Reflections

[lumy12]

With the 5-year anniversary of 9/11/01 tomorrow, the media has been focusing on 9/11-related things. I cried reading the paper this morning. I thought it might be nice to look back 5 years to my journal and post excerpts. I'm not putting it on the playground filter because... well, I'm just not.

First, looking at my entry on September 10. It was rife with personal drama. That was my one-year anniversary with Aaron. I didn't know that I'd cheat on him a month later. That we'd have a bad breakup two months later. I ended that entry anticipating what Aaron and I would do that night. Ha! He forgot that I got the day off work (I used to work my second job Monday and Thursday nights) and he was surprised when I came home at my usual time. He'd just eaten a large meal with his buddy and wasn't hungry at all. We didn't fight, but I remember being annoyed. We just talked about this this morning and he doesn't remember.

Of course, all Americans remember the next morning. havergal13 called me while I was getting ready for work and told me to turn on the TV. We don't often talk on the phone so I knew something was up... I thought maybe he was on a morning show and was getting all his friends to watch or something. I went and woke up Aaron and told him what happened. I went to work. It was a surreal day at work, and I didn't write a journal entry that day. We had baseball tickets for 9/11/01 - a game that ended up being played the first week of October. I put a sticky note on my stub with the real date (I save all of them). Baseball was on hold for a week, and I would end up not watching it for longer than that because I just couldn't stand to.

I did write an entry on September 12, but it's a little scatter-brained. I'll look at September 13.

9/13/01: I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I don't know when I'll feel like having fun again, or care about anything normal again. I'm functioning, I'm working, I'm keeping clean, isn't that enough? I know Aaron is angry at the situation but it feels like he's mad at me, which doesn't help. He wants everything to get back to "normal" - as much as possible. How? How do we go to movies and baseball games again? I don't feel like I have a right to those things right now and how do I know when those feelings are going to go away? I don't want them to go away, I want to mourn for New York and Washington. I sure as hell don't want to go to the airport for no "good" reason and go spend money foolishly on gambling ((note: we were supposed to fly up to Vegas that weekend)). I should donate that money to the Red Cross. I think I will, this weekend. Since I'm too chickenshit to give blood. ((note: Ha! Not anymore!))

I know I'm a downer to be around lately, I know it. What am I supposed to do? I can't go buy donuts and candy for everyone and try to cheer them up because reality is so bleak. It's SO bleak. If someone feels sad and wants to cry, that's just the way it is. And if they want someone to put their arms around them and tell them it's going to be okay, they'll be waiting a long time because no one is going to do that. Unless they're lying.

We're supposed to turn to each other for support? How? I mean, why? It's all a bunch of crap. There is nothing anyone can say to me to make me feel better. And maybe that's partly because of my ignorance -- I said a couple things yesterday that made me feel stupid (with Aaron). I know he was sitting there thinking "what an idiot." He's probably having doubts about me.

I know that takes a backseat to ththis tragedy -- we don't have to worry about that now. Do I care about keeping him happy, as a girlfriend should? Not really. Not right now. I want to absorb all I can about this terror, I don't want to even try to have fun or feel pleasure -- I can't believe I've even been eating. Why should I eat?

Aaron is more angry than sad -- I'm more sad than angry, and I'm also scared and unsure of what I have a right to be feeling. I've always felt like a little less than human... ((snip! blah blah blah ensues))

I want to be there for him but I'm not good at it. I'm a loner, I just want to get away from everything. ((more snippity)) Do I just WANT to wallow in pain? Maybe I'm selfish enough to want that.

((SNIP! some more angsting about the married guy I was attracted to at work, and how I connected more with him over 9/11 than with Aaron <.< )) Now that I'm not going to Vegas I've spoiled Aaron's birthday for him. He's annoyed with me -- "when are you gonna wanna have fun again?" -- Never. Screw it. I don't need fun. I just want to be alone. ALONE. Not even with Aaron. And I can't do that without throwing away everything, right? Maybe I'll tell him I need some alone time this weekend. If he has a problem with that, tough.

So what's wrong with me? Am I truly not in love with Aaron anymore? I refuse to believe that - esp. now when every emotion I have is so confusing and unsettling -- I think it's a problem with ME. I'm a psycho and things like this bring it out. Do I want to talk? NO. Because when I talk I end up saying dumb things like last night (wondering about airports... intelligence... nuclear weapons...) and getting looked at "that way" by Aaron.

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And a little from my September 14th entry:
I can't explain how I feel when I walk from my car to the office and see all the green trees... and people... and it's so beautiful but so PAINFUL to look at because it's not safe and protected from Satan and his minions, that it was a beautiful morning in New York on 9/11 Tuesday... there's such evil in the world that can destroy that with our OWN, turning ourselves into bombs... I can't comprehend it, I just have been so naive and sheltered.

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This was before I was on antidepressants, too. I was depressed for a while. I remember being surprised at feeling like I didn't want kids now after all this pain and how terrible the world is, blah blah blah... I always had wanted them before. Some of those feelings waned as time passed, but they resurfaced a couple years later and stuck with me. I'm pretty much set on not having any kids now. The last time someone teased me about it, saying "oh you'll change your mind!" I didn't even get annoyed. I just knew she was wrong and it wasn't worth getting annoyed over.

Anyway... I don't have a nice neat ending to this entry. I'm gonna go do some laundry and have lunch with Aaron (he's here 'til probably tonight) and hopefully finish the fic I started yesterday. I was going to write about the new food I tried last night and the baseball game we ended up going to at the last minute, but... meh. Don't really feel like it.

Comments

[edenmalfoy.livejournal.com]

I think everyone, who was old enough, remembers everything about that day. I'm planning to write my own 9/11 related post later on.

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Yay - I haven't seen enough 9/11-ness on my f-list. Granted, it's not quite 9/11 yet.

[karinablack.livejournal.com]

wow... that's some really heavy shit.

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

*nods* Depressing shit.

And it appears I enjoy confusing people about my relationship with Aaron.

Re: in reference to tomorrow's post

[lumy12.livejournal.com]

Trust the scientist to answer my bitchy babbling logically.

*hugs wheezygreevy and snuggles up to him*

[azurien.livejournal.com]

aw, sad. i didnt' have a journal then. it was a tuesday, i was sleeping late cuz i didn't have class until the evening, i was going to get my hair cut in the afternoon. then my mom woke me up. i was mad she woke me up and she was like "look! look at the tv." horrible, horrible, may nothing bad ever happen again!