Ay yi yi

[lumy12]

I wonder if it is unethical to email strangers who journal here and beg them for information on an old friend... someone I can't stop thinking about the past couple months. I tried one person, the most likely person to have information (I thought), but she knows as much as I do. Now I'm going through others in her friend list and finding that most of her friended people don't display their email addresses. Probably to avoid psychos like me! Actually if they could just pass a message along I would be eternally grateful; I don't expect them to give out personal information so easily.

I've done every kind of internet search on her name(s) that I could think of. Got the best results with mamma.com. Still no email address, phone #, or address anywhere. *sigh* I even paid $9.99 to some search company for information, and I'm 100% sure I found the right person based on the information given but there was no phone # listed.... so I sent a card, only to have it returned. I know I should just give up but I really want to find this old friend of mine.

Ah well, I better give it up for the night, I've accomplished nothing in the past hour and it's almost time for Aaron to come home.

Good night...

Comments

I know the feeling

[meli-in-sac.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's tough. I feel for you. I sometimes get tempted to "look up" parts of my past. Sometimes I just want to say "I'm sorry" for something I did, or I just want to know the other person's alright. In my case, it's usually best not to press it. The other person, perhaps, wants it that way, and it may be best in the long run!!! I don't know your situation, but I definitely empathize. Good luck, however you handle it!!

Re: I know the feeling

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Yes, you're probably right, and odds are she will eventually get back into her journal and see my comments and then the ball will really be up to her.... I SHOULD just let it go. But I have a hard time doing it! Not much more I can do though so I won't dwell on it. Thanks for your understanding!

Boo!

[fuzzybluelogic.livejournal.com]

I've been founded :)

Just for me

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

This is such an old journal entry, I doubt anyone will read this comment. I'm really doing it for me, I guess.

I found her, and I know she's still alive (or has trained someone to post as her in her journal?) but contact has not been steady. I get the feeling that she finds me annoying. Like, perhaps she's not angry with me and wishing me dead, but just doesn't give a hoot if we communicate or not. The thing that really disturbs me about this most is, WHY THE F*** DO I CARE??? What does it say about me if I'm so obsessed with being in her life that I sit here at work constantly checking my email/journal, or reading her journal, hoping for a hint of recognition? I can't remember the last time she directed any comments my way, and my last few emails have gone unanswered as well.

Granted, not everyone gets into their email as regularly as I, but still - I post comments in her journal, and I'm on her "friends" list, I just get no response. She's very involved in this fantasy world... and I haven't done any role-playing in years. Since 1998, I think. Part of me wishes I could join the world, if only to be closer to her... well, not just that, it really is fun if you can make the time for it. I just don't happen to know anything about what she's currently involved in, and it would take literally years to gain all the knowledge these people already have. - The other part of me says, f*** it, I've reached out and she hasn't responded, and like meli says maybe it's just better to leave well enough alone. We've grown so far apart, and that has a lot to do with my atrocious actions years ago that I'm sure she will never be able to forgive me for. I haven't forgiven myself, though time passing has eased the weight of this burden considerably. I want to make things right, but it's impossible. I want to go back in time - also impossible.

So I sit here at work brooding about this for the past hour, reading journal comments of her "friends." She has so many that my entry from yesterday is no longer on the "recent" list. All RP stuff. How does she find the time to do it? She has a small child who MUST demand quite a bit of attention. I want to know more about her daily life, but it seems that is what she's trying to escape with the RP... then again, maybe my perception is warped because she has devoted her JOURNAL to RP, not necessarily her whole life. All I see of her is the journal. We used to IM, hopefully we can start that again soon. Now that I have a kick-ass computer I should be able to download all kinds of crap on there and not have it go too slow (if she uses a different messenger than me)

What is wrong with me???? Why can't I just accept that she's a friend from the past and move on? Why must I dwell on this? She's not the only person in my life whom I've hurt; I'm human. Humans hurt each other. But hers was perhaps the WORST kind of hurt, a betrayal that I can't make excuses for. We said some nasty things to each other in '98... but now I can't even remember what those things were. She found me a couple years later, online, and I emailed her but kept her at a safe distance. Afraid of getting hurt. Even though I deserved it. Still deserve it. If she would just tell me to GO AWAY then I guess I would deal with it better, but just flat out no contact makes me wonder: is she mad? Is she okay? Does she just not give a $hit anymore? Maybe she just can't be bothered with boring old me. I used to be so fun and funky, now I'm just... BLAH. My watered-down work personality is me everywhere, it seems.

I'm going to shut up now as it's just about time to go home (yeah I really worked my ass off today, posting in livejournal and reading others' comments! Gaaaaaa - I'm so psychotic!!!!)

I was going to post about this in regular journal format, maybe I still will, but it feels strange cuz she IS a LJ user and would know I'm talking about her. *sigh*

Can't wait to set up my iPod this weekend, I hope I have time to get to it....

Re: Just for me

[gizzi1213.livejournal.com]

I think it's very natural to want to reconnect to people. There is nothing wrong with the urge to want to "make things right." However, as your entry shows, sometimes it just can't be done, for any number of reasons.

Also, people just change and grow apart with time. I've been online a long time, if not in LJ a long time. I've had a number of online "friends" that I have lost contact with. I've had a lot of "real life" friends that I've lost contact with. In most cases, it wasn't due to some great falling out, it was more just our interests changed, or someone moved, or changed jobs and we lost contact. Some I keep in contact with only at Xmas time with a card.

Yet I consider each of these people to be "friends." I always refer to them as "friends" when I do refer to them. My memories of them are mostly positive, so why would I think of them as anything else??

And I don't think this post was psychotic. Trying to connect to a person is hardly psychotic.

Re: Just for me

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Quite the long comment for merely filling your quota ;) Thanks!

I've grown apart from many people for those reasons, and it doesn't bother me. I'd really like to fix THIS though. We're still LJ buddies (she uses a different journal now though) and occasionally chat and things are friendly between us, so I'm pretty cool with that.

Re: Just for me

[gizzi1213.livejournal.com]

Ah, so then a happy ending.

As for the comment length, I did say I was going to have a personal challenge to not leave any comments along the lines of "boring!"

BTW, I forgot to mention that I found it very amusing that you weren't into RP then when you are so into it now!!!

Re: Just for me

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Happy enough, yeah. Though I'd like to have another face to face talk with her before we die! We live pretty far apart now but someday maybe I'll go visit her.

Yeah, it took me a little while longer to warm up to it. I had done some online RP before but... only in craptacular settings. Heh. But I can't play with my friend cuz she only does X-Men! Bah!

Re: Just for me

[gizzi1213.livejournal.com]

X-men??? That is one fandom I've never been able to understand the appeal of.

Re: Just for me

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

I don't know enough about it (and don't care to - I have enough fandoms, really!). It seems to be pretty popular, though.