Page 233
Sep. 10th, 2013 11:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12With the door shut, the walk-in closet is pitch black... just like your soul is about to be, if you lose Joel... which is probably what's happening right now. He's down there, thinking up ways to dump me. You hug your knees to your chest and lay on the floor beside some tattered, mismatched shoes in a pathetic little ball. ...or make that a BAWL.
Pfff. Even puns can't cheer you up now.
Since Joel can't hear you in here, you let it all out. Great heaving sobs, snot and tears running down your face and onto the shitty carpet. When the worst of it starts to subside, your miserable thoughts taunt you.
He's going to leave me. I KNOW he is. Just like everyone else. Only worse, because I'm SO IN LOVE with him and I can't live without him. But can I live WITH him and just not BE with him? Go back to how things used to be? Things were good before, but that was BEFORE. I didn't know what it felt like to kiss him before. Would he go find someone else? He might. He wants to have sex now, and feels like he can't have it with me, so he might. That Jade chick has a thing for him... yeah, maybe he'd give her a chance now. Joel and Jade, Jade and Joel... fuck, those sound good together. Both J's, both four letters... both one syllable... there's an 'e' in both of them too... Would he be so cruel as to bring her back to the house? To his bed? The bed I'VE been sharing with him for weeks now? What a fucking asshole!
I can't just-- no. I just can't. I'll have to leave. ...and go where? Somewhere in Jackson? Like with Tommy and Maria? They like me, they might let me live with them... but I'd still see Joel and skanky Jade around town. I'd have to pretend to be NORMAL with everyone, because they wouldn't know that Joel broke my heart. ...Do I WANT them to know? That makes it sound like it's his fault. Like he's the asshole, when really it's me. And I DID promise never to tell.
But FUCK that promise. Right? If you dump someone, you're like... breaking your promise to love them forever, so the dumpee should get to break promises, too. It's only fair. Maybe Jade would be grossed out by Joel then -- he seems to think the whole TOWN would be -- and she'd break his heart like he broke mine, even though their names go so perfectly together. And if it's like the movies, he'll come back to ME. Beg me to take him back. I'm supposed to tell him to fuck off then, but would I really do that? Could I be with him after he was with that whore?
If he says he still loves me, and I can tell he means it, then yeah. Yeah, I think I could.
-Of COURSE I could -- how is any of this going to happen anyway if I can't live without him? Didn't I die? WHERE in all of this would I die... I don't think I would actually just DIE, so I'd have to kill myself. Okay, so, going back to should I leave town or not -- I wouldn't even have to kill myself. I could just leave town with no weapons on me! I'd bring food though cuz I don't want to starve to death. That takes too long and starving is torture. Yeah... oh man, wouldn't Joel feel like SHIT if I did that -- he'd know that I didn't take my gun, at least... he wouldn't know where I went... there'd be nothing he could do. And then someone would find my body and he'd REALLY feel like shit. Or... maybe they wouldn't, and he'd just wonder for the rest of his life... "What happened to that girl Ellie I used to love?"
...yeah, FUCK, that's a flaw in the plan -- if he dumps me, it means he doesn't care anymore. DUH! So he wouldn't feel bad. Not really. Maybe in a "that's a shame" kind of way, but he wouldn't feel it in his HEART... he's kicking me OUT of his heart.
Wait, go back to Jade dumping his ass and him wanting me back... and by now I'm eighteen. A very old, wise, mature, fuckable WOMAN. We could get back together and none of this would be an issue anymore -- all of our problems would be GONE! We would be really happy! And he'd tell me he never really loved Jade, that he was just using her to make me jealous, or to piss me off, or to get over me. ...No, wait, the person who does the heart-breaking doesn't have to get over the other person. That doesn't make sense. Like, they're ALREADY over them. They've DECIDED. So, why would he even care enough to want to hurt me? ...Oh! I know! He's with Jade and they fuck and stuff and he tries not to think about me, but he can't help it. He realizes that it's just fucking, not making love (that's a big deal to him), and he can't make himself love her, cuz he actually still loves ME, he just didn't realize it. Yes!
