"Singularity" Chapter 27: "Object Permanence" [27/49]

[lumy12]

Title: "Singularity" Chapter 27: "Object Permanence" [27/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 9,734
Rating (for fic as a whole): R

~


Ellie had been so busy reassuring Joel she'd be fine going to the farm on her own, scoffing at the ridiculous(yet adorable)ness of him being kind of a worrywart about it, making sure she had her guns and knife -- as if she might actually need them -- that she was completely taken by surprise when the fear hit her. Irrational fear, at that. Not even thirty seconds after parting ways, her brain started screaming stupid shit at her -- that she should turn around, that Joel might not be there when she got back, that something Very Bad was going to happen to one of them. She wondered if such insanity was currently plaguing Joel as well. I'm sorry I teased you about it, Joel... if this is payback...

No, it couldn't be. As much as it felt like it sometimes, Joel couldn't actually get inside her head and plant thoughts and feelings in there. It's karma! That's what it is!

Naturally, the thought of karma brought Karma to mind, and she thought about how brave that little girl was. She was half Ellie's age and didn't freak out about being away from her dad, all alone -- and Outside, no less.

So Ellie talked back to her paranoid brain: Joel WILL be there, and nothing bad is going to happen, so shut the fuck up and just enjoy being home again! You're going to the fucking FARM, for fuck's sake!

That seemed to do the trick. Ellie picked up the pace, eager to see her best friend Annie again, and possibly some of the animals, although it was late enough now that it would be better to see them in the morning. She couldn't wait to see the look on Annie's face when she strolled through the-- well, no, that would be rude, since they weren't expecting her. She would have to knock. Who would answer the door? Probably not Annie if she was up in her room listening to records or something (Ellie was quite jealous that she had a legit working record player in her room!). Ellie had lingered long enough at Tommy and Maria's, helping with the cleanup and then playing with -- or staring at -- the baby that Annie and her family were probably done with dinner by now. They might eat a little later in summertime, but it wasn't summer yet. If they were at one of the other farms, they might stay and socialize a bit... the twins must be eleven by now... I wonder if Jess will finally admit she has a thing for Clicker... eleven isn't too young for thirteen, I don't think?

Except -- if it's true?! -- Clicker has a girlfriend now! Little Alyssa, who was around the same age as him. Not that Ellie doubted her source of this strange information, but... it was just kind of hard for her to imagine. She was happy for him. Really. ...No, REALLY -- I AM happy, damnit! Even if Joel thought she was jealous. That was ridiculous! And Joel knew better than anyone why it was ridiculous. That hadn't stopped him from teasing her when Tommy told them, though:

"Don't worry -- you'll always be his first love."

"Seriously, Joel? I'm not WORRIED."

"I beg your pardon. Poor word choice. Don't... be jealous? Yeah, that's prob'ly--"

"Why the fuck would I be jealous?!"

"Ain't it obvious? You're used to him followin' you around like a little puppy waitin' for you to toss him a bone."

Then Tommy had joined in. "Not even a whole bone -- just scraps. ANYthing."

"He wasn't doing that! ...And even if he was, you think I LIKE that?"

"Yes." "Yep!"

"But I-- How can you-- uggghhhh, fuck you guys! What do YOU think, Maria? Don't you think I want my FRIEND to be happy?"

"Well... ..."

"What do you mean 'WELL'?!"

"I mean... of course you want that. But... I think it's normal to feel flattered, when someone has a crush on you. It makes you feel good about yourself."

"I feel good enough about myself already -- I don't NEED him or anyone else to have a crush on me!"

"That's good, kiddo. I think what Maria's sayin' is... you like the attention. Makes you feel special. Now that he has someone else to pay attention to..."

"That's fine! That's FANTASTIC! I don't WANT him following me around all the time."

"Thought you said he wasn't doin' that. Now you're sayin'--"

"Well-- if he was! Fuck -- it's not like we're really good friends anyways. He's sooooo much younger than me. We have like... NOTHING in common."

"...Uh-huh." And all three of them had exchanged amused glances, much to her annoyance.

"It's true. I don't even play video games anymore."

"Only 'cause we've been away for six months."

"Seven! But, no -- I'm just over it. That's kid stuff."

Tommy wasn't buying that. "Oh, now, Ellie, you know that ain't true. Half the time, if not more, those consoles are bein' used by adults. Some of the new folks are tryin' 'em out, too... they never played before in their lives, and some of 'em love it. We're s'posed to be gettin' more, as a matter of fact. Even a PS4."

"...What? The one that never came out? Really??"

"Apparently they were close enough to launchin' that there were plenty of 'em made... people just couldn't buy 'em yet. They had to push back the release date with all the--"

"And we're getting one? Like... with games and everything?!"

"It better have games. Otherwise, what's the point? Don't get your hopes up, though, 'til we see how well it works. Might be some kinks to work out."

Then Joel had smirked at her. "You seem awfully interested for someone who's... ~over all that kid stuff.~"

She loved Joel with all her heart, but there were times he annoyed her so much that she just wanted to smack him.

Clicker could have ten girlfriends, for all she cared. She was more concerned about Annie reuniting with that asshole Jacob. When Ellie had asked, Tommy and Maria said they didn't think that was the case, but what if they just didn't know? Maybe Jacob had convinced Annie to keep it a secret... so he could fuck all the girls in town that he wanted while Annie was at home? The farms -- other than the new one, of course -- were within the town's walls, but far enough away that Annie wasn't popping in and out of town all the time. Most days, she was content to stay home. He could totally have a girlfriend in town and also down on the farm.

