CYOA Page 243
Sep. 10th, 2013 06:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12You move farther away from Joel -- because he's not going to stop you from doing this. It's why God or the universe or whatever made you get infected -- it's your fucking destiny. "Kylie... mynameisEllieandI'mthegirlfromSaltLake," you say... all in a rush.
She looks confused. "What?"
"I'm the girl you were just talking about. I'm immune." You hear Joel muttering "Goddamnit" behind you -- but fuck him. This is your decision! "I didn't know all that... I swear I didn't know! But now that I do, I want to help you."
Mark comes over, suddenly interested in the conversation. "You're that girl? Son of a bitch. That must mean--" He looks at Joel, eyes widening...
"I'm the asshole that killed everyone," says Joel calmly. "Yes, that's exactly what it means."
Mark and Kylie are dead before they can even pull out their guns again; Joel fucking shot them. With the shotgun, which was still in its holster a couple seconds ago.
You watch in disbelief as they crumple before you, lifeless. What.The.FUCK. You crouch beside Kylie... as if there's anything you can do about her brains being splattered to smithereens.
"I'm sorry, Ellie," says the man who murdered them. "I had no choice."
You lift your gaze to Joel, who has re-holstered the gun and is just standing there, like... like nothing fucking happened just now? You're stunned by what he did... yet you can't be surprised. It's not like he never warned you. You forgot, just now, after hearing what Joel did... but he did explicitly warn you: "Don't ever tell anyone about your immunity. Especially people you care about. 'Cause if anyone knows, I'll have to kill them."
You always thought that was a bit extreme. You were all "whatever, Joel" about it at the time. Nope -- he was fucking serious!
You don't recognize this man. He's cold, calculating, ruthless... and he doesn't give a rat's ass about human life. He's slowly approaching you now...
You stand up and abruptly back away. "Don't," you warn him.
"You've got... blood on your face."
Kylie's blood. "Who gives a fuck? I've got... I've got blood on my hands. The blood of every person... that you killed..." Including these two. Especially these two!
"No. No you don't. Ellie--"
"Stay away from me!"
"They were gonna kill you. That's why I did it."
"What? We were just talking--"
"I mean in Salt Lake City. But these people would've killed you, too. I--"
"The only one killing anyone around here is you!" you scream at him.
Joel remains maddeningly calm, as usual. "I get that you're upset. But--"
"You get that I'm upset. Gee, thanks for that. Thanks for understanding that I'm a little freaked out right now at the thought of my fucking boyfriend killing so many good people-- innocents-- and Marlene. You killed Marlene! And you lied about it! All of it!"
"To protect you," Joel adds. As if that makes it okay!
"That's even worse, Joel... doing it for me? I can't... how can you... don't fucking touch me!" (He hasn't, yet, but he's close enough now that he's reaching for you.) You feel the tears streaming down your cheeks... but at least they're rage-tears, not sobby-tears.
"You know I'd do anything to keep you safe. Anyone threatens you, they--"
"They weren't threatening me!" You keep backing away from him. More rapidly, now...
"Ellie, careful. You're--"
--too close to the edge of the pit? Yeah, you realize that... just as you're about to fall into it, you turn and jump instead, barely evading capture as Joel lunges toward you.
"Are you all right?" Joel calls after you.
Fortunately, you didn't land funny and fuck up an ankle or anything. You're right next to one of the infected you torched just a little while ago... before. When you were still ignorant of Joel's... inhumanity. You look at the bulging dead eyes of the infected man beside you, his charred purplish skin... Joel's more of a monster than HE is. Because Joel knew what he was doing... these things are just like... following their programming. Joel KNEW.
And now he's fucking climbing down in there next to you, using the rope harness thing that his victims were going to use to extract the two bodies.
"What are you doing? I told you to stay away from me!" you snarl at him.
He lowers himself to the ground and turns to you. "You think I'm gonna just leave you in here?"
"Fine. Get me out, and then--"
"Not just yet. We need to talk."
"No we fucking don't -- I gave you every chance to talk before, and you didn't. You had over a year to fucking tell me what you did. You were never gonna tell me!"
"I just thought that I should... -You're right," he admits. "I wasn't gonna tell you. It was for your own good. Like I tried to tell you before -- there was no reason to tell you somethin' that's only gonna cause you pain."
"...Pain? What about... the death that you caused, last year... and right now... fuck, I'm a walking death sentence. I said don't touch me!"
He freezes in front of you, but doesn't back away, and he's too in-your-face for your liking.
You draw your gun. ...Did I really just pull a gun on Joel? Really? -Yes, you really did.
And he looks as surprised about it as you are. It does get him to take a fucking step back, though. "Ellie, quit playin' around."
"Who says I'm playing? If you're going to kill every Firefly... ex-Firefly... scientist... doctor... I'd be doing the world a favor, killing you."
