CYOA Page 32
Sep. 15th, 2013 03:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12You feel like you've developed a pretty good sixth sense yourself, and you don't see any cause for concern in the spot you've chosen. Besides, your mouth is really watering for that stew now!
The boys get the fire going while you start setting up the dinner things. It's really nice to have actual fucking camping equipment on this trip -- like the awesome all-in-one pot/grill rack contraption that makes cooking things like stew really easy. Zack has zero dinnerware, and you and Joel didn't exactly plan on having company on this trip, so you're going to have to share. Once the stew is warming, you hand stirring duty over to Joel and plop down next to Zack. Your bowls and utensils are laid out on your bath towel (which doubles as a kitchen towel).
"Since someone didn't want to bring plates--" --you look at Joel pointedly, then turn back to Zack-- "me and you can share a bowl. And... I guess I can use a fork."
"There's nothin' we can eat off a plate that can't be eaten from a bowl -- nothin' that we brought along, anyway," Joel explains... to Zack, you assume, because he's already shared this logic with you, although he's looking at you when he says it. "An' you can share with me."
"But me and Zack will eat like... the same amount combined that you'll eat by yourself," you say reasonably.
"No -- we'll split it equally."
You roll your eyes. "It's not like we don't have enough. You're bigger, so you get the biggest portion." You can't ever get him to admit it, but you're pretty sure Joel doesn't eat his fill sometimes because he wants to make sure that you do. You've tried to return the favor, but somehow, he always fucking knows.
"Whatever the rations are, you can still share with me," Joel replies. "It's only polite to let our guest have his own bowl."
You can't believe Joel is so jealous of a child! It's kind of amusing, really... "Zack, you don't mind, do you? We're buddies now." You muss the kid's hair again (for the sole purpose of annoying Joel... and it works!).
Zack smiles a little... but the smile disappears when he looks at Joel. "I don't care. Either way. Really."
In the end, you get your way, of course, because Joel is the one ladling out the stew (although you didn't bring a ladle, either, so it takes forever) -- and naturally, he does yours first. "Give that to him an' hand me the other one," Joel says when your bowl is full.
You do hand him the other one, but then you return to your seat next to the boy, scooting close enough that you two can share. You let him take a few bites before sticking your fork in there and spearing some meat. "Mmmm... it's good, huh?"
"Let him have that one, Ellie," Joel says again... with a warning note in his voice.
You ignore that note because he's just being so DUMB. "He told you he doesn't care. Hmm, maybe I can drink some of the sauce part..." You bring the bowl to your lips, blow on the stew, and take a few slurps.
Joel finally gives up and eats his own stew, but he's clearly unhappy about it. And HE'S the mature one here?! Whatever... You and Zack clink utensils by accident and a slice of carrot falls on the ground between you. Zack immediately picks it up and eats it with his fingers. You snort in amusement. "Dude, you didn't even blow the dirt off first. Here, maybe if we..." You scoot closer and drape the towel over your lap and Zack's. "That's better."
"Ellie, I'd like a word with you," says Joel, rising to his feet. "Now."
You bristle at the severity of his tone, which is totally uncalled for (and of course it's never just one word, when he says that). "Can't we just finish--"
"No."
You sigh and stand up, leaving your fork on your half of the towel. "Save some for me, okay?" you call to Zack as you follow Joel to his desired place to "have a word" -- just out of the boy's earshot.
"What do you think you're doin'?" Joel growls.
"I'm not doing anything," you reply innocently.
"Yes, you are."
"I have no idea what you're talking about -- why don't you tell me what you think I'm doing?"
"Keep your voice down. An' you know exactly what you're doin'."
"What? What am I doing?" Just fucking SAY it!
"You're... showin' off."
"Showing off?" That's not what you expected him to say.
"Tryin' to impress this kid... defyin' me like that in front of him..."
"Defying you? Oh, sorry -- didn't know I wasn't allowed to have my own opinions," you say scathingly. So it was more about his stupid macho pride than jealousy?
"That's not what I meant an' you know it. You're actin' like..."