So HE dumps HER and then comes back and begs me for forgiveness. I won't forgive him right away. He'll get a taste of the pain I've been living with every day for the past... year and a half, I guess? Cuz I have to be eighteen by now or it won't work. Maybe he'll feel like he has to make some grand gesture to win me back. Like... oh! Yes! He'll write me a SONG! And sing it to me in front of the whole TOWN! And they'd all be like "awwww"... and that would be a good time to forgive him cuz only the biggest bitch in the world WOULDN'T, after--
"Fuck!" The opening of the closet door startles the shit out of you, and that bright light-- "Don't shine that in here!"
The light drops to the floor right in front of him. "Didn't you hear me callin' you?"
...No, I was too busy writing a script for us for the next two years... You don't budge from your corner; you were at a good spot in your little fantasy, and him being here right now means you have to rewind all the way back to the part where he breaks your heart. "Go away," you grumble. You should want to get this part over with, but you don't -- you want to delay it as long as possible. Right now, we're still together, cuz he hasn't done it yet... he still loves me...
"I will if you really want me to... but I was hopin' we could talk."
TALK, my ass! Don't you mean BREAK UP, Joel? "I don't wanna talk to you," you mumble into the carpet.
"All right. ...Mind if I just sit with you then?"
"That's a trick," you tell the carpet.
"What?"
You think he heard you, but you turn your face toward him anyway; it's not like he can see it very well (and see how much you've been crying). "That's a trick... to get me to talk to you."
"No trick. I really will just sit." He switches off the light and takes a seat in the corner by the door. He left the door open, so you can see moonlight in the bedroom now... a stripe of it on the closet floor, too... but it doesn't reach the corners, so you're both in the dark. How long have I been in here? The sun was almost done setting when he left me.
You want to climb into his lap so bad -- but you don't move.
"Can I just say--"
"No!" You cut that shit off immediately.
"All right. Sorry."
What was he going to say? "Can I just say-- that I'm dumping your ass"--? That doesn't sound right. People don't do that... do they? I don't KNOW what people do... well, yeah I do. Maybe I haven't been dumped, per se, but I've been LEFT. He's clearly not doing the disappearing-with-no-explanation thing. First he'll probably tell me exactly how I fucked up, which I already know, and conclude with "This just ain't working out." Being Joel, he might try the "It's not you, it's me" thing, but I've learned that THAT is bullshit. Always. Even with Joel, who loves to blame himself for everything. Because things were just fine BEFORE, weren't they!
It strikes you as absurd, that he's just sitting there, waiting to break up with you. He probably already worked out how to do it, before coming to find you; he had the time. So what's he thinking about now? "I wonder if that slut Jade is still interested... too bad I wasted all this time with Ellie..." -Maybe he's not that far yet. He's probably thinking how awkward it will be to continue this mission now. So, what should he do -- send me home and finish it himself? Or go home and send ME to finish it? He won't want to be around me, but... to be fair, I don't think he would just... un-love me so much that he'd be okay ditching me completely while we're Outside. Then again, we've cleared the way this far, so it's reasonable to assume that going home, at least, would be safe.
He's not saying a fucking word now. He's just sitting there. Waiting.
It probably hasn't been that long, but now you're too fucking curious about his thoughts, so... "What are you thinking about?" you ask him -- and then you hold your breath, waiting for the answer you don't want to hear. Something along the lines of "I don't wanna hurt you, BUT."
"What am I thinkin' about? Uh..."
...Well, shit, maybe he HASN'T rehearsed this to death...
Continue to page 240.
Carlos
Date: 2021-02-17 05:05 am (UTC)RE: Carlos
Date: 2021-02-17 01:19 pm (UTC)