CYOA Page 246

[lumy12]

Page Two Hundred Forty-Six

"Thanks for telling me," you mumble to Kylie as you return to Joel.

"Sure thing, kid. Take care." And then, after you've started to walk away-- "Hey, I didn't catch your name?"

"It's Ashley," Joel answers for you. He tries to put his arm around your shoulders... so you pointedly move an arm's length away from him.

"Nice to meet you, Ashley!" she calls after you. You don't bother answering her.

Joel glances back over his shoulder at them. "I don't think she connected the dots... but we shouldn't stick around here too long."

...Is he seriously just going to pretend things are fucking NORMAL now?! Unbelievable. You may be calmly walking away with him, but you're still processing what you just learned... you don't know what you're supposed to do now. What you're supposed to think, or feel...

"I know you're angry with me," says Joel. "But she didn't tell you the whole truth."

Are you angry? Of course you are, but... usually when you're mad, you're yelling and stuff. Right now, you're just... well. Seething. Yes, you're angry. "And you're going to tell me the rest of it now?"

"Yes."

"Pfff." You've heard everything you need to know.

"What she left out is that they--"

"You lied to me," you interrupt him quietly. "Why should I believe another word you say?"

"I didn't lie. I just... left out some things," he hedges.

"Oh really? You told me the Fireflies stopped looking for a cure."

"And they did."

"No they didn't! You heard her, they--"

"She said they stopped lookin'. Whatever she's doin' now, it ain't for the Fireflies."

You stop and stare at him. "That's... Jesus, Joel, so you're telling me... that since they stopped that day only because you fucking killed them all--"

"Not all of 'em."

"--that means you didn't lie?!"

"That's right."

"What about Marlene? You told me she wasn't even there! And you-- you killed her? Why, Joel?"

He tries to touch you again, but you pull away. "Let's go somewhere else an' talk, all right?"

"Now you wanna talk."

"Yes. I'm sorry. ...I never wanted you to... feel the way you're feelin' now. That's why I couldn't tell you."

"You just didn't want me to hate you," you say accusingly.

"That, too," he admits, "but mostly I wanted to spare you the pain."

The two of you remain quiet all the way to the horses. You're about to mount yours when Joel stops you. "Let's just walk 'em over here. Into the woods."

"Sure, Joel. Whatever you say," you sneer. He's afraid I'll run off, you realize. And the feeling's probably justified; how are you supposed to sort through your thoughts and feelings with Joel feeding you more lies? And you're sure that's what he's about to do.

When you're secluded enough that Joel feels comfortable, he starts talking again. "There's somethin' else you need to know about that day... an' then whatever you wanna ask me, you can ask me. How's that sound?"

Your heart gives a painful little lurch. I love him so much... and when he's sweet, I can't stay mad at him... But you can't not be mad at him. Not after what you just learned. You try to keep your expression cool and stoic like Joel does on a regular basis. "Fine."

"Can we sit... over there, on that log?"

You march over there and plop down in the middle of the thing, then look at him expectantly. He sits too close, so you scoot down a bit, and he lets you be.

"When I pulled you out of that tunnel that day, you weren't breathin'," he begins. "So I start doin' CPR, an' this soldier comes up an' tells me to put my hands in the air. I can't, though, since I'm tryin' to save your life, so then he whacks me over the head... an' I black out."

"I see. Yeah, that's totally a good reason to kill everyone," you say coldly.

"I ain't finished. I wake up, an' Marlene's there. I ask her where you are, an' she tries to tell me it's none of my concern. That I'm free to go now. Job done."

You don't like the derisive tone you're hearing. "Well, she didn't know how close we got on the trip over. What was she supposed--"

"You don't gotta defend her." Joel snorts. "There's no defendin' her actions. I ask to see you, she tells me I can't. That you're bein' prepped for surgery. I remember this like it happened yesterday." He pauses a moment, probably fucking remembering. "She tells me they gotta extract it outta you. Out of your brain."

You wait for him to continue, but he's just looking at you now. "Okay... that Kylie chick basically said the same thing," you reply. "Something about my limbs and blood cells--"

"They were gonna kill you, Ellie," he says quietly. Angrily.

"No," you protest automatically. "Marlene would never hurt me. She promised my mother--"

"She was their leader -- it was under her orders. I'm sorry... I know you loved her... an' I do think part of her felt bad about it. But not bad enough to... not do it."

"That doesn't make sense! Why would they kill someone who... like Kylie said. They have to run tests. Experiment and stuff, right? Don't you think they'd need to keep me alive so they could... continue their work? Take more blood samples or whatever they need?"

"That ain't how they saw it. Apparently they only needed one shot to get what they needed from you an' then you were useless to them, once they got it. I've got recordin's that prove it, back home. Buried in the yard for safekeepin', but I know where they're at." Joel reaches for your hand but you back out of his reach altogether. "I know you always wanna believe the best in people--"

"Because people aren't as bad as you think!"

