CYOA Page 255
Sep. 10th, 2013 12:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12"...Ellie... what the hell...?!" He pulls away from you abruptly, scooting backward and yanking his leg out from beneath you... tucking his poor unsucked dick back in his boxers.
Shit! "Sorry... was I doing it wrong? Did I hurt you? I was trying to be gentle, but... I dunno... not like I've done this before... are my teeth supposed to scrape it or like... stay more out of the way? Um... sorry... I'll do better, if that's what... made you stop me? I'll do it however you want. Sorry!" ...and now he'll take me in his arms and smile and say "it's okay, baby girl. You were doing fine, I just freaked out because I can't let my baby girl suck my dick."
But he doesn't do any of that. He doesn't say a word. And usually he's quick to give reassurance when you seek it.
You sit there and watch him step into his jeans. Pull them up. Buckle his belt. Grab his undershirt, his shirt...
"Joel. Say something... please? Are you mad?"
He makes a little "tch" sound that tells you he is.
"Fuck... I'm sorry! Please don't be mad. You were already... I mean... I didn't make you hard. It was just... there. Like, poking out. So I thought... well..." You bite your lip, watching him nervously.
"I can't believe you did that to me," he says finally.
..."Did that to me"... like I did something bad?! Something hurtful and mean? "Did what? Tried to make you feel good? What's so bad about that?" you ask, bewildered.
"You really have to ask?"
"...Well, yeah... that's why I just did."
He shakes his head. Like... in disgust or something? He already has his boots on.
"Joel--"
"Get dressed."
"Can we--"
"Get dressed. Don't make me repeat myself." And he strides to the door.
You could run after him and catch him before he steps outside, but you don't think that's a wise move. You're better off doing what he said.
Confusing thoughts and feelings tumble through your mind while you dress yourself. I thought I was doing him a favor. I really did! Taking the choice away from him, so he can feel good guilt-free. Paying him back just a fraction of what I owe him for all the times he's done it for me. "I can't believe you did that to me"... what did I do? It's not like I assaulted him or something. And he's attracted to me, so he can't be grossed out... it's not like he woke up to find a STRANGER blowing him, right? Maybe it didn't feel that good because I wasn't doing it right... but my heart was in the right place. He KNOWS that. And he knows I'll gladly take his direction to improve!
Fully dressed, minus your shoes, you plop down on one of the couches and curl up in a corner of it, trying to puzzle it out. You know the only reason he won't have sex with you is because he thinks you're too young. It's not like he's ~not ready~ because he's afraid of it or something, the way a virgin might be? The way he seems to think I feel, but I don't. I've TOLD him I'm ready. Okay, um... if I felt like Joel does... If you were afraid or hesitant or whatever, and Joel was pushy anyway, how would you feel? It's hard for you to imagine, because you're not -- you trust that he won't hurt you. He definitely wouldn't do it on purpose. And Joel's NOT a virgin -- he WANTS me. He loves me. ... ...right? He was pretty pissed off... what if he stops loving me because of this?
You're blinking back tears when he comes back inside. You don't look at him. You can't -- you're afraid of what you'll see in his expression. Hugging your knees to your chest, you gaze into the fire-less fireplace.
He sits next to you. ...That's a good sign, right? He must not totally hate me... should I keep apologizing? Even though I don't know what I did that's so horrible? Neither of you says anything for a few awkward moments.
I can't stand it! Start with a safe question... "Do you hate me now?" you ask him quietly, keeping your gaze fixed on the fireplace. At least I THINK it's a safe--
"No." ...And he doesn't elaborate.
Okay... not overly reassuring, but a good answer... "Was I doing it wrong?" you venture.
Joel sighs. "I don't even know what to say. Do you understand... why I'm upset with you?"
...Is that a trick question? "No, not really," you answer honestly. "I thought you'd like it." You notice he didn't answer your question.
"Have I... not made myself clear on this? How many times have I said no to you?"
"Which is why I thought this would be perfect," you explain. "Cuz you wouldn't have to say no. You could just enjoy it."
"Of course I had to say no. ...Did you think I'd sleep through it or somethin'?"
"No... just that you'd... uh... notice it too late to do anything about it?" you mumble. It sounds sort of stupid now, saying it out loud; it made more sense in your head.
"So you decided to... take advantage of the situation. ...of me."
"That makes it sound bad. I just wanted to--"
"That's 'cause it was bad. You jus' said it: you were doin' what you wanted. Not what I wanted."
You finally glance at him... and he's staring into the fire-less fireplace, too. "But I wasn't-- I was doing it for you. I was trying not to be selfish for once. I thought that-- I mean... you love me, right? You love kissing me and... fooling around and stuff... I thought you'd like... that. What's so wrong with wanting to make you feel good? To make you happy?"
"You're underage. I don't... wanna take advantage of you, for my own... That's just... that ain't why I'm with you."
You twist around so that you're facing him. "But you just said I took advantage of you! So you can't feel like you're taking advantage of me now. That's the whole point! That's why I did it!"
He thinks about that, and you wonder if you're finally getting through to him -- but when he finally replies, he makes it clear that you're not: "I'm the adult. I'm responsible for you. What it boils down to is... I created this situation. I thought--"
"Wait wait wait. I know you like to make everything your fault, Joel, but it's not. I'm old enough to make my own choices. You're acting like I'm eight years old or something." BUT-- now you have hope for a quick reconciliation! As much as you don't like Joel beating himself up over stupid, STUPID shit like this, the good thing about it is he won't stay mad at you if he feels like you're not to blame!
