lumy12

Page Two Hundred Fifty-Six

You did it kind of sneakily. You let yourself get a fair distance behind Joel, which he didn't find odd, given that the two of you aren't speaking to each other at all, and then you slyly turned your horse around (but not all the way around) and started heading into the woods. It takes him like a minute to notice. When you hear him call "Ellie!" ...that's when you take off at a gallop. The trees are spaced-out enough here that the horse can maneuver through them at a fast clip.

You can't decide if you want him to catch up to you or not. But it feels fucking good to move so fast in another direction, away from him. To feel the wind on your face, whipping through your hair (which you didn't even tie back at all today)... carrying away the hot, angry tears before they can roll down your cheeks.

You reach a wide open area, and he's sure to at least catch a glimpse of you if you keep going this direction. You know he's hot on your trail because you keep hearing him calling your name. Oh well... he's going to see me no matter which way I go out here...

And you can't really run away from him. You're just... so afraid of what his silence means... of where the anger's coming from...

You slow down when you reach the tree line on the other side of the field, and you're certain that he saw where you went: you're heading for a house you just spotted, nestled in the woods, all by itself. ...just like old times?

You hitch the horse to the porch, so if Joel somehow lost you, he'll find you again soon enough. You're grateful that the front door of the house opens easily. You fly up the stairs... into a bedroom... not the master. A smaller one. There's a bed in it, but you plop your ass in the corner, depositing your backpack next to you.

"Ellie?" you hear just a few minutes later. "Ellie, I know you're in here."

...That's right, asshole, so you can just fucking find me yourself, you think nastily. You hate that you just thought of Joel as an asshole. He's not! Not usually. You don't understand why he's being one today.

You hear his footsteps in the hallway, and bury your face in your knees so you don't have to see him scowling at you. However, it doesn't save you from feeling his eyes boring into you when he pauses in the doorway. He comes inside... and closes the door behind him. Like you might try to run away from him or something.

He perches on the edge of the bed and just looks at you for a moment. "Ellie..."

"I'm not talking to you," you mumble into your sleeve. ... Ugh... Did that sound as immature as I think it did?

"That's fine. I'll do the talkin'. I... owe you an apology. Several, in fact. ...I don't even know where to begin."

...He's not even going to yell at me for running away like that? Lecture me about how dangerous it is to be so reckless Outside? You can barely register the fact that he's not mad about that, let alone... did he just apologize?!

"What I did... what I've done, to you... is unforgivable."

...Um... I wouldn't go THAT far...?? You lift your head out of your knees enough to rest your chin on your forearm, but don't quite look at him. "That's... a bit much, don't you think?"

"No it ain't. I never should've... I'm so much older than you. Not just a few years, which would still be too old for you -- I am three times as old as you."

...You don't think you like where this is going.

"So?" you squeak, hardly daring to prompt any further thoughts in this vein. I don't think he's talking about being a total dick this morning...

"So, I entered a relationship... a sexual relationship... with a child. I'm s'posed to protect you from predators, not... become one myself."

You sit up straighter. "I'm not a child. A child is... an eight-year-old. I'm twice that -- I'M SIXTEEN."

"It don' matter. You're still a kid."

"It fucking does matter. You can't tell me that being with me is the same as being with an eight-year-old! I'm... ready for a sexual relationship. It's what I want. With you."

"You only believe that 'cause I've messed you up so bad. You think it's what you--"

"Hold on -- no no no. You haven't messed me up. At all. You've given me everything. Everything I could ever want. Joel--" You start to get to your feet, but he holds his hand up, and you freeze.

"Don't... come over here. Please. What we've been doin'... it has to stop."

Now you're really starting to worry -- bordering on freaking the fuck out. "What do you mean? Like... this morning? That was totally my fault. You were asleep! I--"

"Not just this mornin'. This mornin' happened as a result of all the other shit. Which still ain't no excuse... I cannot believe I did that."

You hear the loathing in his voice, the disgust... and you think you're beginning to understand. Joel doesn't hate you; he hates himself. "Hey -- you didn't do it. I did."

"You did it because it's what I trained you to do. By doin'... sexual stuff with you, I was showin' you that it's--"

"Whoa whoa whoa -- you trained me? You've told me a million times you don't want me to do things like that to you--"

"But you did it anyway. I've been groomin' you to... I got you here."

"Grooming me? What the fuck does that even mean?"