"These ones are. Marlene was. Even that lady back there... you hear what she called you? A 'perfect specimen.' Not a human being."

"Maybe she didn't know," you reason. "Maybe they just passed samples or whatever on to her, and she didn't know where they came from, how they got them... She didn't recognize us... she never saw us!"

"Whatever they're doin' now, experimentin' on infected... that's fine with me. Those things ain't people. They ain't... you."

You're starting to get angry again, so you need to avoid looking at Joel when he starts getting... tender. You stare at your shoelace. "So why didn't you just take me out of there? Why did you have to kill innocent people?"

Joel snorts. "They weren't innocent. None of 'em. They knew what was goin' on an' they either agreed with it or turned a blind eye to it. An' do you really think they were gonna let me waltz on outta there with you? Their perfect specimen? No. They tried to make me leave without you. I... refused."

You don't want to imagine how he 'refused.' "But... it wasn't you. It wasn't your decision to make!"

"I feel that it was. You're under eighteen, an' I'm the--"

"Oh, stop with that eighteen bullshit again! It was my decision."

"Did they give you the choice? Why couldn't they have let you recover from nearly drownin'-- woken you up an' asked what you wanted to do?"

That's a good question... that you can't answer.

"They couldn't do that 'cause they'd already made up their minds," Joel answers for you.
"About what they wanted."

"Just like you did!" You turn to scowl at him.

"That's right. Yes."

"Only they did what they did because they're trying to save the fucking human race! And you just did it because--"

You stop short, but he knows what you were going to say. "I did it out of selfishness. Is that what you think? Because I couldn't stand to lose you."

That's exactly what you think. Because he loved me... is there any other reason?! For the first time since Kylie told you the horrible truth, you feel hot tears pricking your eyeballs.

"That's part of it," he continues. "Of course it is. But it ain't just that. It's wrong, sacrificin' an innocent life -- a child -- just to further their research."

"They were making a vaccine, Joel! It's not like they didn't know what they were doing!"

"Oh, it's exactly like they didn' know what they were doin'. The tapes prove that, too. You weren't the first one, either. They were still a long way off from makin' their magic potion -- you were just a steppin' stone. One link in the chain. Another immune person to use an' dispose of, not the first an' not the last. Hell -- even if they did make somethin', it would be years an' years before it would be put to good use. There'd be... politics an' shit involved. I truly believe that the Cordyceps will be eradicated before anyone comes up with a usable cure."

"You believe." You snort. "What about me? You know I wanted to help the Fireflies. It's all I thought about doing for almost a whole year!"

"But you didn' know it would cost you your life," Joel says softly.

You're still not convinced he's telling the truth about that. Couldn't he have misinterpreted what Marlene said? What if they were just going to suck it out of your brain and send you on your way? "You should've told me. When I woke up. You could've at least given me the choice then. But instead, you drove us to Jackson."

"An' I don't regret that for one minute. Any of it. If I had to do it all over again, I'd do exactly the same thing."

"Even lying to me?"

"Even lyin' to you. I hated lyin', I really--"
"Then why did you!"

Joel sighs. "I had to. I couldn't put this on you. That's a heavy burden for a fourteen-year--"

"I was fifteen by then," you point out.

"Whatever. Way too young to bear a burden so big. You still are."

"What fucking burden? Knowing that... that my death would save the world? That's a good feeling." ...It doesn't feel too good right now, but...

"That's way too simplistic; I just told you why."

You're not listening to Joel and his lies anymore. You hop up from the log. "I'm gonna go turn myself in. Maybe they--"

"Like hell you are." Joel grabs your arm to stop you. Of course he does. "You can hate me for the rest of your life if you want to. But I ain't lettin' you do that. I made the decision that day, an' it's done now. It's on me. Not you."

You feel your face starting to crumple... and you don't resist when Joel pulls you into his arms. I'm so confused... why don't I hate him? You're still fighting the tears threatening to spill over at any moment.

"I love you, baby girl," he coos in your ear... as he strokes your hair... rubs your back...

"You can't," you sniffle. "I shouldn't even be here. I should be dead right now."

"No. You should be doin' exactly what you're doin' -- livin' your life, brightenin' the lives of everyone around you."

Finally, the sobs overtake you. Your fucking knees even buckle -- but Joel keeps hold of you, gently easing you to the ground, and he sits there with you, rocking you, soothing you, telling you it's okay when it's so fucking not okay.

And you let him. You fucking let him.

He looked you right in the eye and lied so convincingly... how can you ever believe anything he says now?

But he loves me. I can feel it. Right now, I can feel it. When your tears subside, you lift your head and kiss him softly. You don't know why you do it. He doesn't deserve your love. He killed all those innocent people! He killed Marlene... he doomed the world...

