CYOA Page 88

[lumy12]

Page Eighty-Eight

Maybe you should listen to Joel on this one. You certainly don't want to endanger the horses, and perhaps it isn't fair or decent to push them all night when they've been carrying you all day. All for a stranger who might die anyway.

You relent, but even with sound reasons, you feel somewhat resentful towards Joel anyway. "If he dies, it's your fault," you tell him.

"Fine by me."

Of course it is. Joel doesn't give a shit about this guy. You're not sure why you do, really, except that he's a fellow human being.

You don't find anywhere suitable to make camp for the next... probably close to two hours, and Joel had wanted to stop at one. The sun has just dipped below the horizon, so your natural light is rapidly diminishing. "Maybe this is a sign," you wonder out loud.

"No," Joel squashes that thought immediately. "We can just... stop here. This'll do. We're pretty far into the middle of nowhere. Prob'ly safe from everythin' except--"

"...except what?"

"Nothin'. Help me get a fire goin', would ya?"

You dismount and secure your horse to a random tree, then do a quick patient check -- without bothering with the appearance of giving him water this time. He seems as okay as he ever does... that is, not very. "If there's even a good place to get one going," you mutter belatedly as you look around at all the grass and greenery, rubbing your arms because, as predicted, you're cold.

Also as predicted, Joel doesn't let you suffer, in spite of what he said earlier; he comes up behind you and wraps his jacket around your shoulders. He doesn't say a word. Just kisses the side of your head and returns to the search.

"Thanks!" You shove your arms inside the sleeves and immediately feel warmer. "And hey, what about this spot over here?"

You've always enjoyed campfires with Joel, but now that you're ~together~, they somehow seem extra romantic. Once you're both sitting by the fire, warming your chicken soup, you lean against him and admire the way the flames seem to dance around the pot. Joel leans his head against yours.

"You're lucky we have company," you say lightly. Your 'company' was placed close enough to the fire that he should benefit from the warmth, but not as close as you and Joel are.

"Why's that?"

"I won't try and talk you into having sex with me tonight," you whisper. As if that dude can even hear you (or that he cares to).

Joel laughs. "That's a shame. I was thinkin' tonight might be a good time to--"

You slug his arm before he can finish that thought. "Don't you dare even joke about that, Joel!"

He kisses your nose. "But you're so cute when you're mad."

"I'm not mad. If I'm really mad, you don't think it's cute."

"Yes I do. You're always cute."

You grin. "That's why you can never stay mad at me."

"Prob'ly. It ain't fair -- when you're mad at me, I have to... earn my way back into your good graces."

"Sounds fair to me!" Most of the time, you're not as mad as you let Joel think you are; you just like it when he feels like he has to kiss your ass and be extra sweet. You stroke his cheek and draw him in for a tender kiss. "You're lucky I love you so much."

"Can't argue with that."

The truth, of course, is that it's the other way around. You're lucky Joel has even put up with you for so long... and that he continues to put up with you. And for him to actually love you... to give you a chance, even though he still believes you're too young... it's almost too good to be true.

You remind yourself of that whenever you get frustrated with him.

Tonight, he should be frustrated with you because you've swaddled your patient in the only two blankets at your disposal, and given him your hoodie as a pillow. You didn't think you'd be sleeping under the stars when you did that, but you're not going to steal them back from him now.

"I'm sorry," you apologize for the umpteenth time as Joel tries (and fails?) to get comfortable on the hard ground at bedtime. Your backpacks are serving as pillows, but you're actually using Joel's chest; his heart beating beneath your cheek is like a lullaby.

He tries to settle the towel around you like a blanket, but it's just too small. "We've spent nights outside without blankets before. Remember?"

You giggle softly. "Not like this. What would you have thought if I'd just like... come over and laid on top of you and told you to keep me warm?"

Joel pretends to mull this over. "I would've thought... damn, this girl's in love with me... maybe I should take advantage..."

"Ha! You won't even 'take advantage' now. When I'm like... telling you to."

"Well, I was a different guy back then. Maybe I would've told you that we'd stay warmer if we took our clothes off and huddled together."

"Yeah right!" Joel never thought of you that way before a few months ago. As for you, you're not sure when you started feeling attracted to him -- you were confused for a long time, and Joel had a way of making you feel even more confused as time went by -- but you're pretty sure it started shortly after your trip ended. "Hey... are you suggesting we do that now?" You glance at your patient; he's on the other side of the fire, and you have yet to see him show signs of being conscious or alert.

"No."

"Aww. Why not?"

" 'Cause our clothes ain't wet, for one thing... an' we don't have a blanket to huddle under."

"Maybe our clothes could be the blankets."