"Like what?" You wait, but he doesn't answer. "I'm being nice to him, Joel."
"Nice," he repeats with a snort.
"Yes. He's starting to feel comfortable with me."
Joel scowls. "An' you're gettin' a little too comfortable with him."
"What do you want me to do? Sit in your lap, and... and let you spoon feed me or something? Yeah, cuz that won't look suspicious at all."
"Don't be ridiculous. An' keep your voice down," he reminds you again.
"I'm being ridiculous?"
"I don't expect you to sit in my lap -- but you don't have to sit in his lap, either."
You laugh mirthlessly. "What the-- Oh my God, what are you talking about?"
Rather than continuing to tell you to keep it down, Joel grabs your arm and starts marching you farther away from the fire. "You keep touchin' him when you don' have to."
"...I'm-- what the fuck, Joel, no I'm not!" You glance back at Zack; he's still eating, and you know he can't see you in the darkness.
"You... touched his hair... put your hand on his leg..."
...I did? You don't remember that. Maybe for like, a second, when you were arranging the towel? You realize Joel's never going to come out and say it, so you might as well put it out there. "Do you realize how stupid you sound? You're fucking jealous of a ten-year-old kid."
"I ain't jealous," Joel answers.
So predictable! Of course he'll deny it. "Ohhhh yes you are. You didn't want him to ride with me, didn't want him holding on to me--"
"He didn't seem to know where to put his hands."
"What did you think he was gonna do? Cop a feel? He's ten!"
"Maybe if you'd quit flirtin' with--"
"Flirting?! I'm not flirting!" You weren't! You were only pretending to flirt. Sort of. Actually, you're not really sure you know what constitutes flirting and what doesn't.
"You are. It's like you're tryin' to piss me off."
"No I'm not!" you lie. "Jesus, Joel -- he's a fucking kid. I don't know why you're so jealous over a little boy. It's like you don't trust me at all!"
"It ain't about trust. An' lower the volume a little." He walks even farther away, this time without grabbing you.
But you do follow him. "Then what's it about? Why are you so jealous?"
"You're the one sayin' I'm jealous."
"Because you fucking are! What -- do you want me to tell him about us? Yeah, great idea, let's do that! Then I can touch you instead! Is that what you want?" ...You're being sarcastic here, of course, but that is exactly what you would like to do!
Joel doesn't even respond to that. "I would like you to show me a little respect. That's all."
"You mean do as you command. Whatever you say."
"No, I mean don't be hangin' all over this kid because you're--"
"I'm not hanging all over him! And I do respect you... maybe not so much at the moment, because you're being so fucking dumb about this--"
"All right," Joel cuts you off and turns away. "You win. Go back an' eat your stew with him before it gets cold. Eat mine, too, while you're at it."
You can't see him that well, but you know he's walking away from you. "Where are you going?"
"Away." Then, like an afterthought, he adds, "Not far."
"Just far enough away from you that I can be alone and calm down," you mentally finish for him. When Joel is done talking, he's just done. Even if you're not. "Fine. Take your time -- I'm gonna go flirt with Zack some more. Maybe cuddle with him, too!" you say nastily.
Joel doesn't answer that. He's already far enough away that you can't see him, as it's totally dark now.
You're not sure what made you add that last bit; it was pretty immature, you realize. Whatever... Joel's the one off sulking like a little bitch!
Still, you could have been a little nicer. You could've said something like "I'll keep your stew warm 'til you want to come back and eat it" -- something adult-ish like that (and you're not going to eat his share anyway).
You stomp back toward the fire. You're not sure if Joel can tell that you're stomping, but you hope so; you want him to know you're pissed, not sad. That you don't give a shit that he's not going back with you.
You're walking normally by the time you come into Zack's view. He thrusts the bowl at you. "Here! I think I saved about half."
But you ignore the proffered bowl and sit in front of Joel's. "You can finish it if you want." If Joel's not eating his stew, you're not eating yours, either -- because you know he'll feel guilty about that later. (Why you should want him to feel guilty, you can't say.)
"Really? You mean it?"