The sun had nearly set by the time Ellie got to the stables. Whoever was looking after the horses was done for the day, so she had to get Fox settled herself. A drink from the trough, a quick rub-down after removing all the tack... and a flashlight-lit tour/introduction to the other horses in residence. Some of whom seemed happy to see Ellie, eager to nuzzle her hand... others of whom she didn't recognize -- including a few foals! Awww, cute, there's babies everywhere in this town! Alas, no Spirit. She already knew he wasn't here -- Tommy and Maria certainly would have told her if he was, especially after she and Joel explained what had happened -- but... maybe a tiny part of her had been hoping they were saving that as a surprise for her or something. Nope!

She didn't linger too long in the stables; she would look forward to coming back for rides again, starting tomorrow. Riding for pleasure was way better than riding as transportation (especially Outside transportation). She hurried up to the porch... and was tempted to go in the back door as she often did when she was working, but... she still felt like she needed to announce herself, and knocking at the back door would be weird. The porch ran all the way around the house. Wiping her sweaty palms on her jeans, she headed around front, careful to duck under the windows for fear of being seen. Okay, maybe 'fear' is too strong a word for it, this time... but why am I suddenly nervous?

Ellie must have stood there with her hand poised to ring the bell for a good minute or two before working up the courage to announce her presence. It was possible that word of her return had already reached them (enough people milling around in the street or on their porches on her way down seemed to already be aware), but she didn't think so, since afternoon shift would have started before they'd even set foot in town, and there wasn't much reason for anyone to go down there other than-- well, she supposed they could need to return a horse or something. The milk cart would've been back already since they only went out in the mornings... unless that's changed, too... who knows?

Fuck this-- Ellie rapped loudly on the door. She also rang the bell, in case someone had fixed it over the winter -- but no, it still seemed to be dead... and she felt oddly comforted by that. ...Okay, no one's answering... maybe I should just go... no, don't be stupid! You only just barely-- SHIT, I hear someone coming!

The porch light switched on and the door swung open. "Ellie!" Esther gasped in surprise. "Oh my God -- wow! -- come in, come in! It's so good to see you! Wow!"

Ellie smiled, stupidly relieved to not have the door slammed in her face or something else ridiculous like that, and let the woman pull her inside and into a fierce hug. "You, too! How are you guys doing?" Oh man, it smells good in here--

"We're good, we're good! What about you?" Esther released her and stepped back like she wanted to get a better look and make sure she was all in one piece or something. And then she was looking past Ellie -- no doubt expecting to see Joel.

"Joel's not with me -- but he's fine! We're both fine. He's with Tommy. We just had dinner over there." Would it be rude to ask for a piece of that awesome-smelling pie? ...Yeah, I guess I can wait for her to offer... Ellie's mouth was watering, despite the fact that she was still pretty full from dinner. "Also -- Sophie's fine too, yes we found Alex, and no, neither of them came back with us."

Esther chuckled. "Sounds like you've got that track on repeat already. I can't believe you're really here. Just-- wow it's so good to see you!" She hugged Ellie again.

Ellie laughed. "Told you we'd come back!"

"Yes, yes, everyone says that. You just never know. And after everyone who vanished over the winter..."

"What?"

Esther pulled back again. "Oh! Oh, I figured they would've told you. No matter -- it wasn't anyone from your crowd. Speaking of, I'm sure you're dying to see Annie!"

"Kinda, yeah." Ellie cared more about some of the older people in town than members of her 'crowd,' but she didn't want to grill Esther at the moment; she was too eager to see her friend, and hearing bad news right now would sour their reunion, if not spoil it altogether. She could stuff that morsel of information into some box in her brain to be opened at a later time. "Is she up in her room?"

"She's in the back room, actually. We finally found a good use for it!" Esther started to lead the way to said room.

Ellie shrugged out of her backpack and deposited it along the way. "You did? What's that?"

"You'll see," Esther replied mysteriously. "Oh I can't wait to see the look on her face when she sees you're back!"

"Who are you talking to, Mom?" called a voice from the back room.

Annieeeeeeee! "I got this," she whispered to Esther, putting her hand on the woman's arm to stop her before getting close enough for Annie to see through the entranceway. Then she crept past her, up to the wall.

"Mom? Who's here?"

Ellie felt giddy enough to giggle, especially after exchanging a wicked look with Esther. She waited another couple seconds to really build the suspense, and then--

"Surprise!" she yelled as she leaped into the doorway with a huge grin on her face.

"Ellie?!?! Omigod!" Annie shrieked and scrambled to her feet, scattering some... sewing paraphernalia? Ellie didn't look very closely at that -- she was too distracted by the other girl in the room, seated right beside Annie. A girl she'd never seen before.

She tried not to stare as Annie practically jumped on her, squeezing her just as hard as Esther had. "Hiiiiiiii," Ellie laughed -- although she didn't especially feel like laughing now.

After a bit of excited babble -- and Ellie reciting her 'track on repeat' -- Annie finally seemed to remember that introductions were in order. She marched Ellie over to the couch. "Ellie, this is Meredith. Meredith, meet Ellie! At last!"

The girl looked up at her, making no move to stand up or set aside the fabric in her lap... the needle in her hand. But she did smile. "The famous Ellie. Nice to meet you! Glad you made it back okay!"

Ellie wondered how she could be glad when she didn't even know her. She also wondered how fake that smile was... because it seemed pretty sincere, actually. Her hair is almost the exact same color as Annie's... not that that's important or anything... okay, maybe it's a LITTLE darker... "Um, yeah... sorry to interrupt your..." She waved her hand vaguely.

"You're not interrupting!" Annie lied. She tugged Ellie over to the couch to sit with her, and was about to place her right between herself and the other girl. Meredith. "Oh -- wait -- lemme move this..."

