lumy12 | Here, have some emo!Wendy

I was gonna wait to babble until I could post pictures from my trip, but then I realized a) most of the good ones are from my camera-camera, not my cell phone camera, and I don’t have a way of uploading those even at home, b) I’m not in any pictures from my own camera, and why would you guys want to see pics of my friend? and c) snow isn’t exactly foreign to many of you like it is to me!

I went up to Flagstaff with K and her parents for K’s graduation from NAU, and we met her husband’s parents up there (yes, her husband’s parents came, but the estranged husband did not). She earned her master’s degree here in Phoenix, but the ceremony was held at the main campus up north, and she told me she probably wouldn’t have bothered to walk if it was down here. She loooooooves NAU. And I can see why! Elevation 7000 feet… it had snowed heavily a few days before and all that snow still blanketed the houses and trees. Very pretty! Some of the stuff near the roads was gray and ugly, but looking away from that it looked like a Christmas postcard. I did not freeze to death! I brought my warmest clothes – things I don’t normally get to wear because it’s never cold enough at home – so it really didn’t feel much colder to me, though of course it was. It snowed while we were there, too. SO PRETTY. And I slipped a couple times on the ice, but didn’t fall. K only fell in the soft snow. We were all kinda mothering her because she doesn’t walk very well anyway (neurological condition) PLUS she’s 7 months pregnant!

We visited some friends of theirs on Saturday, and I fell in love with their house. Architect!husband + artist!wife = awesome!house. They had an old-fashioned wood-burning stove! And more windows than walls… we watched squirrels playing outside. I don’t get squirrels at my house! They showed us a picture of a herd of elk that came right through their backyard the other day. A whole HERD. It’s like a wildlife preserve up there!

I was so enthralled with their house and even more so with the lady of it, though I mostly sat quietly and let everyone else chatter around me. Her warm personality and the way she spoke about her life and family and… I dunno, for some bizarre reason, I started crying, and I’m even tearing up now remembering. I don’t think anyone noticed because I turned to the window and got my camera out like I wanted to take more squirrel pictures. I fake-coughed a couple times too so anyone who thought my eyes seemed watery could attribute it to that. I wonder if going off my anti-depressants is making me revert to my old oversensitive ways? A couple weeks ago I cried at work and couldn’t stop. That was SO embarrassing. I HAVE to get a handle on the damn waterworks!

It’s natural that I felt out of place everywhere. I had expected to. It’s been forever since I was part of academia. I also don’t have the means to travel…and even if I fix up all the things wrong with my house, it will never be as beautiful as that house we visited. I was envious.

K and I don’t have much in common anymore, but we still “click” when we’re together. We met at age 10 and became best friends, and even though she moved after half a year and we never went to the same school again, we remained best friends up through college, when our lives began to take drastically different courses. And sometimes it boggles my mind that she still wants me in her life so much.

Everyone was super-nice to me on this trip. Not at all patronizing or condescending or doing anything that made me feel “less than.” In fact, it was mostly the opposite. So it's my internal voice making me feel bad. I don’t know why thinking about my “wasted life” makes me so sad at times when I really don’t want to do anything to change it. Sure, it’s nice to dream about going to school up there in the pretty snow, tucked away from the real world, but that’s never going to happen, and the reality of it certainly wouldn’t be as nice as my little fantasy. And though my maternal instincts surface from time to time, the truth is I really don’t want to be a mother. Or a wife. Or anything but what I am.

So what the hell is wrong with me?

Ah, the age-old question.

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Manheim Steamroller