He almost laughs, to your annoyance. But he sobers quickly... perhaps realizing you're not playing around. Your hands are trembling really bad, though. Your hands never tremble...
"Are you... afraid of me?" Joel asks.
Yes! I'm afraid of WHAT YOU ARE... that I don't even KNOW you...
"You are. You're afraid of me. I can feel it." He sounds... more hurt than incredulous now.
Well, so what if he's hurt. What about all the people HE hurt? Not just hurt but KILLED.
"I'm sorry I scared you up there," he says softly. Gently. Even though he's... the opposite of gentle... "But you gotta know... you do know -- you just said it a few minutes ago: I would never hurt you. Never."
Everything I knew a few minutes ago doesn't mean SHIT now-- "But you did! With all of this -- you did hurt me!" you blurt at him.
"I'm sorry about that, too... I didn' mean to... I would never harm you, physically... put the gun down, baby girl. Please."
"Don't baby girl me!"
"You ain't thinkin' straight right now. It's understandable. But you don't wanna shoot me." He takes a step toward you... then another...
You back up, but you're already at the dirt wall of the pit. "Stay back!"
He steps over the burnt corpse. "Please give me the gun."
GODDAMNIT... you can't do it. You can't shoot him. With the way you're shaking right now, you'd probably fucking miss, even though he's right in front of you!
He carefully plucks the gun out of your hand, and you don't resist. He sticks the thing somewhere behind him (in his jeans, probably?)... and visibly relaxes, which makes you suddenly realize how tense he was. He wasn't sure you wouldn't shoot him.
Shame floods over you. "Oh Joel, I'm sorry... I'm so sorry! I don't know what's wrong with me..." This time when he reaches for you, you fling your arms around his neck.
"It's all right," he soothes, holding you close, stroking your hair... as if he can still be nice, after... "You're in shock. I've got you..."
"But I... hate what you did," you mumble into his shirt.
"I know. You're a good person... in love with a bad one. I am... truly sorry for that."
He doesn't feel like a bad person; the arms engulfing you feel as warm and safe as they've ever been. And yet... "And I hate that you don't hate it. You just... accept it... and you keep fucking doing it!"
"It's called survivin'," he murmurs into your hair... and then he kisses your fucking temple.
How can he be so sweet when he's actually such a monster? It makes no sense.
"I won't apologize for that," he continues. "The people I killed... they were killers, too. Only they killed innocents."
"They were innocents!" you protest, pulling back to talk face to face -- so you can punctuate your angry words with scowls and deathglares.
"No." He cups your face in his hands, not shying away from eye contact; there's no part of him that seems to be ashamed of what he's done. "They chose to do what they do. To be what they are."
"What about Kylie? She was so nice to me, and you just--"
"She was friendly. Ain't the same thing as nice. Didn't you notice she was talkin' about 'that girl' -- you -- like you were a goddamn science project?"
"Because science is her thing!" ...WAS her thing... You keep searching his eyes. For regret... remorse... even just a trace of shame... You're not finding anything like that. "Don't you feel even the tiniest bit sorry?"
"No. Not when it comes to protectin' you. I love you." He brushes his lips across yours, just enough that his whiskers tickle you. "You do know that, don'tcha?"
You close your eyes and nod; you do know that. You just wish... that he had more normal ways of showing it than killing people? Yeah, something like that.
"Then why are you afraid," he whispers. His hand threads through your hair while the other one rubs your back... his beard feels scratchy against your cheek as he nuzzles you and kisses the side of your face, like your cheek... over by your ear...
And you can feel his heart beating against your chest. I'm afraid of how much I crave this... NEED this... how much I need him to touch me -- like THIS, not sexually... I need HIM. His love.
"I'm not... scared of you," you reassure him finally.
He kisses your eyebrow. "Then what are you scared of?"
Everything! ...Oh, fuck it-- "Everything. Basically."
"Everythin'? That's a lot of shit. Care to elaborate?"
"No." ...So why did you say it, then? Fine-- "Just... that everything's going to change now. I'm going to lose you..."
"You won't." He caresses your cheek, and you lean into the touch.
"I will... cuz I'll have to go find another Firefly, and let--"
"I won't let you do that," he cuts you off.
"But I have to." Now that you know the truth, what choice do you have?! You can't live with the guilt if you don't try. "I... can't make up for what happened, but I have to try -- I have to do something--"
"You did nothin' wrong. What I did... is debatable, but--"
"Debatable?" you scoff. "No -- it was wrong. And I'm responsible for it."
He cups your face again, stroking the sides of it with his thumbs. "Listen to me: You did nothin' wrong. You're blameless in all this."
"I'm not -- I'm the fucking reason you did it!"
"I'm still the one who did it. Not you. None of it is your fault."
"So... if it was some other girl. Any other girl. Some random... ten-year-old. You would've done the same thing?" You give him a challenging look.
"I don' know what I would've done. It didn't go down that way."
"I know -- you wouldn't have. You only did it because it was me." You blink back tears (of the sobby variety this time). "That... makes it..."