"Yep! Knock yourself out." You don't have to tell him again -- he dives right in. He's so grateful that you feel extra good about your sacrifice.
" 'S Joe cmg back?" he asks with his mouth full.
"Eventually." You toy with Joel's spoon, suppressing the urge to start shoveling like Zack is doing with his.
You and Joel do argue from time to time. He says it's normal for couples to argue, and you guys started doing that before you were even a couple... or whatever you are (does it count if it's just in secret?). Sometimes you would get really sad afterward, the thought that this is what's going to finally make him leave swirling around in your head -- which also started before you were a couple. Joel picked up on that (you may have accidentally said something that was too honest?), and you had a good talk about it. After that, while he wasn't exactly falling all over himself reassuring you after a fight, he did seem to let go of his anger a lot quicker -- usually before you let go of yours. He'd act like nothing happened, and you'd mentally breathe a sigh of relief (even if you were still pissed!).
Things changed a bit when you became romantically involved... it's like having this extra layer of shit to work through, because not only do you have to worry about him leaving you -- you also have to worry about him breaking up with you. It's like double the amount of potential pain looming on the horizon. And something about being physically intimate (even without sex) seems to heighten the emotions... you find yourself being even more open and honest with him than you already were, and he with you -- to a point. However, it's a double-edged sword: the fights also seem to be more intense. Joel says it's a good thing. Like you're getting more confident in your relationship -- and in him, trusting that he's not going to leave you just because you have a stupid fight. Which you think is probably true... but the worry is still always there, lurking in the shadows of your mind.
The frustrating (and unfair) thing is, he's not afraid of you leaving him. In fact, he seems to think it's inevitable. You've told him and told him that you're never leaving (it's never you who leaves people! And you've never had anyone like Joel in your life before... why the fuck would you leave?!). He thinks you're going to grow and change and want to experience life with other people or some shit. He says that's normal, and it's okay, and he doesn't want to hold you back -- and it just makes you want to fucking throttle him sometimes!
You snicker to yourself. Yeah... and then he gets all fucking bent out of shape because I fucking eat out of the same bowl as a fucking CHILD (for fuck's sake!)
To your annoyance, you realize you've absently eaten a little of Joel's stew. You quickly dump the bowl's contents back into the pot, ignoring the growling protests of your stomach. The fire is dying down, but the stew will stay warm in there for a while. Zack seems perfectly content wolfing down the stew (er... licking the bowl clean now, it looks like), but you feel a little bad that you haven't been conversing with him. You decide you'd rather talk to the kid now than dwell on irritating thoughts of Joel.
Those thoughts, however, keep peppering your light-hearted conversation. Joel... when are you coming back? You know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is coming back; he wouldn't ditch you Outside, and especially not with a kid to look after. You wonder if you should go find him and apologize... be the bigger person. It was a stupid fight -- and you were both being stupid.
But... fuck, why is it always ME that has to apologize?! For once, can't Joel go first? His style of pretending nothing happened is... usually just fine with you, actually, because then neither one of you has to say anything and it's all good (especially if it's a really dumb fight, like this one). But you also think it's rather lazy of him. He takes it for granted that he only needs to apologize if you do it first. That he can just erase everything with a kiss (why the fuck do you let him do that, anyway??? ...but, to be fair, you also do it to him!). It's like always being the one who says "I love you," prompting an automatic "I love you, too" -- the first person to say it is the one who's like... feeling it more, in the moment. It counts more. Well... Joel's actually pretty good about that... better than me, even? So maybe that's not a good comparison...
You know Joel is the type of person who needs a little time to be alone and cool off. You could probably both benefit from that. What good is apologizing if you're biting back anger while saying the words?
Maybe you're not that angry, though. You do find his jealousy very amusing. Maybe even endearing, in some ways.
If you decide it's better to let Joel STEW (ha ha! You're so punny!) for a while, turn to page 62.
If you decide it's better to man up and go apologize, turn to page 67.
Carlos
Date: 2021-01-15 05:35 am (UTC)RE: Carlos
Date: 2021-01-15 01:52 pm (UTC)