"I'm so sorry"

[lumy12]

A. was supposed to come down here this weekend - tomorrow is his birthday, but he was going to be in town anyway (for work) so that was convenient.... but now he can't come, because he doesn't want to leave his mom :( She's been battling bone cancer for the past 2 1/2 years, and now she has some strange digestive disease that's really crippling her, she's been in and out of the hospital... I know it's bad because A. NEVER EVER cancels shows. Especially in Arizona - we have a good market for his stuff. Last year she got really really sick and A. said "This is it" - they didn't expect her to make it, but she did. She's a tough lady. I pray she pulls through this time as well.

I've asked A. what I can do to help him out, sometimes I can do stuff on the internet for him, like eBay or PayPal stuff...maybe make some phone calls for him... but he doesn't care about any of it right now. I feel helpless - I try to get him to talk about stuff and he shrugs it off, says he's fine, it's his sisters who can't deal with her being sick, not him.... one day he's just going to snap from not releasing any of his emotions, I'm afraid.

I feel guilty that there's nothing wrong in my life. I guess that's a version of "survivor guilt." I've been blessed with a healthy family, and I have good health myself. And - dare I admit - after he told me he's not coming, I actually thought to myself, "Well at least I can go watch Star Wars again this weekend" - what kind of horrible person thinks such things? But I did. I really think I have no business having a boyfriend. Most girls would hate that they barely talk to their bf's anymore (we've talked very little this week, he's been with his mom so much) - but I don't mind at all, it's not like I don't have a million other things to do. And I always prefer to be alone.

In other news... my top 2 choices to make my Padme Halloween costume are no-go's, I think I'll have to get busy this weekend and shop around for a professional to help me, or perhaps I can settle for something that's the same color but maybe a different style.

I bought a coconut cream pie at the store last night. SOOOOO not on my diet, bad Lumy!

Comments

[kevthejedi.livejournal.com]

You shouldn't feel guilty, it's not your fault she's ill. You have done what you can, and offered your help if it's wanted. He knows you're there for him when he needs you, and that's what counts. People handle things in different ways, and to me it sounds like the best thing you can do is let him be with his mum, which you are.

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Thanks :) I just feel like a different type of person would be calling him every hour, perhaps going up to see him (it's 4 1/2 hours from here) - I would if he ASKED me to, but otherwise I'm too practical.... there's nothing I can do sitting around watching her be sick with him. Not to mention that's no fun - so then I feel selfish again for thinking that. I just hope he doesn't feel bad that we're not talking much, I really tried to stress to him that it's fine, I understand...

[kevthejedi.livejournal.com]

The fact is, if he asked you to you would go there, but you won't impose when it just makes everyone feel awkward. To me that's a good thing. I may be drunk right now, but I still think logically, and logic works.

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Here's another Nat icon for you. Drool over her in your drunken state. You can fight my bro for her, hehehehe.

But don't think I'm going to spoil you with Natalies all the time. I reserve the right to use one of my zillion Anakin icons any time I choose.

I DID call the bf today, but got no answer at his house or on his cell. Not much I can do about that - he might be in the hospital and unable to use the cell (though some parts of the hospital do allow it, it seems?) So I feel relatively guiltless about trotting off to see Star Wars again (show starts in 2 hours, wooooooohoooooooo!)

[(Anonymous)]

But you are making the effort, which is what counts! I like the Natalie icons, keep them coming, spoil me, you know it makes you happy knowing I'm ahpyy! :-) Sexy icons are better though l-)

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Ah, you were too drunk to sign in here, I see... hope your hangover's not too bad today :P
(how's this one for sexy? Hehehe)

[tzeitalmalfoy.livejournal.com]

oooh i will make you a padme outfit

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

What? Oooo I just read that little bit in your journal.... will go rant and rave over there :)

[sleuthgirl27.livejournal.com]

aw... lumy... don't feel guilty... if he won't let you in there is nothing you can do... A would be annoyed if you called every hour... just do what you gotta do (not see star wars), and when he is ready to talk, he will... I would probably send flowers to his mom in the hospital cause she would like that... hopefully it would be something to tick him off if you did and it would let her know that you are praying for her....


And I am glad to see someone is going to turn you into Padme... now if Ani could just look like a dude :) hee hee hee

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

She's not in the hospital anymore, actually, but is still not feeling well. When she first got sick I wanted to send flowers - A. wouldn't let me, said she'd hate it. When I saw her in person once we talked about flowers and she confirmed it. BUT - her birthday is next month, and I want to send her a gift card with a nice thoughtful b-day card, or something... she always remembers my birthday. *sigh* But what can you get someone when they can't even enjoy it? I hope she's much better by then, it's still a month away... A's present will sit in my closet 'til he comes down here.

You are pushin' it with the Ani comments - take a look at this lovely icon, THERE is a man for ya! Drool, it's okay, no one will see you!

[gizzi1213.livejournal.com]

Well, it's way too late for me to tell you to not feel bad about not being able to do more for Aaron, given all the passage of time.

However, I did find the comments amusing. TWICE you make comments to someone about a particular icon (once Natalie, once Anakin) and both icons are now gone and replaced by your current default Palpy icon. VERY amusing when you're talking about how Kevin should drool over Natalie or telling someone else to look at Anakin and saying "there's a man for you."

And YEAH...this is where whats-her-name offered to make your Padme costume for you.

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Ahahahaha -- yeah this Palpatine icon is sure making the rounds in these posts!

[gizzi1213.livejournal.com]

Yes, it's getting a lot of air time.