Ellie hovered awkwardly in front of the couch while Annie collected sewing shit off the cushion. Esther beamed at them from the doorway. "I'll leave you girls to catch up, then. Ellie, you tell Joel not to be a stranger, okay? Oh it's so great to see you!" she said yet again.

Ellie smiled weakly. "Will do." ...What the fuck is wrong with me? Who cares if there's some new girl here? Annie's obviously happy to see me.

Once she was able to sit properly, Annie slung her arm around Ellie's shoulders. Leaned her head against Ellie's. "I've missed you so much."

Ellie relaxed a little. "I've missed you too," she parroted lamely. With a sidelong glance at Meredith, she added pointedly, "We have so much to catch up on!"

Maybe Meredith was too busy scrutinizing the guns on Ellie's hips, because she didn't take the hint.

"Oh -- I guess I should take this thing off now," Ellie said, smiling as a memory surfaced. "Remember how freaked out you were that I had a gun? That day we met? Now you're all... meh, a gun. Two guns, even."

Annie pulled back a little, but turned sideways towards Ellie, propping her elbow on the back of the couch and leaning into it. "Yeah, I didn't know what to make of you," she recalled fondly. "I was impressed, though. I could tell you were... someone people shouldn't mess with."

Ellie yanked off her holster belt and dropped it unceremoniously onto the floor at her feet. Did that girl just flinch? HA! Ellie couldn't help taking some perverse pleasure in her discomfort. Since Meredith apparently wasn't going to leave, Ellie just needed to ignore her and focus on her friend. "But now that everyone's allowed to carry them again... I mean, it really isn't a big deal anymore. Barely anyone used to do it, even when it was... re-legalized, or whatever... but I think about half the people I saw today had a gun on them. Tommy and Maria mentioned that we got some extras cuz of all the strange new people moving in. Like everyone's scared or something. Or just uncomfortable, I guess?"

Meredith smiled. "But we're not so bad, really."

Oh fuck, that was rude-- "Shit! Sorry. I didn't mean to say... I mean, of course you're not." ...Ugh, why am I apologizing? I don't care about her stupid feelings.

"Annie mentioned you cuss a lot," Meredith replied, looking amused.

What? What did I even say... 'shit'? Who cares?! She wondered how else Annie had described her. How much time the two spent talking about her... if any, beyond the superficial crap.

Annie was all smiles. "So! Ellie! If you're wondering why all this sewing stuff is in here...?"

"Let me guess -- you're learning to sew," Ellie replied wanly (...and the pun did not escape her notice, even if Annie hadn't done it on purpose).

"Right! It's so much fun -- I can't believe I never even tried it before. It was Meredith's idea! She noticed how much I love dresses... especially nineteenth century fashion..."

"I couldn't believe she'd never even considered it before," Meredith added.

Ellie didn't get the connection, really. I mean... I love to use toilet paper, but that doesn't mean I care about making my own... right?! "But... we have Millie, so..."

"But it's fun," Annie repeated. "Besides, Millie's busy with the play. When I get better at it, maybe I can help with the costumes, too! I mean for next time -- I'm not gonna be that much better in a month."

It had been the 'school play,' before... and had since morphed into the 'town play,' because so many people had gotten involved with the first one. This time, they were doing The Wizard of Oz, of all things! Even though it was kind of an inside joke thing with Joel, Ellie had been excited to explain to Annie how it got started -- all that Pacheco Pass shit -- but Meredith was rapidly sucking away her excitement... on all subjects. "A month? Isn't it more like... six or seven weeks?"

"True, but they really want them done a little ahead of time, you know? Oh Ellie, I wish you'd gotten to see the first one. You're gonna help with this one, right?"

"Um... I guess?" She hadn't really wrapped her head around it all yet. They're actually making CLOTHES for it? That people are only going to wear for three performances? She'd seen the movie when she was younger... maybe she didn't remember everything about it... but it seemed to her that there was no fucking way any of the costumes could be recycled for future use. Talk about wasteful. ...Well, Annie might like Dorothy's dress, I guess...

"They already cast everyone," said Meredith. "Maybe they need more understudies?"

Ellie looked at her blankly. "More what-ties?"

"She doesn't have to actually be in it," Annie said dismissively. "She could help with the sets or something. -Although I think you'd be an amazing Dorothy, Ellie!"

"She'd have to be able to sing," Meredith pointed out.

Bitch, please! The girl hadn't said it unkindly, but Ellie glared at her anyhow. "I can sing."

"And dance," Meredith added, the glare apparently lost on her.

That one was a little tougher. Still, it wasn't like Dorothy did anything super complicated, right? "I'm a quick learner." Whatever... subject change! "So, uh... where did you find that... appliance?" Ellie immediately kicked herself for bringing them right back to the topic of sewing.

"The sewing machine? I just asked at a town meeting if anyone had one," Meredith replied, even though the question had been directed at Annie. "There's a few in town that no one uses. We just had to get one fixed up so it works okay..."

Why is SHE going to town meetings?! Ellie wondered... before remembering that the girl was indeed a member of the town.

"It sticks a little," said Annie, "but that's okay -- every time I mess up a seam or something, I can just blame the machine!"

Meredith laughed. "She blames the machine for literally everything," she stage-whispered to Ellie, leaning in close enough that Ellie thought she caught a whiff of beer rinse in her hair.

"I do not!" Annie cried. "I do blame my foot as well. Once in a while. There's this pedal you have to step on that controls the speed -- see it under the table over there, Ellie?"