"You're still real young. Innocent. Or inexperienced, if you don't like that word." He knows you don't! "And I have been takin' advantage of you. I thought there was no harm in... makin' you feel good. Like that. The way I've been doin'. But all I did was make you feel like you owe me somethin' for it, which--"
"No! No I don't! I swear, that's not--"
"You jus' said you were tired of feelin' selfish. I should've realized that what I--"
"No-- you're twisting it all around! I'm not tired of anything--" You lean forward excitedly and put your hand on his knee, but that makes him scoot a little farther away from you, so you withdraw it. "Sorry... God, you don't even want me to touch you now? Like at all?" It's not like you're going to reach over and start jerking him off, for fuck's sake!
He doesn't answer that (not directly, anyway...). "I think we need to... walk it back some. Things are movin' too fast."
...Shit shit SHIT-- "Too fast? What... Joel, if you mean that... -What do you mean? Walk it back how?"
"I need to... treat you more respectfully. No... gettin' naked... touchin' you... none of that. How can I expect you to do that for me when I don't do it for you?"
Your brain is really spinning now. "Do what for me? I want you to... do all that stuff. What the fuck are you talking about? You treat me... so good. Better than anyone in my whole life."
He closes his eyes and runs his hand through his hair, "tch"ing again. "That makes it even worse. What I'm doin' to you."
"You're not doing anything to me!" Ugh, he's infuriating! ...unless... OH GOD... "Wait. Do you mean... what you're doing right now? Are you--" You swallow a sudden lump in your throat. "What are you saying? You think we shouldn't... that we can't..." Your voice cracks. You can't fucking say it!
"No."
...no WHAT? That's what you get for not being clear! "No, you're not saying we can't be together? Or no we can't be..."
"No."
...the fuck? You see he's hiding a smile, though, so you think the second 'no' was purposely meant to fuck with you, if not the first. "Joel..."
"Come here."
You scoot towards him tentatively, still not sure of his intentions -- even when he gathers you in his arms. Is he trying to let me down easy or something?
"I love you," he says -- and he kisses your temple!
You start to relax a little. "I love you. So you're not..."
"Dumpin' you? No. But I think maybe we should... reevaluate certain--"
"Joel, I'm sorry!" you blurt out earnestly, lifting your head to look him in the eye. "Nothing has to change -- I made a mistake. I swear I'll never do it again. I didn't know it would bother you so much! But now I know! You believe me, right?" The way he's looking at you, though... you're not so sure he does!
"I believe... you're sorry that things didn't go the way you want."
"Well... yeah, but--"
"An' the first chance you get, you're gonna try to... tell me the errors of my ways."
...huh? "I'll do whatever you want. Anything. I'll follow all the rules... whatever you need me to do."
"Mm. I've heard that before."
"I fucked up -- please don't punish me for it -- I'm sorry --"
"It ain't about... punishment, or... layin' down the law... comin' up with a buncha rules for you to follow."
"...Then what is it about?"
"Talkin' things through. Comin' up with somethin' that works for both of us. Respectin' boundaries. And... me not confusin' you any more than I already have, bein' a damn hypocrite."
"You're not a hypocrite. And I'm not confused," you lie -- although you're not lying about the hypocrite thing; you don't even know what he means by that. "I'm serious -- I'll do whatever you want me to do. I love you so much... I can't lose you."
"You won't. We'll talk about it more at home, all right? For now--"
"So you're not mad at me?"
He hesitates.
Shit! "I'm sorry -- I'll keep apologizing as long as--"
"No no no... stop. I don' need your apologies. I ain't mad, so much as... disappointed, I s'pose. I know you an' I... ain't exactly on the same page, when it comes to sex, but--"
"Same page? We're not even in the same fucking book," you interject. Because you can't help it.
"Be that as it may, I trusted you to... not..." He frowns, like he's trying to conjure up the right words.
You wince at the word 'trusted' -- past tense. "I broke your trust. I'm soooooooo sorry -- I really wasn't thinking of it like that, but I should have, and I'm sorry. What can I do to make you trust me again?"
He chuckles. "You can stop apologizin'. I just told you you don' need to."
"Sorry. -And that was me apologizing for the apologizing, so it doesn't count!"
That makes him smile. "I do trust you."
"You do?"
"Mmhmm. I believe it was a... lack of good judgment. A mistake that you won't make again."
"I won't! I swear! Thank you thank you thank you --" He looks a lot happier now than he did a little while ago... maybe everything will be okay... "I won't disappoint you again, I promise!"
"All right. For my part... I'll do better at... doin' right by you."
You don't know what the fuck he means by that, but it sounds like one of those romantic notions he likes to believe... that you'll have to dissuade him of later (now certainly isn't the time). "Can I still kiss you?" you ask hopefully.
He answers by kissing you gently. "It would be... real hard for me to give that up."
"Thank God." You nuzzle his neck, smiling in relief; this could have gone so much worse. If he wants to dial things back a little, you can live with that. What you can't live without is... this. Being in his arms. Feeling his love for you. Seeing it in his eyes.
And yet... you can't help wondering: if you'd been a little better at it, would he not have been able to stop you? Or were those boys just full of shit? You'll never know, because you're certainly never going to do that again. The next time you take his dick in your mouth, it will be because he invited you to. Or at least consented to it. ...THAT'S what he's most upset about! That's the most important thing. It's not my place to decide if his reasons for refusing to do shit are VALID or not -- if he says no, the 'no' is all that matters. You feel like it's very mature of you to look at it that way.
He wants to get going now and finish your mission, but he did say you could talk about it more at home (and you suspect it could come up before then -- like tonight). You're excited to tell him what you just realized... and maybe he'll say he blew it all out of proportion, and nothing needs to change between you, and you'll just be that much closer after all this. You've certainly learned your lesson!
If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.
Carlos
Date: 2021-05-26 01:34 pm (UTC)RE: Carlos
Date: 2021-05-26 02:24 pm (UTC)