"Right. We'd lay 'em on the ground so we don't have to lay naked in the dirt, an' then just pull up whatever parts of 'em we can to cover us? Might as well just wear 'em."

He has a point, of course... "But that's not as fun," you pout.

Joel rolls toward you, shifting your head over to his arm. His face is inches from yours. "Thought you said you weren't gonna try to get me to have sex with you."

"I'm not. I'm just making innocent suggestions."

"Mm. Perfectly innocent."

Your smile is anything but innocent. "We can still warm each other up a little before going to sleep, right?" you suggest, following it up with a lingering kiss.

"Sure," Joel murmurs against your lips. "Clothes stay on."

"Of course. We have company anyways." You forget about your company when Joel proceeds to warm you up with his mouth... his hands... his whole body... you're feeling pretty steamed up before long, and that's with minimal skin-to-skin contact! Even though Joel's told you over and over and fucking over that you're not going to have sex, part of you always fantasizes about him suddenly changing his mind. It could happen. ...It won't, but in theory, it could! Out here, though, you're 99.99999% sure Joel isn't going to want to have sex with you for the first time on the cold hard ground, and you don't really want that, either. ...even if you are getting turned on, your arms and legs entangled with Joel's, your torsos and groins aligned... your mouths devouring each other...

But you assume the role of Joel tonight -- you suddenly stop, groan, and roll away from him.

"What's wrong?" Joel is surprised, of course; you're stealing his act!

"Nothing," you say with a dramatic sigh. You scooch back into a spooning position, wrapping his arms around you. So cozy...

He plants a kiss on your neck, making you shiver (which his hot breath counteracts nicely). "That's a lie," he whispers.

"Just... we prob'ly shouldn't be... I mean, the poor guy's really sick."

Joel chuckles. "Well, what can you do about that? Besides what you've already done."

"I dunno..."

"Not a goddamn thing, is what."

"Maybe we should be snuggling with him."

"What?"

"You know... he prob'ly feels left out. Lonely."

Joel squeezes you hard enough to make you suck in your breath (an act that always makes you giggle, after). "There it is. You wanna curl up under the blanket with him. All snug. I ain't keepin' you warm enough."

"Ohhhh you guessed it! Well, you can snuggle under it, too."

"...I don't think it's my healin' touch he'd want."

"How do you know? Maybe he'd like you better. You're bigger and warmer."

"But you're... softer'n'snugglier."

"That tickles," you protest, giggling at whatever's tickling you... Joel's whiskers or his breath, or possibly both, on your neck or in your ear.

"More ticklish, too..."

"You're sweeter."

"Uh... no."

"Yes you are -- when you're not tickling... like... there... yeah, see, that's very sweet." He does have a way of making you melt, when he wants to!

"But I have to be... inspired. That guy... no. Nothin' doin'."

"I inspire you to be sweet?"

"Sure do."

"Huh. I guess that makes sense. I never see you doing this with anyone else."

"Well, I only do it in secret. No one else sees you'n'me, either."

You feign offense at that. "How many girlfriends do you have, then?!"

"It don' matter. You're my favorite."

"Okay, good." You snicker a little. "I must be, cuz I'm the one you invite to your bed every night."

" 'Invite'? I don't recall extendin' an invitation."

That's true; you just started showing up, and he didn't kick you out! "I have to keep those other bitches away from you, don't I?"

"Mm. You're right. If you weren't there, I'm sure all kinds of women would be crawlin' into bed with me every night."

"Gross women," you add. "Not pretty ones."

Joel chuckles. "Of course. Thank you for protectin' me from those... hideous creatures."

"You're welcome." You twist your head back and give him a smile and a kiss. "We better say good night if we're going to get up before dawn tomorrow."

"That's a big 'if,' you know. We didn't bring an alarm clock."

"Yeah, I know, but we prob'ly won't sleep that good anyway, being cold and all, so we might wake up a lot..."

"You cold right now?"

"No, but you might roll away from me... and the fire will eventually go out."

He squeezes you tight again. "I'll stay right like this. All night."

"What about you? Are you cold?" You feel a little guilty, stealing his jacket. Borrowing, rather.

"I don't get cold in summer."

"You do when it's cold out!" Granted, it's rare, but you've seen him wear his jacket at night in the summer. You don't live in a warm climate.

"But you're keepin' me as warm as I'm keepin' you."

"Liar," you grumble. "If your arm starts falling asleep just push my head onto the backpack." He probably won't, though. He'll just let it go dead.

"Good night, baby girl. Love you."

"Love you, too. Good night." One last kiss and you're ready to fall asleep.