Annie makes that rinse for ME! Ellie couldn't help thinking, silently outraged. She tucked the thought away for later and looked where Annie was pointing, even though Ellie had barely registered what she'd just said. Ellie hadn't seen this room very much. She remembered it being very bare. Like a place Esther might slip off to if she wanted to read or journal quietly in the corner. But now there were a couple of tables (the one that held the sewing machine looked more like a desk, really)... crates and baskets and a rolling cart thing with drawers... rolls of fabric scattered about... papers with line drawings on them, like clothing blueprints... it looked like Annie (and apparently Meredith?) had been getting super involved in this new hobby. "So it's kinda like driving a car, huh? Except with only one pedal. ...And no steering," Ellie trailed off awkwardly.

"I guess? I dunno, I've never driven a car. Wanna see what I'm making?" Annie tugged Ellie up and over to the table.

Not really. Ellie had zero interest in this shit. She could have let Annie know... yet for some reason, she couldn't. Not with Meredith there. Like... that would mean Meredith had won, or something. So she feigned polite interest while Annie showed her the blueprint (a pattern, she called it) of some dress that looked just like every other dress she already had. Like something out of one of those movies about ancient times (like, super-ancient, not just Joel-ancient). Annie prattled on about how this type of dress was kind of hard for beginners so Meredith was helping her, and the two of them were helping Millie with some of her projects. Ellie idly wondered if that meant Annie or Meredith would be the one making the underwear Millie had promised her. Why didn't Millie mention that? ...I guess me and Joel were in too much of a hurry to get to the house...

Meredith chimed in annoyingly often, giving Ellie the sense that she and Annie were like... a team. And Annie wasted no time in telling Ellie alllllll about Meredith -- like Ellie gave a fuck. Annie and Meredith had so much in common -- the sewing thing, mainly, but Meredith also had a little brother to annoy her (only he was one year younger, while Annie's was two years younger), and she also had a mother. From the brother talk, Ellie had deduced that Meredith was probably eighteen, since her brother was Annie's age, and Annie had had a birthday while Ellie was away.

But the worst thing? Meredith had declared that Annie was the sister she'd always wished for.

GAG!

Normally, Ellie loved hearing about other people's families... hearing their stories, their experiences... but tonight, she was cycling between annoyance, sadness, and even some anger -- mostly towards Annie. Why doesn't she make this girl leave so we can really TALK? She's obviously not taking any hints from me... Annie HAS to know that I don't want to talk about sewing and be with this fucking girl I don't even know-- ugh! Why can't it just be the same as before?

Annie hadn't said anything about Meredith being like her sister, yet Ellie wished she had thought to somehow work Sophie into the conversation, after Meredith made that remark. She wanted Annie to know that she had a fake sister now, too. She couldn't just blurt it out randomly, though; she'd have to work her way back to it. That is, if Annie even wanted to hear about anything related to the trip. And Ellie couldn't ask Annie about Jacob; she didn't know what all this Meredith chick knew, or if Jacob was so totally history that it would be weird to even ask about him (I fucking hope so!)... Ellie definitely couldn't talk about anything related to her own alleged ~crush~ on Joel, but that was a tricky subject anyway, Meredith or no Meredith.

The worst thing Ellie had learned, though? -Meredith was sleeping over. Spending the night so she could get up bright and early and help Annie with chores. Chores that Ellie had planned on helping her with while she got reacquainted with the animals... and reacquainted with Annie herself.

But of course, it's not like Annie KNEW I was coming home today... Ellie knew she had no right to be upset about it.

She was trying to convince herself of this when a heavenly voice wafted out from the kitchen: "~Who wants cinnamon apple piiiiiiiie?~"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"Me!" Ellie immediately started to salivate again upon hearing Esther's words; she wasn't nearly upset enough to fucking pass up apple pie. She drifted into the kitchen behind the other two girls, slightly cheered at the thought of a scrumptious slice of the pie she'd been missing all these months.

"Wait wait wait -- let me do that!" Meredith shooed Esther away from the pie. "You slaved away, making it. You shouldn't have to serve it, too."

Annie rolled her eyes and plopped down at the kitchen table. "She's always making me look bad around here," she smirked to Ellie.

"You could stand to take a lesson or two from her, young lady," Esther teased as she sank into her chair. "Ellie! Come sit!"

Ellie was bizarrely frozen in place, just fiddling with the edge of the island counter, watching Meredith glide around the kitchen. The girl knew where the plates were. The forks. The glasses. The milk... and she even knew that Esther liked hers warmed. Without even asking her. Ellie nodded absently when Meredith asked if she wanted milk, too. That pie is soooo yummy... you should be HAPPY right now cuz you get to have some, she scolded herself.

But that kind of reasoning didn't seem to work anymore. Or at least it wasn't working right now. It seemed... childish, or immature. Ellie pretended that the reason she was just standing there dumbly was to help Meredith bring the pie-filled plates to the table. If she sits in Will's seat, I'll stay. If she sits in MY seat...

That logic was even more ridiculous! But when Meredith proceeded to take the seat that had always belonged to Ellie, chattering away merrily with Annie and Esther...

Something inside Ellie just snapped; pie or no pie, she'd seen enough. She cleared her throat. "Um... I'm sorry, can I save mine for tomor-- for another day? I just noticed how late it is and there are tons of people I still have to go visit!" Joel did say I was popular...

"Are you sure, honey?" asked Esther, and Ellie could hear -- or maybe feel -- the genuine kindness behind the words. The desire for Ellie to stay. "I'd love to hear about your trip."

"Yeah, me too!" Annie chimed in. "We barely got to talk at all yet!"

She sounds regretful, too, I guess... maybe? ... well, she should've tried harder before, instead of forcing me to look at all that stupid sewing shit -- and telling me how wonderful Meredith is! Ellie pasted on the biggest smile she could manage. "I'm back now, so we have plenty of time for that. Right? Yeah. Um, bye everyone! G'night!" She waved cheerfully and scampered away.