He strokes your cheek and smiles a little. "Thank you. Thank you for lettin' me--"

You pull back abruptly. "What am I doing?"

"You love me. I reckon you're feelin'... real conflicted, right now."

"I shouldn't love you. Not anymore." But you haven't backed completely away from him...

"Maybe you never should've loved me in the first place," Joel says... for some unfathomable reason. "But that ain't how it works. An' I can promise you this--"

"I don't wanna hear any more promises from you. Ever," you spit at him.

"Fair enough. I can tell you, then... no one could ever love you more than I do. Everythin' I did, I did out of love."

"You murdered people. Out of love? So-- so it's okay, then. No biggie."

"I didn't kill those two over there by the pit just now."

You snort. "You want a trophy for that?"

"I'm sayin' I only did what I had to. No more, no less."

"But... Marlene..."

"She never would've walked away. Never."

You think about this. And the other shit. No matter how you look at it... Joel traded countless lives for your one life. "So... you said I was too young. Too young to decide for myself if I want to die for this cause."

"Yes."

"You mentioned that magic fucking number eighteen."

"I did."

"That means... when I'm eighteen, I'm old enough to decide for myself."

Joel hesitates. "I still think that's--"

"You said there has to be a line drawn, and eighteen is where that line is, right? So if I'm suddenly an adult overnight on my eighteenth birthday -- it's magically okay for you to have sex with me then because I'm all grown up -- it means I'm old enough."

He doesn't answer.

"You're never gonna let me go," you answer for him. "I'll never be old enough. Right?"

"Eighteen is still so damn young. When you're older, if--"

"How much older?"

"I don' know... fifties, sixties."

You goggle at him. "Older than you are now?"

"Yes. When you're older than dirt, you can choose to kill yourself an' I won't raise any objections."

...because he'll be dead. He'll be dead by then! Angry and confused as you are, the mere thought of that sends a pain soaring through your heart, so sharp that you swear you can feel it. And you begin to empathize with Joel on that long-ago April day when he faced not just the thought of losing you, but the reality of it. Would you not have done the exact same thing he did if you were in his shoes?

"I'm... really confused right now, Joel," you tearfully admit.

"I know. An' I'm gonna help you through it." He pulls you closer...

...and again, you let him. You lay your head on his chest and relish the warmth of his arms around you. "You caused it... how can I let you help me through it?"

"Like this. By talkin' to me. Lettin' me... love you, like this."

Maybe I'll finally convince him to have sex with me now... like, we can make a deal. I don't sacrifice my life if he'll just fuck me. It's a win-win!

...Oh my GOD why am I even thinking that right now???

"I'm a horrible person," you confess, totally ashamed of your thoughts.

"No you ain't. You're the best person I know."

Ha! "Pfffff. Then you know a lot of shitty people."

"There's nothin' you can do about it now. What's done is done. It's out of your hands. I'm the one who took it out of your hands, so... if you need to blame someone, blame me."

You don't bother correcting Joel on the reasons you're a bad person; he's not even wrong, after all. "Oh, I do blame you. But that doesn't... excuse me from--"

"It does. And if I have to tell you that every day until you believe it, I will."

Shit... there's another reason I'm a bad person... "But I'm not exactly stuck with you. You joke about it sometimes, but... you also said I'm free to leave you, if I want."

He considers this for a moment. "I need to revise that now: you ain't free to leave me so you can go kill yourself."

"But I can break up with you. People break up."

"...Not for this. You can't break up with me to go kill yourself. You can't do anything that will make that okay."

"So... I have to break up with you because you killed my friend. And a million other people. For lying to me. Because I can't trust you anymore."

He's quiet... for too long. You're about to add to the list when he finally answers. "I'll know. In my heart, I'll know if you're just makin' excuses so you can go do what you feel is the right thing. Because I know it ain't right. Anyhow, you ain't allowed to break up with me, for any reason, at least 'til we get home."

...and far away from Kylie. From temptation. You blink back more tears. "I don't want to break up with you..."

"Good. It's settled then."

...but I might HAVE to. If it's the only way to get him to let me go. Maybe I'll even have to pretend I don't love him. Can I do that? God... I don't know. I don't think so. Like he said, he'll know.

But there's nothing you can do about it right now. It's been more than a year since that shit went down... you can at least wait the few days until you get home to act on this new information. Maybe by then, you'll be a little less confused.


THE END



If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.

Comments

Carlos

[(Anonymous)]

Oh, I see now here was the longer explanation on what happens. the end was a little sad, but is it was obvious that that was going to happens when she learn the true.

RE: Carlos

[luminations.livejournal.com]

He told her enough on the other one, she was just pretty freaked out after what he did :) I'm sure they talked more later. I liked to explore different outcomes when writing this story, obviously.... that was part of the fun. In regular fic you have to pick one thing and go with it, here I got to do it all!