"My fault. Not yours." He kisses the tears right off your eyelashes.
"God, Joel -- how can you stand there and... calmly talk about massacring all those people -- and now two more -- and still be so gentle..."
"I hate seein' you upset," he says simply.
That's probably true... "That doesn't explain how you can do it."
"...I just love you. That's all."
You frown. "And I love you... but after what you did... how can I? What does that say about me, as a person, if I--"
"It says you love me unconditionally. Means it's the real deal."
"But I have to give you up. I can't--"
"No no no... ssshhh. Nothin' has to change."
"But it does. You're a liar, Joel," you say sadly. "I can't trust you. I can't believe a word you say, I can't listen to--"
"I've never lied when it comes to... my feelin's for you."
"That's a lie. You denied your feelings for ages."
He actually smiles a little. "I was lyin' to myself, though, so it don't count. I mean I've never lied... when I say I love you, or how special you are... you said you believe me still. You know how I feel."
"...But what does it matter if everything else is a lie? That's like... living in a dream world when we have to survive in the real world... I'm not explaining it right. Just... I can't stay with you. I can't even go back to Jackson, now that--"
"You are goin' back to Jackson," he says firmly.
"It's my choice. Not yours."
"You're a minor; it's my choice."
"We're not even related!"
"Don't have to be. We claimed each other as family a long time ago. When it comes to things like this, an adult needs to--"
You cut him off with a groan of frustration. "Then you're just as bad as the people you killed... people you see as bad, anyway. As far as me being a thing and not a person."
Joel knits his brow. "I don't follow."
"You're not taking my feelings into account. They don't matter to you."
He frowns. "I... get why you would say that. I do. But I'm operatin' under the assumption that... you don't wanna die. You wanna live. Is that right?"
"What I want doesn't really--"
"Do you want to live -- yes or no?"
"Yes. Of course. But--"
"All right then. My choices -- all of 'em, every single one -- are in line with yours. I want you to live, too. I may take extreme measures, at times, but... you an' I both want the same thing."
What? That's... SO not good justification for what he did, but... fuck, were they really going to kill me without even letting me choose for myself? Except... he's twisting things to make it sound like we're on the same page, and we're not! He didn't give me a choice, either, and... maybe I WOULD choose to die for them, if--
No. How could you choose to end your life? To leave Joel like that?
But how could you not, when you're the key to their cure, and there's already been so much bloodshed because of you? Not just Joel killing everyone -- but how many people have died or become infected in the past year-plus that could have been saved if only you'd done what you were supposed to do?
You close your eyes and lean into Joel's chest again, feeling weak and ashamed for even accepting comfort from him; after all, he is the problem. I have to give him up. I can't BE with someone who's so... cold and cruel and MURDEROUS -- I have to HATE him! How many more people will die if I stay with him? And isn't staying with him now -- now that I KNOW -- like a big old "fuck you" to the innocent people he killed?
But... how can he really be the monster you now know he is, and still so obviously love you? I can FEEL it, how much he loves me... do I have to reject that? Walk away from it like it's nothing? All I've wanted, my whole life, is to be loved... BUT... that doesn't give me an excuse to be so fucking WEAK. To NOT do the right thing.
Which is to leave him. Regardless of whether or not you try to help with a cure, you can't stay with this man.
...right?
"I don't know what I want," you confess. "I'm so fucking confused."
"I know, baby girl... I'm sorry." He sounds so sincere.
The honeyed words... the caresses... the love -- it's all lulling you into some kind of fucked up sense of... complacency.
"I'll help you sort it all out, I promise," Joel keeps soothing you. "We can talk about it more at home, all right? There's no need to rush into somethin' that you... can't get out of."
"...So you do agree it's my choice?" ...do I even fucking WANT it to be my choice? Because... doesn't that mean I need to choose to DIE? Maybe I still don't have a choice, even if it IS my choice? (...what?)
"I think it's somethin' we should discuss further. Far away from here. Okay?"
Yeahhhh... translation: "I'll never let you come back here, even if that IS what you decide you want. But if I tell you that now, I'll never get you to leave, so I'm gonna pretend that it's open for debate. Then I'll brainwash you on the way home so that by the time we get there, you will have put all this bullshit out of your mind, and do what I want you to. Then things can be the way they were before."
But right now... you're cool with that. There's a fog settling over your brain; you don't want to think about any of this anymore. You just want it to go away. And Joel wants to make it go away.
You pull back and look in his eyes; maybe you can't find everything there that you'd like to, but what you do see is... He's still Joel. -MY Joel. "Okay."
If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.
Carlos
Date: 2021-04-04 05:28 am (UTC)RE: Carlos
Date: 2021-04-04 06:00 am (UTC)RE: Carlos
Date: 2021-04-04 01:25 pm (UTC)Re: Carlos
Date: 2021-04-04 01:37 pm (UTC)