If Ellie hadn't nearly tripped over her backpack, she probably would've left it there at the house. Shit -- my guns are all the way in that back room! The noises coming from the kitchen... concerned voices, chairs scraping... I HAVE to get out of here before I get cornered! Going to the back room would definitely block her escape -- and she couldn't even sneak out the back door without going through the kitchen, so that was obviously out of the question.

"Ellie, are you okay?"

Ellie jammed her arms through the straps as fast as she could and kept moving. "I'm fine!" she called back. "Really! Just gotta go!"

She practically flew out the door.

* * * * * * *

I must be a glutton for punishment...

All she wanted to do was wrap herself in Joel's loving, safe, familiar-as-fuck arms, but Ellie didn't go home. It was too soon! She'd barely spent any time at the farm. Joel would think it was weird.

...Well, so what? It's not like I'm going to lie to him about what happened. She wanted to talk to him about it. Wanted him to tell her she was being silly, and that no one could ever replace her.

Yet Ellie still didn't go home.

She went to the library. Will would be there, according to Annie; he'd been going to the movie nights a lot (and they still had those pretty much every night, except when the power was out)... and spending less time at the farm. After what Ellie had just witnessed, she couldn't really blame him. But even though he was Annie's little brother and nearly the same age as herself (he was fifteen now), Ellie had never hung out with him all that much -- mostly due to his presence having a tendency to irritate the fuck out of Annie. Which was pretty sad, really... Ellie was pretty sure if she had a sibling -- a real one, one that she had grown up with -- she would be closer to them than anyone in the world! Anyway, the person she really wanted to see was Clicker. Would he be there in one of the movie rooms? No one could play any console games while the movies were going, but he might be at one of the computers playing with his Sims...

Did he delete the Sim-me that was having his babies? she snickered to herself. He had denied that it was her, when she'd caught him, but she could tell. Making Sims of real people was kind of creepy... but Ellie did it, too. As far as she knew, there were three Sim Ellies out there: the 'real' one in the Jackson town that one of the uber-Sim-nerds had created, with the whole town represented (or at least a good chunk of it... oh fuck... I wonder if he added all those new people! That's a lot of work!), the one in Clicker's game, and one that she'd carefully hidden in a neighborhood no one played, with a fake name and different hair color because it was supposed to get into a relationship with fake-Joel, if she were to ever actually play the game enough to figure out how to make that happen.

There were far less people out and about, now that it was dark. Even though it so wasn't dark -- the street lamps were on! And they seemed so much brighter than the solar lights Ellie had gotten used to in Monterey. The movies hadn't finished yet; once they did, the streets would get noisy again with people going home. Ellie felt rather naked without her guns... and she wasn't looking forward to seeing the look on Joel's face when he noticed. So... I won't let him notice! I'll have my backpack off already when I go inside so I can drop it right away and he'll think I dropped EVERYthing to rush right over to him... then tomorrow I'll sneak into the farmhouse like a ninja, get in and out of there without anyone seeing me. Yes, that's what she would do.

Still, that didn't help her feel any safer at the moment. Thankfully, she had her trusty switchblade in her pocket like always... but you're INSIDE now, bitch! You're safe! Relax! she ordered herself, trying to ignore the accompanying flickers of guilt -- the ones with Joel's face on them, scowling at her for being so careless.

Ellie entered the library, exchanged friendly-but-shallow greetings with the person on duty, who wasn't the clerk that Ellie was most friendly with (that would be Paige -- she worked day shifts), and scanned the large area that the residents had converted into a place to hang out. There were tables, chairs, couches, and computers like any library, but there were also games, puzzles, a music area (called 'the pit'), and beyond all that, the smaller gaming rooms where the movies were currently being shown. People could also check out movies and CDs the same as they did with books, but most people didn't have the capability to play them at home. The kids' area beyond the pit looked... bigger, maybe? Nothing else struck her as being very different, which was comforting. She noticed someone with headphones on, sprawled on one of the couches, watching a little screen. Ohhhh that's different -- they finally fixed one of those little player thingies so people can watch movies on their own! Or maybe they'd gotten something new. She also noticed that one of the computers was playing a movie, not a game, and she wondered if the rules on computer usage had changed over the winter.

At first, Ellie didn't think anyone was paying her much mind, but then there was like a ripple effect of people poking each other and heads turning in her direction. Some she recognized, some she didn't... and she suddenly felt very self-conscious and out of place. The only person she recognized who was even remotely close to her age was Cassie, Lucas's cousin, but she didn't know her well enough to feel comfortable marching right up to her in front of everyone like they were actual friends or something. Still, Cassie gave her a little wave, as did a couple of other people, and Ellie waved back. Ugh... why do I feel so weird? These are my peeps! I mean... kind of! Anyone I want to talk to is probably in one of the movie rooms... I can't just barge in there and interrupt. I mean, that's rude, isn't it? I could try to just slip in unnoticed and surprise everyone at the end... but no, someone would fucking turn and see me and I'd be done for. Besides, she still had a sour taste in her mouth from surprising Annie, and ending up more surprised herself.

Okay... I can't just go hang out by myself like a lame-o... not that there was anything wrong with that. She did it on occasion. But she would have a book to read or music to listen to in the pit -- she wouldn't just go plop down on a couch and twiddle her thumbs on her first night back, like she had no one to talk to. If she kept standing there without looking like she knew where she was going, someone was bound to come try and talk to her, and she was kind of over all the polite small talk now. Especially if they were only doing it out of pity or something. How different this is from seeing people on the way to Tommy and Maria's!

...Except what was actually different? Just that Joel wasn't with her? That was pretty fucking stupid.