"Means I'm a... ..." He shakes his head. "I can't even say it. I didn't wanna believe it, but... I was lyin' to myself. I am... so sorry... I know you don't understand, an' that makes it even worse, what I--"

"Damn right I don't understand!" You rise to your feet. "Joel, you're really scaring me. You--"

"I mean it -- do not come over here."

You stare at him, dumbfounded. "Do you think I'm gonna molest you or something? ...molest you again, I should say... I just wanna sit next to you."

"No. That's how it all started. We got real... comfortable with each other. It escalated... kept gettin' worse an' worse, 'til now, when I--"

"What are you talking about? 'Worse and worse'? We love each other!"

"No."

... ... ... "...No? We don't love each other?"

"What this is... is sick. It ain't love."

You can't fucking believe the words that are coming out of his mouth. "How can you say that? I do love you, and I know you love me--"

"I don't. If I did, things never would've gotten this far."

WHAT. This... can't be real. "Joel... if you're fucking with me, it's really mean, and it's really starting to freak me out, so can you please--"

"I ain't fuckin' with you. Not anymore. Been doin' it far too long."

You feel the tears welling up... how could you not cry, if he's serious?! You don't even try to hold them back. And fuck this "don't come over here" crap. You march straight to the bed and start to climb into his lap.

"No, Ellie." He pushes you aside. Not hard or anything... but it still hurts. Worse than any physical pain could.

He stands up. You keep trying to grab his arm, and he keeps shaking you off and moving out of your reach.

"You're leaving me?" you cry. "Because I gave you a blow job?"

He scowls at you. "Because I'm a goddamn pervert! That's why."

"Joel--"

"I'm a pedophile. A child toucher. A sick--"

"Stop it! You're none of those things--"

"I am. I really wanted to wait until we got home... this ain't the time, or the place... but when you took off like that... I reckoned I owed you an explanation."

Your mind is spinning, searching desperately for something to hold on to, to keep you afloat here-- "Yes -- we can talk about it at home. Until then, nothing needs to change between us. We can still--"

He cuts you off with a mirthless laugh that doesn't even sound like him. "Everythin' needs to change. Every goddamn thing."

"What... what do you mean?" you hardly dare to ask him. His eyes... they have a glazed-over look to them that is scaring the shit out of you.

"When we get home, you're goin' to live with Tommy'n'Maria," he says -- he says so fucking calmly.

..."WHAT?!"

Your shock and outrage don't faze him one bit. "Tommy's a good man. He would never treat you the way--"

"You're a good man!" You lunge for him, desperate to hug him, to kiss some sense into him--

He just calmly keeps pushing you back. "No. I thought so too, for a while. I mean I thought I was tryin' to change. I wanted to. For you. I wanted to be... the man you saw, when you looked at me. I wanted to be that guy."

"You are that guy!"

"I almost was. An' then I... got involved with you, inappropriately, an' all that flew right out the window."

Jesus fucking CHRIST-- okay... okay. Stay calm, Ellie. You just have to find a way to get through to him. This shit has been flying around in his head all day, and he just needs a dose of reality. "Joel... you're just confused. That's all. When we get home--"

"It can't wait 'til we get home. That's... three more nights from now, best case scenario. Three more nights of... well, we can't sleep together, so I guess--"

"I won't touch you -- I won't ever do that again, I fucking swear to God--"

He shakes his head. "It's no use. We can't... do this, anymore. It's sick an' wrong an' I--"

"Stop saying that!" you wail. "I can't... lose you, Joel... you can't leave me!"

His maddeningly stoic expression finally wavers a little... but doesn't crack. Your pleas and tears have startling little effect on him. Maybe he really DOESN'T love me anymore?!

"Trust me -- you'll be better off in the end," he says flatly.

"...Trust you? I do trust you. And then you... do this?!"

"That's why you'll be better off."

The coldness in his voice... it freezes your heart into something dense and numb. Time seems to slow down, somehow...

...He's fucking serious. He doesn't care how I feel about it -- he's really leaving me. Fuck your heart -- you need your brain right now. You have to do something! Anything you can think of to throw a monkey wrench (as Joel himself would say) into this carefully-crafted plan he's been hatching for hours without your knowledge or consent.

...Two can play THAT game, too...

You know what you have to do. You back away from him... back toward your corner. "I'll never be better off without you," you tell him coolly. "Never. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Joel."

Okay, here goes...

You take a shaky breath. "And I can't live without you. So..." You swiftly pull your 9-millimeter out of its holster, cock it, and hold it to your temple.

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