You don't, though. Not for a while. You're tired enough, warm enough, comfortable enough (considering)... but you don't. You watch the fire, still burning bright since you added extra branches to it. Through the flickering flames, you can't see your patient very well... not until the fire starts dying down a little. Then you're comforted by the sight of him making his usual twitchy movements. Not often, but enough to know he's still with you. You were only half joking with Joel before, about snuggling with the dude. Oh, you don't really want to snuggle with him -- certainly not romantically! -- but you wonder if it would make a difference if you did. If he would know you were there. Know someone's out there pulling for him. Joel remembers certain details from when he was sick that you were sure he was too out of it to notice, so maybe this guy is more aware than he appears, too?

You wonder why it is that you get to be so lucky, having such a wonderful man to love you, when that poor guy has no one -- at least, no one around. Why you get to feel safe and loved and alive, and he's suffering (you can only assume), on the brink of death. Maybe we'll take him back to Jackson with us, after he gets cured at the hospital, you muse to yourself. We'll get him a job and a place to live and he'll get to know people and maybe someone will love him, too. He'll have at least two friends. You don't even know if you'd like the guy, but after all this, of course you'd end up being friends.

Imagining this stranger getting folded into life in Jackson gives you enough peace to finally drift off to sleep.

* * * * * *

You do wake up early, pretty much with the sun. You didn't sleep very well; it feels like you woke up every time you or Joel changed position. He never rolled away from you entirely, which you think means he didn't sleep too deeply. That's your theory, anyway. You feel a bit stiff and sore... poor Joel's going to feel it ten times worse, cuz he's old. OldER, not old, you correct yourself because you don't like thinking of him as old even though he totally is. You try to slip away now without waking him up.

You take a drink of water, then bring it to your patient. Oh man... he doesn't look so good... maybe it's just the not-very-bright-yet lighting, but his face looks more ashen than usual. "Hey, dude... good morning. I brought you some water." You drizzle it over his lips, and he doesn't respond at all. His eyes are closed, though, like he's asleep... or maybe it happened while he was asleep... yeahhhh this isn't good... you check for a pulse and can't find one. His skin feels cold. Even his forehead, which was warm before. You slump next to him, and a strange sadness overcomes you. It's not like you knew this guy... but I really thought we could save him! I failed.

You hear Joel moving around. He probably won't be callous enough to say "I told you so," but he'll be thinking it. You lay your head on the part of the blanket wrapped around the man's chest. A bit late for 'snuggling'... you're not sure why you do it. You don't hear or feel a heartbeat... well, duh, it stopped -- he's dead. That's... kind of what happens. "I'm sorry," you whisper to the dead man, low enough that Joel can't hear. "I guess I should've let Joel shoot you... instead of all this extra suffering. I'm soooo sorry. I hope you're at peace now."

"Ellie?"

You hear Joel walking up behind you. You don't lift your head, or move at all. "He's dead."

"...Oh. Shit. I'm sorry."

"No you're not."

"Yes--"

"You're not, but that's fine. I'm sorry enough for both of us."

He sits behind you and rubs your back. "I'm sorry 'cause I know you really wanted to help him."

"And all I did was torture him."

Joel tangles a hand in your hair. "You comforted him. Showed him he wasn't alone. That counts for somethin'."

You roll over and look at him. "Are you just trying to make me feel better?"

"Always. But not 'just,' no. It's true." The hand in your hair migrates to your face.

He SEEMS sincere... but who knows. He's at least being nice. You scoot over and lay your head in his lap instead of on the dead guy's chest. "I still failed him. Any way you look at it."

"He didn't have much of a chance to begin with. An' see how early it is? We wouldn't've made it to the hospital in time, even if we rode all night. Or if we somehow managed to haul ass an' get there, maybe no one would be there to help him yet. From what I gather, it ain't a 24-hours-a-day operation. So don't feel bad."

You're going to feel bad anyway... but you feel a little better. "Thank you for saying all that," you mumble.

"You wanna get a little more sleep before we go?"

"Mmm... yeah I guess." You shift around and get more comfortable; you're not sure if Joel meant 'get more sleep' right here, but... "Can we still take him to the hospital?"

Joel doesn't say anything. He's probably trying to think of a way to gently explain that there's no point. That hospitals don't bring people back from the dead. To which you'll have to respond that yes of course you know that, you just don't want to leave his body out here to rot, and since you don't have a shovel...

"Sure," says Joel.

Oh. He gets it, then. You love that you and Joel can have 'conversations' like that without saying a word.

You hope your current mission -- the 'official' one you were dispatched for -- is more successful than this one.


THE END


If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.

Comments

Carlos

[(Anonymous)]

Awww... the poor guy die here too. But I like Joel and Ellie's conversation and snuggled... a nother end finish.

Re: Carlos

[luminations.livejournal.com]

Yeah I think Joel WAS truly sorry... mainly because he doesn't like to see her sad, but still.