So where can I go... Oh! The magazine room! Of course! Ellie had hidden there before (unintentionally, that time). But... would it look weird if she just made a beeline there? ...Yeah, probably. If she could just find someone to talk to on the way... she did see someone perusing books in one of the aisles in that direction. His back toward her, out of sight of the common area people -- and not a teenager, from what she could tell, which seemed... safer, somehow. Like she was less likely to make an idiot of herself by doing what she was about to do.

"Oh hey!" she called to the random person, a smidge louder than she normally would have. She smiled and waved and scuttled over to him, grateful to the ginormous bookcases for protecting her from all the staring eyes.

The dude turned around and smiled at her quizzically. "Hey... me?" he asked. "Oh -- hi, Ellie!"

It's Justin! Not the teenage one but the other one. The one lots of girls seemed to have a bit of a thing for but no one took seriously due to his reputation for being a manwhore. "Oh -- shit -- sorry, I thought you were someone else," she apologized with a smile. Just don't ask me WHO I thought you were! "But hey, Justin -- ha. How are you?"

"I'm good -- welcome back!" He shelved the book he'd been examining and moved forward to give her a quick hug. At least, it should have been a quick hug, as was customary for greetings... "I heard you were back. And in one piece, even."

"Yep!" she chirped, pulling back when it became clear he wasn't going to.

"You grew up," he observed with a smile.

"...I did?" She was blushing furiously, hoping he didn't mean to sound like a perv...

"You've gotta be at least two inches taller."

That totally wasn't true, but Ellie was just relieved that he hadn't made any remarks about her feminine parts -- and he didn't seem to be trying to flirt with her. "Pffff. I don't even think I grew one, actually. Um, sorry to bother you... I'll let you get back to your... uh... whatever you were doing."

"Trying to find a sequel to the book I just finished," he supplied. "Are you coming back to work here again? 'Cause... I swear things were more organized when you were doing it."

"I wasn't shelving stuff," she informed him with an eyeroll. Maybe he was trying to flirt with her! She knew that complimenting a person was a form of flirting. Or it could be. Maybe he's just being nice... "I was cataloging. But I bet I can find it. Is it sci fi? Cuz that's where you are right now."

"I think so."

"Okay... author's last name?"

"Brett. I did remember to look at that first, this time."

Ha! He remembers the last time I tried to help him! "Pretty sure he's fantasy, dude. Those are... this way."

She'd never read anything by that author, but she had a good memory for names -- at least the ones that had authored a series in a section that she spent a fair amount of time in. She found Justin his book in like ten seconds. He was equal parts impressed and grateful... and did not attempt to hug her again when she excused herself. Overall, Ellie got the feeling he was just being friendly, not truly flirtatious. He's like Sophie! she realized. Kind of... friendly-flirty, or naturally flirty, but the behavior was not necessarily indicative of actual romantic interest in the other person. She remembered Joel trying to explain that to her back when she thought Sophie was a skank, and she hadn't really gotten it. Or maybe she had just been so determined to believe the worst of Sophie, for having the nerve to try to seduce Joel. That was before Ellie learned that Joel had unwittingly made Sophie think that he liked her that way. Joel is so adorably clueless sometimes!

The magazine room was around the corner... and no one else is back here -- YES! She was able to slip into it unnoticed. Whew! Okay, so... now what?

Ellie wasn't really in the mood to pore over magazines. Whoever had been in the room last had left kind of a mess, though (jeez, didn't the staff check back here anymore?!). It took her a good ten or fifteen minutes to put everything back in its proper place. She idly wondered if people had left stuff out on purpose, like they weren't done yet or something, but that possibility didn't deter her. While she was doing that, she racked her brain for stuff she had vowed to look up when she got home.

She didn't have to rack very hard: legal age! Or... what had Joel called it? Something that sounded insulting... oh! Age of consent, that was it. Like she was too young to understand the concept of consenting to sex when she was fifteen. Pfffff! However, she had no idea where to find such a thing in a magazine. There were some law magazines in the room... some very boring-looking law magazines that she doubted anyone had touched in years... but she had imagined finding a boring-looking book instead -- with a table of contents, or an index she could flip to. And now was definitely not the time to be doing that, with a bunch of people having to pass by the non-fiction aisles on their way out after the movies ended. Some of them would probably want to talk to her, after not seeing her for seven months. No, the best time to search for that would be mid-morning, when the library was emptiest. She would still have to think up a plausible lie about what she was looking for, too, just in case; she was definitely better at lying when she didn't have to conjure shit up on the fly.

After thumbing through a few magazines that were indeed as boring as they looked, Ellie's eyes started to glaze over. The language was so... lifeless and dry. Full of words she'd never even heard people say in movies, let alone real life. She couldn't care less about keywords lawyers commonly overlook... how to use 'facebook' to market your law firm (she kept seeing that word in various places but still didn't really understand what it was, even after Joel had tried to explain -- all it did was make her miss Riley)... how to create an effective 'podcast' (she knew what that was, at least, as some of the computers had some downloaded)... she usually found interviews at least a little bit interesting, but the ones she skimmed now were dry and humorless as fuck. Clearly, she wasn't going to find what she needed here. What I need is something even MORE boring -- a list of laws and statutes or whatever!

...and what the fuck am I even doing in here?

Maybe it felt 'too soon' to go home, but how stupid was that? It wasn't like Joel would be disappointed. He was probably feeling as weird and out of sorts as she was right now. Not knowing exactly what he was doing for the first time in... well, since that day in the boat, perhaps, but aside from that? It had been months. In fact, she wasn't even sure she would count this time, because she did know what he was doing: he had told her he'd be home when she got there, so where else would he be? He thought I'd be gone at least two or three hours, though. He might not even be there yet. Can I really spend another hour in here?

Would I rather be in here, or beat Joel to the house and have to wait for him cuz I can't even get inside?

