CYOA Page 39

[lumy12]

Page Thirty-Nine

You feel the darkness beckoning. You're sliding down a slippery slope, at the bottom of which lies... nothingness. A void. Sleep. Yes, sleep is good... when it's restorative. You're terrified that this is something else. You grasp for something, anything to keep you from tumbling any lower... Joel, help me... help me! You're trying to scream, but it's like you're not... there, somehow.

And yet... he heard you! You swear Joel reacted to your cries for help. Or maybe he can see me in here... he can pull me... pull me out... Joooeeellllll............

.....

.............

......

......... "Ow..."

"Hey... there you are... Ellie? You awake? Talk to me."

Yeah you're awake -- because your shoulder stings like a bitch! More like where your shoulder meets your neck, actually. You blink a couple times and Joel comes into focus. You turn your head and try to see what's up with--

"No no, stay still... I'll do this as fast as I can, all right?"

Your senses have returned to you... including common sense, and you realize Joel is cleaning and bandaging some of your wounds, and it was the burn of the alcohol that woke you up. You're laying on your back, your head propped up on a pillow made of... clothes, probably. "Did I pass out?"

"You sure did. But you're gonna be fine... I think I should stitch this one here... ...yeah... hang in there, kiddo."

"Can I go back to sleep when you do that?" you groan.

"Sorry."

"No you're not. This is payback."

"Payback for what?"

"For when I did it to you. Only you were asleep."

"I still felt it."

"Bullshit! You don't even remember."

"All right... keep still for me..."

You try not to be too much of a baby while Joel works, but you can't help wincing a little. ...or maybe a lot. It doesn't hurt that bad... nope, not AT ALL...

"You're doin' good... almost done..."

You notice Joel's only wearing his undershirt/tank top... that his flannel shirt is all bloody, crumpled on the ground. You remember him using it to stop the bleeding... fuck -- is all that MY blood? You try to ask Joel about what happened, and if he's okay, but he shushes you, says he's fine... and you figure you'd better let him concentrate. He did feel it when you stitched him up, you remember now... he grimaced in his fevered sleep. You wonder if he remembers more about that time than he lets on.

"Done. We're even now," he declares.

"Even? Hardly," you scoff. "You were out of it for ages... I was asleep for... what, five minutes?"

Joel just looks at you. Like... in wonder or something. It's making you feel self-conscious. "What?" you say testily.

"Nothin'. You seem very... alert. Feisty."

You smile. "Yep, that's me. Feisty as fuck." Someone in Jackson bestowed the label on you and you've decided you like it.

"Can you stand up for a minute? I just wanna move you over there... under that tree."

"Move me? Where are you going?" You're not so alert and feisty that you want to be left alone out here...

But, thankfully, Joel looks confused. "...Nowhere?"

"So... you're moving us over there."

"Is that okay with you?"

"I want to be... where you are."

"All right then. C'mon..." You let him pull you up to your feet. He keeps his arm around you, which is good, because you feel a bit light-headed. "I can carry you--"

"No, I'm good." You're already a little embarrassed that you fainted, for fuck's sake. What a pansy-ass I am.

"Put your arm around my neck."

You do it without realizing why he told you to-- until he crouches a little... and suddenly your feet are in the air! "Joel! I told you--"

"Humor me."

It's only about ten strides (Joel-strides, that is) to the tree -- you could have walked. "You're gonna break your back," you chide him weakly. "I'm too heavy."

He chuckles. "You mean I'm too old."

"Maybe both!"

He deposits you in front of the tree. "Be right back."

"But you said--"

"I'm just grabbin' our stuff over there."

He's back in like... twenty seconds.

"So we're just going to sit here?" you ask him.

"For a while. I wanna make sure you're all right Maybe we'll spend the night around here somewhere."

Spend the night?! "Didn't we just barely have lunch?"

"...Like I said. I wanna make sure." Joel arranges himself behind you, so that he's leaning against the tree and you're leaning into him, with his arms wrapped snugly around you. "You scared the hell out of me," he confesses... now that you can't see his face.

"I'm sorry," you say sincerely. "I didn't mean to."

"I know." He kisses the side of your head.

...and that's so fucking SWEET, that he did that... You two never sit like this. You hug sometimes, and you may sit close enough on the couch that some of your limbs overlap... but never like this, with his arms completely engulfing you. You feel very safe... and loved. "This is nice," you tell him, in case he's wondering if you like it. "Can we stay this way?"

"Mm," is all he says.

I must have really freaked him out... of course you did. How could you not? He was holding you in his arms... the way Maria told you he held Sarah, when she died. It probably brought back all kinds of shitty memories of losing her. He's probably thinking about her right now...

