The whole world's getting married

[lumy12]

A close coworker of mine just told me he's getting married in October. This will be my 4th wedding this year. And, of course, always: "When are you and A. getting married?"

Well, we're not. As I've said before I can't imagine myself getting married, being a good wife and performing all those wifely duties that may seem easy to some but not to me. Not to mention how it would cramp my much-needed alone time. I don't think marriage is my cup of tea.

So there should be no problem, since I'm with a guy who doesn't believe in marriage, right? - Sort of right. Our viewpoints are different. I DO believe in marriage (I don't care how many divorces there are in the world, I believe it can work, I've seen examples of it working, studies show that married people are healthier and live longer than singles, blah blah blah), I just can't see how it works for ME. A. just doesn't believe in it, period. I think he wants our relationship to be the equivalent of being married but without the legal part. And that ain't gonna happen. He's extremely understanding of this. We don't even talk about it anymore. But more and more I wonder if I should "do the right thing" and set him free so he can find someone who views the world more the way he does. And it wouldn't be completely unselfish of me to do that - I would get the benefit of living a guilt-free existence, and I'm ASSUMING I wouldn't lose his friendship because of how things worked out the first time we broke up.... I shouldn't assume that.

Anyway - after the show I did for him on Saturday I went out to dinner with the usual gang. Got teased again with the "when are you getting married" crap - I don't really mind it, I complain about it here but I don't mean to sound like it's the most annoying thing in the world to get teased about. It's not. But this time, someone asked me how old I was - I replied - then she said, "Honey, it's time for you to shit or get off the pot." I've heard that expression before, but I hadn't applied it to me and A. So, just because we haven't gotten married yet, we should break up? What if that's not what we're looking for? Which leads to the question, what ARE we looking for... what am *I* looking for.... and I feel like just a good friendship would suffice, I don't need a romantic relationship. Don't want one. Fantasies are one thing, real life is different. More and more I find myself drawn to fantasy. Don't care so much about real life. Is it a phase? How do I know?

Comments

Yikes (been there, from the other side)

[meli-in-sac.livejournal.com]

Hopefully you can shrug off other people's comments. It's kinda rude of them, really! "Oh, we've decided we don't want to get married" works in a pinch. So do other "more rude" things, but I know you wouldn't do that!

Look at it this way....You're fortunate that you know yourself well enough to sense what would be right and wrong for you, independently of how it fits into other people's norms. Some people just jump in because they are "supposed to" and then figure it out! As for the studied benefits of marriage, I would want a little more analysis on the specifics. If it's companionship and compatibility...well, you have that.

Good luck in your questioning! They say you can't get the right answers without asking the right questions, so you're making progress!

Re: Yikes (been there, from the other side)

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the input! The fact that all I care about is companionship (don't care about romance) makes me wonder why we don't just return to being friends. I think about bringing it up with him sometimes, but then end up concluding it's up to him to let me know if he's unhappy, because I'm content with how things are. I do worry that he's miserable (or not as happy as he COULD be with a "normal" person) but won't say so cuz he's such a nice guy.

I guess I'm not ready to do anything rash yet. Time will tell.

[gizzi1213.livejournal.com]

I personally think that is one of the rudest comments someone can make, "when are you getting married?" As you said, the person asking may not even know if marriage is something either, or both, of you even want out of the relationship.

Fantasies are one thing, real life is different. More and more I find myself drawn to fantasy. Don't care so much about real life. Is it a phase? How do I know?

Fantasy is fine, as long as you don't lose yourself in it, like someone I could name but you always get made a me when I remind you have insane he is. AND IT'S NOT NAM!!!!

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Perfect icon for this post you got there!

I don't always mind, if it's appropriately teasing and not like "OMG WTF is wrong with you, why aren't you married with 10 babies by now????" which doesn't happen very often.

Hey, you were talkin' to DJ today too! See, you LIKE him now! :P

[gizzi1213.livejournal.com]

Snort!! Did you happen to notice the icon I used for the post to DJ??? I'll use it here too.