She decided she would just look at the last fucking magazine she had pulled out, and then slip outside, hopefully before the main area of the library flooded with movie-watchers. She didn't have to go home, though -- she could go take a walk around the lake. Most likely she wouldn't run into anyone out there, and if she stuck to the shadows, she definitely wouldn't. She didn't remember how full the moon had been last night but she believed it was somewhere around half, so with that plus the light cast from a few street lamps that dotted the sidewalk, she wouldn't need her flashlight. It had rained earlier, so there might be puddles and mud and stuff to contend with, but she could let Joel assume she'd gotten wet or dirty on the way back from the farm.

...Or, I could just TELL him where I went! Why did she keep wanting to lie to him about stupid shit? She had already decided she wasn't going to lie about how things had gone down at the farm, so really, there was no need to lie at all.

Ellie yawned through the first half of the magazine before settling on what looked like a more interesting, if not more relevant, article about the media portrayal of leading ladies in law. She was only a couple paragraphs into it, though, when a sudden loud rapping on the door jolted her right out. The fuck-- ?

"Ellie? You in there?"

She relaxed. It was just Joel! And he opened the door before she could even answer him -- before she had even twisted around in her seat to face him. "Fuck -- next time, just come in! You startled me. How did you know I was..." She let that thought trail off as Joel dangled her holster belt and guns in front of himself.

He did not look happy. "Missin' somethin'?"

"How did you get that?" she wondered out loud. She stood up and braced herself for the forthcoming lecture. "Were you at the farm?"

"No." He thrust the belt at her, then crossed his arms in front of his chest and frowned. "And why are you sittin' with your back to the door?"

Ellie took comfort in the fact that the frown was not yet a scowl, which was one grade worse, and laid the belt on the table. "Um... cuz it's just the fucking library and not likely to get invaded by Infected?" She smiled disarmingly.

But, scowl-less or not, Joel would not be disarmed. "There may not be infected people around, but you know damn well that the uninfected could be worse. You don't always hear 'em comin'. Hell, you did hear me comin', but you barely had time to turn around, let alone react. More people are carryin' guns now. Since you didn't see fit to carry yours, you should've at least been on the other side where you could duck for cover if--"

"Okaaayyyy!" Ellie groaned. "Consider me lectured already. And I didn’t turn around real fast cuz I knew it was just you. Jeez. Can we go home now? That's where I was about to go." Certainly not about to walk around the lake by myself in the dark without a gun... nope, not me... But since she hadn't actually done that, it didn't even feel like a lie when she said she was going home.

"Put that on." He nodded at the holster belt.

"Seriously? Joel, you're already wearing--"

"That's me. Not you."

...As if we're actually two separate people? But she could tell this wasn't one of those times when Joel would understand and empathize with that sort of thinking. "I can just stick it in my backpack... I don't have to wear it." She started to do so, expecting him to stop her. If not physically, then with an ill-tempered "Ellie." Instead, he just watched her. Guess I'm in the clear! "I thought you didn't mind -- as long as I'm with you. In fact, I know you don't mind -- because you fucking told me that before we left town, remember?"

Joel sighed. "A lot's happened since then. But it's all right -- let's just go."

Had he been in a more playful mood, she might have shut the door and tried to be a little naughty. Which he would probably tolerate for all of five seconds before whispering in her ear that she was a bad girl, and that that's how people get caught. But now? He would no doubt just skip right to the scolding before she even got to enjoy being naughty. She just quietly followed him out the door.

"How did you know I was in here?" she asked again. "And how did you get my guns?"

"Annie brought 'em to the house. She was hopin' to talk to you. Which I thought was odd, seein' as how you'd gone down there to see her."

"I did! I did see her! I mean, obviously -- I accidentally left that there --"

"I know. She told me." Joel looked across the main area and Ellie followed his gaze. "Looks like the little kids' movie let out, but not the other ones."

Joel always said 'let out,' or talked about movies 'getting out,' which Ellie had thought was a cute Joelism until she heard other older people saying it. To her, they just finished, or ended. "Okay -- I really don't want to see any of them right now cuz they'll be tired and cranky." She grabbed his hand and started to lead him toward the exit the longer way, around the other side of the check out counter, where they were less visible to the masses. Even the counter clerk was gone, assisting with the matching of children to parents, or occupying the ones whose parents were watching another movie.

"That's prob'ly best," Joel agreed; he too was not a fan of cranky children. "You can show up at story hour instead. Surprise 'em. Except by then I think the whole town will know we're back."

Ellie would love to do that... just show up as if it were her turn, and enjoy all the kids clamoring to hug her and tell her their news (because she fucking loved that they had to share the most random things -- and with such enthusiasm -- like how they had just colored an elephant ORANGE with a broken burnt sienna CRAYON that they found in the PAINT box!). But... how would she feel if none of them even remembered her? Or if they preferred the other story-reader person?

I'll worry about that later-- "Hurry! Move!" she urged Joel -- and for a second, she flashed back to earlier that day... when their stealthiness had been a matter of life and death. Life is just... fucking WEIRD.

"You sure you don't wanna wait an' see Clicker, though?" asked Joel. "He must've been someone you were hopin' to find in there, yeah?"

He was... but not if he was going to snub her. Maybe he was pissed because she missed his birthday. Maybe he hated her for leaving, and was perfectly happy to never see her again. ...Wow, am I paranoid now or what? "I'll see him tomorrow," she said simply. She pushed open the door and hurried out. "We made it!"

"Still a long way to our house," Joel grumbled.

Ellie snickered. "A long way? Are you for real? No, see -- a long way is where we just came from. Over a month on the road!"

"More like two," he reminded her. The fake number.