You feel sad for him. You wish so much that you could take that pain away from him. You said something along those lines once, and he said that you already have... but you know he was lying, because he still misses her and he always will. You feel a little jealous of her sometimes (which is totally fucked up because she's dead, but hey, you never claimed to be... not fucked up). You can't compete with her; she is perfect in his memory, and he has twelve years of memories stored up. He knew her for her whole life... he's known you for two years of yours -- and they're not the adorable-little-girl years, either (you don't think you actually had any of those in your youth, but you're sure Sarah did).

"Did anyone hold you like this when you were little?" Joel interrupts your morose thoughts to ask.

"I dunno... I don't think so? Not that I remember."

He rocks you a little. "I'm sorry."

That seems like an odd thing for him to say. Like something you might say to someone after hearing a close relative died (or some other horrible thing you had nothing to do with, but you feel sorry for the person anyway?). "Why? You weren't there. You didn't even know me." The rocking is... kind of comforting, really...

"I know. I'm sorry anyhow."

For some reason, your throat starts clenching up... and you get this funny feeling in your nose, like... oh my God... am I going to cry? You are NOT going to cry, Ellie. What the FUCK. But you feel the wetness in your eyes... feel a tear sneak out... I can't wipe it away or Joel will see! You and Joel are not criers. You don't want to let your nose run unchecked, though, so you give a discreet, perfectly innocent little sniffle that shouldn't arouse suspicion. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't even know if I'm weepy because Joel ISN'T really my dad... or because he pretty much IS.

Whatever he is, you feel incredibly grateful for the man. Yeah, okay, so you obviously weren't dying back there... but you felt like you were. And Joel saved you even before that -- he fought off the Clickers. You know he would die saving you, if it came down to that. But you're not really his daughter, the nasty little voice in your head reminds you. This is all fake. He's wishing it was Sarah here with him, not you. If you and Sarah were trapped in a burning building, and he could only get one of you out, he would choose her. And you made his pain worse today by reminding him of when she died in his arms. "I'm so sorry," you nearly whisper (because you don't trust your voice).

Somehow he knows what you're referring to. "Ssshh... it ain't like you scared me on purpose," he teases.

"You must have... it must have made you think about..." You don't have to finish that thought out loud, either.

He gives you a gentle squeeze. "I'm just glad that didn't happen again."

...Again? Him losing you is hardly on the same level as him losing Sarah. But it would be devastating to him... you know it would. Fuck that stupid little voice in your head! Joel has never given you any reason to think he was using you as a Sarah substitute. What was it he said that one time... something about a Sarah-shaped hole that no one else can fit into, but there's also an Ellie-shaped one. I love you for that, Joel... that and a bunch of other reasons... do you even know? I should tell you! You should tell him you love him. Would he say it back, though? ...Who cares -- you should just tell him. You could have died without telling him, and he'd never know. You've never told anyone you loved them, ever, in your whole life. Not Riley, not Marlene... no one. And you've never been as close to anyone as you've become to Joel.

"Joel..." Your voice is tentative. At least you've stopped sort-of-crying.

"Hmm?"

"I... uh..." ...shit! Why is it hard to say?

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing... just..."

"Are you in pain? You need somethin'?"

"...No..."

"Here... drink some more water. You need to drink extra now."

You drink from the canteen he passes you, berating yourself for being such a wuss. And now the moment's gone... oh well, maybe next--

"What were you tryin' to tell me?"

"Oh. Yeah..." Fuck! Okay, so... ... "Um... just... thank you," you finish lamely. "For taking care of me."

"You don't have to thank me," he says lightly. "It's in the job description."

"...the job description?"

"Yeah. It... comes with the territory."

It sounds like he's minimizing what he did. You would do the same thing, if it was you. Or you might tease him... like how he teases me sometimes... ha -- we both react to things the same way. So I... SHOULDN'T tell him? It would just make him uncomfortable. He doesn't really want to hear it. Maybe it's selfish of you to say it?

Oh, fuck that -- you have to tell him. Just once. And what better time is there?


If you tell Joel you love him, turn to page 72.

If you try to tell him, but the words get stuck in your throat, turn to page 73.

Comments

[owlofnevermore.livejournal.com]

YYY__YYY I'M NOT CRYING!!!

[luminations.livejournal.com]

Aww yay! Crying is good! Er... I mean NOT crying, of course ;)

Carlos

[(Anonymous)]

Jaja, I read the comment here. I know that you love to see people cry on your stories, and I bet some do. But for some reason, I can't do it now on yours. I cry a few times in Accretion before I know you... so maybe that is why I can't now. Anyway, this was a good part.

RE: Carlos

[luminations.livejournal.com]

This one is one reader's favorite storyline in the whole thing :) I suspect I write father/daughter better than romance. Anyway I don't expect you to cry anymore cuz if you didn't cry during the one that made me stop writing to bawl for a few minutes, you just won't. Ha!

Carlos

[(Anonymous)]

So you cry while writing it? I have never been able to do that in all my writing. But I did make some people cry in a few chapters of my last story. Is not like I don't cry while I read a sad part in a story, I did when I read accretion but for some reason, I can't now in any of yours.