"Yeah yeah. So -- what happened? Annie showed up at the house? Our house, right? Or Tommy and Maria's?" Ellie noted happily that Joel seemed content to keep holding hands with her.

"Ours. She said you left so quick you forgot it. You wanna tell me why?"

"Not really," she said brattily, "but I will. What did she tell you?"

"I just told you. That you left so--"

"Noooo I mean did she tell you why I left?"

"Said you had more folks to visit. Which is funny, 'cause earlier, you told me you only wanted to see Annie tonight." Joel sighed. "But that ain't what bothers me. I can't believe we've been back... just... a few hours, and you're already gettin' forgetful about wearin' your goddamn guns, when--"

"Joel, I didn't really forget, okay? I just... couldn't really get to them."

Ellie didn't have to be able to see his expression to know he was furrowing his brow over that one. "You... couldn't really get to them. What the hell does that mean? Annie was holdin' 'em hostage so she'd have to run 'em back up here to you later?"

That mental image almost made her giggle in spite of herself. "Sounds more like Esther than Annie. -Oh, Esther said... um... that you're not a stranger. Or something."

"O...kay. So what do you mean you couldn't get to 'em?" he asked again.

Typical Joel to be so fixated on the fucking guns! "I'll tell you later. You seem like you're still... on your Outside setting."

"Tch. Nice try."

"No, really!" She wasn't making it up!

"We can talk at home if you want," he conceded.

"I want," she assured him. "I think I'm still half Outside in my head, too." It wasn't exactly a lie... she just didn't care to mention that it was impossible for her to feel scared walking around this town, even in the dark, as long as Joel was by her side. Earlier, when she was alone, she hadn't been scared, exactly... it just felt really weird to be away from Joel, and she had to sort of remind herself that just because she wasn't with him at the moment, it didn't mean something was wrong.

Oh my God... I'm like a new baby! she realized. Maria had explained the concept of object permanence to her that afternoon, and said that Grayson wouldn't develop it for another few months yet... so basically anything that wasn't right in front of him just ceased to exist in his little world.

"What's so funny?" asked Joel.

Ellie hadn't realized she'd shown any outward signs of amusement. "Nothing. ...that I want to tell you at the moment," she added, because that was still a thing with them, when they remembered to say it! "But I'll prob'ly tell you later. If you're sweet."

Joel chuckled. "Shit. Guess you won't, then."

She slugged his arm. "Shut up. You're suuuper sweet, when you're not yelling at me for losing my guns and stuff like that. I didn't even lose them! I knew where they were and I was gonna go get them tomorrow."

"...Uh-huh."

"I swear!" she insisted. She was always annoyed when Joel didn't believe her, but she was extra annoyed when she happened to be telling the truth. The true truth, not a white-lie-laced version.

"I will make a responsible gun-toting adult out of you yet," he vowed.

She snickered. "You've already made a woman out of me, so--"

Naturally, he clamped his hand over her mouth for that, muffling her giggles. "You can't say shit like that out here. People will get the wrong idea."

And by that, of course, he meant the right idea! Ellie noticed he said it just a smidge louder than normal. In case anyone's following us and eavesdropping? But obviously, nobody was: Joel would have fucking heard them. That ability of his was one reason she felt so safe with him. If she pointed that out now, though, his rebuttal would be that he still has to be focused, which he clearly wasn't when they were carrying on a conversation.

Ellie figured she was in for another lecture when they got home, but nevertheless, she behaved the rest of the way. Mostly because as soon as they were quiet, her troubling thoughts returned. She was more irritated with herself than anyone else. What's with all the game-playing in the library? Like... who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks anyway? But -- why couldn't you just go home from the farm? That's all you wanted to do -- to see Joel again. ...Because things only feel RIGHT when we're TOGETHER.

Which was fucked up, of course. She knew it was. She did care about other people besides him... she did have other interests besides being with him... I don't care -- it's the FEELING I have...

"What is it, baby girl?"

She must have sighed or something without realizing it. "Um... what's what?"

"You seem..."

"It's nothing. I mean... I'm fine."

"Too dark?"

They had gone beyond the street lamps' reach. "Not with your flashlight on, silly. No, I was just thinking... it must suck being a little baby." Guess I won't make him earn this with sweetness after all!

"Uh... all right. Why?"

"Because when you're really little -- like Grayson -- you don't understand that just because Mommy and Daddy aren't in the room, it doesn't mean they don't exist. I mean... how fucking terrifying must it be, every time you wake up and you're all alone and you think you're gonna be alone forever?"

Joel chuckled. "Pretty damn terrifying, I reckon."

"Right? Just... okay, so, I'm not a little baby--"

"You don't say."

"Shut up. Like... I know better. But that feeling is still kinda there. It's just weird not being with you. I wish you came down there with me. I should've made you. -I know, I know -- you would've come, not like I had to force you. It would've felt better, if you... I dunno. The whole thing was so weird." 'Weird' was the word of the day, it would seem.

He squeezed her hand. "It'll take some gettin' used to. But we did it before, we can do it again."

"Not just that..." But, that was what she'd just been referring to, with the whole 'object permanence' thing, so of course that was how he'd taken it. "I'll tell you when we get home. And, um... thanks."

"For what?"

For being so PERMANENT. For not changing... not growing away from me. Not replacing me with someone better. For never making me feel like I don't belong. She could have said those things to him and he wouldn't have punished her for it by laughing or anything... but it would mean more once she gave him some context. "For being you," she summarized instead.

"Is that all? You're welcome."

Is that all -- pfffff! Joel obviously had no idea how amazing he was. How much she fucking loved him. But she could say or do a million things to try to let him know, and he still wouldn't! Because there was nothing she could say or do that could accurately convey the depth of her feelings for him. All she could do was keep trying.


~Continue to Chapter 28~